Toni and Ryan - Red Eye Toni

Episode Date: April 24, 2023

A red eye flight makes people DO and SAY crazy things. PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN!!! Love ya!!! Toni xox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. Hello. Welcome. My name's Ryan. I'm here with Dr. Author, bestselling author Tony Lodge. I said author twice there. Yeah. Because that's how great you are. I haven't written two books. There's no announcement coming. Too hard though? Too hard. Thank you. You're welcome. Yeah. Never sell yourself short. Yeah. We are calling Sweden and we're calling Albin. Albin. Albin coming around the mountain. If you keep doing songs like that, you bring out a whole album. Are you sure we're not calling Albin Kirky? Hello, Albin.

Oh, is this the famous Tony? It is. And the guy who's been doing something on the plane? No, it's not. It is, Albin. Hello. How are you? I'm good, but exhausted. What It is, Albin. Hello. How are you? I'm good, but exhausted.

What time is it in Sweden? Almost 11. Oh, come on, Albin. Even me. I go to bed at 9.30 every night. 11's not that bad, okay? But, Albin, will you approve the podcast? Yes, of course I will.

Yes! Hi, this is Alvin from Sweden and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, some of the more explicit artwork you will ever see in this world. Oh, my God. That's on the way, Tony. And yesterday I went through something exactly like what your wife is about to go through. You gave birth yesterday.

But, I mean, maybe even more eye-opening than that. Don't say eye-opening than that. Don't say eye-opening when there's something opening. Okay. Yeah, something opening. Oh, your poor wife. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. We'll get to that later. First though, Tuesday, confessions. These are top confessions. Thanks for sending three confessions, tonyandryan.com.au. The first is from Checkout Chick. Checkout Chick. Checkout Chick. We might need to get some shovels in the podcast studio so we can bury ourselves alive because this is fucking awkward.

You know when you just want to disappear into a hole? See, you're not good with cringy, awkward stuff. I have watched some TV shows from the cupboard, from the pantry. Yeah, because you're like, or with the hoodie. You know when you pull the strings and it goes all small? I started watching The Office from the start and i've been watching it through my t-shirt because i pull it over my face because i can't dare cringe but it's the whole no i know it's the point but i just can't yeah it's so good anyway check out chick working as a checkout chick i

often have customers say they've lost their child or their partner in the store because they went off to look something. As we've said, just one more item. I mean, we're on the record saying that's unacceptable behavior. Yeah. I got lost once in the Bunnings playground. And my mum and my sister Libby were like in the Bunnings. And I was like, oh, I'm going to go to the playground. So in the Bunnings hardware store in Australia, they used to have playground.

I don't know if they still do. They used to have playgrounds. One little slide next to the playground so in the bunnings hardware store in australia they used to have they used to have playground i don't know if they still do these are one little slide next to the cafe um so but it's like a big tube slide and there's like a little swing and there's that um you know that floor that spongy floor that they have it like a maccas playground yeah it is sticky you like walk off and it's like a nightclub and you got lost in that um so i was in there and my mom and libby were in the shop and i was like yeah i'll just hang here like i'm a grown-up yeah and um i got so stressed out because it felt like she'd been gone for an hour i thought that my mom had left me there yeah and i cried at the top of the slide at the bunnings car um in the bunnings playground and the people that were in the cafe were all like what is going on and they had to call my mum over the loudspeaker. Oh, that's so embarrassing.

They're like, could Tony's mum please come to the bunnies? That's so embarrassing. And all I see is, like, my mum sprinting down aisle 25. Has she broken her leg or what's going on? And I was like, I thought he let me. And how long had it been? Probably, like, six minutes. Yeah. I could still see him, no. Far out. And how long had it been? Probably like six minutes.

Yeah. I could still see him. Far out. Yeah. So they had to do the loudspeaker thing. Mum was like. Is that why you don't like being left places? Yeah, it is.

So when Tony and I fare away for work and we've got two hotel rooms, can I come in yours? Yeah. Like during the day. During the day. the day i mean oh that was the last wasn't it yeah what are you trying to hide man remember that time when we had like the afternoon to kill should we nap should we and then like oh let's order room service and we snuggled

is that what we said don't do this no i was like i don't want you to get left i don't want to get a loud speaker in the hotel uh could tony's business partner please come to back to tony's room she's scared could tony's co-host please come back to room 201 i don't even know how hotels had loud speakers they're like this is normally for fires only check out chick said usually i just keep smiling and i always say, I'm sure they'll turn up just by the time I finish scanning. And they always do. It's like a miracle of life.

