Toni and Ryan - On the Farm and in the Bedroom

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

It's Tuesday, so we're talking about things we can say on the farm and in the bathroom, and I had to go to the doctor for something VERY Toni and VERY embarrassing. Love ya! Toni xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hello, is that Abby? Yes. Hi, Abby, it's Tony and Ryan. Hello. Oh, my God. So my phone said no caller ID whenever you called. So I was like, am I about to get scammed?

Well, joke's on you. You are about to get scammed. And if you just put your credit card details in, we'll take care of everything from here. And don't forget the security code on the back. Yeah, of course. And congratulations with the inheritance. Yeah, let me just pull it out real quick.

Speaking of scams, would you mind approving this podcast? So I do have to tell you guys, I am a little fucked off. Why? Why? I'm just kidding. But you fucking got us. Both of us gave each other the dirtiest look. We're like, what's happening? What's going on?

Hi, it's Abby from Kentucky, and I approve this podcast. Yeah. I'm Jackie and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Welcome. I'm Tony. I'm Ryan. It's Tuesday. Depending where you're listening.

Yeah. Wow. And when you're listening, I guess. That's true. Because it might still be Chizzo, but it might be in like the year 2025. Like maybe you've scrolled all the way back and you're fucking listening to this. What's news in 2025? Oh, I like that.

And if you're just listening, this is the week after Will Smith hit that kid, Chris Rock. Yeah, hit that kid. I think Chris Rock. Because in 2025 people will remember, oh, that Oscars. That Oscars, yeah. They'll remember that, right? I guess so.

What's news? Oh, do you mean what's news in 2025 or now? Yeah. Oh, in 2025? I don't know, actually. I'm confused now. I feel like we've done Inception. Have they?

We've Incepted ourselves. They've changed the Statue of Liberty to now be my face. I like that. Thanks. Was I trying to say Inception or Interstellar? Inception. But speaking of both of those movies, this week I gave Ryan a very good surprise, so hang around for Thursday because it is amazing.

I did you a fucking solid this week. You did. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Coming up today, I want you to have a think about something that you've had to been to a medical specialist or a doctor for. That was maybe a bit cringey. Yeah, because I believe... I've done some damage this week and it was pretty embarrassing and I had to go and see someone about it.

And Tony's yet to tell me about it, but she goes, I just need to talk about something that has happened with a professional. Yeah. He's misleading. All right, we'll get to that soon. Right now, though, things you can say on the farm and also in the bedroom.

Yeah. Should we mention the warning you gave me before we... No. Okay, good. No. Also, shout out to Ali Duckett, who's one of the OG listeners. She got banned from Facebook for three days for making a joke about a hoe when people were giving their suggestions.

Fifty other people have made a hoe joke and were fine, and for some reason Facebook, like, triggered her word and were like, banned bullying. Oh, that's my first one. Is it? Yeah. Oh, God, Facebook's going to ban me. Well, get ready to be banning Facebook because let's get started.

This is Things You Can Say on the Farm and also on the bedroom. On the bedroom? Yeah. Great. Sorry. Of course. Pass me that hoe. Banned. Banned. See you later. Go on. See you that hoe. Banned.

Banned. See you later. Go on. See you in three days, mate. Catcher. Sorry, Ellie Drucker. That's a shame. Shame she got banned.

Hey, Tony. Hey, Ryan. You looking for a mean old cock? That'll wake me up in the morning. Oh, fucking cock-a-doodle-doo. Can someone this week, when they hook up with a person with a penis, scream cock-a-doodle-doo? Oh, I'll do it when I get home.

And just report back. I actually don't want to commit to that. But if someone could do it, please do it. Like as soon as they... Cock-a-doodle-doo. Who's ready to squeal like a pig? Oh, you apparently. Okay, right on.

Sorry. The dog. The dog. The dog. Oh, that looks like it needs milking. I love how disgusted you were with yourself when you said that. How do you feel about yourself now and your life choices that have led to this moment? I mean, of all the things that make me question myself, like the story I'm going to tell after this,

it's not a good day for me. This segment is actually a piece of cakage. A piece of cakage. That's very funny from you. Things you can say on the farm and also in the bedroom. Did you want me to put some beef in the back gate? Did you want me to put some beef in the back gate? It's nice when they ask, isn't it? It is.

