Toni and Ryan - Semen Sample

Episode Date: May 15, 2022

Not click bait - and a genuine episode name. Hehehe love ya! Toni xxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, welcome to the podcast. Hi. I just needed to give a quick little preamble before we get this approval. Oh, okay. Now, this is going to sound like an approval we had a week ago. Oh. But let me just read out this note. Hey, it's Jordan.

I'm a gay Kentuckian that will probably be drunk in a bar when you're trying to call me. Okay. Okay. Well, let's keep it going. Thanks for the heads up. Let's see how we go. Hello? Hello? Hello, Jordan.

Are you drunk in a bar right now? Maybe. Hey, owner, you're allowed to say yes, it's fine. Oh, yeah, very much so. Yay. Well, even though you don't drink and approve, but would you be able to approve this podcast for us?

Oh, I would love to! Yay! Hey, it's Jordan from Kentucky and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Welcome. Brand new week. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Last week, a lot of big, bold claims were made. That doesn't sound like me. I'm assuming you're talking about me. Saying that all 15-year-olds are catfished at one time in their life. We'll get to a few responses from some of our younger tarpers coming up today. That has truly flapped me this week. And I got a bit stinky actually in my DMs over that.

Did you? Last week. Yeah, I did. What do you mean stinky in your DMs? Just got a bit stinky. Okay. I guess we'll get to that. We'll get to that soon.

There was also a petition to see Tony Lodge at the Karen's restaurant. We'll get to that. Actually, yeah, today's not going to be a good day for you. Monday never is because you always abuse me in feedback because of some outrageous thing that I've said. Well, let me start then by allowing me to be the one that we poke and make fun of because I've... Don't say poke. Don't say poke. Okay. I'm very excited about this because generally, I had to generalise, but generally it's me copying it. Today is different. And the

beginning of today is a little bit different. A little bit different. Let me just start though by saying I've got a maturity test. Okay. Do you think you're mature? We're about to find out. I think, yes, I am. I think I'm quite emotionally mature and I think that, like, I have emotional intelligence and I can be mature when I want to be, but then I also like to be silly because I think being silly is fun. Well, yeah, I don't actually think silly because I think being silly is fun.

Well, yeah, I don't actually think being not mature is a bad thing. It can be fun and silly. And you listening to this podcast, just quickly think to yourself, do you consider yourself to be mature or do you still feel like a bit of a giggly 13 year old teenage boy in some aspects? Because here is the test. Well, given that I have to, given that I can turn it on or turn it off, would you like me to turn it on or would you like me to turn it off? Or is the true testing if I can keep it on?

It'll, okay. I think we're about to meet 13-year-old Tony and Ryan, to be honest. Wow. Here's the test. We definitely would have. If we were together when we were, you know, younger, a little kiss at the bus stop, something like that. That's not where I thought this was.

Okay. All good. All right. Maturity on. Now it's on. Now it's on. Now it's on. Bridget and I are hoping and trying for a child.

Yes. And I have gone to get a checkup to, like, test my swimmers. Yeah. So I had to. All very medical, all legit, all above board. Well, here's the thing. Oh. A mature person might say that giving a sperm sample is just biology.

Everyone produces this bodily function. Okay, see, there's the test. You failed. Some of us, though, get either, like you, just want to make jokes and, like, gloss over it because if you think about it, it's a bit funny, or just get really embarrassed and cringy and whatever. Last week we discussed how I'm a victim of medical comedy.

You're a bad... So we all know that in an uncomfortable situation where my boobs or my fanny or something is out, my instant thing is to make a joke because I'm uncomfortable. Just to break the air. Break the ice. Break the ice? Sure.

I'm not that comfortable in my body. So when other people are looking at my body in a clinical way, I'm like, okay, you're zoning in on an area and that makes me quite uncomfortable. So I understand potentially the area that you're talking about. So we discussed this on the Patreon episode. You don't go into the room and like jizz in the cup. You have to do the deed at home and then take the cup into the hospital

and drop it off. But you've only got 40 minutes from producing the substance to dropping it off because you need to keep it warm or do something. Yeah, see, it's. Fucking hell. Don't say keep it warm. Oh, my God. And they actually say keep it in your pocket, like on your person.

