Toni and Ryan - On a Cruise and in the Bedroom

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

Things you can say on a CRUISE and in the bedroom, and HARROWING cheating stories. Love ya!! Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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That means you get six seconds back. Just enough time to visit Shopify.com slash POS20. Now that's an efficient ad. Eligibility requirements apply. See Shopify.com slash POS20 for details. Hello? Hi, is that Patrick? Yes, it is. Oh, hi, Patrick.

It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Hi, I'm good. How are you? Yeah, we're so well. And we were asking, I know that we've called you and it's so inconvenient and we're very sorry, but we wondered if you could do us a favour and approve this podcast.

Of course I approve. Yay! Patrick, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. Hi, this is Patrick from Switzerland and I approve this podcast. Yeah. Switzerland and I approve this podcast. We have a lot of people listen to this podcast from the UK. And if you're from Edinburgh, congratulations. Please let us know in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group and tell us in the episode thread because just before I hit record,

Tony told me that she assumed Ed and Borough were two separate towns, just like it would be the Melbourne and Sydney Festival. No, no, no. It would be the Edinburgh Festival. No, no, no. It would be the Edinburgh Festival. No, I thought that there was a place called Edinburgh and a place called Edinburgh. And you've just worked out they're the same place. I didn't know that you pronounced Edinburgh like Edinburgh.

I thought that it was Edinburgh and Edinburgh was also a different place. So I thought it was like Edinburgh fringe, but Edinburgh fringe was like a different thing. And what did you say when you figured it out? Even the greatest have their moments. I did say that. But it's true. It is true.

And that's just life. It's just what it is. It's what it is. Even celebrities have their moments. Oh, well, you'd know. I wouldn't. Coming up today. Are you flapped because of the video problem we just had?

There's been some technical issues. And then I tried to offer to help by whispering in Ryan's ear and nibbling on his earlobes. He didn't appreciate that. Well, I just said it wasn't helping the technical problems. Well, I mean, I just try to do what I can. I said it wasn't helping, but it also wasn't hindering. Oh, okay. It was just the thing you decided to do. Yeah, I offered. I didn try to do what I can. I said it wasn't helping, but it also wasn't hindering. Oh, okay.

It was just the thing you decided to do. Yeah. I offered. I didn't just do it. I'm not a sexual predator. Coming up today. Tell me about it. How some of the TARPers, TARP stands for Tony and Ryan Podcast,

how some of the TARPers found out they were being cheated on. Oh, and to use your word here, harrowing. To find out you were being cheated on full stop is fucking awful to be cheated on, but some of the stories that you hear of how people found out, oh, I'm stressed even thinking about it and I don't even know what the story is yet. One person, and I won't tell you how they found out, Jashia, but one person found out that they were the one,

like they were the other. The other person. Yeah. And they didn't know that at the time. Like, oh, you're cheating with them. And they're like, oh, no, but I thought you were, I didn't think I was. No, he was with me first or whatever.

Oh, my God. Juicy, juicy, juice, juice. Speaking of juice. Yep. Have a juice on a cruise. I didn't take my jacket off. Oh, my God. Juicy, juicy, juice, juice. Speaking of juice. Yep. Have a juice on a cruise. I didn't tuck my jacket on. Oh, okay. Oh, you look gorgeous, mate.

I'd nibble that ear. Oh, you've just smashed a TV. Not the first time in this studio. Smashed a TV. More like smashed a TL. My initials. Okay. I just went to put my jacket on and punched a TV.

Yep. We just, we're loose today. We are loose. Punching TVs. It is time for our In the Bedroom segment. So lots of people have found us through TikTok, Instagram reels, you know, just divine intervention. People have found us.

Yep. And a lot of those videos are things that you can say in the blah and also in the bedroom. We're going cruising. And we're cruising today. Things you can say on a cruise and also in the bedroom. Oh. Sorry, I don't want to tell you how to do your job.

