Toni and Ryan - Popcorn, Spew, And Sperm

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

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the Mbuie now. Go to audible.ca slash sacrilege that's S A C R I L E G E. I want to come in Tony's box. Oh wait, sorry. No, I think we've got the wrong number. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Um, it's the tax office. Natalie and everyone. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Natalie, lovely to hear from you and you chatting about box. It's my favorite thing about you. How have you been? Yeah.

Always. Always. Um, now do you approve today's podcast? Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. I mean, it'd be a real shame if you didn't after you wanted to come in my box.

Yeah. It's like, are we anything? Well, I mean, I will eat anything, but you know, a special characteristic on Tony's box. I mean. Hi, and I needed to hear that today. I mean, now I'm in trouble too. Yeah.

Yeah. That's insane. Well, I mean, I personally believe that the box is even better after a rough week. Oh. Fuck me. You obviously work at a Charlie Post. Well, that's what I'm trying.

I'm seriously trying. I mean I'm trying everything I got. And you're killing it. You're absolutely killing it. This is Natalie in Olympia, Washington and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the show. Tony just said she wants a fancy sandwich, which is called Croque Monsieur. Georgia yelled out, that doesn't sound like English. And then Tony in the smugest way you've ever heard says, It's French.

It is French. Yeah. But what you left out is that me, Sophie and Lily all went, it's French at the same time, which is even worse. Sorry, everyone. I've been to France, so sorry. Sophie fucked a French guy for a while. In France?

And he gave her a French book and it's like something that she's like, Oh yeah, my French boyfriend gave it to me. Is that true? So I'm like, did I? Okay. I feel like it's been long enough. Can you just confirm? Is that true? Uh, yeah, true. Like she answers in French. He worked at, um, the Cannes Film Festival, which is where I met him. Oh, okay. That's also where Sophie met Harry Styles. Yeah.

That's not, is that true? Did I? No, I don't think I met Harry Styles. So the thing about your life, Sophie, is that you were the one who was there. So when you are- You keep telling me they think Harry Styles. So when you asked Tony if that's true- Harry Styles.

Wasn't there like a boy who- He's from One Direction. You got there. The question isn't whether you did it, who is that? No, wasn't there some like hottie boy who you like had to seat them or you got like- That was Childish Gambino. No, no, no, she fucked Childish Gambino.

That was that big day out. He, no I didn't. So jealous of that by the way. Yeah. No, no, he said to the French- He's my number one hall pass. Yeah. Absolutely. The French boy, when he sent me

Les Changers by Albert Camus. Oh! French. French. He also sent me Ryan Gosling's accreditation badge. That's what I'm thinking of. That's what you're thinking of. Because Harry Styles is the modern day Ryan Gosling.

And yeah. Everyone's saying that. Yeah, that's what's, yeah. Yeah. God, that's the end. These are top confessions. Please send through your confessions, tonyandryan.com.au.

Frustratingly anonymous. Frustratingly anonymous. There is a submit your stories tab. So if you have a normal or a confession or just a wild title you want to share with the tarfer, send it through. Or you love to see it. If something amazing has happened to you or you've started send it through. Or you love to see it. Yep.

If something amazing has happened to you or you've started the fucking blog, we'd love to hear it. Also on our website, there is a about tab and there is a bio about Tony Lodge. Yep. There's a bio about Ryan John. Correct. And then there is a bio about every single person on our team. Not these guys.

No. The 700 tarpas that have submitted their job and what they do for the Tony and Ryan team. If you would like to be part of our team, not a paid position, if you would like to be part of our team though, you can be on our website. You submit a little photo, you tell us where you're from and you like pick your job with us. Yeah, I think we've got a court sonographer I saw on the weekend.

So we've got a Tony and Ryan court sonographer, we've got a court stenographer I saw on the weekend. So we've got a Tony Ryan court stenographer, we've got a Tony Ryan Lorax. Yep. We've got Tony and Ryan therapy dogs. Like there's a lot of people that have submitted their pets, but everyone's photo is there. It's really fun. Are we blurring the lines of what LinkedIn is about if we do a post going, welcoming our new 700 employees? I love it.

Yeah. And also what's LinkedIn really about? Yeah. Who gives a fuck? We actually get to decide. Yep. I swear on LinkedIn, people love it. Yeah.

It like really gets the corporate people like, wow. Are we allowed to do that here? Yeah. Yeah. These are top confessions. I swore on LinkedIn once. That's the confession. Yeah.

It's French. You actually can't call it LinkedIn unless you're from the small French town of LinkedIn. Otherwise you're just a champagne c***. What's that thing? Yeah. Sparkling c*** unless you're from the town of Wanker. Yeah. What's the one that's like, someone sent one to us and it was like, Torbz isn't Tony's fiance unless... Yeah, he's a sparkling pre-husband. Yeah, he's a Brosecco. Brosecco. Yeah.

Great. Anyway. Fuck you, Charles. We have fun. We have fun. Could we do a confession? I caught my cheating ex. In a...

Do you know what I just pictured? I caught him like in a net. Who's a net? But like, oh, gotcha. I was dating a narcissistic man and after catching him cheating on me, I left him and sought revenge.

He had a few burner social media accounts and was a bit of an anonymous dick. You know, just getting up in the comment sections and just rolling. An anonymous dick. Yeah. Have you seen that Facebook group and it's like, are we dating the same guy, Melbourne, Australia? And like, are we dating the same guy, Dunedin, New Zealand and stuff? Like there's like all these ones. Yeah. I saw a guy from my high school on one of those and I was like, oh, don't hook up with this guy.

