Toni and Ryan - Playing Tennis and in the Bedroom

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Things you can say playing TENNIS and also in the BUDOIR, and my joke has backfired. Across many countries. Love ya! Toni x Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Tony. I'm Ryan. We're calling Chase, who is in Utah. Cut to the... Chase. Hello? Oh my God, is that Chase? Yes, it is. Oh, it's Tony and Ryan. Hi, guys. How are you?

We're, I mean, better now that we're talking to you, Chase. We're a-chasing. We're a-chasing. Aww. Will you approve the podcast? Of course I will. Yes. We were chasing our time. Yes.

Hey, it's Chase from Utah in the United States, and I approve this podcast. All right, Tony, coming up on the show. I want to know when you bought, tried to buy a gag gift for someone, just like a little joke gift, and it like backfired. Is this in the category of I was just trying to be funny? It is actually, and that's exactly what I thought of when I was thinking about the story. I was like, ah. You know when you just like.

I meant well. You just like do a little joke and it kind of goes on too long and there's like no payoff. And you're like, fuck, it's so, like the juice is so not worth the squeeze. And I'm kind of at that point. I tried to buy my boyfriend Torbs a real cutesy gift, and it's backfired spectacularly. Okay, we'll get to that shortly.

But now things you can say playing tennis and also in the bedroom. Oh, no. I didn't strap my wrist beforehand. Hope I've got insurance. I'm not laughing at the wrist strapping joke. And I saw a lot of people tagging me in the joke in the Facebook group and I don't appreciate it. But I mixed it in with the insurance joke.

Yeah, I'll appreciate the insurance joke. Sorry, just trying to make you happy. Yeah, I know. Well, you know how not to do that and it's the wrist strapping thing. Things you can say funny things and also in the bedroom. Oh, he's a grunter. Little piggy. Piggy.

Doesn't really work for both. Oh, cover me in your tennis whites. Wow. Yeah. You can if you want. Strict dress code. Look, I didn't come here to watch you play with your own balls, so let's do a bit of back and forth.

I'll do some, you do some. Yeah. Look, I know you're not allowed to do this at Wimbledon, but I'm going to fucking smash this. You know, you're not allowed to smash your racket. Yeah. I did a bit of research for this one. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure it's in, but can I get the video replay? Sometimes you just need a little bit of research. No, it is in, isn't it? Definitely in. Fuck, I've been doing this for so long, it's giving me tennis elbow. It's always so embarrassing. A teacher rocks up to school with this bandage on and you go, what's wrong with the elbow?

And they go, oh, tennis elbow. You don't play tennis. I'm like, nah, I just got it. Yeah, too many wristies. Now I know. I was just like, that's fucking embarrassing. To have a sports injury when you don't play sports. Turns out you're just giving HJs behind the fucking... HJs.

HJs behind HJs. Now that I've turned pro, I've got ball boys to take care of my balls for me. You know you've made it. Yeah. When you've got ball boys. Yeah. Take care of this for me. Thanks, bud.

Oh, could we have a quick drink break? And can you get me a towel? Sweating up a storm. Not just in my armpits. Am I holding this right? Everyone does it differently. Okay. Yeah.

I've got my own technique. It works for me. Does it feel good for you? Yeah. That's good. Well, I know how to hold my own one. Yeah. I mean, you've got to be careful of tennis elbows.

So take care of it. Look, I know it's frowned upon, but I'm actually pretty into ball tampering. It is frowned upon. but I'm open to it. It's illegal, I think, isn't it? Venus has unbelievable skills, but her sister's even better. They're the god of this. Yep. Over decades and generations, no one has performed as well.

It's so impressive. Yeah. And they've both got kids as well. Work mums. Mums I'd like to forehand with. That's what MILF stands for, isn't it? with. That's what MILF stands for, isn't it?

You know how at Wimbledon they only eat light strawberries and cream? Yeah. Yeah. So I've got some strawberries. All I need's the cream. You've come to the right place. You'll be coming in the right place. On those strawberries.

Now I know why you're ranked in the top 10. I'm the world number 69. Imagine if there was a world ranking of just, you know, fuck boys. I think that's what TikTok's for. Oh, my mistake. There is. You know the tennis player Marina Navratilova? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a virgin. Yeah, Nav out of love. There's so much happening there. I don't think you've ever laughed that hard at a joke I've told. It's because I still don't fully get it. I mean, the word is just so funny. Yeah, it is. So Navratilova.

