Toni and Ryan - Puss on Parade

Episode Date: August 27, 2024

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Hello. We are calling Alexandrina. Alexandrina. Is that right? Yeah, it's just somewhere in the US. Mystery call. They didn't put the city. This could be anyone. Any name, any town. Maybe Alexandrina is where they live. Any town in Chicago. I've just learned.

Oh, Chicago. Chicago. Any town there. Any town in Chicago. I've just learned. Chicago. Any town there. Any town in Chicago. It's huge. Hello, Alexandrina. We're just coming out of the drive-thru car wash. Oh.

Okay, hello. Oh, we're going in. Hello. Now, did I butcher your name? I couldn't hear what you said. So I hope, I believe you said Alexandrina. Yeah. That's exactly what I said.

That's exactly what I said. That's fine. Yeah, you nailed that. Yep, yep. Perfect, perfect. Yeah. Now, you and Tony have something in common. Well, you have something in common with Tony's past.

What do you do for work? I work at the deli at Costco, and I am in charge of doing the rotisserie chickens. And do you smell like an absolute dream every day as well? Oh my gosh. I smell like oil. Yeah. Delicious.

Yeah. Yeah. You do. You do get like, what are you rocking at Costco? You got a steam oven? Real oven? What do you got going on? It's a gas-burning oven, and so we put them on the skewers,

and we usually have an oven of like 32 chickens going on at a time. I was going to say that'd be like just pumping them out. Yeah, because Carl's steam oven. It's not like a roasting oven. But so they didn't get all oily. There was like drippings and stuff, but it wasn't. Yeah. Wow, God, that must be a bitch to clean. clean uh yeah actually we just got new ovens in so it's like a five minute process it's amazing

you just scrape scrape and then let the machine do its thing is that a self-cleaning oven is that what's going on you guys should start your own podcast it's a beautiful thing sorry i'm trying to hear about the fucking oven yeah self-cleaning that's nice i think my oven's got self-cleaning but i'm too scared to use it because what if it explodes yeah what if it self-clean, that's nice. I think my oven's got self-clean, but I'm too scared to use it because what if it explodes? Yeah, what if it self-cleans itself down the street and never comes back? Like her and Janine just fuck off and I don't see her again. No, it's too risky. I don't like that.

I don't like that. Alexandrina, will you approve today's oven-free episode? I 100% absolutely approve. Yay! Excellent. Hi, this is Alexandrina from Chicago, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, I was going to say Tony 2.0, but I feel like we're up to Tony 47 point.

There's another new Tony. I love it. I think I'm nothing if not consistent, but the consistency is that I'm always different. Do you see what I mean? I think that's good. It is good. Yeah.

No? But is that the definition of not being consistent? But isn't consistency just like always happening and there's always something happening? So that's consistent. Do you know what I mean? I actually haven't smoked enough weed in the last decade to tackle this right now.

In the last decade? But I. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, no, but there's some of the new Tonys that I'm like impartial to, but the new, new Tony I'm fucking all about. Really? Yeah, and I want to encourage and I believe everyone else will too. See, I love this because there's been a few Tonys that you have taken

or leaved. Yeah, and I've lefted. Yeah. And so have I. Yeah, left them well in the past. But first, it's been a while since we've done this. Guys, there's some medical comedy on the way. No, there's not.

Now, this got sent through as a confession, so it's anonymous, but I felt like it needed its own moment because it's medical comedy at its finest. And it's its own category, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I'm just going to read this first line and we're going to fucking be mature about this because we're all adults.

Yeah. Yeah. read this first line and we're going to fucking be mature about this because we're all adults. Yeah. I would like to apologize to the male gynecologist. Anonymous Tapa has said. Okay. She says, I started doing the hippity dippity with a boy on the regular and because condoms suck more than I do, I decided to get a UDI put in.

A IUD. A UDI? What's a UDI? I think you mean UTI, to get a UDI put in. A IUD. A UDI? What's a UDI? I think you mean UTI, which is a urinary tract infection. No, I was thinking of a UDL, which is the pre-mixed vodka drinks. Oh, a little drink. Yeah, which often lead to the need for a IUD. IUD.

