Toni and Ryan - Shitting on Billy Rae Cyrus' chair

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

Delivery drivers and SEXYYYYYY stuff... or maybe not. Fuckin love ya. Toni xoxoxox [USED TO BE VIDEO EPISODE BUT NOT ANYMORE LOL TECHNICAL CHAT]Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is Ryan. Hello, I'm Tony. And we are calling Carly in Virginia, one of the great places in the world. Okay, mate. Home of James Madison University in Virginia Tech, some of the great party schools. Right. All right, here we go. Hello. Carly, it's Tony and Ryan. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Hi. Carly, how surprised could you be you booked this in? Will you approve this podcast, Carly? Oh, my God. Fuck yes. I approve this podcast.

Yay. Hey, it's Carly from Virginia in the United States, and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the video show. Welcome to the video show! Oh my God, it's Friday already. God, doesn't time fly when you're having fun with your best friend? Almost got it.

I've just sent you a photo of a tarpa from their Instagram. Don't say their name. But I can look at it. Yeah. This lady recently. She is a lot prettier than me. That is sad for me. She's gorgeous, isn't she? Yep.

Her and her boyfriend just celebrated. Boyfriend, fuck. Yep. I thought I was in with a chance. They just celebrated their two-year anniversary. Oh, congratulations. But she said, I need to share something with you. Oh.

Can you please not use my real name or even a version close to my real name because whilst Tony and Ryan podcast used to be my safe place, I've now recommended it to so many friends and family. I don't want to out myself for something I did. Oh. See, that's the problem with sharing the love on something that you like, isn't it?

Gatekeep, guys. So what could we call this person? Well. Hannah. Hannah. Great name. Hannah from. Banner.

From Banner. Hannah from Montana. I thought you were going to say from Banff. Banner. Hannah from Banner. Hannah from Montana. They are from. Haniff from Baniff. Haniff from Montana. They are from Scandinavia though. Oh.

Because they're at like a, Scandinavia must have like some really nice little lakes and they have like. Oh, definitely. Like saunas by the river. You know, you jump in the cold water and then you jump into the sauna. Yeah. And so. I love doing that hot, cold thing.

Is that for you? Yeah. I'm into it. When I was, and this sounds like I won't get into it. Back when I was a lot lighter and was an athlete, it wasn't like a thing that you got to do. You had to. It wasn't like a thing that you had to do.

And the cold was pretty cold. It's good for you, but like, yeah. I've recently started, so this is off topic, I've started doing like mainly cold showers. So I enjoy showering cold, but now I'm trying to like not use any warm because, you know, it's supposed to be really good for your skin and good to wake you up and stuff. And apparently it's way better for my psoriasis.

Yeah. So I'm trying to do that. It's a bit tough. Yeah. Like especially at the moment. It's a bit easier, yeah. Well, that's coming up soon. We'll talk about Hannah from Montana.

But first, can we talk about delivery windows? Fucking let it rip, sweetheart. Tell me if I'm wrong. Being able to purchase stuff online and not needing to go to the store is one of the greatest changes in society over the last hundred years. That's the biggest improvement in our lives, right or wrong? It is fantastic. You are correct. But what is the one downside?

The fucking delivery. The fucking delivery. Now. I just feel like now is a good time to like asterisk, I guess, just put a little flag here. We have gone on the record before about talking about Australia Post, how they go, oh, you weren't home. Or they take it to the post office, but they didn't ring the bell.

And like during COVID, everyone's fucking home. And now everyone still works from home because like fuck going into the office. Oh, we came home, you weren't there. So you have to go and pick it up from someplace 15 hours ago. No, actually, legally, I am home. You have to be home at the moment. I am home.

I actually paid an extra fee for you to bring it here. If I wanted to deliver it to some other place, I would have fucking ticked that box. Do you know, I would have just gone to the fucking shop and picked it up. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I wouldn't fuck around with waiting for you, mate.

Anyway, so I just want to say we aren't talking about Australia Post. We are talking about like delivery, like couriers for like furniture or, right? Or like a very specific, like when you pay, you know, $20 for fucking same day delivery on something. That's what we mean. So we've ordered a couch for the new house. Yeah. How exciting.

So you're moving into Beyonce's Airbnb. And can I just say, moving into a house before you have furniture is weird because it's empty. We're like sitting on the floor, mattress on the floor. It's a bit fucking weird. And is it also like kind of takes the shine off it? You like want to be excited about it, but you're like, but right now we can't watch TV because we don't have one

and we don't have any internet. We don't have a couch. So how's the new house? Oh, it's great. I laid on the floorboards last night and watched movies on my phone. You're like a student. Yeah. Are you about to start making furniture out of fucking milk crates?

Don't joke. Sleeping on a pallet. We have considered that. And so they said, oh, we can come on the 29th, 30th or the 1st or whatever. Yeah. And I go, oh, okay. And you go, of this month, they go, no, in two months. Yeah, in two months.

And I go, okay, well, my wife finishes work at 2 o'clock every day, which is actually handy because if you can come later in the day, any day is fine. Yeah, from 2.30 if you could come then. And they go, oh, no, no, what happens is you lock in a day with us now a month out and then the day before we'll text you and send you the four-hour window. So the day before you get a text saying, oh, yeah, 7 to 11 or 2 to 6.