So it's like body temperature. To keep it warm. So I'm not, like, trying to be gross, but you actually, like, have to keep it warm. Question. Why aren't you able to just do it on site? Great question. I don't know if it's a COVID thing or if it's just, we don't have the room

because the place where I had to drop it off, it's literally like a desk in a basket and you just walk into a place and just drop it off. So maybe they don't have the space for it. Because what if you lived further than 40? They do have a thing where if you live more than 45 minutes out of town, you can use this other facility. But if you, and I said, I live in Richmond, the places in Collingwood, they're like, oh, you have to do it at home and bring it in. But you have to bring it in between 8 a.m. and midday. And it's in the city. The parking's awful.

Oh, my God. And you can't get in an Uber with a cup of your jizz. Ryan. I don't have a car. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Okay, no, you need to give have a car. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan. Ryan.

Okay, no, you need to give me a moment. Before you get disgusted at me carrying jizz in a cup in an Uber, you knew that I had to drop it off at 8am. You knew about the 40-minute window. And what did you do at 7.45? I texted you and I said, good luck with your spam. And considering you knew the timings. I didn't actually really think about that.

Sorry. Spam think it up or spam think it down? Did it come up as a pop-up over your porn that you had to watch? I'm trying to watch American Pie here and Tony keeps texting me. Yeah, you're watching the raunchiest episode of Will and Grace. I'm watching Twilight 3. Oh, fucking hell. So I'm in the Uber. I did not think about the reality of you being in an Uber

with your jizz in your pocket. So my jizz is in my pocket and I've got these forms because obviously you've got to put it in a thing with forms so they know whose jizz it is. I mean, random jizz. It could be anyone. That's my problem. The guy goes, what time's your appointment?

And I go, I'm just dropping something off. And he goes, oh, what are you dropping off? If someone says they're going to a hospital, you just don't ask questions, right? Don't fucking ask questions. There is something, there needs to be an unwritten rule with Uber drivers that if you're going somewhere, like they shouldn't ask questions about like.

Well, if you worked as a medical receptionist, you wouldn't go, oh, hey, how's your day going? Hey, how are you? Well, I'm at the fucking doctor. So how do you think? Yeah. But like, cause I've been in the Uber before and they've been like, oh, where are you off to? And I've been like, oh, I'm going to therapy.

And then someone lit me up about how therapy doesn't work. Once in an Uber, I was going to a therapy session and they were like, where are you going? I was like, oh, I've got an appointment. Hey, if I wanted your opinion, I'm actually paying you to drive for the professional psychological opinion. That's where I'm going. Yeah.

You're not that person. And it's a lot more fucking extensive than this $12 Uber. So I get to the place and it's like. And you just would have been on edge because you're like, I've got my cum in my pocket. I've got my cum in my pocket. I got one cum in my pocket. I've got my cum in my pocket. I got one cum in my pocket. And another one.

Smoking a cigarette. So I have to drop this off at 8 o'clock and I start work at 8 o'clock so there's a bit of time pressure, like get in, drop it off, get back to work as fast as I can. And so you live in Richmond. You had to go to Collingwood. Yep, drop it off. Which is what, like 20 minutes in traffic,

but should be five. Should be five, is 20, and then probably 15 minutes back. All the way back to Richmond for work, which you were already running late for. Already running late. So I'm a bit flapped. So I get into the place and the girl working behind reception. Now, I don't want to, you. No, no.

She does a double take. She kind of looks up, sees me and then goes, and then like, like looks me straight and like to. Yeah. And I know sometimes with the podcast and radio, some people might recognise you. And the TikTok videos as well. They just pop up.

I don't. Don't say pop up. Don't say pop up. Oh, fuck. So because I'm awkward as fuck and because I spend time with Tony Lodge, without choosing this method, I've gone to comedy because I'm like, I need to break the ice. Oh, my love.

And so I said. And you're not good at comedy, not like me. No, I'm no Tony Lodge. And I don't need anyone to confirm that. I know that I'm not as funny as Tony. And so I said to her, oh, it's in my pocket. What do I do with it? And she goes, put the jar over there.

