Toni and Ryan - Pranks Gone Wrong

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Things you can say whilst PARKING THE CAR and also in the bedroom! Plus AWFUL pranks gone wrong. Love ya! Toni xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. Hello? Demelza, it's Tony and Ryan. Oh, hi. Hi.

Have we called Europe in the middle of the night again? Yeah, sorry, I forgot. Oh, that's okay. We forgot that it was the middle of the night. Have I mispronounced your name? How do I say it properly? It's Demelza. Well, Ryan got it right for once.

For once? That's good. Yeah, amazing. We've got a Demelza. Well, Ryan got it right for once. For once? That's good. Amazing. Yeah, amazing. We've got a Demelza in distress. That is hilarious. Thank you. And I bet that poor Demelza has never heard that before. Never, ever.

Where do we find you and what time is it? Apart from bed, obviously. Yeah. You find me in Leiden in the Netherlands and it's 10 past 4am. We've got to find some new times to do this. Sorry about that Demelza. Well, before we

let you go back to bed, do you mind approving this podcast? Yes. Legend. Alright. Go back to bed now. Thanks Demelza. Thank you so much though. We really appreciate to bed now. Thanks, Demelza. Thank you so much, though. We really appreciate it. Thank you.

Hi, it's Demelza from the Netherlands, and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Hello. Tomorrow on the show may be the final ever Tony Lodge fact. After a controversial and, to be honest, shit fact last week that midnight is called midnight because it's in the middle of the night, it's all come down to this. If tomorrow's fact is good, then the fact segment stays.

So you've just like blown the whole excitement of tomorrow now? Have I? Well, now people know what's at stake. Well, they know what's at stake, but they're waiting for your fact. And considering you've got all of the internet, all of the facts in the entire world, and you know what's riding on it, I personally am excited for how great your fact is going to be tomorrow. Not a lot makes me stressed about, like, this job.

Like, in my life, like, lots of things make me stressed. But doing this is, like, the most fun I ever have. I was sweating bullets at my computer last night trying to find, like... Have you selected the fact? I have. And how are you feeling about it? We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Hope it's good because it seems like it's going to be the last one. All right. That's tomorrow. Today, though, things you can say while parking the car and also in the bedroom. Rawr. Beep, beep. Is that one on? No. No. Also in the bedroom. Is that one on? No.

No. Fuck. I hope you've got insurance. I hope they've got insurance. I hope they've got insurance. I hope this shopping centre has insurance. Yeah, that bollard just came out of nowhere. I like to film everything just in case I need it later for insurance purposes.

Do you have one of those dash cams? Yeah. On the tip of my knob. It just spits into the microphone. It was the term knob, I think. Yeah. I don't know how I feel about it. It's a bit aggressive, isn't it?

That's new from you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm trying it out. Me too. Trying out your knob. Oh, no, I don't like it.

Ooh, she's a tight squeeze. I've heard that before. Have you? Yeah. I haven't. Which side do you want me to rub on first? Rub on? Well, I can't reach both sides when I'm in there.

I see. I see what you mean. Pick a wall. Yeah, right. It's the toothpick, not the hallway. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. My mum taught me how to do this when I was 16.

Did she? Yeah. taught me how to do this when I was 16. Did she? Did she? Fuck, don't even. Don't even. See, I've got lots of things I can say, but I don't want to say them. Say it.

So she taught you how to do stick. She taught me everything I know. And isn't half Melbourne better for it? Back it up. Back it up. Bit more. Bit more. Oh, there it is.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Few more inches. Few more inches. Whoa. Whoa. Made as if you've got A few more inches. Yeah. A few more inches. Whoa, whoa. Made as if you've got a few more inches. Yeah, that's all of it.

That's all of it. Oh, but don't scratch me backside. When I was younger, you never had to pay for this. Oh, don't speed when you back it out or you'll be burning rubber. What? What? With this new technology, no hands. Oh, that's very funny. This is for when somebody else indicates after you've already been indicating,

like when you're waiting at a spot and someone else is like, oh, I'll take that. And you go, no, this one's mine. Have you ever had to say that? No. No one's ever had to say it about me either. Torb says that to me all the time. Are you sure you don't want this spot?