Oh, yeah. They always just turn up at the end. One day, this really old man came through and I asked, how's your day been? And he goes, oh, not great. I've lost my wife. And check out chick cheerily said, Oh, I'm sure she'll turn up somewhere.

They always do. As I'm smiling and continue scanning, he goes, She died two weeks ago. And I just keep driving around the suburb aimlessly for hours every day because I just don't know what else to do without her in my life. And she goes, no, she's probably down with the milk. They're always in the milk.

Yeah. Nah, she's fine. Nah, she died. I went to her funeral last week. Mate, she's just getting the bread. I wanted to die. Well, like his wife. Yeah.

Sorry. Mate, she rest in peace. Yeah. Rest in the peace? Well, like his wife. Yeah. Sorry. Make sure you rest in peace. Yeah. Rest in the peace? No, no, no. Nice. Fuck, you'd die, wouldn't you? Whoa.

Oh, fucking hell. You would just, it would be that thing where immediately you'd go, that's not, that's what he meant. Yep. Yeah. Yep. Fuck. She just said, oh, I'm really sorry for your loss.

And he was like, oh, and just left. You would just feel awful. What, what did she, do you have any? He was fine. As in like, he wasn't offended. He had bigger problems to worry about. But check out Chick Says. That was years ago and I still think about it and cringe all the time.

There's just nothing you can say after. I don't want to victim blame, but the guy wasn't clear. I've lost my wife. I need you to be more specific, bro. I think, though, there is... At what age does lost mean lost and what age does lost mean dead? Yeah, like at what age do you stop saying I fell over and what age do you start saying I had a fall?

You know what I mean? Like, you know, when old people say, oh, saying i had a fall you know what i mean like you know when old people say oh they've had a fall yeah whereas if i fell over today you'd go oh she's fallen over stupid bitch a few weeks ago you bullied me for tripping over yeah but you fell over you didn't have a fall now i actually feel somewhat vindicated yeah that i'm not having a fall yet yes what age do you start having a fall well that's that's the thing. Like, who knows? All of a sudden it just feels appropriate to have had a fall as opposed to falling over. I think we all agree with this theory, but to make it more specific,

the two of us will do a public service. I'm going to fall on my face once a week for the next 25 years. And just see. And we'll see how it lands. Lands? Nice. But then one day you'll go, oh, he's had a – Mark it down, 42 years and three weeks.

Oh, my God, it's happened. Finally happened. But I think with context clues, you could probably work out what he meant. If I said I've lost Bridget, what would you think? Well, I mean, I would assume the shops because i know you but if a stranger said she like oh i've just lost my wife like i don't know but she's running actually but the the checkout shit like what was it like in the store like yeah what because imagine if he went oh i've lost my wife and she went i'm so sorry and he went no she's in the fucking hill

like yeah i'm sorry your You're lactose free. Yeah, you know? Yeah, yeah. Oh, I don't think there's any winners there. No. Yeah, you're right. He had to be more clear. Yeah.

It's definitely, he's the bad guy in this story. Yeah. Just a little quick one here before we get to our most fucked confession we've had yet. But first of all, in general, is it fair to say people in the TARP community. Tony and Ryan podcast community. Yep. Are lovely as fuck. Is that?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. We're very lucky, aren't we? Wow. Oh, no. My ex cheated on me with someone who knew we were in a relationship. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

Hang on. My ex cheated on me. And the person they cheated with knew they were in a relationship. It wasn't like they hooked up with a person and found out later that. So I'm dating someone. Okay. So you and Torbs are dating. Yeah.

And Torbs cheats on me with producer Cam. Yeah. Who knows that Torbs hasats on me with producer Cam. Yeah. Who knows that Torbs has a girlfriend. Yeah. Okay. Cam, why'd you do that? See how that's worse. Like if you pick up in a, like have a one night stand and then you find out later they're in a relationship.

Someone's like wasted and you go, fuck, well it happens. But it's like not on you. But if you know they're in a relationship, then it like, you're both in the wrong there. Yeah. A few weeks. I mean, I think're both in the wrong there. Yeah. A few weeks. I mean, I think it's more on Torbs. Absolutely. Because he's the one choosing that.

