Toni and Ryan - The best rapper of our generation

Episode Date: June 12, 2022

Ryan has a social responsibility conundrum, and I got puffed out from stress. Plus I am an amazing rapper - which is not news to ANYONE. Love ya!! Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hi, Melissa. Hi. Hi, it's Tony and Ryan. Hi, guys. Oh, my gosh. Hello. What are you doing?

Where are you? I was just laying in bed with my cat. Oh, living the high life, I see. Lovely. Oh, definitely. Well, sorry to interrupt, but would you be able to approve this episode? Of course I can. Yay!

Excellent. Hi, this is Melissa from London, Ontario, Canada, and I approve this podcast. Yeah. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Welcome. Hi. Hello. Pleasure to have you here.

Thank you. Oh, not me. Oh, you too. Okay. Thanks for coming. Cool. Thanks for coming down. No problems.

I've done something on Twitter that may have defamed you and what you stand for. What? I'll get to that later on today. Today? Yep. Also, coming up on a Monday, we go through a bit of feedback from last week.

Uh-huh. The peaks and troughs of last week's episodes, yep. That's on the way. And Tony became both the most loved, hated and confused person on the internet last week. Yeah, I had a bit of a Kim Kardashian, didn't I? Yeah, but not for a good reason, although you both were talking about having things inside of you.

So, I mean, a lot of similarities as well. But we will get to that soon. But first of all, actually, there's two kind of people in this world, right? Yep. The kind of person who this world, right? Yep. The kind of person who will tell you you've got something in your teeth and cowards. You don't have anything in your teeth, by the way.

Actually, give us a little. No, you look good. I always tell you when you've got stuff in your teeth. Because you're a good friend. Yes, I am a good friend. I would tie that to the grave. Wait. Are you dying?

No, die on this hill. Wait. What's the one? Anyway, yep, keep going. Tony is a good grave. Wait. Are you dying? No, die on this hill. Wait. What's the one? Anyway, yep, keep going. Tony is a good, loyal friend. Thank you. And I feel like good, loyal friends will tell you when there's something in your teeth.

Is it a thing like when your dress is tucked into the back of your underwear or something like that? Yeah. Has that happened to you? It absolutely has, yeah. And did someone give you the heads up? I think that as I was walking out of the bathroom, I like felt the dress like not hitting the back of my legs.

Right. Because when you're wearing a dress, you can kind of like feel it on you and you're kind of like, oh, that feels a bit wrong. A bit airy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a good friend will go, or even not a friend, just a girl at the nightclub at 2am, hey, babe, just to let you know. Yeah, and I think you've got to, the trick is it's like ripping off a bandaid.

You've just got to say it. Otherwise, you leave it the person goes hang on so how long were you looking at me with my dress in my knickers or my summing in my teeth because i ate a spinach sandwich for lunch six hours ago we've been sitting next to each other you've let me look like a fuckhead this whole time yeah and i've just gotten in the car looked in the review mirror and seen the spinach in my teeth it's very very interesting you mentioned the, you know, how long is too long before you've just got to live by your cowardly decision not to say anything. Oh, see, I think if you haven't done it straight away, you can't.

Sorry. Bleep that out. Like as in cannot? You cannot. You can't. All right. You listening to this podcast, think about what kind of person you are and then let me put you into a situation I found myself in the workplace.

Is now a bad time for me to ask you which one you are? You're about to find out. you which one you are? You're about to find out. We're recording today at KISS in Melbourne, the radio station that I work at. Yes. Where Tony used to work at. The male bathrooms are kind of near my desk. Yes.

Now, have you noticed a sign on the front of the male bathrooms? No, because the girls, like, so the women's bathrooms are, like, tucked away, but the boys' bathrooms are, like, on the other side, so the women's bathrooms are like tucked away, but the boys' bathrooms are like on the other side, so I'd never go past that side. Let me play some Jeopardy thinking music. Oh. Which you can add in later.

Okay. Go and have a look at what's on the door and come back and report. On the? The men's. Do I have to go into the bathroom though? No, no, just look at the front. Okay. And just see what the sign says.

All right, BRB. I'm finding 30. Tony, I'm actually watching you go down the stairs right now and look at that ass. Oh, shit. Get it, girl. Oh, welcome back. We've missed you.

Hello. Welcome back, mate. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Do you mean on the door? You look confused. Do you mean on the mirror? No, on the door. There's nothing on the door.