It's free. You can go in. Anyone's welcome. I'm just going to pop in for a quick minute. Leave the car running. I'll be right back. Oh, no, the batteries are flat. I hate it when you're ready to go and it won't start. It won't start. Yeah. I hate that. You've left the headlights

on. Do you reckon you can move it a little bit to the right? Oh, have I not put it in the right spot? No, not up, I mean. I'm here for click and collect, so if you just get the stuff and shove it in your trunk, I'll be on my way. Click and collect? Well, not dick and collect.

I reckon there's a few people. In fact, every friendship group there's someone that should be nicknamed click and collect that should be their new name and it's for the person in your group that expects to just rock up and have someone stick something in their trunk there's always one

I like the look of that people mover. Yeah, because it's going to be moving me all night. I should call you the people mover because I can get six people in you. You can get thousands, actually. Oh, that was actually fun. That's the funnest fuck thing you've ever said. That's not true. Sorry, that is in the the far most fucked thing you've ever said. That's not true.

Sorry, that is in the top 100 most fucked things you've ever said. That's bad. I think it was the hand gesture and the, it was very physical and graphic. Yeah, because I was talking about the semen. Oh, I normally don't kiss the bumper. Oh, it was is a little one. Yeah.

Oh, sorry, mate. Fuck, we've been here for a while. It is going to be expensive. Worth it, though? Probably not. It's like when you lose your ticket. You have to pay for overnight. Oh, fuck, I've come in the back entrance.

Shit. I promised myself I wouldn't do this. The consequences from last time were diabolical. Better than coming in the front when you don't expect it. That's true. You've got to pull out. Better than coming in the front when you don't expect it. That's true.

You've got to pull out. It says it's a two-hour zone. What am I going to do for the other hour and 57 minutes? This is by Emma Warne. I always get nervous doing this when there's a heap of other people watching. Like when you're trying to parallel park out the front of a cafe. Oh, fuck it. No, drive home.

Start again. Make an instant. Yeah. Get a Makona, mate. You're done. Don't you hate it? Don't you hate it when you rock off and you go, oh, there's a little slot I could put it in?

And then you get a little bit closer and you realise there's already a little one in it? Or a bloody motorbike. There's a bike in there. I'll never fit in with that in there already. A bike taking up a whole slot? That's very funny. Can you just let me know if it's close? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Oh, watch the airbags. You'll set them right off. This is me pretending to be driving. Okay. But also walking into a bedroom. I mean, we should call the segment things you can say in a car park and also in the bedroom. Yeah.

Oh, did you look at that arsehole? Very casual road rager. Yeah. Oh, I'm having trouble getting this started. We're going to have to call for some assistance. Trevor? Is that the RAC? Can you just bring that thing around, plug it in,

and we'll just give it a jump start? Started. We're off. Here we go. Let's make this kitty purr. Why is that a thing that is... I have no idea. It's funny, though.

No, that's what I mean. It's the funny... But then you just... Who was the first fucking bloke in the 60s talking about his shit muscle car? Yeah. That went... Those cuties per...

That's good. Yeah, thank you. That was audio queen-esque. Yeah, thank you. Audio, she's all right. Hi, it's the Mouser from the Netherlands and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. I'm asking if they...

I'm asking if they can do a few of our champion tampons. You fucking lost it, man. Champion tampons. A big thank you to a few of our champion tampons. Bobby Johans, Carl Bandt, Alexis Tillisser, Julian Plant, Joshua Merillat, Sydney Stadden, Lindsay Duvall, Julie Tebow and Thomas Ashley. Thank you so much. Last week, Brie changed her last name in the group to Cheese

and we didn't even notice. I did not even. And thank you to Brie Cheese. I didn't even notice. Neither did I. And I was going through and replied to heaps of Patreon messages the other day and literally people are joining and being like, hey, when you get to my name, this is how you pronounce it

so you don't fuck it up. How do you feel about that? Are they doing us a favour or is it a bit passive aggressive? To be honest, because there are so many people, I read a lot of names so I don't remember. I can't be expected that you go, oh, one person says this thing. When you say breechees, it's actually berrari choza. Yeah.

