Toni and Ryan - Small Town Quiz

Episode Date: February 26, 2023

Cute things in a small town, and my ULTIMATE SACRIFICE!!! Love yaaaa! Toni xoxooxx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to pre-order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. I've just slapped my laptop accidentally and sent Tony for six. That sounds like a euphemism, eh? Yeah, I was just slapping the old laptop. Slapping the old laptop. Yeah, the old lapdog. Nah, I actually did. The old lapdog. It's too early in the morning for that. I went to hit call and I flicked my laptop and Tony shat herself. We are calling Washington. Washington. And we are calling Brie.

Brie. Oh, Camembert wasn't available. Sorry. Say that to her. I bet she's never heard it. Hello? Hello, Brie. It's Tony and Ryan.

Oh, my God. How are you guys? Hi, Brie. Yeah, we're good. How are you? Hi. So, Brie. It's Tony and Ryan. Oh, my God. How are you guys? Hi, Brie. Yeah, we're good. How are you? Hi. So much better now. Good to know we improved someone's day.

Oh, so much. So much. Every day. You guys improve every day. Oh, thank you. And will you approve today's podcast? I would be delighted. Thank you.

Even though you're all the way in Washington, Brie C. I don't think it's that Washington. That was good though. It's not, but... Oh, fuck! It's actually on the opposite side of the country. Is there more than one Washington? There's 15 of everything in America. Yeah, we did not make it easy.

No, we have too many. Hi, it's Brie from Washington State, not Washington, D.C., and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up, Wet for Life, Tony Lodge. Hashtag Wet for Life. It's a movement. Get on board. People are getting on board.

Jump in the water and get on board. But first. Put that on a T-shirt. Have you ever heard like a young child say something so cute you just wanted to cry or hug them or take them home with you? They were just so cute. Yes. Yes.

In my little small town of research on the main street, there's like a strip of 11 shops. And I heard this little girl say the cutest thing I've ever heard. And as someone who's expecting a daughter, I actually. You're clucky. You're ready. My eyes welled up in the research strip of shops, which is a weird place to well up.

But when I heard this, I nearly fucking died. I wanted to just take this girl home and just cuddle her. Okay. Well, you've got one on the way, so you've got your own to cuddle soon. Now, Tony, I'm going to share with you and the tarp is listening what she said, but only if you pass the small town test. Okay.

All right. So you know how every small town has the same set of shops? Yeah. Yep. Research, 11 shops. Okay. If you can name seven of the 11. Yep.

And obviously not like the business name, but just what it is. Yeah, what it is. If you can name seven of the 11, I'll tell you the cutest thing ever. All right. Fish and chip shop. Tick. Hairdresser. I didn't think, I thought that was controversial, but yes.

I'm going to guess either like a dentist or a GP or a podiatrist or something like that. One is doctor slash pharmacist. Yep, nice. Three from three. Maybe a little grocer or a fruit and veg grocer or something. I need you to be more specific. Convenience store.

I'll pay IGA. Okay, thank you. Yep, kind of the same thing. Also, the reason I said to be specific is because you might have had two there. Oh, okay. Fruit and veg, you already said it. Is it fruit and veg? Like a grocer?

Yep. Like a fresh fruit and veg? Post office or news agency? It might be both. It might be a slash. It is a post office and you could probably buy a newspaper from it if you had to. So, hang on, we're six from six. Could she get all 11?

Yeah, I think I can. She's in the zone. Maybe like a Chinese restaurant. No. No, okay. All right, six from seven. Can I keep guessing? Six from seven.

Is another one a restaurant? Is there another restaurant? I'm going to need to be more specific. No, a little Italian place. What would an Italian place serve? A little pizza place. Pizza, yes. Seven from eight.

Maybe a coffee shop, like a little cafe. Cafe, eight from nine. You'll shit yourself. You're in a good area, but you'll shit yourself about these next three. A Mexican place. You told me there's a Mexican place there. No. In Altham there is, not in Research.

Oh, sorry. That's a real wild card for a small town strip to have a Mexican joint. You told me that there was one there. In Altham. Altham's got like 300 shops. I reckon like a salon. You've already said hairdresser. No, but like a nail place or like a massage place or something.

