Toni and Ryan - Spreading Grandma At The Pub

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Juicy confessions all about... grandma? Love ya! If you've got a SPICY confession you need to get off your chest, we wanna hear about it HERE! Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Plus you can find the links to order Toni's book here! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the podcast. Author, Tony Lodge, captain of the ship, muscles, the butter to the... Who's the butter? You're the butter. Are you sucking up to me now? No, well, I'm... Feels like you're sucking up to me. I'm gassing us both up. Okay. My name is Ryan.

Feel gassed. And Tony grew up in Perth. Yeah. I spent a lot of time in Perth and Bunbury. We are calling the best coast, the West Coast, for an approval. Oh, I agree. It is the best coast.

This is Sarah. It's early there. Hello, it's Sarah. Rise and shine. It's Tony and Ryan. Good meowing. Hi, Sarah. You're in Perth.

I am. Whereabouts? I'm actually in West Perth. I live about like 300 metres from King's Park. Oh, my God. Do you live in my old apartment? I used to live there. Oh, really?

Well, you can't ask the address because you'll obviously, yeah. We can't air that. Yeah. I used to live the entrance to Kings Park, the gym part. If you like go straight across the street, I'm just in the street right there. Yeah, I actually go to the bougie gym. Next gen.

Oh, my God. Yeah, next gen with the rooftop pool and everything. What? A rooftop pool? Yeah, it's real good. I used to walk across it. Yeah, it's like super bougie, especially for me. Like, I'm originally from Geraldton. Whoa, upgrade, baby.

Yeah, woo. Okay, well, bougie stuff aside, do you mind approving our shit podcast? I 100% approve. Hey, it's Sarah from Kings Park in Perth, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Is there anything more annoying for a single person than finding out some hot person was trying to hook up with you and you didn't realise. You got zero game. Okay.

This is not relatable for me. Is that relatable for you? Not really. All those hot boys chasing you and you're like, I had no idea. That never happened. I was the one chasing after the boys. I love you. Did you ever tell us how many people did you drunkenly say I love you to?

Oh, I can't count that high. Really? No way. I love you. You want to come home with me? I love you too oh I can't count that high really no way I love you you want to come home with me I love you or just like there would be my hot friends and their hot friends and I'd be like oh well like your friends kissing my friend and they'd be like oh I'm going home yeah so not with you though yeah so I've got uh zero game um both directions because one time no because like in and out they're like me trying to pick someone up, but also someone trying to pick me up.

The hottest girl ever tried to sleep with me after a music festival when I was single. I was going to say, you're married. Yeah, no. You're beautiful white Bridget. She is pregnant. She is pregnant. And I didn't realize, it wasn't until three days later that someone was like,

oh, didn't bloody she go home with you? I was like, yeah, but, oh, oh, oh. Oh, my God. So, anyway, I'll explain that. And then producer Cam reckons he's got an Alzheimer's as well. Oh, okay. So, welcome to the No Game podcast. Tony, do you have one to add?

No. Oh, I can tell you about how I've got no game. I'll tell you you have one to add? No. Oh, I can tell you about how I've got no game. Yeah, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that. That's coming up. But first, it's Tuesday, which means it's Confessions. These are top confessions. And these aren't just top confessions.

This week is the death confessions. What? All confessions are about death. Oh, crap. So really uplifting. These are death confessions. What? All confessions are about death. Oh, crap. So really uplifting. Really uplifting. These are death type confessions. These are uplifting.

And I will give you permission in advance to you can laugh. So if you have a confession, as juicy or not as you want, as harrowing or as uplifting or whatever. If you killed a guy. Yep, and it's completely anonymous. We don't ask for names, emails, phone numbers. You're not signing up to a mailing list. It's spam free.

It's completely anonymous. If you go to our website, tonyandryan.com.au, you can tell us your confessions. Oh, what have we got? Death. We're calling this one My Girlfriend's Grandma. Is that already freaking you out a little bit? Poor Grandma.

She didn't stand a chance. Here's a confession from a tarpa. My girlfriend's grandma died and it was my job to pick up the ashes from the crematorium. On the way home, I stopped for a quick beer or two at the pub. No. No, that's not a, that's an A to B job. That's not an A, B, C.

Oh, maybe pop to the shops. That's an A to B job. But when someone texts you and goes, oh, we're down here, like do you just want to drop in? Like we're all here. Yeah, say, bro, I'll be there in 40 minutes. I've just got to drop my girlfriend's grandma off. here. Yeah, say, bro, I'll be there in 40 minutes.