He's a fuckhead. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I know that guy. He played cricket. Oh, so yes. Rich though, probably. No. Well playing cricket is like? Like the top end. Oh, so is there like a mid-level cricket? So you know when you drive on the weekend and there's like people playing cricket? No. Genuinely no.

Oh, like for fun, like out of barbecue. Well, no, they're not getting paid. Well, yeah, so there's the two ends of the spectrum and there's a lot in between. But like tennis, you know? More so than cricket. Oh. The top point, zero, zero, zero, zero, one percent of tennis players make a good living. Oh. Yeah. That's crazy. So random tennis chat. Yeah. There's this guy who was, he was the same age as me, but

he went to college to play tennis. Sure. And then he went pro. That's cool. Were you guys friends because you're both Australian? Or was it like stay out of my territory? Because I'm the Aussie here. I didn't know him that well, but it was just like you just have like a similar interest in how the different sports works. And then he goes on to play professionally. And I think he earned like two,000 in his first year.

Whoa. No, well, cause everyone says, well, and he goes, yeah, but you're on the world tour. It costs about 200,000. Oh, next week we're playing in Paris. Well, I got to fly there. I got to stay in a hotel there. I got to string my own rackets. I got to buy my own shoes. I just assumed. No. So they're like, I think most people would assume that you get paid for. Yeah. So he's like, so 200,000 is sort of breaking even and that's staying in a motel with some

other players sharing a bunk room because you're all like, Oh, you're a young guy. You're like, Hey, let's just split a room. It's cheaper. Yeah, totally. And so he's on 200 grand a year and he doesn't make any money. Shit. Yeah. So is that where like a sponsorship would come in or whatever that you aren't then it's not just prize money, but you're getting maybe a consistent amount of money or at least clothes or shoes from like Nike or something. Yeah. And then the prize money like is a real steep arc. So once you start winning it can change pretty quick. Sure.

But he was the greatest luxury was once he moved to the next tier, he like could pay a guy 20 bucks to restring his racket because he used to like stay up and like do it himself. And you think of a guy earning a couple of hundred thousand dollars a year being on a top bunk in a motel in suburban wherever wherever. Stringing his own racket. Catching the train to the French open. Yeah. Charles de Gaulle. No, that's the airport.

Roland Garros. There he goes. Fuck yeah. Come on. That's right. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What did he play fucking 30 years ago? It's Roland Garros. You're thinking of Martin Garrix, the DJ. Oh, I celebrated so hard. Oh. I celebrated real hard on that.

Yeah, we know. Yeah, that's crazy. That's good, though. They play on clay in France. They do. At Martin Garrix Arena. Yeah. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. That's good though. They play on clay in France. At Martin Garrix Arena. I was dating a narcissistic man and after catching him cheating on me, I left him and sought revenge. He had a few burner social media accounts, bit of an anonymous troll, and didn't play tennis professionally.

What a loser! I hate people that don't play tennis professionally. What a loser. I hate people that don't play tennis professionally. I'm pretty good at tennis. I emailed his company. Emailed his company, like where he worked. Yeah. I took screenshots, attached links, provided evidence that it was him and cited his company's social media policies and within a few days I could no longer find him on his company's website or on LinkedIn turns out they fired him on the spot and he's gone to ground fuck around with me find out motherfucker oh my god love you guys

I've been a silent supporter from the start your podcasters been the comedic relief that has got me through this breakup thank you you're welcome yeah Oh my God. Love you guys. I've been a silent supporter from the start. Your podcast has been the comedic relief that has got me through this breakup. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah.

I wonder like, morally right? A little bit of like ethical chat. When you, someone you know, or like say it's someone you follow on Instagram, and then you're looking at like a random post and someone you follows commented on it, it comes up like at the top. Yeah.

I had this guy I went to uni with, followed him back in the day and like he hadn't popped up for me and I just maybe doesn't, you know. And then like he was commenting on stuff like kind of being a dick and I was like Oh, and I just like unfollowed him because I was like fuck you like I don't need to say that shit and like that's just Really fucked and with this right you kind of you hear people being I'm gonna send it to the Their employer and stuff like this is a bit different because I had a personal relationship. Yeah, but like

What do you do? Do you just unfollow or do you reply and go, hey, don't forget people can see this? Like, sometimes you just want to fucking light them up and just be like, hey, people will see what you're saying. This is my number five rule of life. I've just thought of it. OK. So what's number one again?

Never comment on someone being pregnant unless you can physically see the baby coming out. And even then Shut up help. Don't just say are you pregnant? Yeah, there's a baby's head sticking out of my books. Yeah Number two was never eat the food at an orgy correct number three Number four is I've never complained about anything in my life. Redacted. What was number three?

Always lie. Number five. Number five. If anyone knows number three, comment on today's episode thread. Sometimes you just gotta let **** be ****. Because I ain't Mother Teresa. Am I just taking that on? Totally.

That's rule number three. Don't take it on. Thank you. Because then if you have a chat with this guy, then do you have to chat to his shitmates? Yeah. And then you have to chat to that. Like there's so many fuckheads on the internet.

Where does it start? Yeah, and I think it's different if you're having a conversation with someone and someone said, and you go go, oh that was an inside thought Yeah, can't believe you said that one out loud That's a bit different. But yeah, like seeing a shitty comment. I was just like fuck Do you not know that people see this shit? Are you just like the biggest DCI ever? Probably. Yes, Charles. So I've just asked AI what Brian's five rules of life are

Oh! And it's actually told me This will be good. Rule number one, never ask a woman if she's pregnant. Rule number two, don't ask and help instead. Oh, that's 1.5. That's 1.5. That's 1.5.