Interesting. There's nothing on the door. Now, where did you say the female toilets were? There's nothing on the door. Now, where did you say the female toilets were? Like down around the... They're like on opposite sides of the building. You said before, kind of hidden away. Yeah.

There's this new girl at work. Oh, my God. You're fucking... You're not serious. She's in the newsroom. I'm so puffed because I was so stressed about that. So my desk is kind of near the men's room and this new girl in the news department, she'll walk past my desk and go,

morning, guys. I'm like, hey, how you doing? And walk straight into the men's. Says good morning. Says good morning, guys, and goes, you know. Into the bathroom., into the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. There's no men's sign on the front of the men's. You just get told, I'm assuming,

on orientation or when you start the job. Toilet's over there. Yep. Guys are over there, girls are over there, whatever. But if you said the toilet, the bathroom's next to the kitchen, it applies to both because the kitchen's in the middle. Yeah. And so the first time she went past and went to the bathroom,

I just saw her walk straight through like it was nothing and I was like, okay, maybe the women's are out of order or whatever. And then I reckon probably over the last two weeks, three or four times, and I said to someone sitting next to me I was like there's no sign that says this is the guys it's not obvious that there's another toilet somewhere else because the women's are kind of hidden maybe she just thinks this is the bathroom or that it's just like a gender neutral bathroom like for everyone to use yeah if you peeked your head in but it is kind of gender it's not Yeah. It's still got the stalls and whatever.

Yeah. The only thing that would throw me off is that on the mirror there's a big sticker that says, hey, handsome. That's actually probably the only thing that I would be like, oh, because the girls' toilet. It says, g'day, sweetheart. Sweetheart, you got a second. The girls' toilet says, Hello, gorgeous or something.

Oh, they're the only, so these little shit stickers on the mirror are the only identifiable. These only excellent stickers on the mirrors are the only, like, identifiable thing. Well, that's the only thing, because I poked my head and I was like, oh, it's actually the boys' toilet. So I've never walked in there before. It's right next to a fire exit.

Yeah. I almost pushed that door open. I was like, I almost fucking went out the back, drove my car. Maybe the girl from the newsroom is just lighting fires. Or walking out and having a ciggy and then coming back in or something. So I guess my question is, after the first time, I was like, oh, that's a bit strange.

After the second time I'm like, oh, maybe she doesn't know. And now I feel like too much time has elapsed where I go, hey, mate, I've noticed over the last month. Do you know any of her like work, like are you close with anybody that she would work with closely? I don't know many people at all from the newsroom. Because I was going to say, can you say to somebody else, be like, hey, I think they might be using the wrong bathroom.

And it's not that it's a problem. It's just like they might actually be uncomfortable about being like, oh, my God, I'm going into the men's room. Well, that's what I thought. Poor girl, no one's talking. Like when I started here. No one tells you anything. No.

And it was kind of during COVID. There was no one around. Yeah. And so you kind of just make some, oh, I guess I sit over there. I guess they're the men's. Yeah. There's the kitchen. I'm allowed to put stuff in the fridge, I assume. Yeah.

How do I log in? I still don't know how to log in and use half the HR services. No one ever told me. But would you, after a few weeks, want me to tell you? Or would you be like, well, why didn't you tell me that four times ago? Because now I feel like too much time has passed. I've left you with pesto on your lip for six hours since lunch. The weird thing is, is that she's going to be like,

why are you watching me go to the bathroom? My desk is next to the bathroom door. I know, but she's going to be like, why are you fucking taking note of like, I feel like I would want to know, but she's going to be like, why are you fucking taking note of like, I feel like I would want to know, but I'd be really embarrassed. Yeah. And that's what I don't, and I've, I kind of like, hey, I know this might be embarrassing. So like, just, I don't care either way.

I just wanted to let you know, like, cause yeah, how do I, it would be awful to find out all we let her work here for five to 10 years. Ignorance is bliss. Mate. Oh, I hope she doesn't listen to this podcast. No. She's going to be like, who's going to the bloody other toilet? Not me.

I'm going to the gender neutral toilet in the middle. I thought Tony and Ryan worked in my building, but it mustn't be true because we've got gender neutral bathrooms in our place. Yeah, we don't have women's and men's. Fuck. I don't know what to, I actually don't know what to do because I want her to.

To know. But I mean, if it's not, maybe it's one of those things, like if it's not bothering the person in question, maybe it doesn't fucking matter. It's not bothering us. And it doesn't really matter. I'm only bothered because I feel like I could help, that she would be bothered if she knew.