It's polite. It's a nice gentlemanly touch. Oh, that feels a bit overgrown, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry. It's been a long winter. Bridget will hate me saying this, but she has these jeans with like a hole in the knee It's been a long winter. Bridget will hate me saying this,

but she has these jeans with like a hole in the knee and like a shorter leg so like you can see the ankles. And so she just shaved her ankle and her knee where the gap is. I can relate. Yeah. No, that's totally fair enough. And then the other day, I think you were around, she's like, I cut myself shaving. I was like, oh, did you shave your legs?

She's like, well. The bottom three centimetres. Where would you like me to spray the scene? That's not an answer. If you don't answer soon, it's... Wow, everywhere. Oh, no, not me. Oh, God.

I hate it when it gets my hair. My pubic hair. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, that is an absolute pigsty. Again, very long winter. Sorry. Sorry, this one's going to fucking send me.

I can't say it out loud without keeping it straight. That's how I felt about the milking. Call the hospital because this stallion is about to pop. I paid good money for this, Steve. Oh, can you smell shit? Oh, sorry. Sorry, I got too excited. Now, this one's a stretch, and that's not one of them.

It's just... I know this might go against the grain, but if you can't get the job done, I might have to finish myself off silo. Silo. I said it was a stretch. It was like solo. Yeah, I get it was a stretch. Was that solo? Yeah, I get it. I do.

I said out of hand it's a stretch. That's okay because when they have the caveats, it's okay because we know that it's coming. My caveat was this is pretty shit. Yeah. I liked it. Thank you. I do like the silo joke.

Thank you. Oh, you've got to get up earlier than that. I've been stressed at work. Before the rooster cries. Hey, Tony, you know how I know you're a great dairy farmer? How? You always finish off a hard day's work covered in the white stuff. Wouldn't that make me a bad dairy farmer?

Because I'm covered in the stuff I'm supposed to be selling. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. Hey, Tony, you know how I know you're a bad dairy farmer? How? Because you're covered in the white stuff. Ah!

That's amusing. Alright, quick break and then back to work. Sun's almost down, better start ploughing. Yeah, you don't want to get burnt. No! Oh, is that it? Yeah. Oh, sorry, I'm a little horse.

I'll show you a little horse. Yeah, so maybe it's pony. No! Are you a little horse? Yeah, so maybe it's Pony. Pony. He can be quite aggressive during mating season. I haven't. That was me eating to Grouch's.

Okay. No, it was as girthy as the one I did before. Oh, is that kind of your thing? No, that actually hurt my throat. A bit of a grunt? Is that what you would do? No. What would you do?

I'm more of a squealer than a grunter. But what is that? Look at Craigie Daw. Or like a worried animal. Like a puppy whose parents have left it alone for too long. Yeah, that is sad. Yeah. Wow.

I'm not turned on. I'm sad. It's reminding me that you're adopted. That's the sound I was making at the orphanage when I was left there. After your parents abandoned you. Yeah. Then I was just on the doorstep of the orphanage. You developed early.

Yeah. All right. Did you grow that carrot yourself? I'm a cattle grower, not a beef shower. Touch me with your cattle prod. What do you do for a living? I'm making pork swords. Do you like doing it in the morning?

Because us farmers are early risers. You got to get up pretty early to fool me. I'm not a violent fruit farmer, but I would like to hit that peach. That's a sexy thing to say. It is. And I got stuck on, like, animal farm. You went orchard. I like that.

Thank you. Yeah, show me your plums. We were just making jokes about my carrots. Oh, yeah. Vegan diet. Hey, it's Abby from Kentucky, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Tomorrow on the show, we're going to be joined by Australian comedian, YouTuber, podcaster, video creator, TikTok lord, Christian Hull.

Hull. He'll be co-hosting tomorrow. Yep. I mean, after what you've just heard, this isn't the highest brow of a podcast, but tomorrow could be a lot. Yeah, definitely a parental guidance rating on tomorrow, as I'd say. But it's going to be good. I'm fucking excited about it.

And a big thank you to a few of our champion Patreons. Champion tapas. Okay. You okay? Do you need to calm down? You've got carrot on the brain. I've got carrot on the brain. Carrot in your plums and bunny. You're thinking of beef injections.

You're thinking of beef injections. James Peterson, Josh, Jake Stobert and Jared Fuller. Bit of a J day. J day. Triple J day. Welcome. Thanks. Now, Tony, what have you done?

Because when I get a text and it just says, oh, I think I've got something for the podcast to share. So this week I suffered an injury. An injury? Mm-hmm. You okay? Well, as you know, I've been working out a lot recently and I actually ended up having to go and see an osteo this week.

