Toni and Ryan - Ryan's Massive Cough

Episode Date: April 16, 2023

Aussies VS NON AUSSIES and the most EMBARRASSING thing that can happen with a co-worker. Love you! T xoxox Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group!��Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. Hello. My name is Ryan. I'm joined by Dr. Author, bestselling author, Dr. Tony Lodge. Doctor. Doctor.

That's top selling doctor. Oh, thank you. Yes, of course. Yes, of course. And we're calling the Gold Coast. Whee! And we're calling Dunny. Oh, is that you we're calling?

From one Dunny to another. It's Sarah Dunford. Or are we not saying last names? Do we? I don't know. We'll ask her. Let's drop it. Hello. Dunny drop it. Hello.

Dunny! Hello. She's like, no, don't call me that. Do you associate with being a Dunny or nah? I do, yeah. Oh, are you a Dunny? I am. Ryan gets a Dunny as well.

Yeah, it feels good. It feels right. From one dunny to another, will you approve this podcast? Of course I will. What a legend. Oh, not full of shit after all. We've heard them before. We've actually heard all of them.

No, no, but it was just a joke. There is no jokes about toilets that we haven't heard. Oh, well, see, I get like, oh, well, you're a lodge. Can I live inside you? You know? I'd love to get inside. I'm sorry. Whoa, okay, all right.

Run the thing. It's Sarah from the Gold Coast and I approve this podcast. All right. Welcome to the show. Welcome. Coming up today. What are we doing today? The most embarrassing thing that can happen in a workplace.

Hang on. Last week you had the most embarrassing thing that can happen in the city. Yeah. Now we're doing workplace. Because I've experienced it. And I'm sick of being, and in this case, I wasn't bullied by Tony. Unlike last week. I was going to say.

I don't remember embarrassing you. But I think you might have seen, Tony, the aftermath. Oh, okay. Or you might have just seen some people looking weird and trying to pretend like everything was cool. And I reckon anyone who works in a busy workplace will... All right. It's not ideal.

Okay. It's not ideal. Okay. It's not ideal. But first, things non-Australians love about Australians. See, I... I haven't... I haven't been to Hollywood. So I've heard.

So I haven't been to America. And you studied... Like, you went to college in America. Oh, I'm sick of hearing about it. Yeah. But so... Because you did that and like lots of my friends that either you know spent their gap year in america or england or whatever they always say like oh you just open your mouth and people love it yep

um people love it when i do that as well for different reasons um but that people like hear the accent and go oh i love an auss. Yeah. Why do you think that is? I don't know because as we've discussed, when we hear an Australian accent on a TV show, it makes me want to vomit. Or when you're travelling and you hear another Aussie and you go, we're actually not with them. I don't know that guy.

He's not with me. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. Diane writes through. Hi, Diane. I love how Australians are friends with spiders. Like if they see one inside, they'll catch it in a container and be like, hey, girl, you lost.

Let me find you a nice tree outside. But here in America, we either call the exterminators or burn the whole house down. Now, you're scrunching a bit of a face. I think it's a common misconception that we're fine with it. If there's a spider in your house, what do you do? You'd murder him, wouldn't you? It depends.

You're a cold-hearted killer. If it's like a daddy longlegs, I'll just leave it. Like there's a daddy longlegs with a massive web full of little insects in our bedroom at the moment that I'm leaving because he's having fun. He's having a little snack. That's fine. If it was a dangerous spider, I would kill it now because of Pippa okay because she loves bugs right like whenever there's a moth or a fly or something

she's like at them I think beaten by a spider have you ever been bitten by a spider no it's a bit like Yeah. It was really bad. So I pulled. So this is another really Australian thing. My washing was on the line outside. Yep. On the Hills Hoist down the back. Yep.

Showed up. And I pulled my sports bra off the line and just put it straight on. And there was a spider that had crawled up inside the underarm kind of strap. Yeah, and it bit me. Swell up? Yeah, I went to the emergency room. Whoa. Yeah, yeah.

