Toni and Ryan - Pumped full of vitamins

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

A shocking confession - and a real throwback with THINGS YOU CAN SAY while you have COVID and also in the bedroom. We're off tomorrow to recover, but back Thursday! Fuckin' love ya. Toni xoxox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. I'm here with the muscles of the show. Tony Felicia Lodge. That's me. And we are calling Ebony, who is in B-Town, Bendigo. B-Town? Bendigo is one of the great country towns you can go and get drunk at on a Saturday night when you're 20 years old. Oh, but no, no other age? Not 19, not 21, but 20? No, yep, yeah. Star Bar.

Star Bar. I wonder if that's still a thing or maybe that's like a loser thing. Hello, this is Ebony. Ebony, it's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you? Yeah, we're good. Can you confirm that Starbar is a great place to go out when you're 20 years old in Bendigo?

Yeah, I've, look, I've had a few drunken nights there, so yeah, definitely a good night out. Yeah, look, I've had a few drunken nights there, so yeah, definitely a good night out. Yeah, just a little bit of knowledge from Ryan here. Yeah, wow. I know, I'm looking to go. Yeah, I know. Ebony, will you approve this podcast? Oh, absolutely.

Yes. See you at Starbar. Yeah, see you then. Hi, this is Ebony from Bendigo and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the healthiest podcast in the world. You're welcome. Tony, how are you feeling today, mate? Not great, but I feel like I'm getting there. Tony's in the spare. You're welcome. Tony, how are you feeling today, mate? Not great, but I feel like I'm getting there.

Tony's in the spare room at her house. I'm currently sitting at my dining table. And I tell you what I was just thinking about before, after we did the episode yesterday. Yeah. This podcast started as a lockdown podcast. Yeah, it did. Remember? Is that weird to think about now? Yes. Super weird, especially because we had to get like permission to be together because it was like proper lockdown because we worked in the media industry how funny is this we were both deemed as essential services which is just so laughable like there's people like nurses and doctors were wearing like 16 visors and we were like people need the weather like yeah well

the theory was like we have to get information out to the people it's life or death and here we are being like oh fucking doctor in the bedroom put in my house um so very vital information but i was on the record during covid and like i know i'm not the toot my own horn type biggest i've ever heard of my whole life yeah i said because you know how it was like i'm gonna learn french i'm gonna write that screenplay i'm gonna bake the banana bread i did write a fucking book actually so i'll have you know that so i said that in a few years, there's going to be all these great stories about, and it would have started during lockdown because those things, you know, there will be movies coming out in the next few years that were written by that person who was stuck at home. There will be books that will be written. There will be shows that exist.

And where one of your books, one of them, this shows one of them. That's actually really nice to think about, isn't it? Yeah. So I think we can say COVID net positive. I do feel bad though, because I know that a lot of net positive, that's very funny. Sorry. Like I said yesterday, my brain is lagging behind.

I was always waiting for you to react to that. Oh, I was pretty happy with that, dude. Okay. Three, two, one. There we go. Oh, there we go. Like I was saying, yes. Oh, now I can't remember what I was pretty happy with that dude. Okay. Three, two, one. There we go. Oh, there we go. Like I was saying, yes. Oh, now I can't remember what I was saying.

It's as if we've smoked like 15 pounds of marijuana. We're just so dopey and your memory is less than a goldfish. Oh my God. And I've just like been having the craziest fever dreams as well, like the other day. So we pulled our mattress out into the lounge room to just to try and like sleep in the air con just to try and like see if that would help a bit of a change of scenery,

you know? And, um, I woke up and people was snuggled up next to me and I could hear all of the spices next to our stove, like being knocked off, like onto the floor and smashing. And I was like, what the spices next to our stove, like being knocked off, like onto the floor and smashing. And I was like, what the fuck is going on?

And I like rolled over because our kitchen and our lounge room were like, because it's just an apartment. It's all like right next to each other. And I was like, Alex, Alex, like screaming for Torbs. And he sprinted in and he was like, what's wrong? And I was like, oh my God, John, the cat from next door is in the house and he's in the kitchen. And Torbs was like what's wrong and i was like oh my god john the cat from next door is is in the house and he's in the kitchen and tom's was like what and i was like he's knocking all the spices off and he's like in the kitchen and i was holding pippa so that like pippa didn't

get the glass in her paws or whatever and he was like there's nothing there and um it was actually just a fever dream and nothing happened. Oh my, totally lodged. And then afterwards he was like, bro, like how crazy was that? And I was like, what? And he was like, you don't remember screaming bloody murder for me to come and look at this cat that didn't exist? This cat that you haven't seen for months is in the kitchen

