Toni and Ryan - Sharpiest Tool In The Shed

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Confessions - and a MYSTERY POO. Love you! (If you've got a SPICY confession you need to get off your chest, we wanna hear about it COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY HERE!)Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. We are calling Marcus, who is originally from Melbourne, but he's in Perth. And when you find out what he's doing in Perth, you're going to love him even more. Oh, it'd be early in Perth. Yep. Hey, it's Marcus. Marcus, hello. Oh my God, is it Tony and you?

Yeah, it is. Yes, it is. Oh my God, stop it. Marcus, tell Tony what you're doing in Perth. Tony, I am a third year music theatre student at WAPA. It is. Oh, my God. Stop it. Marcus, tell Tony what you're doing in Perth. Tony, I am a third-year music theatre student at WAPA. Oh, my God. There it is. Has your car been broken into in the car park yet?

It hasn't, but it does have a lot of extra scrapes and scratches that it didn't have when I got here. Yep, that's classy. And my bra is also not attached. Marcus, will you approve today's podcast? I'd love to approve today's podcast. Hi, it's Marcus from Perth and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, someone in my family has been accused of something and you, listening to this podcast, will be the judge and jury.

Oh, my God. What are we talking about today? It's not about me, but a family member. Oh, no. It involves Tony and a family member of hers and something that's happened. What's my mum lied about now? But first, people are submitting their confessions, tonyandryan.com.au. There's a little confessions tab.

You can fill out the form. Completely anonymous. Annoyingly anonymous. Frustratingly anonymous. Put all the info in there because we can't ask follow-up questions because we can't message you back because it's completely anonymous. Yeah. First, though, how good's a toasted sandwich? I'm a big fan of a toasted sandwich,

and I feel like I'm going to regret having admitted that after we get into it. Have you ever not finished a toasted sandwich? Nah, I'm a finisher. I can't think of a time or place where I'd be like a few bites into a toasted sandwich and go, I don't really need any more. Especially toasted cheese. Like there's actually just nothing better than a toasted cheese sandwich. Like whenever I'm sick or feeling not too great,

I'm like that's definitely a go-to for me. I'm also not the chef of my family, so if Torbs is away or working late or something, I'll go, you might do a cheese toasty for me. I'm also not the chef of my family, so if Torbs is away or working late or something, I'll go, you might do a cheese toastie for dinner. Yeah. Anonymous confession. I went round to hook up with a girl I met on Tinder at her place and there was a half-eaten toasted cheese sandwich on her bedside table. Red flag. I wasn't able to get there because all I could think about was who doesn't finish a toasted cheese

sandwich? That's a great question. She had like one or two bites and just like put it down and she knew I was coming around. It wasn't like a last minute decision thing. So she just decided to cook a toasty, have a few bites and just leave it on the bedside table. Also, if you knew that you were going to have someone over, surely you'd go oh, let me get like the empty teacups out of my room. You know, like how you've always got like an empty cup of tea on the side of the bed or-

Tidy up a little bit. Push the tea into the cupboard. Yeah. Or like- That wasn't a euphemism, by the way. An empty water bottle or, you know, you kind of go, oh, let me tidy up a little bit before this person comes into my room. As soon as I walked into her room, I could smell the toasted cheese sandwich.

So, it wasn't like old. It was fresh. Yeah. Because they were room, I could smell the toasted cheese sandwich. So, it wasn't, like, old. It was fresh. Yeah, because I could tell it had been, like, just cooked. It was still oozing out. Like, you know, when you split it. Yeah, I was going to be very careful about what you say. She knew I was coming over. How bizarre.

And so, I'm just there, like, is she aware that she's only had two bites of this toasty? Like, who leaves an uneaten toasty? And our confessor just couldn't. They were just so distracted by this toasted cheese sandwich just sitting there on the side of the table. Well, I don't appreciate the confessor plaguing us now with this moral dilemma. This is going to keep me up at night because I want to know

who this person is and who hurt them. Because why is someone doing that? Do you think they- No, I'm not even joking. Has something gone terribly wrong in their life? Apparently, no pun intended, but this one had been a long time coming. And so, the confessor was, like, pretty disappointed. Like, I was pretty keen to, like, you know.