That's serious. My dad took me to the hospital. Yeah, because it was just like it swelled up so quickly. And I didn't know what type of spider it was. That makes it hard. Yeah. Oh, if it's a brown snake, we give you this. If it's a black, we give you that.

What was it? I don't know. I have no idea. So we had a big, hairy, thick one. Yeah, like a huntsman kind of vibe? I guess. I'm not great with names, but it was on the wall and Bridget was sort of freaking. So I got like last night's takeaway tie plastic container.

Yeah, you make sure it's clean before you put that against the wall. Yeah. Yeah. And so I put that up and held it on the wall. And then the paper underneath? Oh, I got the lid of the container and then like snapped it shut. Yep. But here was the problem, right?

So then I go into the backyard and I went to like throw it off the balcony. But like I was like, I can't unclick the thing fast enough because I didn't want it to go in my hand. So I was like, what I'm going to do is I'm going to rip the lid off. And then as I'm ripping the lid, I'm going to throw both the lid and the thing off the balcony. Oh, yeah. Just toss the whole thing.

And so then I just threw it off and didn't open it. So then I had to go down and re-open it. And approach the spider. Yeah. And then re-open it again and let it go. Oh. But I think that's sort of a common thing to do is you kind of like let it be. Get it out of the house.

The glass and the paper normally. and like, let it be. Get it out of the house. The glass and the paper normally, yeah. Blake says, I love how the word oi means 500 different things to Australians depending on the length, volume and pitch of the oi. Yeah. Should we have a conversation using only ois?

Oh, that might be confusing. We can. I don't know. We'll see how it goes. Yeah. If you're hearing this, it means we didn't edit it out. Oi. Oi. Oi?

Oi. Oi. Oi? Oi. Oh, oi. Oi. Oi. Oi.

Okay, what just happened? We tried to have sex with each other and I said, you need to stop. Yeah. I thought it was on. Tony said no. We believe in consent. Oi means oi. And then we decided to respectfully go home into a waste.

Yeah, I felt that. Jacob says, I love how Australians are on the front line for us Americans when it comes to Mondays. What? Getting in first and taking the heat of the battle against the weak every single time. Oh, the time difference. You Aussies deserve to head off for the weekend early each week as you do.

I like that. That's very clever, Jacob. It took you a little bit, but I can say when I first read that comment, it took me significantly longer. Right. I do often think about how crazy, like time difference is something that I like basically cannot get my head around. We know.

It really, I just can't get it. So last week we did a live stream. I don't actually think that I can deal with this again. All I'll say is that I tried to do it seven times and say here all the time. And then even the last one still wasn't there. So I always say, Ryan, just say it's blah time in Melbourne. A-E-S-T. And you figure it out.

And just everybody else, because now in the iPhone, there's like the world clock and it's easy to figure out. You can literally Google it. Like if it's 8 a.m. in Melbourne, what time is it in Orlando? That's what I did. Right? No, but you didn't because you fucked it up. And then you wrote down and you wrote all these times you've gone to all this effort,

which was wrong anyway. But then you wrote like Wednesday the 13th and Thursday the 13th. That didn't help anyone. Yeah, so it was very confusing. Question. Question. If I said to you, Tony Lodge, cool, I'll meet you there at nine o'clock London time. Yeah.

You would just go, oh, I'm not going to figure that out. But like, only because why would you do that? Well, that's what you're saying I should do to everyone else. No, but if you're joining a live stream, I feel like because there's so many different people. That's on them. It's like, yeah, but if you give one concrete time. Yeah. Then it's up to everybody to work backwards.

Yep. Yeah. Whereas if you give six different times that, none of them add up to being the same time. Yeah, that didn't help. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's why no one came. No one came to do yoga with me because you gave them the wrong time.