fucking cooking up some paprika pasta and knocking the girl over the face? No, I wouldn't have thought so yeah so as you can imagine my brain's really i'm not in tip-top working order at the moment no no that's fine hey it is what it is drink some water embrace it embrace it um we are having tomorrow off for sick leave and then we'll be back in the studio on thursday But I do have a quick confession that's been sent in by a tarpa who's calling themselves bad dog dad. Hang on. Sorry. Before we get into this, we promised people after the dog in the suitcase, we promised people that this was a dog safe zone. Is this a dog safe story? The dog, it is a dog safe zone. And you're right. That was a harrowing tale. Because we had to promise people that we wouldn't be pulling stunts like that anymore. Yeah, no.

This is not one of them. In fact, thanks for asking because I actually do want to flag up front that the dog ends up all right. Because there is a part of the story where you go, fuck, is the dog. Is the dog okay? I can confirm off the top, the dog is fine. Okay. See, my brain's not working tip top, but I did remember to do that. So thank you everyone.

Very good. Very good. My husband and I have a dog and one time we were getting intimate. So we ushered the dog out of the house, out of the room and closed the door, which I think is the right thing to do if you've got, if you've got time. If you've got time. If you've got time. What if you're stuck in the throes of passion?

Oh, if it happens too quickly. No, I mean, like, you just, if it's on you. It takes like a second. To take the dog out of the... Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, sorry, I forgot how strong you do. I don't have seconds to waste here, mate.

So, Bad Dog Dad says, we're using condoms and after we're done, I removed it, tied it in a knot knot and put it on the bedside table. For some reason, I forgot to like, you know, dispose of it. Just like just, you know, I'll pop it there and then I'll take care of that later. Later on, I couldn't find it. And we're frantic looking around for some other, where did I put it? Did it fall under the bed?

Did it go to the thing? Did I actually put it in the bin and forgot about what happened it became clear that the only possible option was that the dog has eaten the condom no oh my god we panicked because i mean obviously gross but also that's not gonna do well for the dog. And again, the dog ends up fine. So stick with me. We decide to keep an eye on the dog and wait for him to, you know, see if he passes the condom. And then if maybe not after a day, we might have to, you know, if he's not feeling well, we might have to take him to the vet. Like, could you imagine? No, see for me, that's emergency vet straight away.

Really? A hundred percent. Aren't most things emergency vet straight away. Really? 100%. Aren't most things emergency vet straight away for you with Pip? Something like that, definitely. I know that I'm probably a more hyperactive parent, but I feel like something like that definitely would be emergency vet straight away, for sure. Because I remember one time pippa smelled a leaf and you're like do we need to take it to the vet when i was there and i was like no

it was a fig leaf which are which our neighbor has that like falls into our yard and uh apparently they could be quite poisonous to dogs thank you very much and she chewed it she didn't sniff it she chewed so you are confirming that she sniffed the leaf and you're like, fuck, we've got to go to an emergency. She chewed it up. Oh, my God. Please don't gaslight me right now. I'm so sick.

It's mean. No, but I think dog eating a condom, that's emergency event right away. Not to judge you, bad dog dad, but judging you, bad dog dad. Well, they're calling themselves bad dog dad. I was using their Christian name. Would there be a moment of like, I don't want to explain this to the vet. I don't want to, like the vet, what are they going to do?

Shove their hand down and pull out your full condom that's tied in it. Like, you know, maybe the awkwardness of that may allow some people to go no let's just wait and see like you know like just to not have that conversation or would you still i think i'd be straight in because i just it would not be it would not be worth the risk for me what would you say pretend i'm the vet oh hello um miss lodge um oh fuck are you um what seems to be the problem today?

This is so embarrassing, but my dog has eaten a full condom and we turned it it off. And I think that she's eaten it and we just need to make sure that she's okay. What do you mean? Did you say a full condom? Yep. Yep. It was a used condom.

