Toni and Ryan - Post Office Beef PT247

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

NOT THE BLOODY POST OFFICE AGAIN!!!!! Love ya (not the fucking post office tho) Toni xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Author Tony Lodge here, book coming out soon. My name is Ryan, no books, and we are calling an OG from the Tony and Ryan podcast community. Where are they? A rare Australian OG. Hello, Ben speaking. Ben, Tony doesn't know who we're speaking to. What is your real name? Is this the Big Twig?

It is the Big Twig. The Big Twig! Oh, Big Twig, how are you? How's Adelaide today? Hot. Hot? Oh, hot in Melbourne as well. That's Australia for you.

Yeah, it's as if we're in the same country, Tony. Okay, fuck off. It can be hot and cold in two places at once, okay? More so Melbourne than here. Big Twig, will you approve the podcast? Sure will. Woo! Woo!

That's Big Approve from the Big Twig. He got the twig of approval. The twig of approval. Hey, this is the Big Twig from Adelaide and I approved this podcast. All right, coming up today, Tony Lodge came into the office this morning before we were recording and she came in hot. I don't like to do that. I don't like to come in and, like, be fired up straight away

and it was, you know, 7am. So it was, you know... Cam, do you reckon there was sweat on her brow when she came in? And venom on the voice. Venom on the voice. Do you think that maybe the sweat was because we do have stairs on the way up? And you did say mid-yelling.

I'm a bit puffed. I've just walked up the stairs. Because I walked up the stairs, yeah. But coming up today, Tony has got beef with the post office. Fuck, what's this? Tony and Ryan v. Post Office fucking round 65. Like, you know, this is a common enemy for us. You're right, it is.

You know, like this has come up quite a few times. So I'm glad that you and I, I know that I can always count on you. When it comes to bullying the post office. I know that you're always going to be on my side. I'm actually on your, I'm so fucking revved up. Yep, I know. And I love you for that. Thank you. But first, I've done something at a masseuse and I'm petrified I'm going to end up in one of those Daily Mail articles.

They're like, here is the five things that masseuses fucking hate. Because I was in a bit of a mood. I was very tired last week and you were like, go get a massage. It doesn't have to be expensive, fancy one. Just go. And I love the little shopping centre 15-minute cashies. They really gets me going. Sometimes it's all you need and I feel like it's often because like

when you're getting a massage, you like can't be on your phone. You know, all those things like that fucking drag you down through the day, it's like a bit of a reset. Yeah, but I realised I'd say seven seconds into the massage what I'd done and I was embarrassed. And it wasn't even one of those like, oh, I thought I was right. I was like, oh, God, I've got nowhere to hide and it's all my fault. I wonder how much they've noticed and how often this might happen

and how gross it is. So let's call a tarpa who's a masseuse. We've got Katie. I'm nervous. I don't know what's happened. Does Katie know? Oh yeah Hello Katie speaking

Hey Katie it's Tony and Ryan how you doing? Good how are you? Not too bad now you're on the podcast so don't defame anyone Oh yeah I was going to say don't swear but we do that all the time I was just going to say swearing's cool though right? Yeah it'll be fine Swearing's all good but don't swear, but we do that all the time. We do that all the time. I was just going to say swearing's cool though, right? Yeah, it'll be fine. Swearing's all good, but don't say anything that you wouldn't say to someone's face.

Yeah. Perfect. Got it. Now, just quickly, before I tell you what I did, Tony's always had like a personal fear of going to the masseuse. Tony, share with Katie what you get concerned about. So, Katie, I don't know if you remember this, but a while ago on the pod, I talked about how stressed I get at the massage place

because I get really tired in my shoulders. But as soon as I get there, I tense up even more so that I don't let out a moan. I remember, I remember. And I must say that's perfectly normal. Moaning is actually a really good sign. And I'm now an ex-massage therapist, but it was always like, good job, you know? Like it's a good bit of encouragement. Like a compliment. Yeah. Yeah, for sure, for sure.

