Toni and Ryan - Peeing on Christian Hull

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

Comedian extraordinaire Christian Hull joins us for a verrrrry naughty episode for normal or nah and Grindr gone wrong. Love ya! T xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Samantha! Hi! Hey, would you approve our podcast? I will! Yay! I just got concerned because I reckon I've just looked at your last name, Samantha, and I feel like Tony has said some awful things about you.

What did I say? Is that possibly true? It might be, yeah. What's your last name, Samantha? It's Carmona. Oh. I'd like to issue an official apology. For some things that I might have said about your sexual antics.

I take it back. You sound like a lovely woman. Samantha, am I just exactly like a bully from high school? Like, did boys used to say that to you at school? No, no, they didn't. But I think it's really funny. I told my sister and she laughed. Oh, she didn't get it. Yeah, because people are coming on her as well. This is Samantha Carmona from Toronto, and I approve this podcast. Carmona?

I barely know it. Christian Hull's in the room. Should we start with an apology for what has been a potentially chaotic morning? Has it? I know the two of you are both absolute hot messes, so... I resent this already. I'm not happy. I would like to apologise. Thank you.

Because Tony... Oh, hang on. No, saying that you want to apologise isn't an apology. I'm sorry. For what? Saying that you owe me $10 isn't giving me $10. I'll give you $10. Okay.

Great. Are you handing out money? Yeah, we'd love to go and get some lunch after this. We said we'd pick up Christian at 11.30. I said, Tony, pick me up at 11.15 and we'll pick him up. It turns out there's traffic in Melbourne because it's a metropolitan city. Tony hates to be late and was driving a manual through the city, which I didn't realise you weren't an extremely confident city driver.

Really? Get driver. Really? Get fucked. Really bad. Like, Tony was, like, I love you, Tony, but, oh, my God, for the first time I thought my life was flashing before my eyes. Oh, mate, I don't think that's the first time. No, you're driving. Like, love you.

I love you. I'm being gaslit right now and I don't fucking like it. No. We're not gaslighting you, we're telling you the truth. I'm apologising. I'm giving you the $10. I'd like for you to apologise, Christian, as well. What for?

Fuel is really expensive. Oh, that's a good point. I'm sorry for screaming for my life in your vehicle. I did a pretty good job. Can I say, Ryan told me that, Christian, that you were free from 12. And so when Ryan said to shut the fuck up, both of you. Do you have like the Oscars music? Don't play me off.

So I thought we had to pick you up at 12 because I was like, you're free at 12. Ryan goes, no, I said he was free for a recorded 12. I was like, that is no one fucking happened. The footy's on. It's fucking chaos in Melbourne CBD at the moment. It's literally the two of you are so fucking useless because. You don't have to not swear.

You can swear. I can swear. Fucking you fucking assholes. It's like the blind leading the blind, which is why I think your podcast is so successful because you're just disasters. Well, I'm like, Ryan, you need to navigate because I can't use my phone while I'm driving.

He's like, I don't know how to put the address in. Can we just address the fact that you've, what, you said I don't know how to do it. It's Google Maps. You literally put in studio. It's as if I was using some new Fandangle app. It was just an iPhone. The issue was I was following the directions,

but the directions were taking us back to Christian's hotel because I hadn't updated it yet. Well, I told, oh, my God. Honestly. Can you understand why I was so stressed? So just then when we got into the studio, you ran into an old mate. And then Ryan came in and he said, I'm really sorry for putting you in that position.

And I said, I'm sorry for getting snappy. And he said, I'm sorry for putting you in that position and I said I'm sorry for getting snappy and he said I'm sorry for putting you in a position that would make you snappy. Then we kissed and now it's fine. Oh, that's so sweet! Yeah, we work as a good team except for obviously the display this morning was pretty fucking atrocious. No, but I loved it because

I was like, wow, Ryan doesn't know how to navigate, Tony doesn't know how to drive, how the fuck are we going to get there? We probably should have just swapped seats. Well, you did in the middle of driving. You're like, can we swap? I'm like, we're in the middle of the tram in the city. And Ryan can't drive a manual.

So it would have been interesting. Just not. We can. Yeah, we can. Because we're special. Special girls. Special girls. I can legally, just not well, actually.

Just bunny hop the entire way here? Yeah, because once you've had your auto licence for three years, it just rolls over into a full one. No, no. That is a bit. I'm pretty sure that's the thing. No, your full licence doesn't mean manual. It just means you're not provisional anymore.

You can't. Yeah, you need to. Ryan Jonathan Dunn. Because I've driven a manual like a bit. Like a lot of it. Yeah, my fucking car last week when yours broke down. So I was driving your car unlicensed. Oh!