I've just got to drop my girlfriend's grandma off. And they go, can't she catch the tram? She can, but someone has to help her off at the other end. Yeah, you've got to tag on and off with this grandma. The thing is that you can't be

taken Asher's places where they're not supposed to be. I could have told you that for free. But if you're travelling a fair distance and the boys are just down the road and they're like, come down. Bro, sit here 40 minutes. Then you've got to come back. That's fine.

They might be gone by then. But, I mean, then you know what you could do, drop grandma off, park your car, get an Uber, and then you can have a couple of bibs. Well, I think this guy was public transporting anyway, hence he didn't have his own ride. Right. Surely you're springing for a taxi in that scenario. You're not picking Grandma up and then actually taking her on the tram.

On the way home, I stopped for a quick beer or two at the pub and accidentally left the ashes on the table at the pub and didn't realise until I was already on the bus on the way home. Phone, keys, wallet, ashes. Every time. How hard is it? Fuck, I'm forgetting something. Oh, grandma.

That's what happened apparently. On the bus. Jump straight off the bus, gets an Uber, goes back to the pub. Oh, now an Uber is my shit. The ashes are gone. Who's taking them? Someone's taking them. But who's taking ashes?

You know, when you get ashes, this might be a little bit grim. But, you know, when you think of ashes being in like a beautiful vase, you actually don't get them in a beautiful vase. They arrived in a box. They come in like a tub. You know when you buy like bulk instant gravy and it comes in like one of those see-through containers with like a screw-off lid? That's what they come in.

Very, very grim. I'll tell you what I'm imagining. It's sitting just beside the unparalleled bars of the gymnastics in the Olympics. Yes. And then, you know, they like chalk up their hands. And you just pop the lid back on like a Tupperware, pop it wherever you want.

So it actually isn't in like this beautiful ornate vase. So someone's just seen the box and gone, you know, there's a couple of empty plates, empty beer drinks, and there's a box. Yep, clear that away. You know, there's a couple of empty plates, empty beer drinks, and there's a box. Yep, clear that away.

Every morning, my girlfriend kisses the box on the mantelpiece and says, I love you, Gran. And I don't have the heart to tell her she's been idolising for years a box filled with almond flour. Love you, Gran. Love you, Gran. Love you, Gran. He didn't think to fill it with granulated sugar. I'm not laughing. Okay.

I'm not laughing. Okay. Wonder how many grams he needed. R.I. needed. RIP. RIP. So even though ashes are incredibly meaningful. Also who gives a fuck? I think it is kind of like.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Yeah, I don't think you need to break your girlfriend's heart in this situation. I think it's not nice and I'm just trying to think if I was in that situation. I don't have the heart to tell her. It's been years. Oh, it's been years. I hope she doesn't listen to the podcast.

I told you to come straight home. I mean, that is what- Babe, it's just a couple with the boys. What's a skewy between lads? I just wonder how many beers it was if he's forgotten the ashes. I'm guessing more than six. One job, you know. Stops in for a beer or two.

Yeah, mate. Righto. What would you want? I'd burn myself and replace the ashes with my own. But like if, say your wife, Bridget, did that to you, like, and misplaced them and then kind of replaced

it to make you feel better, would you want to know? Well, yeah, you can't really make the choice because then you know, hey, but I think just the... No, I'm saying, but like, would you... Sprinkle them somewhere and just let them know that. In fact, I'm going to go out there. Maybe the original ashes weren't the original anyway. They could have just rocked up to the crematorium and the guy goes, they're all the fucking same.

Yeah, g'day, champion. Just shovel up 40 grams of that and put it in the tub. You know what I mean? I mean, they're not all the same. They're not all the same. What, so you open the box and go, oh, no, that looks like Tony. Oh, this one's wearing Birkenstocks. They all just mix them together at the thing.

No, don't say that. That's horrible. I don't think that's true. Have you ever seen like a wood fire pizza maker and in the bottom there's just like the dust? No, but they clean it out after every person's gone in. Yeah, clean it out, pop it in the box. Do you know they could put six in at once?

No, they don't. I have a question. Divide it up by six at the once? No, they don't. I have a question. Divide it up by six at the end? No, they don't do that. Dustpan and broom? They don't do that. It's one at a time and they clean them out. I mean, there's probably a little bit of some other people.

Yeah, a bit of caffeine. I mean, they're not using a Dyson. No. Like, it's not 100%. Well, you can never get all of the stuff out of the fireplace. There's always a bit of dust. Right, a bit of soot or something. Yeah.

