Toni and Ryan - Ryan's Sweet Relief

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

Ryan is relieved. And not in a toilet way. Love you!!! Toni xo [USED TO BE VIDEO EPISODE BUT NOT ANYMORE LOL TECHNICAL CHAT]Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Hello. Now, if your name was Lizzie Pellegrin, would you prefer to be called Lizzie Pellegrini? Because I just feel it looks like Pellegrini on the page as I read it. So I'm torn because Natalie Brulia, because instantly I thought of Pellegrino, the water, but Pellegrini's, the Italian place on Bourke Street in Melbourne.

I thought they were the same thing, but you're right. An I and an O is not the same. No, otherwise I'd be Tono or Taney, which actually does check out. She's a tiny girl. Yeah, I'm so small. Who said that? Yeah, I know. You can't even see me because I turned to the side.

Oh, you're on the side. I'm so small. Let's call Lizzie Pellegrini. Lizzie Pellegrisi. Hartford, Connecticut. Jizzy Lizzie. No. Oh, sorry.

Maybe we should meet Lizzie before we call her Jizzy Lizzie. Yeah, I reckon that's a fair call. Hello. Hello, Lizzie. Hi. We were just deciding whether we were going to rename you Pellegrini or what was the other one? Jizzy Lizzy

Did you have a preference? Honestly out of those two I think I'd prefer Pellegrini But that's also not my name I said it looks like Pellegrini Take another look at it How many L's are in my last name?

Zero Ryan what the Take another look at it. How many L's are in my last name? Zero. It's zero. Ryan, what the? You fucking, I need to start seeing these names. You can't be trusted. What is it? Lizzie, how do you? No, no, no.

You try it again. You try it again. Now that you've looked at it and you realize there's no L's, you have another go, Ryan. Lizzie Pergrin. Oh. Yeah. That was right, wasn't it? Pergrin. Oh. Yeah. That was right, was it?

Pergrin. How did you get Pellegrini out of Pergrin? There's a P and a G, and that's all I needed. Lizzie, like I, is an adoptee. Oh, wow. Maybe you're related. No, I don't think you're. Is it kind of like how all cats are girls and all dogs are boys, like all adoptees are related?

There's so much to, I can't believe how much I've got to unpack from just six words that you just said. Both of those things are facts. Thank you. They are facts. They are facts. But no, Tony has this thing that all adoptees are like siblings. I think it's the mystery that I love because on Madeline,

you don't know, you don't know, you know, and you go all these girls must somehow be connected. I get like. Thanks, Lizzie. Lizzie's on my side. Lizzie, have you ever panicked that you've hooked up with a sibling? No, because I, like like you did the ancestry thing and i know who all my siblings are so none of them are ryan that's fine so you're safe so safe yeah uh well lizzie pellegrini um you do

approve this podcast yeah i, I guess. Yeah. He's your brother, Lizzie. Your own twin sister. Hey, this is Lizzie from Connecticut and I approve this podcast. Imagine if someone came up to you who you don't know that well and said, I've got something for you and it's going to be a huge relief. I'd probably keep walking. Pretend I was on the phone. Hello?

My phone just vibrated as I picked it up. Sorry, that was on the phone. Hello? My phone just vibrated as I picked it up. Sorry, that was so strange. Answer it. Do you want something to be a relief? I went and got a coffee the other day up at the corner at my boys. And that's what they said to me.

What? Coming up today, I'll let you know what had happened. And they go, you're going to have a huge relief. They got a toilet. I don't know. That's not it. It's not toilet related. Okay, good.

But my mind went there, but it's not toilet related. Yeah, I'm like, oh, when you need a wee, maybe that's good. But first, the height of comedy. Oh, I'd say about 156 centimetres. What are you wearing, those platform shoes? I am because it's me, but I'm about the height of comedy, I'd say. I thought the T-shirt that said, my body is a machine that turns dicks into suck dicks,

I thought that was the height of comedy. It was pretty good. I was wrong though. The height of comedy is putting something inappropriate in the description of a bank transfer when you have to send someone money. There is nothing funnier in this world. It is good. Do you do this or are you too scared?