Okay, so does that mean that now that you know that, Tony, can you go there and be a bit more at ease? Well, I'm pretty tired at the moment. So I'm thinking maybe if I go the Savo. Should we do a couples one? I'd actually love to. I go the Savo. Should we do a couples one? I'd actually love to. I'd actually love that. Should we do that? Maybe, yeah. The advantage of a couples one

is that you can secretly record it as well, Ryan, so we're going to know exactly how Tony sounds. Of course, because I can... Man, do you need a job? Can't you get out of a job? So I can go in and record and I can hear Tony's going to... It's not like a deliberate moment.

I think I was the air being pushed out. It's not like I'm laying in there getting a massage going like... You know, it's like... No, that feels nice. Yeah, it's like a relaxed sound. But would that be okay, Katie, you reckon?

Yeah, a little bit.'t don't go excessive you know like there's got to be some battery yeah well fucking hell now i was about to let loose in there like a fucking porno um but katie i did something yesterday and i felt instantly bad and i want you to tell me if this is actually as fucked as I think it is or if maybe you think it's not that bad. So I also needed to get a – I'm so embarrassed because it's so obvious in hindsight. I got a haircut. Oh, yeah?

Because I was like, yeah, a little treat me afternoon, go to the bar bar, beard trimmed, then I'll get a massage after. That's nice. But the difference I think with guys and girls getting a haircut is that because it's like little short bits, it doesn't matter how much they blow dry you afterwards, you've got all the little bits of hair. It's the same for girls.

Is it? If you just get a trim, there's hair everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. And so, Katie, I laid down shirt off on the massage table and I realised I've probably got little bits of hair. Yeah, and they're stubbly. Spr sprinkled all around, stubbly bits. And is that the...

Can you tell me from your massage point of view, is that real fucked? No, that is like... Oh, my God. I was like super ready to be so horrified by you. Every story that you ever tell, I'm like, this cannot be real. This is pretty much right and that's not too bad at all. At least it wasn't still attached to your body.

I feel like the long, wiry old man hairs, you know, the ones that kind of exist on the shoulders and the lower. He does have those as well, Katie. Hey, I had them waxed. Remember when Bridget couldn't make the waxing thing and I was like, hey, we're already prepaid, take care of these shoulders, mate. Hey, I had them waxed. Remember when Bridget couldn't make the waxing thing? And I was like, hey, we're already prepaid. Take care of these shoulders, mate. Yeah, of course.

When you get those stuck in between your fingers, that's the worst. And you find them later. Like after the massage, you'll wash your hands and then you're like, how is that still attached to me? Someone else's body hair is still on my person. Katie, I just have to ask you to pause for a second. Tony's nearly just vomited on the floor.

Nothing wrong with body hair, but the way that you just described that was fucking harrowing, if I may say so. But I'm with you, Katie. I was expecting that you said that, like, you walked in there and gone, can I get a foot massage? And then you took all your clothes off or something. I thought you were going to say something, like, awful. First of all, the relief that washed over my body when you said it's fine your clothes off or something. I thought you were going to say something like awful.

First of all, the relief that washed over my body when you said it's fine lasted for about three seconds before you then said, well, Ryan, considering it's you, I thought it was going to be fucked. Is that supposed to be a compliment? That's a fair statement. What's that supposed to mean? Not a compliment at all. Not a compliment at all. I've got one final question and this is just like an awkward one that,

you know, it's always plagued me over the years. When you're doing full body, like, are you supposed to keep your underwear on? Normally, yeah. So sometimes you'll go to places and they give you those, like, little disposable panties. Sorry, Tony. That hurts.

That's okay. Those you will leave on. Normally, Sorry, Tony. That's okay. Those you will leave on. Normally, like, underwear. It depends where you go, but most legit places will ask you to leave your lower underwear on, and you should be free. Cool. Occasionally, we've given people

the little disposable underwear and they've thought that it was a hairnet and they've thought it was a hairnet. And you walk in and you're and they thought, oh, man. Pudic hairnet. Pudic hairnet. And you walk in and you're like, oh, honey, no. But do you tell them or do you just kind of go, okay.

