Toni and Ryan - On a boat and in the bedroom

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Things you can say on a BOAT and also in the Bedroom! Plus setting a boundary with my new (best) friend Ryan. Love ya! Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is Chelsea. She said she may or may not cry. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Is this Tony and Ryan? Hi, Chelsea. Oh, my gosh.

Hello. Hi. How are you? Please don't cry. Please don't cry. Oh, my God. I'm not even. Oh, my God.

I actually am going to start. Why? Because Ryan's here as well. It's not just me. I mean, Ryan and Tony as well, like you not just me. I mean, Ryan and Toonie, you as well, like you both are just such heartthrobs. But I have this thing where like I just cry at celebrities. You can start in Ryan calling.

I was going to say you on the other line with Angelina Jolie. Well, I started crying when I was five at like Cinderella at Disney World. And then I cried right in front of Bill Nye when I was shaking his hand. And, oh, I mean, if you guys were here right now, I'd be a mess. Do you know that we aren't, we're not Bill Nye. We're not Cinderella level. No, but you guys are going to like go viral soon. All right.

Well, before we have to break the tissues out, will you please approve this podcast? Oh, heck yeah, wholeheartedly approve this podcast. Chelsea! I'm going to give her a shot. Oh, my God! This is Chelsea from Pennsylvania, and I and Ryan podcast. Hi, welcome.

Pleasure to have you here. My name is Ryan. I'm the vice captain of the ship, our queen, our captain, Tony Lodge. Wow. If this is someone's first time listening, then hearing that might make people think that I'm a bit like a big dog. You are a big dog. And because at the moment I'm watching Wentworth,

which is like prison politics. Yeah. It's like Australian Orange is the New Black. And they are all like vying for top dog. Like they want to be like the top dog of the prison. And I don't want people to think that I'm like the top dog of this podcast. Well, you are though. I don't want to shiv anyone.

You're literal. Well, I don't want to get shanked. So, top dog of this podcast. Well, you are though. I don't want to shiv anyone. You're literal. Well, I don't want to get shanked. So, I mean, we're in agreeance there. All right. But you do. We could kiss in the bathroom though. You and I. We don't have to.

We don't have to. When you say I don't want to be the top dog, what is your job title on LinkedIn? Muscles. Why? Because I carry the podcast. Now, I'm, you know, hey. Hey, by popular demand. Hey, I know my role, you know yours. There ain't no shanking or shivving going on here. Okay. Welcome. This

is, in fact, it's a non-shank zone. I appreciate that. I hope that my whole life is a no-shank zone. Yeah, me too. All right, what do we got coming up, Mad Dog? I'm sorry, Big Dog. Well, later after the break, I want to talk about the reality of moving through a honeymoon phase. So for anybody listening, whether it's like a business partner, romantic partner, just a friend, a new job, anything like that, there's like a honeymoon phase. Yep. And I need some advice on what to do once you get past that.

What stage are we at? We were at the honeycomb phase yesterday. Hi, jokes from you. That's funny. I do those from time to time. Well, that's what I need to talk to you about. Oh. Yeah.

But first. First, this is things you can say talk to you about. Oh. Yeah. But first. First, this is things you can say on a boat and also in the bedroom. Oh, hey. Hope you got insurance. That boat insurance, hefty, hefty, hefty. It is. She ain't cheap. No, she's not.

Thank you for noticing. Tony, we all know that you're the captain of this ship. Yeah. Which probably explains why you're always happy to go down. Because I will go down with this ship. Dido. I will go down on this ship. Oh, I don't think that it's literal.

Or the poop deck. You're not supposed to poop on there. Not on it. In it? Sometimes it ends up on it. You're not like aiming or meaning. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Tony, by the end of tonight, I'm going to call you my Navy ship

because you're going to be full of semen. Yes. If someone used that as a pick-up line in a bar and you were single and in the right mood, is that still too a bit graphic and aggressive or do you appreciate the humour of it? It's pretty graphic. I probably wouldn't like it if somebody just said it to me.

Yeah. But if someone I knew said it to me, I think it'd be all right. Okay. Like a mate that you were maybe trying to tune, I think that'd be okay. Would it be better if you were, like, literally at a boat or they were actually in the Navy or something like that? I don't think anyone from the Navy would have to say anything.

