Toni and Ryan - Saucy Sibling Secret

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

Ryan has fucked up in the shops lol love you xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. I'm concerned. I'm here too. We're calling Liam who's in Oregon and I'm going to let him say what he does for work because- Great. No, that's fine. We can hear from Liam. Or maybe it's my fucked brain. His job is actually fine. Oh, I mean, it would not surprise me. Liam. Liam. Hello.

It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you guys? We're very well. We've got a problem. We've got an issue. Ryan's a bit worried.

What do you do for work, Liam? I am a wound and ostomy nurse. It's very gross. All he does is talk about wounds at home. Oh. Now. Like my wound or an actual wound? An axe wound. My axe wound. Pussies. I mean, I do see some axe wounds at work. However, not my favorite.

You wouldn't want a wounded axe wound yeah i've seen that on the news okay so i've so i've seen the term wound nurse and i thought that was like a bad naughty thing to say oh ryan no but then it makes sense that there would be a nurse i'm just thinking about how grim that would be except that um when i used to work with a heap of Kiwis, they say wound as in like pain in the ass. Like, oh, he's a real fucking wound. And like, so then whenever people use the term wound, I think that. I think you're saying axe wound and being a disgusting person. And then when I hear the word wound, I think of that.

I'm actually pretty sexy. So I don't know if you take that how you want to take that. Liam. And I'll take that how I want to take that. Liam, will you approve this podcast? Yes, I will. Yay! Excellent. We made it. Hey, it's Liam from Oregon and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the show. When was the last time you did something and then cringed so hard just out of pure embarrassment you wanted to dig yourself into a hole and die?

Every day. Okay. All the time. You're asking the wrong person if you... Something happened yesterday and I've still got the jitters. Oh, what have you done and i've brought shame on us and our family we only just got back into the country i'm gonna leave again tomorrow oh where are you off to anywhere away from northland shopping center that's our local

i know you can't be fucking around don't shit where we eat i I shat on it yesterday. Oh, no. Yeah, we'll get to that soon. But first, these are TARP confessions. TARP confessions, Tony and Ryan podcast-er confessions. Yep. You can submit them anonymously through our website or send us an email. We don't get any of your info. So if this is like your darkest, dirtiest, darkest, dopest secret.

Like this one, it's fucking legal chat. We love a bit of legal chat um then we can't track you down we don't know who you are like we can't respond to you it's very very anonymous i accidentally outed our ceo and now he might go to jail strap in folks that's fucking on jail i was the executive assistant of a company that was going down the toilet because of our slimy, dodgy, sneaky CEO. God, don't you just love the use of the word slimy in that context? I noticed he'd flown overseas, business class of course, with his wife, but

the return flight wasn't for two years. Seemed odd, but I put the invoices through and saved down the information, which was normal protocol for me being the EA. Totally. And because you've got access to everything, but you probably just like switch, you don't like. Yep, it's filed away. Well, you're working.

It's not, yeah. The following day I was with the finance managers and they said that the CEO was not in the office today because he was in meetings with the Australian tax office sorting out a few tax issues. And I said, no, he's not. He's overseas. He flew out last night. The finance managers looked shocked, stunned, and disgusted. It turns out the CEO had done a runner and skipped the country because his tax evasion and fraudulent ways were catching up with him. He was on the run and he didn't tell anyone. If it wasn't for me processing the invoice of the flights and stuff,

they just thought he was like down the ATO sorting it out. The goal to put that on the work card? Yeah, that's first class with his wife. But like- Fuck you. If you were trying to get- Pay your own way. But like if you're trying to get out like, you know, unseen,

under the radar, you don't pop it on the work card and send the invoices to your EA. You sound like you have experience in the matter of us. Is there something you need to tell us? Yeah, I never get my EA to book my- Tax evasion. Yeah. Avoision?

Tax evasion. Tax evasion. Avoision. Oh, the evasion. Turns out those invoices and documents were the thing that helped the feds track him down. The feds. I no longer work- The feds?

