Toni and Ryan - Replacement buses are the WORST

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

Things that make Melburnians anxious and I put my fucking big fat foot in my big fat mouth by accident. Ya love to see it. Hahahha Toni xoxox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, my God. Don't do that. Who is that? Shut the front door. Oh, my God. Andrew, it's Tony and Ryan. Andrew? We've lost him.

Quick, get Andrew back. Quick, Ryan, quick. It's Andrew in North Carolina. Andrew. Shut the front door. Andrew, can you hear us? Can you hear us, Andrew? What's going on? Is the shut the front door?

I can hear you. Can you hear me? Oh, my God. Yeah, we can. How much? How are you guys? Oh, my God. We were so stressed, Andrew.

My God. It was like ET phone home. Yeah. Well, I've been waiting. I knew Brian was going to be late. Sorry, we've been gasbagging about home cinemas. We actually were, embarrassingly. Even though

we were running late though, Andrew, will you still approve this podcast? Oh, fuck yeah. Thanks, Andrew. Oh, shut the front door. Hey, y'all. It's Andrew from North Carolina and I approve this podcast Welcome to the show It's just us two friends

Tony and Ryan Wow, wow, wow, wow Okay Good to be in The bus driver, Tony and Ryan. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Okay. Good to be in. The bus driver, Charlie, says hi. Yeah, good. Yeah, I can't believe you made it here, to be honest. Yep, feeling good.

Nah. I'm sorry. What? I'm sorry. That's okay. Well, you said you could say no if you want, and I did, and now I haven't heard the end of it. Coming up today, Tony, all jokes aside, you're a nice person.

You are a great person. You're a nice person. There's some mean, bitchy people in this world. You are not one of them. You are a good friend. I really appreciate that. A good best friend. And so this was, I wouldn't say out of character,

but you definitely put your foot in it and maybe said something out of turn. Didn't realise who else was in the room. It wasn't out of turn, like, rude. I just, like, fucking, yeah, I made a boo-boo. And I reckon everyone probably had a moment in their life where they've spoken up and said something and didn't realise who they were with, didn't realise the surrounds. Yeah, and you just want to crawl into a hole.

I'm surprised you're back out of the hole and into the studio. Honestly, I'm shocked as well. What? No. What are you looking at? All good. What are you looking at? That's all good. Coming up soon. Oh. What are you looking at? All good What are you looking at? That's all good

Coming up soon Oh What are you looking at? Sorry I just got a text message From a friend A really good friend actually Oh

They asking to borrow your car? No He just said Did you want to get a coffee later? Oh Yeah Maybe I'll pick him up in my car That's nice

You should ask this friend If you can borrow their car actually Who is it? Dill. Dill Buckley from Dill and Friends. He would definitely let you borrow it. He's a car borrowing kind of guy. Yeah, only because he didn't pay for his car.

Shout out to the great folks at Mazda for hooking him up. South Morang Mazda. Yeah, great guys over there. Is it South Morang Mazda? It is too. That's the best place to get a Mazda. I wouldn't buy a Mazda from anywhere that wasn't South Morang Mazda. Yeah, I wouldn't ask any friend for a borough car

unless that friend had a car from South Morang Mazda from now on. Which is why I said no because I was like, mate, you need to do yourself a favour and get a car from South Morang Mazda. I really hope it's South Morang Mazda. I saw this article the other day and it said, here's things that make people in Melbourne anxious. And I thought, do I know anyone who lives in Melbourne? Tony Lodge.

Do I know someone who gets anxious sometimes? Tony Lodge. I thought maybe I'll just roll a couple of these off and see how we feel about it. If you're from Melbourne, this beautiful city, you may have experienced some of these. My hometown. Yeah.

And if you're not from Melbourne, if you're somewhere else in the world, this might just shine a light on our beautiful city and what we go through day to day. Did you say it was an article? Are you sure I didn't write it? Because I'm an author and I have a book available for pre-order now. So maybe if it's about being anxious in Melbourne, maybe I wrote it because I'm an author.

Did you write it? No, I didn't. But I just thought that'd be funny. You're not laughing. That's okay. I can see we've let the car gear go. That's good. Is being an author your personality now?