Yeah. I have an IUD. Yeah, how's it going for you? It's great. Yeah, it's really good. But, I mean, anything, can I i just say i think any medical situation where you're showing your swimsuit area it is a bit like you do feel very on display you feel a bit awkward no matter how confident and free you are with your body yep it's not ideal it's clinical it's yuck i just

really need everyone to appreciate that like no matter who you are i think it's fucking awkward now i'm just going to read this next sentence and I'm going to read the last bit of it as it says. I'm not going to fully, like, act it out, but I think you'll get the gist of what I'm going at here. But I just want to emphasise that I'm just reading what Anonymous says. Okay, you're reading it verbatim. No editorial from you.

Yep. I honestly didn't mind that he was male except for the fact that he was so hot. I wish I was more mature about this, but he. There's a H and seven E's. Oh. And, yeah. So there's like this bit in Friends when Rachel's pregnant and like her gynecologist that walks in and she's just like,

what are you up to? And he's like, so have you had any gas? And she's like, don't ask me. Don't ask me when he's obviously like doing his job. He tells me take your clothes off and put your legs up in the stirrups. He's a medical professional. He closes the curtain and my heart is going so fast at the prospect of this very attractive man looking at my vagina.

I found it so bizarre that he was going to come back into the room and I was just, bam, vagina. That's what she said. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just reading the fucking text. But you are, it's puss out. Like, it's puss on parade. I've been losing the heaps of rage against the machine lately.

Imagine if that was his favorite song, the male gynecologist. He's driving into work. He walks in. He's like, puss on parade. He just looks out into the waiting room. Oh, look at all this puss on parade. Now, this next thought is the same thought that every victim of medical comedy has had.

And do you want to guess what it is? You feel like you have to break a bit of the ice, do a bit of a joke because it's pretty awkward and you feel like, I'm going to ease the tension here. To ease the tension, I tried to think of something funny to it's pretty awkward and you feel like I'm going to ease the tension here. To ease the tension, I tried to think of something funny to say. Yeah, and you do. And what percentage success rate have?

Mine personally, as a doctor myself, is 0% success. And during the three years of this podcast? I think we've had like a two percent success rate i think one person has had a joke land with a medical professional when they've tried to do one when yeah we see this segment every week one time in three years it just you always think that this is going to help and it it never does so she's there laid back puss onuss on parade. Feet up in the stirrups. He came into the room and for some- Did he? Sorry. He came into the room and for some godforsaken reason,

I went, ta-da! As if my- Not the magic show. As if my vagina was a great magic trick. He did not laugh. They never do. He then hit the button and the whole bed rose up. I say, it's a bit like The Dentist, isn't it?

Oh, shut up. Stop fucking talking. He gave me nothing the first time and this second joke he gave her. They've just heard it all, eh? Haven't they? Like, they're uncomfortable too. Like, they know that you're uncomfortable. I left the clinic with an IUD but without my dignity.

IUDignity. Oh. Getting an IUD in the chair as well, that's fucking brave. Yeah? Yeah. How did you get yours? I was under. I went under.

But yeah, poof. I'm really sorry about the failure of medical comedy for you there. No, as soon as like this is a tarpa. She knows. Yeah, that's the thing. You have the evidence. You've heard these stories. You know they don't work.

But it is fucking awkward, isn't it? All you want to do is just like make yourself feel a bit less vulnerable. I think this is on the doctors at this point. No. No, they're doing their job and their job is not a comedian. Where is the bedside manner? Where is the bedside manner? Chivalry's dead.

No, but it's like you're supposed to want people to be comfortable. I have a challenge for the tapas. I agree, but like doctors. It's just not their area. But like bedside, that's a thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's a thing.

Maybe they should say, I don't need you to tell a joke. It's awkward for both of us. Let's just get it done. Oh, no. Wouldn't that take the pressure off? No. I think what would take the pressure off is just like a bit of a smile and a bit of like, yeah, acknowledge that it's awkward.