We were just doing yoga by ourselves. Now, I don't know if Lee is in on this joke. Oh, Lee. Or if Lee is getting made fun of, but he doesn't know. I don't know where I stand with Lee. Lee is from America. Hi, Lee. And recently did a travel trip

in Australia. Yep. And Lee is saying something he loved, but just the way it reads, it makes Lee seem a bit special. Okay. I love how Australians just call things as they are when i was traveling around australia there was a road called poison swamp road and so i asked the driver why is it called that and the driver goes because the road's near a poison swamp

why else would you call that says lee gotta love that swamp why else would you call that says lee gotta love that uh what's your read on this situation tony lunch it seems like a bus driver was making fun of Lee And Lee doesn't know that Yeah Because that would, you know I And he's written, oh, gotta love that, don't you Lee, he's seen you coming, mate That's a thing, yeah Fucking this guy

There's a poison swamp across the road Yeah I Love that I'm just confused And that's why Lee loves Australia. Yeah, well, Lee, we'd love to have you back, mate. Thanks for coming.

Hopefully you figure out the time difference. Don't let me play in your trip. No, I'm just sending you something here, Tony. Okay. I've sent you this from Natalie. Natalie says, everything I love about Australia is in this note left for a delivery driver. Right. So you know how you order Uber Eats and it's like,

is there a message for the driver? Yep. Yeah. All right. Restaurant notes. No doorbell. Yell, oi, really loud. Okay.

So this is extremely funny, but put yourself in the shoes of the delivery driver. Yeah. Do you go, well, that's what they said for me to do so i'm going to do it or are you being stitched up or how are you feeling delivering the food um i'm probably thinking to myself if i don't do it they'll make fun of me oh okay you know like if i if i go g'day guys like what you know i've got your food yeah g'day g'day, guys. Like, what? You know, I've got your food. Yeah. G'day.

G'day, mate. Or whatever. They're going to go, nah, it's not what we said, mate. And then you just hear this, read what it says. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and you know that it's probably like young kids who have like taken mum's credit card for the weekend because they've got, you know, mum and dad are away. And they go, oh, we'll make him say it.

We'll make him say the C word, guys. We'll do it. We'll get him to say it. Because what I reckon would be great is so i've had um uber eats with grandma um and like if i just leave that little note and then like the delivery driver rocks up yells that out and grandma's like what the fuck yeah but that's the thing she'd probably complain yeah because you you like if you weren't expecting it you'd go probably not. Grandma wouldn't take it through a formal channel. She'd just let them know what she thought was the right and wrong way to greet yourself at the door.

Excuse me? What did you just say? Is that how you announce yourself at someone's home? Yeah. What would you do? Yell it out? See, I'd want to be the cool guy who did it. Yeah.

I'd be too scared of, like... What if it was a stitch-up? I would order pizza to someone else's house across the street just to witness that. Oh, I think... You wouldn't give up a margarita, though. Yeah. Oh, no. You're like, that is pretty funny, but I'm not giving away this pizza.

Yeah, but I really want the pizza. Yeah, I wouldn't risk it. Fuck, how good's garlic bread? There's this pizza place that Torbs and I like, and it's like a New York pizza place. It's called Sal's, and they do garlic knots. So it's like a little... Stop it.

It's really good. Stop it. And they come with that ranch dipping sauce. So it's really, it's very good. Sorry, we've gotten off topic. We're off topic. We stopped talking about pizza. That'll do us, like as in pizza will throw us. Sorry, we've gotten off topic. We're off topic. We stopped talking about pizza. That'll do us, like as in pizza will throw us.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Up next, something's happened in the workplace. I'm embarrassed. I need to put it out there. You read the receipt on the Uber Eats, didn't you? Hey, it's Sarah from the Gold Coast, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

You can check it out at any time. Joel P. Love that. Thank you. Shannon Chubb. Mingyok Lee. Ken Miller. Shannon Dollard.

Charlie Piese. And Alexandra Brayne. Love that. Thanks, Brayne. Good on you, Braynie. Pop quiz. Pop quiz. When is a moment that you would have fake coughed? When in your life do you reckon you've fake coughed?

