Toni and Ryan - Porn in an Uber

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

I've ruined someone's life AGAIN!! Classic me!! Love Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. I'm Ryan, this is Tony, and we're calling Caitlin Gordana. You can't use their whole names. Caitlin. Fucking hell. Can I? No. We use our full names. Yeah, because we agree.

Hello? Oh, Caitlin! Caitlin? Hi. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Good. How are you? Yeah, we're well. We are real good.

Caitlin, will you approve this podcast episode? Absolutely. I'll approve it for a lifetime. Yay! Oh, great. We don't have to call anyone else. Settled. No more approvers ever again.

Jeez, saves me a hassle working that calendar. Hey, it's Caitlin from Kingston, Ontario, Canada, and I approve this podcast. Big day tomorrow for the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Friday. It's Friday. It's also our first ever vodcast. Yep. And no, that is not us drinking vodka while we record the podcast.

Someone believe that's what a vodcast was. Yes. No. So a full video podcast. So you'll get to watch the episode if you want or you can just listen. But it's like the same audio. Yeah. It's the same file for those tech nerds playing at home.

Yeah. Just so that if anyone's like, oh, do I miss out on things if it's the video one? No, it's the exact same audio. We ain't doing two separate edits, bro. Absolutely not. And actually, I was supposed to edit them, but then I was really bad at it. So Ryan took the job away from me. Well, I just, no, it was more like I could see you like getting stressed.

I just don't like to learn. No. Tony, some people have a growth mindset. I don't. And some people have a fixed mindset. Yeah. I was like, Tony, what a great opportunity for you to learn a new skill. No, I don't learn.

I don't like to learn. I don't like to learn. I like to learn accidentally. Like I like to accidentally learn things, but I don't like to sit down and go, I need to learn this. I've learned that about you because I'm the complete opposite. Because often I'll go, oh, look at this on Skillshare. There's this short course.

Why the fuck are you texting me? I don't need this information. I know how to do that. I've got everything up here that I've got in the nog dog ready to go. In the nog dog? Yeah. And I've hit capacity? Yeah.

No more space. It's not that there's no more space. I just am going to be picky about what I take on from now on because I've just taken on so many song lyrics, like my home phone number from when I was a kid, things like that. I don't want to take anything else on before i decide what i can offload yeah i need to do your home phone number i can move that on yeah probably yeah yeah anyway let's start with normal or nah normal or nah taking photos at a funeral dave groves, my best friend and I were going through photos on her phone.

Very weird in the first place. It doesn't matter how close you are. That is a tricky game. We came across photos of a dead body in a casket. I said, what the fuck? And she goes, oh, that was my grandma at her funeral. I've never heard of someone doing that before. Is that normal or nah?

A picture in the casket I think is too much and probably like a bit disrespectful. It's disrespectful, yeah. However, I want to say it's really awkward, right, because I want to say normal about taking photos at a funeral of like everyone together because it's so rare that like everyone's together. It's in the same place. The cousins are here. That guy I haven't seen for a year.

Yeah. And so but it feels really weird to at the end of a funeral go, should we all get a photo together? It does, doesn't it? And do you smile? There was this thing a few years ago. It was when kids first started having phones and taking selfies and stuff. And this 14-year-old, 15-year-old kid was kind of like,

yo, I'm in a suit, selfie. And someone was like, oh, you're looking fresh, dog. What have you got a suit on for? What's going on? He's like, yeah, I'm at my pop's funeral. And everyone's like, I don't know if that's the occasion to be like posing in your hot suit. Yeah, to feel in yourself.

Because it's like, hey, the reason you're wearing your suit is to pay some respect to your grandpa. Maybe focus on that's the occasion to be like popping your, like posing in your hot suit. Yeah, to feel in yourself. Yeah. Because it's like, hey, the reason you're wearing your suit is to pay some respect to your grandpa. Maybe focus on that for the day. But it's really hard because I feel like if it was my funeral, I like wouldn't be offended that people were doing that. I'd be like, no, if everyone's together and you want to get a, like. Okay.