Rail this bitch. Get into a rhythm and just not be able to, like, perform. I just actually can't. You're just so distracted. I can't get my head in the- I just- What's going on over there? But, yeah, what would-

What would lead someone to do that? Did they run out of time? Could you imagine? Or at least go, oh, sorry, I actually just made myself a sandwich. Did you want one? I mean- I'd respect that. Wouldn't that get you going?

It's like- If I went, look, I'm going to eat half this sandwich, then eat that sandwich, then finish it off. You know what I mean? I think we've talked about this before. Half pussy half. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Maybe a year ago, like a while ago on the pod, but like when you get to that stage of just hooking up with someone where you don't like get dressed up, you actually get dressed down. So, when they just turn up like in their trackies and jammies just ready to be railed. Yeah. You know, you just get to that stage where you go, hey, you're just hanging out, I'm just hanging out.

We know what we're doing. Like we don't need to. Yeah. That's like, is that a cool phase or is that a sloppy? I think so. I think so. Especially when it's a late like like you're on the couch it's 10 30 and i go oh i'm about to go just want to come around you say yeah yeah and you're not gonna lie and put lingerie on be like i was sitting like this sexy the whole time wearing this little black dress no you weren't to be honest i actually am so much more like would be more attracted to someone

in a like schlumpy home outfit can't get me my schlumpy home outfit. So, what I'm getting over the... Because they're comfortable. So, that's why... If you rock up in your trackies there in their trackies and they go, oh, hey, man, I was just having a toasted sandwich. Do you want me to get you on? I'd be like, fuck, I was hard enough already, but now I'm just...

Hey, babe, the George Foreman's already plugged in. Let me do you a toasty, sweetheart, before we get down to business. I'd fucking respect... In fact, I'm going to text Torbs now. Turn on George Foreman grill. Yeah, let me grill some cheese before we get down to business. I'd fucking respect it. In fact, I'm going to text Torbs now. Turn on George Foreman grill. Yeah, let me grill some cheese before you get on your knees. That's what they always say. They actually didn't.

They left and that was it. That sounds like a movie, though, what we described. Yeah. Maybe we're fucked by Hollywood. I'm describing this person as not the sharpiest tool in the shed. Sharpiest. Permanent marker. This confession starts with me sending sexy photos to a boy

and ends with my doctor uncontrollably laughing as I lay on his table. Starts in laughter, ends in tears. I hooked up with a guy and a few days later we were sending sexy messages. Nice. And me, being the tiny twink I was, was taking on the role of submissive. And don't you, like, maybe it's just I've been in a relationship, well, 12, so I've been doing it for 10 years together for nine. That there's the, like, make-out-y stages.

Wait, you remember when you would just make out with people for ages? We've talked about this before. Yeah, gross. Or, like, the sexting kind of stage. I'm not going to sext Torbs because we live together. We're already in the same room. Yeah. So, if we wanted to have sex, we just would.

But, like, those times where it is, like, flirty and sexy, you kind of go, fuck. That's kind of nummies. So, the guy says, why don't you get a sharpie and write cum slush on your stomach? I've been there. I complied, totally forgetting I had a doctor's appointment the following day. What a grown-up who plans a doctor's appointment. I just make them when I need them. Well, as grown-up as you can be whilst writing... Camslut.

...on your stomach. Yeah. For a sexy photo. Also, I just... Is that hot? That's fucking hot, sorry. Oh! Righto!

Don't fucking look at Kev's tummy. I tell you what's tattooed on there. Not just a sharpie. Regardless of the content of what's written, is it something that like, oh, you haven't just like pulled a random photo out of your sexy photos photo? This one's for you.