Yeah. But usually we'll say the joke and then we'll laugh at it. Yeah. No, I didn't get the memo. Mate, even the greats have their moments. Oh, I hope you've got travel insurance. On behalf of everyone, thank you. You're welcome.

I'm just here to do my job, mate. Speaking of which, this really is the best way for Grandma to meet new people. Grandma, this is George Wendell. George Wendell, this is Grandma. My grandma has learned a lot about the new world and how it works and how it works with each other thanks to George.

I feel quite bad. Like we should be shielding your grandma from the horrors of our podcast. I think we should be shielding, what was the word you used? Shielding? We should be shielding George Wendell. I think that he's more than happy to not be shielded. No, not for his benefit. Oh, that is a massive one, isn't it?

Please say that to me more often. I hope you don't get motion sickness because we're about to get rocky. Don't worry, I've got on my magnetic bracelet. Are they bullshit, those things? Surely. I hope so. Fucking surely. Where should I get off?

The poop deck. Is there actually a poop deck or is that just a funny thing to say? I don't know. I've never been on a cruise because I don't want to get diarrhea and shit all over 100 other passengers. That's the main reason? Yeah. You know how, and that's not a sex thing,

you know how like literally every single cruise ship that there's like a bout of diarrhea or gastro or whatever. And then it gets lit up. Everyone gets it. I just can't think of anything worse. Or imagine if there was just like a really annoying piece of work on the ship with you. It's like, you know, when you're walking through Coles, right?

Yeah. And you see somebody that you know right at the beginning and then they're doing like the opposite of the shop to you. And you catch them every aisle. And you bump into them at the end of every aisle. Imagine that but on a cruise and it takes 10 days and you keep bumping into them. Fuck that.

Like every morning you're waiting for your scrambled eggs at the buffet and they're there. Like I just can't actually deal with that stress. And you can't fucking go anywhere because you're in the middle of the fucking Pacific fucking ocean. That's what would do me in because I know the ships are huge, but I would get claustrophobic. The fact that I can't just go for a walk or get out of there or leave.

No, that's not for me. Oh, I hate it. That's not for me. I hate it. Could not. Things you can say while going on a cruise that you absolutely fucking love and also in the bedroom. How'd you get all these semen in here?

Want to get naughty? Cool? Oh! Wow! Sorry about that. Put on me strappy shirt and fuck me in the bum. Sorry. Is that a saying?

Nah. I fucking hot not. Hey, it's not about the size of the boat. It's about the motion of the ocean. No, you don't. That just makes me feel a bit seasick. What, the motion of the ocean? Yeah.

Why? I don't know. Just, like, me bobbing around. There's always just a bunch of old people hanging out in here, isn't there? Look at all this C word. I heard this was all you can eat. Well, is the food and drink included? When I paid up front, that covered, like, everything, right?

You've paid up front, but you've got to pay up back as well. Oh, do you need a tug to get this off and running? Oh, it's a tugboat. Tugger? I hardly know her. Oh, I've seen this on the news. It's this new thing everyone's doing. George Wendell.

If you're a ship... I am. ..then call me the captain because I will always go down with you. Oh, I need a moment. I'm a gentleman and I have honour, so I will go down with the ship. Ooh, I need a cigarette. Will there be an intermission in tonight's entertainment?

I hope so. Need a little break. Oh, that is massive. Must need a lot of fuel luckily it's all inclusive now i tried to get clever here and i think i might have really worked myself into it oh and is that one you must be rose and i must be Jack because I'd rather drown

than not try and fuck you one more time. He had his options to live and he chose to die. Yeah, they both would have fit in the big door. Yeah. Yeah. I've actually brought a book with me in case I get bored. I mean, surely at some stage in life someone has been receiving and reading at the same time which is is that offensive is that just efficient i just think that if two people aren't

both into it then it isn't what it is you know you know what i mean like i don't think that that's okay like if i said to somebody like, oh, I'm really into it, and they went, look, jump on. I'm not into it. I'm going to read my book. I'd be like, okay, then no. Okay, so I'm not a, yeah, no, I get it. So I'm not a gamer.