And I said, jar? Is that funny? Implying you had loose sperm in your pocket. I just thought that was funny at the time. I panicked. Is that funny? Implying you had loose sperm in your pocket. I just thought that was funny at the time. I panicked. I wanted to break the arse. I was like, oh, he's supposed to put it in a jar and then kind of like put my hand in my pocket as if.

And guess what? And now this fuck. So just to recap, this girl, she's recognised you. I don't know if she just, yeah, there was a double take. Yeah. So let's assume she knows who you are. Then she said, just put the jar over there. You've said, jar?

Yeah. Yeah. My world crumbled after her next sentence. She looks me in the eye. I can't. You know what she says? What? That's very funny from you.

Like dead pants? Dead pants. Oh! Oh, my God. Oh! Oh! And then what? Oh!

Then I put the jar in the basket and walked out and I'll never return there again in my life. Hopefully not. And she's probably hoping the same. Now, would you believe it? I feel like I'm going to pass out. Well, that's not the worst thing that happened to me. The worst thing that happened to me that day is when I got back

to the office. And I want you to tell me when you would pass out or throw up in this next circumstance. I've already thrown up. Well, here's the thing. As much as I told that joke and it was a shit joke, I'm still a bit rattled. Totally.

I was anxious. I was late. You know what you're like when you're late and it's different and blah, blah, blah. It's just a weird day. It's a very weird day. And it's a Friday as well. Friday's always fucking crazy at the radio station.

Yeah. So I get back to work. And, again, tell me when you'd throw up. I've already thrown up, like I'm telling you right now. Well, like the girl last week on that glass dick, it could be a three-spew occasion. I get to the ground floor where the lift is and I push the button, but I don't know if I pushed it while the doors were still open

of the current one or if I, like, didn't hit the button properly. But as I reach out to push the button of the button, but I don't know if I pushed it while the doors were still open of the current one or if I like didn't hit the button properly. But as I reached out to push the button of the lift, I stepped back and I've noticed the light hasn't lit up on the button going up. And I've gone, oh, I wonder if I've actually pressed that right. This guy comes up next to me because it's about half past eight, busy time. Yeah. Everyone's getting to work. He sees me and he's seen me put my hand out to press. So he's just waiting for the lift. And a queue starts forming behind because it's 8.30. It's busy time. Yeah. Everyone's getting to work. He sees me and he's seen me put my hand out to press, so he's just waiting for the lift.

And a queue starts forming behind because it's 8.30, it's prime time, everyone's getting to the building. And I'm sitting there going, I don't think I've pushed the button and we're all just going to have to stand here. And how embarrassing if you reach out and do it again. You'd rather like the social faux pas of not having pushed it than try and go for it again. I wish that was the awkward thing.

This lady at the back is very disgruntled and she must be running late for a meeting. Okay, pause. There are stairs right next to the elevator. There are. But as you know, the lifts won't come automatically unless you press it. Yeah.

So the lady at the back goes, have you pushed the button? And the guy who saw me reach out goes, all good. This guy pressed it. He's thrown you right under the butt. He's trying to stick up for me, though. And you're like, prank. I just stared at the button. You know that meme with Matthew McConaughey where he's, like,

smoking the cigarette? Yes. Yeah, like, you know that meme with Matthew McConaughey where he's, like, smoking the cigarette? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just like, I'm just staring at the button, stressing. Just, like, willing it to be pressed. And he's like, don't worry, guys, this guy took care of it. And I was like, fuck. And then we wait for about another minute, which could have been ten hours. Which is an eternity in that situation.

A minute is just, oh. And then I get to the situation. I'm still, how does this end? Are we actually going to stand here all day? Then finally that same girl comes up and goes, I'll just have to press it. And then she, like, pushes in between us, pushes the button, and then, bing, open, there she goes. And she's like, see?

And then gets in. She said see? She said see. And then her, me, and the guy who threw me under the bus had to stand in the most awkward lift ever going up to a half floor. Oh, at least you didn't still have the cum in your pocket. Hey, it's Jordan from Kentucky and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. You're listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast.

