Toni and Ryan - Porkin' Peter Pan

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

Workplace Secret Santa, Shrek 2, and another dirty Disneyland story. Love ya! T x Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hello, is this Smosh Smodges? I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. Yeah, well, we were just saying that we saw Josh Rogers on the list and we didn't know if we were about to out someone who was previously in some sort of the Disney World. Witness protection, yeah.

Witness protection. They let me out for an hour to talk to you. Well, we're very grateful to be your one phone call. How are you? I'm pretty good. I work. You know, I'm just taking a quick 15. Oh.

He's planned ahead. He's not mucking around. Wow. Now, I believe, Smosh Smodges, that you have a riddle you would like to pose. All right. So there's, the riddle goes like this. It's like there's 30 cows in the field, about 28 chickens. How many didn't?

There's 30 cows, 28 chickens. And how many didn't? Didn't. 30 cows, 28 chickens. How many? Oh, oh, 10. Yep. Son of a bitch. Hang on, you don't know.

Hang on. Smosh smodges. What is happening? Smosh smodges. What do you mean? Don't. You don't know. Hang on. Smosh Smodges. What is happening? Smosh Smodges. What do you mean? Don't say anything. Smosh Smodges. Ryan doesn't get it yet.

Say it back to me, Tony. There's 30 cows. Yep. 28 chickens. How many didn't? 30 cows. 28 chickens. Chickens.

How many didn't? Two. Is that the two left because of the 28? So my answer was right. Why would it be 10? Because. 30 cows. Because 20 of them ate the chickens.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes! Yes! Congratulations. Oh, hey, hey. I was just messing with you guys. I knew the whole time.

Yeah, welcome, mate. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Well, that was the best bit of the podcast over. We've got some rubbish 25 minutes coming up. Yeah. But, Schmock Schmock, do we get your approval to push on and get started? Of course.

Amazing. And thanks to that riddle as well. That was great. That was great. That was great. I'm sorry it took me so long. You've never said that before. Oh, Jesus. This is Smash Snatchers from Florida, and I approve this podcast.

Oh, fuck. You're pissing me off on purpose. And welcome to the show. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine, but you're pissing me off on purpose. Am I? Yeah. I don't think I am.

I'm not saying I'm not pissing you off. I'm just saying it's not on purpose. Oh, okay. Well, speaking of workplace awkwardness, I want to bring up something that puts fear into the heart of people in workplaces around the world. Yep. And that is Workplace Secret Santa or Kris Kringle, wherever you're from.

So where you pick a name out of a hat and you've got to buy it for Jenny from accounts. Yep. You probably don't know much about Jenny. You've never met her. You know that she's got kids. You've bumped into her in the break room, but that's probably about it. We've talked about this.

I've recently just started a new job. So I've been there for about a month now and they all say, let's do a secret Santa for work. And you just started? I just started. You don't know anyone. I don't fucking know anyone. You don't know what they want. You don't know anyone. I don't fucking know anyone. You don't know what they want.

I don't know anyone. Do they know what you want? What are they going to get you? Exactly. If someone just met you, what do you think they'd guess you were, like, into? Oh, I'd say that the safest thing to get someone you've just met is probably alcohol. I was about to say I am not, like, a big beer guy.

Yeah. And so I always just get, oh, Ryan, I don't know, just get him a bottle of whiskey or something like that. And I'm always like, oh, great. Yeah. And so I always just get, oh, Ryan, I don't know, just get him a bottle of whiskey or something like that. And I'm always like, oh, great. Yeah. I'll drink it. Fantastic. And because there's like a $30 limit or whatever generally, you know,

like you can generally get something like cheap and cheerful and it's pretty easy. But anyway, they said we don't want people to just get shit gifts. There's a $30 limit but we're going to fill in this little form and we want you to put a couple of things that you like so that everyone actually gets something. I like that. They actually want.

Yeah, and if you don't really know someone, it's not as awkward and whatever. Well, if someone bought you a bottle of whiskey and you weren't a whiskey drinker, you'd be like, well, what if? I'm not going to drink that, but at least I could put. So I put in my. What did you put in yours? Oh, this is a good question actually.