My fucking insurance. I hope bingles don't listen to this. I mean, the Yaris, there's a few dents on the Yaris. Yeah, but I mean, she's from 2013. Can someone confirm in the comments of the episode thread? I bought her brand new, finance. Paid a lot of interest on that one. Can someone confirm that my theory is correct?

What theory? I think your licence upgrades into a full licence. I think it does. No, I think it does. No, it doesn't. Because you don't, as an adult, you don't then suddenly go, I'm going to go get a manual licence. You just get it.

You just learn it. And then the government goes, I hope he's learnt it correctly. No, that's not right. He looks like a legitimate citizen. Yeah, if I'm going to hedge my bets, I'm going to put $10 on Ryan Seary. No, honestly, it's not. Okay, how do you know? Tell us how you know.

Because I'm not a fucking idiot. The government doesn't go, oh, it's been three years. Surely they can draw the manual by now. I'm going to Google it. You'd be surprised. Okay, you go Google, girl. What did we find on Google? Okay. I don't know the answer yet. This is drumroll. Okay, you go Google, girl. What did we find on Google? Okay.

I don't know the answer yet. This is drumroll. Okay, here we go. Google has said. Okay. Ready for this? Good. At the end of your probationary period,

you can drive vehicles with a manual transmission without having to do another driving test, provided the condition is not required due to a medical condition. Really? That's Victoria. That sucked in. Bitch, you were wrong! I actually, that doesn't seem safe, does it? No, it doesn't seem safe at all.

I am for knowing the law. I'm not for agreeing with it. Like, I don't agree with it at all. Yeah, okay. Let's agree to disagree. Can we just say, Tony has a manual licence and I feel like you would be a much better manual driver. Thank you for saying that.

You're welcome. Thank you. Don't act shocked. Christian Hull joins us today. You went through a red light. You told me to. Or the other one. Oh, yeah, I mean, we all work nights sometimes.

Sometimes. Can you guys afford to have a driver? Well, Tony has a finance team. Tony does not have a finance team. Do you have a finance advisor? Yes. Do you have a separate accountant? And then a manager for the business affairs?

And a tax agent? Do you have four people or just three? What's a tax agent? Oh, that's the other guy. That's Mr Fox. Yes. Yeah. You have three people?

Yeah. She's busy, mate. You should be paying us for your time.'s Mr Fox. Yes. You have three people. Yeah. She's busy, mate. You should be paying us for your time. Wow. Yeah. God, here I was thinking I was the big dog in this. No, no. How dare you?

Absolutely not. Brian's the biggest dog I've ever seen. How many houses do you own, Tony? I don't own any. Oh. Yep, just own my 2013 Toyota R. Outright. And this Frank Green water bottle.

Those are probably the same price as a house. So every Wednesday, Christian, we do Normal or Nah. Basically, I'll just tell you what people have asked questions and we have to decide if it's normal or nah. And I did say you were coming in. Thank you. It's a great title, isn't it? What are we going to call it?

We wanted to call it Fun or Fucked. Oh, I love that. Yeah, so that's kind of now how we describe it. If people are like, what's normal or nah? It's like, oh, well, isn't it? What were we going to call it? We wanted to call it Fun or Fucked. Oh, I love that. Yeah, so that's kind of now how we describe it. If people are like, what's normal or nah? It's like, oh, well, it's Fun or Fucked. Yeah, great. Yeah. And I reckon some people knew you were coming in

and, like, have got a bit of intel. I reckon these are loaded questions. Uh-oh. Oh. Claire McKinnon. Hi, Claire. Hi, Claire. Normal or nah?

Dipping cheese in coffee. Well, they do know me. Yes. What the fuck? Nah. No. Is it normal or nah? Dipping cheese in coffee. Well, they do know me. Yes. What the fuck? Nah. No, is it normal or nah? Look, it's not normal, but I do it. I absolutely do it.

What sort of cheese? It's so delicious. No, don't. It's a great combination of food. So you get the sliced cheese and then you just dip it in like instant coffee, bit of sugar in the coffee, and then the coffee absorbs into the cheese, it melts it a little bit, and then you eat it and it's really yummy.

Where did you hear about that? I did it as a kid. You were drinking coffee as a kid? Coffee as a kid? Well. Oh, you've got triplet brothers, right? Yeah, right. So you had no attention.

So you were doing things to get attention. Left unsupervised. Mum, I'm drinking coffee. Mum, vodka. I've got to swig a bit. So you were making espresso martinis and dipping cheese. And it was so good. That sounds fucking awful.

