Toni and Ryan - The Absolute Worst Time To Fart...

Episode Date: March 4, 2026

NORMAL or NAH - Ryan and Mabel at the park - Fart noises - LOVE YA!!!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My two-year-old daughter and I are sitting on a park bench, she says, Dad, I need to fart. Bless her. Well, let's both fart. This six-year-old runs over points of this park bench and goes... Hi, I'm Rachel from Central Queensland. Hi, I'm Mel from Squamish, BC. Hi, I'm well from Tulsa, Oklahoma.

And I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Dr. Author, bestselling Dr. Author Tony Lodge. My name is Ryan. The glasses have been waved. We've got normal or not coming up, but Tony, what do we got here? Well, we've got an episode.

We thought yesterday, maybe we wouldn't be here today, but here we are. We've braved it. We have. We've coming to work. Some people think their job's hard. Wait till you have to sit in an armchair with your best friend for 30 minutes today.

It's tough. It's tough out here. But we're back and we're brave. This tweet that's gone viral from whatever Vishal. And the tweet is, my mum recently installed WhatsApp and thought the groups were meant for sorting contacts. Long story short, she created a group text called Unimportant

with about 25 relatives and acquaintances in it. If I get a fucking text from her in that group, I tell you. Yeah, just like, losers I've met. Yeah. That's the group. Isn't that so brutal? I think one of the dangerous things about sharing contacts is you now get, you send the name you have given them.

Oh, what? What? What? Yeah. So if someone's like, what's Bridget's number and I go to share contact. Oh, and it says Bridget McWife. Yeah. They get that.

Yeah. And so heaven forbid I have to send the number for, yeah. Girl I fingered in Hong Kong. Yeah. You know? God, one, two, three, four, five. Yeah. All the way.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you. Lauren, I fingered on plane. One, two, three, four. Yeah. But you forget that you're not just sending the.

DJ and then they can name it themselves. You're sending their name. But you have to edit it if you want to change it as well. What's in my phone? So like I... I'll call you. What do you? Because you got Tony's number and then they get this thing and it's a contact for a hot slut.

Wife number two. Yeah. Girl I fingered in Hong Kong three. Girl I fingered in Reservoir One. Girl I saw fall out of a taxi one, two and three. Girl whose pussy I saw before she broke her. her foot in Los Angeles one. That was a very eventful day.

Big day. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Bridget saved in my phone as Bridget McWife. For that reason? Because you and dropped it. Hey. Well, I've got a photo for Bridget because of the contact.

You shared her contact for me. My photo. Like, it's her like Memoji fucking thing. Don't you send you a good one? Yeah, I do actually. Yeah, you would. I've probably got something better. Of her.

Yeah. What does she go? Oh, what do I look like in this? Yeah. A little girl, vibe check. What do you go? What are you going? What are you sending you?

No, we don't. That'd be nice. Just imagine you have a heaps and nudes of your wife. Yeah. She's like, oh, I'm trying this new style. And you go, I send it through. And you're like, yeah, so the style is me being naked. Yeah, the style is the ham.

Yeah. But it's the angle we were talking about the other day of the mirror on the ground. The mirror on the ground. The mirror on the bombs. Yeah. Any bombs on to here? Bumshall. Oh, that's nice.

Thank you. Are we doing normal or not? Let's do normal. It feels like a nice way to round out the week. Would you like to be fucked off at someone's ex or, geez, they're all, when you say a nice way to round out of the week, none of these are nice today. I would like that because we get to be on the tapas side. Al Datov. Hi.

Hi, Elle. There's something there. I don't know what it is, but there's something there. You know how Bridget's like a wizard in the laundry? Yeah. She got the skills of Aldatoff, sister. called How'd you get? How'd you get that off?

How'd you get that off? Oh, I had a bit of spray there. That's very good. Yeah. He was taking antidepressants. Oh, that's hard when you're jerking him. How'd you get that off? You just keep going.

You're a tricky little dinky. Fuck, that was this week. I know. Al dat off. Normal. El datoff. My ex loved ice cream, but he hated cold stuff. ice cream in the microwave.

Is this normal or nah? Nah. That is just the stupidest thing I've ever heard. No, this question is. No deal. Is that just cream? Well, it's closer, but is it, because if, because cream, I guess is cold, because I went moose, but no, that's also cold.

Is that just like warm custard? Oh. Like, you know when you make custard on the stove and it's warm? Have some custard. My mum used to, if we had like, we didn't often have like sweets after dinner. Yeah. But sometimes she'd like put on it, put an apple pie in the oven. She wouldn't.

So like if dinner was, if dinner was finished right. Hey, guys, Betty Crocker's coming around after the mains today. Yeah. So if like we'd finish, this was a, this is a real treat. This didn't happen very often. But say my mom's cooking dinner and she dishes everything up. and then she doesn't turn the oven off, you go, there's a fucking pie in the freezer.