I've specifically, like you've, yeah. Is that what, or are you just like, you just love a cum slap? No, it's a bit of both because I like that this isn't the right word, but like almost like the servitude of like doing something for you and sending it like. No, see, that's what I do. I hold up the newspaper like the hostage photo at today's date. Hey, it's Marcus from Perth and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapions from the Patreon. That's champion tapas from our Patreon. Tapas, Tony and Ryan podcast. That was a hot- Was that too long? That was quite hot, though. Sorry, it's just been a hot couple of episodes. It actually has been a bit flirty. Like, what's going on with us?

Do we need fucking- Tony? A couple of days alone or something? Yeah. Together. Brooke Page. Love you, Brooke. We're actually the opposite of days alone or something. Yeah. Together. Brooke Page. Love you, Brooke. Thank you.

Actually the opposite of alone, but together. But, like, the two of us could be alone. Together. Gotcha. Brooke Page. Good on you, Brooke. Thank you. Thanks, Brooke.

Megan Johnson. Ina Oden-Osterbo. Love you, Ina. Ina. I don't know. Victoria Farrow. Love you, Ina. Ina? I don't know. Victoria Farrow. Love you, Victoria. Vicky?

Would you go Vic? Vicky? V? VF? Big VF. Diana Cripps. Patrick Cripps. Cripps and the Cradle and the Silver Spoon.

And the- Patrick Cripps. Cripps and the Cradle and the Silver Spoon. When you're coming home, son, I don't know where we'll get together then. Diana Bloods. Obviously. Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon. Absolutely love to see it. There's lots of bonuses over there.

We kind of ad hoc post some good videos, my blog. There was Freaky Friday last Friday the 13th. Yep. You can approve the episodes, all that and more. Who is my best friend? Me. But, like, actually. BJ.

Yes, my dog BJ. Yep. Beautiful Kelpie, fellow adoptee. BJ. Yes, my dog BJ. Yep. Beautiful, kelpy, fellow adoptee. Yeah. So, you guys have got something to talk about because you both don't know who your parents are. We're the boys of the house. We're the rescues of the house. We've got a good camaraderie.

We like hanging out together. He's my best bud. And he's a little sweetheart. Yeah. Like he really is a sweet dog. So, he was in the office yesterday just hanging out. Nice. And after I left the office, Cam is at, he was at the office yesterday.

When I left the office, there was a bit of chat. What kind of chat? And Cam, you were here. Is it true that he was accused of pooing in the office? Jacques. Yes. You pooed in the office? No, BJ did, the dog.

So, Cam, can you, because you were in the office. No, BJ did, the dog. So, Cam, can you... Because you were in the office after I left. What happened? So, one of the boys kicked a soccer ball over into the corner near the drinks fridge. Yeah. And then walked over there and just had to look down and go, oh, my God, who did that?

And then there was discussion over whether it was bronze size or Pippa size. I was going to say... Pippa was in to say, I would hate to bring myself into the line of questioning here. No. However, Pippa was also in the office because she's so beautiful and I love her so much. She's such a little sweetheart, my little baby girl, my little bean.

And she was in the office as well. So I guess I'm asking about girth of the poopy Because is it possible that it was Pippa Because you've seen Pippa's poos You babysat for Pippa So you've seen her poos They're very small like little rabbit Is it fair And I'm not throwing shade at Pippa

Because you know I love Pippa But I'm just floating it Your second best friend obviously is Pippa I'm just floating it That because she's a bit younger Is it like probably more likely that she might sometimes have an inside poo and it

happens from time to time? She's never pooed inside at our house because she knows her thing. But definitely if she was somewhere she wasn't familiar with it would be possible for sure. And she sometimes gets excited and has a little wee sometimes. But she does an excited wee when someone scratches her tummy.

So it's not as if she's like, oh, I have to wee. So it's like you would see it when it happened because it happens in front of someone. She never just like sneaks off to wee. It's not her style. Because Bron has never once pooed inside. And so when. Neither has Pippa. But in a new environment It's absolutely possible

I'm not saying that it wasn't her But Bee just like stayed at friends' houses for the night His house sat We've lived in three houses since we've had Never once So it's like I do I'm not like

Calling anyone a liar I'm just saying it's just so unlikely Is there a photo of the poo? No There is one in my mind though And talk us through the girth a photo of the poo? No, there is one in my mind, though. And talk us through the girth. Talk us through the poo. I'm thinking of a solid, not liquidy.

