Toni and Ryan - Roadtrip Horror Stories

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

FIFTH EPISODE FOR THE WEEK?!?! WHO ARE WE?! Horror stories from the road, tomato v bbq sauce, and am I an audiobook person?!?! Thanks for the support on our podcast up until this time to get to 5 eps a week. You FUCKING love to see it. Love ya! T xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hi, is that Morag? Yes, it is. Oh, my God. She's here. Oh, my God. Stop it. Oh, my God.

I'm speaking to T-Lodge and the hype man. Yay! I like that attitude, Morag. You can stay. I mean, look, I have to tell you guys something. It's actually mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary this weekend, and this is still the best thing happening to me, talking to you two. I mean, to be fair, your husband's rubbish, so that makes sense.

But congratulations. Well done. Thank you. He's sitting next to me and just gave me the weird side eye. Well, congratulations. Would you approve this podcast? Of course I would. Yay!

Off. Oh, the rap. Okay, yeah, I can do a rap for Morag. You ready? Okay. Morag. T-Lodge. Here she goes.

Here we go. It's your first wedding, Annie, Annie, for sure. We know that you're celebrating like a whore. You're getting fucked tonight, you know, getting in her ass and in the front, yeah. I mean, that was the best wedding gift ever. I'm putting that as my ringtone. More like your ring, Tony.

How could I lie? That's great. It turns out that I'm actually an amazing freestyle rapper. Does it? Does it? Oh. That's the best. Do you want to take the tape?

I don't appreciate that attitude from you. And her front. Hey, this is Morag from Canberra, and I approve this podcast. Yeah. Hey, this is Morag from Canberra and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Happy Friday. Happy Friday. Legit Friday.

Legit Friday. Happy new financial year in Australia from my accountants out there. Woo! A few sore heads still in school. I was going to say, won't they all be super fucking hungover? You'd be surprised how lame an end of financial year party is. Although a few graduates go hard. I've heard of some loose ones. The young ones still have a crack, but the older ones,

they've seen some stuff. They don't need that. When I first had my first job in radio, it was like my first job, like my first full-time job, but it was my first job in an office. And I remember it got to end of financial year and they're like, we're having this big end of, and you used to work at this place in Bunbury as well. So you know the blowout parties you used to have.

It was awesome. And it came around to end of financial year. They're like, oh, we're having a party. I was like, what the fuck? What is this? Are you going to make us sit around? Are we like counting money? Like I thought it was like, oh.

A piss take? Well, I thought it was like, do we have to do finances? And they just call it a party because they order a Domino's pizza at the end. And we have to audit our stationery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we have to go through and be like, yes, I got paid this much this year or whatever.

But it's actually loose. And I was young. I didn't know what the fucking end of financial party meant. So Tony and I have worked in Melbourne, Sydney, Perth. Don't be fooled. This random small town we both worked at at Bunbury, a few hours south of Perth in the middle of nowhere, that workplace went off.

Loose as. I'm surprised I'm still made at home from the first Christmas party there. I wish I was still getting invited to stuff. Yeah. I'd fucking drive for that. Would you? Yeah, I'd fly home and drive down to Bono, wouldn't you? I'll fly home then.

Okay, I thought you meant drive from here because that's about. I wouldn't drive across the Nullarbor because I watched Wolf Creek. Yeah. And so now I won't drive in the Outback. I'm actually worried about driving to Sydney as well. Well, actually. Do you reckon we'll get carjacked and die? I wouldn't. I hadn't

considered it, to be honest. Yeah, I hope not. Stop thinking about it then. Sorry. Stop manifesting it. Coming up soon, we're going to talk about audiobooks and podcasts and stuff like that, which may actually be handy considering we've got a big road trip. But since you mentioned the road trip, let's just really get

stuck in, shall we? Yeah, yeah. This Sunday you and I are driving from Melbourne to Sydney, which I believe is nine to ten hours. Yeah, about that, I reckon. Now my mum still doesn't know that when I asked to borrow her car it was to drive it from Melbourne to Sydney. And she's currently, for anyone playing along at home, she's currently in the middle of the Outback

and we mentioned it on yesterday's episode, Thursday's currently, for anyone playing along at home, she's currently in the middle of the Outback and we mentioned it on yesterday's episode, Thursday's episode, but I don't think she's heard it because she's like in and out of reception. Yeah, she's busy doing stuff. If she had heard it, she would have messaged immediately. Yeah. She did hear the other day and she was adamant that she's not taking photos with her iPad.