No. No? You've got one guest left and there's three options on the board. You've already passed the test, by the way, but this is good gear. You'll get one of the last three. There's three remaining. It's a bit left of field. It's wrong then.

Oh, okay. These are on the board. You know these. Post office. What was your left of field one? I was going to say maybe like a little boutique. No, no. Small town, baby.

Small town. But they've always got like one shit shop. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's probably in the front of the cafe. Yeah. It's all part of the newsagent.

Yeah. Oh. You shit yourself. These are the newsagent. Yeah. Ooh. You shit yourself. These are the three easiest ones. Butcher. Bang. What were the other two that I was missing? Bakery.

Oh, fuck, of course. And this is a classic. You'll also hate that you missed this. Chicken shop. Chicken shop. Elizabeth's chicken. Hot chooks. Elizabeth's chicken. Is that the place that you said it's called? No, it's just the chicken shop. Chicken shop. Elizabeth Chicken. Elizabeth Chicken.

Is that the place that you said it's called? No, it's just the chicken shop. No, but isn't it called like fucking Elizabeth Chicken or Collard Chicken or... No. What's the chicken shop place called? Oh, there's another one called Sammy's. No, obviously.

Is that on Bolton Street? You said the other day that there was one called like... Oh, Henrietta. Henrietta Chicken. That's in Sydney. That's in Surrey, Horseshoe. Oh, okay.. Henrietta chicken. That's in Sydney. That's in Surrey. Oh, okay. Fuck.

600 Ks, mate. But you've passed the test. That was quite good. That was very good. So you didn't think I was going to get hairdresser? Is that the one that you said you thought was better? I wouldn't have guessed it. Oh, no.

Fish and chip shop, hairdresser. Bang, straight away. Yep. But you've passed that in flying colours. So let me tell you the cutest thing I've ever heard in a small town. Your reward. Yes. So I'm getting bridge and iced coffee.

Yep. In the morning. From the cafe, come bakery, come. It's all there. And the primary school's like 100 metres away. So the stripper shop kind of doubles up as like a place to drop the kids and they'll walk up to school. Yeah, because it's like across the road or something.

Yeah. And so this girl, and I'm really bad with ages, I'm guessing prep grade one, grade two, which is what, five, six, seven years old? That's quite a big gap. Walks into the cafe with confidence. Yeah. And he like looks up to the counter and puts her hands on the counter.

Cute. And goes, I'll have a hot chocolate and my mum will have a coffee because she's a businesswoman. Bless your cotton socks. What a fucking sweet. I'm almost crying now. That is adorable. Because she's a businesswoman. Have you ever heard anything sweeter in your life?

That is fucking cute. Yeah. And I was sitting there because I'd ordered an ice cream and I was like, she's so beautiful. I think the confidence of being like, I'll have this and my mum will have this. Because she's a businesswoman. Because she's a businesswoman. And what do businesswomen have?

Coffee. And it wasn't, you know, a flat white or a latte. One coffee, please. And it wasn't, you know, a flat white or a latte. A coffee. One coffee, please. She's a businesswoman. Imagine, though, the person, I always, like, worry that the person behind the counter is just, like, not fun and they're like, ooh, what kind of coffee? Like, you know what I mean?

Like, because as a kid. Not everyone behind the counter is you. No, I would never. Buy your own bologna, you little kid jerk. You don't know what the chorizo tastes like. Don't ask for a sample for your shit kids. Not everyone's made like you, Tony. No, I would never.

I would never. Are you going to be patient with Daughter McDaughterface? Yes. Don't buy stuff so she loves you more than me. Don't overspend. If you overspend, I'll fucking decorate your courtyard. No, I'll probably. Or do you want me to be the aunt that donates in Daughter McDaughterface's name?

I hate that. Yeah, so you don't want that either. So which one is it? If you're giving someone money, give it to us. What? I'm not giving you money. You're not a fucking charity. I can't fucking deduct that from a tax relief card.

