Toni and Ryan - Ryan's Gets Cake Shamed

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Ryan had a very awkward encounter and did NOT think on his feet 😂 Love ya! Toni xoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the show. My name is Ryan, Vice Captain of the Ship. Author Tony Lodge is here. That's me. Are you a best-selling author? No, I don't think so. Weren't you on the best-seller list of the Booktopia thing? Yeah, best-selling pre-order on Booktopia, which is, you know... Best-selling for sure. We'll just say that.

All right. We are calling the UK. We are calling Laura. London calling. Laura calling. God, their numbers are long, aren't they? We've got to put the country code in there. Yeah, gotcha, gotcha. Hello. Laura! Oh, my God, hi.

How are you, Laura? A bit bummed up with the calls, but I feel much better after talking to you. Oh, that's good to hear. That's sweet. So do you approve of the podcast? Oh, 100's good to hear. That's sweet. So, do you approve of the podcast? Oh, 100%. Yay!

Hi, I'm Lauren. I'm from Edinburgh and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the podcast. Next weekend, St Kilda Beach in Melbourne. Hot fun garbage. 21st of Jan. You know where we'll be. St Kilda Beach. And we've got our own garbage truck.

Yep. And you can come on down. No more excuses for those clothes that have been sitting in the back of your car. Yep. No more excuses to maybe not throw out your partner's green denim jacket. Green denim jacket. Bring those denim jackets down, guys. They will be rehomed, recycled, sustainably disposed of, but they'll be out of your life.

Out of your life. You don't have to worry about it. And we'll be there till, you know, everyone's gone. Yeah. Like it's not as if like, oh, there's only an hour, we'll be there, like we'll hang around for as long as we need to. We'll get a selfie, we'll have a brewski, we'll say hi, there's music, there's drinks, there's food, we'll be hanging. St K hang around for as long as we'll get a selfie we'll have a brewski we'll say hi there's music there's drinks there's food we'll be hanging st kilda beach summer oh ryan's gonna bring his budgie smugglers to have a bit of a go down the beach later

yeah they'll get a whirl yeah oh i forgot to bring our things again oh for fuck's sake um i'll wear my bikinis under our costume all right that's next weekend but because we're doing that at the beach we thought we'd practice because I'll be trying these out next week. Yeah, will you? On me? Some beach pickup lines. Your towel looks good on the floor. Bet your bathers are the same.

They do look good on the floor. Thank you. Hey, Tony. Hey. Want to taste something salty? Yes. I'd love some chippies with some vinegar. Salt and vinegar on the chips is just, there is nothing better.

No, there actually isn't. I'll spray something on your back, but it won't be sunscreen. Wow. Hey, Tony, you like crabs? Yeah. Oh, it's a rhetorical question. It's a rhetorical question. Call me the sun because I'll be going down on you later.

That's hot. Thank you. That's real hot. The sun is hot. That's hot. Thank you. That's real hot. The sun is hot. Yes. Yes. Hopefully the sand isn't the only thing getting in your crack today. Okay.

I literally had this so sad. Can I come back to your house and play with your beach balls? Inflatable or just stripy? Multicoloured. What are all those dots on it? Why is this beach ball hairy? I'm not calling you a whale, but I'd like to hump your back. Is that a compliment?

Is that a good thing to hear? He said all I thought of was the humpback of Notre Dame, but it's hunchback of Notre Dame. Hang on, this isn't adding up. Hope you brought plenty of water with you because you're going to be dehydrated after this. Suck all your liquids out. That went from hot to terrifying. Terrifying, yeah.

I didn't bring my metal detector, but I know I found treasure. Kiss. Yeah. Oh, no, it's a syringe. Little prick in the back. Oh, no. Sorry. Yeah, move along. Oh, I've got my thongs.

Oh, I'm a J-string. Let me get out my sack because it's time to slip, slop, slap. That is the official government wording, I believe. Yeah. I know you're supposed to swim between the flags, but all I want to do is get between those thighs. I know I'll starfish when I see one. Yes, you do.