Hello. Very cool, calm, recently relieved. And cumlected. Cum collected, actually. Excuse me, what did you say? Cum and collected. Cool, calm, and cum collected. Yeah.

Welcome to the podcast. And shockingly, people paid a listen to this, so a big thank you to a few of our new champion tapas, Amber Kitten, Amy, Hillary, Lana Roud, Julia Saunders, and Andrea McQuirk. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon, buying our exclusive content. A fucking Frank Green water bottle is coming your way, bebes.

Also, I know I mentioned this before the show, and I don't know if we confirmed or denied. I always feel like a news anchor when I do that. Yeah, and you sound good. Because I hold up a piece of paper, read all the names, and I put them down, and then I rearrange my papers, and then I look at you on the side. Like at the end of the news when they do that. Yeah, and you sound good. Because I hold up a piece of paper, read all the names, and I put them down, and then I rearrange my papers, and then I look at you on the side. Like at the end of the news when they do the shuffle

and pretend to speak to a sports guy. And then we're fucked after the show. It's a bit like that. Anyway, sorry, continue. On Friday. Yes. A shareholders update. Yes, just a quickie.

Just a quickie. On this feed, you'll get the podcast episode. This Friday we had the shareholder meeting last week, the week before? Week before, I think, yeah. This Friday, shareholders update. Very exciting stuff. Very exciting stuff. Yeah, you're going to come in your pocket when you hear it.

Very exciting. Remember I said we'll know who's mature and who's not? Yeah. I did not pass the test. And that's fine because this is not university. A bit of feedback from last week. Yeah, quite a bit. Remember when we were talking about sex injuries

and that girl cut her lip shaving and it was the lip down? Heidi, yes. And she said to her doctor, I've got a fat lip, and he looked at her face and said, that looks all good actually, babe. I think you're fine. So when we were discussing the sharp razor down there, you blurted out, she shaved her clitoris off. And you said that really loud as a guest. Maddie MacGyver was on the way home from work. She'd had a stressful one. And her like little

treat on a rough day is to go through the McDonald's drive-thru and get a post-mix Coke and some small chips, you know, just a little treat for the drive home. We have spoken about this before. There is nothing better than a post-mix Coke. Yeah. So imagine a post-mix Coke, small fries, just for the car trip home. Oh, just to get, yeah.

Just to get through. And then because then when your partner says, did you get Maccas, you can say, I just got a drink. I got a drink. You don't have to mention the chippies. Well, that's the thing. I love that. When you get a coffee in the morning, I'm going to Maccas just for a coffee.

Just for a coffee, yeah. And a hash brown. Yeah, and a fucking bacon and egg McMuffin. Who's going to know? So she pulls up at the drive-thru and the second she puts her window down, Tony of Felicia Lodge screams, she shaved her clitoris off. That does not sound like me. So I automatically shouted, fuck, and then just drove off in laughter.

And I didn't get my post-mix Coke. Oh, she didn't get her Coke and chippies. Oh, who was that? Maddie MacGyver. Oh, I'll send her, we'll reimburse her for the Coke. She can go next week. Okay, put that down. I'm writing it down.

Last week we said we'd do a poll to decide if, Tony, the two of us would go to Karen's Diner, which is one of those diners where they're mean to you. It's like a bit of a comedy show, but they're mean to you. They're Karen's. It sounds truly awful. Well, the results are in. Do we have to go?

Well, we're about to find out. 26 people voted, let's do Dracula's instead. Ryan feeling a tad uncomfy. You'll love to see it. I do love to see that. 26 votes. Though you did already come in a car this week, so maybe you're uncomfortable.

I didn't come into the car. I carried the cum in the car. The cum was in the car, in your pocket. Yeah. 35 people voted nah. 281 people voted, why is nah an option? Of course you should go. But the winning option called fuck yes.

Tony Lodge, don't you just love to see it? 2,300 votes. So you, my lovely, are off to the Karen's restaurant. Well, I've got 2,300 new enemies. Oh, fuck. I just don't think I can handle it. I think I'll cry at the table. Well, I was also concerned about this.