Hey, it's Bree from Washington State, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Once a month, we do a champion tapa only live stream. This month, just gone, we made, what was that called? The Super Bowl. Philly cheesesteak for the Super Bowl. We ate a lot of cheese. A lot of meat, a lot of cheese, a lot of onion.

At fucking about 6.30am. Drank a lot of booze. Which is interesting. Kansas City ice water. Which was lovely. To see, baby. That actually was fucking delicious. But a big thank you to a few of the people that hopefully watched that.

Mira Couchbeck, thank you. Darcy Grant, Charles Patterson, Lainey Dance, Alexander Wojcik-Lang, and Shmorna Schminkler. Shmorna Schminkler. Might be a fake name, I think. So very recently I have been getting into outdoor activities. Would you describe yourself as? I don't want to say the line because I want you to say it.

Outdoorsy? Wet. For life. Fuck yes. So the thing is, is that I began this year buying a stand-up paddleboard. Yep. And then, you know, the conditions haven't been great. And then so I started doing surf lessons.

My boyfriend and I, we started going to urban surf in Melbourne out near the airport. Which is fair to say you're loving it sick. We fucking love it. And you're also in the pool as well. Yeah, and I've been swimming at my local gym. Mate, are you ever on hard ground? Right? Not at the moment.

And I'm loving it. So I started this thing and I said, there is just nothing better than when you get out of the pool, right? There actually isn't. Nothing, like there's just, there's no better feeling. It's almost you can't even describe it. Last week we were together, we went swimming, and after I got out of the pool I messaged my friend Emma,

dot comrade. Dot comrade. Emma, who makes the Broke Generation on Instagram. She posts lots of finance stuff. And I was like, we should get a coffee or go out for a drink or something. And I said to you, I think I'm going to message her. And you said, okay.

And a minute later I was like, I messaged her. Why? Because you just come out of the water and you're wet for life, baby. I was wet and I could do anything. Has she responded? Yes, she's very keen. No, but I'm glad that I messaged her. She's left me on read.

But anyway, so I'm just like trying to find all these fun, active activities. The only thing is, is that it is a bit difficult because when we are at work, basically 90% of the time we're filming stuff. Yeah. And so the hardest thing about being hashtag wet for life, which I'm a huge advocate for, is that my hair looks fucked all the time because I've always just been swimming. How does swimming like like i have no idea because they're all like attractive as fuck when the olympics are swimmers and stuff yeah fucking

hell and because it's not even just like that you can't style it but like it can if you color your hair it can like fuck it up yeah makes your hair really dry chlorine does god's work for cleaning shit but it fucks shit up because it's because it's like bleach, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So it's like obviously. That's why all the swimmers got beautiful blonde hair. Yeah, because it's actually just.

Swimming in bleach three hours a day. Yeah, it's not doing very much good for my skin either, actually. Oh, that sucks. Because you were having a good run with the skin itself. I was having a really good run with my psoriasis, but I'm really. Is it a price well spent, price well, I'd rather be wet for life with psoriasis than dry for life with smooth skin? What am I saying here?

Right. So. Is this a reason why you took, go rid of the blonde hair? Are these connected? It actually was part of it because my hair was so dry when it was blonde because like that's just what happens. It was really hard to kind of look after it. But the thing is, is that when I started talking about being wet for life,

I posted on my Instagram story and was like, I need some guidance. What do swimmers do each day to look after your hair? Basically, the resounding just answer was like, the hair's a sacrifice. If you want the feeling of being hashtag wet for life, you just got to kind of throw caution to the wind and go, this is just part of it. And are you so pumped to be wet for life that you're prepared to cop that or is it tough?

I think that, yeah, would I rather be happy and, like, my hair look sheer or, like, my hair look fine but, like, I haven't been swimming, you know? Yeah. And then, right, G ghd this is not fucking sponsored but this is really cool ghd they just released this thing where you can style your hair and it has like a steamer in it yeah and your hair goes from wet to straight what yep so it like steams up and like smooths your hair down and then it has a straightener in it as well so is this

i think i saw step Clare Smith do it. Steph Clare Smith did post it. The Slytherin. Yes. And you fucking outed her as a Slytherin. I love Steph Clare Smith. And now you're getting fucking. I love Steph Clare Smith and you fucking know that,

so don't try and make me sound bad. And now you're getting hot tips from her. So she posted about this thing and I was like, how good would that be? Yeah. And then I looked and it is $600. What the fuck? It is. How many did and it is $600. What the fuck? It is.

