Toni and Ryan - Rude at a Wedding

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. I'm Ryan, this is Tony. I said we're about to call Chelsea and you said- The place? Which, where is Chelsea? In England. Chelsea FC, that's where Sam Kerr plays for. I thought you might have meant Chelsea, the neighborhood in Manhattan that you walked through. I have been to Chelsea in NYC, but no, I meant Chelsea in the UK. Well, it's actually- UK, hun? Yeah, I'm great, thanks. It's actually Chelsea from Cleveland, Ohio.

Oh. Ohio. I forgot about Ohio. Yeah. I love the name Chelsea. Hello. Hi, Chelsea. Speak of the devil.

Hello, my friend. How are you, Chelsea? What have we caught you in the middle of you doing? I just finished cooking a triple chocolate cheesecake. I have family coming in town, so doing that. Chelsea, you are far away as Ohio. How quickly could we be the family that's coming to town, Chelsea? What do you reckon?

It would literally be my dream. Every jaw in this room, Chelsea, was on the floor when you said triple. It's a real crust with chocolate cheesecake and chocolate ganache and chocolate whipped cream. It's amazing. Now, I believe, Chelsea, you and I went to the same school because I also do the thirds of thickness when I do a hot chocolate. The same culinary school. The same culinary school.

The same culinary school. Absolutely. My mom took a bite recently and said, I creamed my jeans. And I said, that was my mom who said that. Wow. When you make your mom come, I mean, that's a real, that's huge. I'm actually, of all the shit jokes I've heard, I don't know if I can handle that one.

I think we've reached a limit. Where's the line? Yeah, where's the line? We finally found it. Chelsea, would you mind improving today's episode? Oh, it would be my pleasure. Don't say pleasure. Oh, shit.

Hey, it's Chelsea from Cleveland, Ohio, and I approve this podcast. All right. I'm going to start with a question. Question. If you're having a big dinner party, right? Bunch of friends coming over. Is it fair to say the chances are that someone's gluten-free, someone's dairy, someone's vegan, someone's low-fat? Like when you start thinking about it in 2024,

the idea of a dinner party sounds like a fucking nightmare, right? Yeah, especially when like you're cooking yourself. Like, you know, if you go to a restaurant and they've got 20 things on the menu and everyone can kind of like navigate their needs themselves. Whereas you can't just make a big lasagna and go, oh, well this slice is vegan and this slice doesn't have any gluten in it. Like that's really. That's such a great. Imagine actually trying to make eight slices of lasagna.

That one's no dairy in the cheese. You've got eight dishes in the fridge all with one fucking slice taken out of them. So for weddings, right? 100 guests. Fuck. Is that a lot? So I actually, I don't really know anything about like. So when we were going to have a wedding, because I found the list the other day.

Because it was obviously like pre-COVID. Pre-COVID, yeah. There was 110 names on the list. How many because it was obviously like pre-covid pre-covid yeah um there was 110 names on the list how many people so say that i'll read them out loud and we'll call them one by one so you've looked at you've looked at that list right which obviously no see ya no he'll be there he's great but like you look at this list that you created obviously because they were all people that were like in your life a lot or whatever. How many people looking at that now, what, three, four years on or whatever, that you go, well, they obviously wouldn't be invited today? Well, even at the time I had like a good friend

and because I was moving around doing radio, Bridget's like, who's that? I've never met him. When did you see him last? And I went, oh, no, six years. Tom Locke, for example, he lives in Portland now. I'm like, well, obviously I have to know about Tom. And Bridget's like, who the fuck is this guy? I don't know this guy.

I don't know this person. And that was at the time. So imagine add a pandemic onto that. There's people on the list I haven't seen for 10 years. But also just like when you work with people, they're in your pocket all the time and you kind of realise that your friends are maybe by proximity, not because you actually like would put effort into them afterwards.

Well, I think that was also the opposite in that you don't, like say compared to a girlfriend, you don't break up with a friend. Often they get a new job in Sydney or in Perth. Like you're not friends but you also don't. Life just kind of moves on. Yeah, so I found that list the other day. I just cannot imagine you having a wedding like that. And even Bridge was like, I'm so glad we didn't because they are so expensive.