And I'm like, well, if it's in the morning, that day won't work. But if it's in the afternoon, it will. And they're like, well, what day do you want? We'll text you the day before. And locking something in a month out is like a bit of a mare. You know what I mean? Like it's actually not really fair to expect that people can do that, especially for things like deliveries because people have jobs.

Yeah. And so the other day. Your wife can't work from home. No. Like she doesn't have a job. So it's not as if she can go, oh, you know what, I'll just like bring my laptop home that day. Like it's not an option.

She works in a brewery. Maybe she could bring home a few barrels of lager and just sit in the lounge room. G'day, guys. Yeah, she's fucking stamping on grapes in the backyard like I love Lucy. Yeah, so I had to drop something off. I had to pick something up from a friend's house the other day. What was it?

Some of the Frank Green water bottles. Oh, yep. Because Hayden, who took the photos, he had a few spare and we're running low. Yeah, we are running low. Because some have been stolen. We're trying to replace them. And so Hayden, who took the photos, he had a few spare and we're running low. Yeah, we are running low. Because some have been stolen. We're trying to replace them. And so Hayden's away but his roommate's there.

And I was like, hey, I'm doing you a disservice because I have to come over and pick this stuff up. I'm like, you tell me the time that suits you. Oh, yeah. I'm not going to window you, dog. Because imagine if you're like, I will be coming at 10 o'clock and he's like, oh, well. Yeah.

I'm the one being annoying so you tell me the exact time and I'll work around you to make this as easy for you as possible because this ain't your fault. You're just a roommate of a guy. Oh, yeah. It's no one's fault. And he goes, yeah, I'm doing nothing all day, so you just come whenever you want.

Oh, fuck yeah. Well, do you say fuck because sometimes or whenever you want throws you because you need a time sometimes. No, because I like to be able to say whenever you want and then I can go, great, looking at my calendar here. I'll come at 12. Yep. And they go, great.

Okay, I was the same. I was like, okay, great. We'll lock something in. And he goes, yep, doing nothing all day. Just working till 2. This is on a Saturday, by the way. Just working till 2. So I should be home by 5.

So literally anytime you want to come around, I'll be there. A question from Tony. You got your hand raised. That's not free all day. That was my first response as well. Oh, yeah, come around whenever. I'm free after two. That would have been okay.

Yeah, and it would have been fine as well. Yeah, oh, actually, bro, I'm chill as. I'm working till two, but after that, fucking come on down. So I've done that. Like I'm on the phone to him after that, fucking come on down. So I've done that. Like I'm on the phone to him. And you're like, bro. I'm like, there's conflicting messages here. There's a bit of an accent.

And you don't really get stressed. I wasn't stressed. I was just like, you've just told me the two. I'm free whenever. Here are my exact movements when I work. And I was just like, just trying to take in like. Yeah. And you're kind of like, all right, how do I discern what you mean and when I went and I was like just trying to take in like yeah and you're kind of

like all right how do I discern what you mean and when I need to come yeah what okay and so he goes I'm finished I'm not doing nothing all day I'll be at work till two okay so what he's saying is he'll be home from two and he goes yep so anytime after five is fine oh that's the whole day. What's happening from two till five? How far away is work? Oh, the fucking replacement buses. Oh, my God, they're a bloody run. So... But, Hank, what are you...

Does he work in Perth and he's commuting back? Flying home? I actually don't know what he does and I have assumed... And it's a Saturday. It's a Saturday. Maybe he's getting on the bevs after work and he's like... That's commuting back. Flying home. I actually don't know what he does. And I have assumed. And it's a Saturday. It's a Saturday. Maybe he's getting on the bevs after work and he's like. That's what I thought. Especially hospo, you have a knockoff beer and whatever.

Yeah, and you sit there for hours and you talk to your regulars, whatever, yeah. Any time you want, any time of the day. Any time. All day. Yep, freeze a bird. After five, though. So I go, great.

How's 5.30? Yeah. He goes, yeah, that should be sweet. I'm not going out until dinner until later. Okay, so the window of literally 24 hours is now a two-hour window and you've got to get there and get the fuck out because he's going to go out and get ready to go for dinner. So I rock up and he's sitting on the front lawn.

Yeah. And I was like, hey. I mean, he's had nothing to do all day. He's had a day off. What's he going to do with his day off? Sit inside? Get out there, see Australia. That's what I say.

Pull on tires. Where the bloody hell are you? Fucking Tourism Australia campaign right there. You've got all day. You're going to sit outside. Okay, I didn't actually think of the Tourism Australia angle. I assumed it's because he knew I was coming. But now that you've said that.

Oh, sorry. But from his demeanour, I think you're closer to the mark. Right, okay. Because I've rocked up and gone, hey, mate, I'm Ryan. And he goes, g'day, mate, how are you going? Yeah, and you're like, yeah, cool. Yeah, cool. And he's like, oh, you going to come in?

Want a beer? And I was like, oh, yeah, I'll come in, but I'm all good for a beer at the moment. Yeah, I was driving around. Yeah. You were doing stuff and you were like, this is just one of my many errands for the day. Yeah. Yeah. And probably the last one because it was 7 p.m.

