Toni and Ryan - Ryan Got a Perfect Score | FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF APRIL

Episode Date: May 2, 2026

Fallen behind on TARP and need a fast-track to catch up?!? Here’s the bessssst bits from April 2026!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Boston Bower Preparation Scale, which assesses colon cleanliness. And Tony got a nine. I was adamant. I was going to beat Tony Lodge and get a 10. Have a look at that pearly pink asshole. Doesn't that? Oh, okay. Isn't that stunning?

Boston bow preparation score 10. It should be noted that a score of this magnitude requires mandatory peer review. Two additional endoscopists were promptly. summoned, both confirmed the score and wished to pass on their personal congratulations. The city of Boston may be in touch to arrange a ceremony in your honor. Accept this trophy to commemorate such a moment, such an occasion and such an asshole. My hot take is that I don't think that anybody truly likes avocados. You've been scorched.

No, that is the shitters take you've ever had. It's not. It's not. Think about it. I have. And you're wrong. Nah. No, I don't think anyone truly likes them.

Charles, do you like avocado? I love avocados. Lily, do you love avocados? Yes. I love the taste of avocados. My wife loves a taste of avocados. No. Mabel is a little three-year-old avocado in human form.

Yeah. So I love guacamole with all the stuff in it. Does Tony know what's guacamole? No, no, no, no. Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. So I love guacamole because it's been season with like red onion and everything. But an avocado on its own, I've come to realize I could probably take it or leave it.

And I'll take it. And it costs a lot to add it to something. And I just go, what am I really gaining here? It's easy for them to be shit as well. You've got to give me that. If you get a shit one. But like it's easy for them to be shit. Not if you eat it at the right time.

No, it's easy for them to be shit. I have avocado most days for breakfast. I know. And I don't, I actually do not know the last time I got a bad avocado. I do. Love you. The avocado that we had in Latvia.

Oh, because we left them there all fucking week and we didn't know. Oh, what are you working for big avocado? Look at you. Yeah. That's you depending on. When you're talking about guacamole, there was a slight moment where I was like, does this bitch know what that's made out of?

No, but it was, see, I was ready to tell you what the thing was. What I was going to say is that it reminded me of the time when I was avidly against pickles, but like finnicate cucumbers. Finnicate cucumbers, yeah. But like, I think it's an important distinction

because guacamole, I could eat old damn day, but it's the, like, the mushed texture, but it's the seasoning of all the other stuff rather than just straight up avocado. What about toast? I love toast. Slice of ice. avocado just like laid across, a little bit of salt lemon.

Which I've just come to realize that I'll eat it, but I don't know that I love it. Really? It's so young. No, I know. And I've lived my whole life being like, yes, avocados. Haas, avocados. But I just am like, fuck, I think I've woken up to myself and I don't think I love them. I like, but do I love them? You know? First of all. Am I in love with avocado?

Or have we just got to the friendship zone? We're just housemates. We're just housemates. We're just, you know, going through the motions of adding avocado to something. But do I need it? Okay. Does anyone? Well, this is where I need to draw the line.

Yeah. It is totally fine and acceptable for you as an individual to say like, they're fine. Yeah. And I'm not as in love with the avocado as I once was. Yeah. That's okay. Yeah.

It's got its place in my life and that's in guacamole form. Yep. For you to come out here on the internet and say no one really likes it. You've had some bad days on the internet and I feel like today's comment section is going to be top 20. Do you know that you can't watch porn anymore? Yeah, they brought in laws. Okay. Well, tell me that when I'm not like needing it.

You know what I mean? Like if I'm like, if I'm like, if. You know what I mean? I've opened the incognito tab. It's too late to find out now. Yeah. Like if you got to that stage, you're like, yeah, blinds are down. Oh, I'll be home in like an hour and a half.

Oh, okay. Okay, I'll knock out age, you know. Yeah. But settle in. If I've opened the incognito tab, that's too late to find out. I believe that it's still available. You just need to log in. But you can't create.

Oh, Charles knows. He just shook him. This fucking spinkly little head. It says like no new accounts can be made in your region. So we needed to have an account. You're fuck. Well, not fucked. You're nothing.

You're the opposite. You just dry as a bone. You might as well go and buy a rainbow. Should we when we go to Dublin and London? Don't ask me how I know this. But you couldn't make an account in Sweden. You couldn't. Okay, here's what I was...

For work, I was checking and you couldn't. Here's what I will say. Right. Someone in a country where you still can create an account. Because it sounds like once it's created, it's good. You just can't create one here. Do we need people to make us a burner? No, no.

And send us over the login details. Not just us, a communal tarp log in. Can we have a tarp one? Yeah. So it's like tarpa at tarpa.com. Tapa's porn at g-mattle. We'll share the password with everyone. Yeah.