As in like, kind of thing? Could be that, yeah. Or like coughing to cover a fart or something? There's a great example. What else have you got there? Yeah, probably to get

someone's attention. Yeah. Like if Torb's and I are somewhere and he's like not reading my body angle, body, body anglish? Body anglish. Sorry, he's not reading my body angle body body anglish body anglish sorry he's not reading my body angle but he's not facing down i'm ready mate but yeah if he's not like kind of

picking up what i'm putting down if i've got to go you know another really good one is when you're like waiting at like a butcher's counter yep or like in a cafe or something and you don't want to ding the bell you don't want to go oh excuse. You don't want to go, oh, excuse me. Is there a way to ding the bell that's not aggressive? No. It's the same as beeping when someone doesn't go at a traffic light and you want to just do a little pip. A soft touch.

You just want to do a little pip. Yeah. But yeah, when you're standing. They're facing the other way. They're cutting up the meat. But you're standing at the counter or whatever and you don't want to ding the bell and you don't want to go, excuse me, because you're happy waiting. But you just know they haven't seen you yet.

And you do a little cough and you go, and they go sorry and you go oh no you're right i'm still looking and you play it cool that's what i do uh i will often put my phone down on the counter just oh so there's like a sound or just like jingle my keys a little bit yeah just so they'll go oh someone's walked in i can hear their keys little do they know that i'm like rummaging around oh yeah to try and be like i need to get some steaks and go home. Yeah. One of the other times you will fake cough. Yeah.

Is if you're in the bathroom stall and you hear someone. And you're plopping. And you hear, no, like you hear someone else coming into the toilet. Oh, and you want to kind of. Like go, as if to say. Occupado. It's the occupado cough. Yeah.

Yeah, I have done that. And they go, oh, that one's taken. Yeah. So... I've actually... The thing that you just said about rattling, if you've got keys on you or something, you kind of like rummage around a bit.

So they go, oh, it's obviously something. Oh, and are you saying that you might cough to cover a splash? Yeah, cough on a plop. Yeah, I think that's pretty common. Just a little... Just to try and cover it all. I also do that when you're pulling the toilet paper. If it's a noisy...

The jiggly one? Yeah. Yeah. So I was forced to do the fake cough here at work because I was in the bathroom, number two, sitting, and I heard footsteps. Towards the... Because the floorboards are quite creaky here at work. So you can hear someone coming a mile away.

And do you trust on the twisty thing when it's like green for vacant, red occupied? Because you know how I feel like the colors over time don't match up all the way. Yeah, it doesn't actually turn when it's supposed to. Yeah. Yeah. So I think there's a pretty old doors down the back there. I don't know if it correlates well. And so I just wanted to make it really clear.

That you were in there. Yeah, and I didn't want someone barging in. Yeah, and because if you're doing a sit as well, you're on display. You're wide open. Like, I hate to say it, but you are wide open. Like, all your goodies are out. Okay, let's talk about trust. Yeah.

On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being no trust at all, 10 being safe as a house, locked in, no need to worry. How would you rate the locks on the doors here at work? The one on the right's all good. The one on the left isn't great. Number? I'd say two or three. I was going to go four at a push.

Yeah. And if you push on it, even a little bit of a lope in the right eye. Yeah, so don't go four at a push. Four at no push. Because it looks like someone's yanked it and the wood's kind of come away. Yeah. So I'm aware of the dodgy lock. You're in the tall one on the left.

Oh, okay. I'm in the four out of ten, dropping a two out of ten. And I hear the footsteps. Yeah. And now I know is that if you lean forward as far as you can but still keeping your butt where it needs to be, you can get close but not all the way to the lock. Yeah.

Because I was like, I don't know if that's proper locked. I'm coughing. I'm leaning forward with my hand out to try and like just, you know, jiggle the lock even more just to double check. So you't locked it well again I thought I had but because it was the four out of ten you gotta get right like you can easily think you have to pull it all the way back it's like I thought I'd locked it and I was like oh no so Darcy who's a podcast producer who works in the building works on another podcast it was him and he's a he's like a quiet guy he's a real quiet guy you know how there's some people

that if they're you're in an awkward situation you know that they'll kind of like unawkward the situation because they'll go oh mate fuck sorry and then it's kind of over he's pretty awkward here's a question i never thought i would have to ask you who would i want to walk in on me in the toilet in this building no but let's go with that. Okay. Alright. Let me answer that first. Dil Buckley. Because he would just un-awkward it straight away. Would you trust me to un-awkward it? We'd get content out of it.