Yeah. And so we're kind of shooting the breeze and whatever. Yeah. And, you know, just friendly. Oh, great day to be sitting outside. Tourism Australia. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, well, I had the day off.

I only had to work till 2. Yeah. What did you do between 2 to 5? All the questions, you know, blah, blah. And as the chat went on and I started kind of going, so where's the... Need to get these bottles. It became apparent to me that to him, I wasn't the guy he spoke to on the phone yesterday who was coming around at 5.30 because I parked like down the road

and like walked up. I was just like a nice guy. So he's sitting out there and I've just walked up and gone, G'day, mate. And he's gone, hey, bro, what's going on? Do you want to come in for a beer? Just a friendly guy. And I'm like, oh, I spoke to you on the phone yesterday.

I'm here to pick up. He goes, oh, yeah. Oh, that's you. And I'm in his kitchen. I was like, how did I get this far and you didn't realise that yet? You could have killed him. You could have rolled him for all his shit. And he's making good money from the Tourism Australia campaign.

He's on the books. Yeah, he's doing real well. So I eventually got the stuff and left. What? And just went, well, actually it wasn't that easy because then I said, I'm here for the bottles and our Frank Green bottles. And he was like going through the pantry going, oh, I've got a bottle of this and do you want that?

And I was like, no, not through the pantry going, oh, I've got a bottle of this. And do you want that? And I was like, no. No, I'm actually after the ones with my face on them. Very specific bottles. And then he did. Kind of went. That looks like you, dude. Yeah. His girlfriend got home. She was a tougher.

She didn't have any fucking idea what was going on. Are we sure this guy was only drinking beers? I'm not here to confirm what's not. But his girlfriend gets home and goes. Who the fuck are you doing in my house? And then looks at the drink bottle and then looks at me and then looks at the boyfriend who's like, this guy rocked up.

Did you know anything about these bottles? And she's like, are they his? And she's like. What? So anyway, I tried to do the right thing about delivery windows. Yeah, you made it as narrow as possible. Maybe that's why they don't make them narrow because they go wrong anyway. They've had to drop off stuff to that blockhouse before.

I once was sending a gift, like, interstate and it was like I bought, like, quite a nice bottle of scotch. Ooh, nice. For my brother. Yeah. A little birthday treat, a little scotch. Ooh, nice. For my brother. Yeah. A little birthday treat, a little celebration. It was, yeah. And I rang my sister because I wanted it to be a surprise

but you can't make deliveries a surprise because you kind of like need them to be home. Or when like, oh, did you guys order something from so-and-so? And you're like, no. Yeah. And so it's really awkward and either that or you have to put their phone number on the thing so that like if they can't get in, they can call them or whatever. So I was like, look, I don't want to ruin the surprise for my brother,

but I'll call my sister-in-law. And I'm like, hey, Chels, like are you going to be home this day because I want to organise this delivery to come? And it was like I could pay the $20 for same-day delivery and it was going to be like a courier, not like Australia Post. And she was like, oh, yeah, and I was like I've said that I'll pay a bit more so that the window is smaller. So it's like if you pay $5, the window is four hours,

but if you pay $20, it's an hour. And is it fair to say of all the things you don't want to like leave out the front? A Dan Murphy's fucking box. Any kind of alcohol. Yeah. But saying like an expensive like, an expensive bottle, that'll be... God. Yeah, and I was like,

I can't afford to buy another one. You get one shot kind of thing. One opportunity to seize everything you've ever wanted to capture or just let it slip. Mom's getting it. Yeah, exactly. Right. And so my arms are heavy. Knees weak. So I'm on the phone and I'm like, literally, girlfriend, you need to be home

between 1 and 2 p.m. If you're not home, I will lose myself to the music. She goes. Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry. You won't let it go. Do not miss your chance to vote.

Sorry. And I'm like, you know, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime. And I'm like, all right. No, in all seriousness, like I'm like, the Dan Murphy's, it's eight miles down the road. No. No, okay. So I'm on the phone.

I'm like, girlfriend, 1 till 2 p.m., you've just got to be home. And she goes, yep, fucking no fucking worries. It was a Saturday. She's like, yep, no worries, can do. I'm like, one till two. Like, you have to be home. One till two. They're going to drop this thing off.

And she goes, yeah, all good. And then fucking two hours later, it's fucking one o'clock Perth time, and I get a call from this guy, and he's like, hey, I'm here to drop the thing off. I'm like, oh, my God, if you just ring the doorbell, my sister will come out because she's home. And he goes, yeah, I just rang the bell. No one's here. And I was like yeah, I just rang the bell. No one's here.

And I was like, can I call you back in a second? And he was like, oh, I can't just wait here. And I was like, no, literally, I'll be 30. Just one second. I just need to call my sister. She should be there. How high pitched was your voice when you asked that question? It's getting higher and higher.

Can I ask you about a quick second? Because I wanted to call her and fucking blast her. Because I'm like, girl, like I literally, there was one hour that you had to be home. Anyway, and I call her and I was like, hey, where are you? Like the guy's there. And she's like, I'm just at the shops.

