Toni and Ryan - Thanks for coming... On my face

Episode Date: March 6, 2022

An awkward encounter with a neighbour, audio KWEEN and some of your feedback. Love ya! Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hello, is that Michael? Michael? Hey, yes, I'm here. Sorry, couldn't hear you. Oh, Michael, it's Tony and Ryan calling from Australia. We couldn't start the show unless we had someone from Poland give their approval.

So do you approve this episode? Of course, I would like to approve it. Yay! Thank God for that. We were nervous for a second. Hi, this is Michael from Poland and I approve this podcast. I think we should start the show by making an admission. Oh.

I'm never going to Tony's apartment building again. Not by choice. I came round the other day. Yep. As I was leaving, what's the first part of what you said as I was leaving your door? Thanks for coming. And as you said that, I looked over and there was this lovely old lady opening her apartment door.

It must have been a few apartments down. Now say the full sentence of what you said. Thanks for coming on my face. The look on this old lady. And I said it like out into the hallway as well. The whole floor heard it. It was like, oh, thanks for coming on my face. It was like, oh, thanks for coming on my face. And then Ryan like bowled me over getting back into my house

and we just started losing it and Torbs was like, what the fuck's going on? Because he was working from home and yeah. I have never, well, at least for 10 years, moved so fast to get back into the apartment and hide. Because you obviously hadn't seen her there. No, because I was, like, holding the door open on the inside of the house and you were in the hallway.

I'm not easily embarrassed, but when I saw that lady, I'm never coming back to your house. That's exactly what I was about to say. I don't embarrass easily. I really don't, but I felt really bad. Just because it was rude as well. I felt worse for the woman, not, but I felt really bad. Just because it was rude as well. I felt worse for the woman, not like for our embarrassment. Every time a man is visiting, not just you, but anyone on your floor, that lady's going

to see him and go, oh, I wonder if he's over there. Come on her face. And she'd be right. Welcome to the show. Welcome. My name's Ryan. I'm the vice captain of the ship, the butter to Tony Lodge's bread. I'm Tony Sagittarius. Long walks on the beach. And if people don't know this, by trade, you are an audio producer,

sound engineer, if you will. If you want to get fancy. This is a fancy title. Yeah, it is. Do you reckon people who are, I don't want to say real engineers no you can say it i wonder if real engineers who went to university for four years a maths and physics genius a real piss that you oh i'm an audio engineer yeah i build bridges oh yeah but the audio levels well torbs did two uh units of an engineering degree before he studied chemistry and he gets fucked off that I call myself a sound engineer.

So I can't imagine people that actually went to all the classes. Finished it. Far out. Well, anyway, I know you don't have Pro Tools and the production vault in front of you. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't have any of my tools. But you're using just your mouth. You just like to set the scene and show people what it sounds like.

My mouth is me tool. Well, according to the lady down the hall, that's where you do your best work. All right, first story. Turmoil in Italy. Turmoil in a small Italian town after a judge has silenced the church bells. So they've said it's illegal to have the church bells that have been playing for hundreds of years. Oh, that's really sad.

It is. And you know, like those cute little Italian towns really have a cute little vibe about them, don't they? Uh-huh. Like a little village. Yep. The cute little town of Delina has been forced to turn the bells off after neighbouring Slovenia, because it's like a border town, has issued complaints about disturbing the peace.

Wow. So what you're about to hear, you listening to this podcast, is an old feisty Italian nonna who's ringing the bells passive-aggressively, even though she's not allowed to anymore, and whilst under her breath giving the Slovenian neighbours her opinion, a piece of her mind for wanting to close the bells down. Okay. Hang on. I assure them the Mamma Mia spaghetti.

Dong, dong, dong. You will not stop my bells. Dong, dong, dong. We'll have to put that video up because you gave that a great physical performance, not just an audio queen. You're just a queen. You're just a queen. You're just a queen. Ryan, that's very sweet.

K-W-E-E-N. Yes, yeah. Yeah, the Lizzo spelling. Next story. Robots replace servers. The Tin Lizzy Gaming Resort in South Dakota. I know one of your favourite accents to do. Tin Lizzy.

That's funny. Is experiencing staff shortages because of COVID like the rest of the world. People are off sick, can't come in, don't want to contaminate people. Great use of the word contaminate, by the way. Thank you. Using words with more than six letters, not my forte. Yeah, sometimes four. Some would say the English language is not a strength.