What do you reckon I put? Hmm. Tony, you like actually. What do you reckon I put? Hmm. Tony, you like flowers. I do like flowers. That's true. You like – see, I would like to buy – if I was to buy you something. I've bought you cocktails before. Yes.

I've bought you fun cocktails before. I think you would appreciate like a little – you know how you can buy those like really fancy like little hampers like with the little cheese and the crackers and the thing and the bits and pieces? Oh, yeah, I do like that, yeah. I think you'd like that. Obviously, most of my things are food-based because that's all I do

with my life. Yeah. A plant, a little indoor plant. Oh, yeah, another great idea. Yeah. Am I in the right areas here? Yeah, I think so. So I put down I like crafty stuff.

Yep. I like gin. Yep. So like what you said and that I like skincare. You do like skincare. Because like I thought as well, that's just something cheap. You can go and buy a few masks. It's easy. Boy question. Yeah. I know nothing about skincare. Yeah. I would find it hard to buy skincare because I would just assume that everyone has their own special type that they like and stuff. So maybe just assuming that someone, is that like a tricky one to buy? Or there's a few basics that everyone has their own special type that they like and stuff. So maybe just assuming that someone, is that like a tricky one to buy?

Or there's a few basics that, oh, everyone would use this. Yeah, like you probably wouldn't buy someone like moisturiser, but you could go and buy some sheet masks. Sure, great. Or, you know, like a clay mask or something. Was my dumb boy question like a legitimate question? No, that's a good question. Yeah, yeah.

And because if you saw skincare on a thing, you'd be like, well, obviously I'm going to get her that. I'm going to get her the Bologna gin or a cocktail or something. Bologna gin. Thank you, Lord. Yeah, thank you very much. Anyway, so that's what I popped on mine. I was like, whoever gets me, like I like garbage,

I'll like whatever I get. I actually did get a beautiful box from Mecca filled with face masks and like a body scrub. Beautiful, great. Perfect for me. I got this guy called Scott. Oh, Scotty. And I've never spoken to Scott before.

What's Scott do? He's a software developer. Oh, great. Yeah, he's just like a cool guy. He just like, he's cool. He's pretty cool. He's pretty cool. So what was on his list of dot points?

Puzzles. Interesting. Food. Good. And sci-fi. Oof. That's not evenof, that's not a thing. That's a topic. That's a genre.

What are you into? World travel. Right, $30 limit champ. Yeah, cool. I'm into, yeah, that's. Well, so instantly I go, well, do I go like Star Wars? Do I buy him a fucking book on planets? Like what do you actually.

I mean, it's a vague answer. It's so broad. Yeah. So broad. So he said's so broad. Yeah. So broad. So he said he loves puzzles. Great. So I go, cool, I'll see if I can find like a cute puzzle. I think that's a pretty cute idea.

Anyway, so I'm looking online. I can't really find like the perfect one. And I come up with this idea that Torb's talked me out of and I want to get your opinion on it. So I'm looking around for a puzzle. I can't really find one and I'm like, okay, I'm pretty funny. Well, I write myself. We all know that.

Yeah. What if I get this guy like a joke kind of gift? So what I wanted to. I'm so nervous for you already. So what I wanted to do was take his, like, profile picture from, so we have, like, a work team directory and we all fill it in with, like, things, like, how we like to be communicated. It's actually awesome.

Yeah. Things that we rate, things we don't rate, as in, like, be honest with me but don't be an arsehole. How we like to be communicated with, like, whether it's email or Slack or call on the phone or whatever and all this other stuff and things that we like to be communicated with like whether it's email or slack or call on the phone whatever and all this other stuff and things that we like and there's like photos of us so i said to torps i'm gonna take his photo of the team directory and photoshop it into a photo with me because his photo is just him like smiling and i was like then we're gonna take a picture of me

with my like arm up as if we're like standing together and get that printed on a puzzle. Absolutely not. What? That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my life. I think it's so fun. So you can make a puzzle of me, as in the guy, and some girl who just started working here who I don't even know,

who hasn't been in the office because of lockdown, and then I have to spend time putting a picture of the two of us looking like lovers together. Oh, that is weird, actually. Well, now that I've just briefly explained the thing you wanted to do. No, see, I don't think it's weird until you say that he would have to spend time putting it together. That's weird.