I have a challenge for the tapas. Uh-huh. And if we get a few good ones, next week we'll go through how people went with this challenge. The challenge is to do something in your life at home with your partner, maybe in the workplace, I don't know, but all you need to do is include a ta-da and the most creative thing you can do, I don't know, we'll give you a shout-out or send you some merch pack or something.

Okay, well, they're two different things. What did I say? We'll give you a shout-out or we'll give you a merch pack. The better it is, the better the prize. Like when we did tar parking and that person did that dank park and we sent them all that shit. Yeah. I just feel like there's some, the story can be whatever it is, but it just needs to end with a ta-da.

So it doesn't have to be medical comedy. No, no, no. is, but it just needs to end with a ta-da. So it doesn't have to be medical comedy. No, no, no. Just anything in your life. That ends with a ta-da. Imagine if we get a story that's like I gave birth and went ta-da. That would be amazing. Incredible. Two hoodies.

That's worth. I think we're all sold out. So you can't have a hoodie. In whatever size we decide that you want. I feel like if you're in a meeting, like a presentation, and you present an idea to the board and then you're like, ta-da. I like that. Bonus points for footage.

Bonus points for footage. If you've got some evidence. I do also like. Do you know what would be good? If you were like demolishing a house and you did the wrecking ball through the house and then you went, ta-da. That would be good. Planned, obviously.

Don't just do that. And no one can be in danger. No one can be in danger. No one can be in danger. Yeah. Like if you send us like something where you're killing someone and you say, ta-da, we don't want that. No.

Well, no. Well, like don't do that, obviously. But when we said nothing bad. That's included. Yeah. Like we didn't have to get specific. Okay. I would just like the don't do that, obviously. But when we said nothing bad. That's included. Yeah, like, we didn't have to get specific. Okay. I just like the headroom on that.

I would also not hate if a principal was addressing the primary school as a whole at the school assembly and dropped a ta-da. So we've given some good ideas. We've given some good ideas. Our head's in the clouds about this. I don't know if we'll get a demolition. No, but we said we didn't think we'd get any tar parking, and that was... That's true. It was actually concerning.

Tarp ta-da. Tarp da. No, I like yours better. Okay. Ta-da! Hi, this is Alex Andrina from Chicago and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Our Patreon has heaps of exclusive content. You can rewatch the old tapathon shows that we've done. I believe there's a video of Tony dancing at my birth father

on the street of Hoxton. You're welcome. A few of the people that are champion tapas over there. Azzy, father on the street of Hoxton. You're welcome. A few of the people that are champion tapas over there, Azzy, good on you, Azzy. Thanks, Azzy. Megan R, Julia McClarnon, Christina Council, Jess Howard, and Ali Ali. Thank you very much for being part of it.

We literally can't do this podcast without you, so thank you so much. This Friday the episode will be available wherever you're listening right now but also on YouTube. First ever time in YouTube for a full episode. Going to be glorious. Go and subscribe. Search for Tony and Ryan.

Yeah. But you can also still listen as normal in all of your apps, including Spotify. The video will just be on YouTube instead of there. Now, there's a new and rejuvenated Tony since we returned from the UK. You're welcome. I don't even know what this is. Well, you do because you haven't fucking stopped saying it.

Okay. The main new phrase associated with new Tony is, do you want to say the line? Is pop off, sis. That's actually not what I thought you were going to say. What do you think I was going to say? I didn't know. I actually didn't know.

So now take us back to the start of Pop Off, sis, because I believe it started with you befriending a clothes dryer in an Airbnb, true or false? So the thing about Pop Off, sis, is that the cultural background is that it's been going for like a year and I've never said it. And then in an Airbnb, the washing machine was quite violent. Yeah. Like it really shook around.

It was really, really loud. And it had been going for like half an hour. You, Ryan, our producer Sophie and I, we'd been sitting around and just kind of ignoring it. And it just took on a life of its own. When it moves from like washing to drying phase and it just really cranked up again. Well, it really popped off.

And I like pointed over at it with my thumb. I'm like, pop off washing machine, sis. And little did we know that that would become Tony's personality and all we'd hear about for the rest of the week. And I'm for it. It kind of became like the joke of the trip. Okay, I've got five questions here. Okay.