Is being mean? Pre-orders available. Link in bio slash – what's it? Link tree slash 29. Go and buy the book. It actually is great. There's a good chapter. Are you upset?

No. What's wrong? I'm actually anxious about some of these things on the list. Oh. Ooh. Because some have happened to me and they're fucking terrifying. Oh, sorry about that, love. Do you carry notes or change much?

No. Pretty much. Never. I'm an Apple Pay guy. All right. Things that make you anxious in Melbourne. When someone starts cleaning your windscreen at the intersection and you don't have notes or coins on the end,

because usually they're like. They just do it. Well, you'd hope they'd ask. They kind of, windscreen what? And you go, no, sorry, all good, mate. But then now they're just like, they fucking go, if I start cleaning before they say no, then you kind of get guilted into it. Yeah.

They should carry those square things, you know. How much? I don't know, a couple of bucks. At a tip? Jeez, mate. Yeah. Fucking inflation, eh? I'm using a card.

$15. Yeah, that'll be a 15% surcharge. That does make me anxious, but I've never been in the position because as soon as I see them coming, I'm like squared up because I never have cash on me. Because I'm the same, but it's somehow our job to say no, not their job to ask. Have you noticed that transition?

Yeah. You blink, you change the radio station. All of a sudden you've got water all over your windscreen. You don't know what's happened. And this sounds really funny, but some are like obviously the same people kind of go to the same ones all the time. And some of them are like a little bit more forward than others. Yep.

Like there's one particular intersection that I drive through quite often, like Hoddle Street and Victoria Street. Victoria Street, yep. And, yeah, there's been a couple of times where I've had to really put my hand up to be like, no, like, no, thank you. No means no. Don't touch my Audi. These windows are tinted.

What sort of detergent are you using on my car? You do actually have to use a very specific detergent for the car. Do you? Fine. I'm surprised it doesn't clean itself, like a cat. That would be really good. Like a cat! Or an eye. Yeah. Self- a cat. That would be really good. Like a cat! Or an eye.

Yeah. Self-cleaning. Vagina as well. Self-cleaning. One of the great self-cleaners. Oh, I should have got the vagality. Anyway, and they come quite, and yeah, if you miss it by a split second, it's too late.

You're covered in fucking. And now you're like, well, I've got no coins. What am I going to do? So what do you do? Yeah, what do you, like, give them your phone? Like, I don't know. What do you do? I've offered do you, like, give them your phone? Like, I don't know. What do you do? I've offered a high five.

Thanks, mate. Up top. Oh, my God. That's made me feel way more anxious than the actual window cleaning thing. That's why I never drive through that intersection now. I go the long way through queue. Because, like, as you're driving up to it, you go, I've got to get ready to say no to someone.

Yeah. Like, I had to pump myself up to say no to you borrowing my car yesterday. God, I'd come back and it's covered in fucking half a clean window and you've broken off one of the indicators to pay someone with. I don't have money, but do you want to take these rims? There's a spare tyre in the back. So in Melbourne there's trams that go on the road in some spots, including where we live.

And so sometimes you're in the right-hand turn lane and you're waiting There's trams that go on the road in some spots, including where we live. And so sometimes you're in the right-hand turn lane and you're waiting for the traffic to come so there's a spot to turn right, but a tram's coming up your ass and they ding you. They do a ding. They're fucking pretty free-go on the ding, I find. They're like, have you ever heard – so you know how trams go like ding, ding, ding? Yep. Have you heard the tram beep?

No. So when they're real fucked off, they've got a beep as well. So the ding is like them like pipping. Really? But they've got like a as well because the other day I was on the tram and someone cut the tram off. Yep. And they were dinging and the guy didn't move and so they used

and I was like, I didn't know a tram could make that noise. I think that was me in mum's car. Oh, and you want me to let you use my fucking car? You don't even know how to drive with trams on the road. No, that's why mum says, can you drive Tony's and not mine. So at the end of the bend, when I turn out of my street there, you know the trams just fly past. Yeah, they do.