As were the tapas. They were like, I don't know, is Tony right for this? Yeah, I'm not. Well, I put the call out and I said we need some emotional support for Tony Lodge. Are we taking a puppy? We can take BJ. I don't know if he's allowed.

I'll tell those Karens where the fuck can go. If they talk to my dog, I'll fucking kick them. Yeah, fuck them. I can confirm that the emotional support sisters will be on the way. There's the Reid sisters. Taylor and Ash will be coming down to help you out. We've got friends coming. Yep.

Annabelle Cannon, who is making... Shmanabelle Shmaley Shmanan. She's making a late run as the tarpa of the year. I'm loving seeing her comments. A loose unit. She will be there to support you. Also, do you remember tarpa James McDonald? He's the guy who got really drunk, watched our video...

Bought the mattress. Bought the mattress. He bought the Ecosa mattress. After we did the Ecosa episode. Yeah. He said, I've worked in retail and I know how to deal with snippy bitches. Okay, so we've got some backup.

Well, the way I see it, we've got some defence to support. Yes. And then we've got some offence. So some people are going to be hitting them right back and the others are going to be there for comfort. So I feel like between the team of us, this is going to be next week, by the way, next Thursday night we're all going to go. Oh, what if I'm not free?

This Friday? This Thursday? No, no, Friday. I know you're busy this week. Yeah, I've got Harry Potter. Yeah, so next week. Okay, great. Hey, mate, I spoke to your manager and your finance team.

Oh, thank God. They confirmed that next Thursday we'll be okay. And so we've got James, Annabelle, the Reid sisters, and there's a few other spots as well that I'm just finalising at the moment. Ooh. So keep your eye on that. How nice. Very nice.

Tarp is in the wild. Who pays? Again, I have spoken to your management and your finance team. Great. Okay. So it's me. You've organised for me finance team. Great. Okay. So it's me? You've organised me to pay? Yeah.

Last week we found out that Tony Lodge was friends with Robert Pattinson after we watched and reviewed Twilight, which was a shock to all of us. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty big news. Lark attracts Lark. Very successful celebrities becoming friends is pretty standard. I'm surprised. How many episodes have we done now?

130? Oh, I can actually probably tell you. Hang on. Look, it doesn't matter because we've done more than five. 137. Really? This is 138. Welcome.

How has it taken 138 episodes for you to drop that nugget that you're besties with Robert Pattinson? I don't like to lie. So it turns out that it maybe wasn't. Was it AOL, MSN, MySpace? What was the? So this actually probably makes it worse. So we met on Facebook because the profile was just Robert Pattinson

that I added. Blue tick? There wasn't really blue ticks back then. At least for this guy. Yeah. Well, he didn't have one. And then we talked on MSN because of the time difference and him being busy on set obviously obviously, was overnight for me.

So I didn't sleep for quite a number of weeks because I would stay up all night chatting to my friend Robert Pattinson before he moved to Rollystone to marry me, obviously. But before he got to Perth to marry you, you found out it was a lady named? Rita. How did you find out it was a lady named Rita? So she added me at the same time to, like, keep the story going. Be like, oh, yeah, I'm friends with Robert Pattinson as well,

like with Rob. She's like the fluffer. Yeah. And then, you know, like she would never be online at the same time he would be online type of thing. So, yeah, I mean I should have. I said this last week, it's like I knew the whole time, but I just really wanted it to be true.

Yeah. Katie Baxter. And I know you've replied to some of these comments. You've seen some of them in the group. Tony, you are not alone. Remember Bebo? I was talking to both Joe and Nick Jonas. Yeah, nice. When I was 13 or 14, the internet is the reason I have trust issues.

Nick Jonas. Yeah, nice. When I was 13 or 14, the internet is the reason I have trust issues. Nicola said, I used to think I was best friends with Pete Wentz from Fallout Boy. Oh, fuck. He's so hot. What a fucking babe. He's so great.

He's so great. And I spoke to him on MySpace. Nice. Some throwbacks going on here, isn't there? Oh, fuck. I loved MySpace. It was just some random person, obviously, but I was totally in love with him.