I'll get a story out of that. Yeah, so that's pretty good. Probably not, actually. I think that you'd be like, oh, sorry. Yeah, like when I yelled the baby's name out. Yeah. I think that maybe you be like, oh, sorry. Yeah, like when I yelled the baby's name out. Yeah. You know, like I think that maybe you'd panic a little bit.

So Darcy just opens the door. Sees you sitting there and you're doing the hand. The hand out. I almost grabbed his dick. Because he's walking and he needs to pee. And again, even, not that there's a good way to be sitting on the toilet, but like when you leaned out stretching, like, trying to grab it, and he just walks in. And I don't know if he was, like, on his phone or anything,

but he got, like, a full step in before he realized. Because the door kind of opens out. So he opened the door and kind of went to go. Maybe I could have reached the door, but as he pulled it away, it got even further. It got further away. And then I reckon he'd got a step in before he realised I was there. So he was like, not just like over there.

He was in the room. Okay. So I need a reenactment. No, please don't. Of the sound. No, because you know when you're caught in a really awkward position and you make like a weird noise. You go.

Yeah. No, I know exactly what you're saying. So is that what happened? So, all right. So you I know exactly what you're saying. So is that what happened? So, all right. So you realize there's someone coming. Okay, first of all, I just need to give some context to the sound. Yeah. I was not...

I don't want to use this word. I don't want to use this word. Were you pooing? No, no, no. But this word... What? Okay, forget what you think about the word straining. Forget that.

I see you pulling face. Forget that. I was straining at like in the length for the door. Not straining. Yeah, but not to get it out. Straining to go forward. Who does number two work for? Yeah, no, a different strain.

That's a number butt strain. This was an arm reach strain. Yeah. And then that sound moved into a like a, oh, no. So we could do the sound. Okay. All right. So I'll be Darcy who was walking towards it.

Yeah. And then I'll do the cough. And then you do the open. And then I'll make the sound. All right. Is that what Darcy did? No, I would prefer that he did that. He just went, oh.

And like almost stood there for a second to kind of like go, what's happening? Like, I don't understand. He went, oh. And just stood there in the room. Get out. And then he stepped back and walked, and then it's like, oh, and then walked off. He could have at least shut the door when he left.

He didn't shut the door? Well, I had to go back and grab it. And then I came out and he was in a meeting, so I couldn't do the like, oh, oh. Oh, have you brought it up with him since? Well, I wanted to straight away because you're like, well, this is just. Because the longer you leave it, it seems like you're just trying to ignore it. Yeah.

Yeah. What did you say? Well, there was lots of people around, so I tried to make it funny. What did you say? I just said that Darcy and I are really good friends because there's no part of me that he hasn't seen now. See, I would have, you know what I would have done? I would have gone back out there and been like, oh, Darcy, I'm just going to the bathroom.

Did you want to come with me again? That's what I would have done. Damn it. That's so much better. Yeah, you're so much better at this than me. Yeah, that's what I would have done. Because I feel like then it's like, oh, did you want to come with me? You know?

Yeah. Like, oh, I invited you last time. Can I just put something out there? Yeah. I mean oh, I invited you last time by, you know. Can I just put something out there? Yeah. I mean, what haven't you put out there recently in our office? Yep. If you hear a cough, why are you just opening bathroom doors?

I think that's a little bit on him. Yeah. No, it's all on him. Yeah, I think it is. Because you, I mean, you were doing what you're supposed to do in the toilet. Yeah. And I feel like doing the cough is like. That's a universal like, oh, someone's letting me know.

It was twisted, so I'm assuming it was hopefully kind of red on the back. Like enough for you to look at it and go, oh, I wonder... Because I always, if I see the door closed, I'll just go... I just go to the other one. Or I just go, I wonder if someone's there, and then I'll get a vibe. Normally, I just go to the other. If the door is shut, I just go to the other one. Yeah.

But, yeah, it is a bit hairy. Sorry to say hairy. Don't say hairy. Now that you know this. Yeah. Can you, like, I feel like it hasn't been the same with Darcy and I since. Sure. Have you felt any tension or just lack of camaraderie between Darcy and I?