And I'm so sorry. This is like really, I'm so embarrassed. Please sign an NDA after this. However, I need you to fix my dog and make sure she's okay. That seems fair. That seems fair. We keep an eye on the dog, says bad dog dad. And then it was sort of like, you know how dogs kind of have their routine

where you go, oh, yeah, in the morning they'll walk out the back and do it. And it was sort of like the time when the dog normally goes. So the dog wanders into the backyard and they keep an eye on it and it like kind of you know strains a little you know there's a bit something going on there poop comes out the dog is fine the condom came out with the poop still knotted still with the stuff inside of it and bad dog dad says i think this is a testament to the brand of condoms because nothing was going to break that. Oh, my God. This was my first and only time my you love to see it

was my dog poo condom. And I did really love to see it because if it didn't come out that time, then I probably would have gone, fuck, we need to go to the vet. So I'm looking at a dog shit itself, a condom come out, and I was like, yes, you love to see that. Oh see that oh my god well i'm so glad that the dog was okay but also i mean get it together guys you know you gotta be careful with that shit literally you know hey this is and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tuffers over at our Patreon. Thank you so much. Lauren Berry, Lynn Sanchez, she's in Belgium, Henrik Wolf, Tasha Bourne, Jess Batty, Izzy and Rebecca Schaefer. Love you guys. Thank you. Have you got 34% sicker in the last two minutes or is my internet slow? Like what's happened?

Okay, I think it's a little bit of both, but I think I'm definitely going downhill. This is the most i've spoken in like a week okay let's fucking smash this out and then we'll go on sick leave and then we'll be back later in the week um but making its grand return today this is things you can say when you've got covid and also in the bedroom oh do you have to stay inside for seven days what a gross concept you know what that did make me think of you know that like mormon soaking thing the stoking same i said that in my mind i was like oh that feels like soaking yeah

yeah and also the dumbest thing ever. We're not technically, like, technically on. Technically not fucking, so it's okay. The Lord knows and it's okay. I thought about the girl in college who, I mean, sucked 10,000 dicks, but, like, didn't have sex because she's a good Christian girl. And I was like, I mean, like, she was like a virgin to marriage, which is like, yeah, like, I'm a good, like. Gotta find a loophole somewhere. Yeah, but it was like, who to marriage um which is like yeah like i'm a good luck gotta find a loophole somewhere yeah i bet it was like who's this story for me you clearly live in your best

life fucking go like i don't know when i hear good christian girl and i say i'm like i don't think they're the same thing yeah yeah i know what you mean it's a bit like the mormon soaking i'm like yeah i don't think you get one without the other you know uh things you can say during covid north on the bed oh oh you'll um probably have to go to the pharmacist in the morning oh god i just i keep getting jabbed but i it's not really doing anything for me. Is your throat fucked? And if not, do you want it? It will be. It also occurred to me that both of us can't audibly laugh, but we're like sitting here chuckling away,

trying not to fucking... Cough? Yeah. I don't know about you, but I haven't left the bed for a whole week. It's so unsexy because you sound so sick. This is the saddest thing ever. I know.

Tony, I heard you got it that good you felt dizzy for days. I cannot stand up straight, let me tell you. for days. I cannot stand up straight, let me tell you. It's pretty hot in my bedroom at the moment. There's liquid in my sheets, if you know what I mean.

It's sweat from a fever. Yeah. What do you actually it's sweat from a fever. Oh, are you, what are you actually, um, take,

are you like on the cold and flus or like vitamin C's and stuff where you're just drinking water and tea and just trying to, you know, go old school, um, water and tea and ibuprofen. And, um,

what are those things called? Uh, Dick. The armour force. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I've been getting pumped full of vitamins and minerals for days. Sometimes the extra protein is exactly what you need, though.

I recommend it to everyone. But the only cure for this is vitamin D. This is actually so much funnier because you said... I don't know who gave me this infection because after the last few weeks I've had it, it could be one of literally hundreds of people. Oh, well, I'm pretty sure I got it from Ryan Johnson. Not the first time I've said that.

No, it won't be the last either, sweetheart. Can't catch what you've already got. Do you have it? You love to see it to round out this revolting day? Yeah, I was just about to say, I don't know if I'm proud or embarrassed about, well, pretty much everything in my life, but in particular this episode. Like I said, we are going on sick leave and we'll be back soon. But I do have a you love to see it.

And it's from Denise Barrett, who is an OG tarper. Hi, Denise. And she says, I'm a stay-at-home mum. I'm on a pretty tight budget. Yeah. So I couldn't afford to buy Tony's book, but I really wanted to read it. So I put in a request to the local library. Because you know how you can request the library for them to get books?

Yes. So she put in a request to her local library to get Tony Lodge's new book, and the library has gone, yep, we're getting it in, and they've put her on the list so she can go and borrow it first. Oh, that's so great. Is that how you love to see it, or are you pissed that that's $22 not your fault? Oh, my God, no. I've already written it.

I know that this isn't what I should say, but, like, I've already written it. Like, it's not as if people are paying me to continue writing it. You know, I've already written, I know that this isn't what I should say, but like, I've already written it. Like, it's not as if people like pay me to continue writing it, you know, I've already written it. It exists. I want as many people to get it as possible. Absolutely. Now, also, um, continuing on the, I don't know if I'm allowed to read, am I allowed to read this email?