Let them get away with it. Yeah. I feel like it's a bit mean to just leave them there with a hairnet with, like, leg holes. At least it's not used. Yeah, that's right. Tony, what do you want to say? So with the underwear thing, so this is a tough one.

So I always wear high-waisted underwear, like always. Like I never, you know, when you're 20 you wear G-strings every day, but I don't wear it. Welcome to the real world, mate. You know what I mean. And so I've been in the awkward situation a couple of times where they've like moved down my back and then, like, folded my underwear down.

But, you know, as you, like, fold pants, you, like, pull it up. So, like, you kind of pull it up. If you're not wearing a G-string, they'll make a G-string for you. Yeah, they make a G-string and they roll it down. And I'm always like, oh, sorry, like, high underwear. They go, oh, washing day. I go, no, this is the washing day. Yes, these are fresh.

Like I chose these. Is that a mistake? You know, and then you get underwear shamed at the massage place. Is that a mistake? No, no, no. You wear what you want, honey. You do you. The only thing is if you are like if they're super high-waisted

and you're massaging the lower back, you've got to pull them like you've got to but then doesn't it like this happens to me as well like when you pull them down to kind of like hip height then it creates like a nice little muffin top and i'm like what's this massaging rolls there yeah i know and then they're like it's like you're at a bakery instead of a massage place they They're rubbing my dolly butt. I once had this guy. This was when I was working on cruise ships so many, many years ago, and we were out in Mexico. And this is just like being at a bakery reminded me of this. This little guy had obviously had way too many pina coladas by the pool deck,

and he was burnt to a crisp like below pastry crisp so as i was saying that how i said like with the um hair getting caught in my fingers it was his skin you know like crispy and he was like a little philo pastry dannyVito and it was one of the worst things I've ever touched. Like crispy yet soft and squishy. Wow. Well, I think we might leave it there. Yeah, thanks, Katie. Appreciate that. Oh, Katie, fuck, that is harrowing.

Well, at least you didn't leave your pastry there. Yeah. You took that with you. Went to Baker's Delight after. Katie, I think thank you for your help. You're welcome. I'm glad that it wasn't I think thank you for your help. You're welcome. I'm glad that it wasn't too bad for you, Ryan. It's actually one of your stories not as awful as the rest of them.

And you didn't shit on anyone's towel. Yeah, all towels were left untouched. Yeah. I appreciate that. Hey, this is The Big Twig and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion typers over at our Patreon. You can check that out at any single time that you would like. It's Wednesday today, new blog.

The internet is turned on. I was going to say three o'clock this afternoon, Australian Melbourne time. New blog from the desk of Dr Tony Lodge. Are we still doctoring? Yep. Yep. Great. Just wanted to check.

You better believe it. I didn't go to bloody medical school. I didn't go to medical school. I didn't go to medical school. I didn't go to medical school. Full stop. Correct. Dave MCG or McG.

McG. He's at the MCG watching the footy. Correct. Dave MCG or McG. McG. He's at the MCG watching the footy. Sweet. Ross McQuillan Johnson, Becca Keegan and Christian Fox. Meow. Oh, no, that's a cat. You've done that a few times. What sound does a fox make? What does a fox say?

Ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, Fuck, what an awful song. Ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, What does the fox say? Ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, ning, Anyway. Give us a follow on Spotify as well. Oh, yeah. That's an awful song. What does the fox say? Anyway. Give us a follow on Spotify as well. Hit the follow button.

Hit follow on Spotify. We'll come up for you every single day. But this podcast is daily. Every single day. Every single day. Monday to Friday, TTR. So Tony walks into the office this morning and she's all revved up and fucked off. She's holding a package. The package was on my desk.