Yeah, but if Cam knows you're in a relationship, then he's also doing no good. Bloody naughty territory, isn't it? Yep. Whereas if you hooked up with a stranger. Oh, yeah, it's not my responsibility. And then the stranger goes, I didn't know. Because if we're two consenting adults i go

well it's obviously fine because you said it was fine i said it was fine you know yeah all right a few weeks ago i heard the person that my now ex cheated with approve this podcast 99 what yep so imagine you've been cheated on and you break up with your partner. The person that your partner hooked up with and cheated on you with, you're listening to your podcast trying to escape the day. Your favorite podcast. Yep. And then who turns up to approve a podcast?

The cheating. That same asshole. Literally that same asshole. That same asshole. Literally that same asshole. 99% of tarpers are awesome, but there's some evil among us. End of confession. So we don't know who it was. Well, it can only be one of, they said in the last few weeks,

so there's only, what, 15 options? 20, yeah. One of them is a dog. Oh, my God. And they're probably listening to this right now. Yeah, so that person's listening to this going, oh, I didn't know that Mike listened to the, you know, like. Yeah.

Maybe they'll hook up now. The triangle. Maybe they'll hook up now. I don't think so. There seems to be a bit of resentment there from the confessor. Oh, my gosh. Do we have, like, some duty of care in this situation? Yeah, we're an accessory to crime.

Yeah. Proceeds of crime. So what do you think that what we should do? Like, do we have, like duty, like a responsibility now? To approve the podcast, you have to be in Patreon. Yep. So we've taken money from a cheater. I think we should donate the $4 to victims of cheating.

No, Tony doesn't like giving money back. No, fuck off. Unless it's to an Audi dealership in exchange for some wheels. No, we are an accessory though. We are a part of this. I feel really, I wonder if something like that's happened before. I've never thought about someone being on the pod, whether they approved it or we read their comment or something.

Who's done something bad. And people go, oh my God, is that Jenny Smith? Oh, I know them or whatever. She stole my car. I mean, Jenny Smith is obviously a very generic, Jenny-eric name. So that could be anyone. But, you know, like. Oh, she knows Joe Bloggs.

I've never thought about that happening before. What do you think we should do? Accessory to crime. You might be called as a witness in an adultery case. I might be. Yeah. What should I wear to court, do you think? Actually, on tomorrow's show, Judge Tony will be making an appearance.

You don't quite know what that is yet. Okay. What will you wear to court? When I went for jury duty once, I wore like a collared dress. Oh, a bit like the dress that I wore for my choir audition, like a gingham like collared dress and like flats. Have you ever done jury duty?

Save it for tomorrow. Oh, okay. Yeah, because Judge Tony, this is what I want to. Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah. Do we have, this is what I want to. Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah. Do we have, what should we do in this situation? Should we send the, oh, we can't even send the confessional

a little chocolates or something. No. I think we just got to sit with that and just know the pain we've brought to someone's life. I mean, if we've handed the mic to a cheater, imagine who else we've talked to. Well, the law of averages and the fun fact you brought to the table years ago would suggest that someone has probably approved this podcast

who's committed murder. The law of averages would suggest that one of them has. How many episodes have we done? 300? 400? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, one in 500 people have killed a guy, I would have thought. Do you think that we've spoken? That's spooky.

That's spooky. I've never thought about that before. I thought you said, I've never killed a guy. I didn't say that. Let's get on to this next confession. Oh my God. I'm just going to read the headline and we'll push on if we can. Okay.

Okay. I once accidentally cooked and ate my roommate's pet. Accidentally. My old roommate had a pet chicken who i fucking hated for those of you playing along at home tony's jaw has hit the floor i really didn't know what animal it was gonna be what were you thinking well i was like what pets could be accidentally or, you know, acceptably eaten? You know, because you can't cook up a dog, can you?

Because that's like a heinous fucking thing to do. Then I was like, a fish maybe? Did they have big fish? It was a pet chicken called Ducky. Oh, that's quite cute. It is. Both the roommate and I were always away for work, and one night I didn't get home till really late,

and I was tired and hungry, and seeing a chicken in the fridge was an absolute godsend. I grew up on a farm, so plucking and butchering a chicken was no big deal. What? No, no, no, no, deal what no no no no no no say that again they got home really late yep and just needed tired and hungry and seeing a chicken in the fridge was a godsend when you're tired and hungry you're not plucking a chicken you're heating up a mega ring or a two minute noodles

or an easy mac or they grew up on a farm for them it was like no i'm not saying that they don't have a problem like doing that job that's that's not the problem here the problem is when it's midnight do you go oh i'll pop a roast on no no fucking way there's nothing accidental about this and i'm calling it right now i found out from a mutual friend the next day that they were holding a memorial for the chicken and that the body was to be cremated when my roommate returned from his work trip later in the week i hadn't even realized his pet chicken had died it lived in a coop out in the backyard i didn't like it i never checked on it i didn't even yeah his pet chicken had died. It lived in a coop out in the backyard. I didn't like it. I never checked on it.