What email? From the book people? Oh, um, oh, no numbers. No numbers. Well, the numbers are in from the sales of Tony's book. And ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please. I can confirm that Tony Lodge is not just author. Tony Lodge.

Tony Lodge is best-selling author, Tony Lodge. Selling more books than Colleen Hoover, selling more books than Atomic Habits this week, more than Bluey, more than Prince Harry in Australia, which means the number one most sold book from Australia last week in launch week. Number one. Number one in the autobiography category

and number three across all fiction sellers across the globe. Holy fucking shit. So insane. So insane. I read that email and like I was saying about the cat story earlier, pretty weird fever I've got going on. And I was like, that didn't really happen. And it did. It actually did like that didn't really happen and

it did it actually did that didn't fucking happen that didn't happen um no i'm so so excited that is oh incredible it's incredible congratulations thank you i will take you out for a celebratory drink which will be green tea that we'll have on soon together yeah sounds good um i have a i have a less wholesome you'll have to see it after yours now i just sent it to you so that you can see it uh this this tweet went from tarbard and he says i made a device that checks the council website and lights up to show what color bin to put out i call it the bin decader this is the greatest thing i've ever seen in my life. I know. So now that you're back out in the

burbs, you'll be able to relate to this. You never know whether it's recycling day or like proper rubbish or like green rubbish or whatever. And this little bin light that Tarbard has made, this bin decader tells you which one it is. So I guess it like scrapes the council website for

data on which one it is and then it like turns on automatically. So I guess it like scrapes the council website for data on which one it is and then it like turns on automatically. So good. So I'm in a bit of a standoff in my street at the moment. No, already? You haven't lived there for very long. No, no, no. It's not like against the others.

Is it like West Side Story and you're all going out to the street? Yeah, so it turns out that no one in our street knows which bin is which for which day yeah and so i'm i'm chatting to um ahmed that lives across the road and i go oh thank god um you know what bin days because i wait for you to put your bin out and then i yeah and then i go oh well ahmed's put um the recycling and the green waste off. And then he goes, well, I don't know what it is. I'm waiting for Trent down the road. And then we speak to Trent, and Trent goes, I've got fucking no idea.

And I'm like, well, where does this start? Everyone's just copying everyone else. Does anyone know what's going on out there? It's the Wild Wild Town. Why don't you just Google it? It's Cowboy World. It's Cowboy Town. It's Cowboy Town. It's Cowboy Town.

I think it was Cowboy World, actually. I can't even remember the things I fuck up. Why don't you just Google it? Mate, I don't have all day. Cowboytown. It's Cowboytown. I think it was Cowboy World, actually. I can't even remember the things I fuck up. Why don't you just Google it? Mate, I don't have all day. I could Google that now for you, mate. What is it? What council do you live in?

Newham Bay. But no, it's actually would have been handy for you to Google it the other day, but now I'm going to get a Vindicator, so we're all sick. I might even buy Armin and Trent one, so we can all have a V bindicator in the street. Yeah, you all share. I can't really read right now. I can't believe you're actually looking it up.

I'm really trying. I can't do with that. You know what you'll have to see? Us having tomorrow off so that I can go and try and fucking get my brain back on track. You know what I love to see? I'm actually going to change um the description in the podcast so when people like look us up on spotify and like what's this podcast about it's like well um it's where tony googles which bin days which and lets um the co-host know but i didn't even let you know yeah it was another empty offer how does it enter

she couldn't find it she couldn't't. She realised she can't read. This is a very good podcast. Hot fun garbage. All right. Rest up, dear. Take care of your best-selling author self. Go sleep in the... Are you still in the lounge room on the mattress?

No, we're back in our room now. Another change of scenery was due. It sucks. After sitting on the couch all day, why don't we move the bed next to the couch? I need a change of scenery. Actually, isn't that sad? Take care of yourself.

Everyone, I'm sorry for the, not the audio quality, just the personality quality in the last few days. And if these have been your first episodes you've ever listened to, don't judge it on that. Don't judge it on that. We promise

all these people can't be wrong. Spotify can't be wrong. Please go back and listen to it. I think they can be. I definitely can. No, no, they can't.

Go listen to the shit Coincidences from last week. That'll give you a real insight to what's going on. Very good day. All right. We'll chat to you whenever we get back from Sydney.

Thursday, Friday. We'll be back Thursday. We'll be back. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. And that was the last time they ever heard her.