My question is, do they burn you in the coffin or do they take you out of the coffin and resell that cheaper? I would have thought they'd burn the coffin, but I never asked either. That's a great question. In the original Ocean's Eleven, not George Clooney, but the original back in the day. Oh, is that not the original one?

No, no, it's like the 70s. Don't do that. Oh, no, what are you talking about? No, I mean, I No, no. It's like the 70s. Don't do that. Oh, no. What are you talking about? No, I mean, like, I didn't know. Like, it's like, oh, you won't believe it. But it was like Frank Sinatra or something like back in the day. Oh, that's cool.

But the, and spoilers, it's been 60 years. They tried to get the money from Vegas back to New York or whatever. So they go, I know what we'll do. We'll put all the money in the bottom of the coffin because the fucking guy dies and then the body's being shipped back to New York and we'll get the money out of the coffin. But then the wife goes, oh, actually, I don't think I want to bury him in New York. I think we'll just get him cremated.

And all the money's in there. Yeah. So they do burn the coffin. And that's how we know. Thanks, Frank. Thanks, Frank. Ocean's Eleven. I don't think you have to tell.

I appreciate the confession. I don't think you have to tell her. I think that she's happy kissing the to tell. I appreciate the confession. I don't think you have to tell her. I think that she's happy kissing the almond flower. Good night. Okay. Let's move on to the old Russian lady. These are death confessions.

Forgive me, Tapa. Well, they didn't sin. They witnessed a sin. Ooh. I used to help out at a nursing home, and this old Russian lady would often tell me how her husband drank and hit her, which is pretty fucked. That is awful. So she's lived a hard life.

And you imagine people who work in those places like that, hear some stories, they're helping people. You would. Hats off to people who do that job. They're so patient. I remember when my nana was in there and, like, you know, could barely talk and being a bit grumpy. They're just like, oh, it's okay, man.

And they're just looking after them. And so she'd often hear this story and she's just had this like, you've had a hard life. At least let's try and make the last few years as comfortable as possible. So they're having, and, you know, as much as the Russians, like they don't mind, like the old Russian lady doesn't mind a vodka, just like, you know, how old are they? I doesn't mind a couple of drinks in the house.

Oh, yeah, it's a little shandy, love. Yeah, put a little gin in there. One day she leans over and goes, yeah, same old story. He was an alcoholic. He was a drunk. But then this day she says something slightly different. Yeah, he was an alcoholic, an arsehole, an abuser. Until that day I pushed him down the stairs when he died.

Then winks at the nurse and then leans back up and just continues with her day. I thought you were going to say she died. I thought you were going to say she was like, and I pushed him. And then she just passed him back into the... Then she pushes the tarpa down the stairs and kills everyone. Oh, my God. And so the tarpa who submitted this, she works at the nursing home and just is like, how do you respond? She goes, yeah, and I pushed him down the stairs and kills everyone on the thing. Oh, my God. And so the tarpa who submitted this, she works at the nursing home and just is like, how do you respond?

She goes, yeah, and I push him to the stairs and he dies. Wink and just like continues. And she's like. Am I now an accessory? I didn't know anything, Your Honour. Yeah, I'm an accessory to murder. That is really, that's insane. Yeah.

And she's just going about her day knowing, knowing that she. That she killed someone. Her husband. I mean. Fucking deserved it. Yeah. I don't feel bad. It's not as if one day, you know, he was loving and one day she just went, you know what?

Not. Not today, bud. You know. Do your own laundry, asshole. Shit. I mean, you can't just kill someone. Apparently you can. Well, you can't.

And then do you cremate the coffin as well? What happened to him? Someone stole him at the pub. I've left my grandma on the tram. My grandma. Hey, it's Sarah from Kings Park in Perth and I 100% approve this podcast. Before Tony reads out the champion tar for shoutouts,

when we just went to the bit of music, Tony just says, do we have too much fun laughing about people dying? And I said, no. Well, I do believe you said this is a comedy podcast. What category is it on Spotify? Not true crime. Can you imagine if we had a true crime podcast? Let's submit this episode as a true crime into an award thing. Okay. Best true crime podcast. Let's submit this episode as a true crime into an award thing.

Okay. Best true crime podcast. Season one, Grandma at the Pub. Tram-ma. Tram-ma. A massive thank you to a few of our champion tapas. Jason Carswell, thank you so much. Sean McDermott, love to see it.