What the fuck? And I was like, oh, well, the guy's there. She's like, oh, yeah, one till two. Yep. And I was like, yeah, the one hour you had to be home today. And the guy came at like, it was like quarter past one. Yeah. So it's not as if she would have sat at home till two and gone,

I've got to go do the shopping. I gave him a chance. He was on the early side of the window, which never happens. And then so because this guy goes, well, I can't drop it off. And I'm like, bro, I've paid you 20 bucks to fucking be there. Like you need to figure it out. But then it's her. Did you zero to $100?

But then it's her fault. Yeah. And you're letting this guy out. It's not his fault. I've let this guy out because I'm like, well, it's an expensive bottle of thing. I want it to get there. It's a birthday present, whatever.

And then I go, I've got to call this guy back and go, it's her. It's her fault. Yeah. And so I then call her back. I'm like, hi, it's Tony Lodge. Yeah, just got the delivery for, yeah, yep, yep, you're still there. Yep, she's not home. Yep, so you'll see a gate around the side if you don't mind just popping it up.

Like the locks on this. And I'm just like, I was so fucking embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you. But because when do delivery windows like go right? Never. She is thinking, my sister-in-law, she's like they're never on time. They're always late. I'll be able to go to Coles and I'll be back in time.

Like he's going to not come until fucking 4pm. But then I realised as well like on the delivery notes I'd written this thing and it was like, hey, please ring the bell. Someone will be home. You know how you can do, like, the delivery. Walk down the path, turn left, push the button. Like, I've given all of these instructions because I'm like, she will be home.

She is expecting this bottle. It's a surprise. Like, here's her Medicare number. Like, I'm trying to give as much fucking information as possible. But then she wasn't home so I looked like an asshole because it was my fault. It was her fault also. But then the other day, and I realise that this is something that I do,

but just the other day you said to me that when I try and be kind to customer service people, I come across as an arsehole. Well, you're... It's fake. It is fake because you're trying from a good place. I'm trying to be so nice. So nice. But you're just trying too hard that it comes across as like,

I wouldn't say aggressive. But a bit condescending. Hey, how's your day? So good. And I'm like. That is what I sound like. All right, here's me going through the drive-thru. And they go, hey, welcome to McDonald's.

Please place your order. I go, hi, how are you going? And then I stop for them to respond. Just tell them what you want to eat. Is that a dog thing to do? Yes. Or should I just go, hey, how are you going? Could I please get the thing?

Should I not pause? Is it the pause? Is the pause the problem? Yeah, because then what are they going to do? They go, good, fucking, and then I have to ask again. I've already asked you what you wanted once. Because they go, welcome to McDonaldald's how can we help you and then i go oh yeah um how you going oh but they've just said what i want i see what you're saying yeah so because i sometimes when

i'm with you yep i think i'm being rude because the juxtaposition see between it because i think i'm doing them a favour. I'm like, they're at work. They don't need to fucking hear about my problems. They've got their own problems. We all got our own problems. So I just go, hey, man, how you doing? Just a soy cap.

You know what I mean? That's not what I do. And even the calmness, they just go, yep. Because they're always on the lookout for the next Karen. Yeah, they are. Okay. And I feel like my job is to go, hey, you might get some shit customers today, but don't worry, I'm not one of them.

You can take a deep breath because you've got a few more. Because you're chill. They go, oh, that guy just wants a sweat cap. Easy ass. Yeah, fucking here's your coffee. He didn't fucking ask me about my life. Here's your coffee. All the way.

Cool, calm, collected. I can go on with my day. Oh, my God. And then Tony rolls in. Okay, what about this? What about this? Hey, how are you going? Can I please grab?

Bring those eyebrows down. Okay. Bring those eyebrows down. Just. Bring those eyebrows down. Okay, just take a deep breath and let all the feeling fall out of your face. Now look at me. Don't let your eyebrows raise above where they are now. Hey, how you going? Hey, how you going?

Hey, how you going? Can I please grab a... Your voice is going up. Your voice is making up for the lowered eyebrows. Hey, how are you? Yeah. No, now I'm just shutting my eyes. That's not helping anyone.

Hey, how are you- She's blind and wearing glasses. Yeah, what's going on? Hey, how are you going? Bring it down. That's just how I talk. Hey, how are you? Can I grab a large double quarter pounder meal, please?

How fucking hard was that? Is that easy? Yeah. Okay, because I've just ordered something and I've done the $20 same day delivery. And I want to find out whether you think that these delivery instructions for this order are over the top. As in? See, you can see here the email that they've sent, which is my information. First of all, it's in all capitals.

Oh, no, I think that's just their font. Oh, I bet it is. Their font. See, everything's in capitals. Order received is in lowercase. Capitals, fucking righto. Okay, no, but that was just a typo, the capitals. The exclamation mark, there's four of them.

Yeah, it's like kind, like, oh, just thank you. Bring it down. Thank you. No, that's not what that is. Okay, you read, take obviously. Bring it down. Thank you. No, that's not what that is. Okay, you read. Take, obviously, the apartment number out. Okay. But you read it how you've said it.

Please, buzz, blah, and we'll come down to retrieve the package. Thank you so much. There's multiple exclamation marks. Please, buzz, blah, and we'll come down to retrieve the package. Thank you so much. Flip it around. Okay. All right.