I didn't even. Yeah. It's not your pet. You probably wouldn't. Yeah. Cross paths. When I asked my friend. Why did the chicken cross the path?

When I asked what happened to the body, my friend goes, oh, didn't you see it in the fridge? I bought another chicken and killed it and left it in the fridge in a box. And besides the Tony and Ryan podcast, I will take this secret to my grave. Bought another chicken and killed it snap and so now there's just some random chicken in a jar in the house yeah well it's almost as bad as the um the ashes at the pub that turned out to be... Almond flour. Almond flour, yeah. Are there any real ashes in this town? I...

I just don't believe that you could do that by accident. Yeah, but you're someone who doesn't like to cook or do admin. No, but I'm saying, like, if you got home late, you aren't going to pluck a fucking chicken but if you grew up that's just like normal for you no but i'm hungry oh there's a chicken there okay i'll pluck a chuck in the oven but like okay how long do you think that plucking a chicken takes if it's late i don't know no the thing is surely you get what I'm saying. I do, but I'm just thinking like where in the world, maybe they're in a small town in Outback fucking somewhere

and there isn't KFC or something. No, but surely like it's late. Yeah. You're hungry. There's nothing in the house besides a chicken. And maybe late means eight people. I don't know. Again, I can't ask all the questions because it's not a risk. I i don't know again i can't i just don't think i know i

know are you suggesting murder i just don't think that it happened by accident but then why would you kill and break another chicken chickens i mean yeah yeah that doesn't really add up considering there's evil among us and there's cheaters and we said maybe a murderer listens to the pod maybe are you saying this is the murderer they're a chicken killer well they did kill another chicken i'm not i'm not suggesting they murdered two no no no i'm not saying that but maybe they went i just hate that a mass murderer i just hate that chicken so much i'm gonna eat it and i'll fuck another one up just to like cover it up. But it was already dead. No, but that's what I'm saying.

I don't think he killed it. But just to be like, I'm going to eat that chicken. I just don't know why you would pluck a chicken late at night. Yeah. I'm really stuck on that. I'm really stuck on that part of it. You are really stuck on it, yeah. No, but I'm saying like there's just no way that that's like the easiest late night option.

I'm sorry, I just can't get over it. Not everyone is on platinum standard with Uber Eats like you are. I'm not. I said toast, easy. Like there's a million things that you could eat that would be easier than plucking a fucking chicken. I would suggest anything is easier than plucking a fucking chicken. So then why aren't you on my side here? Because I'm just reading the story, bro.

Don't shoot the messenger. He said that's all I had, so that's what he had. No, but that doesn't make sense. Okay, I think what you're struggling with is the I didn't have any other options. Yeah, so then get the MigaRank. Yeah, but I didn't have any bread, but just cook some toast. Oh, okay, so if you...

Not all of us live next door to a Coles. I'm not even saying going to Coles. I'm saying there is just no way that you get home late and you're hungry. No, hang on. Let me talk. Let me talk. There's just like, if I've gotten home late and I'm hungry and there's like nothing easy in the fridge or whatever. Nothing at all except the chicken.

Then I would just go to bed and I would like have something in the morning. And that's when I would then go to the shops or whatever. Right. And so I just don't understand how you get home. All that's in the fridge is a full chicken. In a box. And you don't just go, okay, cool. I'll just like have a big breakfast tomorrow or something.

You've obviously never been hungry enough. So if you got home late one night and all that was in the fridge was like a roast. Like, so I'm not suggesting you plug it because obviously you wouldn't do that. Put the oven on. But you wouldn't. Yep. No, you wouldn't. I don't know. The tide always outweighs the hungry for me so there's no like oh hungry always wins in my house oh no tide always wins

if i'm like really i'll just go i'll just go to bed no i'm just having a maybe this is tired versus hungry the great debate into yeah oh yeah so if i'm like if i'm really hungry and i'm really tired i'll always go to bed first. That's good play. That's actually the right decision. Yeah, I'll never pick food. Like a chicken, yeah. But I'm really like... And also, if you...