Thank you. The Big Mac. Matt Colkeen, Mary G. Clarkson. Emma Welch. And Jamie Neald. Jamie Neald. Thanks for signing up. Well, Jamie stood up.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Tomorrow. Missed opportunity. That was great. Tomorrow for Patreons, a brand new blog from the desk of Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. Dr.

Author. Marathon runner. Tony Lodge. Swimmer, Tony Lodge. Tomorrow. Author, marathon runner. Tony Lodge. Swim art, Tony Lodge. Tomorrow, 3 o'clock Melbourne time. That's every Wednesday for exclusive and champion tapas. It is. Beautiful.

Thank you. Now, how many times, Tony, did you go to a party single and like smooch a boy or girl for that matter? When you just picked up at a party oh um maybe you're a pat pash rat a pash rat no no one ever wanted to kiss me maybe four times like maybe four or five times like literally i never ever picked up i think i speak for everyone on this pod and not that like, you know, we wish anything ill of Torbs and you or whatever.

Yeah. But like if you were single and just like went out now, you'd be fucking hot property. Oh, yeah. You would have people lining up. Well, I don't know about that, but I'm definitely a lot more confident now than I was when I was nine. Everyone.

That bitch is an author. Let's fucking go give her a smooch. Oh, no, I don't even reckon about that. I just think I've got more game now. That bitch is an author. Let's fucking go give her a smooch. I don't even reckon about that. I just think I've got more game now. You've got Riz. I'm a bit more charismatic, yeah. Yeah, you've got Riz, girl.

When you don't know your own, you have to be hot when you're young because you don't really have a personality yet. But now I've got a personality, and I know you can't fuck a personality, but I think it's a bit better. I actually think you can fuck a personality. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, my personality doesn't have like a tight young puss. but I think it's a bit better. I know. Actually, I think you can fuck a personality. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah. My personality doesn't have like a tight young puss. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry about that. Put you in a box.

You keep that up. Oh, burn bug. Sorry. I reckon obviously there's some beautiful people in this world and obviously there's. And obviously there's some people that are, what did you say, not fucking models. Yeah. We can't all be. Yeah.

Yeah. If only I understood. Wink models are interested in Ryan, actually. That did happen once. When? Do you remember when you got that message from wink models? Oh, yeah. That's so embarrassing.

I reckon after you've seen someone five times you stop noticing just totally how hot they are and it's just about recognizing that's tony yeah that's peter that's cam that's right the only exception i have to that is my best friend lane she's hot every time she's hot every time. She's hot every time. Looks like Plague Lively. Cannot get enough of it. Every time I look at her, I'm like, fuck, still? Yeah, still. Does age not know where you live? It's just rude. You know what I mean?

But a personality, they're boring forever. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Do you reckon that's why Torb's picked me? Because he goes, fuck, you're not great looking, but we'll probably have something to chat about when we're 90. It'll never be quiet at home. Yeah, that's true.

She'll never be not talking to me because she never shuts the fuck up. Yep. And I'll take that. You know what? I've done really well out of this relationship. He cooks and cleans. Where are we going with this? All right.

That I don't have any game. When was someone trying to pick you up and you didn't realise? Please leave a message or a comment in the episode thread on Facebook. So in Bunbury, remember when Groove and the Moo was in Bunbury, that big music festival? Oh, my God, yeah, GTM. Yeah, so where I lived was walking distance from the music festival, like a couple hundred metres away.

So we were having pre-drinks and stuff. And it was a massive festival. 10,000 people? Oh, I wouldn't know the number. Actually, no, I'm not good with numbers. No. But people would like, it would be a big weekend. People would drive down from Perth.

People would drive up from like Albany, Basel. Like all of fucking the southwest of Australia would converge in this one place. You couldn't get a parking spot. Like you couldn't go out for breakfast. It was insane. So about 30 of us all had breakfast together. And, you know, when you're 20 and you're like, oh, I'll have a beer at 10 a.m., go out for breakfast. It was insane. So about 30 of us all had breakfast together. And, you know, when you're 20 and you're like, oh, I'll have a beer at 10 a.m., go on the festival.

Oh, yes. So we all had a big breakfast, line the stomach, a few beers, and we're like, cool, we'll walk down to the festival. Nice. And so this girl was there. She was down from Perth for the weekend and she was a nurse. And she was like, because, you know, when there's 40 people at a house and you're 20, it's like,

oh, everyone here knows someone. I don't know. I think your mate's with him who lives with the other guy. You're connected in some way. Yes, part of the crew. And so was everyone staying at your house? No, no, no. Actually, no, not at all.