And I just want to say I've pre-written these down. Okay, okay. One of the questions is, did you tell Torbs it was the joke of the trip? Yeah, I did. Because so we got off the – Torbs came to pick me up from the airport. Ryan and I, we got off the plane. Sophie flew Qantas, so we got off Torbz came to pick me up from the airport Ryan and I we got off the plane Sophie flew Qantas so we went with her And she got an earlier flight

Like she was well taken care of Did you get upgraded to business class? Poor Sophie Pop off point sis It is fun see It is fun So between walking from the terminal Like the depart's terminal,

to the car, I'd said pop off, blah, sis, twice. And then Torbs and I get in the car and I said it again and I was like, sorry, that's going to get really old. Yeah, at least you're aware of that. No, I said that's going to get really old. It kind of was the joke of the trip because I said it once. We all laughed so hard that then it became a thing. Even this morning, Sophie texted our group chat and said,

does anyone want a coffee? I'm going to pop off coffee, sis. Is pop off, sis, your new personality? I don't think it is. I think it's too ironic for it to be a real personality. Do you think you're overusing it? But no. Okay.

No, I don't. Is it true that last night you sent a text saying, I just got an appointment to see a Chinese medicine person. What do you call it? Well, I had an acupuncture appointment. Yeah. And then concluded the text message with pop off alternative medicine sis. Did you or did you not say that?

I did say that. And did not get any of the attention it fucking deserved. Did we even like thumbs up the comment? None of you replied. And then it was just later on Sophie being like, hey guys, the plan for tomorrow. I'm like, okay. Maybe I should unsend that one.

Pop off alternative messages. That was the moment where I was like, fuck, we've stretched this as far as we can go. I think it's funny though. It is. Look at it giving us a laugh. No, it is. And to be fair, the few times I've dabbled, it felt right.

And you've done it and it's been really funny. Tell us how much you've laughed every time we've done it. I've pissed every time. I've pissed every time. It's so silly. But then I thought, this looks like fun. I might like test it out myself. And you nailed it.

And so flying home, we flew with Malaysian Airlines. And can I just tell you, Malaysian hospitality is too good for its own good. They were so wonderful. Because if you order one drink at the start of a 13-hour flight, you are not going to see the bottom of that glass. They actually keep putting gin in your cup. Yeah, so Tony orders one gin and tonic and every time she has a sip,

they're like, refill? Yeah, they're like, oh, would you like another drink, Miss Lodge? And I'm like, okay. Yeah, and then so. If I must. And then they, like, refill? Yeah, they're like, oh, would you like another drink, Miss Lodge? And I'm like, okay. Yeah. And then so. If I must. And then they like refused to stop filling up your drink. So Tony had four or five gins, which as you know,

equals about eight to ten on the ground. But you know when they like, it's like when you're in a restaurant and they keep refilling your wine. You have no idea. But not when it's empty. They keep topping you off. So you don't actually know how much you've had. And I'm not a drinker.

She's not a drinker. So we got to the thing. I was like, oh, long flight. You're a bit tired. And he's like, oh, I actually think. And mine's like, are you hungry? Like, are you all right? And I was just like, no, I ate on the plane.

He's like, I don't think you did. And then I dropped a pop-off gin sis and I've never felt more alive than when I said that. It sobered me up. All of a sudden, I'm back. It slapped five gins out of you. It did. It did. I think I was just so keen on you coming to the party.

Pop-off? Pop-off, sis. Pop-off, pop-off, sis. Sis. No, I'm all for it. This is good because a personality prior to pop-off, sis. Sis. No, I'm all for it. This is good because a personality prior to pop off, sis. Yeah. Remember when you started, like, making everything,

what's it when you just use the letters? What? Like, you're like, oh, let's eat. L-E. Oh, no, I still do that. P-O-S. Pop off, sis. Yeah.

Yeah. L-E. Oh, no, I still do that. P-O-S. Pop off, sis. Yeah. Yeah. I'm never going to stop doing that because I think that's also comedy.