I don't live in a share house, right? My housemate Torbs and I, we're kissing friends. But if I got home and there was a whole chicken in the fridge, I wouldn't just go, oh, well, I'll just have that. Like what kind of house are they living in where that's all good? And he goes, oh, well, it's just a chicken. It's just a whole chicken. How would you feel if Torb's was getting home at, say, 10 o'clock

and you were getting home at 11 o'clock and you walked in and there was just chicken feathers all over the place. Yeah, that's what, yeah. Like, but how, like, what world are we living in where we walk into the share house and we go, oh, a whole chicken or some meagre. Oh, I'll go the whole chicken. Maybe meagre wasn't an option. Yeah, I know.

You just keep inventing. You know, meagre is a thing that can, like, exist not in the cupboard. I'm just saying. There's absolutely nothing here. Cool. Get the meagre. I'm just saying. There's absolutely nothing here. Cool, get the migering. We're in Antarctica. Oh, don't worry.

There'll be some migering somewhere. You'd be great in the TV show alone. Yeah, because I'd just find some migering. It's easy to find. Why are they so hungry? Just have some time. Hi, this is Alvin from Sweden, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tappers.

Jessica Farley, thank you so much. Thanks, Jess. Austin Anderson. Love to see you, Austin. Thank you. Debbie Downton. Does that not sound like a... Like Debbie... No, like it sounds like a hot fake pen name or porn name or something.

Yeah. Porn star name. You know how it's like, oh, your dog and your mum's made a name or something. And Debbie's Dallas Dallas, obviously one of the classics. Morgan Flanders and Mimsy. Thank you so much. Mimsy. Thank you very much.

Hey, don't forget the Normal on Our Card game is out and about. People are putting their orders in. They'll be sent in the next week. If you go to the link in our bio, which is in the show notes or TikTok, Instagram, wherever, the link's at the top. The Tony and Ryan Normal on Our Card game. It's very fun. It's real fun.

We like it. The illustrations are fucking hilarious. So good. Normal or nah card game. It's very fun. It's real fun. We like it. The illustrations are fucking hilarious. So good.

So yesterday I went through something exactly like what your wife's about to go through. You go first. So. You plucked the chicken. The thing about like giving birth. And I remember I asked. Oh, you actually did. So I don't want children at this point in my life and like that's kind of by the

by but i remember when i was a kid talking to my mom about like her having kids so i've got three siblings so my mom had four children and i think maybe i was watching like something on tv or maybe i just had like sex ed at school or something and they went oh giving birth's just the worst thing that like so painful it's so terrible and I was like mum like does giving birth really hurt and she was like yes yep and then I was like well like if it is really painful when you give birth, why do people do it? And she was like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, like, if it's, you know, it's really painful beforehand, like what's the, you know, like.

What's the payoff here? Well, yeah, like if something really hurts, you're like, well, I'm not going to do that again, you know. But you did it four times, you idiot. Yeah. And I was like, if giving birth hurts so much, then why do people keep having children? Okay.

And mum was like, well, like, yeah, it is really painful. And I was like, what does it feel like? She was like, well, that's the thing. She goes, it's so painful. The environment is so stressful. There's so much going on. But the second that you hold that little baby yeah you forget all about it she's like i couldn't describe that pain to you i know that it hurt and i know that it was

painful and i know that my body went through a lot but i couldn't actually describe that feeling to you how old were you when you was like you were pretty young i would have been young and i'm guessing that yeah i just had sex ed or something and they were like don't have sex because you'll get pregnant and die and die yeah because were you too young like the uh concept of like short term and by short term i mean like agony yeah of pain versus like a lifetime of love and blah blah blah well yeah so mom goes like oh you know there's all this like there's all this pain and then the second you hold that little baby you're in that love bubble and you just can't remember it anymore yeah i reckon that's exactly like a red eye flight

tony because i have seen one time yeah you got one bad comment someone posted on a video and you called me crying because you thought you were going to be cancelled. What you're about to say is you are wanting to cancel yourself. This is self-sabotage. This is career suicide. You've got to stay up late to get on the plane, you know. And then the moment you hold that plane sleep because it's shit and uncomfortable and you get off the plane at 5 a.m you're absolutely fucked

yeah you know you caught the red but after all that you like remember that like you saved all that money and like you know and you're like oh i saved so much time because i like didn't lose a day on my holiday didn't have to take an extra day at work or whatever. You didn't lose a day. What did you do when you got home? Well, see, that's the thing. As soon as you're, like, through the situation, you go, well,

that was great, but you don't remember all the bad stuff, like how shit it was and that you lose the day afterwards because you have to sleep and try and make up for it, you know? And it's like giving birth first of all do you think the pain of staying up a few hours past your bedtime is equivalent to the pain of i didn't say equivalent i't say equivalent. I said it's like that. The word like means equivalent. No, so it's like that.