Never done anything in my life. If I build a sandcastle, will you be my king? Yes. Aw. That's quite cute, actually. You can call me sunscreen, because I can go on your back, your stomach or your face. You're actually not supposed to use the same one on your face as your body because you might break out.

Do you have a thinner version? I wish someone had told me that 20 years ago. Would have saved me a lot of hassle. I was going to say, no wonder you've got such bad skin. You always let people come on your face. Well, after a big day, I always need to go to the pharmacist the next morning to get some aloe vera. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's hotter than you out here. Must be pretty warm. Chilly, actually. Crazy. Ah, just what I was hoping for. I was planning on picking up some trash today. Aw. Aw.

I'll take it. My surfboard's like my vagina. Needs a wax. It's pick-up You know that right? Yeah That's picking you up Is it? No

Alright what about My surfboard's like my vagina Waxed Better There you go Hi I'm Laura from Edinburgh And you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

It's on a video. I'm glad you're looking at the camera, though. It's a nice touch. Speaking of a nice touch. What are you laughing at? Have you lost it? I'd lost it yesterday. Now you're fading hard. I think I did.

EK, thank you so much. Anastasia Bebek, Liz Leiby, Rebecca and Kiana. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Thank you so much. Hopefully we get to see you down at the beach on the 21st of Jan. Absolutely. Very excited about it. I know it's like one of the old cliches of like when a lady's pregnant,

like the food cravings. Oh, yeah. But I am experiencing the cliches in real life now. You know, like have you heard those crazy stories about like women that are pregnant that like eat dirt? Yeah. And like are hungry you heard those crazy stories about, like, women that are pregnant that, like, eat dirt? Yeah. And, like, are hungry for, like, things they've never eaten before because they, like, crave, like, a specific, like,

mineral or vitamin from it? I think it's a nutrient or a something. Yeah. Yeah, there's something. And that's with all the cravings. It's like there's actually just, like, a specific mineral that they're craving. That you need? Yeah.

So we had mac and cheese seven meals in a row. I do remember that you were kind of- That was a hot phase. You were living La Vida a lot because you're like, fuck, she just wants to eat shit food. This is awesome. Yeah, and I'm fucking all about it. I'm like, oh, I'm here to support you.

I'll have it as well. You had KFC a fair bit as well and she only wanted potato and gravy and you were like, well, I'll do the Zinger box though. Someone's going to round out this box. Yeah, I mean, there's a delivery minimum. We might as well. I'm hitting that. So it's been a great time.

And even with the – because, you know, around here and over the last maybe decade, like American barbecue has been like a great genre of restaurant. And they'll do – so mac and cheese, you can get like really elite mac and cheese. Yeah. And I remember saying to Bridge, oh, I can go down to this like really elite mac and cheese. Yeah. And I remember saying to Bridget, oh, I can go down to this like steakhouse and they do this thing. Like if you just – if mac and cheese is what you want, let me get the best mac and cheese.

Yeah. And she's like, I really fucking appreciate that, but I think I'm just hankering for the Coles one. Yeah. I just want like shit plasticky mac and cheese. Heat and eat, mate. Yeah. Heat and eat.

Yeah. And that was a wild week. And then – so we had it seven times in a row. And then Bridget's like, oh, I'm a bit hungry. I was like, I do want to get some mac and cheese. She's like, fuck no. And I'm like, oh, okay. You're like, sorry, I'm following the pattern that we've been.

Yeah. So what I've noticed is it doesn't like, a phase doesn't ease in and ease out. It's like. It starts and stops. Right. Okay. No, seven's the number. And is it hard because you are just, like,

obviously trying to be as supportive as possible. You go, well, we got six cases of mac and cheese out the back. She goes, well, I don't like that anymore. Yeah. You're like, great, what can I get you instead? We haven't had it once since. Yeah, and then we've been through a few others. But you created, like, a bit of an attachment to the mac and cheese.

I started liking it. Yeah. Yeah. After the second or third time, I was like, oh, this is a bit repetitive. But when you push through those and you get to about the fifth or sixth, you're like, actually, no. Comes back around. Yeah.