Is Sarah Lee on her way? Yeah, I reckon Nana's got an apple pie in the fucking, you know? Hasn't turned, and isn't that at, oh. And you go, oh, do you like eyeball your siblings and go, she's left that oven on, didn't you? And you just, like, telepathically like, oven, oven, oven. Well, it's not telepathic if you say it. Nah, but I'm just, for the audio listeners,

they can't see my eyes so they don't know. And then, um, so what I would say telepathically is, hey Tony. Yeah, I reckon my mum. left the oven on. And then you'd be like, I reckon we're on here. But if we didn't have a pie, if it was like you just wanted something sweet, she would always have, fuck, this is probably pretty grim.

You know those two fruits like fruit cups? There's like fruit in syrup or fruit in fruit juice or whatever. Yeah. And you eat it like as, it was like a single serve of like peaches and peach or whatever. And she would strain the juice off, tip that in. a bowl, put some Foster Clark's long life custard in the microwave and pour that over it. Do you know what the definition of grim is? Because it's not fucking that.

Oh, that's fucking delicious. No, that's a big cream. That is delicious. Do you reckon? Yeah. I haven't had it in years, but I remember it was like a treat then. Oh, that is a treat now. It wasn't my fave.

That is a real treat. Because there would always be a little bit of the fruit just left in it and it would kind of like curdle with the custard. You know how? Yeah. So for me, warm custard, I'm like, yes. Was it last week or a week before when you were talking about, like, waiting that extra bit so the food's not hot? The best minute you'll spend is waiting for your food to cool down.

Is custard not the best example of that? Because I don't know if it's because we used to do it in the microwave when I was a kid. And it would be piping fucking hot when it came out. Yeah, but like piping fucking hot on the top. And like, you know what I mean? Because it's in the microwave. It just bubbled at the top. But the middle's like pretty cold.

The outside's hot, but the inside. Yeah. Yeah, all that you'll have a mouthful and go, that's okay. Then you'll have another. And like that specific mouthful was lava and that one's cold. And it's like, oh, we don't wait for it to cool. Because then the cold bit will get, you got. You got to mix it through and just balance it out.

And hope that, yeah, it warms it all to eat. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. The amount of skin I've peeled off the roof of my mouth because of hot custard in a microwave. Custod is also one of those things like, you know, if it gets like the skin on the top of it and it's like, yeah. Yeah. Tell you, this.

is a real treat for young players. Yeah. A few hundreds and thousands in the custard. Okay. Because they melt a little bit and as you mix them through, the kind of coloring comes off and gets a bit. Yeah. That's quite magical.

Yeah. So you get a little swirl. Unicorn custard. That's beautiful. It is unicorn custard. Yeah. Tony, you're a unicorn. You're a one in a billion.

That's beautiful. I'm going to make custard for you today. I would love that. Would you? Yeah. All right. While you're doing that, I'll do the love letter and the apology that I owe you this week. Okay.

Yeah. I was going to bring it up. We'll do a bit of a make good day. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, you've got to have them from time and time. What's all the stuff I promised that I would do for you this week? Yeah, it's a little follow-up date.

But no, the ice cream in the microwave sounds literally worse than like anything I've ever heard before. Thank God she fucked that off. The ice cream, it being cold is the best bit. That's the blessing. The taste I could take or leave, but the. cold is the blessing. Someone actually sent me one on Patreon the other day that I really liked. Tombstone.

Like, oh, put it on my tombstone. Like, cut it into stone, bitch. Yeah, it is hard fact. Yeah. Oh, Tombstone. God, you know what? I love ice cream. Oh, Tombstone.

I like that. Fuck, who was? I can't remember her name. If it's a great saying, though, here's where it gets tricky. Okay. Yeah, what becomes real will and testament? So heaven forbid one of us die. I said no to the catheter and just died there on the street.

Yeah, sorry, took me a second to get back to... And then I've said Tombstone 86 times the previous month. Yeah. And someone goes, well... He asked for it. How big does this tombstone need to be and how much am I right? Yeah. He leaves behind a wife, a daughter.

Love ice cream. It's a blessing. And the best part of ice cream is the cold. Yeah. And people walk and pass... Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, pretty true. Yeah, I guess it's true.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I get what you're saying. I liked Tombstone, though. Deal or no, deal only needs to be 30 minutes. Doesn't need to be 60. Toomsday. And people are, seems like a nice guy. A bit of a random fact to put on your tunes, but, you know, okay.

Grant Denia's there. He's like, oh, fuck you. I was going to pay my respects, but not now. Heaven forbid a guy needs a fucking job. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sorry for working for my family. Yeah.

She's needs more. I respect you backing that in to Flex that you knew his wife's name. Thanks. Charles actually has met. She's he, didn't you? They're friends on Facebook. Mate,

does anyone out in those parts not know anyone else in those parts? Well, the play centre that my parents used to own. Flex. Yeah. Oh, Flex. Oh,

famous parents. Because Heidi, who I used to work with. Heidi's over and Ryan. Yeah, she was from out that way. They all fucking know each other. She's from Bathurst?