Yes. That was her feedback. But I asked the tapas, the people that listen to this podcast, what could possibly go wrong on a car trip anyway? I mean, now that we've heard Wolf Creek, I mean, apparently. What could go right? What could go right? That's a fucking easier question to ask.

Charlie. Hi, Charlie. Thanks for messaging this through, Charlie. Now, Charlie was a young mum and six-hour car trip. Yep. With a newborn and a toddler. Six hours in the car. Already, I hate it.

Yeah. I already hate it. At one point, says Charlie, we were stuck in traffic and it was loud because of the roadworks or whatever. The baby gets hungry and starts screaming. And when you're in a small car, you can't like, you know, cuddle them. Well, you can't do anything. You can't do anything.

Yeah. Unless you pull over. Wow., you can't like, you know, cuddle them. Well, you can't do anything. You can't do anything. Unless you pull over. Wow. Maybe you can do some things. So Charlie, who's in the passenger seat of the front seat, the passenger seat, it got to the point where I leaned over between the two front seats into the back seat and just shoved my tit in the newborn's mouth. I flopped my person over and just shoved my tit in the newborn's mouth.

I flopped my person over and just stuck my boob in her mouth to shut this baby up and give it a feed. Pays to have big boobs. Pays to have big boobs. Just fucking launch them over the back seat. So if you just picture yourself in the passenger seat of a car, the kind of move you'd need to do to kind of, you're kind of half over the back, You're stuck in between the two seats. Twist backwards.

You're all twisted and mangled. You can imagine the mess you're in, right? Especially if you use the word, I just dunked my boob in a baby's face. I'd prefer you use the technical term. The technical term. Tit. Shoved tit. Shoved my tit in its mouth.

So she's arse up, right? The arse is up in the middle. Her feet are in the front seat. Her boobs are in the back seat. Her boobs are in the back seat. She's like half in the seat belt. Yeah. I'm all twisted and tangled doing this move. My arse is up in the air.

So my toddler thinks it'll be hilarious to pull my pants down, at which time the traffic starts moving again and everyone sees my bare arse, my toddler slapping my bare arse and my boob flopping around on a baby's face. Good luck with the road trip, says Charlie. I'm not putting my tit in your mouth. Could you tell that's what I was angling for? Whether you're crying, bloody murder.

Not putting my tit in your mouth. There's going to be a moment where I'm going to go, jeez, I'm a bit hungry. And then I'm going to look over at you and you'll be like, no. No, Ryan. You can have chips or snakes. No tits. Not yet.

Trinity was doing the drive from Perth to Broome. Now, Toni, how many times have you done that trip? 17 or 18. And how long is the, how many hours? It's like 2,000 Ks. So it's like two full days in the car. Like 10 hours a day, stop somewhere, and 10 hours again the next. Yeah.

So we used to wake up at like 4 a.m. This is like our family holiday every single year, every July school holidays. 4 a.m. we'd wake up. Dad would like carry us all into the car, start driving, and we would all be asleep until a regular time. We'd drive the whole way. We'd drive till about 8 p.m. that night.

Then the following day we'd drive from like 7am and normally get to Broome around 3 or 4pm. That is a crazy. Yeah. And then have to like set up our camper trailer. So we did it every single year. So like I relate to not only the story about driving to Broome but also driving with a

baby because mum and dad, like when I was a tiny baby, it'd be like my brothers and sisters. So I've got two sisters and a brother. So it would be like them trying to like keep me happy in the back seat. Mum and dad would be in the front and obviously it was like almost 30 years ago. So if I was crying, mum would like nurse me in the back. You can't do that anymore.