If it's in all capitals, which it is. I think that's just a font. I think that's just a font. If there's exclamation marks, which there is three in the first sentence, this is how I read that. Buzzblah and we'll come down and get it. Thank you. No.

Thank you. It says thank you so much. Please buzz and we'll come down. Thank you so much. Please, Barzum, we'll come down. Thank you so much. That's nice. Or maybe because it's in capitals. What did you get? Please, Barzum, we'll come down and retrieve the baggage, please.

Retrieve the baggage. We'll come again. Don't you come to us. What was the order? What? What was it? What was the- What is it?

The order that I sent my brother? No, this. Oh. It's just- You don't have to be specific. Just give me a category. It's just a bag. Not of drugs.

A handbag. Because it's not like- If it was food, it would be spat in. Oh, yeah. Oh, what do you think? If it was a flat pack, it wouldn't be put together. If it's a bag, I'd check that. You might be getting Chappelle Corbett.

I didn't order the bag of drugs, but there is one. Yeah, joke's on you. Don't go to the airport. Hey, it's Carly from Virginia in the United States, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Shout out to our champion, Tarpis. I'd love to. Courtney Buxton, thank you so much.

Buxy. Andrew Dennis. Den-o. Den-eat. Den-a-sana. Den-i-sana. No, okay. Den-i-son-du-al-is. Emma Der- You know, like the An-i-son-du-al-is.

Andrew Den-i-son-du-al-is. Are you Den-i-son-ing to yourself? That's really funny. Oh, sorry. Am I doing the voice? Courtney Buxton, Andrew Dennis, Emma Derwent, Colin Clarkson, Mikaela D'Elia, Nicole Jago and Rhys Marion-Williams. Cheers.

I think. So then I sound really apathetic, like I don't give a fuck. Yeah, I was going to say. I don't have a middle. I think that sounded like, yeah, you don't give a fuck. Like I was just trying to get through it. And there was a tinge of like a little bit of Suburban Dad in there. Oh, okay.

All right, what about this? Courtney Buxton, cheers. Andrew Dennis, Emma Derwent, Colin Clarkson, Makala D'Elaia, Nicole Jago and Rhys Marion-Williams. Cheers, guys. Thank you so much. Hope you're loving the Patreon. How was that?

That sounded great. Was that good? That sounded genuine. It was genuine. Hope you're loving it. Oh, my God. I'm an arsehole. You're not an That sounded great. Was that good? That sounded genuine. It was genuine. Hope you're loving it. Oh, my God. I'm an arsehole. You're not an arsehole.

I didn't know. Don't put A's on the end of your word around me, young lady. Fucking see my A, young man. I'll put my C in your A. Country Women's Association, more like. CWA? Have you seen... Oh, no, don't worry.

I can't explain a joke. It'll be like when you did that cathedral thing. You know that thing from The Simpsons, the Tamako episode? No. And it's like... Chucks... No. Chucks. No. Chucks.

I can't remember, but it makes it sound like. It does. Yeah. Okay. Don't worry. Chucks seed and feed, but it's supposed to be like formally Chucks. And it's supposed to be like something fucking suck or something. Anyway. If you heard that story, I'd be surprised be like something fucking suck or something. Anyway. If you heard that story, I'd be surprised because surely that's getting cut out.

Okay. Franco, do not cut that out. Leave it in. Okay. So we've got a message from Hannah from Montana, who's actually from Scandinavia. Sorry. It's actually Sneeds Feed and Seed. And then it says formally chucks.

So that would be like Chucks fucking suck. Back to the date. I like the seven-second version of that song much better than the five-minute version. Okay, I'm sorry. I was trying, okay? You've taken away my enthusiasm. You've got to give quite funny. Yeah, you've taken away my enthusiasm. You've got to give me something. If I'm not allowed to be enthusiastic anymore.

I'm saying you're allowed to be enthusiastic. I'm saying don't pretend to be enthusiastic. Let the enthusiasm drive you. But I am enthusiastic. When I go to the drive-thru, I genuinely want to know how they are. I'm asking because I give a fuck, not because I'm just like, yeah, how are you going? I'll get the double quarter pounder and a fillet of fish.

I do love a fillet of fish. Controversial, but I love it. Do you like a fillet of fish? I like it. The steamed buns, so good. Anyway. What's the sauce? Is it an aioli?

No, it's like tartare. Yeah, it's a – Well, that's like the fish sauce, isn't it? Like the fish dressing. You know what would be good? Well, that's like the fish sauce, isn't it? Like the fish dressing. You know what would be good? Actually, actually would be so good. A fillet of fish, but instead of tartare, you've got Big Mac sauce on it.

That would be dope. Not that I'm saying that wouldn't be dope because it would be, but you love Big Mac sauce and you'd have it on anything. Yeah, I would. I'd fucking put it on my body. Lick it off. We could arrange that. For the right tier on Patreon.

$65,000 a month. All right. Hannah from Montana who's from Scandinavia. Hannah from Montana from Scandinavia. How are you going? And Hannah from Montana from Scandinavia, she's a tarpa. So she shared this directly with us or did you see this online? No, no.