Yeah, I'm a virgin. I've never had a lover. Yeah, I've never had a lover. I've never had a lover. You fucked my joke. No, it was fantastic. It is very funny. I told you I did research for this. Look, mate, it doesn't fucking matter because to be honest I'm just here for the money.

Yeah. Now, this one. You know whoever comes first wins, like, over a million dollars. You're going to win. I'll be the richest guy on this planet. And shout out to all the girls I've ever been with on welfare. I'll study. Now, this is when you find out that she's got a boyfriend.

And also when John McEnroe doesn't like the umpire's call. Okay. You can't be serious. You should have done the accent as well. You can't be. No know his accent he doesn't sound like i know you can't be serious that actually is pretty fucking good what john mackinroy was in the room same is he not ryan john mackinroy yeah hey i'll call some friends we'll do a bit of two on two yeah playing doubles can be fun can't it four times the hands two two two times the hands so you know how the world tour comes to australia like in our summer yeah this train opens um and this is also for like

traveling fuckboys okay yeah he flies into melbourne a year. He hits it and he flies back. I heard he didn't even get in this year. Is it a qualifying event? He has to beat out another qualifier to get into the main draw. I'd rather look at my bedside drawer if you know what I'm saying. Okay, this one is for if you're sponsored by Nike. Oh, just do it. Are you their new ambassador?

For Tennis Australia? Yeah, they do really inspiring videos, Nike, and they just did another one for Serena, but I think... Hit me up if you're interested, Nike. I'm your gal. What would you say to the Nike executives thinking about signing you? I'd say just do it. And what would you say to me at 2am the other night? Just do it. All what would you say to me at 2am the other night? Just do it.

Alright, all the singles? Put your name in the hat and we'll draw it out and see who's playing in round one. Speed dating. Hey, it's Chase from Utah in the United States and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon, Tony and Ryan podcast listeners.

You can join up or check out our Patreon at any time. All of the links are in our show notes. And also all the info to get to our Facebook group. You can join Tony and Ryan Facebook. No, Tony and Ryan podcast on Facebook. Maybe Suburban Dad could do our champion type of shout outs. Now or tomorrow? Today.

Yeah, great. Yeah, Gemma Rose. Yeah, cheers, Dad. We were actually going to call our daughter Gemma, which we thought was really nice, but we ended up calling her after the missos, bloody mum. So fucking see you later. Have a good day, Maureen. Hayden van der Muelen.

Clara Caston. Thank you so much, mate. Hannah Green. Yeah, I'm agreeing as well. That's a good choice. Lauren McIntosh. Yeah, good one. Marie Louise Rosencrantz.

Yeah, another Rose. They're related, do you think? Yeah, probably. Katie Burton. Ethan. No last name. Smitho. We'll call him. Ethan Smitho. Jacob

Wernsberger. Oh, I'd love a bloody burger. Erin Fandre. Yeah, Deanne Doak and Nadine Conrad. Yeah, two first names. That's a bit interesting, isn't it? Cheers, Nadine. It takes me no time to get into character.'ve noticed which is my favorite part about it because you don't like the foreplay you just like straight into it

things you can say at the tennis and also in the bedroom just hit it in already um so i would like to talk about how i uh tried to buy my boyfriend a lovely cutesy gift and it backfired. Juice was not worth the squeeze. And I would like for everybody to think about a time when they just wished that they hadn't committed to a joke. And then it went too far in terms and not too far as in like offended someone, but too far as in like, just cut it off at the knees.

Like, I just don't want to think about this anymore. I put 15 hours into this for a. Yeah, pretty much. So any keen listener would probably know that Torbz's birthday was, so my partner, we've been together for nine years, doing it for nine, together for eight, I think. Is that right? Have you upgraded?

You've added an extra year. Oh, actually, literally like next week I think will be an extra year. Yeah. Oh, my God. Is that our anniversary next week. Fucking hell. I can't buy another present. Hang on.

Does that mean you've been doing it for 10 together for nine? No. Doing it for nine together for eight. Must be. Must be that. Who can keep up? Who can keep up? Anyway, so we've been together for a long time, and his birthday was over a month ago now.

together for a long time and his birthday was over a month ago now. And earlier this year, his favourite deodorant was discontinued. Yes, I do recall. Yeah. So I don't know why and I don't know if it's like because of COVID, like maybe there's just no ingredients to make it or something. In Australia or just anywhere? I couldn't find it anywhere in Australia. Like at Coles and Woolworths and stuff, it was all still on the website

but not. Just sold out and can't get it. And so I was like trying to figure out whether they'd actually like, maybe it got cancelled because it was like fucking poisonous or something. Yeah. But I ended up looking online and I was like, fuck, I just really want to buy a mist deodorant because it used to look in the aisle every time we went to Coles. I was like, we can I just really want to buy a mist deodorant because he used to look in the aisle every time we went to Coles.