Okay. Length, close to a full length red Frankfurt. That doesn't sound like a Pippa poo. I don't think, she's not even that long. Is BJ that long? BJ's bigger than Pippa, that's what I'll say. No, that long? BJ's bigger than Pipa. That's what I'll say. No, but that even sounds like too big for maybe there's been a sleeper over the weekend.

Maybe it was a chocolate bar someone dropped behind, left behind. Now, who under the rules of whoever dealt it smelt it. Hang on. I just have one more question regarding the poo, the pooing question, the P-I-Q. You've just talked about the length. I would like to know about the girth, like the diameter, because Pippa's puck of little arsehole is quite, you know. You're happy to use that term when it's in her defence.

The ability. Like the ability for her to do a girthy shit. Actually, it doesn't exist. Because she's got a toy little sphincter. Yeah, the limit of Pippa's shit does exist, you know what I mean? Like, it's actually, it's, and it's always just got, like, a little, like, like a closed little end as well.

Like, it's always, like, a tight little end because, like, as she pinches it off, it's, like, done. Did it have a pinch? Well, the girth wasn't as thick as a red frankfurter, but it was pointed either end and roundly segmented like a couple of anal beads. Oh, because her little pocket little arsehole might have just been coughing as it came out.

I reckon it was Pippa. But, okay, question. Because if it was Pippa, it's actually fine. But, okay, question. Because if it was Pippa, it's actually fine. What I will say, though, is that Dill. Guy who works in the office. Who works in the office with us.

He was the one that, one of the people that saw the poo. Was he the one that found it at first? He was second in line to find him. And so, I would just like to say, Dill also has a Frenchie. Who is angry. Yep. He also has a Frenchie and said, well, it doesn't look like one of Frankie's. And Frankie and Pippa are both French Bulldogs.

And Pippa's smaller than Frankie. And he was like, nah, too big for Frank. So. Is Dill here? Yeah. Bring him in. Should we bring him in for questioning? Yep.

So Dil looks like he's in a meeting out there. Unfortunately, it turns out that the only person that can defend, that can't defend himself isn't available. So it must have been his dog. If it was BJ, it wasn't, it was me. That's sweet. What a good dog. I shat on the floor at work Fucking hell

BJ would never If it was Pippa I'm actually happy to No because as soon as we got home she went out and did a poo To finish the job No look at how small she is She can't fit that much poo in it Like she actually can't

She's so small. And also, BJ was a bit on edge yesterday. He was. And as soon as you heard about the poo, you said, this makes sense. No, I didn't. I take it back. You did. He was a bit antsy. And also, Pippa, when she poos, she howls. No. No, she goes up and finds a spot when she didn't leave my side the whole time

because she's never been here before. Too much going on. She's just a bit nervous, which maybe would lead to a poo. Yeah. I don't think it was Pippa, but I didn't see the poo. And if it was Pippa, then I'm really sorry. Who cleaned the poo? Is it still there?

Dylan picked it up. Which gives in. He goes, oh, who did this? I'll just do it. Just take care of it. It was his dog that shat in the office. Frankie. It must have been.

I felt terrible. Oh, mate. Dogs poo. No, for two reasons. One was like that BJ might have pooed. But this is like maybe a shit thing to say, but I actually cared more. Shit thing to say. I cared more that Bron had been accused of something that he might not have done

and that he would have felt bad. Yeah. But did you tell him? No, but then. No, that's okay. You just don't tell him that he would have felt bad. Yeah. But did you tell him? No, but then. No, that's okay. You just don't tell him. Just hide it from him. Okay.

But then I looked at him. That's what good parents do. They lie. We're on a call. I looked at him. And then you know how, like, it's, like, incepted into your brain. Like, when I looked at him, he looked guilty. But maybe that's just because of what I thought in my mind.