I'm feeling this. So Bridge, she wakes up the other day. She had an afternoon nap and she just goes, I'm really sorry. I feel weird. But like, I just want chocolate cake. Yep. And I was like, okay. Sure. Any specific requests?

And she's like, oh. Woolies my cake, surely. Well, I thought that, but no, she had a bit of a special taste. She was like, you know how sometimes you get like the berry kind of, topping's the wrong word, but like bits of berry in the top and you know when you get a fancy cake. Like Black Forest. No, not through the, but just on top I want some like berries

and cream on top of the chocolate cake. Oh, okay. So it's just a chocolate cake but just that's on top. And I was like, sure, okay. So I went down to like. You're like, have you had it before? Can I go to the same place again? Yeah, no.

We're not like cake guys. Well, but. Yeah. You know, because you point me in the right direction. I can work with this. So I go to like a Ferguson Player Bakehouse. I'm sure there's many chains in whatever country you're in that are like, you know, the go-to easy generic cake place.

Yeah. Do you know how fucking expensive cakes are when you go to a proper cake place? Well, I've only ever bought like a mud cake. Same. Yeah. And they're like $6 or $7. So I was like, right, $6 or $7 from the supermarket.

If we go to like a nice place, $15? No, like $50 probably. Yeah. Yeah. I nearly fell over when I found out the price. Well, that's what she wanted. You go, I'm glad she didn't want the fucking fancy mac and cheese. Yeah.

Now that she wants a fancy cake. All that money I saved on mac and cheese I'm going to have to spend on cake. But then with the fancy cakes, you can't just like buy a slice. No, you have to buy a whole fucking cake. And actually, and this is fucked up. I think he'll support me on this. I've been cake shamed. What do you mean?

Cake shamed. So I go, hey, and it's fine. I walked in and literally saw this, like, chocolate mug cake with, like, berry and cream. Oh, so you saw what you need. I walked straight in. I'm thinking that you're going to 50 places and they don't have it. Nah.

Walked straight in and went, there it is. How about this? Yeah. Then I saw the price. Fucking nearly died. And then I go, hey, mate, can I just grab this one this? Yeah. Then I saw the price. I fucking nearly died. And then I go, hey, mate, can I just grab this one? You know, it's in the counter. You kind of just point and tap it and you're putting your little smudgy fingers on the glass going, yeah, yeah, this one, this one.

I hate that. Yeah. So she gets it out and she puts it in a box and she goes, what? Did you see her put it in a box? Yeah. Okay. Oh, I thought you were going to say you fucking paid for it. It was the wrong one. No, in a box? Yeah. Okay. Oh, I thought you were going to say you fucking paid for it. It was the wrong one.

No, no, no. Yeah. She goes, oh, so whose birthday is it? Yeah. Yeah. Any name. Yeah. Any name.

Yeah, I should have. Any name. Steve. Jennifer. Yeah. It's Holly's birthday. Yeah, I should. Yeah. Any name. Yeah, I should have. Any name. Steve. Jennifer. Yeah. It's Holly's birthday. Yeah, I should have. We went to school together.

Holly has a twin and it's fucking. You're right. Any name. Any name. But I, like Bridget, had also just woken up because it was like a summer day. We had a bit of an afternoon nap. So I was in a bit of a post-nap fog. Yeah.

So I wasn't quick. And because I was in the post-nap fog, I was also like in like tracksuit, pants, shorts, bare feet and looking like a piece of shit. Why do you go places with no shoes on? Well, Bridget goes, can you get a cake? And I go, yeah. But you've got slides. You slide your feet in.

You can basically put them on while you're walking. So I'm new to slides and my body is still accepting that there's like slides ready to go. It's not like an automatic for me yet. No, but how is wearing bare feet an automatic for anyone? I never wore shoes when I was growing up. I know, but it just, that's so fucking weird. And I'm not standing up for it.

It just is what it is. So I go, oh, it's no one's birthday. That's just the worst thing. Yeah. And you're like, yeah. Any name. Any name. Because what's she going to do?