How many did you get for $600? You just get one half. One half of the clamp? Yeah. So you just got to hope for the best. You just wave it underneath. Stand up against the wall. Yeah.

So literally, and I was looking at that and I was like, what a great option. Then I looked at it and went to add to cart and I was like, no, thank you. Put that on the. So I've changed. When you say not sponsored, want to be sponsored. Would love to be, but not going to happen.

So they've released these things. To put on lay by? Yeah. Is there a payment plan? Yeah, maybe. Just 600 easy $1 payments. Yeah. And then I'll get it by fucking in two years time.

Oh, I can't wait to use that in fucking 2031. Anyway. So there's a few different things, but basically it is just like, it's a fucking sacrifice. But sometimes that's what life is. It is. Just a series of sacrifices. Are you saying that this is like not your ideal hair situation? No, this is, I did this last night because we went out for dinner with a friend.

I was going to say, if this is your, like, my hair's bad, I'll be like, babe, let it rain because you look great today. That's really nice. Thank you. What do you like about me today? Obviously your hair. Oh, okay. I like your attitude.

Thank you. I can feel that you've been in water in the last 24 hours. Yeah, because yesterday morning when we had a planning meeting, wasn't I in the best mood because my hair was still wet? That's how recently I had swam. Yeah, I would describe you as damp. I was damp. Wet is the official language of the thing.

Were you moist? I'm not going to. Okay, you are. In my fanny. Anyway, so this all kind of came about because we've been going surfing, Torbs and I, and it's the first time we've ever had an active hobby together and we fucking love it. Anyway, we've been going- An active hobby outside the house. Yeah. Maybe you know what I'm saying? So we have like a Wednesday night surfing lesson

and there's like six other people that we go each week and do it with. And Torbs and I are so into it that we've been going on the weekend and like buying extra sessions to go and practice. Sick. This is how into it we are. And like to be honest, I'm feeling like a real legit athlete because like I'm going to play sport twice a week. I've never done that in my life. Like as a kid, right, I like never went and played netball.

I never did anything like that. That's fake news because someone in Brisbane was in your netball team. Yeah, sorry. Apart from that, apart from that one time. So do you think doing something twice a week makes you an athlete? No, but... Because I don't want to discourage or be pessimistic at all, but that, you've taken some... No, I just, I think that for me, though, to go and do something twice

and not be like, fuck, I have to do this, but being like so pumped about it. I'm just feeling real athletic. Maybe not an athlete, but athletic. Is that okay? You don't have the fucking all-encompassing ownership of athleticism. I mean, my mirror tells me that each morning. I don't need you to remind me.

But, okay, say you're filling up the car with petrol and you're on your way to surf. Do you have this kind of like, not that you're filling up the car with petrol. Yep. And you're on your way to surf. Yep. Do you have this kind of like, not that you're saying it out loud, and I don't mean this in an annoying way, but this sort of air of. My swagger. Do you have swagger? Yes. Because you're like, you know where you're off to.

Yeah, I know where I'm off to. I'm feeling confident and I'm always excited about going. And say if you're on the way home. Yeah. And someone sees you at the lights, are you kind of, you know, your hair's a bit wet and you're kind of just like, it's been surfing. Work your whole life. You know what I mean?

So we've been going for all this extra practice. Torbs and I are both feeling really pumped. And then the other weekend, Torbs sprained his toe really bad. Oh, that looks gross. We went surfing and then his leash got caught around his toe. His board went one way, he went the other, and it kind of just went the other way. And it looked really, really bad.

How do you describe the color? It was like purple and red and blue. Like it was shocking. And it was really puffed up. Yeah. Anyway. It's like he had two big toes. Yeah.

That's how puffed it was. It was not good. And then so that was on the Sunday. And then on the Wednesday, we went to surfing and our surf coach, Paulie, who's a fucking, he's a surf boy. Is he? He's probably around, I'd say he's like early, really early 40s. Does he have shit tats?