He was a bit antsy. But also, it could have been any of the dogs. And then. It's because I kicked the soccer ball and he thought we were playing and he was a bit antsy, but also he could have been any of the dogs. And then when- It's because I kicked the soccer ball and he thought we were playing and he was a bit, like, ready to go. Oh, and you don't have to, like- It doesn't matter. Dogs are dogs.

Yeah. And if you don't like it, you can fuck the hell off. Thank you. Well, like, it's a dog. It's the same when people are like, oh, kids crying on the plane. Kids cry. Get over it. Fly private if you're not interested.

Fuck off. Yeah. Thank you. Get over it. Fly private if you're not interested. Fuck off. Yeah. Thank you. Preach it. So, with this in mind, should we bring our dogs to the office more often? Would you say it was maybe an unsuccessful venture? I think that there was a certain combination of the dogs that was more positive than others. Yep.

And maybe with that in mind, that would be what I would angle towards in the future. So, are you saying when a third dog and four other people turned up, then it started getting pretty crazy? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Okay. We're in agreeance.

And someone shat, and I don't know who it was. You know who it was? Cam. He's the only one telling the story. Yeah. Yeah. Where were you in the time of question? You didn't normally, you didn't go for your normal morning poopy like you normally do.

And the poop said cum slut written on it. Is that how it works? That's fucking comedy, mate. You know when someone draws on you and you think the baby will come out with the same tattoo? No, I've never heard that. Is that how poops work? Yeah, know look you know how they say that shits look like their owners yeah you know if i had a baby would it come out with little glasses that's sort of what i was getting

a little fringe um i've got to get love to see it, and I want you to tell me if this... Brag about it. Well, is this a flex or a dick move? Flex mode. Okay. So, Steven Spielberg in 2020... Sorry, 2002. Yep. Even though he was already a filmmaker in his own right, went and, like, finished off his, like, old film degree?

Nah, I write that. Yeah. Angus McLaren did the same thing. So obviously you'd be good at some areas, but there'd be like some subjects that you haven't, and you're like, yeah, I just want to really round out my education and maybe learn some things and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. So he gets to one subject away from actually getting the piece of paper and whatever. Yeah. And like most film courses anywhere in the world, your final subjects usually just like make a film, you know? Sure. Yeah. And so. Or it's like the shit elective you never did.

And you go, fuck, I've got to do the history of theatre still. It's like the only shit one that's left. So the only thing that Steven Spielberg had to do was, and it just said, submit a film that you've made. ET, see you later. He sent in Schindler's List. Nice. And now the lifts are named after that and that's how well that film did. Schindler's Lifts Nice. And now the lifts are named after that, and that's how well that film did. Schindler's Lifts. Do you ever get in those lifts and you're like... Are you fucking serious?

You know when you get into a lift and the brand of the lift is Schindler's Lifts? Never heard that in my life. Are you fucking joking me? Every time I get into a lift, it's always that brand. I'm like... I thought you were just doing a bit of gear. No.

No, it's a real thing. She's a comedian. No. I'm just shitting on the floor. Is it a flex or a dick move to submit that? Fuck no. Can you imagine the film actually... RPL.

What does it recognise prior learning? Fucking pop it in. Yeah, that's very... I'm fucking already on IMDB, bro. IMDB. Did I say IMDB or IMDB? IMDB. Yeah.

No, I'm not DB. I am DB Did I say I'm DB Or I'm DB I'm DB Yeah No I'm not DB I am DB Do you think The film teacher Would be Like Or they go Hey if I have to watch

A student film It might as well be One of the greatest She goes I was going to see it At the cinema tonight anyway Free copy Save myself 12 bucks

I have to make my own popcorn though He just He drops the reel On her desk Like It's a big fucking real appeal. You got a projector, sweetheart. Yeah.

But I saw that and just went, yeah, good on you. You've done it. Love to see it. Yeah. And imagine, though, if she marks him down. She goes, not your best. And he goes, the critics loved it. It made this much of the box office.