She sent this directly. Wow. Because you know how you shared a couple of like, there's been a few pooping stories. And I feel like everyone's had an embarrassing moment in their life and it's a little bit less embarrassing if we can share and laugh together instead of being that one person who did that one awful thing that one time. It's like when you fall over in public, it's much easier if you can laugh along with friends than be embarrassed by yourself.

Exactly. So this came through as a DM actually. And Hannah from Montana says, please don't use my real name. along with friends than be embarrassed by yourself. Exactly. So this came through as a DM, actually. Ooh. And Hannah from Montana says, please don't use my real name. I've recommended this podcast to so many people, and as you'll find out, I definitely don't want my dad to hear about it. Oh, my God. Okay. Fucking hell.

Check the back door. Don't say that because when you hear this story, that is very. Sorry. A bit too soon. All right. Me and my boyfriend had reached two years together. Congratulations. What a huge milestone. Two years I feel like is a really exciting amount.

Yep. Because it's like, oh, we're doing this. We're doing this. Yeah. And to celebrate, they went on a little vacation and Hannah from Montana's dad has a little fancy little apartment. Billy Ray Cyrus. Billy Ray Cyrus.

He has this fancy little apartment down by the river in like this cool little town. I think he might like Airbnb it out. Well, he would be. It's Billy Ray Cyrus. Yeah, or it's like a weekender. And she said, hey, can I go with my boyfriend for the weekend because it's our two year and we can use the- Liam Hemsworth.

Yeah. Liam Hemsworth. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Liam Hemsworth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. So we're kind of having a bit of a sexy date night.

Oh. There's champagne. And so they're two years. So this is like, that's nice. You're doing something slutty. Yep. The champagne's out. They're having some strawberries.

Oh. There's a few wines. Everything's going to plan so far. And then he's making a dinner, like a really nice pasta, because you know when you're having a wine and a pasta and there's candles lit and stuff like that. And because I'm guessing that Hannah Montana from Scandinavia, it's probably quite cold.

So, like, they're inside, they're rugged up, it's warm. Actually, yes. So it's cold outside, but inside they're like, you know, the fire's going, they've got, you know. And the reason I say it mustn't be that cold is because there's a few Actually, yes. So it's cold outside, but inside they're like, you know, the fire's going, they've got, you know. And the reason I say it mustn't be that cold is because there's a few details coming up. Oh, okay. He reassured me that it wouldn't be too spicy.

The night or the food? The food. Okay, great. Definitely not the night. Oh. Hannah from Montana says, and I quote, my tum-tum does not do spicy. Okay.

Yeah, we love that. At least you're self-aware. Ten minutes into dinner, it was quite spicy. And I felt, and again, direct quote, I felt a little fart trying to break out of the bum-bum prison. And what did I say the other day? Never trust a fart. So I tried to subtly lean to the side.

You know, you've got to like, you know. But you pretend you're just like kind of shifting your weight in your chair or whatever. Yeah. And shat myself at the dinner table. It's not a great place to shit yourself. And the food's still on the table. Because it was a special night, I wasn't wearing any pants.

I was just wearing a thong at the dinner table. So you've got your sluttiest lingerie on. Is lingerie at the dinner table? Like that's a bold choice. Not bold makes it sound condescending. Not bold, but like. It's a choice. It's a choice. Especially with spaghetti it sound condescending. Not bold, but like. It's a choice. It's a choice.

Especially with spaghetti. You suck that up, you're going to get sauce everywhere. Maybe that was the point. Not only did I shat myself. So very skimpy underwear she's wearing. Yep. Well, the underwear's not holding any of it in. No.

And at my dad's fancy place, we're sitting on his new like designer chairs, you know, like a. Well, because Billy Ray Cyrus, he's got the best. Yeah. And so it's a beautiful dining table. At my dad's fancy place, we're sitting on these new designer chairs. Well, because Billy Ray Cyrus has got the best. Yeah, and so it's a beautiful dining table. And you know how a lot of the nice ones, it's a fabric. It's not just like a fold-out wooden thing. It's a fabric. I yelled at my boyfriend and said, close your eyes. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you've got to try and do as much damage control immediately. Close your eyes. And she just ran to the toilet. But there would have been a bit left behind. Because of the clothing choices. Yeah. Like I said, it wasn't. It's not as if she's gone, oh, I've run out now.

Like, continue eating. Like, pretend nothing happened. Like, the evidence would remain at the scene of the crime. You know, it's not as if she's gone, oh, I've run out now, like continue eating, like pretend nothing happened. Like the evidence would remain at the scene of the crime. You know what I'm saying? I hear what you're saying. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Shit herself.

After a few, if you know what I'm saying, poo on the chair. After a few minutes of pure shame. A few minutes. That's not long, Hannah from Montana. Well, she gets to the bathroom, pure shame. A few minutes. That's not long, Hannah from Montana. Well, she gets to the bathroom, pure shame. She cleans herself up. Then she cleans the trail up.

And then she cleans herself up again. Trail. Well, again, the underwear wasn't. Trail of despair. Of course, yep. And then she cleaned that up and then herself again because obviously you get dirty from the cleaning and blah, blah, blah. Yeah.