Do you know what I mean? Here's my pitch and edit this out if required. Okay. When you die, heaven forbid. Thank you. I'll have to get a real job. You know how they kind of like brush your hair and do you up with the open cask and stuff?

Oh, yeah. I'll get them to put your arm in like a peace sign, cute girl picture. And so then with your permission now. Everyone could take a selfie. A selfie and you're in the background like, hey. It's just like I'm there. Yay or nay?

Nay. Okay. Yeah, I don't think we should do that. No. But you guys can all take a photo together. Hey, just like to throw some ideas out. Some stick, some don't. Maybe you could Photoshop me in doing this while I'm alive.

Maybe I'll just appreciate you while you're here. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's nice. Do you think it's weird when people. You'll be just appreciate you while you're here. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's nice. Do you think it's weird when people... Because when you're dead, you'll be dead to me and everyone. Oh. Do you think it's weird when people like, organise

their funeral before? No. I think it's really nice. Yeah, if you want it a certain way. Yeah. Maybe if you know the end is not that far away. Maybe not very well or whatever. And you go, hey, I'd like to be remembered for this. So it's really important to me that you do this on the day.

But also I think like because whoever is planning it, whether it's your family, your friends, your partner, whatever, it is such a hard time. They shouldn't be spending time going, oh, do we get the pink flowers or the yellow? Like fucking sort it out, pay for it beforehand, then your family don't have to worry about it. How do you feel about a video from the grave? Like if you're watching this, I've died.

I actually like that because it feels very dramatic. It does, doesn't it? I can't edit it though. I'm going to do it. And imagine just being like, I know that I'm dead, but Tony, that doesn't mean that I haven't forgot you still owe me $7 for lunch the other day and you can just pay that to Bridget. That'd be great.

You can flick the money through. That'd be awesome. This casket doesn't pay for itself. There's $7 left on the bill owing for the funeral. You can just top it up before you left. You can tidy that up for us. And there's like no right of reply. And if you're like, Tony, you've always been an absolute dog to me,

and you can't respond, and you also can't be like, well, fuck that guy. He died. It's like your burn book. Do you remember when it went viral, that guy who was a casket confessional person? And so like he would have been with the person who had passed away in the last kind of days or beforehand or whatever and then would like go around and tell people like things

that they wanted to tell them. Can we get them on? Screw Stathie and Hunter. That's my bonus episode. We'll see if we can track it down. Tony, before Ryan passed away, he just wanted to let you know that you're a bit of a c***. After all this time. Normal or nah?

Eating string cheese bite for bite and not stringing it down. Fuck no. Normal. No. Nah. Sorry. Fuck no. Nah.

No, that's not normal? Nah, you've got to string it down. I disagree. String nah. Sorry. Fuck no. Nah. No, that's not normal. Nah, you've got to string it down. I disagree. Stringing is fucking, I know it's stringy cheese, but it's fucking weird. Well, then just eat a slice of cheese. I would. I only string if there's no other options. Barbora.

Michelle is her name. I do this. Bora, Michelle. Barbora, Michelle. Maybe it's Michelle Barbora. What are you doing over there? Are you okay? Do I need to get the casket conventional?

Should we organise a funeral? Are you okay? Cause of death? Not being able to pronounce names. You said Bora. Michelle. Bora. Am I having a stroke?

Babora Michelle. I do this whenever I... It's not even her name. I've skipped ahead. That's the next one. We'll get to Bombora. Whit Boner says... Fucking hell.

My sister eats cheese sticks bite for bite from the top down and it gives me the chills. Yep. What kind of monster am I related to? Yep. It's called string cheese for a reason. Eat a slice of cheese if you want to chomp it down. Why... Think about everything else you have in your life. You drink by the sip. You eat by the bite. It's called string cheese for a reason. Eat a slice of cheese if you want to chomp it down. Why?