She goes, yeah, it wasn't really for me. Yeah, probably a B plus. Yeah, I mean. I could see where I was going from. It's passable, I guess, but it really riffs around the hour mark. Probably could have lost that waffle, you know. Like, she gives, like, a really critical review. Storyline a bit depressing.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen those lifts? I mean, you've obviously ripped the name off. Could be some issues there legally with Schindler's Lifts. I like that. Yeah. I would do the same.

If I went and did a podcasting course, I'd be like, hey, this is my final assignment. Like, obviously. This episode? Maybe not this one. Or yesterday's. Would you pass? No fucking way.

She didn't pass that one. She's going to have to do another one of the shit electives. She's got the history of podcasting to do. Really short course. There's an elective in cum sluts, so maybe I'll look at that one. Sexy, horny, erotica, literature. She can do that. My love to see is from Lynn.

She sent this to our Patreon. I read this yesterday and I almost shit myself. It was so funny. Almost shit in the office. It was that funny. You're Lynn to see it. You do Lynn to see it. Lynn's last name is Yang.

Yang Lynn to see it. No, Lynn Yang. She sent this through. Holy fuck, do I have a story for you guys. I'm working as a doctor. And I'm presenting at a conference later this month. ChatJBT jokes. Very busy.

Very important. Yeah. So, I got some jokes from ChatJBT. Yeah. I was preparing my posters for this presentation in the specialty of obstetrics and gynecology, which is like delivering babies, vagina stuff, women's health. Yep. I went to Officeworks to print these posters off, not really thinking about, like, what was on the posters.

She's like, it's so normal for me. I'm obviously talking about giants all day, every day. So, like, to put them on a poster or, like, an anatomy, like, with, you know, the arrows and all the bits. She's like, how normal. To her. Yeah. She goes, it doesn't really cross my mind.

I then give the file To the 15 year old Working at the office Printed an extra large Make sure the colours turned up Sweetheart A0 So you got A4

Which is like a normal piece of paper If you sneeze You fall in it Literally A0 It's the biggest fucking poster She's ever seen And just

Massive Massive vagina on the middle and she goes i just wanted to crawl into a hole and die don't say crawl into a hole yeah because you'll fall right um anyway and she goes i've got my post now so at least it's over but she goes honestly the look on this 15 year old's face like you'll intercede mate that is unbelievable thank you so much for sharing that story that's amazing and also just another faux pas at Officeworks. I feel like so much shit goes down in Officeworks. We've both had dramas at the Officeworks. Bring your Officeworks dramas. That's what I want to see. I'll in to see

that. You'll in to see that. Is it called Kinko's in the US? Maybe like Staples or something? Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. I think I just made up Kinko's. Are you talking about Dunder Mifflin? Yeah, FedEx Kinko's. Yeah, yeah. What's Kinko's? What is it?

The same thing? It's like a printing place. Oh, sure. Quick copy. Quick copy, yeah. Send through your printing gear. Yeah, I reckon that there is just... Not like literally send through an attachment with your printing gear,

like your printing story. Send through what you'd like for us to print for you and we'll bring it to you in the US if we bump into you. Actually, don't. We have to sign that thing for Georgia and I don't know how to do it because I don't know how to use the printer here in the office. Okay, I'll do it. Okay, good.

Thank you so much for listening. And Georgia, if you're listening, I'm fucking on it. Yeah, Georgia, you actually sent an email, I'm pretty sure, that said, yeah, this is all done. Yeah, it's not done. Yeah, because I saw that email and I was like, thank you for dealing with that. I don't know how to print something.

Anyway, off air chat. We've got a business. We've got a business. Yeah, we do have a business. We're not doing a very good job at running it, obviously. Doing pretty well. Doing pretty, pretty well. We're back tomorrow.

And I promise it won't be as horny as the last two episodes. Everyone go, just have some fucking cold water and just chill the fuck out. Maybe just jerk off, get it out of your system. That's the exact opposite, but yeah. Wouldn't you get it out of your system? Don't you? Expel it. All right.

Sorry. Love you. Bye. Bye.