So they've hired robots to work as, not waiters, but like they collect the plates, you know, they wipe down the table and stuff. So what you're about to hear, oh, and they talk to you as well. Okay. So this is the robots talking whilst clearing the plates, wiping down some tables. Now apparently there have been some loud wows from very impressed diners,

but the robots do annoy babies because babies don't get it, they don't understand and they get confused and get angry. Okay, all right. Here's what that sounds like at the Tin Lizzy Gaming Resort in South Dakota. Okay, so imagine the utmost of people chatting in a restaurant, whatever. Beep-boop, can I take your plate?

Beep-boop, beep-boop. Beep-boop,ep boop. Beep boop. Do you want some water? Beep boop. Beep boop. Some people are impressed. Oh, wow. Beep boop.

Do you want me to take your plate and bring you some bruschetta? Oh, we're back at the Italian place. You get the my bruschetta. Dong, dong. All right, finally. I don't know why I keep sitting back down. No, stand up. I need full range of motion.

Yeah. I mean, the headline pretty much sums up what's going on here. Oh, okay. Loud sex noises in New York. New York is no stranger to noise complaints. New Yorkers file as many as 75,000 noise complaints a month. A month? Did you know? You know what's the emergency number in the US? 911. Apparently 311 is the noise complaint number. Did you know that?

No, I don't know anything. Well, clearly. Well, I didn't know it either. So I guess that they had to, like, drive traffic away from people calling. 911. To be like, oh, my fucking neighbour's clanging their pots and ringing their bells again. I don't want 75,000 calls a month going to 911 because old mate's got his spotify up too loud now urban

urban dwellers tolerate screeching subways traffic and noisy bars but the late night sounds of coil tool revelry are breaking points in or a breaking point in new york city one old lady from now pay attention here okay one old lady from the bronx said it's hard enough trying to get to sleep with the sounds of cars, the busy screams from bars at the local karaoke place, but when Bronson and Felipe

are going at it next door, it's hardly a soothing sound that'll put you to sleep. Okay. If you're wanting to know what that sounds like... Beep boop boop! It's not a robot this time. No, no, no, no. Beep boop boop. It's not a robot this time. No, no, no, no, no. Beep boop boop.

3-1-1. Oh, gotcha, sorry. Brr, brr. Hi, I'd like to make a noise complaint. Ooh, where is the Bronx located? I don't know. It's in New York City. New York.

I'd like to make a noise complaint. And then the person, oh, yes, ma'am, what would you like to talk about? Well, New York. Well, all day I hear cars, beep, beep, bars. Woo! Let's get another espresso martini. And I hear my neighbours. How many countries has this lady been to in the last 30 seconds?

She's no trouble. And my neighbours having sex. Sorry, I'll remind you it's Bronson and Felipe. Is she the woman that lives down the street from me? Thanks for coming on my face. This lady down the hall, people are coming all over her face. Bronson and Felipe. Yeah, fuck the neighbours.

They're Australian. Fuck the neighbours. Who cares? Oh, God, Fuck the neighbours. Who cares? Oh, God, I'm so glad that we didn't eat too much at dinner. What are you talking about? I don't know. Yeah, me too. Do you want another wine?

No, I want to make you wine. I'm guessing it's quite aggressive. Thank you. Oh, my God. I don't think people know how hard it is to do. It's very difficult. That is very difficult. Well, not anyone can be the audio queen.

And I just can't do the accents. You need to stop asking me to do accents because I just can't do them. You're an engineer. That's the funny part. You're an engineer. You can do anything. Oh, how did I go? I would just like to add.

Yeah. You can do anything. Oh, how did I go? I would just like to add that I don't know if you're a, we shouldn't have eaten so much. Was that your attempt at dirty talk or was that like a logistics chat? That's probably logistics chat. Okay, great. Because I don't think that's a time for. Well, you know, we've talked about this before, how Torbs and I, like if you're going out for sexy dinner,

you either have to have sex before or it's probably not going to happen because you're going out for sexy dinner, you either have to have sex before or it's probably not going to happen. Because you're going to go, you're going to have a bottle of red wine at dinner. Do you bring that up whilst? Well, then afterwards, if we were like, yep, we're on here, then I'd be like, God, I'm glad we didn't eat so much at dinner because this is great.

But we're in a relationship. You probably wouldn't do that if it was a hookup. I wonder if Felipe and Bronson, the two blokes in the Bronx, had similar queries. I guess we'll never know. Felipe, Bronson, if you're listening, let us know. What is the chat? 3-1-1.