They're in that uniform. I was at a club in Malaysia. Yeah. And a US Navy ship had like pulled into the port and they just rocked up to the- Fucking pulled into my port. Is that one of them? That was good.

And they just rolled into the club in their Navy outfit and literally just went, you, you, you, you, you, just like pointed to like 15 girls and just took them back. Rolling into a club at midnight like that. Things you can say on a boat and also in the bedroom. I'm going to chum. What? So instead of cum.

What's chum? Like what you put in the water to attract fish. Oh, right. I associated chum as the dog food brand. And I was like, sure. Yeah, not the same. No, that makes a lot more sense now. Okay.

Sorry about that. Misconception. No. Miss, um, things you can say. Are you ready to climb aboard? Yes. I'll call you Captain Cock. Okay.

I will. You want to come on this deck? I will. You want to come on this deck? Oh, this is making me feel a bit sick, actually. Oh, I'm just getting rolled around. Do you get motion sickness? Motioning the ocean.

Do you need me to put the plug in? What? When would you say that on a boat? Boats have plugs in the bottom. You need to put the plug in and you'll sink. Maybe in a cartoon. I'm sure boats have plugs. No.

Because sometimes you need to get the water out. Yeah. Okay. All right, yeah, I'll pay that. Any boat enthusiasts, get in the episode thread. This is the most contentious issue of today. Oh, can you just hurry up and put it in my sea? Probably going to need a tug to get us started.

It's hard to get off sometimes. Do you have a licence for this? Do you think I need one? When it's past a certain size, you do, yeah, legally. I'll be fine then. Yeah, if I caught that, I'd have to throw it back. I mean, people have. Oh, no, not today, bud.

I'm just going to go back to the bar and try and get something else. You know you see in the thing where they pull up the fish and then they get the little ruler out? Yeah. No, no. Not to size. Not a mistake, no. No, maybe next year. Every time I come here, it smells fishy.

Sorry, that's me. Sorry, what did you say? You're feeling a bit seedy. Luckily we can... Okay, righto. Luckily we can go fishing while we're out here because my pussy's starving. Cats like fish.

Oh, right. Things you can say in the bedroom and also on a boat also if you have a pet cat. What's this? I didn't associate the cat thing and I just went, okay, sure. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for coming tonight. Whoa, that's one as well.

In case of emergency, put this jacket on, jump off it and blow on this. Oh! I guess I can't blow on it while I'm on it. That'd just be annoying for everyone. Yeah, I'm not that good. Or flexible. Oh, after this, I think we should make our relationship official. A lot of puns.

I learnt these skills when I was in the Navy. Did you? Mm. Ooh. Well, you've got me hook line and link me stinker. Link my stinker. All aboard. Oh, you seem to have really red eyes.

You've either spent the day on the boat or taken one to the throat. I've done both. Uno los dos. Por que no los dos? I never get that right. I've tried to say that a thousand times in my life. I've never got it right. Do you need me to raise your jib?

I would love my jib to be raised. I've got medication that helps with that. You know, when you get a bit older. Yeah. Jib's just run its own race. Yeah, I've heard. I've heard. Need a new motor.

I'm going to call this place a teenage boy's room because there are semen everywhere. Thanks for Tony for accepting that joke into me because she went to my family home last week and saw my teenage boy's room. Yeah, and said that maybe your mum didn't paint it white and it was just a bit of a joke. Yeah. Oh, a starfish.

I don't mind a starfish, actually. No, I've heard. Now, I'm probably not the person you would most like to provide this, but can I get you a towel? Oh, good. This is fucking soaked. Why would I not want you to give me a towel? Oh, you just might like someone else to get you a towel.

Who? Literally anyone that's not me. I'll get a history with towels and you know the answer. Oh, the poop deck. Oh, this towel's from the poop deck. I actually don't really have any more.

I think I'm just checking because I've got a few double ups. Yeah, I had a few that you... Call me the Titanic because I'm about to go down. Can't wait until you hit that iceberg. Can you ask me what I'm doing today? Okay. Hey, Ryan. Hey, Ryan, what are you doing today?

I might just go spear the bearded clam. I'm so sorry. Could you shuck my oyster after? Give it a wash. I hate when it's got that salty taste to it, you know? I actually can't get rid of it. Hey, it's Chelsea from Pennsylvania, and you are listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Thank you so much for buying our exclusive content. You can check it out at the link in our show notes. But a few of the people that are already there, Bradley Latham, thank you. Sam Milner, Maria Otey, Jack Taylor, Daniel Shearer, Emma Waddell, Kate Gordner, thank you so much. Dave Cobain, Matthew Canavan, Luna Granger and Peanut Buttercup. Peanut Buttercup. Yeah, Reese's is on the line.