But back in the day. Back in the day, yeah. Back in the day, yeah. Did you, is there many emus on the road out there? Yeah, and like heaps of different types of animals. So Trinity is doing the trip and this emu runs in front of the car. Now this is a bit of a, maybe a trivia game show, if you will. Yeah.

She slams on the brakes and in the backseat of the car is her dog, a bottle of vodka and a carton of 12 eggs. This is like a fake maths equation. If Trinity has a dog, a bottle of vodka. And only one animal at a time. Yeah, that's exactly what this is. How many eggs does Trinity have? She slams on the brakes and, as you can imagine,

stuff from the back seat is like flying into the front about to hit the windscreen. She's only got two hands. What do you save? She slams on the brakes and as you can imagine, stuff from the back seat is like flying into the front about to hit the windscreen. Yeah. She's only got two hands. Yeah. What do you save? The dog, the vodka or the eggs? You can only save two of the three.

The vodka's going to do the most damage. Your heavy glass bottle. Yeah, so I'm thinking probably. But I feel like you've got to do the soccer mum arm. Yeah, yeah. You know when we're in the car together and I like. You slam on the brakes. I always do that, like the soccer mum arm.

It's really cute because Tony drives like a psycho. That is actually not true. I'm a very good driver. Good, but like you get revved up and you're zero to 100. We've talked about this. My little Yaris. So sometimes you'll get fired up and you'll speed and then slow down. But you do, you put your arm out when you slam the brakes on to protect me

and I appreciate that. You will do. Okay, I'm finding the line. Hand out, yes. Dunk, boob, tit, face, no. Like in the middle, that's our friendship. So what do you choose out of the two? You said the vodka does the most damage. The vodka's going to do the most damage and the eggs are going to be a mess.

If you were a dog owner, you would not have. No, no, no, but I'm just thinking about what could do the most immediate damage. But obviously, I think the dog's probably going to try and save itself. Dogs are smart. Dogs are like the smartest animals ever. After BJ cuddled you all day yesterday, you're going to let him fly and hit the windscreen. But the other stuff's going to do more damage and potentially hurt the dog.

Trinity, rightly so, protected the dog first. Yeah. And then thought, oh, broom's a pretty tough area. I'm going to need that vodka. Yeah. So she saved the vodka. Yeah. Twelve eggs slammed into the front windscreen

and the stuff just went everywhere. That's, oh, what a mess. You know how it's like a cliche to be like, oh, how hot is it out there? Oh, you could fry an egg on that. Yeah. On the way to Broome, it's literally that hot, isn't it? Yeah, it's so fucking hot. So she said not only were the eggs sitting in the front,

what do you call the tray, the dashboard? Oh, yeah, yeah. Not only are the eggs cracked on the dashboard, she continues to drive and they're like. Bubbling away. Sipping away. Oh, my God, a snack. She continues to drive and they're like. Bubbling away. Oh, my God, a snack. Oh, she's made the right choice. She can hang out with the dog, have a drink and fucking have a fried egg.

What a win. What a win. I hope she had some bread in the car or something. Some barbecue sauce. Tomato, though. Never barbecue. Tomato, though. Nah. What? I'd have though. Nah. What?

I'd have barbecue on anything. What? Are you joking? Barbecue sauce sucks ass. I hate barbecue sauce. It's sticky. It's sweet. It's awful. You've described every sauce. They're all sticky. They're all sweet. Yeah, but barbecue sauce. Are you actually a barbecue sauce guy?

I would happily never have tomato sauce or ketchup ever again in my life. There's no moment where barbecue sauce won't get the job done better. Get completely and utterly fucked. Have you not had this conversation with my wife? I have it on everything and she gets really fucked off. I'm the same but with tomato sauce. Okay.

Road trip, get both kinds of sauce. Yeah, both have to fit in the car, which is a cup holder. Instead of our Frank Green water bottles, it's just a tomato and a barbecue sauce. Don't tell your mum. No, there'll be sauce everywhere. Eggs flying around. Eggs flying around.