I don't do it anymore because I read an article that scared the fucking pants off me and I reckon that's what's coming. This could be the end of comedy, actually, since this letter's been sent out. And I hate to be the one to bring it to you, but you only need to hear one of these stories once before you go, maybe I'll put my bank description comedy cue in the rack. Yeah.

Let me read this headline. A British man received a letter from his financial institution warning him about the controversial reference names when transferring money. He owed $50 to a mate after a night out. A couple back, lads. Yeah. I wonder what the 50 was for.

And he wrote Taliban training fee. Whoa. What the fuck? In the description. Oh, my God. Which automatically flagged and automatically opened an investigation with the anti-money laundering and counterterrorism financing department. I've got two things to say.

First of all, I used to write funny things like, oh, drugs or. You know, but like the word drugs, not like, oh, money for heroin or something. Like I just go, oh, drugs or like, oh, poo poo patrol and then send the money with that. Thanks for a good night. Yeah, great, right? Not that because that is insane. But I've found a hole in their plan.

Do you think that if there was something nefarious going on such as that, that that's what you would put in the thing? Hiding in plain sight. See, Tony, every time there's an innocent victim, Tony, because remember this about the Facebook marketplace scam? Oh, yeah. Anytime there's an innocent victim, Tony goes, that's what they want you to think.

I do do that. Question. I said do do. Say we were. Have you missed it? Did you miss me saying do do? Say we were. Shouldn't when we pay these guys next right something fucked instead

of like sophie woods pay it says like boom job or something is that harassment because i think it is that was inappropriate i'm really sorry wouldn't it be okay if i said it to james yeah it would have been okay if I said it to James? Yeah, it would have been better if you said it to James. Because it's true. Because that's what he's saving up for. Do the guys think I should get a boob job? Do the guys think I should get a boob job?

Or are they outing that I have had a boob job? We paid them in foot fucks. Tony's lost the guard's word. If you got paid in boob jobs, how many would you need a year?

Oh, I want to be covered in tits. Fuck, he's done all right. He's got 19 boobs. Doing very well. Yeah. How's he doing? Very well.

That feels like an ancient way of telling how rich people are. Eight maids a-milking. If we were, hypothetically, to join the Taliban. Oh, Ryan, what the fuck? I just think it would be more than $50. Wouldn't they have invoice numbers too? Yeah, like when you, I'm just saying your thing of like, maybe they're hiding in plain sight.

I think 50 bucks. No, well, I said, surely that's not what they would write. But yeah, the price should throw up a thing, Sophie. Can I just flag something? So he, the bank sent him a letter because him writing that in description flagged something. Yeah. We've just said it about 1,500 times on this podcast.

What do you think that means? Are we- The bank listening? Are we going to get flagged? The bank? Flagged from what? AI. I don't know.

The cop's going to rock up or something? Because we said that a lot of times. Let me read the letter. Okay. This is what they said. We appreciate that you're probably having a joke with your friends. Oh, they actually wrote that? Yeah, but we are legally obliged to investigate such matters

because when you get a financial services license, there's a bunch of rules and regulations you have to abide by. And one of them would be if these words are used, you to look into it fair and that is fair this is a time-consuming process and whilst this is the first time we have written to you we also had to investigate the payment you made last month that said isis training as well what the fuck your friend will also have been pinged by his bank when the money hits his accounts as well. This is a polite request to ask you to cease marking payments in this matter.

Kind regards, Blocked Out Name from Blocked Out Bank. Not their real name. Oh, what? Oh, I was like, oh, no, I'm with Blocked Out Bank. Is that the cousin of Block Party? Remember when your friend didn't hook up with that guy? She didn't. That's no way.

That was just a random guy that looked like a guy from Block Party. Was that episode seven of this pod? It was really early on, yeah. For those new tapas, one of Tony's friends claimed she slept with the guy from Block Party, not knowing that he's actually gay and was not in the country at the time. It was just some random guy at a hostel. I went, yeah, I'm that guy.