But that's just where we started for breakfast because we're like, if you've driven down from Perth the night before, come around, we'll have a big fun. Yeah, nice. So later in the day, as it happens at every music festival, everyone gets split up and you're like, fuck, where are my friends? And you say, we'll meet at the Portaloos, then you go to the Portaloos, no one else is there.

I'm near the blue flag at eight o'clock. It's like when you look to the, go to the middle of the stage and then look left and then you'll see that pole. So when you're in line with the pole, but you can still see the bar, we'll be there. Yeah. Oh, okay, great. And when the sun is at with the pole but you can still see the bar, we'll be there. Yeah. Oh, okay, great. And when the sun is at its highest point because your phone's dead,

you don't know the time, we'll do that. I don't know why it's so funny. I just love that someone goes, what time is it? And they just look straight up and go, it's midday now. About then maybe. So this girl goes, oh, I can't really find my friends and my phone's about to die. And I was like, oh. And you were like, mine died three hours ago.

Yeah, I was like, mine, yeah. I think that was like, oh, can I use yours? I was like, mate, you've come barking up the wrong tree. There's no way. There's no way. And I'd offer you to come to my house, but I lost my keys too. And I was pretty much done for the day. I bet. Yeah. And I was like, well, I'm about to go home.

I'm sorry. I don't have a phone. I'm sorry. I can't help. She's like, oh, could I come to your place and charge my phone? Because you've got to charge it at home. Charge something else. Okay.

Cam has realised this girl is down. Yeah. Tony has realised this girl is down. Ryan, the guy in the story, just went, yeah, I've got a phone charger. Okay, so as a girl with no game, might I add, because this girl doesn't sound like she's got much game either, so we might be coming from the same place. Excuse me.

But she sounds a lot hotter than me. So what I'm thinking is that if I said to you, like, oh, could I come back to you and charge my phone, that would be me making a move. Yeah. I've said it to you before and you go, I don't have a charger. Fuck off. So mind you, the phone's almost flat.

Yeah. Not flat. It's almost flat. The fucking side eye has been thrown around this studio. So we get back to my place and. So she comes with you. Yeah. Because I just live like a couple hundred metres away.

So we walk. And what time do you reckon? Like time or 11 o'clock oh okay yeah it's the end of the night right yeah right and so we walk home we're chatting the whole way blah blah we get to my place and i go oh cool the charge is in the kitchen she's like okay whatever um blah blah where i was like oh oh, another drink? Yeah, sure. Because I'm just trying to be hospitable. She's a girl from out of town. She doesn't know where her friends are. Yeah, and I mean already at this point you know that she's a nurse from Perth.

So you've obviously been chatting. And I think there's something satisfying about, I think we were talking about this the other day, when you get home from the party, you just be able to fall back on the couch and have a beer and just relax. Take your shoes off, take your bra off. Yeah, and I wasn't completely fucked. We just like falling in the door, falling into bed and pass out kind of thing.

Yeah. And then she goes, oh, my friends are still down there partying. My phone's back on. But they said they're going to go, because, you know, like the DJ tent goes all night. Oh, yeah. They're going to keep partying. But I don't know if I can be bothered walking back, especially by myself as a girl. She's really sh shooting it up.

She goes, should I just crash here? And I went, yeah. You go, oh. Well, you're not going to let a girl who's 19. I don't have a spare bed. You're not going to let a girl who's 19 years old just walk by herself down the street. So I was like, mate, absolutely.

We'll get you a place to stay. Here's the options. There's a spare room, but the bed's's not made up but I can figure that out. We're just happy out here having a few beers. We can just crash on the couch, whatever. Or there's my room but, I mean, if that's weird for you, then I don't want to. Because at this age I'm like here's a vulnerable girl who's lost her friends.

You're not trying to take advantage of this girl. I'm so like if you're a girl, you've lost your friends, you're from out of town, like this is a fucking awful scenario. Absolutely. And I was like I understand that's weird. And she's like, oh, making up the bed seems like a hassle and if people come back, I'll sit on the couch. I'll just stay in your room if you don't mind.

I was like, hey, just, yeah, cool. As long as you're like please. Top and tail. I was like just please tell me that that's not weird. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, mate, it's totally fine. And so she gets in and, like, gets changed, but she's got nothing to change into.