I was like, we can't fucking find it. I found it online at this weird, like, so the shop is called like Herbs Plus or something. Sounds like a front. From America. Right. Okay. And they had this deodorant in stock.

So it's Old Spice original deodorant in like the red tube and the deodorant's like green. Do they not sell that anymore? No, you can't get it anymore. It's a classic. And he's been wearing that deodorant the whole time I've known him and long before. And do you associate that smell with the love of your life?

Yes. Do you smell that and you go, oh, it's tall. Yeah, because it smells like Cinnamon Scrolls. The first time I ever met him, I was like, you smell like Cinnamon Scrolls. He's like, yeah, that's Old Spice. And I was like oh bit of me you smell like carbs delicious anyway so i was like oh wouldn't it be cute is if as like a little add-on to his birthday present i ordered him some deodorant the shipping costs were so exorbitant don't talk to me about shipping costs oh sorry

mate yeah too soon, mate. I should have asked you for advice, actually. You probably could have gotten me a good deal. But so I was like, okay, to make this worth it, I'm going to buy a lot of deodorant. Because the shipping per, like, it's probably the same to get ten times the amount of stuff, right? Yeah, exactly.

If we go into all the hassle. Exactly. And I was like, all right. So this was, like all the hassle. Exactly. And I was like, all right. So this was like in June. So his birthday is the 3rd of August and this was June. So I was like, I know I've got two months for this to come. Surely that's enough. Yeah, surely.

What month has it just started? It's September now. Okay. And how has he been enjoying the last few months of Old Spice? So in June, I ordered 20 sticks of deodorant. Fuck righto. Would you call that a lifetime supply? Well, I asked Torbs if he, eventually I was like, oh, do you reckon that's a lifetime? He's like, yeah, maybe like three or four years. I was like, are you going to die in three or four years? Do you know what lifetime means, bro? Yeah. What do you think that happens? Anyway, so I ordered all this deodorant. It

ended up being like $70. The shipping was a hundred. So by this point, I'm like, fuck, this gag gift is like getting, you know, it's getting a bit silly. Yeah. It's getting a bit silly, but that's what I like that in a joke. I like when it's so silly and so ridiculous that it's just like gone completely over the top. So anyway, I paid for expedited shipping so it would definitely come. So that was the $100 and it was like, but I was like, you can't track it or anything so I just had to wait for it to come.

Torbz's birthday comes and goes and I had to do that really embarrassing thing of going, oh, something's coming. It's in the post. It's the worst when you have to do that. Because I've done it when it's been a lie. Yep, I'm going to say it. I've said to someone, yo, I've got something coming, but it's in the post.

But it hasn't been in the post. You accused me of that with your Christmas present last year. Yep. When I said, oh, they're just getting it ready. Yeah, and you actually, but you hadn't because the expiry date on the thing was like the 1st of January. Yeah. They've got this thing where it expires after 54 weeks. Yeah.

I don't think so. Anyway, so I didn't tell him about it. Didn't tell him what it was. But then about a week after his birthday, I was like, fuck, what am I going to do? I'm going to have to email these people. And I discovered in my emails that I actually had a tracking number. And the thing had-

You could have been following it this whole time. If you were Torbs, you would know exactly where it was. Exactly. What an internet shipping faux pas. Yeah. It had gone from Seacaucus, New Jersey, to a bunch of places in Fallcroft, Pennsylvania, back to Seacaucus, New Jersey to a bunch of places in Fallcroft, Pennsylvania, back to Seacaucus, New Jersey, and dipped in and out around a bunch of places around there.

And then just after his birthday, it had finally arrived in Sydney. Oh, great. Yeah. Across the Pacific. So I was like, oh my God, it's going to be here any day. Once it gets to Sydney. Yeah, sure. Any fucking day now.

Like it'll just come on down to Melbourne and we'll be fine. Anyway, I was checking it religiously and then like another full week passed and it hadn't moved. And then I checked it one morning and it had gone back to New Jersey. And I was like, oh my. The Old Spice has been to the U.S. more than you. But I'm like, oh, my God. Obviously it's gone to Australian customs and they're like,

who orders 20 sticks of deodorant? It's obviously full of heroin and they've like sent it straight back. That's a logical conclusion. Well, that makes sense, right? I've watched a lot of border security. Like I know what they do. Yeah, you know what they do. And also they go, oh, this seems maybe like a commercial supply.