And imagine like, so Mabel, when Mabel was born, we got like a bigger car, as you do, with the car seat and stuff. And I was like, if we had a wedding, we wouldn't have been able to get the car. Yeah. And so every single time we're trying to cram a baby seat into a hatchback, we'd go, was the fucking wedding worth it? Everyone's got obviously different priorities and if that's what you want to spend, fucking go for your life. But when I look at that many people, I just think how overwhelming.

Yeah, and you have to make out with your partner in front of you. That's literally like that is my worst nightmare, kissing in front of you. No, that's literally like that is my worst nightmare, kissing in front of everyone. Yeah. So at a wedding with 100, surely for 100 people, they're not individually going gluten-free. They do. Oh, I don't have oats.

They do. When you send back your RSVP card, it says like any allergies. Could you imagine that? What a fucking nightmare. Well, I mean, you aren't probably conveying that information on, are you? I guess you have to. Me? No, like, you get the RSVP card back.

Oh, then you have to forward it to the chef or whatever? Then you tell the chef, like, oh, like, John, who's at fucking table six, he can't have gluten. That's a lot of responsibility. Is 100 people a big wedding though? That's where I was getting at before. Is that quite standard? No.

I mean, it's cultural too. Some cultures like 500 is normal. Yeah, that's true. I'd say 100's not small, but you also wouldn't go to a 100-person wedding and go, this is crazy big. You kind of just go, okay, like here we are. I don't think I know 100 fucking people. Yeah.

Well, none that I'd fucking buy dinner for. There's knowing 100 people and there's buying dinner. And I acknowledge that. I acknowledge that. But you know what I mean? I've been to a wedding where it's like, oh, this is my parents' really good family friend and we felt obliged and then you go, I'm buying dinner for you. Yeah, fuck that.

Fuck that right off. Okay, sorry. I've got a question here. Yeah, question. Is this the rudest thing you can do at a wedding or is this a legitimately smart move? At Filipino weddings, there is often exotic, spicy, and hectic food and James, who works for us, just arrived back to Australia yesterday

and he thought with a 10-hour flight coming up, instead of risking the Filipino cuisine, he would instead order McDonald's delivery and eat a quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a Coke at the wedding reception. Is that rude or is it legitimately smart? And while you think about that answer, here we go. Here's a picture of James. You can see

how impressed the family is here. The people around you look really happy about it. Here's James taking more selfies of himself with the quarter pounder and there it is on the beautiful Filipino China. No, it's in the Philippines. And you can see the quarter pounder of cheese on the plate there. Are you fucking six years old?

Do you not respect the known of you? Imagine having a spicy, hectic Filipino dish and then getting on a 10-hour flight. See, I respect the choice. Yeah, and we've heard a lot about James' butt and gut, as we have for all of us. Yes. Respect the choice. Yeah, and we've heard a lot about James' butt and gut, as we have for all of us. Yes.

So whilst I can respect the decision because you go, oh, like I have to fly tomorrow and it was a big day of flying, so I respect that, but ordering the Maccas to, oh. Is it in the Wog Boy where they're at that fancy corporate dinner, the movie, and Vince Colostomo bag is, he goes, you know, it's like real fancy food and he goes, I don't know, and you just see him texting. And then a guy walks into a fancy corporate bar and he's like, oh, four large pizzas.

I haven't seen it but like. Respect. I feel like it is the same. Yeah. I think it's like when you go out for dinner with friends and there's always like a picky eater and they go, are adults allowed to order from the kids' menu? It's like very clearly says like 12 and under only or whatever.

I may have ordered, Mabel, the chicken nuggets and chips from the kids' menu at a pub the other week and enjoyed them. But, you know, like she had her mouth full or whatever. Two chips, yep. Yeah, and smushed the rest in. Oh, someone else. We already paid for it. Yeah, but you've had your meal and then you go, oh,

a couple of chips and a couple of little tendies on the side. Wouldn't say no. You can kick them out of bed. Yeah. But you're at a beautiful wedding and then the guy walks in with the fucking back of McDonald's. Yeah, this is a delivery. And did he walk like in?