Yeah. I thought she was from Perth. No. Oh. I've been hoodwinked. Yeah. And of course she's like best friends with Shezzy because of course they all are. Well, there's no one else to talk to.

Yeah. Well, I did Grant DeNia's child's birthday at the play center. Wow. That's huge. I hope you got a big tip out of that, Charles. I got a photo with him. She said tip, Charles. And I, that's actually hard to believe that Grant Daniel was like, hey, Charles, can I get a photo?

No, I love it though. I mean, when you're a fan, you're a fan. He goes, oh, you that guy from turning runs. I got a photo? I'm going to be a big fan one day. A ceiling fan. He's not going to be a big anything. He's a big success.

That is true. He's a big shy star on Dylan O'Dill. That fake show where they're changing the numbers out of the back. Peter Jury Mal Holland. Oh, fucking else. Save some fucking else for the rest of us. You're thinking of Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, sorry.

Normal or now? Can I buy a vowel, Ryan? Sorry. Yes. No, D is a continent. Constan. D's nuts. What's the opposite of a vowel?

What'd you call me? Consonant. Continent. Australia. Peter. Jury. Malholland. I only know one continent.

Sorry. Is that embarrassing? You know all of the continents. Australia. Yeah. Which is controversial because it's also a country and an island but it's like new zealand is a part of australia and so is papu new guinea and oh so they are continent they they are the continent of australia are they and oceana

yeah oh my god okay hence the confusion continent um um so is that like more than one country is that what a continent is not necessarily oh russia nope nope great um Canada no Russia's a controversial one um the Americas no

close the United States of America if you were closer before Canada no Atlanta no what's the at last what's the um

here in the capital the continent of Atlanta I've been there what no what am I thinking of you're thinking of the The Atlantic. The cold place. Antarctica.

Nah. No, no, no. Well, I suggest you do think that. No, I'm thinking of. You try to give a slight of answer. I'm thinking of. The Atlantic? Alaska.

Oh, well, even less so. Oh. Now, do you want to go back a few? Atlanta. Forwarded slightly. The Atlantic. Asia. Yes.

That's a continent. Yeah. Don't know how we got there from there, but sure. They start with they. That's two. Thailand. Oh no, that's in Asia. Um,

the Middle East. No. No. That's one of three depending on. Taiwan. No. That's in Asia. Yeah.

Fuck, I'm glad I came in to work today. Yeah, same. Do you know what? Okay, so you know the other day I was talking about office work? So I got all that stuff bound up. I think we need to stick with the continent. Yeah. Nah.

It comes. It comes back around. It comes back around. So I was standing in the aisle because they were rebinding that one that was wrong. And they were like, oh, do you mind waiting like 15 minutes? I was like, so fine. This store is amazing. I can keep myself busy.

I don't know if you're aware where in an office works. There are so much fun to be had. So you know how you bought those sick paint pens for Mabel? Yeah, they're fucking. I was looking for those because they were so much fun. Yeah. And then we end up in like the kids kind of aisle with like toys and like the building. a fucking like crystal growing kid and sea monkeys and shit and they had a globe like a globe like a

spinny one yeah and torbs was like oh and he spun it and i went oh my god i wanted a globe so bad as a kid and he was like oh really and i was like yeah i just like really wanted one i thought that was so cool and whatever and he was like oh that's like a did you have one i was like no my parents never bought me one he goes that feels like a weird thing to tell a kid that they can't have Yeah, like of all the things. Of all, like, of all the fucking stupid toys I had. Because I think you can buy like crazy, fancy ones. But then you can also buy pretty easy shit ones and they're fine.

Yeah, like you would have gotten them from Officeworks or like Australian Geographic or whatever. And I was like, and it was like, and tools like, that seems like a weird thing to like not buy your kid. And I was like, yeah, it does. And then I said, do you reckon that's why I'm so bad at geography now? Probably. Because I never had a glow. How old are you learning? Looking at a fucking map.

Yeah. Okay. So not Taiwan. All the office works combined, are they a continent? No, but they should be. Okay, what other countries are there? Countries, strangely not only. No, but that's going to give me a lead.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, the EU? Say that out loud. Europe. Yes. Oh, UK. No.

Brexit. Yeah, no. Oh, no. So political. Tombstone. Um, shh. Nope.

We've got three and we're sort of unofficially got four. Tony. So we've got three. There's four. Seven. Seven. Seven. Yeah.

Oh my God. Okay. Australia. Yep. Asia. Yep. What did I just say? Europe.

Europe. Oh my God. The big three. Bangladesh. Esch is on a continent. Is in Asia? Yeah. Oh, that's what I was saying.