I was going to say tit juice. I meant milk. Milk is the word I was looking for. Because we were talking about the tit and the tit. It's called milk. I meant to say milk. Oh, me tit juice is gone everywhere. I used to think that, you know how I like soy?

Yeah. I actually like the taste of it. Yeah. I thought it was because I didn't have to juice as a child. I was about to say, didn't you? But obviously. And then someone goes, oh, but like you can have formula that's not soy. And then mum goes, yeah, you could have, but you just didn't like it.

And I thought for 30 years of my life it was like because I had to have soy. And it turns out that's not correct at all. It's like an adoptee thing. Yeah. I've been adopted, soy. Yeah. But mum just goes, nah, you just said you liked it, so I kept buying it for you.

And I was like, oh. Oh. I thought I had. Okay, sure. But also, like, a cow milk is not human. Like, I don't have that as a child. I know. Yeah.

I didn't put two and two together for 30 years of my life. Well, I mean, earlier this week we both said that you were conceived on your mum's mattress. Yeah. We don't really understand how we're both still of the belief that the stalk drops the baby off. Yeah, and that's all you really need to know. Yeah, and watch out for that tit juice. All right, speaking of juice in the car.

Nice. I love juice. Well, don't be careful because this is a story from Alex Fiasco. And let me just say. What a fiasco it was. Named a fuck appropriately. Okay. Actually, there's one part of this story that will send you more than anything else.

And it's not the obvious thing. Okay. Let me just read what Alex said. And again, after hearing these stories, aren't you just revved up for a fucking road trip? Yeah, I'm really pumped. Alex Fiasco. stories, aren't you just revved up for a fucking road trip? Yeah, I'm really pumped.

Alex Fiasco. Me and my boyfriend were driving to a wedding and being the, just let it be known I'm reading what he said. Okay. And being the suckling pig that I am, I was suckling on his pork sword while he was driving. Okay. So no tit juice, but nut milk instead. Yep.

And. Alternative milk, 60 cents. This next bit is going to, I can't unsay this. Oh, my God. Okay. And you listening, you can't unhear this. So Alex, he's suckling on the pork sword. When I'd completed my task, there was just so much volume compared to normal.

I don't know if he was excited for the wedding, but it was just a lot. I wasn't expecting it and it ended up all over his shirt and some of my shirt as well. On the way to the wedding, we had to stop and buy new clothes because the other clothes had... What? You know, because it's obviously stain and it's a bit of a gross product there.

Now, this is the bit that's really going to throw you. Why didn't they pack spare clothes? Well, it wasn't like they're going away for the weekend. They were just driving to the wedding. So they had to buy, like, wedding outfits on the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Like they're driving to the ceremony.

No, like... Oh, I thought you were like, oh, they're driving for a weekend away. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. So, like, imagine he's wearing, like, black suit pants or whatever and if you get a bit of white spilled on them. Oh, they're not good. I know.

For cum on them? Actually, I couldn't think of a worse piece of clothing to give him. Yeah, because it's like that's synthetic. Just stick and the white on the back. Yeah, so when I said, like, they like they had to like go and get new suits. Yeah, no wonder brides wear white. Doesn't she? Well, she is all dressed in white.

When are you going to put the dress on? What a mistake. That's an error. And because of this, and this is what's going to throw you more than the rest of it, they were late. Late to a wedding. Could you imagine? Is that not the worst event you could be late to?

The bride and the groom are standing there. Stop. Holding hands. You know, doing the thing. She's walked down the aisle. And they fucking stumble in. They roll in and someone goes, why are you late? I was sucking his dick and we had to buy new clothes.

You. Alex Fiasco by name. Finish the joke. Finish the joke. Alex Fiasco by reputation. Except I'm imagining that they, like, stopped at a service station and the T-shirt says, like, I love Perth or something. Like, there's no...

You go and stop at a service station and go, do you sell Hugo Boss pants in a 36? Oh, sorry, we've sold out of the 36. We've got a 34 long night. Well, that's not going to do. That's going to do. So they end up wearing, like, a tourist T-shirt. It's $3 off if you get a bottle of milk.