And then she just looks at her partner. And I guess after two years it's like not six weeks, so you kind of like. It's not a first date. Yeah. Yeah. And she said, can we just for the rest of the night pretend this didn't happen?

I like that. They were like, blip in the road, let's not forget about it, laugh about it tomorrow, but tonight. It's our night. Let's just forget that that happened. Hey, not a lot of people can get past shitting yourself. So. Speaking from experience.

And ours was very early in, so. So we continued our date night. In brackets, I didn't eat any more of the pasta. Good call. Hannah from Montana, yep. And to get out of the house slash scene of the crime, we went to like a fancy bar down the road. Nice.

Like let's change the scenery. Let's go get a cocktail. Yeah, let's go get a cocktail. Maybe leave the door open, air it out a bit. Put Dad's fancy chair on the porch. Hopefully someone steals it. Hey, Hannah. This used to be an eight seat.

There's only seven. Not a raccoon came in and took it. It was crazy. I'm actually just pretty sure it was a seven seater when you bought it. Yeah, I didn't remember seeing an eight-seater. There's only seven. No, Dad, a raccoon came in and took it. It was crazy. I'm actually just pretty sure it was a seven-seater when you bought it. Yeah, I didn't remember seeing an eighth chair. Have you been drinking? Yeah, Dad. How many fingers am I holding up?

Dad, is everything okay? Seven? Seven, yeah. That's how many chairs there were. I remember. We went to a bar. Again, this is a direct quote. Had a blast.

Went on the dance floor partying, and I got home and copped a well-deserved boning and passed the fuck out. Oh, that's lovely, Hannah from Montana. That's love. All in all, a solid 8 out of 10 evening. 8 out of 10? Only two off for the poo. Yeah.

It seems like that margin should be larger, don't you think? Maybe a 7 at the most is probably what I'd go. It would be like me being like, oh, my God, what a great flight, eight out of ten. There was just a little crash. Apart from the crash landing, great flight. Yeah, or apart from the dead body that they had to transport back to Perth with me.

I mean, it was fine. I would have thought if everything else went swimmingly, which apparently it did. It did, yeah. Four out of ten. Yeah, I'm still thinking that it's lower for the shit. I think the shit needs to account for more stuff. So I replied to Hannah from Montana and I was like,

I don't know why this is my first response. I just was like, so what happened to the chair? Yeah, the designer chair. Did you say to Dad that it got stolen? And this is why all the names have been changed because this is the response. Okay. We did our best and Dad is still none the wiser. Very good.

Because it's an Airbnb. He's not like there all the time. Yep. Or maybe not there much at all. And maybe they just blamed it on the next person. Yeah, those other people came in. They must have had a party. Oh, my God.

Did they shit on that chair? That's disgusting. Was the bloke who shat himself wearing a thong? Yeah. Just one clean line down the middle and shit everywhere else. It looks like that person's tum-tum doesn't do too well with spice. They don't like spicy pasta. Someone's had it two years.

Happy anniversary. Oh, my God. That is just, you know, I admire the optimism of it only losing two points for the poo, to be honest. Like that is, for a night to be able to make its way back in that way, I find that quite impressive. I also respect the term copped a well-deserved boning. It wasn't like, and we got home and made love.

It's like, no, I fucking just. I deserved that. I've had a shit night and I just and made love. It's like, no, I fucking just. I deserved that. I've had a shit night and I just need you to fucking get. Oh, don't say shit night. I've had an awful night and I just need. The chair had a shit night, let me tell you. The chair thought the worst thing was going to happen was that she was sitting on it like bare ass pretty much.

Oh, bare ass. This is the worst thing that could possibly happen. Why is she leaning to the. Do you reckon that that's how the towel felt that you shut on? Well, we did an audio queen of you being the towel. Yeah, that was quite good actually. One of my better ones. That's amazing.

Hannah from Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus. Liam Hemsworth. Thank you for sending that story in. That's great. Is it also a cautionary tale about G-strings at the dinner table? I think it has to be. Or maybe even just like having a big meal.

Whilst in lingerie? Yeah, or just like on a date like that. So you know how I've talked about before how- Or a little pasta. It's not like a huge rack of ribs. Yeah, true. But like that if you're going out for a slutty dinner, you have sex beforehand. Yeah. Because when you get home, then dinner, you have sex beforehand. Yeah.

Because when you get home, then you don't have to worry about it. What? What? Have you ever sat on a leather couch with no pants or maybe just a G-string like Hannah from Montana? Yeah, or like shorts or something and you're like stick. Yeah, but is it strangely satisfying when you go to sit up and it's like velcro?

It is good. Why is that strangely satisfying? I don't know. My mum's car, the BMW. You've been in there sans pants. Well, like wearing shorts. Short shorts, yeah. Because fucking Perth is so hot.

Yep. So you jump in the car and the fucking seats would be burning, like burning fucking red hot, and you would literally melt to the chair and then as soon as you got out of home you'd have to fucking peel your body off. Need a chisel. It was awful. That hurt so much. But it is really satisfying.