Think about everything else you have in your life. You drink by the sip. You eat by the bite. Where does stringing things come into this at all? But that is the novelty of a stringy cheese. You get no purchase on it. It's like eating alfalfa. You want to get a bit of crunch. But then you're not eating the right food if you want purchase on it. It's like eating alfalfa. You want to get a bit of crunch. But then you're not eating the right food if you want that from it.

Do you know what I mean? Don't tell me what food I want. The food I want is the food in front of me. And I'll eat it as I see fit. And I think that's fine, but it does freak me out. It's like when people bite into an ice cream and don't eat the chocolate off and then sack all the ice cream on the inside. I'm with you on that.

Yeah. Stringy cheese is fucking gross. I don't think I'd ever buy stringy cheese. So I feel like we're never going to be in the situation. It's pretty fucking expensive. Is it? Yeah, because it's mozzarella. And like mozzarella is expensive.

Can I tell you something? Yeah, always. I tried to spell mozzarella the other day. No, bocconcini you tried to spell. Oh, day. No, boccancini you tried to spell. Oh yeah, no, also the same night because I was making pizza. So is there no N in mozzarella? Mozzarella? Yeah. No,

it's mozzarella. That's probably why there's no N in it. Because I kept typing mozzarella. It's like M-O-Z-Z. M-O-N No, M-O-Z-Z. E-R-E-L-L-A. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. I fuckingO-N. No, M-O-Z-Z. E-R-E-L-L-A. Mozzarella. Mozzarella. I fucking hate our language.

That's Italian. You stupid fucking idiot. I hate our language. I hate English. Well, it's Italian. Great. And this is the person who originally named it. What?

Your only accent. Oh, mozzarella. You know that one accent you do? Yeah, the one that I can do. Wow. After a great start. Sorry. Monzerella, you fucking idiot.

Sorry, everyone. I'm not informed. Just the vice-captain of the ship just bought a tea bed. Normal or nah? This is from Bombora, Michelle. Normal or nah? This is from Bombora Michelle. Normal or nah? Ordering the cheapest menu option when someone else is paying. Like say you get taken out, Tony, for like a business lunch

and they pass you the menu. Do you just get the cheapest thing because you don't want to be a burden or you don't want to be that person? Bombora Michelle says, I do this when I go out with people and I casually judge others that order the most expensive thing on the menu. Oh, this is a hard one because I think it would depend on who I was with, but I think I'd be mindful.

Like if somebody else was paying, I think I probably wouldn't order steak or something. Like, you know what I mean? I think I'd probably be like. Is it for the fear of like you don't want to take the piss? You just don't want to look like you're taking the piss, yeah. And I think maybe it's like the attitude, right? So if you open the menu and they go, oh, by the way, like. It's on me.

It's on me, our company will pay. And you go, oh, and you just look straight to the bottom of the page and go, well, I'll fucking get the steak. Yeah. Or I'll get your, what's that in the sentence? I'll get your most expensive thing stuffed with your second most expensive thing. But I think if you, like, even if that's what you're thinking on the inside. Yeah.

You kind of go, you know, I haven't had a good steak in a while and this place looks good. Yeah. And inside you're going. But also if you go, if they go, oh, don't worry, we're paying for it, all good. And then you go. Oh, sorry, did I say risotto?

What? Oh, sorry. No, I've made it for entree. No, but then if they go, I'll just get the chicken breast, then you kind of, I think you have to match their energy. Okay, yeah. Because we've been taken out for like a business lunch before. And when they go, oh, my God, like works paying,

like don't worry about it, then you kind of vibe out what everyone wants to do. But if you go, oh, great, then I'll have the fucking lobster stuffed with steak. And they're like, yeah, cool, can I just get like a green salad with croutons on the side? Then you're like, oh. Oh, who's an asshole now?