So his presumably hot girlfriend comes home and goes, what are you doing? He goes, I'm just sitting on the table putting a picture of me and Tony together. Of this girl I've never met. She Photoshopped us together hugging in our spare time. That's what she does with her time. And now I'm spending my spare time sitting at the table putting

this puzzle together. What have you been up to, babe? Yeah, how was your day? Well, so I thought that was. That's a big no from me. Okay. Well, I thought it was quite. Did you go through with it?

No. Thank God for that because I didn't need to go and get you another job. Yeah. Because you couldn't keep working there. So Torbs goes, have you spoken to him? And I said, no. And he said, have you met him in person? And I said, no.

The first time I'm going to meet him is at the Christmas party last night to give him the gift. Okay. And Toulouse goes, you can't. It's not a first meeting yet. He goes, if it was someone you met already or someone you knew or had like a good rapport with or whatever, that would be fine, but not this guy you've never met before.

I went with like a Lego puzzle. Like I found, and anyway, like went down, fucking awesome. He loved it. I gave him the receipt. I was like, look, I bought it from EB Games. If you're not into it, you can return it. I won't be offended. But like, and he was like, oh, I love Lego.

I love puzzles. Like this is awesome. Yeah. So he was really happy. But I feel like I missed an opportunity with the personalized puzzle. Tony Lodge, you don't know what you've just created. What? You've just created the first piece of Tony and Ryan merch.

Am I right or am I fucking right? Oh, my God, we're making a fucking puzzle. We've got to go. End the podcast. We're busy. To the puzzle person. They print them at Officeworks. Oh, do they?

Yeah. To Officeworks. Oh, do they? Yeah. To Officeworks! So a few weeks ago, and we kind of outed this guy earlier. Yeah. Schmosh Schmodgers. So sorry. Didn't realise that we were, you know, witness protection. Yeah.

He is a delivery driver. Yes. And he was delivering pizza to Disney World. To Disney World. And the podcast was on. He tried to pause it. To Disney World. And the podcast was on. He tried to pause it. He accidentally pressed play and turned it back on. And the audio of Tony moaning and doing sex noises was played right throughout

Disney World for everyone to hear and be disgusted by but also turned on but also disgusted but also turned off. Now, I'm not even going to give this guy a fake name. Smosh Smodges. No, there's a new guy because he actually worked at Disney World, so I don't even want to get close to, you know, getting him in trouble. Okay. But he worked at the Magic Kingdom in Florida,

which I believe is part of the kind of Disney World precinct, if you will. There's a bunch of different things. So he worked at the Magic Kingdom. Imagine how fun it would be working at Disneyland. Well, aren't you just about to find out just how fucking fun it is? Okay. All right.

Here we go. Yes. I was laughing so hard about that story. About Smosh Modgers? About Smosh Modgers. Yeah. Let me tell you what happened when I was working at Magic Kingdom. Before I started my shift, I went to the men's bathroom and change room area to,

can I get my costume and whatever? And he goes, I just went into the stall, you know, closed the door behind me just to quick little drop the kids off before I go. And suddenly I hear this slapping of skin. We all know what that means. And so he's in the stall and he goes, are some people getting it on? Like here at Disney World in the change rooms? And it's obviously like the staff only area.

Apparently there's all these underground tunnels where like underneath. I've heard that. Like there's change rooms, there's kiosks, cafes, all sorts, like it's all in the tunnels. I've heard that, yeah. Secret underworld. Yeah, so he's in the secret underworld and he said, there's people doing it not three feet from me, like just a thin wooden cubicle stall in the change rooms.

Wooden something. And he's like, it's so awkward I don't want to move and let them know I'm there, so I'm just going to sit and wait for them to finish so then I can leave out and not be awkward. 20 minutes. No. And he said they didn't even break rhythm.