So she's just, like, you know, wearing her underwear or whatever. And then I was like, all right, well, let me know if you need anything. And then I was, like, fell asleep and whatever. And then. And she was in your bed? Yeah. With you? Yeah.

Yeah. And two days later someone was like, oh, you went home with Ash. And I was like. bed? Yeah. With you? Yeah. Yeah. And two days later, someone was like, oh, you went home with Ash. And I was like. Oh, you know her name? Okay. We didn't have a name before now. Ash from Perth, if you're listening. Neither did I.

And you're still a nurse. Can you let us know whether you were trying to hook up with her? So one of Ash's friends kind of gives me the, oh, apparently my friend stayed at your place. How did that go? Oh, yeah. And I went. Yeah, it was fun. She's like, she lost her phone or whatever.

And I was just like, oh, like she thought you were really cute. And she stayed the night. So, you know, it was kind of just being like, hey, good on you, bro. Yeah. Like happy for my friends having a good time. And I just went, oh, no, it wasn't like that. And she goes, well, it was for her. She said earlier in the day.

And then I went. Sliding doors moment. Imagine your life could be totally different. I was single. There was no. I was like. I wasn't trying to avoid it. I was just trying to be polite.

Yeah. And it sounds. You're telling this story as though that wasn't even in your mind. It wasn't as if you were like, oh, I'd love to, but oh, I don't want to be weird. Well, that's where I think I don't have the risk. I never assumed some girls like chatting me up because I just, I don't know if it's like a self-confidence, but I was just like,

no, she's like a good looking, she wouldn't, no, she just needs a phone charger. No, see, you were self-rejecting. I didn't even give my sense of the question to reject. I just never assumed. No. And I won't say still to this day because that's a weird thing to say. But I get it.

I do get it. Time's gone by. Yeah. And then Bridget came over the next day and I was like, oh, Bridget, you'll never guess how embarrassing this is. And she goes, yeah, did you still want to get married? Yeah, we did. I wonder what Ash is up to now.

Yeah. Oh, well, Ash probably listens to the podcast. I hope not. It's pretty funny if she does and then she hears that story. Apparently. And she messages and she goes, oh, I wasn't interested in you. No, no, having chatted to the friend, she was like, she felt rejected. Oh.

Like, so she was like, oh, he obviously doesn't like me. Like, oh. And it was, you know, self-doubt on her behalf. Oh. When it was just because you're a moron with a phone charger. Funny that you had a phone charger back then. You don't know where one is now. I used to be a moron with a phone charger and now I'm just a moron.

I mean, you win some, you lose some. Yeah. Cam, I believe you met what I've heard was the hottest guy of all time who may or may not have looked like Aladdin. Yeah, so this bloke was Aladdin with green eyes, which is just my absolute kryptonite. Aladdin's good looking, eh? I actually don't think I've ever seen someone with green eyes in real life.

Really? I don't think so. Really? I don't think so. I don't really take a lot of notice. Anyway, sorry, continue. Do you think Aladdin? Would you rate take a lot of notice. Anyway, sorry. Continue. Would you rate Aladdin though? Oh, totally.

Yeah, that little coat. So let me start off. Coat, coat, best, best, best, best, best. Petty coat. Let me just start off by saying I'm exactly the same as Ryan. No self-confidence. If anyone literally said, hey, Cameron, I want to hook up with you, I just wouldn't pay attention.

You'd go, oh, no, you don't. I don't know what you mean by that. Don't be silly. I'm not your charity. I don't need charity. Yeah. So I was at this festival with my good friend Beck. At Grove and the Moo with your friend Ash, who's a nurse from Perth.

And I said to this guy, can I have your phone charger? And I see this couple of people, and one of them is Aladdin with green eyes, and he's wearing a purple sports jacket. Oh, that sounds cool. So he's with the genie. That's really funny. He's with his best mate who's obviously straight wearing a red jacket. Who's Abu, the little monkey from Aladdin.

Tony arrives on a carpet. Yeah. A whole new world. I lock eyes with purple jacket Aladdin a couple of times throughout the day. We're smiling at each other. Oh, so there's a few like passes. Okay. Strangely, unbeknownst to me how, him and his group just always seem to make it to where

I'm dancing on the dance floor. Oh, this just must be the way the traffic's flowing, et cetera, right? So I'm smiling at him. Et cetera. Turning away, like, you know, doing my dances or whatever. Grinding your ass on his dick. Exactly. My friend Beck wants to go to the bathroom.