It does say 1.5 actually. I just- Okay, yep. Hey, that's great. Rule two, it says fill up a friend's car if you borrow. Oh, that's it. Yeah, because I borrowed Rachel's car for the trailer. Rule three, don't eat the food in an orgy. Thank you. Rule four, don't bag it until you've's it. Yeah. Cause I borrowed Rachel's car for the trailer. Rule three, don't eat the food in an orgy.

Thank you. Rule four, don't bag it until you've tried it. And number five, let big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, This is from a tarpa and I actually in advance and say thank you so much for sharing this with us. Oh, thank you. Anonymous tarpa. Tony Ryan podcast. I'm a single asexual lesbian and I'm trying to get pregnant.

This isn't a spicy confession or a shocking one, but it's a secret to me and I just needed to tell someone so I feel like I can trust Tony and Ryan and the tarp community. Absolutely. I live alone. I have no interest in a relationship and this year I've started trying to get pregnant. How amazing. I'm doing- That actually just gave me like full body chills.

Yeah. I've been doing at home artificial insemination, working with a therapist and a midwife and it's been pretty terrifying but also exciting. Absolutely. Now I'm probably gonna laugh a little bit at this next bit and it's not in bad intentions, but it's just, it's just the logistics of it. It's a bit like childish. A friend of a friend is going to be the sperm donor. So once a month when

I'm ovulating, he, Ryan, I know he comes over to the house, he jerks off into a bowl, and then I use the turkey baster to insert it. I'm so sorry. Like, you know. Yeah. Sorry. Fuck it, Al. No, but visually, is that, do you think it's the same bowl that's also the popcorn in the spew bowl?

Like, popcorn spew, cum. Yeah, that brown wooden. It is quite literally a catchall. Yeah. And by all. Yeah. I think that the popcorn companies are unto us cause now they cum in a box.

Wow. Oh! Because of her circumstances, that's actually the one way she's not doing it. Yeah, no, that's, that's actually the one way she's not doing it. Yeah, no, that's... It's actually so fair. So I've just had to take a lap there, all good.

So the friend of the friend's been like coming around a bit, and her friend... Sorry, sorry. And she said, oh, we have to make up some story because you're like a friend of a friend and you're coming around a fair bit, like what do we tell everyone? Oh, I don't think you have to tell anyone anything. No, so they've said, oh, we're in a book club. And the confessor has said, it actually seems more strange that we're in a book club. And it's just the two of us. Yeah, she's like, and so we kind of laugh about that.

Oh, did you read the book? Yeah. But they're like having a fun time and they're doing what they gotta do. I'm only 26 and it feels a little bit crazy doing this on my own, but my dad is unwell. And I can't imagine my dad not being a part of my child's life.

So she's a bit like, well now is the time. Yeah. And I think if you feel ready, and that's what you know that you want and in your life that's something you need, I love it. Absolutely. How wonderful that we live in a time where that's even like possible, like socially,

because back in the, like no fucking way. Could you, you know, you'd have to actually read the book. Yeah. Not just come in a bowl. And I've always said that. I'm excited to hopefully get pregnant. Me too. For you. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. For you. And I've always said that I'm excited to hopefully get pregnant me too Charles do you have a word like to say that starts with an RNN's in it adapted?

I wouldn't have thought so. I've got an IED Charles. Oh Jesus Christ. We are being so childish. I love that. This poor girl is pouring her heart out. This Tapa is going through this journey. That's amazing. Now this is where she understands it's funny as well. Okay. And maybe we can help. She's not asking for advice, but I reckon we should give it. I'm excited to hopefully get pregnant, but I'm also nervous about all the questions because traditionally,

Totally. Lesbians don't accidentally get pregnant. You know what I mean? Yeah, well remember when we went on Happy Wife, Happy Life? Yeah. And Kendall was saying that she went to the hospital and they were like, is there any chance you're pregnant? She's like, no. They're like, well, are you abstinent? She's like, well, like,

yeah, I only have sex with me. Like, it's actually not possible that I'm accidentally pregnant. Until Kendall mid show stared at my penis. Yeah. She'd never seen one before. Yeah. It was huge. The moment. The moment. The moment. Yeah.

Tiny moment. I'm sitting was huge. The moment. The moment. The moment. Yeah. Tiny moment. I'm sitting right here. Huge moment. Thank you. Just like a nice boyfriend size moment. Yeah, relationship dick. Yeah. Not too big, not too small, but it's like fucking just right. Yeah. Could be big, but like, oh, it's OK. But like, no, but it's a comforting cop. Thank you. So that's my confession. Wish me luck. And I do. The only thing is that because they're anonymous, do we, are we ever going to know when they

get pregnant? Are they going to announce that with us? I think it's up to them, but if they want to resubmit through the confession form and say, hey, it's me. Yeah. And don't be silly and do that on their behalf. Like don't be, oh, it's me. You know?

Maybe it's the guy. And he goes, well, whose bowl am I going to come in each month now? Maybe. Is it you? No, no. Did I tell you that when I was going to be a sperm donor? I think you have mentioned this on the pod or to you. No, to me privately.