Hi, this is Michal from Poland, and you for Toni to catch her breath. I'm just, I get puffed while I'm performing. I mean, we do have very demanding jobs, don't we? Yeah, this is so hard. Everybody that's like actually working a real job right now and listening is like, fuck off. Fuck these guys, yeah. A big thank you to a few of our champion tarpa Patreons

in our Patreon. Patreonion. Patreon and on and on. Patreon Donald McLeod. I was trying to make a pun out of that. It did not work. Jacob Love, you'll love to see it. Ian Farr and Dale Hoops, thank you so much for your contribution.

Patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan if you're interested in having a look. Got some feedback here as we like to go through on a Monday. Yes. Crystal is in Lismore, which is in northern New South Wales in Australia here. Have you seen the footage from Lismore? It is insane. Obviously there's a lot happening in the world at the moment.

So people, this might not have made the news overseas, but half of Australia is underwater at the moment. There's a sign with the McDonald's, the local Macca's, and you can see like the tip of the roof and you're like, oh, what's that? Is that a floating bit of iron? They go, no, that's the top of the roof. It's two metres underwater.

Yeah, there's like a before and after and it's like a two-storey McDonald's sign and then it's all underwater except the top of it. And it just really gives you that perspective of just how much fucking water McDonald's sign and then it's all underwater except the top of it. And it just really gives you that perspective of just how much fucking water there is. Yeah, it's insane. So Crystal Messages sent me a DM on the gram. Hey, Ryan, I'm an OG tarper and I just had something I wanted to share with you.

From Lismore. I was like, why are you messaging us? Yeah, doll. Our town got absolutely smashed by the floods. Fuck, it's so sad. My partner's family has lost three houses and everything in them. Whoa. So I think it's, yeah, partner's brother, mum.

I mean three houses. Thankfully our house wasn't damaged, so now I've got the three houses worth of people and stuff all crammed in with crystal. Oh, my God. So she's got four families and the pets and the dogs. Fuck, if the floods weren't bad enough, living with the in-laws. Way to pile on.

Yeah, and it's weird because, you know, Crystal, like, what do you do? You've got the whole family piled in. She's going crazy. Oh, and you don't even question it. You're just like, yep, everyone's coming over. We're living together and you're making a million bloody kilos of food every night for dinner. Yeah.

Yeah. It's been so shocking to see our town completely submerged. I mean, shocking for us hundreds of kilometres away. I can't imagine what it's like looking out the window. But a shining light during this emotional time is that the family were able to sit around and laugh and smile while listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Oh. Which I don't even know how to feel about that because I've been questioning like, I mean, we're joking before,

but you're like, there's so much going on in the world. There's a lot, yeah. What are we actually doing here? But she goes, thank you so much for a laugh. We haven't had a chance to smile much recently. You'll love to see it. Thank you for taking the time to send that message. Did I say crystal? Crystal. I meant shmishmall. Oh, shmishmall. Thank you for taking the time to send that message. Did I say crystal?

Crystal. I meant shmishmall. Oh, shmishmall. Thank you so much. I actually, you know Celeste Barber? She does the videos of other people doing stuff. And she posted the other day like, oh, I want to post what I would normally post and share laughs

with the world and stuff. But it feels like a weird time. It's like do you post it to take people's mind off it or like is it more polite to not? And it's really nice to hear that we are able to kind of be that break, like circuit breaker for people. Yeah, well, Stefan is from, or Stefan, Stefan, how do you say that? It might be Steven even.

You know how Steven? I'll go with Stefan from Germany. As well as being a tarper, I normally listen to news podcasts and tech podcasts. As you can imagine, the news podcasts are pretty heavy at the moment. And even most of the tech podcasts are about, like, what Apple's doing in Ukraine and Russia and what, you know, like all the tech companies and stuff.

And all the TV stations are looking pretty grim at the moment as well. 100%. If it wasn't for your podcast, I would probably go the whole day without smiling or laughing, says Stefan. So thank you for giving me something to look forward to each day. Oh, Stefan. Well, we are so glad to be that person or that thing for you.

That means a lot to us because we're glad that we could do that. It actually does. And even though, I mean, crisis of faith is an extreme language, but like I said, it sometimes felt silly, us coming here telling dick jokes with everything else going on. But I feel like if it helps Stefan, then the dick jokes will continue. Yeah. Yeah.