Yeah. Tony's been around me after I've had too much coffee. She's also been around me after I've had too much cheese. Could you imagine my person after the combination of those two things? You'd be shitting on a towel at the barber that's what what is that expression well so ryan doesn't okay ryan went and got his hair cut and he was going on tv it was during covid but he was going on tv so he was allowed to go and get his hair cut at this freelancer for Channel 9 and it was at her home. And just before she cut his hair, he said,

oh, do you mind if I borrow your toot? And she went, oh, of course. And this woman is living in a one-bedroom apartment and the bathroom, you like walk through her bedroom to get into the bathroom. He goes in there. He's obviously had a couple of flat whites that morning. Sits down, does the biz, realises there's no toilet paper

and instead of scooping and washing his hands, he goes. Ew! I would never do that! But do you want to hear what's worse? That's an disgusting bitch! Do you want to hear what's worse? Using her bath towel and then hanging it back up but turning it around.

And then he walks out and she goes, oh, I don't think there's any toilet paper in there. And Ryan goes, oh, shit. Oh, God, don't worry about it. It's fine. He sits there, gets his hair cut and leaves. She didn't say anything. You disgusting pig.

Isn't that awful? Why are you telling the story again? So now, sorry, but now all of a sudden the scoop and wash doesn't seem so bad. The scoop and wash? No, it doesn't. You should have scooped and washed. Thank you very much.

So disgusting. So disgusting. But why did you put your shit in her bathroom and left it there? What was I supposed to do, just give her the towel back? Scoop and wipe. Yes, or put it and go, I just really, you could have just said, oh, I accidentally threw up in the towel. I'm going to put it in the laundry for you.

Would throw up be better? Yes. Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah, probably. Because it's less offensive. You can go, oh, I suddenly needed to throw up and I'm sorry, I did it in the towel and my throat smells like shit and it's brown. In my defence, I have stated on the record many times

that if I had my time again, I would have considered other options. But I panicked. I was in the moment. You do get panicked when you need to poo. Like I've seen the look on your face when you need to poo. How old are you? Old enough to know better. Not six?

He's not six. But you get to an age where I never understood old people where they were like, I have to go. I'm like, just clench, like just hold it. And I'm of that age where you can't clench anymore. Clenching doesn't work. It comes out regardless. Yeah.

It's as if you've had cheese and coffee together. But the cheese usually holds it in. Are we sure that's not a by-product of being a gay man? And probably obese as well. No, but I don't take it up the butt. Oh, okay. So I thought maybe there's a loosening that occurs. No, my farts make a sound.

It's a faint sound, but you can still. Oh, dear. Wootaboon has said, normal or nah, wanting not safe for work pitches on Grindr and asking for them, but then being shocked and disgusted when they actually arrive. Nah. I feel like that's nah. You literally asked for that. If you've asked for the photo when it comes through,

then surely you'd be like, we're on here. Why is that even a question? Send me a dick. I can't believe you sent me his dick. Yeah. Well, that's what Wooter said he does and he goes, I just. What? Well, he asks for them and then he gets upset.

Yeah. But it depends because you can go, please show me your penis and then you get a fist in an arsehole. You're like, that's not what I wanted. Yeah, but, I mean, misreading the brief is different. That's different, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I think nah.

Matisse Anderson, normal or nah? Ordering a takeaway dinner on the same day you do grocery shopping because thinking about cooking is so hard because you've had a busy day in the shops. Normal. So normal. The most normal thing of all time. Yeah.

I write that. How many times will you be like you'll buy everything, it'll be healthy, broccoli and whatnot, and then you go, just off that shop, I'm so tired from that shop, I'm going to Uber Eats, McDonald's. Yeah. Or you go, this is my week. I'm buying only healthy food. Yes.

You spend $300 on healthy groceries. And then on the second day, a minor inconvenience occurs. Minor. Minor. And you go, that's it, I've got to have a double quarter pounder. A loud motorbike goes by. I'll trick it. Yeah.

And then on the Saturday morning, all of your broccoli is fucked. You've got to throw it all out. And then you spend $300 the next day on more broccoli. Because you go, oh, I'll join the gym as well. You've already got three gym memberships. Yeah. We've all been there where we've had gym memberships in many cities. That has happened to me.

I had one for two years here in Melbourne and it was about $54 a week. What? Because it was a 24-hour gym and it was amazing. I bought all the extras. Yeah. I went to it twice in two years. I think it was like $16,000 I spent on nothing. That's a lot of money.

That is a lot of money when you think about it. So you know how we were saying Bridget and I are looking to buy a house? Yes, yeah. This for some reason came up in a conversation when we signed up to a gym down the road. And the gym called Bridget the other day and said, she'll hate that I'm sharing this, called her the other day and go, hi, I know you were mentioning that you might be moving sometime.

Have you moved? Because we haven't seen you in about three months. There is nothing worse than the phone call from the gym making sure you're okay. And you know they're just trying to be kind, but then you just want to die. Did you lie to them? She just went, no, we're still here.