Yeah. But apparently there's like a thing that like when you're playing video games and your partner is like helping you out while you're gaming. Sucking you off. I was trying. Yep. Wanking. I was just trying to be delicate, but yeah.

There's no need. Yeah. So apparently that's like a thing. Yeah. But what I agree with, like, well, if you're into the game and play the game, if you're not into this, then. Yeah. I just kind of am like, oh, and it's not like, oh, well, if you're not interested in it, it's like, oh, I want both and it's not like oh well if you're not interested

in it's like oh i want both of us to have fun so if you're not into it then that's fine we'll do it later or whatever like that would make me really uncomfortable i think um yeah i don't know gamers need a lift yeah they do oh normally moving around like this makes me feel really sick well hold still, starfish. Oh, there's a couple of barnacles. Scrape those off. Get the old girl going. Oh, there she blows.

Oh, there she blows. All aboard! Don't have to tell me twice, here's my ticket. Oh, my grandma rode this when she was younger. Hi, this is Patrick from Switzerland and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Tomorrow on the show, a question, a normal or nah about the dentist. And as you know, Tony, I went to the dentist last week

and something embarrassing happened to me. It has to do with this normal or nah. And I know that you're a bit nervous about going to the dentist. I mean, no one loves the dentist, but I especially, I get a bit squeamish and a bit gross. But that's coming up tomorrow. Well, before we get there, I'd like to say a thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

Joshua Trujillo, Charlotte Proudfoot, Liana Brunetti, and Duncan White, and Kristen Page. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon, supporting us, buying our bonus content. You love to say it. Did you say content? Yeah, I did, but it was a stumble, didn't it? It did.

A U. I wasn't being funny. It was a bit of a stumble. I was trying to move past it. There was a U instead of an N, wasn't there? But it. A U. No, I wasn't being funny. It was a bit of a stumble. I was trying to move past it. There was a U instead of an N, wasn't there? But it was kind of like count 10 is kind of what I said. Don't say it again. But we're moving past it.

We're moving past it. We're moving past it. Okay. How did you find out they were cheating? Oh, so I once got cheated on and I found out through MySpace. What? Yep. What happened?

They put some other girl in their top eight friends and you're like, oh, it's this bitch. I'm not your number one anymore. So we're supposed to go to the ball, like the high school ball with somebody. They said, oh, actually, no, I don't want to go anymore. And I was like, oh, okay, all good. And it was like. You had to have a partner.

Yeah. So you just decided not to go then? I didn't go to the high school anymore. Right. And they ended up saying to me like, oh, no, I don't think I want to go anymore. And then they ended up taking somebody else. And on MySpace I saw photos of like her sitting on his lap.

Did you confront them? Oh, I think I was just like, yo, what the fuck? Yeah. And yeah, whatever. What did he say? He was just like, oh, like, fuck? Yeah. And yeah, whatever. What did he say? He was just like, oh, like, and I was like, well, you told me you weren't going to go and then you've obviously ended up going. That's a bit shit.

And I was gutted and I remember like crying in my mum's lap. Where's he now? Don't tell me he's a fucking lawyer. He's a lawyer. No, it's redacted. No, fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. He's lost.

Anyway, redacted information about them because they're not important. But, yeah, it was a bit shit. That was a bit shit. But that's how I found out, and that's very, like, early 2000s way of finding out. So I was checking on you, MySpace. How did you find out that way now? Like, oh, there's no photos of her on Instagram.

But have you seen his MySpace? Yeah, but his MySpace is popping off. And have you seen the girl that's his top eight? Wow. Fianna. Fianna. Fianna. Fianna.

Or would it be Tiana? Tiana. Yeah, maybe. It's probably not Fianna. No, it doesn't sound right. No. Oh, good. My boyfriend borrowed my mum's old phone while his was being repaired.