One of the cold places, isn't it? No, that's Europe. No, Antarctica. Yes. Yes. Four? Four? The Americas is definitely one. No.

It's not. America isn't a continent. No. But play in this area. Canada. No. Alaska. No.

Atlanta. No. Green. I'll give you a clue. There's. Green. Green. What's that place?

Greenland. No. I'll give you clear. The Americas is split into. Mexico. No. North America, South America. Yes.

Bing. Bing. Yeah. One more. Yep. Big. Big. I said Russia.

I would say this is the most continent of continents. Africa. Yeah. I'm African genius. Do you know what I want to say? I want to send a big shout out to Antarctica for being a continent. Yeah, same. That's huge work from them.

They don't get a lot of visitors, but fuck, they'd be the hell out of a continent. We've talked about, you and I have talked about continents before. What'd you call me? You sh- Okay, I'm going to give you a clue. Yeah. And you just tell me the part where it might have stuck out a bit. Yep. Remember how, and like, this is maybe 20 years away because it's crazy.

I thought you were about to say 20 years ago. I was like, babe, I didn't know. Sweetheart. I wish I did, but I didn't. Do you think that if we went to school? together we would have like kissed more than that kiss on the piss yeah that's really sweet yeah that's really nice we often talk about if bridget would had it gone to altham high like would we have no way what no way what if you and bridge went to school together no way why not because you're a cool

boy and she was she had a rough time at school yeah so she wouldn't have had that rough time because she would have been at eltham high nah i think that you would have found I can gotten your inky pen all over her. She wouldn't have liked that. That sounds like something else when you say. Sorry. Put your little inky pen in there. No, but I don't,

no, I don't think so. I said, wouldn't it be cool to do one podcast from each of the seven continents? To Bridget? No, to you. To me? Oh, yeah. And so when I discussed the seven,

because you know how Diplo did that thing in Antarctica? Antarctica. And I was like, what if we went to Antarctica and we did like a live recording on Antarctica? That would be crazy. And then we did one in and then mentioned all seven of them. And we'll like, we'll do one a week for seven weeks. And you're like, great idea. I love the seven continents. I can't wait to go to Atlanta and Bangladesh and Taiwan. That sounds great. So Gerald Mulholland Drive. What did he say? He gets a nosebleed in the shower and he instead of being scared, he pretends he's an action hero who's been shot. Hot. Nah, I love that. Yeah. And acts out an emotional scene for one in the shower. Yep. I like that. I think as if you're a blood nose getter,

they are quite, it's fucking annoying. Do you get blood noses? No. I used to get them as a kid, but it's just because I picked my nose too much. Yeah, Bridged a little bit. Torbs gets them literally daily. It would be so annoyed.

All the time. So, is it like? Literally every, like that's not a high level. Like, it's just dry or? I don't know. Or, because I think some people have like a thinner membrane like in here and it's just, you're more likely to. But I've watched.

I've watched in real time him go like that, like rub his nose and it just pisses. Sorry, it doesn't thin a membrane just sound like an insult to primary school kid would give. You've got a thinner membrane. Yeah. Oh, you're an idiot. You also have a thin membrane. Yeah. My kid's fucking awesome.

Kids suck. Caitlin Minnie. Hi, Caitlin. I put two pillow cases on my pillow with the opening facing in different directions so that if I I sometimes accidentally reach like in the pillow slip when I'm sleeping. I'm still never touching the disgusting in a little bit. I'm just touching like another pillow case on the inside. I hate that weird how it feels a bit like hospital gown.

Yeah. That's a really good idea. The thought of touching the naked pillow makes me want to vomit. Nah, so fair. So fair. So fair. Whenever if something like if I do reach around in bed and what? Nothing.

If I do reach around in bed and happen to get under the sleep, I do kind of go like, oh wow, that's meant to be. And what does Torbs think of that? He's normally asleep. He's normally asleep. Yeah. Yeah. I bet he is. Hi, I'm Rachel from central Queensland.

This is Will from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'm Mel from Squamish PC. And you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out across all the continents to our champion tarpers in our Patreon. Where's Fiji? Oceania. I've backed that in, but I don't know if it's true.

Did we mention Oceania as a continent? Oh, no, I said Australia and then you said they're part of our continent. of Oceania, but is that not the same thing? So I think it would be Australia. Yeah, like on this little map here, like it's green. I don't, all that. I don't, the Australian one's weird, eh? Go on, Tony.

Question. Is every country part of a continent or can some just be rogue? I think so. Or is that a hot button political question to ask? No, I think that's why sometimes countries make, because Russia would be a bit of both. It says, apparently.

No, not every country is technically part of a recognized major continental landmass. Oh, yeah. Well, most are many island nations such as Iceland and a few others, and I'm not going to try to pronounce. Great. In the Pacific, aren't physically connected to everyone. Feels like there's probably some history of colonization, etc. That affect that too.