They go, do you have soy? I was adopted. Hey, this is Maric from Canberra and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. I must say thank you to a few of our champion tapas

that have made these five episodes per week possible. Thank you. Kira E, Kelsey Randrup, Josh Belford, Marlon Sultana-Shorts, Brianna Ferguson, Brenda Martinez, thank you so much, Priya Chand, Meg Warnicke, Bec Scrooge, Grace and Jacqueline Summers. You fucking love to see it. thank you so much, Priya Chand, Meg Warnecke, Bex Groose, Grace and Jacqueline Summers. You fucking love to see it. Thank you so much. And, like, it's not just a passing comment.

Thank you so much to everyone that signed up and supported us. We are going five days a week. We're all in. Fucking exciting. We're nervous. We're excited. But without your support, we couldn't do it. So thank you so much.

And we pumped out about 300 personalised videos yesterday or the day before. You mean my dog BJ? Yeah. And everyone who replied said. They loved the BJ content. We were just like, BJ, look, what if we gave you some cash? Would you be happy to take care of all of them for us?

And he was like, nah. He said no. I'll sit and be in them, but I will not type in the email address because I don't have a postable thumb. Yeah, so he's off. His eye bone's flat. To say thank you to one tarpa. That was good.

Instead of iPhone. Yeah, no, I got it. Yeah, yeah. Put that in the show notes. Fuck you. Fuck you. To say thank you to one tarpa. Just one.

Well, we have a lot of surprises and gifts and thank yous on the way. Wink, wink. Tony and I have got something planned for you. Wink, wink. But first of all, a Melbourne tarpa, if you would like a brand new smile, we can hook you up. Tony is doing Invisalign. Yes.

I've had Invisalign. If you would like Invisalign or crowns or braces or whatever. Veneers. Veneers. Yeah. We've talked to Tony's dentist and she's like, I'll hook up a tarpa, all the works. Whatever you want.

It's all free. We'll take care of it all. So you've all heard me talk about Dr Manu from Gorgeous Smiles Dentistry on Exhibition Street in Melbourne. Yeah. She's absolutely fantastic and yet she's going to hook you up with the works. I was going to say fix you up, but like, you know,

when you say, oh, I'll fix you up with that. Yeah. But it sounded like then I was talking about someone's horrible smile. Fixing your face. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll need to fix that. We'll fix that up. We'll fix that up. But like, you know, when you say, oh, I'll fix you up with that. Yeah. But it sounded like then I was talking about someone's horrible smile. Fixing your face. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll need to fix that. We'll fix that up.

We'll fix that up. But yeah, so we're really excited, actually. So right now on our Instagrams, there's a little video and it just says, tell us what you want. And there's a few questions and stuff there. I'm sure it'll be more clearly explained than what right now. Fucking hell, yep. But basically, a tarpa.

It's legit. This sounds like a scam. Yeah, a tarpa is going to get a free brand new smile. And I think I spoke to Dr. Manu. Some of them cost like $12,000, $13,000. It's a big undertaking. And like I said, we've got lots of freebies and hookups and thank yous. Yeah.

But if you're in Melbourne, and obviously this one has to be Melbourne because that's where Dr. Manu is. And it's also like subject to what you're able to do. So if you say, oh, I want veneers, but you've got no teeth, then obviously she can't do that. But she could look at doing something else. I want Invisalign, but your teeth are perfect. Yeah, then there's no point.

So obviously it's subject to what she can do and all of that stuff. There's asterisks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And again, all of this is going to be on the Instagram post, written a lot nicely, nicely-er is what I was about to say. Written a lot nice. You've been flapped since I mentioned my love for barbecue sauce. Yeah, it's really bothering me.

But all of this information is going to be on there, tell you exactly how to enter and all that. But just a big thank you from us. And, yeah, hopefully like that could change someone's life. I reckon my life has been different because I used to be scared of my smile and I had big gaps in my teeth and I was a bit self-conscious. And now I'll smile at anything to people like we get it, mate. Stop smiling at the.