And I was going to turn out of that street. And it's kind of a blind corner as well. Yeah, so I got halfway out and then realised, oh, actually there wasn't really a gap and kind of just got stuck in the middle. And usually someone will just like let you in out of sympathy. But then a tram's coming up the side of the T-bone and I'm copping the ding, ding, dings and I'm like. And you don't know where to look.

Yeah, and there's 40 people on the tram. I'm like, sorry. Yeah. My bad. Yeah, because it's not just Jenny from next door. No. It's 50 people on the tram. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's so awkward. Speaking of catching the tram or the train. When you worked in the city, did you catch a tram? Yeah, I catch the tram a lot. Yeah, okay. So we live in Richmond. And in between Richmond and the city is the MCG,

one of the most beautiful stadiums, biggest stadiums in the world. So sometimes you'll be coming home from the city and there's like 10 people on the tram and this is the thing that drives the anxiety. You realise there's a cricket or a football game on. So on your way home on a half-empty tram, you stop and there's 15,000 people at the tram stop all covered in scarves and flags and they've had 58 beers. And they all pile in as tight as they can. When you come up that hill at the MCG and you see the crowd,

you go, oh, fuck, there's a footy on today. It's the same as on the train or when you're walking out of the footy and there is 75,000 people and you know that you're all gunning for that one tram that's only got one fucking carriage on and you're going, fuck, I'm going to be waiting here for about six of my tram to go past. We might as well just start walking. Actually.

Yeah. That's a, yeah, probably a better idea. Yeah, there's nothing worse than the tram coming up behind you when you're trying to turn right. Honestly, it is, I'd rather someone was washing my windscreen. And final one, and I don't know, I'm assuming this happens in a lot of other cities, but as a public transport user, because I don't have a car.

Or access to one to use. I think this sentence, they're trying to be nice. You know, like, hey, don't come to me with a problem. Come with a solution. Oh, yep. They're trying to give you a solution, but there's no sentence that will fucking send someone from Melbourne, and I assume most other cities in the world, more than this one.

Sorry, the train or tram is out of order, but don't worry, there's a replacement bus. A replacement bus? There is a special place in hell for a replacement bus. They're never on time. They're always fucking parked. Stink like shit. They're never on time. Nope. They're always fucking packed. Stink like shit. They're fucking shithouse. And people just don't really know how to catch the bus.

What do you mean? It's like really different to catching the, because like, you know, when you're on the tram, it's like a bit more difficult than the train because it starts and stops and people fucking like, you know, maybe do a little bit of a tip or whatever. But a bus, you're in the traffic. So people are just fucking like not tip or whatever. But a bus, you're in the traffic. So people are just fucking like not good at standing up on a bus. So there's always an issue.

You're fucking standing there with your backpack and you turn, you take four people out with your backpack, you knock a child out. Like, you know, there's just all this stuff and then they've got the like area for prams and then there's always people standing there. So a lady gets on with a pram, they can't fucking get anywhere. They're stuck in there. Oh, my God. It is the worst thing ever. They're always running behind.

Like you said, they smell like shit. Somehow it is just the worst way to go about anything. They'd be better off giving people just cab charges. Just go, you know what? Just get a fucking taxi. It's on the Victorian state government. Well, there's a state election coming up. Maybe if Dan Andrews said, hey, if re-elected,

no more replacement buses, cap charge. I'll give you a cap charge. It's good for the economy. It's just occurred to me going through this list that the thing that makes people the most anxious in Melbourne is public transport. If only we all had cars or friends with Audis, we could avoid this problem. I'll give you a lift, mate.

Grab the cab charge, though. I'll charge. Take cab charge. Thanks, Dan. Hey, y'all. It's Andrew from North Carolina, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. For a limited time, switch to Shopify point of sale,

and you could save up to 20% and improve your bottom line. For a limited time, switch to Shopify point of sale, and you could save up to 20% and improve your bottom line. We're so serious about savings, we've made this ad 20% shorter. That means you get six seconds back. Just enough time to visit Shopify.com slash POS20. Now that's an efficient ad. Eligibility requirements apply. See Shopify.com slash POS20 for details. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

You can check it out anytime you like. We post heaps of bonus content over there, stuff that you don't get to see behind the scenes, long versions of stuff that don't make it into the video show, live streams twice a month. And also in our show notes, there are links to pre-order my book. Shameless plug. A big thank you though to a few of our champion darpers.