That's a good idea. But like... Because this is now a community issue. Yeah. And we are... The type community is one of the strongest communities. And if we can't jerk it as one, then what are we even fucking doing here?

It's actually so true. I just think... I don't really understand why they've taken it away. Like, you know, when sometimes you're in trouble and you go, you know what? Like, I know what I've done wrong? I have actually fucked up there. They're protecting you from yourself.

But, I don't feel protected. You feel on edge, actually. Yeah. As leading TARPA individuals, we have a responsibility to get people off. Get people off. Get people off. You know?

And so I think that a bit like how everybody in office uses my kick log in. We just maybe have to start some ground. Oh, yeah. We all do. Okay. But what I'm saying is that we just need to set some ground rules. Like, don't save videos. don't save a favourite

don't you know I think that we need to can I say and we've said this for some other programs don't go back through the watch history and make judgments

we have to it's on a system it's an honour system we go in we search what we want we search what we need we do what we need to do and we don't judge others

yeah and it's just like because I don't want the next guy I don't want to be searching stuff with the assumption that someone like oh what did I watch last time oh a cute couple

that look very normal and don't do weird shit. Yeah. Yeah. Amateur, lesbian, that's what I'm after. Do you know what I mean? Amateur threesome. That's fine.

Yeah. I just think it's really important that we fix this issue. Because I got the front of my own. And I don't want other people going through. I've had to start reading horny books. Oh, who can be bothered? I know. It's like the analog way.

Oh. But when the battery. dies and you're like, oh, fucking, I'm about to get a fucking right-hand workout, you know what I mean? Oh, heaven forbid, you know what would be the worst outcome of all? No outcome. No, no, come out. No come out.

Yeah, no, what would be the worst outcome? We might have to have sex with our partners. No, but sometimes they're not here or we're not here. And then what do you do? There needs to be other ways. Wait for them to get home? Like a fucking look. Yeah. Well, then we could just...

I don't mind. You know what? We've just had it too good for too long. I know. You know how you said once, which was beautiful, we don't appreciate the times we don't have a cold? Yes, when you don't appreciate that you can breathe cleanly through your nose. Yes.

You only appreciate it when you can't. Yeah. So true. What'd you call me? And I don't think we appreciated that we could. just go to some random website and type in... It's not that random, but yes. And just type in anything you wanted.

I know, and get it in an instant. And that was just great, because then you go, you do your business, you close the incognito tab and you move on. Maybe wash your hands or whatever, but...

Whatever. If you've got time. I worked with this guy who was doing long distance. Yep. The long day. Yeah. And he goes,

he goes, no, this is like not something you would talk about, but like, I think I've watched, direct quote. every video on porn.

He's like, I've got to the end. Is there any wild card words you'd recommend I threw into the search bar? Because I reckon I've seen it all. I couldn't be surprised now. Now, this is a safe space. As we all night with this very safe space, whatever we want to talk about is fine. Yep.

Were you the friend? The other day, he texts me and he goes, oh, hey, like, I'll be out of. have a great day today. Just want to let you know that the fucking kettle stopped working. The kettle? I know. The kettle.

The kettle. You're joking me. I think because he was like, oh, I'll probably just buy the same one. Is that okay? And I was like, actually so fine. And I look it up and it's like, I think that when we first got it, it was like $250. It's like a fucking expensive kettle. The Rolls Royce of Kettles.

But I looked it up and it was $200 now, like, because it's like an older fucking model or whatever. Anyway, I kind of forgot all about it. A few days passed, we finally managed to catch up on the phone. And he goes, oh, by the way, like I grabbed that kettle after work the other night. And I was like, oh, fuck, awesome. Yeah, like, was it all good? You know, lots going on at home. And I go, oh, was it all good?

And he goes, yeah, and like, 250 bucks, like pretty good. And I went, 250. Fuck. Oh, sorry. I thought it was 200. He goes, oh, it was 200. And then, oh, yeah, like, you know, the extended warranty. Oh, and I go, oh, sorry, we must have a bad connection.

It sounds like you just said you bought extended warranty. For a kettle. For anything. It's a scam. Extended warranty is a scam. How so? What do you mean? Extended warranty is a scam.