How am I supposed to know that? But, like, I try my best. And your best isn't good enough. And that's, you know, take it or leave it. And here we are. Hey, I try my best to be a broadcaster. I still can't fucking talk that well. I'm really trying.

But we're doing our best. I'm really fucking trying. I appreciate you trying. And you're trying really fucking well and I'm proud of you. Thank you. I just feel like I'm letting everybody down before I've even gotten a chance to fuck it up because people are like, oh, my name's John Smith, just letting you know it's pronounced John Smith.

I'm like, well, that's an easy one. Well, now you've named John Smith and how he feels bad. Yeah, sorry, John Smith. All right. Anyway, as you can tell, we love a joke. We love a laugh. Just a barrel of laughs. A barrel of laughs.

A loaf of laughs. Baker's a fresh loaf of laughs. Yeah. But we've talked about on this podcast before about how we're not prank people. We're not prank people. And I think I've also mentioned on this podcast that I'm, like, really scared of stuff, especially the dark. Really?

Yeah, I'm, like, super scared of the dark, except I like to pretend that it is this beautiful philosophical thing, like I'm afraid of the unknown, not that I'm scared of the dark, because it's not as if I'm thinking that some person with a hook hand is going to come out of the dark. Like, I get that, but it's like what could it be? What could it be? Or you may have realised this the other night.

Yeah. So you and I shared a taxi home from dinner. Yes. And it could have made sense that I got dropped off first, but I was like no, I'm not going to leave Tony in a dark place in the car by herself, so we'll drop her off first. Oh, thank you. In your well-lit driveway with your friend Ryan and see it's not just you

and the, you know, some man in the dark together. Really appreciate that. You're welcome. I mean, it kind of both kind of makes sense because they're both equal ways away from each other. Yeah, but it makes me sound like less of a hero if we mention that. We went right out of the way for me to get dropped off there. In fact, it makes a lot more sense to drop you off first.

It does. Yeah. But again. Also, I wanted you to pay. Because I always forget this, right, because I get an Uber most of the time because you can order it, you can do it in advance, it just comes off your card, you don't have to pay when you're getting out. It's so easy.

I always forget in a taxi. And only recently, you and I were coming back from the city. This was a few weeks ago. We were coming back from the city. We dropped you off first. You had an appointment somewhere. And then it dropped me off. And I literally just got out of the car.

And the guy was like, oh, miss. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, you have to pay. Didn't he think you were doing a runner? Well, I think, I mean, probably. But I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And then. And you're just walking up.

Yeah, mate, I'll give you a five-star review. Yeah, all good, mate. All good. But before I'd realised, I said, sorry, I normally get an Uber. And then I sounded like more of an arsehole because I'm like, sorry, I normally travel with your competitor. And I've had to lower my standards to travel with someone like you. Also, where you get dropped off at your house.

Yeah. Is like a premium set setup to do a runner because you can go through the back and run off and they can't follow you in the car. Because it like jumps down. Yeah. So if you were going to do a runner. Which I would never, ever do. And, of course, I don't know what I'm talking about

because this sounds fucking foreign to me. But I'm always iron off spots. You know that little laneway that goes from my house through to PJ's old street? Yes. Is that not designed to do runners from cabs? Yes. Thank you.

And it's quite, like, it's a bit windy as well. Like, you'd never be able to find out where it came out the other side. Just drop me off here, mate. Yeah, and then fucking biff out. Yeah, all good. Anyway, totally off topic. How many times have you done a runner from a cab? I've never done it.

Oh, I almost did it that one time. But, no, I'm not very fast. I feel like that catch me pretty quickly. My athletic prowess is less than my ability to survive in jail, so I just pay the toll. Yeah, so I'd rather just pay for it. I can't imagine doing it. I'd feel really bad.