Well, who's Stephanie? You know, like, obviously. Show me a photo. She's not real. Yeah. Like, how old going to do? Well, who's Stephanie? You know, like, obviously. Show me a photo. She's not real. Yeah. Like, how old is she turning? Yeah. What's her star sign?

Like, you know, like, she's not going to fucking quiz you. And then she goes, I go, I know one. She goes, oh. I feel this real, like, so what's the occasion? Don't press, bitch. Just leave it. Yeah. But also, I could have then said any occasion.

Yeah. You could have said funeral. I'm taking the tool. Fuck, that would have shut her up. Whose birthday is it? No one's. It's for a funeral. She would have gone, okay.

That'll be $45. That'll be $1,026. And I just went, fuck, I just should have said. That would have been such a good thing. Any name. Oh, the funeral,000. And I just went, fuck, I just should have said that. Any name. Oh, the funeral. Yeah. And then could you imagine if, like, after me not making up any name,

I've gone, okay, Ryan, switch on. Come on, here we go. Just give her an answer. And she goes, what's the occasion? I went, birthday. Birthday. Got her. Got away with that one. Yeah, fucking showed her. Got away with that one.

Yeah, fucking showed her. Smooth criminal. Smooth criminal just smoothing out of you with his smooth mud cake with cream and berry. And so she goes, oh, no, so what's the occasion? And I went, oh, there's no occasion. And she goes, oh, so you're just feeling like cake. And I was like, yeah.

Is there anyone else in the shop? Yeah. There's a lot of people. Yeah, there's a lot of people. I'm picturing like maybe it's an empty shot so she's feeling like she has to be on that. Because the reason I was able to find it in the glass counter is because I had that minute in line. Right.

And it was, I think this might have been pre-crisis. So a lot of people like. Go into events and shit. Cakes and shit. Yeah, yeah. So there's like a bit of a line. And it's like they do coffees as well. Yeah.

And little donuts and stuff. Yeah, cupcakes, that kind of gear. So, yeah, like it's a busy moving place. Yeah, right. And she's like, even though I felt cake shamed, I still feel like apart from me, she was like bringing a good vibe to the store. Yeah. I still feel like apart from me she was like bringing a good vibe to the store. Yeah.

So she was trying to just go, hey, mate, got a party on? Fuck yeah. Oh, because most people just go, oh, yeah, like my mum's birthday or whatever and you go, oh, I hope it's a great one. Yep. Yeah. But then she goes, oh, it's no birthday. So what's the occasion?

Oh, it's no occasion. Oh, so you just feel like cake. And I just went, yeah. And then I was telling this to Bridget later and I've since learned this and I'm milking it hard. She goes, do you know how much points you'll score if you start going, my wife's pregnant? Oh, yeah.

And she's craving it. They would have given you the cake for free. Oh, they're fine. I feel like I paid for 17 cakes. But she goes, if you say that to anyone, they'll be like, oh. A hundred percent. What a sweet husband. And he ain't getting some stuff.

And now I've really started milking. So I went to the bakery after that. I was like, I'm down here. I've got to get a loaf of bread because, you know, can't have too many carbs. Yeah. And I go, oh, can pregnant people have gluten? Like just random question.

Yeah. They're like, I should be fine. I'm like, okay, great, because I've got a pregnant wife. That's not the same thing. Isn't it? Okay. So I've misused the areas. Yeah. Okay. I feel like buying a. So I've misused the areas. Yeah.

Okay. I feel like buying a weird niche item such as the birthday cake when there was no birthday, it would have worked there, but it doesn't just work when, you know, you're fueling up your car and you go, oh, a lot of fuel today, yeah. Wife's pregnant. Yeah, wife's pregnant. Had to bring the V8 to cart her around.

That's actually the worst thing you can say. Don't say that. Yeah, definitely. So I get home, like, pretty flat and pretty judged. Because you're feeling pretty shit about yourself. Yeah, I feel like a fucking idiot. And I get in and, like, you know what? I was given a description and I fucking got the job done.