In Australia, you are protected by the A-T-C better than any fake extended warranty could ever protect you. No, our Australian consumer laws are so fucking airtight. Like, you are fully protected. To a certain point. No, there is, anything that they offer you is less than legally what they have to provide anyway. There is actual lawsuits in it. There's a class action lawsuit in Australia right now against a lot of big companies

because they were selling people extended warranties that weren't any better than what legally they have to offer you. So you are covered for free and then you just pay them. And basically they just go, thanks. And that's just an extra pool of money. And the- What do they claim the extra to be? Well, they say like, well, you get, and there's an automatic, say there's an automatic one-year guarantee,

and then if you buy the extended warranty, you get three years instead, right? But the A-T-C-all-c already has to protect you for five years. And, or it's like they do a straight replacement for three years and they'll repair it after five or something like that. So we have, and this is not the same for everywhere, but in Australia, extended warranty is genuinely, genuinely a scam. Oh my God. You've, wow.

That's crazy. I can't believe you didn't know that. Yeah. An extended warranty being 20% of the original price is a wild ratio. Yeah. So if you go and, say you go and drop five grand on a new TV. Yeah. The extended warranty is between 11 and 23% of that.

whatever. It's crazy. It's a scam. It's a full on fucking scam. And this is not hot take Tony energy. This is genuinely it feels like hot take Tony energy. No, no, it's genuinely a scam. It's commissions. That's how the people make commissions in the store is from extended warranties. So the guy at the store is getting a kickback. So it's like a KPI. They'll be like, oh, the X amount of extended warranties like per day or week or a quarter or fuck and whatever. I'm I'm not fucking you. Genuinely, it is a. scam. Oh my God. And do you know another thing that they don't want you to fucking know is that the second that you enter a complaint in is actually when the timer stops. Because lots of people

go, oh, I said at the two years and nine month mark, I said there was something wrong. But then the three years elapsed in the time it took to organize the thing or the refund. The timer stops when you do the first complaint, not when it is comes full circle. Not when it actually breaks. That's how they try to throw the idiots off. Lots of people think that. They go, well, it's two years and nine months. Like, there's no point.

There is a point. Because as long as you call them before that three years or six years or whatever, you just, you got to call them. You got to call them. You got to call them. You got to fucking call them. Because otherwise, they keep winning. This is the whole thing.

They get to sleep in their fucking fat. sauna beds and we like the idiot we don't try and get our fucking refunds. Those old fat cat sauna beds. And we don't get our refund and then we're buying a kettle from fucking Kmart. When I watched Succession, I was like, look at these rich people in their fat cat sauna beds. And that is true. Can he take just the extended warranty back? No.

Why not? Do you take stuff back? Imagine if you go back in there and you go, I've just found out this is a scam. I'd like you to refund my 4750, please. Why? Surely you could. Why would you not do that? Yeah.

If Taub's here's this. I want anybody watching. Fuck anybody. I want your husband to do this. I'll fuck anybody. As long as they're called Ryan Jonathan Dung and they're a good kisser. One of them, too. We're sure.

If Torgs, take it back, wants to marry you, he needs to prove that your values are aligned. And one of your main values, is not wasting money on bogus, scammy extended warranties. He should take that back and they go, how's the kettle? He goes, the kettle's fine. I'm not bringing the kettle back.

I'm bringing back the extended warranty. Yeah. Oh, so you might have to send back your fat cat sauna bed because you're going to have to repay that commission, big dog. You've blown it wide open. I have. We've got the Monday tides. Monday tired.

Like we've limped in from the weekend. No, I don't think I feel, I don't think I feel tired, but I have had like, the Mondays, Monday so far. Yeah. But like, because I reckon everybody that's listening to this now is like getting ready for work or on their way to work or like getting ready to lock in for a week of fucking stay at home parents while your partner's at work.

You know, like whatever it is you're locking in for, I feel like a Monday is that reset where you go, here we go. Here we go. Another full one, you know? Off we go. I reckon that there are like a number of things that in life at any time. are like pretty annoying. Yep.

Or like getting your way. But there is nothing that could turn something that's annoying into a motherfucker. Like a Monday morning. For example, I've got an example. So say you get your belt loop caught on a door handle. Always annoying. Always annoying. Worse on a Monday.

On a fucking Monday. Like, and now this. Do you know what I mean? And now this on a. Mother fucking Monday. Yeah. So like, realizing you don't have any milk.

Annoying all the time. Way worse on a Monday morning. Getting in your car and driving to work and realizing you didn't leave yourself with much petroleum. On a fucking Monday. Annoying all the time, but worse on a Monday. So while we were away recently, I wasn't in the country.

So Torbs had to make a decision alone. He, our kettle shut itself. He had to go on by another one. And he then informed me that, he purchased additional warranty. So this was two weeks ago and I said, get your partner torps to take the warranty back.

Yes. I want a refund on the warranty. The kettle's good. Kettle's fine. Is the kettle good? Yeah, the kettle's great. Kettle's fine. Kettle's not having any problems.