Yeah. Like I don't care. Yeah. But also she doesn't, guys are gross. Yeah. I mean, there's probably a cleaner one just down the if she knew. Yeah. Like, I don't care. Yeah. And also because she doesn't. Guys are gross. Yeah. I mean, there's probably a cleaner one just down the hall, mate. Yeah. And also because you're like, oh, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable

if she's in there and there's, you know, because we all know that boys can be stinky and yuck. Smelly and loud. Yeah. I think we could tell her privately. There are two types of people. People who do the right thing and cowards. Which one are you, Toni?

Fucking give me a big say because I'm a coward. Hi, this is Melissa from London, Ontario, Canada, and you're listening to Toni and Ryan. A massive thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. They've got videos and water bottles and stuff coming eventually this year, this decade probably. Is there a bit of attitude in that? No, no, no, I'm just letting you know.

There's global supply chain issues. No, I know. We've cleaned out Frank Green. The water bottles are actually not the problem at all. The videos are the things that are holding us back. But they are coming. Casey Emanuel, thank you so much. Jordan Conway, Parker Johnson, Imogen H, Javada Seaburk, Nathan Rose, Arrow, Catherine Terry, Burb Quartz and Juz W.

Thank you so much for being part of our Patreon, buying our exclusive content. Hope you fucking love it. And may God bless. And Globress America. Globress. And Globress America. Bit of feedback.

On a Monday, we just go through some of the feedback of the previous week. Yeah. Last week, you said a Knight's Tale was shit, and that absolutely sent some people. Fucking stand by it. Look, there was a running joke at the start of Tony and Ryan, not like this episode, like this whole podcast, but like Ryan, that I had the bad taste in movies,

that I had the bad recommendations. Yeah. And Tony kind of assumed this self-righteous TV suggesting guru status. Yeah, I did. Well, it is June 2022 and things have fucking changed. We've all discovered that you're a basic bitch who likes basic movies. Fuck off. who likes basic movies.

Fuck off. I've also recommended some fucking belters, though. Name a single one. Ted Lasso. I haven't seen it. No, but. Oh, Only Murders in the Building, that was mine. Hacks, that was mine.

I've recommended lots of good shit. Fuck you. Let me actually, this was for. What was the last thing that you recommended that was actually good? Oh, just most of them. Oh, mate, fuck off. Now, this is actually a comment I'm going to read out on Wednesday's show from the little woot, because we're going to talk about your fact coming up in a few days

and the future of your fact segment. Yep. Our little woot. After these terrible facts and the hate crime that was not loving a night's tale, I'm now Team Ryan. Okay, see ya. Stefano said it's Pride Week and hating a night's tale is a hate crime and homophobic.

True or false? Yeah, true. However, considering these hate crimes that you've made, nothing has sent the internet harder than you learning to use soap in real time in this very studio. See, I've got good parts about me. Some clean parts about you? Well, yeah.

Just a refresher. Okay. What did you believe everyone did with soap? So I thought that you moved, like that if you used a bar of soap, that you moved it about your body wherever you wanted the soap to go. But I learned that what you are actually supposed to do or what some people do is hold the bar of soap, like rub it between your hands, lather your hands up

and then use your hands to spread the soap around. Some other people have suggested, because literally 10 million people have watched that video. Which is insane. Which is ridiculous. And embarrassing. A lot of opinions from a lot of places. Yeah.

That you lather up like what I would describe as the outer of your body, you know, chest, back. And then once your body's lathered, you kind of go from there with the hands. Move it around. Move it around a little bit. But the overwhelming feedback is the washcloth. Well, or a loofah. A loofah.

Yeah. So in the podcast, I explicitly said I use. I don't recall. I use like liquid soap on a loofah. but if I were to use a bar of soap, that's what I would do. And then all the comments are like, what a dirty bitch. Why isn't she using a loofah? You need to exfoliate, fucking whatever.

TikToks and reels can only be so long, so we may have had to scrap all of the context. No, and that's fine. I would just like to say that any new listeners that have potentially come from the fucking 50,000 billion people that have watched that TikTok. You think you're a gross bitch? I use liquid soap and a loofah and I'm not putting soap

in my vagina because that was like, oh, you shouldn't be putting soap in your vagina or in your. Did you get a lot of messages because, like, apparently it dries you out and it's not good and it's the wrong bite to your... I've had people saying, can you just tell Tony about her vagina? No.