Katie H, thank you so much. Emily, Ray Guzman, Eugene Martyr, Alex Hillman and Troy Juby. Juby. Yeah, the big jubes. The big jubes. Yeah. J-Dog. The big jubes are the big pubes.

I've always said that. Pubes. The word pubes. Pubes is fucking weird, isn't it? How old were you when you first got pubes? Do you remember? I actually don't. No.

Me either, actually. Are you sure? No, I don't remember. I remember the first time when I first got armpit hair and I was, like, very confused and I was like, Mum, I don't think this is right. I think this is not for me. And she was like, yeah, happens to the best of us. And I also remember.

It happens to literally everyone. Literally everyone. And I also remember getting hair on my toes. And one of the girls at school said like, well, you know that? If you have hair on your toes, it means you've got hair on your fanny and everyone will know you've got pubes and that's so embarrassing. And I like overheard them saying that and I was like, oh, my God. So I shaved my toes.

Doesn't it grow back thicker then? Do they get really hairy toes? Yep. I've got the hairiest toes and I have to shave them like every day. Are you joking? I'm actually not even kidding. Do you want me to show you? Oh, I think I just did them last night.

Well, if you do them every day. Yeah, I think I just did them last night. So there probably won't be anything there. Every day? Well, I don't do it every day, but like they fucking grow back overnight. If you were to go out in public, you would. Yep. If you had an open toe. there. Every day? Well, I don't do it every day, but like they fucking grow back overnight. If you were to go out in public, you would. Yep.

If you had an open toe. They are like a thick black hair on my toes. It's like awful. I had my legs waxed once. Yeah. And they're like, did you want me to do the toes? And I was like, that's embarrassing to us, but obviously yes. And it fucking hurt.

It does. Yeah. But it was like a tickle hurt because it's so like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a pinch. Hairy Toe Tony. That's what that was. Yeah. But it was like a tickle hurt because it's so like. Yeah. Yeah. Hairy Toe Tony. That's what that was. Yeah. But so now because that girl.

Hairy Tony. Nice. But yeah, because of that girl now I have to shave my toes all the time and it's so fucking cringe. And like if I leave them for a while, like if I just don't think about it or whatever. After a cold winter. They get really long.

It's like a dog's whisker. Could we do a braid? Probably. It's honestly like one of Pippa's whiskers. It, like, pokes out and it's thick and black and, like, super coarse. Would you say aggressive? It's an aggressive hair. Yeah, if you looked at it in the eye, the hair would be like.

And that's the show. Yeah, see you later. Actually, and you know what? It doesn't matter what you say about the toe hair because nothing is more embarrassing than the situation you put both of us in a few weeks ago. Oh, did someone say my toe hair? First of all, basically, you know, you say something out loud

and you want to crawl into a hole and die because you didn't realise who was in the room. You didn't realise how it came across. So, Tony, tell me how you'd react in this situation. You said something about the waiter. You know, a waiter that's a bit rude? I did? No, no.

If you were in this situation. Hypothetically, yep. The waiter's a bit slow or they got your order wrong and you went, oh, fuck, I want to deal with that. And you didn't realise that they were, like, behind you. Okay. Fuck, he's taken a while, eh? Oh, who had the flat water?

Oh, that's us. Yeah, thank you so much. That's probably what I would do to try and cover it up. I'd get louder. I'm more high-pitched. And aggressively positive. Yeah, I would. Toxic positivity.

What would you do? Would you say sorry? Do you cop it? I'd just sit there awkwardly. See, I think you've got to kind of, you know what else I've done, is go like, God, they're taking forever. And then you notice that the person can hear you and you go, you know how we were talking to Sarah and Matt the other day.

They're just taking so long. Then you try and like work other people into the story. What about if you're like, oh, they're taking forever and then they hear you and you go, it must be so hard here on the weekends. That's good as well. Yeah. Yeah, fuck, this job would be awful. I'd tap my hat off to them.