Like I've never left a restaurant without paying. I've never like done anything like that. Not even like in a walkout situation. What do you mean? Like the food's so terrible you're just like, I'm leaving. Absolutely not. I'm the arsehole that bitches at the table and goes like, oh, they messed up my order or whatever, but then they come over

and they go, how was everything? I go, oh, my God. I've never had a better fucking chicken sandwich, even though I ordered the soup. Like, this is amazing. Anyway, so I'm like pretty scared of the dark and I don't really like, I don't like being scared. I don't like watching scary movies.

Like, I'm not a big fan of that shit. Anyway, my day job, which I'm almost finished at, I'm currently handing over to the person who's replacing me. And he and I have gotten along really well, but I normally work from home and I've been working in the office this week because we're like patching up and doing all the stuff. I work seven till three. So I start really early in the morning.

And is it dark when you go there? Yeah, it's like at the moment because it's winter in Melbourne, it's pitch black outside and it's kind of in like an office building and there's no one else around. All the lights are off. Like you're kind of like feeling your way through the dark in a building. So this is like someone who doesn't like the dark.

It's my worst fucking nightmare. Like I don't. Employment or? Having to go to work is my worst nightmare. So I drove to work. I parked in the garage. So I'm already shitting myself because it's dark. I go up, like travel in the elevator, go through,

have to turn the alarm off, turn the lights on in the building and everything. Oh, so proper first in. I'm like the first person. But because my job is cutting audio, I'm sitting there with like my headphones on. Oh, God. And I was like, I don't really want to put my headphones on

because I can't be aware of like what's around me. I need to be aware of my surroundings, yeah. So on the way in, I turned the alarm off and stuff, but I locked the door behind me because I was like then like I don't have to worry. And you can't escape when the killer arrives, yeah. No, but there's not, unless the killer was already in the office. Waiting for you.

Oh, my God. Okay. Well, luckily that's not where this story is going. But anyway, so like I locked the door because I was like, then I'm safe. I've turned every single fucking light on because I was too scared not to. Anyway, and I've talked about one of the guys from work, Tang, before, and I get along with him pretty well.

I'm sitting at my desk, headphones on, the door's locked, I'm like all safe. He walks in. My back was to the door. There's your first mistake. He walks in and scares me. What? How old is this guy?

Mid-30s. Oh, so he's not seven? No. Who just comes up behind someone and scares them? Thank you. Did he sort of go, huh? He goes like, ah! What? And like grabbed me by the shoulders. No, sort of goes, huh. He goes like, ah. What? And, like, grabbed me by the shoulders.

No, workplace, that's bullying. My headphones were plugged into my laptop, and because I went like this, my headphone cable ripped out of my laptop. My laptop smashed to the ground. Like, it fell off the table because I went like that. It was connected and you pulled the cord, yeah. And it just, like, flipped off the table.

My glasses flew off my face because I just like that. It was connected and you pulled the cord, yeah. And it just like flipped off the table. My glasses flew off my face because I just like freaked out. Yeah, your whole body's spasming. And instantly I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah. As someone who has accidentally startled Tony, you are aggressive. I don't like things. It's not good. And it's not like, oh, it got me.

No. It was more like. What the fuck? Like I'm angry, instantly angry and instantly fucked up. It's like five past seven in the morning. Yeah. Like this Monday fucking morning, this is how you decide. Monday morning.

Monday morning at 7am. I don't like the tang of this. No, it's not good. Anyway, so he does that. I scream and yell and instantly fucking hit one billion on the angry meter. Tony is a zero to 100 type, by the way. Then realise, like, this is okay.

And you remembered where you were. Yeah, I'm at work. I need to act cool. So I went, what the fuck? So I've gone, what the fuck? And then I went the fuck and then I went mate that was like really scary got me yeah and he was like bro you should have seen your face I was like I'm gonna kill you hey mate I was here I didn't need to see my face I experienced it and then instantly the content creator in me was like did you film it he? He was like, what do you mean?