That went, she went, you just like a guy from a block party. He went, as luck would have it, I am that guy from a block party. Yeah, the reason I look like him is I am. Yeah. And I know I'm staying in a hostel in a bunk room with eight people in it. It's to be with the people. I'm just trying to keep it real. Yeah.

I also just think like what a waste because it's not that funny. But there's way funnier shit that you can call a bank transfer. Like, do you know what I mean? So it's like if you were going to go down for something, imagine going, fuck, it wasn't even good gear. Why don't you? No, I'm sorry. You know what I'm saying?

Maybe you should have just written good gear. Yeah. I want you to look down the barrel of the camera and say, instead of saying Taliban training fee, you should have instead said and then insert a financial institute writing a letter worthy joke. I feel like I used my really good gear on boob job before. Yeah, okay. That's fair.

That's fair. But let this be a warning to everyone. Say boob job before. Yeah, okay. That's fair. That's fair. But let this be a warning to everyone. Say boob job. No, say nothing. Say nothing. I'll just say 50 bucks from last night. Oh, good dog. Yeah, thanks for the bevs.

There is a limit, I think. Yeah. Bev's ex. Yeah, okay. Hey, it's Lizzie from Connecticut, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out from, fuck me, a few of our jamming types. It's not staying in.

Scotty D. Scotty D. not staying in. Scotty D. Scotty D. Good on you, Scotty D. Jordan Montgomery, Caitlin Hoare, James McDonald, and Diana Cripps. Absolutely love to see it. Thank you so much for being here. It's our pleasure to have you. An honor and a privilege.

And strap in, strap on, strap out. Because Monday is a big announcement. And I reckon, yeah, it's going to be good for them. You know what I'm saying? It'll be good for the Tarpers, may not be good for Tony and Ryan. Is that fair? Depending on what you're strapping on, then yeah, maybe. Yeah.

Great to watch. Yeah, I'll pay that. What's your relief? I walk into the cafe up the road and the barista goes, I've got something for you and it's going to be a huge relief. And at this point. Would you like to place any guesses? So this is what I want to do.

I think that things from a cafe that are a relief, because obviously like you're going there for something, but like you're obviously going there to buy coffee, say, but then like, you know, what's like a little treat? That's a relief because obviously like you're going there for something but like you're obviously going there to buy coffee, say, but then like, you know, what's like a little treat? That's a relief. They go, oh, we've cut this pie too small. We'll just give you this. Like this little slice, we're just taste testing it.

That's like a pleasant surprise. Yeah. Maybe not a relief. Yeah, I was going to say they are a pleasant surprise. And up there and next to like we often do get, oh, it was the end of the day and so we got two for one. They've done that for us a few times. Yeah, but I wouldn't.

I mean we're keeping them afloat. Yeah. But relief. Not really the right. Unless you're so hungry that it's like a sweet relief that you're finally sinking your teeth into a little sinker slice. Yeah, it's not it, but that does make sense. A relief. A bathroom, which you said it's not a sweet relief that you're finally sinking your teeth into a little sinker slice. Yeah, it's not it, but that does make sense, yeah.

A bathroom, which you said it's not. No bathroom, yeah. Oh, I reckon they had your wallet. They had my driver's license. And he goes, we've had it for weeks. Have you been looking everywhere? And I said, I didn't even know I was missing. Didn't even know I lost it. Didn't even know I lost it.

That's amazing. And great from me. I did not know that. He goes, have you been looking everywhere? And I went, no, I didn't even know I didn't have it. If you had said, where's my license, I would have gone, it's in my wallet, which is probably somewhere in my car or somewhere at home on my desk.

But if they had it for weeks, why didn't they give it to you sooner? We go there all the time. Oh, I go to a few different ones and then it depends who's on. Oh, yep, okay, yep. And so the guy who gave it to me, he wasn't on and he goes, oh, sorry, I've been meaning to give it to you, and I keep forgetting, and every time you leave, I go, oh, fuck, we've got these driver's licenses.