So I feel Tony's pain. Yeah. It's real, mate. You just think, yeah. And like I said, the internet back then, it was different. We didn't know any better. It was like. Catfishing wasn't a term.

It wasn't a thing. And we were a lot more naive about the internet than we are now. Yeah. Like, you never click on a link that you get in a text message. Absolutely not. You know, like, you're on alert for scamming and phishing and shit like that. You weren't then.

You weren't then. Maddie MacGyver, what an episode she's having. Oh, fucking hell, Maddie. I genuinely thought I was friends with Cole Sprouse on Bebo. Rest in peace, our fake friendship. Oh, but it was actually Dylan. They're twins. The shit one, yeah.

Oh, but like how funny would that be? It's not really him. Oh, I would have let down. It's his twin. There are going to be people that really appreciated that joke a lot more than you did and that's what it deserved. It deserves more. Do you want me to have another crack at it?

Yep. Turns out it was his tweet. Fuck me, Dan. Yeah. You're welcome. Rachel. Hi, Rachel. Back in 2000, 2007 and 2008, I thought I was chatting to

and swooning Bam Magera. Magera. Magera on MySpace. Fuck, a lot of hotties coming to play. And I'm very appreciative that the people that listen to this podcast has the same taste in men that I do. I mean. I really appreciate that.

Pete Wentz. Bam Magera. Coles Browns. Bam Magera. The Jonas Brothers. I mean, you can't. There's no losers there. Gang's all there.

Fucking hell. No losers there. Yeah. Courtney. Now this. I don't know how't, there's no losers there. Gang's all there. Fucking hell. No losers there. Yeah. Courtney. Now this, I don't know how I feel about this one. Okay. This was all fun and games until now, including me jizzing in a pocket. But this, I don't know how I feel about this.

Okay. Courtney. I was friends on MySpace with Randy Savage. Who's that? I think he's a wrestler. Actually, Google it because people will be fucked off if I get that wrong. But it feels like macho-esque. Yeah, it does sound like a strong name.

Like a professional wrestler. You're right. Yeah. That feels right. Oh, he's sadly passed away now. Oh, that's a shame. Sorry to hear that. Sorry for your loss.

Courtney says, I knew it wasn't Randy Savage. Yeah. But it was hilarious that lots of people thought he was. He had like 100,000 followers on MySpace, which in MySpace, that's crazy. That's crazy. And it's Randy Savage. It's crazy now. If you had 100,000 followers on Instagram or something now,

you would be like, oh, that person is legit. We'd met online and we actually began dating long distance. We were together. But so she knew it wasn't Randy Savage? Yeah. Okay. But then again, you knew sort of it wasn't Robert Pattinson, right? Yeah, but I wasn't actually dating Rita from America.

Okay. Because he lived a few towns away, so they couldn't, like, meet up in person. But then a few years later, after the long-distance dating. So they'd been dating all that time. I believe so, yeah. I believe so. Yep.

They finally meet up in person. Yeah. The person who was pretending to be Randy Savage. Yeah. But, like, oh, we know it's not, but we're just, like, playing along. They're now married. Ten years later. Is it actually Randy Savage?

No. Oh, I thought you were going to say that all this time. She was like, I know it's not him, but it's okay. But then he rocks up. He's like, hey, Matty. Look, Russell in your bedroom. Naked. She's married the catfisher guy.

Oh, wow. I mean, catfishers need love too, I'm sure. I guess so. I don't know how I feel about that. Well, I'm glad that they found love. The thing that's put me off this week is that I mentioned before I got a bit stinky in my DMs. What happened in the DMs?

I got messages from a few different 15-slash-16-year-olds that said I would never think that I was talking to a celebrity and I wasn't. And I was like, well, I'm not fucking Tony Lodge, so you've been catfished by me. You actually said that? I was just like, fuck you. The internet was different. It was a different time.

We are talking. How old am I? I'm 28. We are talking like 12 years ago. You said last week that all 15-year-olds are idiots and any 15-year-old would fall for it. Was one of the people in your DMs called Jack Turner? Yes.