So I was going to be a sperm. I guess with my parents background, the concept of we can't get pregnant like resonates with me quite strongly. You're so open to it. Yeah. And so I was like, well, what a nice way to like, I've had a good life, pay it forward to donate to me. And so there was a female couple in Perth. Was it people you knew, like friends of yours?

No, it was like this website and it was like, Oh, sure. You know, match.com. No, it was like, but it was some sort of like, it was literally they had a little profile and it was like, I'm we're two girls were married. Um, we're looking for it. I didn't do it. No, but when was he asking you on your sister's bar? I am. Yeah. In Perth, they did that online. They found like a spurt. So my sister and her partner,

they have a son. Um, and they did like, they like online and you make a profile. Am I your uncle? did like online they like online and you make a profile! We have to stop fucking... Yeah. Um, when, how old's the sun? This is actually gonna be fucked if it's around the same time. One of the great coincidence chats of our time. Hang on. Should we count down and say the year that... the conception would have happened?

Oh, hang on. Let me do the maths quickly. What year is it now? Oh, okay. Yep. So we're going to say the year that like the conception would have happened. Yep. Or the purchase would have been made.

Like the- Yeah. Because that's how it works. You buy it and then you have the sperm and you can then use it to get like the embryos made and whatever. That's how it works. Three, two, one. Twenty fifteen.

Oh, shit. I am a bit sad. Yeah. Imagine. I feel like I've just lost a family member. Like for a moment there, I was your sister's son's father. You were my nephew. No, I'm not the kid.

I'm the donor. Yeah, I'm the donor. I'm the donor. I'm the donor. I'm the donor. I'm the donor. I'm the donor. I'm the donor. I'm the donor. I'm so sorry. Like for a moment there, I was your sister's son's father. You were my nephew. No, I'm not the kid. I'm the donor.

Oh, yeah, you're my kid. You're not the kid. I'm the- Oh my God. I can't. Sorry. I'm like, you're the child. Yeah, I don't have sperm to birth myself.

He's too Six years old. Little baby. Yeah. Yeah, no, so sure. So what would you be? My brother-in-law donation. Your nephew's baby daddy. Yeah.

My nephew's biological father. Yeah. Yeah. So there's a website and there's two women in Perth and they said, you know, we're looking for a donor. And I was like, oh, don't have any like major hereditary disease. You know, there's kind of like, cause you want to like, what? Major hereditary disease. I'm so sorry I couldn't. I'm six foot tall, I'm healthy. I've got a huge cock. Yeah I've got a boyfriend dick. And I need to empty myself. Yeah and I need to empty my bag. Have I still got Mabel's backing? Yeah you wouldn't have taken that home yesterday. That's what it sounds like at the clinic.

I hope it doesn't. And at the bottom of the page it says, and this is just harrowing because I was on this website for the right reasons. It says the, what would you even call it, deposit. The collection of the sperm. Is done by a sperm sample and like a, you know. You don't get to fuck the people. It said you don't get to have a threesome with the lesbians.

Well, it doesn't obviously say that. I think it did. I actually think it did. Well, yeah, cause you just- And you're like- Cut that off at the beginning, like so that people don't then think that that's what it is. But the thing I thought was,

how many times does that happen for them to need to have to put it on the website? They might just be getting ahead of it, to be honest. I hope so. Because, oh. It's like, are you here for the sperm? It's like, what, depends where you're thinking. Oh, bleh.

In Perth as well, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Hi, this is Natalie in Olympia, Washington, and you guys are listening to Tony and Ryan. and deliver to your door. A well-marbled ribeye you ordered without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceriesas over at our Patreon. Thank you so much for being part of it. We can't do it without you. Nicole, thanks Nicole. Jenny Goodwin, Chloe Belf, Rosie York, Jordie and Adam. Oh, we'll let you off the hook for that.

Leash, good on ya, and Hannah. You about to, are you about, no. Bless you. Do you need an antihistamine? What I will, Do you want me to turn the heater off? What I will say is that just then you almost scared my sneeze away.

That's so nasty. Who did? You did, you went, no. When I will say is that just then you almost scared my sneeze away that's so nasty. Who did? You did you went no uh uh when I was gonna sneeze you what if you sneezed it away scared it away. Do you need a moment? No what if you scared my sneeze away that would have been so upsetting. I actually also didn't know you were about to sneeze. I thought you were in trouble, like something else had happened. So maybe he was just being concerned. I'm so sorry. I don't know what should have happened. Do you need a cup of tea? Do you need a special hot chocolate?

Stop trying to feed me alcohol. Um, Hannah Brogan, good on you, Han. Brogan, the big Brogues. Hopefully some of you guys will be joining us for our Tapathon 3. All the details are over at our Patreon or in the show notes as like links to check it all out. Do we need to take a moment?

I'm just gonna have some water. Yeah, no, you take a drink and we'll just, let's all like. I also lost a family member. You know, that was so tough. You just like, you know how we were. Yeah, you lost a family member. You know, that was so tough. You just like, you know how we were. Yeah, you lost a nephew. Well, you thought it was a nephew.

Yeah, I thought that you, that's weird that that's where I went too. Yeah. Let's draw a family tray of how that could be possible. You being my nephew? Mm. Yeah. Well, imagine if like someone in my family adopted you instead of like your

mum and dad. Sorry. Bad news. Okay. Sorry. Spermicide. But we wouldn't be like biological related so we could still. So true. Do a podcast. Oh, yeah. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Don't want to get on the wrong side of the law. Spermicide. Well, actually, this is not that far from that. Is that I love to make sourdough.