Now into an equally important bit of feedback. Jonathan has written in about how to eat an apple. The apple. So is this Jonathan, was that the apple splitter? No, that was Joe. That was Joe. So you let a post into the Tony and Ryan Facebook group last week. No, I didn't let it in.

I posted it. Oh, well, excuse me. Please remind us of the intellectual amazing times that was the apple eating post. Oh, God. Well, Stefan, I hope you fucking like this. Seen it taking your mind off other things. Did you guys see the news today?

What happened? Yeah, the apple. The apple. How do you eat your apples? They're like, oh, yeah, how they're not selling apple in Russia. They're like, no, how you fucking eat one. I posted this tweet that I saw about like the correct order to eat an apple in.

I put it into our Facebook group and said, please discuss. Let me know how you eat an apple, if this is correct for you or not. People lost their minds. And we ended on trying to split apples open, you and I. Yeah, because this guy had a theory of splitting. It doesn't work. He was like, oh, it's so easy to split an apple open. Well, it's not.

It's fucking not. Jonathan has sent something through, which I'm team Jonathan here. Oh, okay. I went to primary school with a kid who used to eat the entire apple. Skin, core, whatever. He just ate it like a hamburger. Started at one side and went straight through the core in the middle and came back out the other.

Not even the sticker or the stick through the middle was left. What? I shouldn't laugh. Later in life, I've learned that he's now in prison for armed robbery and assault and I can't feel like the way he ate his apple gave some clues to society years beforehand. I feel like there's correlation there. 100%. I'm not saying that it's 100% together. I'm just saying it's 100% not not together. You know what I'm saying?

That's definitely your case there. Ashley McLeod. Sorry, I'm just imagining a lawyer talking to a jury. Your Honour, look at how he eats an apple. Does this look like a man who's not holding up a servo? The other lawyer is just like, think about your families. Would they eat an apple like this? Like it's just like super moving like at the end of How to Get Away

with Murder kind of TV show is like going on and she's just like, is this really what we want in our society? If a guy's eating the core, put him away as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, that's what I reckon as well. Ashley McLeod. Hi, Ash. My husband joined as a champion tarper on Patreon. Oh, yeah?

And he didn't tell me about it. Oh. So we listened to the podcast. Join finances, obviously not. Obviously not. Separate account. They listened to the podcast together. They must drive to work together or go to the gym together or whatever.

Oh, that is sweet. So they listened to the podcast together in the car. Yeah. Just imagine, use your imagination here, at the face he's pulled. Could you imagine how surprised I was when we're in the car together and hear my husband's name read out as a champion tarpa? So I slowly looked across at him and he was just like on his high horse with his eyebrows raised like,

look who's done something clever behind the scenes. And he's, actually, I've never seen my husband look so smug and impressed with himself as he fluttered his eyebrows at me. Do you know why I like that story? Why? There's not two people taking the piss. What do you mean?

Well, he's done it because he's doing it. He's paying for it. If she wants to be a champion tapper, fucking go right ahead, Ash. Unlike Mike and Ross last week. Yeah, we've got to talk about them actually. Off the air. We'll have to give them a call and make sure everything's okay. One of last week's episodes was titled Harrowing Haircuts.

It didn't even happen to me and I've got fucking PTSD. Go and listen to that episode if you like. I asked if anyone else has had a harrowing haircut. Yeah. I don't think anyone could beat that. Basically this girl was on a date and the guy like got a snippet of her hair during her sleep. While she was asleep.

After she said no. After she said no. That's pretty fucked up. Deesha, my first day of high school was approaching. The nerves on your first day of high school. I want to look cool. I don't want the other kids to tease me, blah, blah, blah. So she made a pretty big call.

She had really long hair down to her waist and she decided that she wanted to have a bob cut at the front and have the really long hair as well. Yep. My mum sent me to the local salon. Oh, thanks, mum. Salon, saloon, salon. Saloon is like Midwest fucking bar, isn't it?

Like a saloon, like for cowboys? That's where I get my haircut. The local salon. Saloon? I often get salon and saloon mixed up. I can tell. Who would be surprised? Yeah.

What did you say before? You were like, I'm so placid. I was like, are you calm? You're like, no, like when your dick's soft you were like i'm so placid i was like you come you're like no like when you dick soft and i was like flaccid there's a lot of context there's a lot of context required for that story i didn't even put two and two together on how bad that was you know move on no context required i went to nothing. No. You get nothing. I'm pleased that we give context because it's so not as bad as what it sounds like. It is as bad as that and we're going to move on.