Yeah. Yeah. I no longer work there, but it's been great seeing him dragged back to Australia, dragged through the courts and the newspapers after the truth has all come out. How good does it feel when you've worked somewhere and the people just suck or they're not doing the right thing or whatever and then you see that in the media or, like, you know know people start kind of catching on and there's whispers of things and you just go

this is going to take care of itself yeah like every fucking bitch has a day sucked in for example i imagine yeah working for sucks um I wouldn't know. Beach house horndog. Slight change in tempo. I found out. Sorry. You said horndog.

I heard corndog, like a dad would dog. Would you prefer to be locked in a room with a hot horndog or a hot corndog? And both is an option. Yeah. I'd say imagine getting railed and then eating a daggled dog. During or after? After. Okay. Well, that's too much going on.

That's too much to think about. What, am I going to have two things in my mouth? Yeah, you've got to be very aware of which dog is biteable and which is not. Oh, I put tomato sauce on you. Oh, sorry. Sorry, bud. I found out this girl was.

Be very careful. Now that we've talked about the corn dog and the horn dog, I think you need to take a deep breath. You're right. I'm thinking about corn dogs. I'm all revved up. You revved up about the corn dog and the horn dog, I think you need to take a deep breath. You're right. I'm thinking about corn dog. I'm all revved up. You're revved up for the corn dog. Isn't it great when the tomato sauce isn't warm

but the corn dog warms it up a little? But it's like cold but it just takes the edge off. You know when they dip the corn dog in and it's like a vat of tomato and that's how they do it? Yeah. I don't like that. I like it when they do the zigzag. They do it on, yeah.

The zigzag of the tomato and the zigzag of like spicy mustard, that is cum town population me. Medallia still. I found out this girl I was sleeping with was hooking up with other boys. Hot. Good for her. But instead of getting angry, I got revenge. Oh.

People are allowed to fuck other people. If you're just seeing each other. I'm a proud gay man, but I tried the whole straight thing when I was a teenager. Fair. This girl and I live far away from each other, but our families both had beach houses. Must be very nice. Oh, okay. If you don beach houses. Must be very nice. Oh, okay. If you don't mind.

You're doing fine. If we were both at the beach on the weekend, we'd end up doing the hippity-dippity. It's proximity. Yeah. Like, it's like, oh, well, you're next door. We might as well. We're in this beach town. It's like this forbidden love that only exists on the weekend.

Feels like a movie. It really does. Or like, what's that TV show, Puberty Blues? Dawson's Creek. Oh. Same thing. Dawson's Puber like what's that TV show, Puberty Blues? Oh, same thing. Dawson's Puberty Blues. Really? So when do they eat the hot dog?

No hot dogs from here on out. Oh, actually, no, I take that back. I found out from a friend that she had a few boys on the go back in her hometown and I was heartbroken. But instead of getting angry, I got even. a friend that she had a few boys on the go back in her hometown and I was heartbroken but instead of getting angry I got even. One weekend I was at the beach but she wasn't but her brother was. We were at this party and flirting and he was pretty into me and then we went back to his family's house and he was really literally into me.

to his family's house and he was really literally into me. For the next three months, I'd go to the beach most weekends and most weekends I'd root the both of them and the girl never knew. I think the boy- Sorry, I'd root the both of them. That's his quote. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the boy knew and didn't care,

which now I think about it is pretty fucked up, but whatever, I was 17 and it was awesome. That does sound pretty awesome. But is it weird that the- A little holiday fling. You know, but like that dick in your mouth has been in your sister. You know? You know?

Yeah. You know, I'll take the corn dog. Like for the confessor, fuck yeah. Yeah. But for the brother who knew about the sister, weird. Yeah, actually. Yeah, see? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he knows you'd also do on the sister, but he's like, I don't care, I'm fucking railing this fucking twink at the beach, whatever. Side note, he said the boy was better in the sack. Oh. Yeah, I'm sticking with the corn dog. Hey, it's Liam from Oregon, and you're listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

You can check out our Patreon anytime. All the links to that are in our show notes. But Cheyenne Anderson, good on you, Cheyenne. Ali Matushka, Hillary, Maeve Wood, and Lainey, thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. We absolutely love to see it. And we can't make the podcast without Laney, thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. We absolutely love to see it. Love to see it. And we can't make the podcast without you. Can't do it without you.