I hope that's far from that. Speaking of coming in bowls. Speaking of you and I being related, I love to make sourdough. Where's your semen? Well, no, we are related because is your sourdough still my sourdough? Oh yeah. Bridget gave me her starter, which is like your family's starter. And that's why it's very important to me that I don't kill it.

And so I've been, I just have been neglecting it because I haven't really had the time to actually make bread. You've been busy, mate. You're a CEO. You're running overseas. But also I just like haven't done it and I just wasn't feeding it and looking after it and whatever. It's like a fucking Tamagotchi. And then, so I've been really trying to like rehabilitate it. But once it gets like past a certain point, Salto chat, once it gets past a certain point, you kind of have to like feed it and refeed it and refeed it like every day for like a week or two. Because even if it gets active again,

it's like too sour. Yeah. Like it's too fermented and you can't like eat that yet. So it's like you've got to- So you're in the battlefield. Well, the last two weeks I've been like every day I'm like chipping it out, refeeding it, putting it into new jars, trying to keep it really clean. Like it's just been like really like meticulous and I've had to really remember it

every day. Anyway, I on Friday was like, you know what? I think it's ready, but I'm gonna have to make a loaf and test it. And I really didn't want it to fuck up. Cause I just was like, I actually really enjoy this as a hobby. I don't want it to die. And yeah, I can just come to Bridge and get some more. But I was like, nah, I'm gonna rehab this

and like keep it going. It's quite hearty because it is quite an old one. But anyway, I've been trying to rehab it. On Friday, I was like, you know what? I'm going to give it a go. I think it's ready. So I fed it one last time Saturday morning to get it really bubbly. And then I started making the loaf. I'd been fussing over it and that's probably the worst thing you can do. I'm touching it because I was like, oh, is it like rising the way that it normally does? And I'm like, it's been so long.

I don't really remember what it's supposed to look like or whatever. Anyway, I'd been fussing over it, looking at it all day, and then it hadn't really risen as quickly as it normally does. I was like, fuck, I've, and it takes a long time. So I was like, fuck, have I burned? I've spent my whole fucking Saturday on this.

I've spent the whole day like, every 30 minutes a fucking time was going off so I could do my stretching pulls and fuck all this stuff anyway at nighttime I was gonna kind of shape it and put it into the fridge so that I could bake it next morning but it just hadn't risen enough to get to that point I was like oh if I leave it overnight though, it's probably gonna over rise. And I was like, fuck, but then I was like, you know what, it doesn't really matter. I mean a bit of limbo and I'm like, I'm just gonna have to, you know,

I just risk it and I left it on the bench and I was like, I'll just leave it rise. This is like so random, but our power has been going out heaps. Same. Has it? What's going on? I don't know, but we've had heaps of like

random power outages and they only last like a minute or two. Is it cause it's been like how fucking windy and shit falling on power lines and doing stuff or? Maybe, I actually don't really know because it's like, feels like something that happened a lot as a kid. Yeah. But then now when the power goes out, I'm like, how random?

Oh, so it's like baggy jeans. It's like, it's back. It's back in fashion. But because all of our, in our house, all of our bulbs are smart bulbs. So because of that, we like turn the lights on and off in the app, but the switches are always on. Yes, gotcha, gotcha. But when the power goes out,

and then comes back on, all the lights are at full piss. Yeah, but yeah. There's a setting for that. Oh, amazing. Okay, let's talk about that after this because it really fucked my Saturday night. Anyway, so we're like, we're laying in bed

and all of a sudden it's like fucking Christmas day. And it's like, every light in the house is on, out in the living room, in our bedroom, in the bathroom, just every fucking light is at full pierce, like 100% white light. So it's not even a nice like, cause we always have ours set to like a warm, nice tone. A warm glow for an evening cup of tea. It's just like a real relaxing light. It doesn't come back on that way.

It's like you're in a surgery. It, 1000% very clinical. Anyway, so the fucking power goes off obviously and comes back on all the lights are at full peace and Torb's goes, oh, fucking hell, I'll go get them. Gets up and goes out and just flicks them all off at the switch so that like he didn't have fuck around on his phone or whatever. I'm like dead asleep. As soon as he gets up, I'm and just flicks them all off at the switch so that like he didn't have to fuck around on his phone or whatever.

I'm like dead asleep. As soon as he gets up, I'm like fucking out to it. Anyway, I wake up in the morning and I'm like, fuck, I've got to go check on my bread. Yeah. And I was like, where is my bread? It wasn't on the bench. And I was like, what the fuck happened?

And Torbz goes, what? And I was like, what the fuck happened? And Torbz goes, what? And I was like, what the fuck's my bread? Like I've been thinking about it all night. Like what's going on? And he goes, are you doing a bit? And I was just like, what are you talking about? I had gone back to sleep and then like sleepwalked, gotten up, turned the bread out and

like set it and put it in the Benetton so that it was a Benetton or whatever it's fucking called, shaped it, put it in the thing, put it in the fridge and it was like ready for me to bake on Sunday morning. Your sleep baking. But I did that in my sleep. So I thought he got up and then I just like fucking sleep, like went back to sleep. But he was like, no, you came out here and said,

I've got to check on my bread. And he said, I watched you put the rice flour on the bench, turn it all out. While he's doing the life. Well, he said he was just standing there like, okay, are you right sweetie? And I went, just gonna do my bread. And he went, okay.