It's like you go through all this pain, but then afterwards you go, oh, that wasn't that bad, and you're like forced to forget about it. It's like when you leave like a really shit job. You know, sometimes you leave a really shit job and then you go, oh, but when you're reminiscing with an old friend from that work and you go, oh, well. Wasn't that great? Wasn't that? Or like, oh, do you remember when that one good thing happened?

And you go, yeah, but every day it was so shit. Or like Producer Cam. So what was the good bits about the red-eye flight again? Well, so you save the money because it's a shit fucking flight. You know when you go like, oh, God, that's cheap. That must be good. Well, it's cheap for a reason. Yeah, because no one wants it.

It's a blind demand, baby. Yeah, but then you don't lose a day of your holiday. You don't have to wake up early because you don't sleep. The best thing about not going to bed is you just don't go to bed. Yeah. So the good thing is you don't lose a day right yeah so yesterday when we had our weekly meeting catch up yeah what do you remember of that meeting yeah i was asleep yeah you didn't come to the meeting no because i was because you're asleep because

you got the red island so i got home at 6 a.m yeah and then went to bed and got up at two straight to bed. Yeah. And then I got up at 2. But you didn't waste the day though. Didn't waste the day. See, that's the great thing about a red-eye flight. If you had got a flight at 8am, you would have been home at lunchtime. Yeah.

No, but that would have wasted the day. You weren't conscious in those hours. And you would have full night's sleep the night before and wouldn't have been. And dare I say it, crabby. There was just a feeling like you'd just woken up. Well, I had. Yeah, I know. I had just woken up.

Yeah. So the thing is. Because if you caught the morning flight, you wouldn't have just woken up because you would have got a full night's sleep last night. So you're already doing exactly what I need you to do. Which is what? My thing is, is that I think that in life, we all need someone who's going to be their accountability partner and go, Tony, the last time you got a red eye flight.

I didn't want to use the word crabby. The last time you got that flight, you said, never again. And are you saying never again? And I'm saying I will not do that again. But the next time that I go, oh, but you save so much money. You don't, like, lose a day, all that stuff. So Producer Cam said it's a bit like when you're out and someone goes, let's have tequila.

And you go, in the moment, it's so fun, it's so great, and you don't remember how shit it is afterwards. That is true about tequila. So you do the tequila and then you go, oh, my God, how fun is that? And then the next day you go, why have I done this again? Okay. So this is what I mean. The role you were born to play in life, I believe, is to be a godmother.

A godmother. And we know this. And that's coming. And I can't wait for your daughter to be born so I can be the godmother. And I feel like the role I was born to play is to call you out on your fuck shit. Yep. And it would be an honour and a privilege. Yeah.

And as your accountability partner, I like to set plans and processes to make sure goals are shit. Yep. And it would be an honour and a privilege. Yeah. And as your accountability partner, I like to set plans and processes to make sure goals are achieved. Yes. Exhibit one. We will set a plan and a process to use the stand-up paddleboard six times before the 3rd of March to ensure that it's done. And that's what I said. That's what I said I would do.

How'd you go? That's what I said I would do. So I'd be like, Tony, remember last time you got the red eye? Yeah, but I'm saving 89 bucks and I get the same amount of points. Yes, yes. See, because I'm a points guy. That's the thing. But I think that.

Did you consider using the points to get a day flight? Like to counteract the. Oh, but I don't want to. I'm saving so many points up. I don't want to use them. Okay, Cam and I were talking about this yesterday. We care so much about our points. We're never going to want to use them because then we won't have any points anymore.

I'm protective of them. It's like when you've got really nice clothes and you go, oh, well, I don't want to wear my nice clothes. Well, I'm wearing my nice T-shirt until a nice event and it's been sitting in the cup for three years. Yeah, it doesn't fit you anymore because you put on so much weight. Whatever. R.I.P.

I think I've heard friends of mine, younger single friends, fun friends, talk about deleting Tinder or Grindr or whatever. And they go, oh, yeah, I'm not going to do that anymore because it makes me feel shit. And then on the weekend, after they've had the tequilas and the red-eye flight, they go. Guess what, I've cruised back in. Yeah, they go, oh, you knowised back in yeah they go oh you know

i just i just go oh you know what i think i will go back to jared he wasn't that bad and all of your friends go jared was an absolute cock and he cheated on you and then he approved the tony and ryan podcast yeah and then you go and then you go no no jerry's actually he's a nice guy and his mom is so nice and like i just really miss him and I think I'm just going to call him now. You can see how that's like giving birth. It's not the same, but it's like that. Some people who listen to this podcast are mums, right? Sorry, you know some former listeners of this podcast have human birth, right?