Aren't physically connected. I think they're just describing islands. Well, they're describing, you know, most, lots of countries aren't connected to anything. That's what I mean. but you still be a part of shit. So we're an island. Yeah. Tasmania's an island.

Yeah. Rotnest? Oh, no, they're on their own. Okay. That's part of Antarctica. A massive shout out, though, to a few of our champion type is across the globe, which I wasn't allowed as a kid. That's okay.

We're over it. Jordy Rush, good on you, Jordy. Andrea Benton, or maybe Andrea. Joanne Tate, good on you, Joanne. Jess Monroe, Katie Cleber. Wow. Two B's in the last name, feels. like a fucking happy meal super size.

Luxury. Emma, uh, bit like the case. Hillary Newark, like the airport. John Chambers, Chambers done,

like my best friend. Susie, good on your sues. Tessa, love it. Melissa, that was Tessa. Love it.

Like, love it. Like, love it. Oh. Yeah. Melissa Jewry. Lizzie love it? Sue, what? Do you remember Lizzie love it?

No. She used to host video hits and stuff. No. When you were, I reckon you would have watched it. I would probably recognize. Yeah. Oh, I want to be her.

They were all cool, all the, like, Axel Whitehead before he went a bit cucko. Yeah. Yeah. Got his dick out of the arias. Yeah. Melissa Jury, good on you, Melissa, and Job. Thank you very much being parted out of our Patriot. They had a great career until he got his dick out of the ARIs.

And it happens to the best of us. And might this be a lesson to anyone going to an ARI Awards or any kind of awards, really? If you want to keep hosting video hits on Channel 10 on a Saturday morning, don't get your dick out of the Arias. I will say, though, something that is on pretty high rotation. I'm not proud that it's on high rotation, but something that is on pretty high rotation in my life is don't do surprises by Axel Whitehead, which is ironic that his big number one hit was don't do surprises because he surprised

everyone by getting his dick out of it. The ultimate surprise. Did he write that afterwards? Was it like a learning? I'm not sure of Axel Whitehead's timeline. And I should be. That's a blight on me. So he surprises people.

They don't like it. Yeah. And he goes, don't do surprises. And someone goes, there's something in that. There's something in that. I've got it. Eureka. You know what we need to say.

I'm back. I'm back. Eureka. Eureka. I've got it. What did you say the other day? You're like, say a lot of stuff.

When golden ticket tuffet, Jesse, he arrives at the airport, I'm going to say, was it wasn't icarumba that it was something was it eureka no it was eureka Jason you're like I'm gonna say this and I was like please don't do you remember Charles

oh no I don't remember either like I'm gonna say hoolly doly that does ring a bell but I don't remember what about it it'll be in this week's vlog yeah we'll find that because you were saying a lot of shit at that airport we're Charles and I were like can you not

like you say whatever you like but chill out but don't say it next to us oh yeah that's Fair. Like you can, you can say whatever you want. Yeah. Anywhere else. Oh, third wheel with my two friends from work.

Oh, Eureka. Hardly, no one. So over at our Patreon this year, we are running our little podcast away. That's, I don't know how to explain it. But there's a chance for eight tarpers across the year to come to Fiji with us. So we'll pay for your tickets. We'll pay for your tickets. airport, your fucking flight.

Which ever... Your ticket's your airport and your flight will pay for. Whichever continent you are in, we are going to fly you to Fiji to spend a week with a whole bunch of other tarpers with your plus one. With us. With us. With the whole crew. You can sit in as we record the podcast live on the beach.

We're going to be hanging out. We're going to be doing stand-up paddle board lessons. You and I will be testing cocktails in the bar to make sure they're okay for the other people swimming in the pool bar. Safety. Safety. So thank you for that. So we've had...

We're doing it in rounds. So there's going to be eight rounds. Each round has a different question as well. So there's a 25 words or less question that you have to answer. And that's how we're picking our winner. Our first winner was Annie, who's coming from the Netherlands. Our second winner was Reese, who's coming from New Zealand. And our third winner is Amy.

Amy. Congratulations, Amy. See you in Fiji. So we've spoken to Amy. You'll be able to see the video on our socials shortly. Get your passport sorted. Get your passport ready. And so that means when one door closes, another door opens.

Isn't that beautiful? And that means that round four is now open. And the question for round four is in 25 words or less, tell us what plate you would build Tony and Ryan at the hotel buffet breakfast. And that's a good question. I was just about to answer, but we got to let it play out though, don't we? Well, yeah, we can't. I think that would maybe be unfair.

but it's open to open to interpretation we're getting that all day every day by the way all day and probably till 10.30 but you know so to enter you have to be a champion tarpa all the details are in our Patreon

but before you join the Patreon if you want to check out the T's and Cs because that's got like the date that we're travelling so if you're not available then like don't bother not in a mean way but like you know but go fuck yourself but save you

you know save your 25 words be champion Tapper or anyway, but... Yeah. There's only eight rounds, so we're almost halfway and by the end of August, it'll closed off,

done and dusted. So if you want to join us in Fiji, come on over to Patreon. But if you want to have a look at the T's and Cs, they're all available at our link tree, like our link in bio, and also inside Patreon,

if you want to have a look. You're at the park. I was at the park with Mabel. Who? My beautiful daughter, Mabel. I love the fucking hell out of Mabel. She's such a little babe. It's like everyone to know that she graduated and went up a year at gymnastics class.