Okay. The package was on the desk. You walked in and picked it up and said, let me fucking tell you what the fucking post office has done. And I sat down and rubbed my hands together. I was like, you tell me, sister, because I'm fucking ready to hear this because the post office needs to lift. It's corruption, I think.

Yeah. So normally the problem with the post office is that the package doesn't come. But the package was on my desk and I saw it and was reminded of the red hot fury that I have inside. So my best friends, Jag and Lane, they live in New Zealand. Oh, that's interesting because I'm actually sitting right here. My colleague. Okay, go on.

So I wanted to send them a book. Your book? My brand new book. Yep. I Don't Need Therapy and Other Lives I Told Myself. Out soon. Out soon. And I wanted them to have copies like before you could buy them

because they're very important to me and so i sent them one book each i wrote like a note on the inside of each of them and like a a note to them like a little letter to them i wanted them to get there asap as possible before it was released to the public before it was released that That exclusive fresh feel. I want them to have it before anybody else can have it. Yep. Sorry, I'm just so fucking angry. I went to the post office at Vic Gardens, the shopping centre. I went in there.

I was posting two things. One thing was a card for Lynn, who is part of our Patreon. Hang on. Didn't you send that in October? No. Started making it in October. Finished it last week and I was going to send it. Fuck.

Have you kept Lynn updated? No. But Lynn, the card's coming. It might actually already be there. We promised her that so long ago. And it's coming. It's the fucking post office. I sent that last October and it hasn't even come yet.

I don't think so. Whose fucking side are you on? Well, okay. The post office or Tony. Okay. So I went to the counter and I've got Lynn's beautiful handmade card and two books and a piece of paper. And I said, hi, how are you going?

This card needs to go to Belgium. Great. And they go, okay, do you need to be able to track it? And I was like, nah, it's just card post, so I think it's fine. And she goes, okay, cool. And I go, these two books, though, need to go to New Zealand. Great. And she went, great.

And I said, and I'd like express and tracked because- These ones are important. These ones are important and I want them to get there fucking yesterday. Yep. And she goes, oh, perfect. She passes me like one of those like big A4 like cardboard envelopes with the airmail thing for like international. And then she passes me an Australia Post express satchel.

Right. And where does express go? Well, so you can do express anywhere. Right. And where does Express go? Well, so you can do Express anywhere, but on the satchel, it says Express post for inside Australia. Where's New Zealand?

Outside Australia. So it's not inside Australia? I wouldn't have thought so. Did you? So I said, oh, and because I don't like confrontation. No. So I just went like, oh, and yep, so this one's for Belgium and this one's definitely for New Zealand. And she goes, yep, that'll be $25 or whatever.

And I was like, okay, obviously. You know how like Australia and New Zealand kind of considered like the same thing? I was like maybe our post service like extends to there. Fucking who? I don't know. I'm not a fucking postmaster general. I don't fucking know.

Well, it sounds like you are. I could be. Apparently no one needs to fucking know anything to work there. Anyway, so like I start writing up the address on the thing because you like I had all my shit and then I like poked it all in and I made sure it was all sealed up and I put my return address on the back and I hand it to her and I was like, cool, this is the one because I still wasn't really sure, but and I handed it to her and I was like, cool, this is the one

because I still wasn't really sure but she assured me it was okay. I was like, cool, so here's the one for Belgium and I was like, and here's the one for New Zealand and held up the bag and she goes, yeah, and took them off me. Because you don't like confrontation and you'd already once said, oh, hang on, this is good for New Zealand, right? Just double checking. Do you feel like once you've already once said, oh, hang on, this is good for New Zealand. Just double checking. Do you feel like once you've asked once,

even if you can fucking see it written in plain English, are you done asking? Well, so I said it again. I was like, and this is the one for New Zealand. She went, yeah. But like, yeah, I think you're. I don't want to be rude, but like. Are you sure?