It's like if you've been sitting on a cane chair. You know when you sit on like a cane outdoor furniture setting and like your knee's resting on it or you're wearing shorts or something and you get up and there's like the crisscrosses from the cane all over your legs? We had at mum's, like when my house when I was little in summer without a shirt sitting back on the cane chair and then sitting up and then it's like a big whip.

You peel off, and then it's like cat-on-arm towels across your back. Speaking of Perth, I've got a You Love To See It. Oh, you love to see it about Perth? Yeah. Tony, you're from Perth? I am from Perth. I've spent a lot of time in Perth, years and years. Years and years.

It was like four years, yeah. That's a fair chunk of time. It's less time than I've been in Melbourne. People who listen to this podcast would say, would know Suburban Dad from Perth. Totally. Would you say, like to keep it simple, it is what it is, easygoing, God's country, laid-back city.

Yeah, and urban sprawl, like it's quite large. So there's a new museum and the museum has said, hey, we don't know what to call the museum. Why don't we put it out to the public? When will they learn? And what is the obvious joke that's like the meme joke of when this happens? Museum McMuseumface. Because we all remember that boat.

Boaty McBoatface. Boaty McBoatface. And then what was the other thing that we, Schoolie McSchool School. Remember we told that story about how the school was renaming and they we, Schoolie McSchool School. Remember we told that story about how the school was renaming and they called it Schoolie McSchool School. Because it was named after someone who had an unsavoury past. Yes. So the people of Perth have got to decide.

Now I'm embarrassed to say that I'm from Perth. You can say that you're from there again if you want. I'm proud of them because they went, hey, Perth Museum. Let's not overcomplicate it. It's Perth. We're a laid-back place. Can you read this headline that's gone global? New museum in Perth named Perth Museum after a public poll.

Fuck, we're boring. Is that not the most Perth thing you've ever heard in your life? The people of Perth have decided that the Perth Museum will be called... The Perth Museum. Da-da-da-da! Like a drumroll, please. Da-da-da-da-da-da! It's the Perth Museum.

Now, would you prefer that over museum face? I don't know. Like, I actually don't know. Because that's obviously awful, but... Yeah, there's something nice about the simplicity, but then there's something a bit fucking lame, as if, like, really? But just, like, the headline as well,

Perth Museum renamed to Perth Museum. Well, this is now this news, which is, like, a big global publisher. So it was funny enough for them to go, like, check out the creatives in Perth. A lot of creative people out there. To be fair, the old museum was called the Perth Museum as well. I think maybe this is the revamped one and they're like,

nah, it ain't broke, don't fix it. Exactly. We call the beach the beach as well. It's a pretty simple place. Why should we call this beach? I reckon you've already nailed it. Beach. Sounds right.

The answer to the question. Yeah, self-explanatory. Don't need any more information than that. What do you love to see? Well. Your hometown of Perth is getting it done. Well, this is different comedy from Victoria, so maybe we'll see which state is more interesting.

Oh, okay. Dan Andrews, who is part of the Labor government. State Premier. He posted, because obviously there's like an election and all that stuff's going on. They're kind of like trying to seem cool and hip. And Dan Andrews, I'm a big fan of Dan. He works the memes, doesn't he?

I'm a fan, Drew. He does a meme. And I saw this and I really liked it. So they've announced that they're making rego, like car registration, free for eligible apprentices. So obviously, because when you're an apprentice, you make fucking negative $2 an hour. You get paid like shit. And you've got to drive around, especially if you're doing like a Sparky apprenticeship or a hairdresser or whatever.

You've got to fucking move around. You've got to be you. You've got to be you. You've got to be you. You've got to be you. You've got to be you. You've got to be you. Absolutely.

And hasn't left it there. He said, that's around 432 meat pies per year. Smoko, sorted. That is genuinely the post from our Premier. We're making rego free for eligible apprentices. That's around 432 meat pies per year. Smoko, sorted. And you know what?

What an Australian fucking thing to post. I love to see that. Get yourself a pie, go and sit out the front of the Perth Museum and just hang the fuck out and don't shit yourself while eating in a thong. The moral of this episode is pretty clear. Pretty clear. Yeah. Well, we hope that you enjoyed this video show.

It was a lot of fun. Yep. We're still on. Can you believe that? They haven't turned us off yet. Still going strong, mate. Still going. Thank you so much.

What are we doing next week? I was going to do a little, like, thing. We will do a French movie. Oh, yes, we will do a French movie. Yes, Paris or France or Italy or something. Also. Hello, Bill Franzo. And not next Monday, the Monday after.

Big announcement for the show. Yes. A few big announcements on the way. Yeah, a few. And I wrote a book as well. You wrote a book? Which you can pre-order now at the links in the show notes. But on Monday the 28th,

we're announcing a big thing that we're doing. And then on the 5th of December, Monday the 5th of December, 2023 line-up announcement. And that's all we'll say so far. Oh, I like it. Well, make sure you stick around if you want December. 2023 line-up announcement. Yep. And that's all we'll say so far. Ooh, I like it. That's all we'll say.

Well, make sure you stick around if you want to. You don't have to. Do whatever you want, mate. That's up to you. But have a great weekend. Fucking love ya. Don't put too much spice in the pasta. Exactly right. Don't shit yourself on a thumb.

Love you. Bye.