No, so I'm not saying that it's worse. It sounds like that's what you're saying. No, no, no, no. Then you need to listen. I'm saying it's not worse than that. It's like that. The adrenaline and the love that you get afterwards makes you forget how fucked it is.

I'm not saying, at no point have I said it's worse than that or it's as painful. I'm just saying. It's like it? It's like that. That's on the path. No, it's a simile. It's a cancellation.

Not a, what's the word? Metaphor. Not a simile. Yeah. Okay. You know what I mean? As your account. You can get what I mean, right?

Yeah. Yeah. You're still not, yeah. Whose side what I mean? As your account. You can get what I mean, right? Yeah. Yeah. You're still not. Yeah. Whose side are you on? Do you want to be my accountability partner or not? No, I do. I am on your.

Would you like the job? You know I'm on your side. As your accountability partner. Uh-huh. At the start of this year, you deleted the Uber Eats app. Yep. Is it on your phone? No.

Put your phone down. Okay. Right down. Is there anything, what in particular would you like to be held accountable to? Well, I... I won't get on the high horse about Uber Eats because I'm going to use your account to buy us lunch in about 25 minutes.

See, that's the thing. I think that's why I downloaded it for you actually at some point. Yeah, thank you, thank you. So I do remember when my book came out that I said to you, when I, in a year or two years or five years or something... Oh, yeah, say I want to write a book. Yeah, when I say, I think I'll write another book, I need you to go, shut it down. Yeah, fuck, yeah, say I want to write a book. Yeah, when I say, I think I'll write another book, I need you to go, shut it down.

Yeah, fuck no. You aren't allowed to write another book. You wrote one and that was enough. Remember how much you fucking hated it? I liked it in retrospect. I enjoyed the process, but it was fucking so hard. You nearly died. It was so hard.

And so I think that's a great example of me needing you to just be on alert. So if I go, yeah, maybe I will write another book, but you go, no! And you, like, throw the idea out of my head. Like a bodyguard, like, knocking steak out of, like, a celebrity's hand or something. Like in case it's poison. You know on The Simpsons where, like, Homer eats the steak? Yeah, this bit might be poisonous.

Yep. My issue here is that as I feel like there's some conflict between being your accountability partner and also being your number one hype man. Because if you come out and say, I think I want to write another book, hype man Ryan's like, fucking get it, girl. You've got this.

Everyone loved the last one. It was the best solo. You fucking get it. But then accountability partner will like you told me not to let you do that again and your accountability partner probably won't rock up to your house with a deep fryer well i've told but i think that's fun so now i'm in a conflict between being the accountability partner and being fucking hilarious that's really hard actually I don't know what to ask of you now. Yeah, I'm between a ruck and a hard place.

You're in, like, emotional turmoil because of me. I'm about to have a meltdown. Much like me right now because I've had about a minute's worth of sleep in two days because I caught the fucking red eye. Don't get crabby again. But I saved so much time. Well, you failed the fucking test, haven't you? I saved no time. You didn't save any time. Well, you failed the fucking test, haven't you? I saved no time.

You didn't save any time. I would have told you in the meeting, but you weren't fucking there. I think what we need to do. You know how in like pokies venues, the like problem gamblers can have like limits imposed on them? Oh, I didn't know that actually. Yeah know that actually you've got a gambling problem like they can like they'll like you have to leave after 90 minutes or isn't it in their interest for you to stay that's what they've legislated it oh okay so maybe we contact quantus and it's like if you see this lady pop up in the database trying to book a red eye, you can't. Oh, so I'm on the no red eye fly list.

Yes. Quantitative accountability partner. And if anybody's thinking about buying a red eye, you don't save time. It's worth the extra $80, honestly, to fly during the day and just take that extra day off. What did you do in the airport sitting there at midnight? My sister waited with me. Did she?

Yeah, she did. That's so annoying because that's such a shit job. I know. And I was like, you don't even have to drive me to the airport. No one likes driving people to the airport. I'll get a cab. Let me just take a cab. And she was like, no, no, no.

I'll come. And so we got to keep chatting, which is really lovely. That's so lovely. But my eyes are hanging out of my head. Like I'm just sitting there like, and I'm still going to get on this plane. That's so lovely. But my eyes are hanging out of my head. Like I'm just sitting there like, and I'm still going to get on this plane. It's as if you're giving birth. Thank you for finally agreeing.