Like, I don't think he really realized. Anyway, I've riced- And so you got no fucking memory of this. No memory whatsoever. And he's like, you obviously remember. And I was like, hand on heart. Like, so I've done the rice flour, I've turned it all out, I've shaped it,

and I've put it into the thing, put a tea towel over it, and put've done the rice flour. I've turned it all out I've shaped it and I've put it into the thing put a tea towel over and put it in the fucking fridge Like 3 a.m. Or something. What the fuck? Like actually like demonic Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question Yeah And I don't know if you're gonna be able to answer it But I think because we're friends and we're all you know, we all get along and we all respect each other

Well you are my nephew. Yeah. Yeah. Is there a chance over the last 31 years? Yeah. That you've just like killed a guy in the night? Now I'm questioning it. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Because you know how sometimes in your area there's been a few like late night fucking- Oh don't. You know? But maybe. And then you're in the group chat the next day, like not lying because you don't know. Oh my god what's happened? And then you're in the group chat with the neighbours going, oh yeah I've heard...

Innocent as anything. There was someone running down the street and they did this thing and you're like, oh my god crazy I might have to buy a new gate. No I did not have... yeah Sophie. Was it you that smoked a cigarette in my car? It might have been. I took your CDs. Maybe you bought a new gate to keep you out. Keep me in. But now you're on the inside.

It was me. I was trying to steal my own car three separate times. Fuck dude. Isn't that wild? But anyways, I've woken up, I don't know memory of it and I've washed my hands because I don't have any flour or any goo on my hands or anything. You're a clean person. Awake or unconscious. You are a clean person. Thank you. And then in the morning I was like well I'd better just give it a go

and it turned out perfect. There you go. But the bread was like awesome. Well if you had have left it too late it would have over-over-thing-o. That was obviously what I was thinking because I was just like oh thanks for getting the lights, like, and then I just fell back to sleep. How many times do you reckon you just jerked Torbz off in the night and not remembered? I think that I would wake up for that. No, that's harder than bacon bread, pun intended. Put a bun in my oven in the night. No, but yeah, isn't that crazy? That's fucking insane. Yeah. And Torbz was like, do you actually not remember? And I was like, genuinely have no memory of this. Don't they say? And I think Torbz has done a good job here. He's like, when-

You shouldn't wake us up. Yeah. Cause that like fucks him right up. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen step brothers. Yeah. And so if- The clown has no penis. So when he sees you and he sees you going I'm just doing the fucking bread he's like okay well yep as long as you're not. Well I think he just thought I was like half as in like fuck you know what I better if I'm already up I might as well check it. Do you remember what you said to Charles and I when you came out at the Airbnb in the middle of the night in Toronto? I know that this didn't happen but I'm looking forward to the joke. It wasn't a joke.

That, no, you say you don't. No, did that actually happen? Yeah. Charles don't lie. Oh, so you're nervous now. Sorry. Yeah. What do I do? You're fiddling with stuff. What do I do?

No, it's not. It's, you know, what's that saying? Ignorance is bliss. What did I say, Charles? It wasn't what you said. It's what I showed you. I walked out, flushed you guys, and walked back into the, no wonder you guys wanted to get another Airbnb.

You're like, let's not do hotels anymore, eh? I didn't know they had white pointers here in Toronto. What? Did you just call boobs white pointers? I think so, and I regret it. I don't know, two sharks? What? What? What's a white pointer?

A shark. Are they? That's not what I thought I was saying. Look at my kettles. Chugs. Yeah, no, that's very clever. Boobs. Yeah.

I've got to love to see it here from Nicole, who has started the fucking blog. Nicole said, I used to be in the film and TV industry, loved my job as a cinematographer, but in the last few years in LA, like the industry's kind of, it's changed a lot. And then after the strike, like they do so much stuff overseas.

And she's like, so it's just really hard to find work. And she was like, but for a bit of fun and like kind of feel good energy, she's been volunteering at for a bit of fun and like kind of feel good energy, she's been volunteering at the guide dogs of America. Sick. Like helping with the puppies and doing the thing. And she's like, and then they posted that they needed a social media and marketing person.

And she's like, I've never done that before, but I love working at the organization. Like I'll put my hat in the ring. She's like, I did one interview and they saw my willingness to work hard and whatever. And last week, she officially marked her 90 day probation and she's officially official as the Guide Dogs of America's new social media and marketing associate.

That's huge. Huge. And Nicole says, PS, if you wanna see the cutest puppy content, who doesn't, please feel free to check out at guide dogs of America on TikTok, Insta or Facebook. And like that's our girl Nicole, our top Nicole is making all that stuff that's going up on those channels. Guide dogs of America.

Yeah. Guide dogs of America. Yeah. So cute. Come for the dog, stay for the mission. Isn't that so cute? We provide services across the US and Canada at no cost to the recipient.

They're copping a follow from me. I also love the like TLC, Tender Loving K9s. K9s? Isn't that so cute? Yeah, that is sweet. So they're at like 30,000 and I was chatting with Nicole, this was all in Patreon by the way, she messaged and we were having a yarn about it and I was like that's so cool and she goes yeah and like the more followers we get like my boss

is going to be like whoa like the socials are popping off. So really if you need to do a good deed today following Guide Dogs of America I mean everyone wins. It's a double deed because you're following the dogs and you're to do a good deed today, following Guide Dogs of America, I mean everyone wins. It's a double deed. Because you're following the dogs and you're pumping up a tarpa. Yeah. Where's the second D? Hmm? Well the dog's like D for dog.

Deeds. Good deed. Got you. Good dog, good deed. That should be their slogan. It's a GDGD. Good day. It's a good dayGD. Good day.