Did you meet him at the front? At the like, the car park was next to it. So, yeah. But it was close enough that you could see him from the table. Or they're about to be like, do you take this woman? And they're like, yeah, I've got a double quarter pounder for James. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Double quarter pounder? Yeah. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Double quarter pounder?

Yeah. Oh, there's no chips. There's no chips in here. I wanted the chip for the Big Mac sauce though. Well, remember when you ordered Uber Eats to a lecture theatre when you were going for uni? Yeah, I was actually, yeah. Yeah, a bit speechless about that one. Well, because it made its way to LinkedIn and, as was actually, yeah. Yeah, a bit speechless about that one.

Well, because it made its way to LinkedIn, and as you know, I'm pushing hard as a LinkedIn influencer. Yeah, you're working hard. And Melbourne Business School actually replied from the Melbourne Business School account saying, please do not do this or encourage this. Yeah. So I feel like it's kind of the same.

I mean, actually, no, it's not the same. It's fucked for a different reason. Yeah. Because I guess being in a lecture, you're supposed to be respectful and paying attention, but you're sitting there like, beep, beep, beep, beep, ordering a drink. I think it's also the delicious smell and everyone else can smell the deliciousness.

I think it's different for James because the bride and groom has probably spent hours and weeks planning the menu, making sure it's fine. And food at a wedding is fucking expensive. I've paid for this guy. I've paid for this guy. I've paid for his food and then he just rolls in and orders a Big Mac. Sorry, a quarter pounder with cheese. Yeah, get the order correct.

I was like, how offensive to the quarter pounder with cheese. Sorry, oh my God. If I want to rock up to a wedding, at least get my name right. What would Bernice say? Don't bring Bernice into this. That'll be the fucking end of me. Hey, it's Chelsea from Cleveland, Ohio, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. You absolutely love to see it. Thank you so much for being part of the Patreon because we can't do this without you. Literally cannot do it without you. Heather Shelley, good on you, Heather. Sorry, I can't remember both names. It's hump day. Kira Adams, good on you, Kira.

George Wendell. George Wendell's still a champion tapa. Yeah, Rebecca Chartow and Kimberlyira. George Wendell. George Wendell's still a champion, Tapa. Yeah, Rebecca Chartout and Kimberley Majors, Kimberley Minors. We are back to the beginning of the list. I said, I said. We met both Kimberley Majors and Kimberley Minors and George Wendell when we were in the US.

Yes. We did. And when the line in New York found out that this wasn't just George, this was the George Wendell, didn't that just really light up the fucking. It did and everyone was like, oh, my God. It's like when you find out that a celebrity is like at a restaurant that you've ran. And everyone goes, oh, my God.

Did you know that? Or, you know, when you're somewhere and people go, oh, such and such was here last week. And you go, oh, and they're not there anymore. Like they've gone. But you're like, oh, they thought that they looked at the same menu that I did. Who was the person we had dinner with in New York?

Kathy Bates. Is that Kathy Bates? Yeah, it was. And now I live with her house. That's a really nice touch. Really rounds out the story. Yeah, it does. Oh, this is a fucking phenomenon that's not talked about enough.

Why is it that the quieter you try to be, the louder you are? Example that I think everyone knows. You're the first one to wake up in the morning and there's a few other people sleeping. You're like, I'll just sneak into the kitchen and I'll just be quiet and get a little coffee and cereal. And, of course, you kick the fucking pot over and drop a pan off the bench.

And the clanging and banging is wild. Whilst if you were at home by yourself and no one else was around, you would never. You would make a sound. You would never sound you would never yeah so with this phenomenon in mind one of what i think's the funniest things ever is when someone is trying to like yell but also be quiet at the same time oh like right yeah yeah or but like say like someone else is asleep and tony yeah yeah or like when a mom's trying to tell off the kids but or they're in the library go out in the library yeah and nothing's louder than someone going

yeah yeah this is like one of the great things that's ever happened and was I there because it can't second doesn't add up yeah uh so my daughter Mabel just turned one and for some reason at the moment we're going through a phase where at 3 a.m. in the morning she kind of wakes up and she will only go back to sleep if she's like with her mum or dad. Yep. So this morning at 3 a.m. I get up and I sit in the chair in her room and she just sleeps on my chest. And she's like quite happy to be sleeping but for some reason

she just wakes up and wants a warm body on her and it's fine. It's also dark. Like I imagine that for babies they wake up and they're like, what the fuck's happened? Yeah. Where am I? What's going on? It's cold.