Oh, we've had COVID for three weeks. Oh, my leg. It's just getting better now. Yeah. So I reckon it was the first week of Jan, which who doesn't sign up to a gym? Only when I sign up to gyms. I'm pretty sure it's the only time they're open.

The first week, then they shut for the rest of the year. Maybe they've got this trigger that's like, if they haven't been for three months, we give them a call and it's just ticked over to April so that person's on the phone making all these phone calls. All you have to do is just every once in a while just go in and scan in and then leave. Yeah, just to reset the timer so they don't call you again.

Yeah, that's a great tip actually. I mean, I've never done that before. When was the last time you were in the gym, Toni? I work out in my house. Like I have like an app, the Keep It Cleaner app, and I do all of my stuff on there. And I've got a gym in my house as well. So I use the pool.

Are you listening to this, Christian? I don't own a house, but you've got a gym and a pool. Oh, sorry, I live in an apartment building. With all the trimmings. What a liar. I have a mansion. Yeah. Next to Bec Jupp.

Yeah, Bec and I, yeah, we always play tennis together. I can so see that. Yeah, yeah. We play doubles. Matthew Grove. Hi, Matthew. Normal or nah, when you're not interested in someone on Grindr and they keep up with the like, hey, handsome, or what's up,

do you just ignore or block them? I find it really uncomfortable to respond saying I'm not that into you, but then sometimes ghosting is worse. Matt says you'd think they'd get the point after a while, but apparently they don't. So I have sometimes been on both ends where I'm like, wow, I've sent four messages. I thought you said you weren't a bottom.

It depends. It depends, right?. It depends. It depends, Ryan. It really depends. Sorry. If you're interested, he'd be a bottom, I think is what he's saying. Well, yeah. Velcro pants. He hasn't had any coffee and cheese today, so you're good to go.

Oh, dear. No, I get that a lot. Sounds like I've got tickets on myself. Of people not being interested in you? It's mostly like 80-year-old men and they'll be like, hi, hi, hi, hey, handsome. Ooh, you're so sexy. And I'm like, oh.

Like all of the same. It says seen on all of them and I haven't replied and I don't feel, I feel uncomfortable being like, I'm not interested. I don't want to block because I don't want to be like that person. Are all of those messages like at the same time or days apart? No, over months sometimes. Really?

I thought you were like, oh, they just kind of, we've just matched so they keep messaging that day but it's like over a period of time. Well, the problem is you don't match. So Grindr, it's a free-for-all for everyone. There's no matching. It's just literally like here's a bunch of gays in your area and then you message who you like.

So it's like the Instagram discover page. Yes, it's exactly like the Instagram. That is the best analogy. Thank you. So when I was in Bunbury there, because I signed up just to see. Oh, just to see. Oh, it was for work purposes. And because a small town, Grindr was new,

there was probably four people. It's just the same four blokes. And you would have been fresh meat. The freshest. Because before you joined, there was only three. They're like, there's a new kid on the block here. 25% more gays in the area. That was quick maths.

I like that. Thank you. So are we saying normal or nah to that one? It seems like it's normal. It's normal. Yeah, okay. If someone said to you, hey, you seem really nice, just not my type, all the best.

I'd rather that. So would I. I'm fine with that. Yep. Because then I'm rather that. So would I. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Because then I'm not pushing shit up here anymore. Some people get real, like, can be really aggressive. Oh, there's no need for that. But it says, and I was just trying to be polite.

And then also because, here we go, more tickets on myself. Christian, before the internet, I probably would be comfortable saying, you know, not my type or whatnot. Yeah. But then I don't want to be rude. Yeah. Or to like just. For it to come across.

But then it's also rude to not say anything. So sometimes I'll be like, hey, how are you going? And then I'll just quietly put them on like. Mute or something. Yeah. So you can mute people. Yeah. Right.

So you've just got a whole muted folder. Yeah. And it's usually only, and bless them, the really old ones. I attract, like the only people I attract is, no, I don't. See, again, pre-internet Christian, I would have been like, get your dick in my mouth now. Yeah. It's $50.

And, but yeah, no. So when we worked together, like at the same company. I was going to say, I didn't know that you guys worked together. Oh, not at the same show. I think you were in Perth for a while when I was at Perth, like for a day or two for some reason. Yes was going to say, I didn't know that you guys worked together at the same time. Not at the same show. I think you were in Perth for a while when I was at Perth, like for a day or two for some reason. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And I remember coming around to the desk and you looked awful

because you were sick. You had like a cold. And this was pre-COVID. Yes. So Christian's got like the cold and flus and sounded a bit nasal. I was like, hey, man, how you doing? You're like, oh, actually, I'm pretty fine. I just flew in and I'm not feeling great.