So we go to the bathroom. I stand at the entrance to the woman's bathroom. Because you obviously can't go in. Because I can't go in. I'm sitting down looking at my phone. I want to hear a, hello. I look up. There's Red Jacket.

Red Jacket best friend is standing next to me. Also Aladdin's best friend. Yeah, he's saying, hello. I just happened to look over Red Jacket's shoulder. Aladdin is kind of hanging around by himself watching from the background. Red Jacket goes, hey, man, how are you doing? Nice to meet you. I'm like, hi, I'm Cam.

He goes, yeah. You're like, oh, my God, I've seen you so many times today. Yeah. He's like, oh, what are you doing? I'm just having fun. He goes, who are you here with? I say, in my gay little voice, because I don't get the social connection, oh, I'm here with my girlfriend, Beck.

Oh. Oh. Can I put something on the record? I don't like when people refer to someone as a girlfriend or boyfriend when they're just literally a friend that is a girl. See. So when you say, oh, like when the girls are like. I do it too.

But for this reason, because like, oh, I was just hanging out with the girl. And here you are with an unsucked dick. Yeah. See, I feel like if you say, like, I'm here with my girlfriends, that's probably a bit more clear. But that's what I mean. It's like, is that your girlfriend or is that a friend? But, I mean, Aladdin and Abu, they've gone off and gone,

fuck, he doesn't know he's gay. Yeah, this guy hasn't come out yet. Like, he needs to come out. Nonetheless to himself. He needs to talk to his mum. And he needs to talk to his girlfriend. Yeah, poor Beck. She probably knows. Poor Beck. She probably knows.

Poor Beck. So Abu turns around and walks away. As he walks towards Aladdin, he does the hand-neck cut thing. Oh, like no deal. No go. I'm just like, oh, maybe he just didn't like that conversation. I didn't get it. Right?

So anyway. Sweet little town. There's more. There's more. We. You could have been Princess Jasmine. Yeah, exactly. A whole new world.

A whole new world. After a fair few more libations, we're on the dance floor. Here appears Aladdin and Abu again. Oh, my God. Aladdin is smiling at me, obviously, because we're a bit more cheerful and happy. Aladdin, return of Jafar. Exactly. This is where I realised that this time I'm an absolute dickhead.

Aladdin looks at me, dances at me, and does the fishing line move where you do the hook, trying to reel me in. Hang on, hang on. There you go. That's so good. Thanks. Me thinking, what if this person has no interest in me wanting to do the fishing line at me, right?

Damn. Wait for it. I cut the line. I do the snipping motion with my two fingers and I cut the invisible fishing line. Okay, first of all, why would that be? Even if you weren't interested or he wasn't interested, that's just fucking rude, bro. The guy's trying to fish. Even if you weren't interested or he wasn't interested,

that's just fucking rude, bro. The guy's trying to fish. I cut the line in front of my chest to signal, ha-ha, what are you doing? Your line's broken. I mean, apart from the obvious just drama of the evening, who's doing, like, we need to talk about this. Yeah, wow.

You know that it wasn't a real one. Yeah. You could have walked off without sniffing it. He probably was like, God, he's really playing hard to get. So then he turns away and continues dancing with Abu, right? Because you've turned him down twice. Twice. Or three times. Well, your sexuality's turned him down.

Yeah. Your single status has turned him down and your inability to understand fishing. I get a bit more giddy throughout the night and I don't know why. Aladdin's still there, still right next to me. Who would have thought? Yep. I do the fishing line back to him. And he cuts your line.

No, no, no. He goes, we're fucking on here. He's realised he's a bit of a poof, right? Yeah, he's on dancing. I finally reeled one in. He's gay past midnight. Yeah. It's like gay Cinderella.

I'm only gay after my fifth beer. Just as we're about to start moving in close to start dancing, Abu puts the hand on Aladdin's shoulder, pulls him aside, does the neck cut thing and goes, time to go. And they disappear into the night and I have never seen Aladdin since. And it wasn't until about two days later when I was at home by myself, I was like, fuck, that Aladdin guy wanted to root me. Yeah, he did.

And I'm jerking off at home. He was pulling you away because he's like, don't waste your time on that bloke's good girl. Yeah. And that's the face that Abu had on. Oh, my God. Ash from Perth, you're a nurse. If you're listening, let us know.

If you are Aladdin or Abu. Or have ever ridden a magic carpet. Or you did this fishing line thing and someone invisibly cut it. He just doesn't know. Could you let us know? Shall I put the call out? The power of the podcast. How many times have you?