Now that you know. Now that you're saying that, I mean, maybe there has been a little bit of penis scene tension. Maybe you have to see Darcy's dick. Maybe that's the, you know. I laugh, but I actually couldn't agree more. Yeah, I think that you have to. Is he still here now?

I don't think so. And I'm going to do him a favour and say, no, he's gone. He's gone for the day. How would I approach this with him? I would just say, hey, mate, look, you obviously saw my cock the other day. I feel like maybe things have been a bit weird between us since. Tunnel Brothers? No.

Would you like to show me your dick? Because we don't have HR, so what's he going to do? Yep. No, I couldn't agree more. Yeah. Do you want to save Darcy? No. No.

No. No. No. Well, aside from Darcy's dick, what did you love to see? Don't say it like that. Last week, we revealed that Tarpis Seren in Perth received the new saxophone mouthpiece. Yes. From the Fuck It Fund.

From the Fuck It Fund. At TonyandRyan.com.au. Our first recipient. A message has come through from Seren. Oh, hi, Seren. Just got my marks back from my performance exam. I got 80%, which is 15% higher than my last year's mark for the same performance. Thanks again.

It's given me so much more confidence. It sounds so much better. I'm super grateful for the mouthpiece and the TARP community for allowing me to get this. Sarah. Yeah, I agree with Cam. I'm clapping. You going to clap, Tony? Oh, she's clapping.

I love that. I love that. See, I think that sometimes you just need that confidence, eh? Yep. And because they had that in them the whole time. Yep. You know? Is it like a placebo?

Well, I mean, they're probably. It was an expensive mouthpiece, so I hope it's more than just a placebo. Yeah, it fucking better not be. But you know what I mean? I reckon that Saren could play like that the whole time. Love it. Killing it. They just needed the confidence.

Keep doing it. That's confidence. Keep doing it. That's amazing. Oh, you fucking love to see that. What do you love to see? James Fry shared this in our Facebook group. My partner and I just told each other I love you and also recently decided to move in together this summer. Whoa.

Couldn't be happier. That's some big steps right there. Love that, James. We had some awkward I love you stories that we shed on the pod a little while ago. Sounds like James's went a lot better than those. Do you and Torbs want to move in with me and Bridge? Sure. Would you really?

No empty offers. Yep. Okay. Well, yeah, you're right. There are no empty offers. What time will you come around? Well, obviously, you know, it's a Monday, traffic. Yeah.

Maybe give a couple of weeks. Yeah, okay. Yeah. There will be a new addition. Yeah. That's okay. I'm great with babies. Yeah.

Yeah. I could be a little nanny. Oh, a little live-in au pair. I'll be an au pair. You'd be a great... Yeah, look at this au pair. I shaked my boobs. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. And I can't wait... Sorry for saying shaked. Shook. Shook her? I shook my boobs. Shaked her? I didn't shaked my boobs. Yes. Yeah. Yep. Sorry for saying shaked. Shook.

I shook my boobs. I didn't shaked. I shaked my boobs. No, that's shook. I'm wearing a different bra. Okay. Do they look huge? No, don't.

No, I'm embarrassed. I'm wearing a different bra because I'm wearing like a t-shirt. Oh, okay. You know, when normally I just wear like a Skims bralette. Gotcha. But I'm wearing like different bra because I'm wearing like a t-shirt. Oh, okay. You know, when normally I just wear like a Skims bralette, but I'm wearing like an actual bra. Is it too much? Is it weird that I don't notice when you get a haircut, but I did notice that?

No. Okay. You're always creeping on me in the bathroom. Sorry. That was just like a throwback from earlier. Yeah, I know. Sorry. I was the creepy, not the creeper.

Oh, yeah. True. True, true, true. Well, I think we should see Darcy's dick. What should we call this episode? Should we name it after him? No. Because as I said, there is no HR.

So it seems quite. Because then he might listen. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, that is true. All right. We'll chat to you tomorrow.

Have a great day. Fuck. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.