I don't think he, well, I mean, he's always wearing a wetsuit. Does he have like scraggy surfer guy hair? He does. Yeah. And he's like super tanned and he's like, well, I mean, he's always wearing a wetsuit. Does he have like scraggy surfer guy hair? He does. Yeah. And he's like super tanned and he's like, oh, you know, like sometimes when I'm surfing in Indonesia, like for a few hours a day and stuff and I'm just like. Does he drop shuckers?

He does do a shuckers when we do well. Yes, yes. Yeah. And so he's really cool. And I obviously want him to like me because. Of course. You know. Because he's a human.

He's very likable and you just kind of want them to fucking vibe you out. Whatever. Anyway. And so when we went surfing on Wednesday, he was like, cool. Is everyone all good? Any injuries I need to know about? Pretty standard.

And Torbs goes, oh, actually, I like hurt my toe on the weekend. And he goes, oh, what happened, bro? And he's like, oh, we actually came surfing and whatever. And he's like, dude. And he's like looking at his toe. And he's like, you know, he's like looking at his toe and he's like, you know, Twibbs is like getting all this attention. You didn't like that.

Well, because he looked like a real athlete because he's had an injury. Because you remember when I had to go to the osteo? From sitting on the couch. Because I was sitting on the couch and my neck got all sore and I was really embarrassed that I wasn't an athlete. And that time you rolled your ankle by falling out of a taxi in Jakarta. Yes. Also not an athlete. Just a fuckhead.

Yeah. And then so like Paulie. You don't like when he's getting attention. Our surf coach is like, bro, like an injury from this, this sport. Like what a sacrifice. You know what I mean? Like, oh my God. How like, just fucking like tobs, tobs, tobs, tobs, tobs.

And I didn't like that. Is there something brave about pushing through the pain? Did Steve respect that? Paulie. Did Paulie respect that? Did Paulie respect, oh, you're pushing through the pain, bro? He's just like, oh, bro, like, oh, that looks gnarly. You know, like, he's just fucking, like, super into it and all I'm thinking is,

I'm sacrificing my hair. Every week I'm coming here and getting all wet. What kind of condition do you use, Steve? Polly? Polly. What kind of shampoo you got over there? Come help a girl out. Yeah, so Torbs is like, you know, probably putting it on a bit thick,

like the limp around. To be fair, there's a fucking lot of mayo going on with Torbs at the moment. He is milking it for all. I actually saw him hitting his toe with a hammer just to make it look worse. Just to make it look worse. Yeah. But all I'm thinking is, so you're getting all of these, all this praise. What about what everyone else is sacrificing?

What about what I'm going through day to day with my dry hair? What day is it? Monday. Yep. On Wednesday night. Yep. I'm going to come down there and I'm going to say. It's my final week this week.

Why is it? Yeah. I'm going to go. Okay, you have to pretend. So I have to try and graduate. Actually, Cam, can you pretend to be Torbs for a second? Hey, Torbs, how's your toe? I don't fucking care, Torbs.

Tony, you're sacrificing your hair, babe, and I really appreciate that. You don't have to make a big deal, guys, about it. No, it is a big deal. You are a beautiful lady, probably saying no to all these modelling contracts all day. You're coming out here surfing, sacrificing your hair, and you are a real athlete because being an athlete is about sacrifice. I wasn't asking for that, but thank you. Torbs, how's the toe? Shut the fuck up, Torbs!

Yeah. No one gives a fuck! Paulie, did you see that my hair's quite dry? Hey, Paulie, want to come back to my place and get wet for life? Yeah, even touch me dry hair, not on me head. Is Paulie single? I don't know. Would he like me?

Would he like you? That's a friend. Like if I came down. No, I don't think he would. I don't think you've got the right surfer energy. You're not chill like a surfer like me? Would he like you? That's not a friend. Like if I came down. No, I don't think he would. I don't think you've got the right surfer energy. You're not chill like a surfer like me. I don't think I've heard more blasphemy or offensive thing come out of your mouth.