Hey, everyone watching me eat this steak, how's those croutons? No, I'm down with that. Yeah. I think it's a, it can't be normal or nah because I think it's a middle. It's normal nah or read the room. But we can't – I guess we can't sit on the fence, right? I'm going to say nah. I don't judge.

I'm going to say nah. I don't judge. I wouldn't judge if I was paying for dinner. No, but you're rich, so. Oh. Thank you, Bombora Michelle or whatever the fuck your name is. Michelle LaBombolala. Thank you. Thank, so. Oh. Thank you, Bombora Michelle, or whatever the fuck your name is. Michelle LaBombolala. Thank you.

Thank you. Appreciate it. Hey, it's Caitlin from Kingston, Ontario, Canada, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A huge shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Chris Weir. Cassandra Manolis. Thank you so much.

Lucinda Hazel. I don't like Nutella, hey. You don't like Nutella? Nah. I thought you were going to say I don't like that name. No. Like Hazelnut? Yeah, we've discussed your hate for Nutella.

I'm also not a Nutella fan. I just don't get it. Raina, thank you so much. Shelley Himmelright? Oh, my God. Himmelwrung? No. If I don't Himmelright, I don't want to be wrong.

If I don't Himmelright, I'll hurt myself. Mallory Ross, thank you. Courtney Lord, our Lord and Saviour. Tyler H. Coleman, Luciana Mueller and Lindsay Wood or Woody in brackets. Cheers, Woody. What's on a middle initial? It's a choice, isn't it? Some people are hard on it.

Yeah. Do you know what I reckon? You know, like Steph Clare Smith. Do you think that she regrets putting the Clare in? Probably. Because now everybody refers to her as Steph Klessmith. I mean, I put Ryan John once to avoid my accounting clients finding me on Facebook and now I'm sort of stuck with it. They're not unhappy about it, but, like, that's how it happened.

And a lot of teachers, because, like, I don't want the students looking me up on Instagram. They use their middle name. Yeah, and stuff like that. But, yeah, like Steph Klessmith is a very strong brand in Australia. Because, like, I can't But yeah, like Steph Clare Smith is a very strong brand in Australia. Because I can't even imagine calling her Steph or Stephanie Smith. Hi, Steph Clare Smith. Yeah, I think I've met her a couple of times

and I'm pretty sure every time I met her I said, hi, Steph Clare Smith. One of the first podcasts I did, it was the two of us. We did an episode and we did this promo video and it's so embarrassing. Do you still have it? Probably somewhere, yeah. Yeah, find it.

But I was like, even when I see the file pop up, I'm like, what? Because we're both like so young and you're like, hi, welcome to. I'm Stephen Blair Smith. The other day we were talking about how has Tony Lodge ruined your life? Yep. I'm a really good person. And, oh, my God, I've only just clicked about this person's name. What?

Lauren has sent through a message. Now, no. You fingered her on a plane? No. Before you, I was going to say before you say it, you've already fucking said it. Did you finger this person on a plane? It's not that Lauren. Okay.

Well, first of all, that Lauren doesn't exist because that's not what happened. But anyway, it's a different Lauren. That is her name though. It is. And you did finger on a plane. Good for you. I didn't. I don't know why you're embarrassed.

It's a great story. I am embarrassed. Why? And it is a great story. It's such a great story. I can't believe you finger-toed on a plane. It's so awesome. Well, you are.

What? Sorry? Lauren's an Uber driver. Yeah. Good on her. And the person I reckon that'd be a bit scary because you'd get a couple

of fucking characters pop in I reckon well I've told you about I used to drive the one night home one night stand time in Canberra that's right

when I drove Uber for two weekends yeah it is random though yeah you never know what you're going to get so Lauren

has this person picks them up from the airport and she thinks they've done like a pretty long flight like 30 hours here to here to here and from the airport, and she thinks they've done like a pretty long flight, like 30 hours here to here to here. And she's like, God, last time I flew, someone fingered me.