Oh, you okay? Well, I wondered maybe if you'd ever gone and seen an osteo before, like a physio, because you used to be like a fucking international athlete. Athlete. Yeah, I mean physios. I used to go twice a week. Twice a week? Fucking hell, what are you, made of money?

Oh, the college was paying for it. Oh, sorry. I forgot that you were a fucking celebrity. When I finished, well, not finished, when I got hurt playing college volleyball, the college was like, we'll pay for you, Sholder Rico, but when you're good, come back. Yep. So I let them pay for it. Yeah.

And I never went back. Oh. Have they ever hit you up about it? Shout out to the Lindenwood Lions. Have they ever hit you up about it? The Lions. No. I mean, I didn't ask.

I didn't just message them and go, so what are your thoughts on that? Yeah. But I often have dreams of going back and then I realise I'm fat and 35 now and probably college sport isn't my area. Yeah, well, for college, I guess you have to be college age. Yeah. I remember at the time a guy was playing who was 24 and I'm like, jeez, he's getting on a bit.

So 34, definitely not. Maybe not. But when I was over there I dislocated my shoulder Yep And I Because you've got a pretty gnarly scar on your shoulder I've got a few yeah And I got taken into hospital

And the physio was like We're going to have to get you an x-ray To try and figure out how to get it back in So I'm in Things you can say in the hospital How do I get it in? So I'm sitting on this bed And the bed next to me and I'm like screaming because my shoulder's still out.

And so every time you like breathe and your muscle's twitching, it's like. Don't. That's going to make me throw up. I don't want to say the word harrowing. But I actually was going white because you're just like a ghost. Did they give you some fucking morphine or something? Eventually. But at first they're like, oh, but if you can't feel it,

then when they do the, oh, does this hurt, does that hurt, you're like, oh, it's all the same, I'm high, I'm off. So they've got to kind of keep it. Oh, that is awful. So in the bed. That is harrowing. I'll give you that one. Thank you.

Yeah, that's fucked. Don't come at me with harrowing being a bad word. Mate, don't threaten me with a good time. So this lady is about two metres. Oh, she's pretty stoked. Sorry, yeah, yeah So this lady is about two metres away from me, in the bed next to me. She's late 90s and it's her last sort of moments. And as sad as that is, it was actually kind of beautiful

because her kids, her grandkids were all around the bed holding Nana's hand and, oh, Nana, I love you so much. They couldn't have fucking sprung for a private room, surely? Well, I don't know what had happened that day leading up, but it was her last moments and then she was like, you know, could barely open her eyes, but she's like, oh, you know, I love you all and go and live a beautiful life and stuff. But the family could barely hear what she was saying

because two metres away there was an Australian guy going, Fucking shot a fucking idiot! Oh, it's spazzing me again! Where's the doctor? So I just wanted to say, Grandma, that I really loved you and respected all of the beautiful... For about 25 minutes I was just screaming my head off, trying to, like, wiggle my shoulder back into its socket as this lady...

Oh, fuck it. Luckily men don't fucking give birth. Can you imagine the fucking hoopla around that? This poor woman's literally about to fucking cuck it dead. My shoulder was out of its socket. Like a fucking pork chop. Out of my socket. No, mate. I mean, they should have sprung for the private room

But you could have done that as well College was covering the bill You should have just said look Let's not get political But let's just say if you're not an American citizen In an American hospital They left me at the front door And stapled my insurance to my t-shirt

Because they were like they won't let you in without it Anyway I'm condolences to the family. Oh, yeah. And may she rest in peace. Yeah. Yeah. Well, not peace. Rest next to a screaming.

Yeah. Well, hopefully she's in fucking peace now. Yeah. Obviously you didn't contribute to that at all. Ruined the end of her life. Oh, my God. She's like, my life has been beautiful until right now. So then the physio comes out and goes, is everything okay?

And I'm like, a lady's dying. Yeah. I am distraught. But I knew what was going on. So I was like, I was embarrassed, but I was still in pain. But you can't hold it in because literally your fucking shoulder is doing that thing. But if I was trying to hold in the screams,

I'd sound like I was being kidnapped. There's just something so funny about the term kidnapped for any age. So how did you go this week? Well, yeah, I mean... Did you kill anyone in an emergency room? As fucking stupid as that story is, it doesn't make me look great. So I feel like most people that would go to a physio or an osteo kind of, you know, it's for having a dislocated fucking shoulder or, you know,

a pretty serious. Athletes on the bend, hamstrings. Exactly. Back injuries. Yes. You've been working out a lot though. I've been working out a lot. Would you say enough to consider yourself an athlete?