I don't think that you have admitted how much chiller I am over the last month since I've started surfing. I don't know. Mate, I'm with you. I'm wet for started surfing. Oh, man. I'm with you. I'm wet for life. I'm seeing it. I'm feeling it. It actually has made a crazy difference on me.

You're a lot more chiller than you used to be, but that was coming from a very high base. Yeah. Is that fair? That's fair. Yeah. And luckily I'm so chill I'm not going to react to that. Until we turn the mic off.

Until. I'm going to fucking explode it. Love you. Bye. I'll see you tomorrow. You fucking say that again, you fucking arsehole. I've got to get a love to see it. And it's actually a wet for life you'll have to see.

Is it? First of all, I'm just loving to see you enjoying wet for life. And so many people are messaging me and going, I never swim and I have been because of you and I fucking love it. It is life changing. It is. It honestly is so good. Hashtag wet for life.

So this one's from Merman Mike. Merman Mike? Who I think you can follow online. I saw he posted this on Reddit, but he's everywhere online. He likes to scuba dive and stuff. Sick. I found an Apple Watch at the bottom of the lake where I go scuba diving. What a find.

They're expensive. Yeah. And so what would you do? By the sound of things, keep it. No, there's normally like an emergency contact, so if it would turn on, I'd probably like double click the thing to return it to its owner. So Merman Mike took it home, charged it, got the power back on

and delivered it to its rightful owner. Yep, that's a good guy move. So you were going to say I'd keep it. You'd keep it, eh? You know I'm not an Apple Watch guy. I'm not saying there isn't stuff I wouldn't keep, but an Apple Watch specifically. I know you're an Apple Watch guy. I'm not saying there isn't stuff I wouldn't keep, but an Apple Watch specifically, I'm not an Apple Watch guy. I know you're an Apple Watch guy.

I'm not a watch guy. I'm lucky I'm not because we tried to fist bump the other day and you punched me in the wrist. And what did I say? You said, luckily neither of us was wearing a watch or we'd be dead. And I piss- We could have died. We were we'd be dead. And I pissed myself. We could have died. We were actually walking through the airport and I snorted through the empty airport.

And then I got a message on Instagram about two hours later and someone said, Oh, I loved your snort through the Melbourne airport. And I was like, Oh my God, you're everywhere. That is so embarrassing. So embarrassing. What do you love to see? My love to see it is a tweet from BigLez67. What up?

And Leslie says, I brought brownies in for all my co-workers. Isn't that such a good guy mood? Wasn't because I was being nice, but because I heard they were doing random drug tests and I didn't want to be the only dirty one. So unless they plan on firing the whole stuff, they better leave me the fuck alone. What are you going to do, fire all of them? Yeah.

What has happened? So, Leslie, even though that is definitely a crime and you've just drugged all your co-workers, glad you still got a job, mate. You sound like a real stand-up guy. Les, that's impressive. Don't let Tony talk shit about you. And I love that.

So there's a picture of the dish and there's like only two brownies left. Fuck. So he's really fucked everyone. How's productivity levels at the workplace that day? Yeah. Imagine you rocking up later in the day, dropping a gag. Everyone just is literally crying on the floor. You've got a fucking good crowd in tonight, folks.

You know what? I'll add that to my top five. Fuck. Put that in me raw comedy. All right. Tomorrow on the show, this is my second attempt at a confession from Poopy McGavin. We tried last week unsuccessfully. Yep.

But tomorrow it's called Am I Worse Than Ryan from Poopy McGavin, which is a fake name, by the way. Hopefully. Because confessions are anonymous. But. See you then. Fuck. Are we ready for this, actually?

It's been a whole week of build-up, so we have to be ready. Okay, let me give you a little bit more. Do you believe in the concept of the AGB? After Grog Bog? Yeah. Yeah. And you know how sometimes you just don't know when, but when it happens.

Oh, yeah. It's like you don't, oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah. Zero, like we say zero to 100? Yeah. Tomorrow on the show. Okay. Maybe it's zero to poo hundred.

That's very good. Thank you. That is very good. Thank you. You have changed. You're a lot more chill and calm. I'm so chill. Shuckers bra.

See you tomorrow. Love you, bye.