And I was like, I had no idea. So three and a bit weeks they had it for, I had no idea that I didn't have it. And they go, yeah, you must have popped your wallet down or it came out of your pocket or something. And I was like, yeah. Glad someone's paying attention. And this brings me to a point of order in that who's using a wallet and physical cards because i was late to pay id and apple pay and

now you're addicted well now that i use it i'm like what the fuck is a wallet for yeah who's carrying around a wallet but then if you're not carrying around your wallet, do you know what that means though? You can't get cash out and it's a fucking nightmare. Have you tried to get cash out on your phone? No, I don't do drugs. Yeah. I don't need to get cash out.

No, I don't do Facebook marketplace shit, which I know is why you're trying to get cash out. And we also, I don't ask questions, but the guy that brings the big truck of firewood. Cash only. Cash only. Cash only. Yeah. Now, we knew we were getting a firewood delivery the other day,

like a big couple of months worth. Yeah. Because it's like. Like a few ton or something they drop off. Yeah, and they back it in and like dump it all, then we got to like pop it all away. And so me and Bridget and Mabel were out and I went, oh, I'll go to the bank and get some cash.

And there was a bit of a brouhaha because where's my wallet? Because you go, fuck, I don't have that, yeah. And then we made the same joke. We're like, cash out? What are we dealing drugs? Yeah. And so Mabel's asleep in the back of the car. Bridget's in the front seat passenger and I've just gone into the bank

and it's like on the main road of Altham, it's pretty busy. And so I just walk up and try to look as dodgy as fucking possible and just like knock on the car window and Bridget goes, what? And then she puts the window down a little bit and I try to like give her the cash. So you're trying to get flagged by the bank as well. Yeah, then she takes it and then I just like walked off looking really dodgy.

And she, to great audience, she was pissing and I was like. She would have liked that. Yeah. She would have liked that. Yeah, she would have liked that. And then she was like, right. Everyone's going to think. And I'm like, I know. That's what they think. That's what I'm doing.

Yeah. A sly one. Where's your wallet? Do you have a wallet? No, I don't because I've got some really fucking good news. The only thing about not having a wallet now that's annoying is that you don't have any ID. Yeah.

In Australia, it's very new. And in Victoria, it's about a day old. Look at this. Sorry, just using my fucking face ID or update required. You're winding up as well. I was. Getting really revved up. Oh, no.

Getting on your high horse. We've just gotten digital IDs in Victoria. How fucking good. And it's so fucking amazing. Look at that. There's your license. How good's that? And the QR code and stuff so they can, if you get pulled over or whatever,

they can scan it and verify you and you're all good. There is literally no reason to have a license anymore. Isn't that amazing? Like a physical card. Wallet. Yeah, no, keep your license, but you've got to digitally. So I saw this TikTok the other day. You're joking.

I've seen one before. This person says, oh, I'm 34 years old or something and the girl goes i know you are because you've got a wallet and it was like this hot young cool girl who was 21 and she was like fuck that cut yeah and she goes yeah like we don't do that like we just like it's not like i don't know where my wallet is like i don't have one like one. Like, we don't do that. See, I've got all of this. Some other place. In my, no, no, no, in my phone. But then I've got my wallet just in case.

That's what I mean. It's just sitting someplace. You need it just in case. Like, I reckon mine would be in my handbag. So apparently hot Gen Z girl's like, well, no. Where should I put my stuff on a night out? It's on my phone. It's all good.

That would have been. Because you remember back in our day, we had to go out, you had your phone, your digital camera, your wallet. Oh, the digital camera with the thing on your wrist. Yes, so you had the strap on the fucking digital camera. Yep. And you had to have cash as well because most bars didn't take card. So you're walking around jingling change.

You've got cash, cards, ID, digital camera, phone. I mean, no wonder we're all traumatised. I remember stumbling. That's why we all stay inside now because we used to have to take so much shit out with us. So every time I got a round of drinks, it was like $17, $18. You give them a $20, they give you $2, $27 fucking change. Also, fucking this must be back in fucking yesteryear

because $18 for a fucking round of drinks. i'm pretty old and don't have many friends so then i stumble out of cheers nightclub on glen ferry road on a tuesday night at like 2 a.m in the morning nice and i've got from every round i've bought yeah a bunch of like the two dollars from every single one i'm surprised i didn't have a stronger abdomen because I was carrying around 45 kilos of coins. Yeah, from all the extra. Yeah, because then they go, it's $18 and I go, two, three. You feel embarrassed.