I don't. What I was saying is that you use the soap, put it in and around wherever you're putting it. I mean, you're pretty clear in your inferences. I have a question because, obviously, for vagina havers, you're not supposed to put soap inside your fanny. What's the go with penises?

We don't put soap in our penises. No, but, like, can you use soap, like, around your, like, your ballies? Yeah, and I would highly suggest that you do and clean it well because it can be a stanky area. But you put soap in there and that's all good? Well, again, you wouldn't be putting soap in there. You would be lathering up your hands or the area and then, you know, doing what you've got to do.

But because you're not supposed to put soap near a vagina at all. Right. So I'm asking, do you put soap, like, in between your legs and stuff? Yeah, I think so. I think so. I don't think it has the, you know, dry out and bad things happen that vaginas have. Because I was like, you've got a few more creases.

I'm so disappointed that no one can see the hand gestures you are using to try and explain this. You're like an Italian nun using your hands to tell the story. Like gesticulating a lot. Yeah, because that's what I wondered after that. But anyway, yes. How does it feel to have 10 million people to be discussing your vagina and arsehole?

You know what? It's another listener. Fucking welcome. If that's what we've got to do. I have a question. Question. For the 8 million people who suggested the washcloth. Yeah.

Is like, A, great idea. Sure. But. But. How often do you then, who cleans the cleaning cloth? The washcloth. No. Okay. So I started Googling. The washcloth. No. Okay.

So I started Googling. The washcloth has probably seen some things. Well, yeah. Like a lot of things. A bit like the towel at the barber, isn't it? I mean, how many people was that written? Well, exactly. So after reading all the comments, I was like, well, I personally use a loofah.

And then I saw somebody post that if you use a loofah, you should, like, boil it after every time you use it. What? Who's got time for that? We've got jobs, mate. Exactly. We've got places to be. But you can't just keep buying them because that's, like,

awful for the environment because it's plastic. And you're going to get a new loofah every time you shower. That's ridiculous. Apart from it being terrible for the environment, who can fucking afford to spend $60 on loofahs a month? I already spend too much time in Chemist Warehouse. How good is Chemist Warehouse, can I just say? It's fucking fantastic.

I actually love it. They've got the nail stuff, they've got makeup, they've got vitamins, they've got medicine, fucking everything. Fucking rate it. If you need a snack, go in there and pretend you want a protein bar. Oh, yeah, I'm on my fitness because it's just a chocolate bar. Yeah. It's just a chocolate bar.

Then you're coming out of a Chemist. Oh, it's a health food. That guy must be fit and healthy. Yeah, because they've got, like, cookie dough and shit. Yeah, it's fucking unreal. It's just a chocolate bar. Yeah. It's just a chocolate bar. Then you're coming out of a chemist. Oh, it's a health food. That guy must be fit and healthy. Yeah, because they've got, like, cookie dough and shit. Yeah, it's fucking unreal. It's so good. Oh, this cookie dough's got an extra 1% protein. Okay, yeah, sure, mate.

You had me at protein. You had me at cookie dough. Fucking pour it in. Fill me back up from the workout I did three years ago. Glucagel jelly beans. So fucking good. Yeah. Anyway.

Actually, no. Get a new loofer every day. Get a new loofer every day. Get a new loofer every day. Good excuse to go. Go to Kenna's Warehouse. But just insane. Literally insane. I read that if you use a washcloth, you should have one for every day.

So you use it once and then pop it, like, in the washing basket and wash them all on the weekend. But I know myself. You know, if this is on the weekend and using it. But I know myself. If, you know, if this is a time for self-reflection, I know myself. I'm not going to do that. And you know what? And then I'm going to get, it's just going to be worse. Anyone who says they're cleaning their washcloth every time they use it,

you know who they are? You're a fucking liar. You're a fucking liar through your face. Go to jail. Wash your mouth out with soap because you're lying. That was a hot thing to say. Thank you. Yep.

Thank you. My grandma used to say that. Oh, bless her. Yeah. She's still alive. I was about to say that. She's still doing quite well. So it's fair to say it's been a pretty involved week

in the comment section, right? It's been a pretty hot and heavy week. I've loved it. Yeah. I didn't know that me not knowing how to wash myself, supposedly, on the internet. In the podcast, I do know how to, but in TikTok and Reels, let's just assume that I don't.