Do you have his name? No, I don't. But if you were at Sugar Mountain 2019 at the Malthouse Theatre where Eris Drew and Okta Okta were performing and you were wearing a purple jacket and you had black hair and you looked a bit like Aladdin and you were with a mate and a girlfriend too, I've loved you ever since I saw you that day. Okay, all right.

How many times did you get a chance? Aladdin, fuck it. Yeah, we'll find that person. We're going to find him. We'll find him. Imagine if we find him and he is dating some girl now. Yeah, or he's that person. We're going to find him. We'll find him. Imagine if we find him and he is dating some girl now. Yeah, or he's really ugly. Nah.

He won't be. Nah, Aladdin is ageless. That was your third wish. Yeah. I will not age. His third wish, fuck no. What did he use the wishes on? Oh, wait, as in what would I?

No, Aladdin. Oh, so one of them is him. He wishes for. I know. He wishes to be a prince. Yep. Number two, he wishes to be rescued from drowning because Genie can't rescue him unless he makes a wish. Yeah. And the third wish is to set Genie free. But the very first wish is that he's in the Cave of Wonders.

And he's like, I bet you can't rescue me out of here. And he goes, yes, I can. And then they have a big argument about how Genie goes, that was a wish. And he goes, no, it wasn't. Like, I just needed you to, like, he's a bit cheeky, Aladdin. Because Aladdin never said, I wish to get out of the cave at one point. But he said, I bet you can't.

And then the Genie and him, they have a bit of a biff-o, but it's good. Oh, it's a good biff. It's good watching. Anyway. I've got to love to see it here. Oh, actually, mine's a bit more hot. Can I go first?

Is yours funny? I hope so. Oh, well, I got a bit more hot. Can I go first? Is yours funny? I hope so. Oh, well, I got this. It's really lovely. This is from Summer Anderson Major in our Facebook group. And Summer says, After coming out of a horrible situation and nearly being homeless, my daughter and I found our true love and family,

and now two years later we just bought our first house. Love it. My new partner didn't have to take on the responsibility of being a stepdad, but he's taken to the role like a champion and he's providing the best life for his girls. Family isn't always blood. And there's a little picture of Summer and her new partner and her daughter in front of their sold sign, and they're living their best life.

Isn't that beautiful? That is beautiful. They've restarted their life together, and you love to say that. You best life. Isn't that beautiful? That is beautiful. They've restarted their life together and you love to see that. You do love to see that. Yeah. That is good. Thanks, Summer, for sharing that. I wish it ended on that.

Oh, okay. Carly, this seems so fucking dumb now. That's so nice. I mean, we just talked about Aladdin for a while. Yeah, true. Carly, I bumped into a mannequin in a store. Yep. And I said, oh, sorry.

Every time. Every time. Me too. Every time. And then I said, oh, sorry, I thought you were a person. And then I realised I was still talking to the mannequin. I do that every time. Every fucking time.

You know the other thing that I do is that whenever I put the ticket in the ticket machine at parking or whatever, I go, oh, thank you. Every time. All right. I'm going to skip ahead because I've got a normal or nah that I've been hanging to do, but I feel like now is the right time for it. Normal or nah, being extra nice to Alexa and all other online gadgets because you're worried that one day they're all going to come alive.

They're going to turn. Yep, every time. I'm always like, hey, Alexa, can you please turn on the lamp, please? I don't think I've ever been like, turn on the lamp. I always ask really politely. I'm like, thanks, Alexa. If you become a human and kill us all, please spare me. Please.

Okay, so we can all agree that. Me every single time. Okay, great. Yeah, I don't think I've ever said please more times than when I'm talking to my Alexa. Which is because you are a people pleaser. I am overly polite. I know you hate it. Poor Alexa.

Yeah. Oh, she's dealing with it. If you went through my Alexa history, it's just me saying please. Oh, please. Oh, please. Sorry. Oh, please. Sorry.

I'll do it. Oh, sorry about my shit car. Alexa, can you search? Oh, actually, don't worry. I'll just Google it myself. Yeah, well, I'll just Google it. Don't worry about it. And then you say Google and you go, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Oh, sorry about my shit car. Alexa, can you search? Actually, don't worry. I'll just Google it myself. Yeah, well, I'll just Google it. Don't worry about it. And then you say Google and you go, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God, you're an Alexa, not a Google. Don't mention my ass. She's going to destroy you when she comes alive. I will chat to you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.