It's, you know. Schoolfriend complaining about a teacher not realising the teacher had already walked into the class. Very awkward. And when you're a school age person, you're not good at recovering. No. You don't have any social skills yet. Or subtlety.

No. So you're going, oh, she's a bit of a witch, isn't she? Then she walks in, you go, Hermione from Harry Potter. You know, like you're not thinking like that. Not you. Not you. Someone else. And then you try and think of the teacher that they probably hate the most.

Mrs. Smeacher. Yeah. Mrs. Smeacher. Yeah. You complained about the messiness of a house in an open home, not realising the previous tenants are there and they heard it. Oh. I think I have done that.

Jeez, they've left in a hurry today. And then they realised that. She goes, thanks, Tony. Come back in about 15 minutes. Yeah. And you go, oh, is this? Nice couch. How did you leave in a hurry?

It's beautiful. I think I've done that because we went, before we moved into the house that we've got now, we looked at millions of houses. We couldn't find anything. Far and wide. We couldn't find anything. Far and wide. We couldn't find anything. And we went and looked at this house and like the photos were gorgeous.

Yeah. Um, and we looked, we went to the open home. There's like, you know, 20 other couples there. Cause we're all fucking only trying to pay as little as possible for a fucking bedroom house. Yeah. And then. A bedroom house.

A bedroom house. Two bedroom house. I don't know why I said a bedroom house. A house with a bedroom. Oh my God. Fancy girl. Fancy house. Two bedroom house. I don't know why I said a bedroom house. A house with a bedroom. Oh, my God. Fancy girl. Broke the budget. And we, like, walk upstairs and we walk into this flat.

It's filled with plants, like a jungle. Like, it looked really cool. And about seven long-haired cats. Whoa. And so I walk in there immediately. My face is on fire because I'm so fuckinghaired cats. Whoa. And so I walk in there immediately. My face is on fire because I'm so fucking allergic to cats. Yeah. And then, like, there's 20 other couples.

It's quite a tight house. And you walk into the bathroom and you can't, like, open the door all the way because there's, like, a kiddie little tray behind the door. And so there's, like, three other couples, like, all trying to be, like, all bit tight in here kind of thing. Yeah. And then I was, like, I kind of gave Torbs a bit of a face.

I was like, you know. What the fuck's going on in here? And then this woman goes, thank you so much for coming. And it wasn't the real estate agent. So she saw me make this like horribly bitchy face. Like when you look at the like you're saying what I'm saying face? Yeah, it was the like there's no fucking way we're going to leave here. And then, you know, you go up to the real estate agent and you go,

yeah, we'll fill in an application. Can you email to me? Can we do that online? Yeah, exactly. Can we do it online? What's your email address? Doesn't matter. Isn't the introduction of being able to do things online just the best

scapegoat ever? Yeah. Being like, oh, it's the same as if you go and look at something in a shop and you go, oh, I think I'll have a look online. You're not going to fucking buy it. You can't afford it. You're out of there. No way.

See you later, mate. Have a great day. So about a week ago, a week or two ago, Tony and I are waiting to go on TV and I'm a little bit nervous. So I'm like, oh, I'm just going to go do a quick little pee. Yeah. A little nervous pee. You're a nervous player.

Yeah. Before we go on TV, I'm going to go do a pee. So I walk like down the hall and around the corner from the green room where you are. And there's only like one bathroom, one toilet. Yeah. And it's like, it's locked. So I come back and you're like, oh, that was quick. And I was like, oh, there's someone in there.

Yeah. Okay. It's about five minutes ago. Okay. So it's about two minutes later, walk back down the hallway around the corner. And I'm like, and like it's still locked so I came back and I'm like

there's still someone in there and I'm like mate like how is someone still in there like it felt like it had been longer than that like fucking five or ten minutes

so it felt like this person had been in there for a while and we're getting antsy because we need to do this thing and I'm like you need to wee we haven't organised this thing yet

and so it's a few minutes to go and I'm like I'm just going to try one more time and if not, fucking we'll see what happens. So I go down the hall and around the corner and just as I'm getting to the bathroom, this guy in a stripy shirt walks out of the bathroom and I'm like, great.