How did you know? How's the flight, bud? I know what they're like. So he kind of falls asleep in the back, and it's a bit of a long trip from the airport back to his place. So she goes, I'll put my Bluetooth headphones in and I'll listen to Tony and Ryan. Oh.

And I remind you, the topic is how has Tony ruined your life? Oh. During December, Tony said on one of the episodes, hey Siri, play the Pornhub podcast. Oh God. You've just said it again? Yeah. Playing the Pornhub podcast. Oh, God. You've just said it again. Yeah, my... Playing the Pornhub podcast.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't. No. Don't. Ah, ah, ah, ah, it's playing. That's not me. Okay, that's exactly what happened to Lauren. I can't believe that happened to us right here.

That's so funny. Lauren says, my headphones disconnected and everything started playing from my car speakers. I thought Tony had used her super awesome audio skills to troll the listeners because Ryan's voice

was suddenly cut out right as my headphones disconnected. My car speakers started playing the intro music for the Pornhub podcast, which consists of moans and that website, you know,

the traditional beat. Tony's been there before, apparently. And it woke up my passenger. The look I received from the passenger when I glanced into the rearview mirror, I could have cut glass, says Lauren. Shit. I was mortified. I explained the situation.

It's just a podcast. There's idiot Australians. I'm so sorry. Like, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh was mortified. I explained the situation. It's just a podcast. There's idiot Australians. I'm so sorry. Like blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, my God. I thought, this is actually a very Tony thing to say. I thought apologising repeatedly and refusely over and over would solve the problem. I think it just annoyed him more.

You said refusely. Do you mean profusely? Sorry. What did I say? Refusely. That's not a word, is it? Nah. Profusely. Like you mean profusely? Sorry. What did I say? Refusely. That's not a word, is it? Nah. Profusely.

Like over and over again. Anyway, yes, that is what I would have done. No, it never works. I received a one-star review from the driver. No. From the passenger? Yep. And a warning from the app about making my passengers uncomfortable.

Apparently, it's like a three-strike policy. Like if you get three like, oh, the customer was a bit weird, you're off. And now she's got one. And who does she blame? Me. Tony Felicia Lodge. Lauren, I'm so sorry. Are you still driving Uber?

Could I jump in and give you a fiver? So the reason she's driving Uber is because she got a new car. She's loving it, but she's like, this car needs to pay for itself because I kind of like went all in a little bit. So she's like, hey. I hope it's a nice one. Yeah, well, it is for her. And don't wink at me.

I hope it's a nice car. Business expense, though. I don't know at me. Hope it's a nice car. Business expense though. I don't know what you're doing. Claim it on tax. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, that, you could write, tax question. Oh, fucking mate. You are playing with fire.

If you're using your car for Uber and in inverted commas, that's the reason you purchased it, is that right off? Absolutely. You're the write-off people. People, write it off. Yeah. Surely. Lauren?

Lauren? You may have got a bad review, but you have just got tax advice that could save you thousands of dollars. Yeah, talk to your accountant. Please talk to your accountant. We're not legal financial advisors. Read the BDS. BDS.

PDF. PDF. Do you have anything to say to Lauren? Lauren, I am really sorry that that happened, But can I just quickly ask something? Sure. The amount of people that write in and say that their Bluetooth has disconnected. Yeah, it's too much of a coincidence.

There's just no way that's happening that often, eh? It has never happened to me. The Bluetooth just cut out and starts playing out loud. No, because if my Bluetooth disconnects, the thing just stops playing. Though, having said that, when your Bluetooth switches from your car to your phone, like, you know, when you're on the phone to someone and you're in the car and then you're like, hang on, I'm turning the car off,

I'll lose you for a second while it changes over. I believe that. But I want to just make sure that I'm not being taken for a ride here. No pun intended. Lauren in the Uber. Or being blamed for something that was her fault because she disconnected or hit a button. I feel like I can't take all of this on all the time.