I think when they're too long, that's when it's funnier. It's like when things get silly, that's like where the laughs come in. Final question. Final question. Pop off final question, sis. Did you recently say, fuck my life, and then straightaway went, oh, do people say that anymore? Yes. It was a comment on a video of ours, and it got a lot of likes.

It did very, very well. Pop off, fuck my life, sis. Yeah. It's getting wordy. People don't say fuck my life anymore. Do you remember the website like F my life? Yeah, it was great. And there was all those people that are like, oh, it was just

and they had like a. Was it Reddit before Reddit almost? It was a really big like confessions thing because there was a whole section dedicated to like sex and it was like, oh, my mum just walked in on me jerking off, F my life. Oh, okay. I mum just walked in on me jerking off. F my life. Oh, okay. I'm just going to read the top.

I've just gone. It's still there. Fmylife.com. Who's submitting this to Fmylife.com? This was submitted on the 27th of, yeah. But today. No, yesterday. Today my boyfriend sent me a text to inform me that his mother had told him that I was only with him for his money, which he got from his dad's will, even though we were already together at the time.

F my life. And then we as a reviewer get to decide if I agree your life sucks or you deserved it. Oh, my God. We should start getting confessions from here. I'm going to click your life sucks because you're going to fmylife.com. Yeah, yeah. Which is the real, yeah. Yeah, pop off FML life, sis.

Sorry. Yeah, okay. Let them come. Yeah, see, this is the thing. They're funnier when they're more strange. What do you love to see, Tony? What do you love to see here from Mackenzie? Mackenzie says, since graduating TAFE and receiving my full certificate.

Certificate. She's graduated from the New Zealand Institute of Technology. Receiving my full cert in veterinary nursing. Congratulations, first of all. That's amazing. I've been able to save up and finally buy a brand new car that I've always wanted. What the fuck? Isn't that amazing?

Fucking good money in vet nursing. I mean, when I go to the vet, it costs a fucking fortune. Yeah, where do you reckon it goes? To her Mercedes. And I love that pop-off Mercedes, sis. Mackenzie says, I was able to get it with the sports package and, like, the mods that that I wanted all for a great price and this is my first ever

major purchase major purchase major purchase um isn't that so awesome incredible Mackenzie says I'm so excited

to be getting my new car and the first thing I'm gonna do is listen to the podcast full volume on the way to work fuck yeah is she gonna get like

the big bow on it and get those photos at the front I hope so Mackenzie if you do can you send us the photos yeah and I hope that they're less awkward than the ones for me i hope they're more awkward i hope they make you do the jump because it's honestly a lifetime of memories yeah you're all pumped up and gassed up on the fact you're buying a brand new car now we need

to humble this bitch can you just do a jump and flick your legs up like a toyota yeah and then send us all your money yeah great thank you thank you you, thank you. Good on you, Mackenzie. That's awesome. Darren. Hi, Daz. After being in the closet for 20 years and quietly married to another man for 10 years, I'm finally ready to tell the whole world that I'm gay. What a huge moment. Darren.

Huge moment. Pop off, gay sis. Pop off, gay sis. He then submits a photo and said, this is me and my husband, and it's like two very lovely, very happy looking guys living their best life. That's amazing.

Top comment. Oh, here we go. How did your husband handle the news that his husband was a homosexual? Yeah, did he know? How did he feel? The reply from Darren, he took it pretty well and he was fine with the news as well. That is so good.

Good idea. Oh, he's come out of the closet as a fucking comedian. Wow. Okay. Yeah, he's like, no, everyone knew I was gay. No one knew I was fucking hilarious. Pop off comedy, sis. Fuck my life.

Fucking write it. God, you just can't write that, can you? That's amazing. He did. Yeah, so there's that. One day I'll come out as funny as well. Yeah. Hopefully.

Let me know. Yeah. All right. See you tomorrow. Love you. Normal or nah tomorrow. And if you've got a cute pet, there's a very interesting normal or nah for you. I've got a cute pet.

You do. Pop off cute pet sis. Nah, see, you can't. You can't, was it? Love you, bye.