So then I slip in behind him, do my nervous wee, come back to the green room. So I get back to the green room and Tony's there and so is the guy with the stripy shirt. Now I saw the guy with the stripy shirt come out of the bathroom, but Tony had not. Tony had just seen a random guy turn up to the green room. Well, he came to put our microphones on.

Yeah, and so he comes in and goes, all right, mic's on, and then you guys all ready to come through to the studio? And Tony, who again didn't know where this guy had just come from goes well we're ready now because that guy has finally finished taking the longest shit ever so ryan could get into the bathroom let's go and speaking of like the fucking stink eye, I was looking at you going. Ryan looks at me like this. I did not know that a head could turn that fast.

To be honest, it was like the fucking exorcist. You fucking whipped around. I still have a kick in my neck because it snapped sideways as I stared at Tony and gave him the fucking whiplash. The guy here is the guy from the bathroom. He was in the bathroom. And as soon as you flicked around, I was like, fuck. Like, I knew what I'd done immediately.

Well, it had to be someone. There's a lot of people in the building, to be fair. I mean, what are the chances, you know? What are the chances? Like... But... And so you shoot me daggers and I was like – and I try and – so here's me trying to be suave and I'm like –

and I'm like – so the microphone just on the inside of the jacket. Like I just literally – I didn't know what to do. So I shut the door. Like, you know when you walk into a room and a shelf's fallen off the wall and there's shit all over the floor and you just shut the door because you go, I didn't know what to do. So I shut the door. Like, you know, when you walk into a room and a shelf's fallen off the wall and there's shit all over the floor and you just shut the door because you go, I can't deal with that. I shut the door to what I'd said. And I went, yeah, cool.

So if you could just take my microphone to here, that'd be great. I'll be on this side of the camera so that'll be perfect. Literally, the way that you looked at me, I will never forget in all my years. And when I give the eulogy at your funeral, that is something I'll mention because it was just. Oh, and I just. Let's do a quick role play. I'll be the guy.

Yeah. And you be you. Just to give people kind of the, because I feel like there was joy I'll be the guy and you be you. Just to give people kind of the, because I feel like there was joy and hilarity in your voice. Well, I was just trying to like, because I knew you were a bit nervous and so I was like, whoa. If it was anyone else except the guy, it was a fucking great line. Yeah.

I'm just going to put your mic on you guys ready to head into the studio. Oh, finally ready now that that guy's out of the fucking toilet. God, what was you in there? It was a fucking great line. Yeah. I'm just going to put your mic on you guys ready to head into the studio. Oh, finally ready now that that guy's out of the fucking toilet. God, what was he in there, 15 minutes? What did he eat? God, don't go to the bloody. Don't go to the restaurant downstairs. Yes, fuck.

They must have ran out of soy milk. He's on dairy today and he ain't used to it. And, like, the guy, obviously, he saw you going into the toilet. Yeah, he knew. There was just, like, no. Me and the guy both knew that we'd both just been to the bathroom. There was just no combination of anything where people didn't know exactly what had happened. Like when you were saying.

He knew, you knew, I knew. It was awful. Yeah, and when you, like, You knew, I knew it was awful. Yeah, and when you try to make up a side story at the cafe. Yeah. And then we came down to the building. Sydney. This happened in another block. And we flew into town and, yep, now we're ready to go.

There was just nothing that I could do to recover. Like it was like being caught with my pants down. Yeah. Like it was literally like. Ironically, you're the only person with your pants up for that whole story. And like the guy, we've met him a couple of times. Lovely. And he's really lovely, but he's quite quiet and quite timid.

Yep. So could you imagine if. No wonder. Say if I was the person that had been in the toilet for ages and someone had said this and they went, oh, they're finally out of the toilet. And I went, oh, my God, sorry, that was me. Like I would try and like make them not feel uncomfortable. But this guy just didn't say anything.