I was like, well, I'm at least going to get some fucking content out of it. Yeah, I need something on the internet that's not me putting soap in my vagina. Did you film this scare? Yeah. Like, did you, you know? No. What the fuck's the point then?

I don't understand the point. What's the point of a prank which went terribly wrong if there's nothing even like to show for it? Tang needs to lift. But like, read the room. It's fucking, it's pitch black. I mean the office alone had, you know, it's not as if like he went, oh, I'm going to scare you and like gave me a warning shot.

Like he said nothing and genuinely scared me. But who fucking does that? One girl alone in the fucking office. Yeah, I mean anytime there's a girl alone, you're sort of like, hey, just be cool. Even just take the wide berth. If I'm walking on the street and it's just me and another random girl, I'll cross the road because I'm like.

Because you're like, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. And I would probably do that with anyone, to be honest. And you know what I probably wouldn't do? Scare them. Walk up to that one girl who's alone and go. Yeah, because that would be a fucked thing to do. Did you look him in the eye? Tang, isn't it? Yes. Look at Tang in the eye and go, ah! Yeah, because that would be a fucked thing to do. Did you look him in the eye? Tang, isn't it?

Yes. Look at Tang in the eye and go, this is the kind of thing that's making me want to leave. Drop the load on him. I did actually say, you know what, fuck this, I quit. That's funny from you. Yeah, thanks. That is funny.

Which is a great joke when you've quit on good terms. Yeah. It's not a good joke when you haven't quit on good terms. Like if you have actually quit because people keep scaring you and then you say, this is why I fucking quit. But surely if that was the case, then that would be warranted because he's done the thing that made me quit in the first place. Read the room.

Read the room, bro. Read the room. I'm with you. I'm with you. I just think, yeah. Oh. And I just was so hot and angry. And then I you. I just think, yeah. And I just was so hot and angry and then I was like,

be cool, Tony. This is fine. You know what someone said about this podcast? What? They like that we aren't like out to get each other and prank each other. Yeah, I like that too because I don't like being scared. I don't like that. I don't like being scared. It's not my, I just don't think it's funny. I don't like being tricked. No, I hate being

tricked. If I wanted to be tricked, I'd go and see David Copperfield. But no, I'm doing a podcast. I like to know what's going on. David Copperfield? Yeah, the magician who married Claudia Schiffer. Um, let me tell you. I'm just going to let it go. Well, he let her go after a few years.

Copperfield. Yeah. Um, I'll tell you why I'm off pranks. Why? Because of that obviously, because you're my personal very good friend. That's confirmed while I'm off pranks. Yeah. Why I'm fully off pranks is

when I grew up, it was kind of like the jackass era. You know, Steve-O, Johnny Knoxville, just like skater boys being like bad, like thinking they were cool because they were like messing stuff up. But I mean, yeah, I don't like inconveniencing others, but at least with Jackass most of the time it was them just hurting each other.

So that's what me and my friends got into because you see these guys going, oh, whatever, and for some reason bush jumping was a thing. What's bush jumping? All right, sound it out. What do you reckon it is by the name of it? Just like jumping into a bush? Yeah. Like off a roof or just like in general?

Off anything, into anything. Parkour. Kind of, but parkour land on their feet. This is just launching yourself because I guess if you kind of wrapped jackass up into a ball, it would be like idiots hurting themselves for the entertainment of others, right? And it does at the beginning of the show say... Do not try this at home.

Guess what I did? Tried it at home. So me and my mates would be like, oh, how funny is this? Let's just launch off that thing and jump into that bush. What the fuck? Have a look. You are so stupid. Have a look.

So when I jumped into a bush, I jumped directly into a stick. So the stick went straight into my finger when I was 12. How old am I now? 34. Yeah. So that's 26 years ago. Yeah. Have a look at that finger.

Whoa, that's a really deep scar. Yeah. Where's that from that? From bush jumping. Okay. Well, my scarring. And from that from that? From bush jumping. Okay. Well, my scarring. And from that moment on, I said. Mine's emotional scarring.