Because that's not actually what I said. No, hang on. That's not what I said. Wait. Oh, now I'm lost. I'm lost on the metaphor. It's not like giving birth. It's just like that. Let's get the fuck out of here before tony cancer self again uh what i love to speed uh see

i'll tell you what i love to queef yeah um something i love is seeing children's artwork because Because, you know, sometimes it's a bit shit and it's a bit cute. And, like, it just breaks my heart. Have a look at this picture I've just sent you. Hang on, I've got to get my phones on the ground. Are you blushing? No, just what I was expecting. Oh, he looks really proud of himself.

Yep. So it's two, it's like a mountain rangers is what I would say. So two of the mountains in the front, there's a big valley and through the valley is like a waterfall. Yep. And then there's two ice-capped mountains in the distance behind. So it's kind of, it looks like boobs and legs open and a fanny. Yeah.

Do you reckon he knows that, that cute young kid giving a thumbs up? He's got no idea what he's got. And the teacher's, okay, role play. I'll be the kid and you're the school teacher. Miss Lodge, have a look at my picture. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, it's got mountains and the waterfall and then the mountains with the snow on the background.

Yeah. It's like someone snowed all over the landscape. And the big bush is nice as well, isn't it? Yeah. Should we send a pic to mum and dad? No, I wouldn't have thought so. No. Well, I stayed recently with my family and I arrived in the airport.

Do they have a sign? So my nephews, they're seven and nine, and they made me a sign at the airport and they're both holding their own signs. Oh, that's cute. Did it look like a... And I'm just... Producer Cam has just sent you the photo, I think.

And so my nephews call me Aunt Toddy. Toddy. Aunt Toddy, yep. And they made this... Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

And they made this... Whoa! Hang on a second. The aunt... Hang on a second. Hang on. Whoa! Whoa! And they made it to the... Hang on a second. The A's. Hang on a second. Hang on. All right.

So, Aunt, the three final letters of Aunt are U-N-T. Yep. And their A's are looking a lot like a C. Yeah. And... So... So sad. So, I always...

Whoa! I always sit at the back of the plane. And so by the time I got off the plane, everyone walked past and my brother-in-law said that quite a few people went, oh. Hang on. Did they know? The parents? Oh, yeah. Yep.

And they went, oh, Wesley, that's really nice. If anyone will appreciate that. Yeah, it's to welcome Aunt Toddy. Oh, she's Yep. And they went, oh, Wesley, that's really nice of you guys. If anyone will appreciate that. Yeah, it's to welcome Aunt Toddy. And they said, oh, she's going to like that. Wow. And that was in Darwin, wasn't it? Yep. And their slogan is, see you in the NT.

See you in the Northern Territory. Wow. She was seen, all right. Yeah. Now, Wesley, your nephew. Yeah, so he's seven. How's he going at school? How's he going with his lettering, his English?

Do they still do those like word boxes? You know, the word shapes? If you zoom in, you can see that it's like bubble writing and he's shaded it. Yeah. So it's like he should have used the darker colour on the main thing and shaded it lighter for it to not look like what it looks like. Or taken up football.

Or done anything else with his life. No, I think that one's just a little bit funny. Whoa! In an airport. He could have been arrested for terrorism. Tourism? He could have been arrested for tourism, Northern Territory. See you in the NT.

Anyway, that's not my love to see it, but just then when you said that, I thought, oh, I have to share that. Do you have a love? I mean, can you top that? I don't think I can, actually. Maybe I'll save this for tomorrow. Please do, because... And I saw them both standing there with their signs.

I was so proud, and I didn't even notice, because I was so excited to see them. And my brother-in-law went, yeah, I don't know if you saw. No, we saw it. It's pretty fucking hard to miss, mate. Thank you very much. Pleasure to be here. It's taken me a while to come and see you.

And it's probably taken me a while to come back. Yeah, my book comes straight back. Yeah. All right. Tomorrow on the show, what do we have? Oh, tomorrow is an exciting day on the show, what do we have to... Oh! Tomorrow is an exciting day on the Tony and Ryan podcast

because you know how we've previously had victims of medical comedy? Yep. I make jokes to doctors and they never go over well. Tomorrow on the show, winners of medical comedy. Oh, you never hear the wins. You only ever hear the losses. And also, we touched on it a little bit, but Judge Tony

is going to be entering. Judge Tony presiding. So we'll chat to you then. Love you, bye.