And I was like, hey, where are you staying? You You're like, oh, actually, I'm pretty fine. I just flew in and I'm not feeling great. And I was like, hey, where are you staying? You know, let me get some cold and flus and some whatever. I'll organise some hot noodles when you finish your day's work. This sounds like absolute bullshit. Did that happen? Well, and Christian literally looked like death, just got off the overnight flight and was like, I'm actually going to a grinder place today,

so I'm not going back to the hotel. I was like, you can't even talk. And you're like, well, I'm only in town for a day. Yeah, my throat's completely fine. Fully available. Yeah, because I can't talk, but you're not going there to chat. There's other things to do. You'd barely arrived in town.

Yeah, well, that's the thing. I'm like horny 24-7. I'm horny right now. Okay. And can you tell? Tony's in the room. Tony's in the room. That's why I'm horny. Yeah. Thank you. can you tell? Tony's in the room. Tony's in the room. That's why I'm horny.

Yeah. Thank you. That's actually so sweet. I needed that today. Three gins from last night. Every time, like, I'm in Melbourne at the moment and it's like you get to a hotel, immediately you're like, right, I have to make use of this sex room.

Hotels are just sex rooms. Well, the two minutes that you were out of the room, I said, oh, Christian, what are you up to after this? He's like, oh, well, I'm going to get as much fuck as possible. I want as much dick. Yeah. Okay. And fair enough.

You're in town. You're a young gay. Come in. Welcome. Come in and then leave. That's beautiful. Isn't that romantic? Yeah, it's very lovely.

You know how we normally do in the bedroom, the segment? Oh, yeah, things you can say in the bedroom. Yes. Oh, my God. I love it. I don't think I told you about this. I just wrote a few for today. Oh, okay.

I should have given you the heads up. Probably. That's all right. What's the scenario? Things you can say are asking Christian how long to your podcast and also in the bedroom. Fuck off. Is that too wordy?

Leave me alone. Stop telling me you're horny. Things you can say asking Christian Holland to your podcast and also in the bedroom. When we've all finished, I'll call you a taxi. Oh, that's so lovely. Because we're nice and two, because I can't let you back in the car with Tony after what happened earlier today. No, no, thank you. and two, because I can't let you back in the car with Tony after what happened earlier today.

No, no, thank you. But also, all I can think about is you finishing. Just give me a moment. Sorry. That's what's holding the table up at the moment. It's not that big. That table didn't have any legs on it. It doesn't.

Third leg, tell me what. Things you can say asking Christian Holland to your podcast and also in the bedroom. I know you've got a busy schedule, but if you've got a spare 30 minutes, I'd love you to come in. Always. I always have a spare 30 minutes. The good thing is that you have 29 minutes.

Oh, I was going to say. 27. I can at least go for three minutes. No, Ryan. 30 seconds. Oh, for Ryan, are you? What? Personal question here.

How long do you last? Like Tony said, if we had a spare half an hour, we'd probably have time to go for lunch after. Oh, wow, your partner's so lucky. She is, yes. She has a lot of hobbies. This is Samantha Carmona from Toronto, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

Very quickly, a very big thank you to a few of our champions from the Patreon. I've got them written down here. Can you not use that voice? Yeah, I don't know what that was. So disgusting. Don't try and show off because Christian's here. What did you say?

Gang up, gang up. Don't gang up on me because Christian's here. Hang on, hang on. What did you say? Champion tapions from the Patreon. I've never heard you say that. I literally did it on Monday. I've never heard you say that.

I literally did it on Monday. Please never do it again. Okay. I love you and I love the Patreons. it on Monday. I've never heard you say that. I literally did it on Monday. Please never do it again. Okay. I love you and I love the Patreons. All right. Thanks to Timothy Jacobs, Emma Fucker. Yes, she does.

Josh and Amber May. Thanks, Amber May. Patreon. Don't pull that face. We love you, Tony. Thanks, Tony. I fucking copped it today. You have.

I drove you guys around all morning and then I did this. 10 minutes. Okay. 10 minutes. I was in the car for over an hour. Just to get from Richmond to the city. Yes. I know.

It surprised me too. Is that just avoiding all the hook games? Yeah, because we kept turning left. We'd been circling the block for hours. People on this podcast, people who listen to this podcast, love a first date's gone wrong, a Tinder mishap, and I mentioned this to you and you said. I've got so many Grindr mishaps.

Is there one that makes you cringe still to this day more than any other? I had one guy completely shit himself in my bed. And that's the end of the podcast. But it was at that moment I realised I was pretty common and he was on drugs. I would have thought. It was on drugs. I would have thought. It was really hot. Like, he was a 10.

I'm a best of three. Oh, hang on. He was really hot? Yeah. I thought you said it was really hot. Ooh. He came over and I was like, wow. Like, sometimes I can pull guys and I'm like,

I don't understand. They're so hot. But he was on drugs. So I obviously looked like Zac Efron or something. So he came over and we were doing our thing and he was just, it was quite like a bit aggressive. He was like, I want this, I want to do this. And I was like, well, this isn't really great for me. Was it fairly late at night?