Tony's jokes. But I'm not even finished my Invisalign yet. And I never shut my mouth now. It's always open. And don't we fucking know it. But yeah, it could really change someone's life. So if you feel like you'd like to have a look at that or maybe you've got a mate who, you know, like is, you know,

feeling a bit self-conscious, doesn't have the cash or whatever, we'd love for you to check it out. Next week's movie. Can we say how we're going to cover the movie from now on? Yes. Next week. Yes. Because Tony, do you have a rap name?

Do we give you a rap name? No. We'll figure something out. Because people were loving Tony rapping last week, we're now going to, instead of like doing a movie review, well, Tony's going to review it in rap form. Yeah. It'll be like a review or maybe even like a synopsis,

like what happens in the movie. A pantomime? No. No. The pantomime's a. Pantomime's like acting it out. Oh. No, that's not it. No, No. The pantomime's a. Pantomime's like acting it out. Oh. No, that's not it.

No, no. That's why I said no. Okay, good call. Good answer. So next week's movie, because Tony, when she had COVID, only exclusively watched natural disaster movies, is going to be between Armageddon, Dante's Peak, Twister, San Andreas with The Rock, and 2012 with John Cusack,

which was like an end of the world Mayan calendar thing, which came out in 2009 when some freaks were still like believing the world was going to end in 2012. Probably won't make as much sense now because you'll be watching going, well, this didn't happen. Oh, yeah. But, I mean, hey, John Cusack. Good to see him getting work.

Do we know what the winner is yet? Well, no. It's been posted now, so get voting. Oh, great. Yeah, if you're a TARPA, get voting in Patreon. How exciting. Yeah. All right.

Now, Tony. Yeah. Is it fair to assume that people listening to us now are podcast fans? I hope so. They like podcasts in general. At the very least, I hope they like this podcast. I think there has been a few comments going, oh, I didn't really like podcasts.

I like yours, but the rest are not so much. You, like, don't listen to a lot of other podcasts? I'm not a podcast person. No. You're on the record. Yeah, I know that that sounds really weird. A lot of people think, like, oh, podcasts must be your life. But, like, I think, like, anything,

just because it's your job doesn't mean it's what you. I love doing this. I reckon it's because you used to live so close to work that you didn't have a commute. Yeah. So I've never, like, so when I've mentioned before on this podcast, our podcast, that I've listened to My Dad Wrote a Porno before. And that's when I was working at that job in Bunbury that used to have the crazy parties um I was working there and every weekend I would drive like three hours home yeah right um and yeah so I kind of got into that a bit but I just like got a bit like stopped driving and then I didn't need to do it and which is why it's surprising that you came over yesterday

and boldly announced to the room, I think I'm going to be an audiobook person. I just say so many things. I'm a thing-sayer. Maybe that's my thing is that I just say these, like, crazy sweeping statements. And then I said, if you don't have the patience for a 30-minute podcast episode,

why do you think you can spend eight hours on an audio book? And then you and I got into a tears because I, as we've discussed, can't really read that well. Yeah. And then I think just my – I've already moved on mentally by the time I finished page one. And then if I'm listening to an audio book, I'm like, just give me the five – give it to me in ten minutes.

Like I don't have hours and I don't have a car, so I'm not driving with the radio, like with the audiobook on. Yeah. So I don't have a natural, logical time to listen. Yeah. But I was all anti-audiobook and you were like, no, that's who I am now. Well, see, the reason that I think that an audiobook would be good for me is because I actually love to read, but if I'm ever like on the couch or before I go to bed or something,

I'm like, oh, I don't want to sit here and do nothing and only read. But instead I would just like go on TikTok. So you think at that time you're about to go to bed, oh, maybe I'll listen to my audio book for 20 minutes. Does that close my eyes and not off or is that the kind of vibe? I'm thinking that maybe I would get more reading done via audio audiobook if I could like listen to it on a walk or whatever. How often do you walk? Well, not very often because I get so sick of my music

and whatever I'm listening to. Oh, so this is going to like encourage the walking. Well, I hope so because, you know, when you, well, you don't, but like, you know, when you get super into like a TV show or a book or a podcast or an album that you can't stop listening to and you, like, want alone time so you can do it? Enjoy it, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking that that is going to happen and it's going to, like,

spur me on because I've got real, I've talked about this before as well, listening to new music, watching new YouTubers, all of that stuff, gives me anxiety because I don't know if I'm going to like it yet. And I don't want to, like, commit to going on this walk and don't know if I'm going to like it yet. And I don't want to like commit to going on this walk and not really know what I'm going to be listening to or start listening to it. Say I listen to some like fucking podcast about, I don't know. A science one that my wife loves.