Hang on. And fuck me, have we not heard a bunch of these stories before? My boyfriend borrowed my mum's old phone. Yep. Yep. My boyfriend borrowed my mum's old phone while his was being repaired. Yep. People borrowing people's phones.

Sorry, I'm trying to keep track of whose phone it is. Somewhere else down the track. So, Theana. Yep. Her boyfriend borrowed Theana's mum's phone. So the boyfriend's got the old phone. Yep, for a week while his is getting repaired. Yep.

Sorry. Do you need me to draw a diagram? That dude fucking cheated on me. I'm an idiot. Yeah. Do you want me to draw a diagram? Nah, I got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Theana. Yep. So somewhere down the track. Yep. Someone else asked Theana's mum, can I borrow that spare phone? Something's wrong with mine. Yeah.

She goes, yep, no worries. Pretty sure my daughter's boyfriend used that at some stage. Let me just clear out the contacts and delete everything in there. My mum found videos of my boyfriend fooling around with some other girl and the videos were on the mum's phone. Could you imagine? Fuck off. Then the mum has to be like, hey, daughter, hey, Fiona,

here's some videos of old mate with some chick who ain't you. In the week, like you could have, and who's filming that? Who's filming that on their girlfriend's very, you know, Pam and Tommy. Who's filming that on their girlfriend's mum's phone? Pam and Tommy kind of situation, isn't it? Have you seen Pam and Tommy? Yeah, it's fantastic. Really?

It's so good, yeah. But apparently it's like not accurate. So it's all based on an article and Pammy is now making a Netflix documentary. They've been filming it apparently for like three years. About what actually happened. To like rebut that. But the show's very good.

You should watch it. It's on Disney+. Anyway, that is fucked. As if he couldn't have waited ten fucking minutes to get his own phone back or just not film it or delete it. He didn't cheat in the first place. Oh, yeah. I mean.

Yeah. Anyway. Julie Morris. Sorry, back on court cheating. Yes. Julia Morris. Julie Morris. I mean, yeah. Anyway, sorry. Julie Morris. Back on court cheating, yes. Julia Morris. Julie Morris. This happens every time. Sorry.

I found out a few years into my relationship that I was the other woman. A few years. A few years. So she thought she was in this innocent, long-distance relationship. He lived in another town, but he came to my town for work for a fair bit. So, you know, whenever he was in town, he would stay at my place. We were together. Then he had to go, like, home, back for work and blah, blah, blah.

Back to his other fucking family. Back to his other fucking family. So. Julia Morris. It's Julie Morris. Lady Julia Morris. Lady Julie Morris goes, hey, let's take this to the next level. I'm going to move to your town so we can proper be together.

Because after a few years, that feels like a normal first, like normal step, yeah. So she starts to notice that, like, he's away a bit but not in the other because usually he'd travel to her town but he's not travelling for work because blah, blah, blah. The way she finds out about this other family. I can't. Yeah.

She gets a new job in the new town. Yeah. And, you know, someone at work's like, oh, what brings you to town? She's like, oh, I've been dating this guy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's great. We're finally getting serious. His name's John. Love him.

Yep. Great. What's his name? John. His name's John. And she goes, oh, how funny. Like, that's my husband's name. Get absolutely fucked.

Absolutely fucked I am because she ends up working with his wife and they click pretty much straight away. I've probably got a lot of coming. I've had a lot of coming in them from the same person. Is that what you meant when you said lots of coming? I meant like he's obviously got a type so obviously the

girls are going to get along. Not that they're getting come in. Jesus Christ. You have to take it there, don't you? Wow. So they click pretty quick that they're dating the same guy. And she goes, oh, I didn't realise he had that other woman. And she's like, mate, we're married. We have kids.

If there's another other woman, that's you. Babe. Julia Morris. It's Julie Morris. Oh, you would be, and especially she's just moved her life to this other town. Please, dude. Fuck, so what, did they confront him together?