It just says inside of something. Because I can't double check with her. And I'm like, you work at the post office. I actually think she owns it. You know what you're doing. So I'm like, I'm obviously, I'm not trying to be a dick. Obviously, you know, and I'm missing something, whatever. So I scanned, like, you know how when you post something with tracking,

it's got like a QR code. Oh, Torbs knows all about it. It went through Kentucky. You don't need to tell us. Well, it didn't even fucking get to Kentucky. I scanned the little QR code. Oh, Torbs knows all about it. It went through Kentucky. You don't need to tell us. Well, it didn't even fucking get to Kentucky. I scanned the little QR code. Yep. And then it added straight to my post app and I could see that it was in Richmond,

like that it had been scanned in by them. And I was like, okay, great. And then there was like really bad floods in Auckland. Yeah, of course. And so I kept checking like the tracking because I was just really excited for them to get these books, right? Yeah. I kept refreshing and checking the tracking and it just said

that it was still in Richmond. And I was like, oh, the fucking floods. Obviously they can't do airmail right now. The international airports closed. That fucking makes sense. Yep, I can wear that one. Yeah, so I was like, fuck, that sucks. I really want them to get it but obviously it's just stuck

in, like, a backlog of shit that needs to get over the ditch. Anyway, then I get a notification this morning uh or yesterday afternoon sorry that says your package has been delivered and i was like oh my god it didn't even tell me that it had moved it's got there bang and then it said like delivered in richmond and i was like oh obviously it's like fucked it up Like they haven't scanned it through all the points or the tracking didn't work or something. And then I realised they've dropped it off at the office at the return address that I put on the thing. But that's not where your friends are.

And it's also not where she said that the parcel would fucking go because on the front there's a bloody address that says Auckland, not fucking Richmond, not Tony's office in Richmond. Was there a reason why it had been sent to you? So then there's like a big sticker they've plastered over the front that says like this bag is not for international travel, you stupid bitch, is what it says. Direct quote?

Yeah, that's what the post says. Did it say something like did you check what it said on the fucking bag? It said how dare you try and send this overseas? How dare you try and pull a swift one? On the Australian Postal Network. Yeah, on the Australia only bag and expect to get the high, which I'm assuming the international bag was more expensive. Well, yeah, but that's fine.

It's not as if I was like, I need it to be there, express for under $5. She's fucking good for it. But I was just like, I need these fucking books to get there. Bitch, I drive an Audi. I should have just driven them to fucking Auckland. Would have been easier. If your Audi couldn't make it.

Yeah, why would you have an Audi if you can't do that? Exactly. It's an Audi aqueduct. Anyway, and so now the books are here. The books aren't in Auckland. And I'm going to have to go back down there and pay again. No, you will not be paying again. Yeah, I'm going to have to pay. I'm going to have to buy another bag there and, like, pay again. No, you will not be paying again. Yeah, I'm going to have to pay.

I'm going to have to buy another bag. What's this girl's name? I don't know. Hey, Jill. Jill? Oh, my God, that is such a name of someone that works at the post office. Jill, I'm really sorry to do this, and genuinely,

but last week I came in here and specifically said this needs to go to New Zealand, and I paid money because I said this needs to go to New Zealand. And I paid money because I trusted you to get this to New Zealand. Oh, that is fucking aggressive. Unfortunately, it appears that you've selected the wrong bag. Emphasise you. Yeah. Because you don't pick it off the wall.

They hand it to you. Yeah. So it's not like you picked up the wrong thing. Yeah. You dumb bitch. No. And you were quite specific multiple times. So from my point of view, you've paid for a service that they're yet to deliver.

No pun intended. But the thing is, is that I'm not going to do that. Like I'm not going to go in there. Which is why we'll go together. And they aren't going to remember me anyway. Like as long as you go in there and go, do you remember me from last week? They go, thousands of people coming here today. When you walk in and go, see how it says New Zealand there and see how this says Australia only?

Clearly you've given me the wrong bag. Now, I know that it might cost a little bit extra. Maybe I can just pay the difference, but I've already paid you $25. I would never. We'll go together. What are your options? What are you going to do? What was your natural response?