Kettle's wonderful. Too wonderful to be paying for an extra warranty. Well, I don't need it because nothing's gone wrong with it. But where we are. So I inquired. I put in a quick call. I called where Torbs bought it from Are they also in the class action?

And I go Hi there, hey going And they go, yeah great Like how can we help you like so help? They are great there No, no no, in fairness they are great That's the opposite of great People that just work there

It's the top down isn't it? Yeah and they're part of the down But it's the top Anyway And I go yeah like I recently bought something and I purchased extended warranty. Yeah. Can I get a refund on the warranty?

I don't want it. And they go, oh, yep, if you've got warranty, any refunds will be covered under that. And I went, no, no, no, no. Like, there's not a problem with the product. I want just a refund on the warranty. Yep. I don't want the warranty. I don't want the warranty anymore.

Like the additional, like the percentage of the purchase price that I spent on like, can I have a refund on that? And they went, why? Yeah, I bet they did. I bet they got real fucking defensive. And they were like, I don't, we can't do that. I think you can. Do you want me to call the A-T-C?

Well, you can. Because after I called shm-h-s-mash-m-m-five, I googled, can I get a refund on purchasing warranty in Australia? And guess the fucking first website that comes up? The A-motherfucking triple C. Yes, you can get a refund on a purchased extended warranty, especially if it was a separate contract. Consumers are entitled to a solution of a repair, replacement or refund

if a product or service they buy doesn't meet the basic rights, which is the classic warranty of what a warranty should cover. But yes, you can and should legally be able to get a refund on warranty. And I don't want to tell you that. No. At the store. Because I called them and they went, and the chirpy demeanor in the beginning was gone when I started asking questions.

Remember when you said they're great there? No. Snipping around about warranty. They're great when they're robbing your blind. Not so great when you want honesty. And pocketing your cash and not giving you any benefits that you don't already get as a legal, loyal customer of the world. So they were a bit cagey about it.

And maybe they just didn't really know what I meant. But I was like, no, no, no. and I want a refund on like purchasing the warranty. And they were just like, oh, no, like if you've bought it, like, you know, like, she gave me the run around a little bit. But then as soon as I Googled it, it's like, yeah, it should be available. So then you called her back? No, I did not call back.

He doesn't have a receipt or anything. So I can't actually. How are they going to claim the warranty then? No, well, because if you. They can't not know about it and then know about it. Like, get their fucking story straight. That's, I've been fucking hoodwinked. Yeah, again.

Oh, we don't really know about it. Wow, how am I supposed to claim a warranty? Oh, what about the extra 20 bucks you got out of this? Would it be attached to his phone number? You know how they do that? Maybe. Yeah. It would be because you bought it like in the store.

Yeah. And they go, what's your number and we'll texture the thing? Oh, yeah. Type that number to your system, sweetheart. Yeah, and just refund that. But she goes, no, we can't do that. But legally, they have to because the A-T-T-C said. Sales of bar soap have collapsed.

with now less than 22% of under 35 still using them. Less than 22% of under 35s. It's because no one knows how to fucking use it. In the last four years, consumer fears around bacteria spreading via shared bars has surged, as the majority of millennials don't see soap as a means to cleanliness, but rather a transport method for pathogens. Oh my God, what a sentence.

Sorry, read that again. Very beautiful reading from you as well. I gave it everything I got to. I could hear the concentration. Your asshole was clenched the whole time. In the last four years, consumer fears around bacteria spreading via shared bars has surged. As the majority of millennials don't see soap as a means to cleanliness, but rather a transport method for pathogens.

Beautiful stuff. Despite bar sope being used for over 5,000 years. Fuck off. It's only since June 2020 that these concerns have emerged. June 22. Those dates line up. Now, they got me thinking if for 5,000 years, everyone was totally fine with this thing.

So true. But then suddenly in June. 2022, everything changed to the point where sales have dropped with less than 22% under 35 still isn't it? What happened in June 22? No way. Is that the same time? Roll the tape. Borrowing a bar of someone's soap that's been in their bum. In their, like, how are you guys using soap at your house? No, but it's like in and around your bum and your nethers. Oh, except around. I don't know about in. But like when you're soaping yourself up. Yeah.

Do you, do you, Ryan? You lather up your hands and then use your hands. What? How are you using the soap? Is that actually how you use a bar of soap? Is that how you're not? Oh my God. What have you been doing?

Oh my God. You've been putting the soap. Don't make, oh. I've used soap in your house. I've been taking the bar into the areas that it needs to. to go. Are you supposed to just like flap it up in your hands and then and then scrub like this?

Well, it would so, you wouldn't lose it in any orifices. Oh my god. Charles, what date that episode go out? That went out on June 9th, 2002. Get fully fucked!