Because he messaged me and said, I'm 14. Might be one of the youngest tarpers going around. But I'm not a fucking idiot and I would never believe that I was chatting to Robin Pattinson. By the way, I'm 14, might be one of the youngest tarpers going round, but I'm not a fucking idiot and I would never believe that I was chatting to Robert Pattinson. By the way, love the show. His name is Robert Pattinson, not Patterson, even though you keep calling him Robin. What?

You keep saying Robin Patterson. No, I think that's just how I say it. Oh, okay. I've got an Australian accent. So wrong. Wrong, but Pattinson. Are you accusing me of mispronouncing something? that's just how I say it. Oh, okay. I've got an Australian accent. So wrong. Wrong but patterns. Are you accusing me of mispronouncing something? Because you better be really fucking careful with these accusations

you're throwing around. Sorry. I'll fucking jizz on your pocket. I'm on the defence because everybody has been really mean to me about being catfished. Yep. I was emotionally vulnerable, okay? I don't think anybody is thinking about how I feel about this.

Are we not paying enough attention to you? Maybe we should get your own podcast. Maybe I should talk to my friend Rita. She's so kind. Bye. Well, do you feel better that you got that off your chest? Yeah, I do. And I appreciate the people's support who, you know,

fell in love with Bam Margera, et cetera, et cetera. I really appreciate it. I would like to now move to a different crush that I have. One of my very favourite and everybody's very favourite celebrities, Hamish and Andy, obviously. Like, massive across the world. You fucking know who they are. Need no introduction.

On Friday night, Hamish was on his Instagram stories making a cake for his son's birthday. He does this every year, right? He does this every year, like, twice a year for his daughter and for his son. He normally saves it as an Instagram highlight, but basically he gets really drunk and makes a cake for his kid and they're always super intricate and fucking extra. And it's just him getting drunk and decorating a cake.

And it is the best night of the year. Like, it is awesome. And I would like to do an official call out that, like, because I don't want children, but that is, like, the fun stuff that I would like to do. I would like to make the birthday cakes and the Easter hat bonnets and all the craft projects. So I can't wait for you to have kids because it means

that I get to do all the craft stuff. Well, I'd love you to come over and do the craft stuff. As people may remember, when we did the Christmas gingerbread house challenge, one of us was definitely better than the other. And I was not the good one. Yes. It was the other. And it's just the best.

So if you want to have a fucking 20-story frame binge, go and watch one of his highlights because they are so fucking funny. What a legend. I love those as well. Something I love to see. Did you see the brouhaha about Prince Charles last week? Love it when you say brouhaha, but no, I didn't. He was talking about the biggest priority for Britain

should be, for the politicians, should be the cost of living. And he said this while sitting on a literal golden throne in front of a wall covered in gold in a jewel-encrusted shirt and everyone was just like, hey, maybe read the room, bro. Like, you're talking about, oh, it must be tough. It's so hard for all of us while sitting. Like, just read. I mean, make that statement somewhere else.

Literally anywhere else or literally wearing anything else. Yeah, so the queen usually makes whatever. It must have been this annual address or whatever. Normally it's by the queen, but she's not. She's not very well at the moment. Not very well. Yeah. So what they did is they placed her crown kind of next

to Prince Charles, just as like a bit of a tip of the cap to be like... Tip of the crown. Tip of the crown. The Queen is supposed to be here, like an acknowledgement of like this is usually her presence. Her presence kind of thing, yeah. This is one of the great tweets.

Jess Rudd, my life goal is to be able to send my hat to events I don't want to go to. Fuck, it's a power move. Yeah, no, I'd love to be there. Just send my fucking hat down. I am staying in and watching Netflix. Yeah, I want to watch The Crown. Well, people literally were.

Oh, God. Do you want to watch the ground? So do I. Do you know, at the next event that we don't want to go to, I'll send my glasses because that's my thing. I'll just send them down. Yes, the glasses will be in attendance. The glasses require a plus one.

The cleaner will be on the seat next to them. All right, tomorrow, things you can say voting and also in the bedroom. We'll see you tomorrow. Love you. Meow. The cur-meow. Love you, bye. point of sale and you could save up to 20% and improve your bottom line. We're so serious about

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