Just getting it done. 20 minutes. Magic Kingdom. How good is this? So finally he comes to a conclusion, all puns intended. He's like, I need to see who it is because I work with these people. 100%. I'm curious.

You don't want to interrupt the doing it. But I need to know. But you want to know, yeah. I walked out of my stall and I saw two guys just finishing up there, like the sink, kind of cleaning their hands, you know, washing their hands, getting back to work. One of them plays Peter Pan and was in costume and the other one was Gaston.

Is it Gaston? Is that how you pronounce it? Gaston. Gaston. Peter Pan and Gaston in character. They were both in their costumes. We're getting it done. I recognised both of them right away.

I work with them all the time. Needless to say, this guy messaging, as a bottom myself, my jaw was on the floor. I will never forget the day I was able to listen to Peter Pan getting railed by Gaston in a Cinderella castle. Well, there you go. Oh, my God. That sounds like fan fiction gone wrong.

It is fan fiction. Oh, my God. But you would. You'd throw one up Peter Pan if you had the chance, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you? Not saying no. This is Smosh Smodgers from Orlando, Florida, and you're listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast.

Thanks to everyone helping out on Patreon. Yes. Not only can we bring you this, a fourth weekly episode, but we're now starting to build up the YouTube as well because we're getting some longer videos on there. People will enjoy that. Yeah. It is great because, Tony, and I'm not just saying this to like piss in your pocket, you

are funny on the podcast, but seeing you in action, seeing you, it's so great. And I think people, every time on the YouTube, people are like, oh, Tony's great. How great is Tony? I'm like, hey guys, Ryan here. And they're like, yeah, cool, Ryan. How great is Tony? Yeah. Do you know what we should do?

We should do like a live pod. We discussed this when we were doing the nuggets in that because people are sprinkled around the world, we were like, well, what time zone do we choose? Oh, but I mean like do like, you know how we're going to America in two years? Yeah. If we could do like some live shows. Oh, like, oh. Like a, yeah.

Don't you think that would be fun? Like a. Yeah. I thought you meant live just like. Oh, like a live stream? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I mean that as well. But wouldn't it be cool to like go and do like a venue or something? Absolutely.

Yeah. Maybe we'll see if we can figure that out after the puzzle. After the puzzle. I was going to say. We got a lot off. We're very busy. Very important. But the puzzle and the live shows can all happen.

Thank you to people such as Patrick Shaughnessy, Rachel Evans, Rodney Stickles Palmer and Samantha Carmona. Thank you so much. Sorry, I was just going to make an awful joke about Carmona. Yeah, I'll be Carmonona. Carmonona. Moaning in the car. Do you want to Carm in or come on her?

Oh. Also, Rodney Stickles Palmer is booked in to approve soon. Oh, great. Came through. He pops up a lot. Well, Stickles has been around for a while. Yeah, Sticko. One of the OGs, so thank you very much to him.

Now, this week on the Patreon we said which animated movie should we watch and because we watched American Psycho last week, we're like, let's pick a kids movie, let's keep it light and bright. Yes. American Psycho last week, we're like, let's pick a kids movie. Let's keep it light and bright. American Psycho is great. Pretty heavy. Do you remember the options? For this week?

Mm-hmm. Toy Story 3, which is not a happy movie. It's very sad. It is true. I cried like four times in that movie. Yeah, it's harrowing actually. Shrek 2 was on there. Yep.

Despicable Me. Despicable Me. I did notice that the one that I requested did not make it onto the list and I was actually really gutted about that and I wanted to bring it up. Did you request? I asked if we could put on Meet the Robinsons because that's one of my favourite movies. And you said yeah, and then when I looked at the poll,

it wasn't on there. I think we chose like eight. Well, Meet the Robinsons was the first one that I brought up, so I would have thought that would have made the cut. Yeah. Yeah, no. It's a really good movie. It's really good.