So it's a bit worse than yours. No more. No more pranking and scarring. Didn't expect to see Weezy today. Oh, all right. Well, I mean, aside from all of that, Ryan, what did you love to see? There's a debacle about an arsehole. Like an actual arsehole.

Tony, have a look at the new logo of Linktree. And by the way, when you go to our link in bio to get a link to... It's a Linktree. It's a Linktree. This is the new logo. Oh, she spat water out of her mouth. Tony has just spat water on the studio floor. No, I didn't.

I fucking thought the cameras are rolling, mate. Well, sorry, just then when I was screaming about being scared, I saw I had a bit of water. Are you serious? That's actually the thing? Let me read the article from Pedestrian TV, which is my favourite website, by the way, because listen to the commentary. The new Linktree logo looks like a butthole. That's the headline. Champion of Link in bio

and lover of a green colour scheme, Linktree has unveiled its new logo. In doing so, however, the company has revealed it clearly doesn't employ gays because the new image looks like a butthole getting rammed. Yep. Look at it for at least two minutes and tell me with a straight face it doesn't look like a butthole. I can't.

You cannot. Oh, sorry. And what's that at the bottom? That's either a poop coming out or a peen going in, a real picky poison situation. Who the hell designed this? On the Grinch. The new design was by design firm Collins,

who also made the Spotify logo. And as I continue reading the article, apparently they pride themselves on drawing black lines over green background and charging millions of dollars for it. Well, I think that the Spotify one's very chic, but this is cheek. That is good. Not bad for me.

So this bloke who works for them posted it and he gets absolutely roasted and then Pedestrian writes this article. The guy comes out the next day and goes, we've worked so hard and this website's making fun of us, blah, blah, blah. And guess what Pedestrian commented on his post and said? Oh, what? Sounds like you're a bit butthurt by our article.

Funny from them. You'll have to see it. That is very, very funny. Shout out to Linktree. Oh, my God. Well, my you'll have to see it is a is very, very funny. Shout out to Linktree. Oh my god. Well, my you love to see it is a bit of a different one. Am I going to spit water out of my mouth onto the floor?

Well, maybe, actually. Do you want me to take a sip and we'll find out? My you love to see it. Here we go. Ryan's taking a sip. Is that water or Gatorade? My you love to see it is me winning the fucked, fucked segment tomorrow. A pre-emptive You Love To See It. You can't do that.

Yeah, my pre-emptive You Love To See It. You accidentally made the water come out of my nose. I was joking, but you actually did it. Oh, prank. What do you mean You Love To See It? My You Love To See It is that tomorrow I am winning my segment back and you are going to be mind blown by my fact. Are you low on love to see it this week?

No, that's just, that was top of my list. I thought, fuck yeah, I do love to see that. And tomorrow when I win it, my love to see it will be, I love to see it. What I love to see is me correctly predicting yesterday. Thank you. That is me correctly predicting yesterday. Thank you. That is what it will be. No, but tomorrow I've got one fucking chance to impress Ryan with a fact

and then I win the greatest prize of all time. I don't know if I like this as though you love to see it. Well, I thought it would be. I think this is a risky precedent you're seeing. I thought that it would be cute and fun. Things I would love to see in the future. Things I'm seeing tomorrow. Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm seeing it and I thought it'd be like a good hook to tomorrow's podcast. I just want to clarify that things you love to see is things you love to have seen. No, you've done preemptive you love to see it before. Name one. Mate, we've done 75,000. I don't remember it. You've done a preemptive you love to see it before. Okay.

We were finishing on such a great night and now you're being a jerk. All right, I'll spit again. No pranks, mate. I always swallow. I'm a lady. It's my mistake. All right, we'll see you tomorrow. Forget fact Wednesday.

Love you but not Ryan. Bye. You fucked my love to say it. That was great. No. Now you're lying. Love you. Not Ryan.

Bye. That's aggressive from you. Have I done something to fuck you off? Yes. I just told you.