It's a good day to have a good dog. Is that what you're saying? And do a good deed. Yeah, good day for a good deed with a good dog. Hey, we'll leave it to Nicole. Sounds like her job. Yeah. It sounds like she's better at it than I am.

Hey Nicole, stop asking us to do your fucking job. Yeah. That's all I'll say, fuck you. Now I wanna talk about pegging. Isn't that so? Cool. Thanks to Erica Gingerich for sending this through. Her grandma posted in.

Is this about the pegging event? Yeah. Please come and support my grandma's favorite once a year event, which is the pegging event. It's at Westside Library on June 17, 3 PM. Come and play. And how? I think I will. I will.

Where is it? At the Westside Library. Like, where's that? I am imagining, if you imagine the middle of town, just to the west of it. Which town? Westside. Westside? I don't know. I don't know the Westgate Bridge.

Yeah, Tony doesn't believe in the west side of Melbourne. How funny though and imagine little old granny being like, oh yeah I'm off to do my pegging. What is it actually like it's doing like a bridge event. I think like it's like a Yeah, it looks like some sort of board game where it's yeah, like a chess or a check. Yeah, I don't know what bridges It looks like chairs of checkers. I think it looks like bridge what I just said bridge Bridge game. Do you play bridge with pegs? You do don't you? Or is that cribbage? I typed in bridge game and it's I think it's a card game. I typed in bridge and it's saying Bridget Jones's diary. See that like it's the board and you put the pegs in to like. Crippage. Yeah, I think it's Crippage.

What are you guys fucking, are you just Googling pegging over there? Is that what's going on? I should ask John-June Tim what is pegging. Oh my God, that is horrifying. Oh, I've got another love to say it. You never love to say it actually. Someone commented the other day that no matter how hard

they're laughing, when they hear Charles laugh, it like sends them into oblivion. And I've been thinking about it and I was like, it is so, cause you do that first wheeze and it is actually so infectious. So I love to say that. How good's the first wheeze in the morning? You know, someone when I was a kid. I love wheeze? You know someone, when I was a kid-

I love wheeze bars. You know when I was a kid, I had this like, like you know how when you're, I hope that other people know what I'm talking about. You know when you're a kid, you have warts. Yeah. It's like not really a thing that happens as an adult. I don't think, but like you get like warts

on your knees and fingers as a kid. I did on my hands, yeah. Oh, did you? On my fingers, yep. I got them on my,arts on your knees and fingers as a kid? I did on my hands, yeah. Oh, did you? On my fingers, yep. I got them on my, like on both knees. They were the only place I got them. Yeah. Anyway, and I remember one of the girls telling me like,

oh, well, if you've got warts, you know what you have to do. And I was like, what? Like, cause I was really embarrassed by them. So I was like, I'll do anything. She's like, the first wee in the morning. The first wee in the morning is what gets rid of a wart no and so no fucking joke Tony for like two months Tony Louise yeah every day for like two months I literally said I'd be weeing and I would like put my hand under quickly,

just get a little bit and rub it on my wart. Rub it on my warts, on my knees. And then I would get like walk out of the toilet, obviously like wash my hands. Did you wash your knees? Well, no, cause the wee was what needed to be on there. But I'd like rub it in. That might be true though, we don't know. Well, it didn't work.ey was what needed to be on there, but I'd like rub it in. That might be true though. We don't know.

Well, it didn't work. She was doing it for three months. That's a long time to try it. So yeah, and I just thought like consistency is key. Like maybe you just need to do it, like keep doing it. It's the third month where it really starts to. I'd rub it in. So it wasn't like piss was dripping down my leg or anything. That's literally what was happening. No, no, no, no. Like it wasn't dripping.

I would just get a little bit and I'd rub it in to my knee. And like while I was sitting on the toilet still, so it was like private. And then, but I like never told my mom about it. Yeah, good. Obviously, cause it's like so fucked up. What made you stop? Like after those three months,

what was the fact that you were like, oh, it's not working? I think it might've just like petered out. Like I think I just was like- Don't peter it out. Oh! You petered out. I did peter out.

Yeah, like I think I just kind of like fell out of routine of like doing it every day. Did you go to school camp and do that? Tony. I might have not been during camp time. Did they say Tony Louise peas on her knees? Tony Louise? Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Well, then you would need peas as well. Tony Louise on her knees. Tony Louise peas on her knees. Tony Le Wees. So Louise, but like. Oh, like your way is French.

Louise. It's French. So I remember you saying, I've got another love to say it. Was that it? No, it was, that was about Char. I've got enough to say it. When I was younger, I peed on my leg. What are we saying? You're not help to say it when I was young I peed on my leg.

What do we keep saying? You never love to see it we keep saying and it's really funny I don't know why. I've got a you're not the love to see it we keep saying and I think it's so funny. No it wasn't about the piss it was about Charles's laugh. And how did we get here? I'm gonna have to rewind in real time. I don't actually remember either. Fuck dude, I'm just, it's take, I'm sure people are as dumbfounded as I am right now,

having heard that. I've said, no, I reckon- When we've said on the record that Tony is a marketer's dream. It was the first wheeze in the morning. Oh yeah, and I was like, well, I've heard a wife's tale. We've said before Tony is a marketer's- She's a mom now, do you reckon that she's gonna tell her daughter that? Probably, she's like, well, I've heard a wife's tale. We've said before, Tony is a marketer's- She's a mom now, do you reckon that she's gonna tell her daughter that?