On the line. Thank you so much. Tomorrow on the show, I've been doing a little research with the tarpers. It turns out about 90% of people that have a dog or a cat do this like one specific thing that some people might consider gross and no one really talks about it. But like I said, it turns out 90% of cat owners and dog owners do this thing.

90%? Because someone was like, oh, by the way, does anyone else do this? And I was like, oh, that's a bit weird, but I think I might do that. And then literally 90% were like, yeah, I just didn't think anyone else did. I thought I was the freak. Oh, look at us bringing people together. Well, I don't know if this is the thing you want to be bringing together with, but we'll share that with you tomorrow.

Okay. So earlier in the episode I mentioned the moving through different parts of a relationship. So obviously everybody knows that when you first get into a romantic relationship you've got that honeymoon phase where you're fucking all the time, you're spending heaps of time together, nothing they do could ever piss you off because it's just so great and it's so new.

So perfect. And you're learning about each other and it's so special. Everyone's putting their best foot forward. Yep, you haven't farted in front of each other, you've let all of those things. But it's the same with friends, right? Yeah. Because, again, you're learning with each other,

you're not fucked off that they never pay for dinner yet or you're not fucked off that you always have to drive or you don't really know that their parents are paying the arse. Can you just hang on a sec? Yeah. Make sure I pay for dinner. Take my turn to pick up Tony because she's driven us to the studio the last few times.

Tell my mum to pump the brakes. Cool. Continue. Tell my mum to pump the brakes. I'll tell her the same. Like, for example, when Ryan. No, not at all. But I think that everybody's been through those relationships

where, and anybody listening will absolutely have experienced this, where you just, a new job. We were saying before, a new job. Because you don't know that those people fucking always are late. Every new job. Or something. Everyone's so lovely. Of course they are.

They're the new person. Everyone's being nice to you. You don't find out until what a workplace is really like to about that four, five, six-month mark. Yeah. I reckon as well because you've always got that three-month buffer where it still feels like a new job. Yep.

So you're still, like, getting into your groove and trying to figure it out. Finally, I left that shitty old job and had this new perfect one. And I feel like you and I, Ryan, specifically, we kind of cross over a few relationship styles, I guess. Obviously sexually. Yeah, so that's a given. The romantic side of things is a given. But then also the friendship because we are friends first and we work really hard on our friendship to make sure

that it's not just always business. Have I done something to fuck you off? No, not at all. Okay. But we also, we work together. Yeah. So now that you and I, like we're teaming up with Spotify, so like our job is our job.

Like this podcast is our job. And during the week, aside from my boyfriend, Torbs, who obviously I live with, you're the only other person that I see. Well, I mean, if I have to go like to an appointment or something, but like. We spend a lot of time together now. We spend all of our time. Like this week was probably one of the first proper weeks

of like the Ryan and Tony biz. Yeah. And we kind of went and did a few random errands together. We recorded together. We made some personalised videos for the Patreon. Yep. All those kinds of things. And then obviously on the weekend we record together.

I catch up with your wife like we're going to go and have dinner soon. What have I done? I'm nervous. I'm flapped. What's going on? You actually haven't done anything. But I need to ask you a question.

I feel like the tables have turned. I was getting you all flapped yesterday. And, oh, if it's not old mate karma coming back around. Go on. Why am I nervous? No, you shouldn't be nervous. I'm actually nervous because I feel like this is pretty big. I'm just glad to hear any girl say that to me. That's very funny. We obviously spend a lot of time together.

We live quite close to each other. So, you know, a lot of the amenities in the area are the same amenities. Oh, my God, what's happened? I wanted to ask your permission if I could join the gym you go to. My gym? Yeah. So. The place I go after we've spent all day together. Yeah. And I go, oh, it's been a big day.

I love Tony. But, you know, cabin fever, we're human. Totally. I don't know if we've talked much about this, but I, like, by nature I'm a bit of an introvert who needs his, like, alone time. Absolutely. And it took Bridget a while to figure out because I just said, oh, I'm like a person that needs some alone time so I'm just going to go for a walk.