Oh, no, definitely not an athlete. But, you know, like I've been moving my body. I've been really conscious about like making sure that I. Make it up early. Yeah, shut my rings on my Apple watch every day, all that stuff. This has nothing to do with that though. On Wednesday afternoon, I finished my day job at three. You were really busy studying and I was like, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give myself the afternoon off. Great. Because normally in the afternoon, I'm like cutting the podcast or coming up with stuff to talk about or whatever. And I thought, you know what? I actually just need an afternoon off. Treat yourself. I'm going to fucking eat a bliss ball on the couch

and fucking watch TV. Yep. I am halfway through eating the bliss ball. Mm. I fall asleep. Mm. On the couch. Where's the bliss ball?

It's just like in my hand. Okay. And I wake up probably an hour and a half later. Torbs is like kind of starting to make dinner. I'm covered in bliss ball because it's like on the couch with me. Yeah. And I've kind of fallen asleep in a Z shape. Yep.

On the like contorted on the couch. And I woke up in so much pain that I thought I was going to die. From falling asleep? From falling asleep on the couch. Eating a bliss ball. So healthy. It wasn't like a Kit Kat. Oh, thanks God.

So I can relate to the athletes a little bit. So when you say in so much pain you're going to die, that's not just the funny saying. You've ended up in front of a medical professional. Yeah, so I woke up. I couldn't move the right side of my body at all. I couldn't turn my neck. Do you ever wake up and you've slept on your arm and you're like,

Yeah, and it's like pins and needles or whatever. Yeah, was it that kind of thing? No. So the pain that I had through like the middle of my shoulders and through my neck was like. Like I'd scream in front of a dying grandma pain. It was nothing I'd ever experienced before. And we've all had like a bit of a crick in our neck

from spending too much time in front of the computer if you've got like a desk job or whatever. Nothing like that. So the next, I kind of, I put a weight bag on it to try and kind of soften it up. I'm like, it'll be all right. The next morning I wake up and I can't move at all. Like my body is basically like frozen solid.

I'm fucked. I can move my legs. I can't move my arm. I can't lift my arm. Can't do anything, can't move my neck, nothing. One of the guys that I work with, Tang, who I've talked about before, he is an osteo. Oh, great. And he goes, mate, I'll find you someone that I love.

I'll get you an emergency appointment. Oh, great. So this is on Thursday and he goes, mate, I've gotten you an emergency appointment before the osteo even opens tomorrow morning at 7.30. Great. So they normally open at 8.30. He'll come in a bit early. Yeah, he's coming in early.

He's taking care of you. Like they can't bog bill you. When he texted me and said I'm at the doctor, I thought it was early. Yeah, it was. So he goes, look, they can't bog bill you because it's outside of their hours so you're going to have to pay. I was like, bro, I could not give a fuck.

I need to fucking go. I'm in so much pain. So I rock up there in this, as we can all imagine, this quite sporty, well-dressed. Would you say a well-to-do gentleman? Yep. He's an osteo, like he's smart. Yeah, he's smart.

Five years at fucking medical school, osteo goes through. So this sporty guy. This sporty guy with a fucking fresh fade, he cycles up to the office and it's got like a kid's seat on the bike so he's like dropped his daughter off at daycare early to come and like sort me out. He takes me, he goes, oh, like, hey, Tony, like are you my early appointment? I was like, yeah, mate, I'm like fucking hobbling into the fucking office.

And he goes, come on, like, have you ever been to an osteo before? And I was just like, no, like, this is my first time. He was like, oh, okay, how old are you? And I was like 28. And he was like, oh. And I'm thinking, he's obviously like, fuck, how have you never been to an osteo before? Sports people go all the time.

Go all the time. Twice a week in some occasions. He starts, like, looking at my back, poking and prodding me. He goes, this is pretty bad. Like, what were you doing? Oh, well. And I have to tell this handsome sports doctor. This handsome sports doctor.

So you know bliss balls, right? Yeah. All those things you have, like, before the game. Or do you have them after training? They're a great mid-workout, like, energy kick. No, I was eating a bliss ball on the couch, fell asleep, woke up from a nap and now I can't move. And yes, I was covered in bliss ball. I cleaned myself.