Here's another 20. Here's a 20. Isn't paying for something with coins the most humbling thing you've ever done? It is so embarrassing for absolutely no reason. It feels really high maintenance. Oh, 5, 10, 15, 20. When you can just go, oh, yeah, I'll just tap or I'll just give you a 20 dollar note.

Do you think there's like a feeling of when you're counting out the money, it's like it's your last $8? Yes, and you feel like you're like handing over your only pennies. Yeah. You're like, oh, sorry, bro, I've got a hex debt. I'm paying for college. This is all I've got. Yeah.

Oh, that's sad. Now with a card, though, beep, declined. Feels better, though, doesn't it? Yeah. The butcher shop in Eltham, the sound it makes when it approves your card is. Oh, kick a man while he's up. It's approved. Why would you do that to someone who's all good?

And you go, oh, oh, oh. And the guy goes. Yeah, it means it's fine because he gets it every day. No, there's money in there. I promise. I promise. I promise. But he goes, all good. Have a great day.

And you go. Is this free? Do you like me? I'm married. Yeah. Are you kidding on me? Yeah. Excuse me.

That's my wife right next to me. This is our baby. Because the way to my heart is with sausage mints. So. As it should be. Do you want fucking a butcher? Meat from the butcher. That is fucking...

That's high society shit. Put some pork in my fork, I believe the saying is. That used to be their slogan, wasn't it? Yep. Yeah, Australian pork. But thanks to the guys at Fast Eddie's for giving me my driver's license back. Yeah. Appreciate that.

That is good. And hot Gen Z girls without wallets can go fuck themselves. I've got a love to see it that's actually coffee-based as well. Oh, please. That the other day I was like waiting for a takeaway coffee and there was a mum and a dad and like a four, five-year-old sitting at a table outside. And as I'm like, I'm standing there waiting for my coffee

and the barista like walks over to the table and he's like, hey, guys, I know you ordered two coffees and that chocolate, iced chocolate thing. Just want to let you know I'm assuming that the iced chocolate is for your kid and it does actually have coffee in it. But I just wanted to double check because I didn't want to. That is very nice, double check. Isn't that so sweet to double check?

And he goes, and they're like, oh, it is for the kid actually. And he goes, oh, all good. I very nice double check so sweet to double check and he goes and they're like oh it is for the kid actually and he goes oh all good i wanted to double check and he goes back and he brings back two drinks and he goes this is the one that you ordered and this is the one without the coffee and just like one you know one of you have that as a little treat isn't that lovely so i was fucking tearing up standing there with my wallet. I'm ready to pay. Like a millennial fucking idiot. Yeah, I've got my keys, my wallet, my digital camera.

And I just thought that was so fucking nice. Yeah, and you put your kind of pulse down. This is a beautiful moment. I pulled my skirt down that had ridden up as I was dancing, hold my stiletto to my head. That is really nice. I just thought that was really thoughtful. Yeah.

I thought you loved to see that. I was with- The world needs more shit like that. Emily, Shane and their daughter, Vader, and I ordered a hot chocolate and they said, is it for the kid? And I said, no, it's for me. That is humbling, though. That's the worst feeling.

The dad goes, oh, no, actually, that's for me. The latte, that's for the kid. Yeah, fuck, righto. My love to see it is from Scott. It's not Scotty D, is it? No, it's Scotty KC. Kansas City Scott. Kansas City Scott.

Warning, a little bit of dream chat ahead. Love it. I'm Natalie Imbruglia about this because I don't want to encourage people sending me stories about their dreams. I love dream chat. Who fucking knows how that's going to end. I had a dream the other day that I was using a bidet, and then I came into work and I said,

I've had a dream that I was using a bidet. And then Sophie said, I had a dream last week about a bidet, and then we talked about that for like 10 minutes. That wasn't a dream. That did happen. What? No, no, no. I think I was here for that.