Like am I reselling it? What's the tax code? What's the import stuff? Exactly. Do you have a chief shipping officer? Oh, I should have referred them on to you. Anyway, so it got sent back to New Jersey and I was like, fuck, it's just like there's no way it's going to come now.

I'd emailed the people. They hadn't gotten back to me. I'm telling Torbs it's any day now. And then I'm like, fuck. So have you said there's a present still coming or have you told him exactly what it is? No. So I just kept telling him like, look, it's still coming. It's in Sydney.

Hopefully it's coming. So he's probably, what's he thinking? Yeah, like the build up. Because he's like, fuck, you've ordered this thing from America. Is it a custom designed guitar or keyboard? He's a music dude. Yeah. And she bought us a boat.

And it's literally like sailing down. You're sailing down. It's boat one of one, handcrafted. So like two weeks after that, so it's about three weeks after his birthday, I finally caved. And I was like, mate, like, so I've ordered you this thing. It's gone back to New Jersey. I can't get in contact with the people.

I'm pretty sure it's been rejected at customs. I'm really sorry. Do you want me to tell you what it is? And he was like, oh, no. Like, he's trying to still be excited about the surprise. Hang on a second. The way you said that was way too, how do you, like, perform it as if you said it, how you said it to him?

Oh, fucking hell. Like, I'm still waiting for this fucking thing to come. I don't think it's coming, dude. Like it's been fucking three months almost. It's not fucking, like do you want me to just fucking tell you what it is? That sounds more like the Tony Lodge I know. That's what happened. Okay.

And he goes, no. So he's trying to be upbeat to try and like make me feel pumped about the gift. And he's like, no, no, no, don't tell. And I was like, I ordered you 20 sticks of the deodorant that's been discontinued. And he started to smirk and he was like, that's hilarious. Thank you. And I was like, thank you.

Finally the payoff for this punchline I ordered three months ago is finally come. So hang on, did he laugh or did he just say, that's hilarious? So he went, that's hilarious. And then I was like, I'm so sorry. I really, like, wanted to surprise you. I thought it would just be so funny and now it's not coming. And he was like, no, that is very funny.

And he laughed. And he was like, and that's very, very sweet. Like, you've obviously gone to all this effort to buy this, like, stupid little thing that I wanted. If it had arrived the next day and was easy to get, would it be less of a gift? You know what I mean? Well, then there's a buzz at the door the next day. No.

And this crumpled up fucked box that's been opened and re-taped about 75 times. It's got a million Qantas frequent flyer points. Yeah, and it's fucking been stamped all over the world. It's been to fucking Antarctica. It's been all over the place. And Torbs brings it upstairs and he's like, is this it? And I was like, it better fucking not be. I'm looking at the tracking.

It still says it's in New Jersey. Right. So there's no way that that's what it is. And it was. Why are you fucked off about this? Because I fucked my own punchline. Like, so there's no way that that's what it is. And it was. Why are you fucked off about this? Because I fucked my own punchline. Oh, right. Because in the end. A day before you've ruined it.

I was like, there's no fucking way it's coming. And then it ends up coming. And, like, he's really happy about it and it's, like, so funny. And I was like, the joke has, like, fully backfired. He was supposed to be, like, so sweet and innocent and just, like, cutesy and just, like like part of his birthday. So after a three-month build-up, after all the anxiety and the stress and then you telling him, was this like what happens?

He gets it and goes, oh, yeah, it's the old spice. Yeah, it's that deodorant you ordered. You're right though. Yeah, that is quite funny. Thanks. Yeah, I've got to jump on a call for work. Like, you know, he's like so disinterested in the thing because it's like being this whole me being like, oh, something's coming.

Like, something's coming. So I fucked the surprise about where we were going out for dinner. You did fuck that up. And then I fucked this up because I was like, well, there's just no way it's coming. It's gone back to America. So is there, okay, besides Torb's getting the great gift and the great surprise and the hilarity, is it now a gift for you because you've got that sweet cinnamon-smelling man back in your house?

Yeah. So it was a bit selfish, wasn't it? It was self-serving. Not selfish, but just like you don't hate it. Because I was like, I get something out of this as well. And how did, I mean, sure, they didn't go as hilarious as, but what's it been like? It is nice having my carby boyfriend back in the house, yeah.

It was worth the ordeal, the three-month ordeal. I just could not believe. That's so fucked. That's so annoying. And then after I fucked it, then I'm like, ah, didn't have to do that to myself. And if there's one thing I do know after hearing this story, that if between the two of us someone's had a rough time dealing with shipping,

it's Tony Lodge and I feel so sorry for you that you've spent so many seconds and minutes on shipping. I could only imagine. I'm sorry. No, you're right. That I also have a struggle alongside yours. Yeah, we can have multiple. We're all facing silent battles, mate.