Yeah, it was really late. It was like 1am. Oh. Oh, like a you up, come over now sort of scenario. Okay. It's like 1am. Oh. Or like a you up, come over now sort of scenario.

Okay. So it got a bit weird and then he was like, can we invite someone else? I was like, oh, yeah, great, good. I don't have to do the work. Perfect. So he was on Grindr and he found someone and then this person comes over and they're like. Was this all at your house?

This was all at my house. Because I don't like confrontation. So I just like, yep. Oh, you want to. Side note, I had another guy just urinate all over And because I don't like confrontation, so I just like, yep. Oh, you want to? Side note, I had another guy just urinate all over me because I didn't like confrontation. But you know what? When you say just, like as in earlier that day?

No, no, no. This was like. A different scenario. Right, okay. Yeah. He said, are you into water sports? And you went, okay. He was like, can I piss all over you?

And I was like, yes. Have you had any coffee and cheese? Can I interest you? And, yeah, we just went to the shower and he urinated all over me. And I was like, you know what? Didn't hate it. Really? Yeah, didn't hate it.

I mean, it's pretty, like, visceral, isn't it? And I can understand that if you were really in the moment and you were feeling really sexy, I can understand how people, it's not personally for me, but I can understand. Then he was like, piss on me. And I was like, I'm a nervous peer. Like I can only pee in a cubicle, can't pee on a urinal. And I was like, okay.

And it's so fucking awkward. What, so he's just there waiting? Yes! And which makes it even worse. So I'm standing there like, Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Thatcher, like trying to, you know, and it's obviously, it can be really hard to urinate when it's full half. You're stage fright. No, but I was going Thatcher, like trying to, you know, and it's obviously it can be really hard to urinate when it's full half.

You're stage fright. No, but I was going to say, if you have an erection, you can't. Yeah, yeah. Have I told you about the time I got drug tested? That's not what I thought you were going to say. I was hoping it was. Yeah, but why did you get drug tested? Believe it or not, I used to be an athlete.

Don't act surprised because I'm in good nick, as you can tell. You're both looking very surprised. You're very good, mate. And so I was playing in the Australian League and people get picked. He played, like, all over Europe and in America and shit. He got a scholarship to an American college to play fucking volleyball.

Which sounds like a joke, but that's a real thing. That's so California. But before you think it's really sexy, right, because immediately what do you picture? Beach volleyball, right? Yes, beach volleyball. It's fucking indoor volleyball and they wore knee pads and stuff. I didn't wear knee pads.

My wife laughed at me this morning when someone, for some reason knee pads came up in conversation and she just pissed herself laughing. Do you still have a uniform? Don't look at me like that when you ask those questions. One episode, can you do the podcast in full volleyball uniform or can you organise one? In the volleyball garb?

I think that would be so hot. All right, we can see what... It's not a hot outfit. Yeah, it'll be short shorts. I'm just picturing like a midriff top. I think you're thinking of beach volleyball. And women in bikinis. Yeah, yeah. Indoor volleyball, very of beach volleyball. And women in bikinis. Yeah.

Indoor volleyball, very different. Anyway, so you got drug tested. So they randomly select some people and you need to, like, pee into the cup. Yeah. And because you don't want to have, like, fake wee, they have to watch you do it. They can't just.

Are you kidding? So you have to have your shirt above your nipples and your pants below your knees so they fully. Like a toddler peeing. Yeah. That's how I normally dress anyway. And so the stage fright is real and when you've just played... Like, do they watch you from the front or from the back?

Where do you pee from? No, but, like, can they see? Yeah, they're, like, front on watching you. So they look at your penis. They look at your penis. I couldn't do that. Yeah, neither. Whoa, that sounds like assault.

And so they let you know like sort of 20 minutes, like the game just finished and they go, hey, mate, in about 20 minutes we're going to drug test you. And they give you some bottles of water because they're like, sometimes it can be hard to go. And after you've exercised, you dehydrate, like it is hard. So I'm like, oh, I'm going to scald this water because I'm like, as soon as I whip it out and the guy's staring at me,

I'm not going to be able to pee. And I heard this story. I think it would go back inside itself. Mine would probably get hard. But also I'm like, how do I get that job? Excuse me, I'm not going to be able to pee. I think it would go back inside itself. Mine would probably get hard. But also I'm like, how do I get that job? Excuse me, hot athlete. Just walk up to, hi, I'm definitely an official drug tester. Please get your penis out.

In your fucking tie-dye hoodie. My short shorts and my thongs, yep. Maybe if you just put a high vis on and some glasses. I'm working undercover. I don't have a cup, just pee into my mouth. But what happens? So I'm nervous that I'm going to get stage fright, so I probably drink three litres of water in 15 minutes, right?