So I'm there and I've got her on my chest and I'm kind of just rocking back and you've got like a couple of hours to kill and, you know, I'm just thinking about anything and just rocking back and forth and getting a little baby sniff like, oh, I love baby smells. Yeah. And then a few hours had gone by. And you're kind of like dozing off as well. Sort of, but you try not to sleep because I don't want to drop her

or roll over or she. Because you're in the chair, right? Yeah, she'll wiggle a bit and I don't want. Yeah, so it's sort of try not to, I guess. Yeah. I won't say I've never fallen asleep, but I would try not to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get you. And a few hours have gone past and because we were coming in early

to the pod today, I was like, oh, my alarm's going to go off at 6am and I don't want it to go off and wake her up because she'll keep sleeping for a bit longer. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, my phone's in my pocket. I'll just like – Slip it out. Slip it out and just see what and because i'm like i've

been here for a few hours it's about three it's probably and you're like what's the light doing you know when you're trying to figure out like that's it's easier in summer because you but in because it's just so dark so late so just still dynamite it's probably getting close to six on and that's when my alarm's gonna go off i pull my phone out of my pocket and it was 5.59. So I want to cheer like I've just won the fucking NBA championship, but I'm also trying to be quiet because Mabel's asleep on me. So I'm like, can't I believe it? Oh, my God. And then you spend so long doing that that the alarm goes, bam, bam, bam.

I was like so impressed. That is amazing. That is honestly like. Yeah. I know I couldn't have been more wrapped with myself either. I was right in my own gear. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops how amazing my knack of time was and the coincidence or maybe just the skill of knowing how much time has passed.

Not a coincidence. It's a skill. As you know, you see a basketballer shoot a three-pointer, they fucking give a fist pump, they get a bit of a cheer. A cricketer hits a six and they're like, fucking yeah, whatever. And then this happens and I go. And I couldn't even go, Bridget, guess what I just i just like she's in the other room shut the fuck up it's only 5 59 i was like that's the point yeah yeah it's not six o'clock yet

no i think that is huge and it's not a coincidence it's a skill thank you because we use our we've got like a google home thing yeah and we basically only use it to like set timers in the kitchen yeah and you say like hey g, set a timer for five minutes. Thank you. Because I'm going to set everyone's fucking Google off. How much time do you set for a homemade pizza? I think Torb's does 13 minutes when we're doing it. Fuck.

Yeah, in the BBQ because we've got the little pizza stone in there. Oh, yeah, that's nice. Hey, G Word, 13 minutes. Torb's in the BBQ and they go, right on, dog. You got pepperoni? And you go, yeah. Yeah, we fucking do. And they go, can I come round? There got pepperoni? And you go, yeah. Yeah, we fucking do. And they go, can I come round?

There's the FBI in there. Can I come round? Oh, that smells delicious. Anyway, and you go, hey, G-Word, seven for five minutes. And then when you kind of go, fuck, are we getting close here? And you go, hey, G-Word, how much longer on this timer? And they go, you have three seconds remaining. And you go, oh.

And the other day I got one. Yeah. Hey, G-Word, how long is left on the timer? And she goes, zero seconds. And then it goes, beep, beep, beep, beep. I got it banged on and I went to 12. And he went. Yeah.

How good is it? It was like a huge moment. Yeah, it's huge. Everyone's talking about it. Yeah, I've heard of it. Yeah, the neighbors went, zero seconds. Yeah. What do you think would be the best response?

People started crying. Yeah. What do you think would be the best response from G-Word if it's at zero? G-Long, how long left? And she just goes, right now, sweetheart. She goes, it's now. It's now. Kyle and Conti, you wouldn't believe it.