Oh my God. That's huge. Now our mom sits up the top and she goes by herself and she's like very like loves being like told what to do and where to go and everything. So it's not like you're there with her. She's on the balancing beam doing stuff. Dominating. For gym, do they do like, is it, are they in like a little like leotard or something?

Not yet. Yeah. Yeah, there's little bike shorts. But I reckon they might get to leotard. She loves gymnastics. I remember getting the roly polies. Do you see her do roly pollies? I don't think I've seen her do roly polly.

She like, like, stand there like this and then like do a forward, like do a somersault, like a roll. I remember getting my first Leo for gym and my first Leo for dancing. I remember getting my first Leo for gym. Leo is what they called it. I know. I've just really started thinking. Oh, I'm just, I'm in the, I'm in the zone. I'm an athlete talking about my Leo.

Yeah. But I remember how excited it was. My gym one was black and high neck and had like a gold. Oh my God. Like striped through the top. That is such a Leo. It was so, it was so cute. But my dancing ones were just like black.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. And do you miss the gymnastics stage? Should we go back? Where are we at? I'm going to tell you something that's going to shake you to your core. You're still doing it. I was too tall for gymnastics.

Oh. It might be a bit like how Tim Thames have mentioned them though. Yeah. And my dick was too big to have sex with Hot Girls. So, yeah, I get it. It's tough. No, I think, strangely, this is familiar. I think I might have said this before, but in pre-

Oh, it wasn't recently. Because in pre-primary, I was the, like, the tallest kid. And then what happened for the next? I stopped growing then. At what age? I haven't gotten any taller since I was six. Yeah. So they went at five, you're this tall and they go, well, she's obviously going to grow to be six foot five.

Well, they were like, oh, she's on the way up, like, and it's really not a tall sport. Because you have to be quite small and literally cut it off at the knees. Yeah. Well, yeah. Because on the, trying to do like the bars because you would do like little, you know. Yeah, it would. Yeah, I would be too tall so I could see over it. So I couldn't like hang off them because I was too tall.

So if you're too tall for gymnastics, did they kind of go, oh, maybe like basketball's for you? Yeah, no. I never got us to do basketball. It's trained with a lot of high. Yeah, with all the fucking legs I have. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway.

So. So. Yeah, but back to Mabes. My two-year-old daughter and I are sitting on a park bench, she says, Dad, I need to fart. Bless her. And I go, oh, okay. And she goes, do you need to fart?

Always. And because we're trying to like, you know, not shame it and just like, you know. Totally. And I'm like, most of the time I probably could if I had to. Like twist my arm or pull my finger as it were. Teamstone. she goes, Dad, do you need a fart?

And I go, what? Do you need to? And she goes, yeah. And I go, well, let's both fart. That's beautiful. Yeah. Daddy daughter bonding. For such a little two-year-old girl,

she just ripped the big, like she does massive farts. And they're just like, yeah, it was so funny. Yeah. Then dad had a crack. And you shit yourself. No, I just nailed it.

No, really great. Really great one. And we both giggled. because farts are funny. Totally. And it was just like the silliest little moment of like how funny, like both audibly loud and we're just like giggling away. And you're just in the park.

Yeah. You weren't at home. No, sitting at this park bench, yeah. And then this like, you must have. Then the fart police came up.

Well, this six year old comes over and sort of points like at my left, like at my, like, like, your pussy. Yeah, well,

like my, I'm like, is he pointing at my butt? Like, did I shit myself? Like, why it's going like, and this had just happened. And I was like, it's like he's on to us. Yeah. And you're like, he is the fuck police. Is he about to shame us?

He's part of big fart. Or is he going to loudly go, you just fart it. You know what? You don't fart, you stinky old bitch. Yeah. Yeah. And he runs. Kids are always saying that.

This six-year-old runs over points like at our legs of this park bench and goes, Mom, found you. and his 40-year-old mom was sitting under the park bench the whole time because they were playing hide and seek and we just gone and sat there on top of her and both just let it rain right and he goes, Fandre and she goes, oh, you got me and I went, oh, we got you as well and I was like, I'm so sorry

did you say something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that we've just been sitting here, fuck. And she just kind of went, and just walked off. Huh? Which kind of made it work. I don't know what I was expecting. You want her to be like, oh yeah, like.