So then I'm like, oh, what do I do? All right, the mic's turned on just this way, guys. Like he just gave nothing. Like he did not help at all. And, you know, it's not his job to help in that situation it's not his job to help you let's feel like less than an arsehole and he probably he didn't fucking turn my microphone off so i couldn't talk on the tv he probably cried the whole way home on a replacement bus and just went isn't this just the worst fucking day

well i don't know if you remember this you've've just jogged my memory. So you're looking at me and I'm like, fuck, I'm so sorry, with my eyes. Yeah. And then someone else walks in, the producer walks in and goes, bro, what happened this morning? And the guy in the stripy shirt who I've just accused of mad diarrhea goes, oh, yeah, my car broke down and I had to get a taxi. That was so. And I had to get a taxi to work.

He obviously got the cab charge from Dan Andrews. And, like, so this guy has had a fuck of a day. A fuck day. And then some bitch rolls into his workplace. Oh, g'day, champion. Yeah, just put my mic on here. I'm an audio queen, but I don't know how to put my own mic on, apparently. If you could not shit yourself, that'd be awesome.

You put a mic on the Dalai Lama, but I put a mic on you. The royal treatment. Oh, yeah, I actually totally forgot. Yeah, his car broke down that morning and he's like, oh, I've had so many problems with it. I was running late to work and, oh, my God, I'm, fuck, I feel like such an asshole. Couldn't have his morning shit at home because he has to fucking

get on the road. Fuck. Oh, I feel like such an asshole. Couldn't have his morning shit at home because he has to fucking get on the road. Fuck. Oh, I feel so bad. But, like, I didn't say anything disparaging about him. Like, I wasn't like, oh, who's that guy in the stripy shirt that was in the toilet? It was just an unfortunate joke. I wouldn't say anything disparaging about him. It was something like, now that bloke's finished his mad shit.

Yeah, it was like. That's not not disparaging. But it wasn't about him because I didn't know. It was about his bows. It's about someone. I didn't know who it was. But anyway, yeah, it was not great. It was actually really not one of my finest moments.

Like, and I don't have a lot of good ones, but that one was especially not good. I've had a lot of shit times, but that was real shit. That was up there. Yeah, that was not great. I'm really sorry. And I just know how awkward it made you as well. So I just feel so bad.

Like I genuinely feel so bad about it. Like I don't embarrass easily with shit like that, but that was fucking cringe. Like I'm thinking about it now and I just can't even. There was just nowhere to hide, you know? No. No, no. Including the bathroom because it was fucking still in there.

Yeah, you couldn't hide it there. The door was locked. Hey, I'll do what you love to see to get the fuck out of here. This person was ordering a pizza. You know, like, I'm pretty sure every app has like, oh, is there like a note for the kitchen? Oh, yeah. You know, it's often like, oh, hey, mate, no onion.

Yeah. Or, oh, can you just put an extra couple of chilli flakes in there? Except they've got a bit cheeky now because it says, like, you will be charged for additional extras. So if you go, oh, do you mind popping a few olives on there? They go, well, you've asked for the extra olives, so we're putting that through. Is that right?

So anyway, this lady's ordering a pizza and she writes in the notes, can you write a silly joke on the pizza lid? Oh, great. My six-year-old loves jokes. He's not feeling well. And because, you know, when you're not feeling well, you just want comfort food. So he's like, we're getting his favourite pizza.

He's had a bit of a shit day. That's cute. You know what would really brighten his day? Just a little joke. Yeah. I feel like I want to just start doing that anyway. Just see what comes back. I've seen a few like va-va-va-viral like tweets and Reddit threads

of people that have gone like, oh, this was on the inside of our pizza box. Like, it's quite cute. Do you reckon the people at Domino's hate it though? Probably. They're like, fuck, I can't come up with another fucking joke. Just use the same one. They're not going to know. Not the same people.

Yeah, just make sure they're not in the same order. Yeah. So the six-year-old opens the pizza box. Have a look. I just texted you the picture. Oh. So not only did they write a joke, they drew a picture. Oh.

That's actually pretty good. It says, what's a dog's favourite pizza? Papparoni. And it's a dog with like a massive piece of pizza in its mouth. It's a really good drawing. That's so cute. And how nice, because she obviously said my six-year-old, so you knew that something, you know, a bit edgy wasn't coming.