So thank you so much. Tony Lodge, you listening to the pod, you're at a shopping centre? Mm-hmm. At the mall? Yeah. It's busy and you see a man walking by himself, eyes darting around. Yeah. Muttering to himself but out loud.

Yeah. Don't you fucking go in there. Don't you fucking dare. You don't need that shit. Forget the fuck out of there. Get the fuck out of there. You wouldn't fucking dare. Get the fuck out of there.

Would you like maybe, it doesn't feel nice to talk about, but you'd maybe like give that a wide berth? Well, yeah. Let's get going on there. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm running errands yesterday at Northland. yeah yeah so um i'm running errands yesterday at northland and um you know how i've been really into creativity inc the book about pixar yeah because i've only just discovered audiobooks

and i'm loving it sick and this one in particular is just fucking it's the guy that created pixar and i'm hearing the backstories of toy story and all that and i'm just yeah i can't put it down so because i had to like go to the supermarket and then go pick up some other stuff and I had to drop off something that Bridget was returning. I was like, I just haven't, I'm like, I want to keep listening. So I'll just pop my headphones in. Yeah. And then I was like, I'll get a haircut while I'm there.

Yep. So, you know how boys don't book? We just go to the barber. Yeah. That's so annoying though. Yeah. Like, obviously there are times when you go, how good I can just walk in, but most of the time I feel like, you're like, fuck,

I've just got to sit here and just wait. Yeah. So I walk past the barber and there's like one guy getting his hair, like he's in the chair, but there's no one waiting. Yep. And I was like, oh, fuck, because I hate wait. So I was just going, oh, I might be on here. You're all good.

Yeah. I just got to return this thing for Bridget and I'll come back. Yeah. So I'm on my, oh, I might be on here. You're all good. Yeah. I just got to return this thing for Bridget and I'll come back. Yeah. So I'm on my way back to the barber and I think I'm talking to myself, but I've got my headphones in and it turns out I'm actually talking out loud because I think there's no one left in the barber. There's a guy in front of me who's looking a bit scruffy. Yeah.

He's heading towards the barber and he's going to snake my part in the line. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. So I didn't realise I was saying this out loud. I thought I was thinking it. But I saw him and went, don't you fucking go in there. Get the fuck out of there. You don't fucking need that shit.

Why? Because I'm like, I don't, because there's no line and I'm like, he's going to nab the spot. Is that what's going on in your head? Yeah. That's not good. And then as I was walking there, because you know how Northland's a fucking maze and it goes everywhere. I actually, dude, I go there pretty often.

It's like my local, but I don't know my way around there at all. Yeah, I had to show you out the other day. Yeah, I don't understand it. But then there was this other guy heading in the same direction. And I'm like. Are we all going to converge? but i don't know if he's going to the barber so i'm like sussing people's hair and i'm like no you're looking all right so you're like staring at all these people all these men and i'm looking at the big oh no you don't need that shit you're fucking your beard's fine mate you don't need that you know fuck off you don't need that and then i see this other guy who was looking like you Mate, you're filled with poison. Yeah, then there's this other guy that was like,

like clearly needed to go to the barber and was headed towards the barber. And he was like half at like. Just in front of you. Just ahead of me, but kind of across the way. So if I had to like put. Did you get a jog on? If I had to put the foot down, I'm like,

I could probably snake this, but it would probably. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. See, this is but it would probably, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. See, this is what's going on. Yeah, see, it's all happening. Yeah. But it would just be very, like, it was like, I could get there in front of him. You would look like such a cockhead. Yeah.

The only way I could get in front of him is to get a jog on. To get a jog on. And then he would obviously go, oh, you've just. What a loser. Fuck you, because you've snaked my spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm sort of like trying to do a little fucking power walk and I'm like, fuck you, fuck you, don't you fucking,

fucking, fucking, fucking. You cut your head off. And I thought in my mind, I was just like, here's what I thought I was doing. But your internal monologue was happening externally. Because I was getting a power fucking walk on. I'm all revved up from the games. Did you get a bit puffed as well? Yeah, no, I was puffed. There's lots happening. I was happening externally. Because I was getting a powered fucking walk-on. I'm all revved up from the games. Did you get a bit puffed as well?