A science one, right? And like, yeah, the information's good, but you've got to deal with the banter at the beginning of like, oh, how are you going, Joan? Oh, well, this morning at the car park, fucking this happened. I don't care. I'm listening for science. Don't say that with that tone because that's literally what you and I do. I don't want some shit podcast where they don't fucking talk about anything.

We're not pretending to give information. That's a good point. That is a good point. That is a good point. I take it back. Yeah, I know. We didn't promise anything. We even took the fax away so that it didn't seem like we were trying to get somewhere.

We were trying to teach you something and no. And now we know our place and we're going to stay in our lane. We are a brain break. But so yesterday I was at your house and we were working and I walked home. I bought an audio book on the way. Did you? Yeah. Fuck you.

It was fucking great. What did you get? I bought Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I have read it before. Yeah. But I was like, at least I know it's a book that I like. Yep. Test the waters with something I know that I like.

It was really good. I didn't lose focus. I, like, stayed on track. Interesting. It was easy to follow. You're saying this is your gateway to audiobooks and this could be who you are now. I think so.

Was it Mark Manson? It's not him narrating it. Okay, right. It's somebody else narrating it. Tell me if this is a piece of shit move. Okay. I've got an. Oh, my God.

What? I've got an app. Yeah. Called Blink List. What's that? Blink 182. Travis Barker. He's in hospital.

Oh, my God. He's got pancreatitis. We're all very worried. And that was the end of my story. It's an app called Blink List. And what it does is it takes books and brings them down to 12 minutes. Just gives you the dot points. Just hits the spots.

So, okay, I feel a sigh and a bit of anger there. So what they do is someone there reads it and then goes, oh, cool, 12, how many chapters in Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck? 10, 12, something like that? Sure, yeah. So say every chapter's got a theme. Yeah. It'll spend one minute on each chapter going,

so the theme of chapter one is if you think about this, then you end up doing that. So the author advises that you do this instead. Chapter two, and you can just knock out a book in 12 minutes. You are such a piece of shit. I thought you'd say that. I was nervous you would say that. Because here I am thinking, I'm just ticking off books. I'm reading stuff all the time. I've listened, I've read three books this week. So do, and that's what I think I get too bored reading a book when I'm just like,

just give me the info, bro. Okay. Here's seven. What's that old classic like how to influence people and make friends? How to? It's like seven tips of highly effective people. They're clearly, I've said three different books. They're all, there's just words there. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's really effective. Yeah.

How to communicate good. It's like here are the five communicate. Just tell me the five things. I don't need to hear a 57-hour backstory. But you miss all of the nuances that like the author has put into the book. I'm not here for the author. the five communicate just tell me the five things i don't need to hear a 57 hour backstory but you miss all of the nuances that like the author has put into the book i'm not here for the author i'm here for the five things do you know what how do i not give a fuck i'm gonna relate this to you to an example that you're gonna understand i don't know if this is only the other day we were talking

about uh i can't even remember how it came up. We were talking about making movies. Yep. And you said. Oh, fuck, yeah, this is so, fuck you. And you said, because at one, was it 2012, you made and produced and directed like a movie that came out at the Comedy Festival, right? Melbourne International Comedy Festival. I wrote it and produced it, yeah. Someone else directed it.

I don't know how to do that shit. Sorry, yeah. I don't know how to do a lot of stuff. But you were like, you put all this time into writing this film and you, this is a quote. Don that shit. Sorry, yeah. I don't know how to do a lot of stuff. But you were like, you put all this time into writing this film and you, this is a quote. Don't use my fucking, yeah. This is a quote from you off the air, so don't go back and try and find it.