Kids are funny or what the fuck, just something. But she kind of, it was almost like she was like, if I just don't acknowledge it. I just need to leave. Yeah. So she just laughed and moved on. And then I was just sitting there with Mabel. And Mabel sort of looked at me, not sheepishly,

but she looked at me as if to say, did you know someone down there? Like a full grown friend. But she's gone. What? Is there a, do people just come here? out from under? Are we sitting on a trap door?

Is this the origin of like monsters under the bed kind of energy? Yeah. Because she's like, well, I'll be fucked. Who came out of there? I keep saying there's no scary man out of the bed, but we sit here and there's people just fucking turn it up. Is there anyone else under there? Because if I fart again, I mean, who knows?

That is the funniest thing I think I've ever heard in my life. It was so embarrassing. Even when you were like, Mom found you, I was like, oh my God, his mom's dead and it was a ghost. It's my first image in my mind. Hey, not everyone's my mom. mom's dead. Yeah, sorry to make it about me.

Yeah. Sorry. Although, would this mum prefer to have been? At least a ghost wouldn't have gotten farted on the same way. I've never farted on your mum. Was it a, and I'm really sorry.

Yeah. Yeah. But I wouldn't. Is it one of those like park benches with like the, like the slat, like the wooden, like, so it's open, like. Yeah. Yeah. There's gaps.

For those playing along at home, I believe it was the Altham North. adventure playground, lots of seating areas, lots of great hiding spots. And to be fair, the way I looked, I was like, that is a good spot. Because it's sort of around the, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But it was wooden slats and she was, she was slightly behind us, which is why when we walked up from the front, we probably wouldn't have seen her that well. Because it was a great hiding spot. But also, you're not looking for someone, a 40-year-old lady under the bench. No. When me and maybe is going to sit there and, you know, have a grape or some crackers or a juice,

You know, just having a little moment. A little sit while we're playing. Yeah. A little break. Was it really loud? Can you do, can you give me your best fart impression of? All right. Hers was a classic.

Just a. So airy, big airy fart. Yeah. And it had that like little trail of, you know, on the, like a little motorboat on the end. I was about to say motorboat. Yep, that's amazing. Mom was more of a, uh, appointed. Yeah, like a straight shooter.

No, no, that's not right. Yeah, like I almost got a bit of air off the table, you know. Charles, do your best far. Noise, with your mouth. It was like that. A tight one. Yeah, a tight one. Tight one.

Sometimes when you do a tight one, you force it out. That's what I mean, because I was, she, I was put on spot. You were on spot, yeah. Hey, I'm really sorry about that. Thank you. Yeah. You could have very easily shit. Nah, you know, well, except for those other times I didn't know, but the other times you do know.

Yeah, so, um, showd out to that, mum. That is the funniest thing. I genuinely think I've ever heard. Good times had by, well, it wasn't really for me at the time. That's fucking so funny. Hey, mum, I just, oh, the whole thing. That, I wish I could just like pause on the hey mom and just be like. Where are we going from here?

Because I couldn't, like, what on a. Earth could you be referring to? Genuinely, I thought it was a ghost. Yeah. So that shows you how likely it is that you would... Found you. Fuck it out. Have you been to the hot?

Yeah, okay. Did it smell? Oh, when you're outside, I can explode away. Yeah, into that woman's mouth. Oh. Oh, sorry. I'm not fucking farting out in public. Excuse me, ma'am.

Can you just open your mouth? My daughter's about to fart. Oh, oh, that's worse. what I said. Yeah, so having kids, great times. That does sound fun though. Yeah. That does sound fun.

Yeah, you're fine. You know, we're all said and done. Isn't fun? It is, but it's... Give me a, you know, top line. The... I don't want the whole thing. The amount of times you will be embarrassed increases so many.

See, I like that. You might do one embarrassing thing a year without a kid. You get embarrassed five times a one. Because they say things like, my daddy has a peeness. They say staff, they're fart and you're turning up covered in shit because they spilted over you. The amount of times before having kids, I wouldn't have left the house because there was like a stain on my show. Yeah. The speed in which you stop giving a fuck about, like I would walk into a podcast with a chest full of pad tie because who gives a fuck.

Yeah. Because who gives a fuck. Yeah. So yeah, if you're if that's fun for you, then you're going to have a fun time. That's a beautiful little recap. Yep. I love that. Yep.

So if you want to have a kid, use the code Ryan 20 for a 20% discount. That is hilarious. Thank you. That is, you've just said the two funniest things I reckon you've ever said. And they all happened in this episode that almost didn't happen because yesterday was fucked. Yep. That's amazing. Yep.

To a comeback of a century. I'll fact let you come back. Come on my back this century. I've got to your love to see it. from Caroline. If you want to have a kid, use my code. That is so funny.