Get angry. And take it out on Cam your natural response? Get angry and then go. And take it out on Cam and I in the office. I did not take it out on you guys. I shared my displeasure with the post office. Go back down there, probably to a different post office, if I'm honest, and then resend it. Because a different post office, they're not going to fund some other post office mistake.

But then maybe I just wear that. No. For the awkwardness. It's the year of honesty. It's the year of standing up for yourself. It's the year of boundaries. Are we sure? Are we still doing that?

It's the year. Are we sure? It's the year of you knowing that you aren't one who's going to be taken advantage of. Because you deserve better than that. That's really... You've written a fucking book. Did you say, these are mine? Oh, yeah, is that really bad?

You walk in holding your own books? So I had to hold the books and then they're like, well, we have to weigh them. And so I put them on and it's obviously me on the cover. It says my name. Pretty heavy, full of knowledge. Yeah. Pretty heavy, full of great content.

Yeah. She goes, oh, there's two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit embarrassing. But I don't think she was really concentrating, which is obviously – I can fucking tell. Which is why I got the wrong fucking bag. I don't think –

I think there's a way to – because obviously you don't want to be a dick about it, but they've also stuffed up and it's – I think it's their responsibility to fix their problem. But they're not going to remember. It's not about remembering. You've got the – it's written on the thing. No, but they're not going to remember. It's not about remembering. It's written on the thing. No, but they're just going to be like, well, you obviously got the wrong thing.

But you got it. Yeah, I know. But how can I prove, though, that they gave me the wrong thing? Didn't you say she grabs the bag? Yeah, it comes from behind the counter. I know, I know. Listen to yourself. Yeah, I just don't want to make a fuss.

She's not some hairdresser you're going to dump. I just don't want to make a fuss. She's not some hairdresser you're going to dump. I just don't want to make a fuss. Do I just buy the new bag? No, because this year. At least the books came back. Imagine if they were lost forever. Okay, so I sent some Tony and Ryan thank you cards to people in Europe in Poland and they came back ten weeks later and they looked like they'd

been through a fucking war. We actually had to throw them out. Yeah, they were fucked. They were fucked. So the books are still in good nick? Well, I haven't opened the bag, but, yeah, they feel okay. And the bag doesn't look like it's been smashed up or anything. To be honest, it travelled about 600 metres down the fucking road,

so I'd be pretty disappointed. In 12 days? Yeah. It's done 50 metres a day. Yeah, it's not very fit. It needs to get on the treadmill and fucking give it another hot crack. Let's head down there. And we're not going to be rude.

We're not going to be dicks. But we, because I'm involved now, obviously, have paid for a service. And we're going to receive that service. Okay. Tomorrow on the show. Ooh. You'll know. The postal update.

Now, I suggest. I don't know. See, this has just put like a hot lead in my belly and now I'm anxious. No, they put a hot lead in your belly because we felt the wrath of it this morning when you turned up. Now, what I would suggest is to, you know how actors kind of like get in the zone of their character? Method acting. Yeah. Yeah.

I reckon don't take this. I don't like to cause a scene. Leave that character back. Okay. All right. Actually, this is great. Yeah. What should I start preparing for?

Remember how you felt this morning when you were standing over me and Cam yelling at us? Okay. That did not happen. That's an exaggeration. Remember how you felt then? Channel that rage. Channel your friends who have survived a fucking flood and they're like, oh my God, I only survived so I could read Tony's book.

Where is it? It's not fucking there because Jill fucking didn't do her job. Poor Jill. No, not poor Jill, actually. And I don't think I want to channel rage. I think I want to channel disappointment. Oh, that cuts deep. I say, Jill, I'm, you know.

I spent a year writing this, Jill. Jill, this has been a really long process. I'd really love for my best friends who are like family. And mentioned in the book. Many times. To get a copy of this. And she'll be heartbroken. Yeah.

She'll want to resign. She'll probably start crying. And I'll be like, before you quit your job, get me the fucking right bag. For free, Jill. Yes. And fucking make it snappy.