I guess we'll never know. No, we'll get there. We'll get there, mate. Have I annoyed you? I really like that movie. It's really good. Okay, I'll look into that. I'll look into that.

But unfortunately we had to watch an animated masterpiece that was nominated for two Oscars. I love Shrek 2. It is really great. It is fantastic. I haven't watched it for years. I watch Shrek pretty often. Yeah? Yeah. Because it's on stand. There's so many of them. I thought Netflix as well. I watched it on Netflix.

Oh, is it? Yeah. But like, because now if you want to watch a Disney movie you have to have Disney Plus. Plus, yeah. And, like, Shrek is, like, the only. Non-Disney Disney movie. Yeah, yeah. But, fuck, the movies are so good.

All the Shreks are good, I reckon. Yeah. Now, this might be a weird one specific thing that I came out of watching Shrek 2. Yep. As much as it's animated and it's about, like, very far-fetched things and whatever, it's actually just a cute story about meeting the in-laws.

Yeah, it is. You know what I mean? Like it's just like a newly married couple. Oh, I want to impress the in-laws. I want the whole family to get along. All the bells and whistles and the animatedness, it's still just like a cute little family trying to find their way, which I think maybe that's why the wholesomeness comes through and it's not just like, oh, some wacky weird thing.

Yeah, and it's got like it's actually a relatable kind of story at the end of the whole thing. Yeah, and I guess I remembered the funny characters and the funny moments and, you know, the donkey becomes the horse and it's all good. I was like, oh, this is just like a cute little thing and I just love them. I really like the, and I guess on that as well,

thing and I just love them. I really like the, and I guess on that as well, but like the barriers it breaks down of like that damsel in distress thing and that when you bring someone home to meet your parents it's not always going to go well and the family pressure of marrying the right person because they're like, oh, he needs to she needs to marry Prince Charming. And then you see that as a kid she wanted to marry Prince Charming and that's who she's looking for in the first movie.

There still is obviously not as dramatic as the prince and princess, but there is still a my parents expect this of me and I have to spend my life a certain way and with a certain type of other person. Yeah. And it says a lot about my family if I'm doing this sort of thing and not that. And, like, it's still very real. So I like, like you said, just smashing some more boundaries.

Yeah. And the other thing, this is kind of silly and definitely not what they intended at the time, but you know how she's really nervous about seeing her mum and dad because she obviously looks very different. So she's, like, now an ogre. seeing her mum and dad because she obviously looks very different. So she's like now on ogre. But it kind of reminded me about like the pressure of seeing your family after a long time.

Yeah. So a few years ago we, Torbs and I, went home for Christmas and it had been like a long year, really busy. I was working breakfast radio. I wasn't looking after myself. I was just, I was looking like shit, feeling like shit. And I remember just being really stressed about seeing my family and because everyone can be really snitty sometimes. And you know, if you've like put on a bit of weight or lost a lot of weight or, you know, you've got a different boyfriend

or whatever. And just like those pressures in your family or old friends that you don't see or talk to a lot anymore and just feeling really crap. And I feel like that's something people can really relate to after COVID. Oh, the thing you're describing, I am that right now. Yeah. I've put on a couple of kilos, a couple of COVID pounds. Yeah. And now when I'm like, oh, people are going back out,

there's parties, going to see the family. I'm exactly what you just described. I'm like, oh, I just don't want to see's parties, going to see the family. I'm exactly what you just described. I'm like, oh, I just don't want to see you because I don't want you to see me and I just. Yeah, and you just like feel a bit apprehensive about catching up with old people because you just look a bit different and you feel a bit different. Do I look like an ogre?

Oh, no, mate. Absolutely not. My family's not going to judge me for looking like an ogre. Absolutely not. Like, and that's the thing I think because we're our own harshest critics that we look at ourselves and we go, oh, my God, I look so different or I look so bad when actually people don't really remember you for that. And if people do remember you for that,

then they're not the right people in your life anyway. Yeah, no. But if. Your hair looks great today. Thank you. You look beautiful. Thank you. You're a very beautiful girl.