And it took Bridget a long time to go, is he fucked off with me? Totally. And I go, no, that's just who I am. I need some quiet time every day just to, you know, gather my thoughts and whatever. Even, like, on a Saturday when we record, because we record like at the moment on the weekend, we probably won't really talk afterwards,

like the Saturday afternoon or the Sunday unless it's like actual biz stuff and I'm like, oh, do you have that thing? Because we're knackered. We've had a lot of people talking time. And we're just so close for like, you know, a few hours. So one thing I would do is go, I've spent a lot of people talking time. And we're just so close for like, you know, a few hours. So one thing I would do is go, I've spent a lot of time with Tony. I've spent a lot of time talking and chatting and being on, so to speak. Yeah, absolutely.

So I'm just going to go to the gym, jump on the exercise bike, put some of my favourite music on and just forget about everything else and just cruise away. Yeah. My time. Yeah. Private time. Away from Tony time.

So what are you asking? So where your house is and where my house is, pretty much dead in the middle is the Richmond Leisure Centre. It's got a pool, classes. The pool is actually awesome. They do, yeah, those like Les Mills like group classes and stuff. Then they've got like actual workout gear. They've got like a sauna and all that shit.

Like it's so great. And it's the only non-scary gym in the area. Okay. So we've actually, and this is sort of what we were talking about with the football yesterday. Yes. We live in an area where there's a lot of, like, fit, motivated, hashtag fitspo people,

and there's a lot of, like, fancy gyms. And the one I go to is, like, not that one. It's the one where the 65-year-olds get dropped off from the retirement village. They do water aerobics. Yeah, so it's a very non-aggressive, calm gym. Well, it's like any community centre is always going to be. It's a little bit cheaper.

It's a little bit less aggressive. Yeah, the cheapest and least aggressive. Yeah, and whereas all the other places around me are $100 a week and you go and it's fucking like fit models that are doing it. And obviously I don't want to do that. No. Like I can't. I can't.

I cannot do that. Just one big can't. Yeah, I am a big can't. So what I wanted to ask you. Are you asking me to move gyms so you can go to my one? No, I'm not asking you to move gyms. I'm not asking you to move. I would never do that.

But that's sort of what you're asking. No, it's actually not. What I'm asking, I want to give you an opportunity to say, actually, Ton, maybe not. And I'd be okay with it. Because you know what the gym represents for me. Totally, absolutely. And because I was like, oh, I actually, I want to tell you,

I went to sign up, like just online. I was going to call them and I was going to fucking do the whole thing. And then I was like, actually, I feel like this is probably something that I should talk to you about. And, I mean, we need to fill a break, so it's on the pod. Five days a week. Thanks for listening. But I thought, what a great opportunity for us

to have a really honest conversation and I want to give you permission to say actually, yeah, maybe not. It's a big decision. It needs a big drone. Don't roll your ass at the drone. I think I have something that will work. I've got a win-win situation. Okay.

Do we have to split custody? That's what I was going to say. Is it actually? We should share a membership. You can use my tag. We get half price gym memberships and we can't go at the same time. That's good.

This is fucking genius. Actually. Are you a morning gymmer or an afternoon gymmer? Because I'm whatever you're not, mate. Well, the hard thing is, is that even if I'm like, oh, I'll just go before work, you're like, well, same. And our work's the same work. Same time, yeah.

All right, you go record your half of the podcast in the morning while I go to the gym. How about you do all of your in the bedroom jokes in the morning, I'll do mine in the afternoon. And then the opposite, we'll go to the gym. Meet you halfway and I'll give you the fucking tag to get in. Sounds like we've got it sorted. It's a great plan, actually. Tony Lodge?

Yeah. Not only are you more than welcome to join the gym. You're just like, this is just you. This is performance. It's not. Not only would I love you to join the gym. Yeah. Oh, rude.

We could be gym buddies. Oh, so you don't want that now? Now who's drawing a boundary with who? So thoroughly. You come into my personal space. I make a huge allowance and sacrifice and compromise. Oh, okay. You're not the fucking godfather of the gym.

And now you're going to say. Well, I just. Oh, okay. You're not the fucking godfather of the gym. And now you're going to say. Well, I just. You wouldn't. What are you thinking, gym buddy? Like, mate, all I want to say, that's a lot of time together. So what do you want me to, like us to work together? Say we go to work in the morning. We meet at nine or eight o'clock or something.