A lot of water. Yeah, so by the time I get in there, I'm going to be like... Ready to go. Ready to go. And so because it's done by Asada or WADA or one of those, there's all these, like, you have to pick your own those, there's all these like you have to pick your own cup so there's no contamination. You have to pick your own lid.

You need to sign here. And so you can imagine like, cool, so just before we get started, Ryan, I'm going to need you to fill out these three forms. Choose this, this, this. Oh, God. And I'm like, but I'm fucking going to go to bed. I'm pissing myself. It's happening.

So by the time I get there, I was like shaking. So I'm like, I'm about to get hurt. Yeah, I'm holding it in so bad. But also, you need to pee at the best of times. Thank you. So like Ryan pees like six times a day. Yeah. Six times a minute.

Wait. Every six minutes. That meme of the math podcast just happened in your head. A lot. So I had the opposite of stage fright. I was about to piss myself. I finally get in there and start peeing in the jar. Stop.

Because the jar, the sample is like... It's so small! The jars are so small! And he goes, yep, that'll just about do. And I'm like, for who? I'm not done. Am I in this private room? Because obviously you've got your dick. And I'm like, for who? I'm not done. Am I in this private room? Because obviously you've got your dick.

And I was like, well, what am I supposed to do? And he's like, I don't know. And he just goes, well, you filled the cup. And I'm like, give me a more cup, give me a cup. So I pissed in the bin. You pissed in the bin? Right. Was the guy like, what?

Well, he took the jar and he goes, well, if you need, I guess you can just... And he just walks out of the room. You shit on a woman's towel and you piss in a bin. It was a bin in a medical... Wait until he throws up on a baby. A baby threw up on me last week. Yeah, it wasn't last week.

It was a while ago. Why is it fine that the baby throws up on me but not cool if I throw it up on it? Oh, wow. We don't need to answer that question. You should. Look inside yourself for that one. Oh, my God.

Wow. What an insight interview. Anyways, he shat in my bed. That was the crux of that story. You love to say that. You do. Wow. You love to say that.

Sorry, I'm flabbergasted. And does he leave after that? Does he stay? Well, he was getting, like, can you, you know what that means? Like, he was getting nearly penetrated. And then the guy pulled out and he just shut everywhere. And then the guy left. And then the guy was like, oh, sorry.

And then he left. And now I just had a bed full of shit in it and I don't like, like, I'm like I think most people are, to be fair. Yeah, I think other people's shit as well. Oh, scoop and wipe over here! I wouldn't even touch my own! Disgusting!

Significantly worse. Yes! Significantly worse. No worse. Absolutely. I would agree. Stop that. There is no way that scooping and washing your own shit is worse than somebody else's. No, because you can sort of... Yeah, I actually think I would scoop and wash someone else

than my own if the world depended on it. No, but the world's not asking anything of you right now. This is just, if you're in a desperate situation, are you telling me that Ryan shits on a towel and he goes, Christian, I really need you to do this, you're going to do it? In a desperate situation, if there was a towel on my hand, I would go the towel. No, he could use his own fucking hand.

Thank you very much. That's revolting. No, because you just quickly do it and then you wash your hand in the sink. How many times have you scooped your? No, never, because I'm an adult and I assess whether... Maybe it's about having anxiety. I assess that there's toilet paper before I, you know, do something that requires toilet paper.

Always. I'd love to know, because you've got a great listener base, if anyone has ever scooped and wiped their own shit. Lots of people actually said that that would have been preferential to using the towel. Yeah, there was a lot of... Yeah, so I've already got a great support system on this. I just want to say in a quick shout-out, because Christian is in,

a lot of people might have listened to our podcast for the first time today because they saw Christian was on it. Oh, has Christian agreed to share this, like, maybe across his very... Other people have just... Oh, the only reason I'm coming on here is because you've got way more numbers than I do. I'm leveraging off your success. What I'm trying to say, if this is your first time listening,

it's been a very graphic start to your Tony and Ryan journey. I actually disagree. Have you heard any of the other episodes we've done? I've seen your content. This is perfectly respectable. Okay, my bad. My bad. Can I play the music again now?

Yes, you can play the music now. So, Christian, we finish off an episode with things you love to see. So something really uplifting or something you're proud of that you did yourself this week or something that, like, a friend did. Like, last week, Ryan finished his exams. That was my you love to see it earlier this week. My you love to see it today is a post from the Domino's Australia

Facebook page, which of course is highly in my follows. Well done to Domino's delivery expert, Shane, who not only has been a dedicated team member for more than 11 years but has completed more than 11,000 safe, hot and fresh deliveries and they gave him a special golden badge to congratulate him. Isn't that so lovely? How many deliveries? Over 11,000.