Like, oh, that's really silly to prison. Okay. Caroline, good on you, Caroline. I listen to you guys,

oh, no, um, sent me to oblivion, not prison. Sorry. Oh my God. I,

sorry. Yeah. All right. Caroline. Your weekend's almost here, mate. Eureka. The weekend's almost.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Yeah. That is what I, yes. Okay. And Jesus left. We just yelled hallelujah and a huge thing of thunder came down upon us. Are we sitting under a park bench at Elpham North?

Or was there a huge amount of thunder just go past? You guys, I don't want to say anything crazy. But I might be God. Why do you think that? Because have you ever seen me and God in the same place? But, trick question, I am God. I've never seen God anywhere. You're doing that chat.

We've got time for that before the weeks out. Do you know what I'm going to? All right, Caroline. I'll tell you the greatest conversation I've ever heard about gods and shit is when Stephen Colbert and Ricky Javis are discussing religion. And because Stephen Colbert is like a religious man brought up in a religious family. Ricky Javis is like an atheist, famously an outspoken atheist. And he's like, so you believe in your God, but you don't believe in. in all the other ones because there's thousands of different versions around the world.

And Ricky goes, I just don't believe in one more. One more. Like you don't believe in 99 of the gods. I don't believe in a thousand. Yeah, sure. That's interesting. Yeah. And everyone just kind of goes, huh.

Like, we're not that different at all. Yeah. We're not that different at all. We're not that different, you and I. See, I did say that. That's from Austin Powers. Another god, god of comedy. Question.

Caroline. We have a few Austin Bowers impersonators reach out. Yeah, baby, yeah. To pitch themselves to come. We don't need one. I've got to cover it. Oh, yeah, baby! That's fat bastard.

What'd you call me? What's going to do? You know that fine. Okay, Caroline. Sweet Caroline. Da, dat, da. Is that a no for the hens party? We don't need one.

I've just done there. Yeah, but do you want to enjoy watching someone else have a crack at it? Yeah, sure. I thought there was a spider, but it was your foot moving. What? We don't do pranks. Hey, mum. That my mum might be there because of the ghost.

Maybe it was my mum doing thunder and lightning. Hallelujah! No, that's just embarrassing. It only works on I do it. It works on I do it. Tony Lodge is God. All right. Caroline.

Caroline. Caroline. Just Mardi-fine, Mardi-fite. I know you like to thank your Farts don't stink But sitting under a park bench

Then I smell your farts in Eltham North Play Adventure Playground Caroline I listen to you guys through my undergrad degree And I'm now moved away from family And been working full time at a law firm For almost seven months

This is my first ever big girl job Hell yeah I have just been offered a spot in a master's program at King's College in London. Huge. There's only an 8% acceptance rate for international students. I'm from the US. So I'm truly grateful. I'm doing my best to start the fucking blog and earn my degree so I can begin teaching at universities.

That's huge. Isn't that so cool? 8% is terrifying. And also like the US, like it's fucking big place. Yeah. Like, that's crazy. So congratulations, Caroline. and maybe if you've already moved to London

before the hens party, we'll see you there. I would love to see her there. Yeah, baby, yeah. She's actually the Austin Poussin person now. I'd like to send a shout out to Beth Benson Godfrey. Oh my God, do they own the vacuum cleaner shop? Yeah, and owns Benson Boone. Benson and Hedges.

Have a siggy and a vacuum cleaner. Isn't that just the ultimate? Because vacuum cleaning is so satisfying and so is punch and darts, I imagine. What? I started my own business because she's a former teacher. Benson Bone. What's her name?

Beth Benson Godfrey. Beth. Well, I just wish her the Beth. You're simply the... Charles has a friend called Beth, and every time he talks about it, that's all I can think of. He's simply the Beth?

Yeah. Are you guys doing each other, or are you just Beth friends? Best friends. You'd wish her the Beth, wouldn't you? I would. Yeah. Did you have the best time when you went away with it?

Now it's raining. Oh, like a lot. It's raining like it was down in Bethlehem. Can you hear it? Yeah. All right, let's wrap it up. You might have to speak up. They were a teacher and then used their teaching skills to create a YouTube channel that taught maths to students.

So, you know, you want to tidy up on your maths, learn a few lessons. So instead of tutoring. but it's like extra lessons you can do. Well, it's called the tutoring B for the same ideas. Not everyone can have access to tutors and whatnot. So it's on YouTube. It's free. And that's a tarpa.

So if you check out My Tutoring B. My tutoring B. Yep. And Tony can learn maths and they probably have a... Contra. Geography one. She should do a deal or no deal breakdown. I love that. Well, as you can hear, the rain has really picked up.

Yep. Thank you for being with us this week. It's been a bit of a roller coaster. We've had a lot on. Yep. And I would just like to say, have a great weekend and just be careful where you farting this Sunday. And every day. And careful where you're hiding.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Love you so much. Have a great day. Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Go play hide and seek.

They're like spelled like a cowhide. Is that the butt? What? Is a cow hide the butt of a cow? No, I think it's just the skin. Have a great weekend. Love you.