And then what, at lunchtime we go, cool, now let's walk to the gym, then walk back to work in the morning, we meet at nine or eight o'clock or something, and then what, at lunchtime, we go, cool, now let's walk to the gym, then walk back to work and then keep working. That's too much, isn't it? That's a lot. Yeah, nah, nah, nah. You're right. You're out of the gym.

That's, oh. Is that what you want me to say? Oh, so now not only are we, so we're not buddies, but I can't go there at all. Well, I mean, you choose. Well, which one is it? No. First of all, I appreciate you asking. Yeah. But I can't go there at all. Well, I mean, you choose. Well, which one is it? No. First of all, I appreciate you asking.

Yeah. But I would. And filling a break on the podcast. And filling a break on the podcast. On behalf of the Yarra Leisure Centre in Richmond. Yes. We would love to have you in. And you use it at your, for lack of a better word, leisure. And maybe I'll see you down there.

Sometimes. Maybe I won't. But maybe we could come up with like a thing where it's like, if we see each other there, we're not allowed to talk shop and maybe we don't talk to each other. I like the no shop, but if you just walked in and ignored me, I'd be like, oh, I fucked her up.

Yeah, right. So say hi. But we don't talk shop. We don't go, oh, by the way, did you do that thing? Yeah. It's like how parents go on date night. We don't talk about the kids. We don't talk about the kids. Don't talk about school, whatever. Yep, cool. Maybe we do that thing? Yeah. It's like how parents go on date night. We don't talk about the kids. We don't talk about work. Don't talk about the kids. Don't talk about school, whatever.

Yep, good call. Maybe we do that. There's a moratorium on work talk at the gym. I think that's good. I like that. I think that's good areas. Good areas. Thanks.

Thanks for bringing it up. Hey! But now you can never get fucked off because I gave you plenty of opportunity to say I couldn't. Yep. And you won't ever hold that against me. Hey, I found the perfect Venn diagram of our interests. What is it?

So I personally will get lost for hours watching, like, golf TikTok, and Tony's just rolled her eyes, and I know you like watching absolute shit, trashy TV. I do. Have you seen what's happened this week? No. Gaz from Gordie Shore. Gordie Shore.

Gary. Has started a TikTok account called Gaz's Golf. The perfect Venn diagram of our interest has finally crossed over for a little slither. So there's a TikTok account purely of Gaz hosting golf. And he's like, hey guys, today I'm playing at the Manchester Lakes course or whatever. And he

takes you around and plays each other. Just called Gaz's Golf. I followed it. I love that. Is that... Are you going to enjoy it? Yes. No, I fucking... I love Gaz. And I love golf. I love that you thought of me when you saw that. We can watch together when we're at the gym.

Oh. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yeah, we can. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Well, I love to see that. Well, another cross-section of our interests includes hot dogs.

And this viral TikTok. We love getting wieners in our mouths. This viral TikTok of someone showing teenagers leaving a suspicious package on their doorstep, like, through their ring doorbell. You know how people upload the footage from their, like, ring door? That's, like, a big thing now. And anyway, this woman, she's, like,

makes her husband go out there and check what it is because they don't know, like, whether it's, you know, a flaming bag of dog shit or something. They open up the door and it's a massive, like, shopping bag full of those red Frankfurt's with a note that says, you just got wienered. I mean, jokes on them. Free dinner. Free dinner.

I'm going to eat all those wieners. Call the bakery because we need some buns down here stat. Yes. But, fuck, it just, like, was so funny. What a bakery because we need some buns down here, stat. Yes. But fuck, it just was so fun. What a, like, dumb thing to do. Yeah. Got me. Oh, shit.

Yeah, free dinner. Although a box of wieners does look like a box of dynamite, doesn't it? In a cartoon, maybe. Is that not what dynamite looks like in real life? I don't think so. It just occurred to me that I don't know what dynamite looks like in real life. I've only seen the cartoons where it's like a wiener with a little fire string on the top. Yeah, with the timer on it.

Alright, we will chat to you tomorrow and you'll find out if you're one of the 90% of pet owners that do this weird freaky thing. And because you could make your dog go woof or your cat go meow. That was beautiful and poetic. Thank you.

Alright, we'll chat to you tomorrow. To meowro! Love you, bye. I probably won't see you at the gym because I never go.