Yeah, no, I was puffed. There's lots happening. I was puffed. One of my headphones fell out and it was only then that I realised I was talking out loud. So I thought I was in my mind being like, no, don't you go in there, don't you go in there. But it turns out I was audibly saying, fuck you, fuck you, you fucking go in there, you fucking get back there. Or like, no, I reckon you go in there. Don't you go in there. But it turns out I was audibly saying,

fuck you, fuck you, you fucking go in there. You fucking get back there. Or like, no, I reckon I can beat you. You're fucking, I'll get it. Yeah, yeah. Did you have a moment where like everything slowed down and you realised that everyone was like looking at you? Yeah.

Because it's a busy shopping centre. Yeah, so I ended up getting there at about the same time as the guy and by the time, I will admit, he ended up maybe half a step ahead of me all good who's judging doesn't matter um and he has the look on his face like he's just raced a crazy man who's been yelling at him the whole time yeah and he's just like oh maybe i'll just go maybe i'll cut my own hair maybe you scared him did he go or did he wait i didn't go in oh because he was half a step ahead and then I was embarrassed. Yeah, because you're like.

And there's like three barbers at Northland, so I'm like, oh, I might just go to a different one. Yeah. But that thought didn't cross your mind when you were swearing at someone? But I didn't know I was swearing at him. Oh, well, that's fine. Are you allowed to swear at people in your own mind? In your own mind, yeah.

Thought's just a thought. It doesn't mean anything. Yeah, it doesn't mean I fucking hate you, you fucking asshole. Yeah, see, then that's different when you say it out loud. But as you know, we go to Northland a fair bit and I made a fucking – and I just – in that moment I went, I've been saying it. And you just got so caught up in – And I was like – I just like took a step back almost in a deep breath

and went, what the fuck am I doing? What was I doing? I'm so embarrassed. I've been walking around here. Like muttering to myself and like. And like that thought we had earlier when I was like, if you saw a man walking around by himself just muttering stuff, you'd kind of go, oh.

Oh, maybe not. Poor guy, bits going on there. And I was that guy. That was me. That's not good. No. Noits going on there. And I was that guy. That was me. That's not good. No. No. How are you feeling today?

Your hair looks great. Thank you. Yeah, went to a different spot and they nailed it. Yeah. A bit of jet lag going on, do you feel, as well? So you're like a bit out of it and you're like, oh, that's not good. I didn't think of that, but I will 100% blame that. Cop it, I reckon.

Take the win. And you go, oh, go oh yeah sorry i've been traveling a lot and people go sure what through time from alpham yeah yeah so um i don't know i just feel like an idiot well i've got something that might cheer you up did i seem sheepish when we spoke yesterday because i think you were i saw you after that happened um oh not not like any more than you. Like I was just like, oh, you've been working and whatever. So you seemed okay. I was a bit rattled because I felt just embarrassed.

Yeah. Where did you fucking go in there? It is embarrassing when you. Your hair's pretty fucking good. Fuck you. It is embarrassing though when you do something and you go like, fuck, do you reckon everyone saw? And then you know that everyone did.

Yeah. And I've been doing this for a few minutes now. Also, actually, in a moment of self-reflection. Yes. Who the fuck wears headphones walking through a shopping center in the first place? That is on me. Lots of people do that now. Yeah, but I don't like it.

I've never done it. It felt weird. At the time, I was like, is this a faux pas? And now I'm like, fuck, that's what you get. I think it's not for me. A lot of people have said that they listen to our pod while they're, like, doing their grocery shopping and stuff. But I just feel rude.

Like, if people are trying to get around me or whatever, I would just feel bad if I, like, missed what they said because I was like. But you're not a podcast guy, though. When you're, like, in a story or you're in the middle of something, you're kind of like, oh, I want to hear. Like imagine you're watching a movie and you're like, I want to see how it ends. Yeah.