Oh, my God. That's incredible. I know. Yeah, over 11 years. Isn't that insane? Do you know they're not allowed to come into the house? Because apparently it's really common when... Yeah, because Christian keeps asking them to.

Do you know I used to hit on my Uber Eats delivery driver? Of course you did. Because they're already in the right spot. Suddenly, like, in a non-aggressive way. Give me an example of your non-aggressive way. Hi, I've got an order for Christian, two Thai, three large rices, a packet of pop it arms. I've got a family-sized meal for your family.

It's just me. Open the door. I'm wearing just a robe and then. And is it a bit open? It's a bit open, yeah. But I'm not like completely out and then. And is it a bit open? It's a bit open. Yeah. But I'm not like completely out. And then I just, there was, there was a time. What was your hit rate?

Out of the hundred one, I got one. One. I got one though. That's still one more for most people. The one went back to the car and then DM'd. And was like, just how are you going? And I was like, I know it's on. I was like, get up here.

Also, it wasn't like straight in and straight in. No, no, no. It's never like that. Yeah. It was hot. It was really hot. That is hot. But I just want to stress that I'm not just showing my dick

to people without them asking. No, that's okay. Oh, my God, I didn't realise you were coming. Like, oh, God, sorry, I'm not wearing. Even though I ordered this food and have been tracking the map. Yeah, and I've been watching you on my account and waiting for you for 45 minutes. Yeah, and I called out to my friend Mel. Oh, Mel, the food's here.

Mel's not here. Guys, everyone up to the table. We can dream. Do you have a You Love To See It rhyme? I saw this meme the other day, and it's this photo of someone who, you know when you're like pretending that you're thinking hard and concentrating but you're really not?

Have you seen this meme? Constantly. No, but I constantly, I do that face. I've been doing it a lot today. Yeah. Yeah, oh, wow. Yeah, so the caption reads, when you ask for the price of something,

realise it's way too expensive and you've got to pretend like you're still considering it. And then you've got to make up a lie like, oh, I think I might find it cheaper online. I've actually already bought three of them. Sorry, I forgot. I forgot that I've got these Gucci sneakers. I don't really need a sixth pair, do I?

Yeah, probably not. I don't know why, but that meme just tickled me all afternoon. I just couldn't stop giggling at it. Because you try and play it so cool. How many times have you done that? Because you, I mean, you... No, I just couldn't stop giggling at it. Because you try and play it so cool. How many times have you done that? Because you, I mean, you. No, I just buy it. Do you?

No. No, I don't have anything expensive. No. I actually. Just an apartment with a pool and a gym. I don't own it. I don't own it. Your rent's probably a lot.

It is. What suburb is it in? It's in Richmond. It's in Richmond. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, so you really had to come out of your way to pick me up today. Yes.

We're hopefully within 100 metres of the studio here. Oh, my God. Why didn't you just tell me to get in an Uber? Because we thought that it would be friendly for us to. But we had a great experience. We did. Mine is that you did, Tony, you did a hook turn for the first time in five years. It was impressive.

Well done. Thank you. Well done. I've lived in Melbourne for a long time. Every time I come up to hook turn instead of turning right, turn left and hope for the best. I just keep turning left until I get to where I need to go. You're like, do I have to do a hook turn on this trip?

And then we forced you to do one and you did it really well. Sort of really well. A little bit of death, but it was good. We're all fine. I'm really proud of you. Thank you, guys. That actually means a lot. But Christian, if anybody isn't listening because they're following you,

but they're listening and hearing you for the first time, where can people find you? What's your address? Over the next few days, I'm at the Adina. The Lyft doesn't need a swipe card. Just come on into my room. I'll be naked. As long as you bring a fucking family time, you'll leave.

Yes, please. I'll be in a robe. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Just... Do you want to say something? Google Christian Hull. Yeah, like...

When you type it in, spell it right. Unlike I did in the group the other day. What did you spell? How did you spell it? I wrote... X-T-I-A-N. It was... Ridiculous.

It wasn't by... Christian. It said Christine. Christine. And I said we're going to be talking about Grindr etiquette. And I spelled etiquette wrong. Who needs spelling? I can't spell.

Neither. Neither of you can actually, that's fair. I'm doing Melbourne Comedy Festival and the greatest, like proudest moment was when they're doing marketing for like some of the regional towns. There's a huge like billboard. Oh, wow, that's amazing. It's really good.

That's cool. But my last name is Christian Hall, H-A-L-L. And I was like this just filled me with pride because it also sounds like maybe I'm at a venue, like I'm at the Christian Hall. It does sound like a venue. Some bloke performing at the Christian Hall. Yeah, the wrong type of crowd.

Don't come to that show. All right, chat to you guys tomorrow. Bye. Bye. Love you. I don't.