Yeah. The G-Word goes, oh, my God, it is going off now. Carl and Conti, you wouldn't believe it. Yeah. The G word goes, oh, my God, it is going off now. Well, I'm glad that both you, Torbs and Pippa, have respect for the craziness of this time. The skill it requires. Yeah. No, I didn't know that I was in the presence of greatness, but I am.

And I think another example that other people might have is if you wake up or you tell your partner's gone to bed and you want to have a little heaty sack because it's cold when you go to bed. Yeah. And so you put it in the microwave. A little heaty sack. Well, some people call them like a barley bag or a lavender bag or whatever.

It's a little heaty sack. I'm a fan of a hot water bottle. Oh, old school. Yeah, like with the, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I put the heaty sack in for Bridge for two and a half minutes. Yep. But then she goes to bed first and then you don't want the microwave to go off. Yeah.

And that's another classic thing. Oh, yeah, and then you roll back in and it's got a few seconds left and just grab the door open. And you grab it and you go, I've disarmed the bomb. Yeah. Yeah. I've cut the cable. Yes.

Red or blue, red or blue. So please leave your shock or and congratulations in the episode thread today disarm the bomb. Yeah. Yeah. I've cut the cable. Yes. Red or blue, red or blue. So please leave your shock, awe and congratulations in the episode thread today and I'll be receiving all compliments. Yeah. I actually, yeah, it's about time that you got some compliments. Thank you. Yeah. All right.

Tony Lodge, what do you love to see? So there's been a lot of bean chat of like, our beans have been getting hard. Our beans have been getting all over the country. Can't make one mistake in this town, I'll tell you. You actually can't. It's fucking ruthless. So a tarp has posted a coffee shop in Brisbane called Taste My Bean. And this is the logo, right?

Taste My Bean. Taste the difference. Do they know? They have to know. I don't know. This makes me think that maybe they do so katie is who posted it um and you know when like in the commonwealth backyard like categorize you're spending crisis you're spending and instead of like entertainment hospitality yeah on common it's called eating out and so this is how the charge came up.

Eating Out, taste my bean. And they posted that on our thread. And Katie said, can confirm it's listed under Eating Out. Like they know what they're doing. Hang on, show me that again. So this is the bank statement, like what comes up in the app. $22. Yeah, what do they get, half a coffee?

I meant like that's actually a pretty good rate if it was. Oh, they're eating out of beans. Oh, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surely everything just costs 69 cents or something. Well, the tarpers are really informed today because Bethany has sent me through a little something, which I think you might like. What were we talking about recently?

My other toaster is a washing machine. My other microwave is a dishwasher or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A dryer. A dryer. Thank you. Close the internet down. Close bumper stickers down.

No, Ryan, we need that for our job. We're fucking done. We can't. Can I have the weekend off then because I've got something on? Yes, yes yes you can. The original OG normally it's my other car is a rocket ship or my other car

is a Ferrari. Have a look at what I've sent you. Okay. Which Which one am I looking at? There's a bit there. The main one on the back window. My other ride is your mum.

I'm sorry, I'm thrown because the first one that I looked at was the I got fisted on meth at an insane clown potsy concert. The Dark Carnival of Souls. Anything can happen there. And I've always fucking said that. Do you want to have a look at the top one? Oh, bang local milfs. My personal highlight is around the number plate.

Don't honk, I'll come. But I saw that and I'm like, wow, they've just had a great day. It's like someone's just bought a sticker maker and they've gone, let's fucking get it. They bought a cricket. They bought a cricket and they're like, today is my day. They're like, we're going to fucking do this up. Yep.

Or maybe the person driving the car doesn't know they're there. Someone else has stuck them on the back and, like, the 80-year-old Doris is driving around her little Chrysler going, why do people keep honking at me and why do I keep coming? I just can't stop. Just jizzing everywhere and everyone's giving me the thumbs up on the highway. I've written this car off eight times. All right, have a great day, everyone.

We'll chat to you tomorrow, normal or nah, you can submit yours in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group or at TonyandRyan.com.au. See you. Bye. Sorry, I just waved for ages. It's not even a video. Should I?