Yeah, and you know what? Like, you can cop that because Bridget's at home. You know that you've brought home exactly what she wanted. She's going to be happy. Yeah, so I pull it out of the bag and she just goes, and it's like, oh, it's a whole cake. And I was like, yeah, like you can't. You can't buy a slice.

And she goes, oh, can you just cut me like a really thin slice? Because she has like, I don't know, I assume this is normal. No longer is it like three big meals. It's probably like five or six smaller meals a day. You just kind of snack through the day. Yeah. And I was like, oh, of course, you can't eat, you know, you have to have a whole massive thing.

And the cake was fucking huge. Was it? Like. Like a dinner plate size or like. So how many people were at my house when you came around New Year's? Like 15 or 20 something? No, like eight. No.

There was three couples. Four. I think that was 12. Anyway, if I had pulled that cake out, there would have been leftovers. And so I get home. There was like 10 of us, I think, yeah. Yeah, so it was like it's a cake for a party. And so I get home, Bridget gets a small slither and Hazen goes,

oh, that's really nice, but it's like it's very rich. Yeah, right. I probably can't have any more of that. Oh. Can't you? Well, look. Well, a minute ago it was all you fucking wanted. Well, look, I'm going to put it in the fridge

and maybe you'll feel like some later on. Did you have a little bit? Not a big cake. A little bit. Not a big cake. But did you have a little bit? Well, I did after that because I was like, well, I fucking went through that all deal.

Someone's got to fucking eat this. So I was like, all right, fucking put the kettle on. I'll get to work. Yeah. And then for the next 10 days, every meal. Did you need a bit of cake for that? She's like, no, it's a bit too rich for me. And I go, oh, okay.

Then after lunch, I'm like, oh, it was a nice lunch. Maybe a little bit of cake. Maybe a little bit of cake would be good, wouldn't it? Yeah. So, A, I'm never buying cake again. Yeah. B, even if I could, I will never go back to that other place because I feel like an arsehole.

Yeah. And that is fair enough. Yeah. I do have a question, though. Yeah. Is it someone's birthday? Carl. See, there you go.

Now you're fixed for the next time. Yeah. He died on his birthday. It's his funeral. It's his funeral. It's his funeral. Slash birthday party. Birthday party. He would have been 40 today.

R.I.P. What do you love to see, Tony? Oh, this tweet that I found from Liz Hagelthorne. Oh, g'day, Hagelthorne. G'day, Liz. Liz Hagelthorne. Oh, g'day, Hagelthorne. G'day, Liz.

And it says, We need Shazam for clothes and shoes being worn on TV shows and movies. Couldn't agree more. Wouldn't that be awesome? Yeah. You fucking, someone strolls onto the telly and you go, Fuck, I like that T-shirt they're wearing or that jacket's just amazing. Yep.

Wouldn't that be, if you could figure, not that you could ever afford to buy something that someone was wearing on TV. They do that in the Daily Mail. Yeah. But it's always a celebrity and then you scroll down it's like by the way her bikinis from fucking gucci you can click here and buy for ten thousand dollars oh yeah right so that's like the high end yeah so i've that but for every day yeah but like for if someone you know you're watching something on netflix or i know you're watching fucking maths yeah and you go, oh, I love her top. Like she doesn't have a fucking stylist.

She's just wearing her own clothes. So I like, we like the podcast Life Uncut and I love the Facebook group because there's a couple of wild rides going on. Like there's always shit going on there. I love when there's a Photoshop challenge. Oh, like on a Facebook thread and they go, oh, can youoshop out this person yeah but then people send funny ones and i love that and then i love when it's like a juicy story

um but what i don't like is every second post it goes oh hey um here's me at a music festival see that girl on the left in the background where do you reckon she got that top from oh i've never seen one like that all the time and then every time there's a picture of a girl, it's always like, oh, does anyone know where that belt's from? Oh, yeah, and then there's always a million comments and it's like, this one's similar from blah. Yeah, yeah. And obviously I'm not in the market for

the star, so I'm like, get back to the funny shit. Yeah. But obviously there's a market for it because there's thousands of people in that group all day, every day just trying to figure out what other people are wearing. That's a great idea. That is a great idea. All right.