What happened at the saloon? I made a joke about drugs that are the opposite of Viagra. Yeah. And then Ryan said that they made him placid. What was I trying to say? Placid. But what did I say? Flaccid. But what did I say? Placid.

They're fucking similar. Oh, not in meaning though. No. No. But in sense. Okay, the saloon. I ended up leaving the saloon looking like Lord Farquaad for the first day of school.

And everyone started calling me Lord Farquaad. And you know that kids in high school are nickname sticks. Fucking ruthless, yeah. Ruthless, punishing. Yeah. Harrowing. Harrowing. Good on you, Deesha.

Or Lord Farquaad. That actually happened to me as well. You're Lord Farquaad. Yes. What happened? The week before I started high school, like at a new school, I had really long hair and my mum was like, let's treat you, go to the saloon, a nice one, and I went in there

and I was like, oh, I think a bit shorter. Can I get the Lord Farquaad? Yeah, can I get the Disha haircut please? Yeah, and it was really long and they fucking snipped it off and I had a little bob. How'd it look? I liked it when you had a fringe. No, that's a fringe.

A bob is like when it's like short. Don't question me. Okay. Yeah, sorry. I got you when you had a fringe. No, that's a fringe. A bob is like when it's like short to the... Okay. Yeah, sorry. I got a bob at the saloon. Oh, actually, sorry. I've got one more. Oh. Zach messages through.

Do you want to stop the... You love to see it. But I love to see this comment. Oh, okay, great. You know, Tony is so famous when she says, I was on Netflix and then needed to clarify that she was on the app watching stuff and not starring in a glittery musical. Must be

tough for Tony to have to clarify these things all the time. Well said, Zach. I listened back to that episode and I agree, but she said that, I was like, what is she talking about? Of course she was. Yeah, like, what am I clarifying there? So I was on Netflix the other day. I mean, like, on it, like, watching. Yeah, watching it for the firstifying there? So I was on Netflix the other day. I mean like on it, like watching.

Yeah, watching it for the first time. Yeah, I'm normally on it. You went in the remake of Cats? Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. That was Judi Dench licking her own minge. I fucking thought just then that you were going to say that was James Corden. A lot of similarities there.

What do you love to see? So I know that we just kind of touched on the heaviness in the world, but there's another thing that's been cutting through a little bit for me. Yeah. I don't know if you've seen this in the news, but the Ukrainian Twitter account is very good. So amongst all the tweets of, like, you know, financial aid and political aid information

and what's going on and keeping people up to date, there's a couple of quite funny tweets that have slipped through. And you and I were joking about this the other day. And it's like everybody that like normally does these jobs are off. They're on the front line. They're fucking busy. They've got shit on. So they've given a mobile phone with the password to an eight-year-old

and said, you take care of the Twitter, mate. It's like this Gen Z-er who loves TikTok and is just like, whoa. And he's tweeting. So one of them was tag at Russia, and they've tagged Russia in the tweet, and tell them what you think about them. Which is just so funny. I know what'll end the war. And this other one that says types of headaches

and it says migraine with red at the front, hypertension at the back, stress at the front and the back and living next to Russia and the whole head is red. And I just thought... This is the official Ukraine account. The official Ukrainian Twitter, which is just, I guess it's just a bit of comedy and, yeah, like, again, there is lots of information on there, but there's a couple of funny ones that have slipped through

and I thought you love to see that. Jasmine has tweeted, I need more loaves of bread made for people who live alone. Oh! Like four or five slices max. What am I going to do with 20 slices of bread over seven to ten days? I'll tell you what to do, Jasmine. Stick them in your fucking mouth, mate, and enjoy those carbs.

Do not carb shame us. Carb eat it. Yeah, and you don't need a small loaf of bread, babe. You just need to eat more. You just need to get your act together and start eating that bread. Put it in the freezer. Or just your face. Anything that starts with an F, put it in.

Put it in your fanny. Not vagina. Vagina. I know this segment is called Things You Love To See. Yes. I obviously did not love to see that. Oh, yeah. But I did love to see the hundreds of comments correcting Jasmine

and making it very clear what they thought, which were in line with us. Put it in the freezer. Cut the loaves telling you what to do with your loaves. But you absolutely love to see it. And happy meow day. Happy meow day. Pretty good.

Tomorrow, things you can say in an Uber and also in the bedroom. That's tomorrow. Meow, see you tomorrow. Thanks for come meowing on my face.