I hope they both fucked him straight off. Do we know what happened in the end? I don't know what happened to Julie Morris, no. Do you know what, I mean, absolutely sends me in these kinds of stories? How the fuck do people have the cognitive ability to date two people at once? I don't know. I am in struggle town with only one.

I've got six fucking full-time jobs. I've got a lot of shit going on and I'm so lucky that I have somebody that, like, supports me fully and Torbs is so phenomenal. Not only could I never imagine cheating on him because he would be brokenhearted and that is awful, but I actually just can't imagine having another person on my plate. Who could be bothered? Like, I just have no idea the interest in cheating on somebody,

like, in a long-term fashion. The only way I could think about how it could be possible is because you're spending so much time with this other person, you'd have to start a fucking podcast and pretend that that's what you're doing every Saturday afternoon. Well, we do it in the morning, so that's what we're doing. We're safe. I mean, Tony, you're just talking about business.

Yeah, we don't have a business. We don't have a business. Sorry, my mistake. Wow. False, false information. Fake news. False information. We don't have a business.

But that would be my ploy. Have you ever been cheated on? Because I know you've only, like, had a couple of long-term, like, relationships. I've been cheated on? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think so. No?

No. I just, yeah, in that situation, you've been together for a long time, you've got kids, you're married, you've got a house. You're just so tied to that person. I can't imagine how that would feel. I'm so sorry, Lady Julia Morris. Do you have time for Becky? Always.

Becky with the good hair. Her hair is phenomenal. Do you reckon she gets that all the time? Probably. I don't even get that reference. What's that from? Beyonce. Always. Becky with the good hair. Her hair is phenomenal. Do you reckon she gets that all the time? Probably. I don't even get that reference. What's that from? Beyonce. Oh.

That's who Jay-Z was. But they're still together, aren't they? Yeah. Because they've got babies. Yeah. Three. Beautiful babies. Beautiful.

Blue Ivy. Yeah, wow. Becky's first ever boyfriend. Hi, Becky. Oh, this is, don't. How old do we have an age? She was 17. First, oh, a very difficult age.

Yep. We'd been together for about nine months. We were watching TV together at my house. Nine months is a long time at that age, isn't it? It really is. That's a fucking stint and a half. Yeah. His phone keeps vibrating.

About 20 minutes later, he goes to the bathroom. Oh, don't they all? The scumbags. When he was in the bathroom, I receive a text message from him. But I don't think he meant to send this text message to me. I doubt it. I'm with the girlfriend at the moment, but I'd rather be with you. You're much better looking and you have a better personality.

I mean, kick a dog while they're down. Fuck me. The personality one would just really hurt, wouldn't it? I ran to the bathroom door, banging on the door so loud, my mum, who was downstairs, comes running up and says, is everything okay? What's going on? And she goes, well, Brad's in the bathroom and he's

texting another girl. So the mum goes, tell me what you need me to do. So Becky's mum, the fucking lord of this story. Yeah. Becky says, mum, can you get a bin bag from the kitchen and get all this shit and put it in the bag? And mum just goes, yep, done. Because together for nine months, you know,

you'd probably have a toothbrush and whatever. You've got spare knickers. Yeah, you've got all that sort of stuff. Yeah. And so he's obviously realised, I've sent this to the bathroom. Was she smashing the door down? So he's locked the bathroom and he's not coming out. Oh.

Becky's like, I think it's like he didn't want to face the music. What are you going to do? Live in there for the rest of your life? You're going to come out eventually. I guess at least there's water and a toilet in there. Yeah, I mean, two essential things. Yeah. I mean, I'd rather be stuck there than in the closet.