No, and I understand that side of it. And Creativity Inc, Pixar, they created Toy Story. I do understand the part of like not wanting to put it down because whenever I read a book, like I'm a Kindle person. Got a reader over here. No, no, no. I'm not an audio book person because I can't pay attention. Yeah.

I just like drift off and then I'm two chapters away and I go, oh, fuck, I've got to go back. Yeah. So I like when I'm reading something and it's like bedtime, I'm like, oh, I really don't want to put this down. So I do get that part of it. But wearing, I mean, probably more for safety than anything. There's people muttering in the shopping centre.

I've got to stay vigilant. I've got to stay alert. Some crazy motherfucker like you turns up. Yeah, I've got a story to tell here. Yes, I was at Northland yesterday and this guy was screaming at the barber. I've got to love to see here from Michaela who shared this and it really made me laugh and I think it'll bring you back around

from your horrible experience at Northland. Sorry, and like I said, I feel dumb. So please, just bring me back. No, no, no. You're fine. Michaela sent this on Patreon. Michaela says, came home yesterday from work and my husband and I were sharing our stories of the day.

You know, their daily debrief. The debrief. I'm a banker. Boring. And he's a truck driver. So we have crazy different stories every day. So like she goes, oh, yeah, someone came in and needed this thing. And he goes, well, I was on the road and this other, you know,

like pretty different lives day to day. He was having troubles with his truck and complaining. And one of the parts he was struggling with was his tarp tower. And Michaela goes, don't be a fuckhead. And he was like, what? And she goes, oh, say hi to Tony and Ryan for me. And he was like, shut up. And like just kept telling his story.

Apparently it's like a real part of a truck. It's a tarp tower. A tarp tower. Do we need a rebrand? Are we transport aligned now? I think we could be in the transport industry. Michaela says, I hate that he doesn't understand my joy, but glad he just deals with it, which I think we could be in the transport industry. Michaela says, I hate that he doesn't understand my joy, but glad he just deals with it.

Which I think is beautiful. I think that sums up most places. You don't get it, but I'm happy for you. Having problems with his tarp tower. Me too, mate. What does that mean? I'm going to just quickly Google that. Tarp tower truck part. No, nothing's coming up. Okay, maybe she's a liar.

Or maybe it's like the tower that the tarp is attached to. Like a tarp, like an actual tarp. But anyway, yeah, having problems with their tarp tower. And I hate to say that. I hate to say that. I hate to say that. Before you get on your high horse and start mercilessly mocking me, I just need to know that I know that we've already talked

about this before. Okay. But I need to warn everyone. Dad's naming boats. That the following story contains dad's naming boats. How do I know? This is from Claire Bear Mead. Hi, Claire Bear Mead.

Who's a tarper. And she said, you love to see it. Two tarp references have collided. Yes, I love the crossover. Yeah, the Venn diagram, if you will. Don't explain the Venn diagram to me. And it says, the perfect boat name doesn't exist. That's what sea said.

And it's sea like the sea of the ocean That is very good Dad's naming boats Gosh, we need to talk about that on the podcast Someone should bring that up I wish someone would But alas, another day goes past What a waste of time Not talking about dad's naming boats

Alright, thanks so much for listening today We'll chat to you tomorrow And please send through any dad's naming boats chat And take care in the shopping centre And take care in the shopping centre Hey, you don't know what they're going through Yeah, exactly right They might be listening to a really good book

Yeah, they're just listening to a great book And they want to get their hair cut They might be listening to I Don't Need Therapy And Otherwise I've Tried Myself by Tony Lodge narrated by the author. Narrated by the author? Yeah. Is it still available for sale?

Yeah. The audio book? Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Use your free Audible credit. Yes.

Do you still get paid for that? I don't know. I'd find out. Oh, no. Use the credit. No, I don't care about that. I care about you. No, I care about the credit.

Use the credit for sure. Surely you get paid still. I don't know. that I care about you no I care about the credit use the credit for sure surely you get paid still I don't know let's google it alright see you tomorrow bye