Once you've retired from Cluedo detective work and Monopoly and Property Mogul. Yeah. And a baker, because apparently that's quite lucrative business. It's fucking lucrative, that business. How much was the cake? You've banged on about it. Just tell us how much it was. It was $58.

That's fine. Yeah. Well, it's. That's fine. Yeah? Well, it's actually probably not fine. For one thin slice. Considering that she only ate a tiny bit. If we had eaten it all. See, if it was for Kyle's birthday, his 40th, may he rest in peace, then, you know, you go $58.

Yeah, I'll bring the cake. $60, that's easy. Yeah, piece of piss. Yeah. Cost per person. I was going to say cost per where of the cake. I've got to love to see it. And I don't know if this is a joke because it's like a play on words because it's actually that funny.

Have a look what I've just DM'd you. Okay. Turn the volume up so everyone else can hear it as well. Oh, hang on. So I've just got an email about tracking for a parcel. I'd say it couldn't be delivered. Torbis at home. Torbis at home.

That's bullshit. It could have been. You know over the fucking, sorry, over Christmas, right? They were like, oh, no, like couldn't deliver it. We were both at home. I've been playing fucking Monopoly. We were both at home. They took it to a post office like a suburb away.

There's six fucking post offices between me and the one that they took it to. There's three on your street. Yes, there is. Anyway, sorry, opening the reel. I can't believe how drunk you are. I am not drunk. Yes, you are.

I am not fucking drunk. Can you tell the time? Yes. I am not fucking drunk. I don't think they'll drunk you up. Can you tell the time? Okay. He looks and turns at the clock.

And points at the clock and says, I'm not drunk. I mean, is that not what she said to do? It's not your best. It's not your best, you love to say it, I don't think. Sorry. I'm really sorry. And I wouldn't normally call you out, but I don't think that's your best, you love to say it.

I've been cake shamed. I wouldn't normally call you out, but I don't think that's your best of love to say it. I've been cake shamed. I've overpaid for something I didn't even really use. Yeah. All I needed was just a little pat on the back. Yeah. And a little, even a sympathy laugh.

Okay. No, it is the year of honesty. Yeah, it is. Conflicting values. You want me to lie to you, but I've said I can't lie. I want you to still be honest. But not with me. And do I look good in these pants?

Fuck. No, you know what it was? I'm just, I'm feeling let down because you've shared about 12 You'll Love To See It's over the past four episodes. And they've just gotten so good. The bar's just so high. Can I try another one? Yep. Alright.

I've sent you a picture of a stick. Oh! Yes, I'm back! Please explain this stick. The stick, it's like a twig with, like, two branches off it. But they're like, where it's been cut makes it look like eyes and a mouth. So it looks like someone going.

A person standing there like they've just crossed the line of a marathon. Did you find this? Yep. And I love to see that. That's so funny. I aspire to one day be as happy as this stick. Yeah, that stick's so happy.

Yeah. Never seen a happier stick. No way. You love to see that. You do love to see happy. Yeah, never seen a happier stick. No way. You love to say that. You do love to say that. Yes. Good job, you've redeemed yourself. Nice work.

Thank you so much. One from 2A bad. Well, some would say. Yeah, I mean, normally we just do one each. So whose birthday was it? Carl's. He was 40. Rest in peace.

Yeah, RIP. RIP. He loved this cake. Could you do a discount? We'll be, mate. R.I.P. R.I.P. He loved this cake. Could you do a discount? We'll be back tomorrow. Yep. For a Wednesday. Wednesday.

Audio Queen, maybe? Fuck, we just need to go home, I think. Yeah, all right. All right. Yeah, we'll see you then. Yeah. Love ya. Yep.

Catch ya. Meow, meow, meow. Sounds. I'd love a bit of cake. You don't have any, do you? Fucking where were you all Christmas, mate? We had so much cake