The coconut was everywhere. And he was like, what? What? So he's like, what? I cannot comprehend. Sorry. And I was like was like yeah so i fell asleep on the couch got up and then you went to the training and then what happened yeah and then i myself at sport later and i'm like yeah look this is really embarrassing but i hurt myself falling asleep in like a weird contorted position. I've woken up. I can't fucking move. And he's like, oh, okay. And then he decides I'm going to be really nice to you.

Great. What a nice guy. And I'm like, oh, so, you know, I'm a bit embarrassed. I bet you just see athletes all the time. He goes, no, nah. And I was like, oh, really? And he goes, nah, I get like ergonomic people sometimes. Like, you know, this is more common than you would think.

And I was like, oh, I thought you would see athletes all the time. He was like, well, yeah, I do. He's like, hey, mate, I'm trying to make you feel better, so just fucking take it with you. Yeah, and I was like, I just need to accept your lie right now and like accept that you're trying to do something nice. Because he's like, an emergency appointment, obviously you've got a big fucking game it with you. Yeah, and I was like, I just need to accept your lie right now and, like, accept that you're trying to do something nice. Because he's like, an emergency appointment. Obviously you've got a big fucking game on the weekend that I need to get.

Melbourne's playing Essendon Friday night. I need to get them ready. Yeah. I've got a call from Tang. He's hurrying up. Yeah, the fucking AFLW are playing at the G on Saturday. You're obviously fucking, like, in their fucking back line. You've got to fucking go down there.

No, I fell asleep on the couch and then I needed to go to the osteo. And it cost me $100. Did he sort you out, though? Yeah, it was so good. What a legend. He cracked all my back, cracked my neck. I've got to go back this week, though. I reckon that's part of the plan.

It's a good tracker, though. Oh, he was like, I don't know if this will crack, but we'll give it a go. And he went, and then all up my back. It was actually amazing. Yeah, I agree. Oh, but fuck, I was so embarrassed. Like, I was, yeah, everybody else that was waiting in there

is like a fucking athlete. And this fucking hot young doctor whose hot young wife is also an osteo. And I'm like, oh, I'm really embarrassed. Anyway. You love to see it. My you love to see it is a meme, a Twitter post from Rachel F. Rachel underscore F.

Dropped off bags of clothes for donations in record time. One month in my room, five days in my car. Five stars. Fuck off. I'm not believing that, five days in my car. Five stars. Fuck off. I'm not believing that for a second. That sounds like a lie. Pretty good though. You do love to say that. You do love to say that. A month in your room, five days in the car. And the ratio of those things. Oh yeah. I mean, I've got bags in my car that have been in there for, since we moved house a year ago.

Well, when we drove to the studio this morning, I found a bunch of CDs and you said they've been in the car for eight years. Yep. It was so fresh 2011. Yep. You're welcome. Thank you. That's a relic now. It's worth some money.

You know what I love to see? Tell me. Because last week was April Fool's Day. Yep. Keep going. No, I'm with you. What I'm loving to see is the world slowly realising... That it's stupid as fuck.

..that April Fool's Day is maybe something we just don't really need. Oh, and just because everyone's got a fuckwit mate who says, like, oh, I hate it. I actually hate it. I'm not a prank girl. I don't like pranks. Yeah. They're not for me.

I don't like making people feel bad. I want people to feel good from my jokes. I don't want people to feel like shit because I've taken... And be the butt of the joke. Yeah, totally. I agree. I follow this guy on Twitter called Thunderson23. Okay.

And he tweets, Funny April Fool's joke is giving your shitty boss a resignation letter and then being so committed to the joke you actually quit because life's too short to work for a shitty boss. Fuck you, I'm out. That's a good joke. Because it's not really a joke. Because I was like, where's this going? Yeah.

Yeah, and then you get in your car and you take your box full of stuff. And you never go back. Gotcha. Gotcha. I'm living a better life now. And then after midday, the boss is like, are they coming back? Was that just a joke? And then jokes on them.

It gets to November and they're like, it's Michael coming back? Yeah. He made that joke and then I haven't seen him since. Or then he just rolls back in three months later and goes, oh, it's April Fool's. Yeah, just kidding. Couldn't find another gig, so I can't come back. We'd love to see that.

Hey, tomorrow on the show, like we said, Christian Hull. Christian Hull. He's going to join us. He's in town for the Comedy Festival. So we're like, mate, you can't come to Melbourne and not to the studio. And not come hang out with us. If you haven't seen his videos before, make sure you check them out on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, everything.

He's got some great characters like Trish. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'll love it. All right. We'll see you tomorrow. Love that. Nice. Oh, I don't have a – this is an emergency.

Meow. Love you. Bye.