Yes. No, that's rude. I wouldn't do that. Click fingers. I'm not going to click any fingers. And actually, you know what's going to happen? I'm going to go down there and go, Hi, Jill, I'll get six of these bags, please.

I'll pay for them on card. If you come back tomorrow and I found out you've bought the post office. I'm a franchisee. I see. All right, watch this space. But I think people will agree with me that, like I said, you've actually paid for a service that they haven't. They still owe you a book delivery to New Zealand.

Two. Two books. And if anyone asks me who they're still waiting for their Frank Green, this is purely about Tony's book and not about any other shipping. Don't click on us. We can't help you. What's your love of set? All right, so sometime over the next week

we're going to be talking about the pettiest things you've seen or done. Yes. And my love to say I wanted to wet your whistle with this one. This is a tweet I saw from Brian L and it says Good morning. Morning. A hacker has stolen my Spotify premium

account and every time I try and change the song, he plays Fuck You by CeeLo Green. That's awesome. I hate him but somehow admire him also. Yeah, same. Doesn't that just sound like your ex-girlfriend still has access to your Netflix or your Spotify Premium and they're hitting next and watching the fucking

Barbie Fairy movies to fuck up your shit? Yeah, that's such a good one. Yeah, so I did put a post in our Facebook group last week asking for any petty shit that you've seen or done. I'd love for you to share it on the thread and we'll read some good ones over the next week. Thank you so much. Can you open your phone?

I've just texted you. I want you to watch the video and describe what's happening because I love to see this. It's beautiful. I'm just opening it. Oh, it looks like a dog at a market. The dog goes around the farmer's market and shops for its owner. You can see her touching the food she wants

and then the store owner puts it in the basket. She picks it up and takes it to the next one and does the same thing. Oh, and the dog's picking up the basket. Because the owner, like, can't make it to get the food. Taps on them to get their attention and then they put the food in the bag. All the fresh food. Oh, some little oranges. Isn't that the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life?

Oh, and when the worker gave her the wrong oranges, she tapped again and said, no, not the other ones. What a smart dog. So smart. Do you reckon Pip could do that? No. Oh, yeah. She a smart dog. So smart. Do you reckon Pip could do that? No. Oh, yeah. She's so smart.

If you sent her to the shops, what would she come back with? Actually, first question, would she come back? Probably not. Pip, can you go get me this? Yeah, mate, whatever you want. Yeah, whatever you need, Mum. And then she'd just wait and get lots of cuddles in the street and then she wouldn't come back.

Or someone wouldn't cuddle her for five minutes and she'd come and find me. Because that's what she does on a walk. Right. She's, like, sat down on a walk before because we haven't crossed paths with anyone for, like, five or ten minutes and no one's rubbed her tummy. So she's like, I'm fucking out. So she just sits down and she goes, well, I've got no energy.

She's like Tinkerbell, like, she needs attention or she'll die. Scratching bellies is her Gatorade. Yeah, literally, yeah. Her electrolyte is attention. Far out. Well, imagine if you get a text message and it's from Jag and Lane in New Zealand. And they're like, oh, Tony, thanks for the book. And you're like, what? And then you go to the freezer and you're like, what's all this food? And then you look at Pip and she's just like nodding, going, yeah, dog. I just had the most incredible image of Pippa like swimming in the ocean. Oh, I meant she went over and sorted out Jill.

Oh, I thought you meant she took the books to New Zealand. She took the pups up. She got on the stand-up paddle board. Pups upped over. I wouldn't have thought so. If you go to New Zealand, I'll count that as two swims. As two paddles. Because I'll fall off between.

Does getting off and getting on count? No, no, no. And you can't go to the same in one session. Oh, fuck. What if I deflate it and then pump it back up? Nah. Surely. That's two setups. Nah, you need to go home.

Oh. Um. Oh, that's it. We're fucking out of here. Yeah, fucking great. We'll let you know about the post office tomorrow. Stay tuned. Bye.

Love you.