Yeah, it's not exclusive. No. Shipping struggle is not exclusive to me and I will not gatekeep. But, mate, if you want all of that, next time I order something online, I'll just send you the website and you can deal with it for me. How's that? Nah, in recollection, I feel for you, bro. Yeah, thank you.

But stick at it. Yeah. And then also now there is the obvious struggle of like having to store 20 huge sticks of deodorant. Where are you going to put those? I don't know. We've got no storage in our house. Yeah, because the laundry is sort of like a Euro laundry.

Yeah, it's like part of the bathroom. Do you have like a linen cupboard? We do, but I'm worried that everything's going to smell like old spice. Yeah. Yeah, it's like part of the bathroom. Do you have like a linen cupboard? We do, but I'm worried that everything's going to smell like old spuds. Cinnamon, yeah. Yeah. You know, I can really take over a household. Yeah. Especially an apartment like yours.

You'll have to get a little table put out in the courtyard. Oh, and pop it outside. Outside, yeah. Because it's the only room that we've got in the house. There's no storage out there. And then when John the Cat comes over, he'll go back smelling a million bucks when he goes back to his house. I've got to love house. There's no storage out there. And then when John the Cat comes over, he'll go back smelling a million bucks when he goes back to his house. I've got to love to see it.

Great. This is from Kerry. Hi, Kerry. Who's tweeted. I think she's like a three or four-year-old or something. Uh-huh. And you know how kids love police officers and firemen and stuff? Yes.

Yeah. My kid is pretending to be a police officer. Oh, that's quite cute. She literally thinks being under arrest means, like, you need a rest. As in, like, you need a nap. Like, oh, she's a bit tired. Better put her under arrest so she can, like, have a nap. Is that adorable?

That is so sweet. She thinks people go to prison for a nap. Oh, they've had a rough trip. They're a bit tired. Let's put them in this prison. And she thinks it's like a hotel. You know, let's pop him up in there for a nap. Oh, they've had a rough trip. They're a bit tired. Let's put them in this prison. And she thinks it's like a hotel. You know, let's pop him up in there for three months just so he can rest up, so he can come back feeling better.

She said, as the fugitive in this scenario and as obviously the mother of a young child, I'm quite happily being arrested daily. Imagine that, mummy, you're under arrest. And she goes, all right, sweetheart. Don't have to tell me twice. Yeah, organise your own dinner. I'll be in there under arrest.

Oh, that was so sweet. I love to see that. Oh, that is so fucking lovely. I wish that My You Love To See It was better. What is it? My You Love To See It. Is it Old Spice? No.

Well, I actually wanted to say You Love To See It. Is it Old Spice? No. Well, I actually wanted to say You Love To See It about every single person who has tagged us and sent us a photo of them with their water bottle. Thank you. I actually cannot keep up. There are thousands of DMs rolling in and posts in our Facebook group of people with their water bottles. Loving it. It is so fucking cool.

Honestly, I'm lost for words. And it just brings me back every time to thinking this one day we said, should we start a podcast? We went, fuck it, let's do it. Yeah, that was a direct quote from Tony, by the way. And we fucking did it. And now all these people all around the world are loving these drink bottles and you made it happen, mate, because you've been the chief shipping officer. And after my perils with shipping of late,

I'd just like to say a huge thank you because you made this, like you did everything. Are you taking the piss? No, I'm actually not. I wanted to say something really nice. Because after my shitty behaviour a few minutes ago, I feel like this is a piss take. No, it's not. See, it's what I wrote down. Well, now I feel bad. No, don't feel bad. For mocking your old Spice shipping words.

Mate, no, that's okay. But I just wanted to say you love to see it because I know that you love this pod. Yep. And you love the tapas more than anything except for BJ. And it makes me feel really, really happy that I'm doing this with you, but also that people are loving their water bottles and asking for more merch. Yeah. We have to get our skates on.

Speaking of you love to see it, I love that no one told you or your finance team that I refunded all their import taxes out of your account. So, I mean, I'm glad that you're cool with that and I'm glad we're all happy. You know what? I love to see me play my part. Yeah.

I'm happy to do that. Yeah, great. I can do anything if it's just paying for something. That's what we've learned. Tony, you can deal with this or we can just pay it back. Fucking give them the cash. Just give them the money. All right.

Thanks so much for listening. We'll chat to you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.