Probably, she's like, you know what will help with those warts? Warts and all. Sorry. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. We've said on this show that Tony is a marketer's dream, because you say stuff and she goes, yep. And this is like the origin story.

But it also like, how was I, I don't know. And I was just, I just hated that. I was so embarrassed of them that I- How would you know? Let's go through it. A, didn't work. B, if everyone was- Yeah, so I'm not still doing it now.

C, you would have asked a doctor or a professional. Four, you would ask, like, how would you know? Like there's lots of ways to know. To be honest, I think- That peeing on your own leg doesn't kill- I didn't piss on my own leg. It sounds like the same result. No, no, it isn't. And you know that. Maybe that's why the warts didn't go away. You didn't get enough. I didn't piss on my leg. I rubbed way into my knee.

From the bowl that you use popcorn with as well. Yeah. Don't get the wrong bowl. Yeah. Nah. Her knee would be pregnant. Well that obviously would work. Babe, you'd have a babe knees. No, I wouldn't. You're just lashing out cause you wiped pee on yourself.

No, because I think that you think- I've done some fucked up in my time. Yeah. So I'm not here to say that we've not- You remember when you shat on the towel? Yeah. And how you think that the semantics of, I didn't on a towel I wiped my bum with the towel yeah that's very different yeah totally right very different sure that's what I'm saying I

didn't piss on my own leg I rubbed we on my leg I don't know that's better I don't know if that's better. I don't. But it's different. It's different. We don't know if it's better. But it's different. Give me a win. The winner is Tony. And I still had warts. So I had piss and warts. And then in the end, Dr. Pearson did-

I was like, her name was what? What? Huh? It sounded like you said Dr. Pearson. Yeah. I heard Dr. Pierce. Oh, nah, Dr. Pearson in the end did the like... What? What's she doing? She's Dr. Pearson on her leg.

What? No! In the end... In the end, Dr. Pearson did... Is she? What? In the end, Dr. Pearson did... Is she? What? In the end, my doctor, my GP... Yeah, what's her name?

G! P! In the end, my doctor, Dr. Pearson ended up doing the like... Was Dr. Pearson Pearson on her leg too? You should say my doctor. Dr. Shitton. So in the end, he did the like cold therapy that you know when you like freeze a ward off, that's what he ended up doing. So... My op Thomas just is Dr. C. cold therapy that you know when you like freeze a ward off that's what he ended up doing so

My opthalmistress is Dr. C Shame C We're doing it, okay The Tom would everyone Tom just to confirm have you ever had warts and if so Did you ever get told to pee on them to remove them? No, not. Great. All right, I'll call you back a bit later, bud.

Thanks, mate. I hate Tom Wood. Okay, all right. Well, I think that there'll be people that, oh, no, you know what? Today's episode's thread. What was like a thing that you followed as in like a wives tale that someone said,

oh, you know what, you've got it. You know how people say that? Oh God, I've got fucking this thing that just won't work. Maybe when that guy said to me like, oh, if you've got ex my, you need to put Vaseline on it on the full moon. You know those things, but you actually followed it because it wasn't condescending.

Shout out my old mate, Tanya. What did she do? She went to that doctor that had a cape. Sure. I mean, does that not say anything? No, but that's a, no, that's not the same. I'm saying like when someone's passed. No, like the advice that a doctor gives when the doctor's got a cape, you'll be like, oh, did the guy with the cape recommend that? Sometimes, and I've said this before,

sometimes you need a doctor with a cape. Yeah, it is true. Sometimes the advice you need is actually a bit woo woo, and you go, I need someone's gonna meet me on my level. I'm talking like a friend has said, oh, well my auntie just fucking puts watermelon on her eye and then she doesn't get a star anymore I want like wives towels like that. Okay that you followed

Camomile tea bag on the piercing that gets infected on my ear I just fall asleep with a camomile tea bag on my head. I've never heard that's amazing You should just pee on it That works? That's amazing. I'll go rub your piss on that How'd you end up getting just just like for you and I, I was too what? How'd you end up getting rid of them? She literally said it. Dr. Pearson like froze them off.

Yeah, when I said Pearson, I lost a few minutes there. Oh, that's on me. I'm sorry. No, so Dr. Pearson ended up freezing them off. Like dry ice stuff? Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That fucking hurts, eh?

It does, yeah. And I had a couple on my knees, like, so I would on me. I'm sorry. No, so Dr. Pearson ended up freezing them off. By dry ice stuff? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That fucking hurts, eh? It does, yeah. And I had a couple on my knees, like, so I would have to. I did dry ice and also this other. On your hands? Yeah, and also I had to put this little ointment

and rub them up in like, glad wrap to try and like, you know. You should have tried. It would have been a lot easier for me. And I think I was embarrassed. I didn't want to say to my mom, like, can we go to the doctor about this? Because I was embarrassed of them. So I was like, I fucking just take care of this myself.

If only there was a less embarrassing thing to do. Sorry. Putting the piece of myself was less embarrassing. I've got a really less embarrassing- I've got a fucking bone to pick with Mel Bryson now. I honestly- Get her on the line. Oh, fucker now.

Mel Bryson. Yeah. May she at. She's in, she lives in Perth still. She just had a baby. She's about to get married. Very exciting time. Oh, congratulations.

Her sister Jasmine actually just mentioned me the other day. We're chatting. She's going to be a Mel Bryson. That's funny. All right, have a good day. Love you. Bye. Fucker now. From tennis to piss. Honestly. 52 minutes. Love you. Bye. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecue's lit but there's

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