Oh, your six-year-old. What's something you can say in the pizza shop? Put your pepperoni in me. Did you want extra cheese? No, I prefer it without. Yeah, so he's read the room, unlike some in this episode. Sorry. And I just thought, how good is that? It, unlike some in this episode. Sorry. And I just thought, how good is that?

It's just such a cute drawing. I want to get that tattooed on me. That's fucking cute. That is good. That is actually, you should do that. But can I get it as Pippa holding the pizza? Yeah. Pipparoni. Pipparoni.

Can we go and do that? Yeah. And you could get Begeroni. Can we go and do that? Yep. And you could get B-geroni. It doesn't really roll off the tongue as well as pepperoni. Pepperbroni. Spaghetti brononays. Brononays. What's a pizza that starts with a B?

Brown. Oh, sorry. Beef. Beef. Beef J. BJ Hello Chicken. Buffalo. BJ. Buffalo.

You know how now you can get like cheeseburger pizza? Yeah. Cheese BJ pizza. That sounds like a fucking movie you shouldn't watch for the six-year-old. Yeah. Anyway, the mum reported that he loved it and it made his day. That's so fucking sweet. That is beautiful.

And I hope that her little boy is feeling better as well. I'm sure he will be. I just thought I'd say something nice because I've fucking been an asshole to everybody in the world recently. My love to see it is like a very non-wholesome meme that I saw on Twitter. And it says, I don't like when people are outside and I'm trying to parallel park. For real. I need privacy.

Don't look at me! There is nothing more humbling than trying to parallel park in front of a cafe. I'll tell you what, I'm parking somewhere else. I'm driving home and getting an Uber. You know, on Swan Street there was the meatball place. Oh, so like a real cool part of Richmond.

Yeah, and it's on a corner. And me and Bridge used to live not too far from there. And so it's really, it's like a past of meatballs, obviously. But all these different sorts and whatever. But you'd park on the street, like literally at the front. And they had seating at the front. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, the alfresco, it'll get you.

And I did a fucked park and I was like, not only did everyone in the restaurant see me do this shit park, am I going to go now sit in that restaurant? So the waiter watches you and goes, what an idiot, and then has to go, hi, did you want still or sparkling? Still or sparkling, mate. You can't park, so still or sparkling. You know? Sparkling, mate. You can't park, so still all parkling. All right, can we go home?

Yeah, okay. This is really a fucking train wreck. Worse than one of your parks. No wonder I won't leave. I'm a good parker. You're okay. Most of the time. No, you are a good parker.

You're a sexy parker. Most of the time. You do this hot thing, you know, when you do that arm and then you do this. Yeah. When I do that, I see you going. Yeah. Pretty good. Anyway, let's go.

We have to leave. Do you want me to love to see it? That was my meme. Oh, fuck, sorry. I thought we were complaining about parking. Yeah, but I said if you're... Yeah, no, you're right. Sorry I got distracted by being a piece of shit.

See you tomorrow. Pizza shit. Of being a pizza shit. Hey, we've got a special guest tomorrow. We do have a special guest tomorrow. Should we. A bean and pizza shit. Hey, we've got a special guest tomorrow. We do have a special guest tomorrow. Should we say who it is now? Oh, yeah, because maybe then people can go and juice her up on IG. Maddie McRae.

Yeah. She's joining us tomorrow. She's fucking hilarious. TikTok and YouTuber podcast. Definitely seen her online. Yeah, she's a legend. I actually saw her in a Qantas ad yesterday. I saw that as well.

Yeah, I got a sponsored ad and I was like, that's Maddie. How funny. It's crazy. Yeah. So it's a regular episode. So Maddie will be joining us for Normal or Nah, and she's got some fucked dating stories as well. Well, she's single and we're not, so, I mean, we live vicariously.

We're ready to, you know, rub our dirty little mitts together and listen to her dirty stories. What? Oh, when you said rub, I didn't, yeah, I just thought you were going to say something. We'll see you tomorrow with Maddie McRae. Oh, she's not coming in now. She said that. See you later.

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