Yeah. Isn't it weird how water from the bathroom tastes fucked but water from the kitchen's all good? It's the same water. I know, but it doesn't taste the same. It doesn't have poo particles in the air in the kitchen, depending on what your behaviour's like on the way down. Yeah, anyway, so Becky's got all of his shit in a fucking bag,

in a bin bag. They live in the middle of nowhere and it's late at night. Send him out. Let the fucking coyotes get him. He eventually came out of the house. It's about a 30-minute drive from his house, drive, and in the middle of the night, no buses, no trains, we gave him a bag of his stuff and said get out

and he had to walk home. Like the fucking white ant he is. With a bin bag full of his stuff. And Becky's moved on and I can confirm is living a nice life without that arsehole. I love to see that. Yeah. That is a great fucking story.

What a douchebag. Yeah. And also, who is that stupid that they're sending the text to the wrong person? If you're going to cheat on someone, do a good fucking job. So is your outcome from this cheaters need to lift? Maybe. They're better at cheating, everyone.

Oh, I can't believe that. I'm so glad that mum was on board. Yeah. Tell me what you need to do. Yeah. Oh, I think my mum would be the same in that situation. She'd be like, fuck him straight off. Straight off.

Straight off. What do you love to see, Tony? Besides that, obviously. Yeah, I do love to see that. Becky, if you're listening to this, which hopefully you are, you know that we love to see that. That's awesome. I've got a tweet here that I think everyone will relate to.

It's by somebody called Kornski, C-O-R-N-S-K-I-I-I. So a bit of a nickname. Yeah. Don't think that's their birth name. That post-UberEats clarity got to be one of the worst feelings ever. Because, you know, you're sitting there, all the boxes of food are empty. You're sitting there, you're feeling like shit. You delete all your apps.

And then you download them again three nights later because you're doing it again. We, at the moment, are currently in the deleted Uber Eats phase. Oh, how's that going for you? We haven't ordered any Uber Eats for probably two months. Really? Yeah, we've been like really good. Is that because you're eating better or are you just calling the store direct? No, because we've been eating better and because we've been, yeah, if we do anything, we're

like, oh, we'll go and pick it up so that the restaurant gets more money. And then we aren't sitting on the couch and complaining when it comes and it's cold. It's four hours later. And last night I felt shit. I'd had a big week. I was like, can we just please order Uber Eats and Torbs? I was like, nah, I'm going to go to Coles, get some stuff. And we didn't do it.

And I just felt so proud of myself. Good on you. Yeah. And we didn't have to go through the horrible. App thing. The loop of being like, we shouldn't have fucking done that. I came home in a similar mood. Yep.

Tired. Yeah. You had a massive day yesterday. Yep. Yep. So you know what I did? What? I didn't do what you guys did. I got burgers. Fucking rate it

though. Good job. Thank you. Sometimes you know what you need. See, I can be supportive in both ways. Yeah, good. I like that. I love to see that. I like that. Joe Biden. Hi, Joe. I don't think we've mentioned the big Joe dog on this podcast. He tweeted, and I believe he's talking about sort of Ukraine

and things going on in Europe and stuff like that. He tweets, we can and we will, we must come together. And Sarah replied, Joe Biden's goals are the same as my partner and I's. We can, we will and we must come together. And I thought, oh, don't you love to say that? Good on you, Sarah. I'm pretty sure that's what she... Maybe

it was supposed to go to his close friends. Was it supposed to be on the POTUS Twitter? Oh, that's amazing. Oh, good on you, Sarah. Thanks for sharing that with us. And I like that her reply got more likes than the original. Oh, I love it when that happens.

Yeah, the original tweet. When you write a fucking cracker comment and everyone likes it and you're like, yeah. Yeah, it is. God, there's been a lot we love to see in this episode, hasn't there? I just so much love to see. I mean, I don't like to see people cheating on their partner. Absolutely not.

No, but the other stuff. The outcomes of those. Just to clarify. Yep, cool. All right. Well, tomorrow we're going to talk about Ryan's harrowing trip to the dentist. Thank you. And things that give you the ick.

That's on to Meowro's show. Love you, bye.