Yeah, no, no, no. The dream chat was that we were chatting about. No, but you were awake because I was here. It happened. No, no, no. But we both dreamed about a bidet. Yeah, because I was here when you got here. And you were like, I had a dream about a bidet.

And I'm like, yeah, no. So that really happened. That wasn't a dream. Something really happened the other day and it was dream chat that occurred. No, but you were asleep. No, but so in real life, I came to work and said, I had a dream about a bidet. Yeah.

But it was real because I was here. I heard it. And Sophie said, I also had a dream about a bidet in real life. We both had this conversation. Was it in a dream or in real life? So the bidet stuff. This story is bogus. The bidet.

I don't believe a word of it. The bidet stuff was in the dream, but the real life part that happened was that Sophie and I were talking about it and, yes, you were there. In Australia, we call them bidet, mate. I changed it. Fuck the kid off. That's my love to say it. Fuck the kid off. That's my love to see it. Fuck the barista off.

Fuck the kid off. Fuck wallets. Fuck that off. That's hilarious. I'm giving my driver's license back. The height of comedy. Yeah, you're fucking right. It's the height of comedy.

That's fucking funny. That's fucking funny. That's fucking funny. Shit. Anyway, Scott has a shit story that we just iced the room down with. I was actually pretty deep and meaningful, so I'll just fucking check my attitude real quick. Scotty said it's actually kind of dark. Oh, fuck me.

Oh, no. It ends good. Just trust me that it ends good. of dark. Oh, fuck me. Oh, no. It ends good. Just trust me that it ends good. But when I say that. All right. All right. Hey, Scotty. I've been having a really tough time. Oh, fuck, dude.

I've been having a really tough time and I struggle with insomnia. I actually am not a great sleeper myself, Scotty, so I understand how much I can fucking sleep. Yeah. But last night was a little bit different. I listened to Tony and Ryan while brushing my teeth before bed, and when I got into bed, I finally got to sleep, and I had a dream that I'd gone on holiday with Tony and Ryan.

Is it true that, like, the last thing you think about before bed can, like, translate into a dream? I don't think it is always the case, but it is possible. Yeah. Because your brain's already in that zone. We had an awesome time in a random cabin. That sounds like a fucking movie if ever I've heard one. Laughing, joking, and generally fun having.

And when I woke up, for the first time in months, I felt like I'd had a proper night's sleep. Oh, that's real. I'm glad that we could be there with you for that. Thanks, Tony and Ryan, for making me feel so much better, even through the power of dreams, you love to see it. I wonder if Scotty's seen the film Inception.

I wonder if he uses a bidet or is he a basic bitch with toilet paper? Maybe he's got a bidet, mate. Oh, that is so funny. Thanks for sharing that. That's really, I'm like, I'm not good on no sleep. So when people are like,

oh, I really struggle with that, like my fucking heart breaks because when I haven't had any sleep, you fucking know about it. We know about it. Yeah. I said that like you don't know when I've not had sleep. Like I've said that from a point of like, yeah, no. Solidarity, sister.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's more tired than anyone. We're all tired. We're all tired. We're all doing our best. Hey, tomorrow, normal or nah, you can submit yours at tonyandryan.com.au

or go into the Tony and Ryan Podcast Facebook group, which now has 127,000 people. Oh my God. That is fucked. Which is crazy.

Proud to be one of them. Only two shows to go. I've actually technically two people because I've got a page and a profile. So I'm actually two of people because I've got a page and a profile. So I'm actually two of those people. So if we've got to shave one person off the number,

I will be okay with that. But what if everyone's got their professional page? Does that mean we only have 67? Don't fucking say that. 67 is not half 127. You stupid idiot. It's actually not. Oh, I'm doing my MBA.

I did an MBA instead. Whatever business you worked at is fucked. It's the business you work at. Your name is in that business. First. First. Back tomorrow. See you.

Bye. Bye.