It's not like on the podcast. You said, and from that day I learnt to never criticise a film until you've made one yourself. It was such an undertaking. So much work goes into it and you just don't realise. So when you watch a movie and you go, oh, don't know about that lighting, you know, so much has gone into that and it's such a big job,

I will never, ever criticise a movie again. Is that what you said? Sounds familiar. I also said, because you know how there's professional movie critics? Yeah. That they can just watch a movie for two hours and go, oh, I didn't really like it. You go, mate, someone probably put four years into that

and you're just going to sit there and just brush it off and go, oh, whatever. How long do you reckon it takes to write a book? A while, I'd reckon. I'd say, well, Mark, he said he's put about two years into that. Yeah. Minimum. And I'm going to punch it out in an app where he doesn't get paid

for it in 12 minutes. Yeah. And, like, if I wrote a book and you did that, I'd be really upset. What if I bought your book and then told you it was great? Yeah, that's fine. Great. Fantastic.

So have I convinced you that you should read the whole thing? How do I say this? Morally, ethically, yes. But you still won't. Practically. Fair enough. You're just not a book guy. I'm not a book guy.

That's okay. Don't tell the people who I do my MBA with at Melbourne University that I can't read. Yeah, what are you reading? The spark notes from the lecture or something? Literally. Did anyone write a summary? Well, I actually care about other people

and the effort they put into writing things. I respect, don't get me wrong, I respect the work. No, no, no, but I respect people and I respect their time, so obviously I'd like to share that and open up to you about something that I read in our Facebook group, which you probably don't give a fuck about. You see it and you go, fucking give me the highlights,

bitch, don't care about it. Don't, because I know what you're going to say and I actually am very proud of this person, so don't fucking drag me down. Can't believe you even fucking wrote it. I wrote a comment on it. Obviously they fucking just sent you a summary. Dan shared in our Facebook

group this week, saying, hey Tarp family, just want to get something off my chest. I had my top surgery 12 hours ago and already feel like my true self and chest. Love it. I had my top surgery 12 hours ago and already feel like my true self and so, so happy. I've only gotten glimpses of my results because I have to wear all these chunky post-op bandages, but I'm so excited from what I'm being able to see.

Thank you so much for your support here. It means the world. And it's some pictures of our friend Dan. And it says, Dan Fraser, teat yeet. Teat yeet. So they've had top surgery to feel more like their true self, and you know that we're real allies, because it's not even Pride Month anymore, it's officially July.

Oh, we're just doing it our own best. Yeah, we just care about you. Watch all the companies, oh, let's put our logo back to normal and not give a fuck about anyone until next June. We're real allies. No, Dan, honestly, it is fucking you love to see it. We're very glad that you are part of our group and that

you feel so safe there and that you found such supportive friends and it warmed my heart that not only you had the opportunity to do that, feel more like yourself but that you wanted to share it with us. It was fucking huge. So thank you so much. It feels nice that people feel safe.

It made me feel a little warm and fuzzy on the inside. And that's because I care about what people write and share. Mate, give me the two dot points. Boobs, gone. I'll see you, mate. Yes, catch up. Oh, fuck, I should have gone first because that was a beautiful story and my, you'll have to see, is a piece of shit.

Oh, fuck, I love winning. And this is the last thing we're going to have on the pod for the whole week. Our first Friday episode and I've won it. You have won. Yeah. You have won because this is awful. Especially...

Tit for tat. Oh, no tit, no tat. In Dan's case. End the podcast. This is a tweet from Troy. Oh, fuck. Back in my day, butt liquor was a top shelf,

breaking case of emergency, top schoolyard insult. Like there's nothing more brutal you could say in the primary school. It's like, oh, whatever you butt licker. Now it's a selectable option on most dating sites. Boy, have times changed. That's true. And that's why we finish on the most beautiful stories of the week. We are allies. Do you hear that? Yeah.

Tinder, Grindr, got them all. Got them all. Ready to run. Hey, thanks so much for listening this week. We'll chat to you on Meownday. Love you, bye.