Thank you. But, you know, you. You're a very beautiful girl. Thank you. But, you know, like I just when I was watching that, I was like, God, so many people are going to be going home for the holidays at the moment, probably seeing their mum and dad or sisters or grandmas or whatever for the first time in a year or two because travel's been off. You can't go anywhere for the last while. And probably a lot of people are going through that. So if you're feeling that way, don't.

You're beautiful and it doesn't matter. And you know why it doesn't really matter? Why? Because your father-in-law's a frog. Yeah, exactly right. Yeah, and he gave him a hard time. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, who's a frog to fucking judge an ogre? Exactly. You're just as green as the rest of us, mate. I know. Spoiler alert. Yeah. All right, we're done here. That was great.

Very funny. Thank you. See, you've got a great personality. Does that make up for me being a little heavier than I used to be? No, mate. That's why I like hanging out with you. You gas me up. Yeah. I'm a bit nervous about not having a beard this season because I did the Movember.

I'm going to grow it back, by the way. Thanks for everyone telling me to. It was for charity. Sorry about that. The other day I said, oh, I'm a bit anxious because, you know, my necks are revealed. I'm feeling a bit fat in the face. And you just went, oh, but that moustache does things to me, Ryan.

Yeah. And you grunted at me. Yeah. So thanks for that. I appreciate that. You do look good, mate. And also I just, I love you and I think you're great. So I never think about that anyway. I appreciate that. You do look good, mate. And also, I just, I love you and I think you're great. So I never think about that anyway.

I'm married. Okay. Well, I'm not. My love to see it is a story from the UK where a pub got snowed in while it was full of patrons. Oh, how good was this? Did you see this? Yeah, I did.

And everyone had to sit there for however long it was that they were all stuck in this pub eating Yorkshire puddings, playing pub quizzes and drinking. Sucking Guinness out of the tap. And listening to an Oasis cover band. Before they strayed. How long can you listen to Wonderwall for?

I reckon about three minutes and you're like, cool. Next song, please. You know what I want to know? At the end of that, is the publican, are they keeping tabs on what people eat? They fucking better be. And do you reckon at the end you're getting a bill for four days' worth of fucking parmesaners and whatever? Well, you would be because the parma wouldn't arrive for you because you probably ordered it wrong. Get the snail, yeah. But, yeah, just before you leave, John.

Yeah, I've done $6,000. 67 pints, 15 plates of chips, extra aioli on nine occasions. I actually own your house now. Yeah, but do you reckon that they got charged for that? Well, I reckon they should. Maybe they had insurance. I was just about to say insurance would have to cover that. Because you'd be stuck there.

You'd have to go through all that. But anyway, I thought that was a great story. And what good sports. Sitting there and enjoying it. Can you imagine getting stuck in there with someone who was like, like me? I'd be panicking. Yeah, you would be panicking.

You'd be awful. Shout out to Dave, a Twitter user, who shouted this one out, and I just love to see it. Someone just emailed me in a very professional email. It was for business purposes, business is the business, and said at the end, we could have snipped it in the butt earlier. Snipped it in the butt.

This tweet is one of those viral tweets and he's just embarrassed the person who sent it. Nipped it in the butt, correct. Nipped it in the butt, incorrect. Snipped it in the butt, very incorrect. I love when people get sayings wrong. Yeah. Imagine how many people that guy's been trying to snip in the butt

for all these years. Oh, and because it's such a professional email, and then at the bottom being like, let's snip this in the butt. Like, what a joke. What a joke, and that's not how vasectomies work, mate. The butt isn't where the babies happen. Better snip this. That's not actually how it works.

No, it's not. It's been a great week. I'm so glad to be here. I can hear that the music's about to rough us up. And Gary, if you're having sex with Brett, he's not going to get pregnant anyway. Don't snip that one, bud. Yeah, Peter Pan's all good.

You don't need to snip anything. All right, we will chat to you on Monday. Thanks for listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Love you guys. Should we meow us out for the end? Meow. When you're happy with your performance, you should take a meow. Get ready for 20 minutes of that, folks.

Oh, yes, snip me in the butt. Meow.