Because Smosh Smodges, who we've mentioned this week, originally. He was the OG. He was the OG. He was the delivery driver delivering pizza to Disney World. And when a father in a family resort came to collect the pizza from the car, it was Tony making some moaning voices. Now he had, he must have just turned the engine off. Something had changed.

So it went from low to back on or something. I don't think you can be held responsible for people's inability. To use fucking Bluetooth. Yeah. How fucking hard is it? Sorry, everyone, but I just needed to get that off my chest. No, I agree. Because I feel like I'm copping it a lot and I do.

Yeah. Oh, it sounds like a hat. You're getting blamed for stuff as well. All right. The things you love to see. What do you love to see? Scotland has just become the first country to offer free period products to anyone who needs them.

Oh, a whole country. Yeah. So, and not only, they're not saying like for all women or all girls, it's anybody who needs period products. Yeah. And I thought, I fucking love to see that. Absolutely. Because we pay like, remember there was a big thing about tampon tax,

like paying GST because it's like a luxury, but it's actually a necessity. Yeah. But that you pay GST on it, but it should be tax-free or whatever. Whatever the fucking thing was. Like, oh, it's a luxury item. Yes, that's it. You have to pay extra tax because it's a luxury item. And I remember I'd say about 50% of the population going,

hey, bro. Disagree. You reckon this is like, I reckon it's pretty. Yeah. I don't go, oh, I'll treat myself and buy a tampon this week. I go, fuck, I need tampons. I'm going to buy them. I will treat myself this week.

But, yeah, Scotland have become the first country to offer free period products. But in Australia there's this awesome charity called Share the Dignity and you can give free

sanitary items and things for people that can't afford to buy them it's awesome you should check it out if you can if you have the means

but fuck it you love to see that Scotland good job good on you Scotland now I've just texted you Tony that's me sorry that really threw me off the headline here is never sleep in front of a friend Good on you, Scully. Now, I've just texted you, Tony. That's me. Sorry, that really threw me off.

The headline here is, Never sleep in front of a friend who's good at Photoshopping. So you'll see here that the lady is falling asleep in what looks like the university library. Oh, yep. Can you see that? Yep, so she's on like a chair, like a single seat chair. Yeah, so she's looking a bit unco because her arms and legs are hanging everywhere. Yeah, she's like a pretzel.

Now scroll across. Okay, so it's her twisted up into a pretzel and she's photoshopped into like the ring of wrestling. It looks like she's body slamming someone. All right, go to the next one. Okay, in this one she's been photoshopped into looking like she's breakdancing. She's spinning on her head. Next one along. Oh, she's falling asleep at the luggage conveyor belt at Heathrow.

Relatable. The next one, she's dancing with Michael Jackson, which doesn't look too dissimilar when she's at that angle. Yeah, on the tippy toes. which doesn't look too dissimilar when she's at that angle. Yeah, on the tippy toes. Oh, and asleep on the thrones from the throne. Game of Thrones.

Yep. I don't know what it's called. Go to number nine with the flamingo. She's posing as a flamingo because one of her legs is tucked up. That's very funny. That's so creative. I'm going to put all these photos in the episode thread in the Tony and Ryan podcast Facebook group. And it's literally just one photo of a girl who's fallen asleep

in the library and RIP to her. She is the laughingstock of the internet today. That's so funny. And I love to see that. I love to see that. That's hilarious. Oh, my God. Fuck, that's so funny.

All right. Thanks for listening today. Tomorrow, our first Vodcast. It'll be right here on the Spotify app. So we'll chat to you then. That was hot. We're doing a little Spotify throw, right? Yeah, it was just like, oh, yeah, you can listen right here on Spotify.

Don't need to go anyplace. It's right here. No, right here. Right here. Spotify. Come here and string me cheese. Oh, I'll bite you all the way down. Sorry. Jesus Christ. No, I won bite you all the way down. Sorry.

Jesus Christ. No, I won't do that. I won't do that. I'm a lady. Okay. Bye, meow. Yeah. Love you, bye.