You don't, mate. If I had have known that, I would have talked about all the other shit I don't know long ago. Hey, we're about to go five days a week, mate. We've got plenty of time for all the shit you don't know. This is one of the most interesting posts in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. Just search for Tony and Ryan on Facebook. There's a whole group of us fucking idiots together having a great time.

The link is also in the show notes. This is from Jared Harris. And straight off the bat, I don't know how I feel about this, as I put in the comments. Tony Lodge is the best rapper of our generation. I've always said that, says Jared. I've heard him say that before previously. So after that rap in the last episode,

I was inspired to write her a new rap. Let me know what you think. And then he sent through the lyrics and people have just fucking lost it. Yeah. Although I will say there was a call from Tony Lodge to end the Facebook group because no further posts are required. Never post anything ever again. This is one.

This is amazing. Now, the lyrics are quite great. They are fantastic. They are very good. Jarek's done a really good job. Yeah. And it's to the tune. I mean, if you've been on TikTok or Instagram Reels,

you know, you've seen Louis Theroux doing this funny rap and he's written it to the tune of this. Now, I don't want to be mean. A few people in the comments, because he didn't say, oh, it's to the tune of. Oh, I just assumed. It's quite obvious. Oh, yeah.

Because it's written perfectly. Oh, yeah. Someone goes, if you did the rap that he's written to the tune of that Louis Theroux song, it totally works. You should try that as well. God. Fucked fact for them. Pretty sure that's what happened.

Spoiler alert. I'm pretty sure that's what Jared was going for. Can I read you my response? Because I still feel the same way. Right in your own gear. You want to read out your own comment. Yep. I can't even fucking find it because it's buried in everything else. Bro, you literally just had it open. response because I still feel the same way. Right in your own gear. You want to read out your own comment. Yep. I can't even fucking find it because it's buried in everything else. Bro, you literally just had it open. Yeah, I've got the thing.

There's 50,000 comments on that thing. Oh, you're flapped. You're flapped today. You're flapped today. Please don't yell at me. Do you need a minute to deflap? No. Okay.

Are you in a bad mood? Am I not something to fuck you up? I've never hated anything more. However, I cannot continue living my life until I have heard this rap. I'm glad you said that. Yeah. Because I've been practicing. Have you?

Without any further ado. All right. MC Tony Lodge to the moot. Yo, yo. Let's do this. I am normally a freelancer. A freestyler. So we're giving it a go. A free... A freelancer.

Do you want me to hype man you or just get out of your way? Mate, you do what you feel. Let's do it! Here we go. T-Lodge, Louis Theroux, let's go, 2022. My money don't run out, run out, for sure. That's what my financial team is for. I've never been to Hollywood, would you know.

Eat and fuck a chia, you know you'll love to see it. Five foot two in a hot ass denim jacket. Using bar soap to watch my crack. I got a fact that will blow your mind. It's the middle of the night. Oh! Yeah! And those in post.

Woo! That is impressive. Now we can continue living our life. Fuck. How's that? You know what? You'll have to see it. What happened to you just then?

Oh, your little mixing then. That was all live. That was very impressive. You should do radio. Well, I've got some news on Thursday. What is it? I've already said too much. What do you love to see this week, Toni?

Oh, my God, I'm so excited. Okay, so I saw this story and I'm sure that you saw it. It got shed into the group a couple of times, I think. But at a Domino's in Sydney, they got a call, one of their stores got a call asking if Bitey the T-Rex had been left in the waiting room. So a little person had left their toy dinosaur at the Domino's when they were waiting for their pizza.

Anyway, the store said Bitey is safe and they're being looked after. They gave Bitey a little name badge and they made the dinosaur a little hat out of gaffer tape. And then they posted this series. This is all on their Facebook, by the way. They posted a series of photos of Bitey, like, putting pasta sauce, putting pizza sauce on and then folding up the pizza box.

Well, I know this is supposed to be cute. And taking orders on the phone. It's so fucking cute. I know it's supposed to be cute, but I actually disagree with this. It seems like unpaid labour. He's working hard on the floor. They put him in a uniform. Poor guy.

I thought that was so fucking cute. Can I just say another small shout out? Whoever's running fucking Domino's social media, they fucking deserve a hefty fucking pay rise. So, as you know, I was flirting with Domino's. On TV. On the Facebook, yes. On the Facebook the other day.

Oh, you're going to fucking hate this because you hate the platform. It's on LinkedIn. I linked in with the head of social media of Dominoes. Did you? Literally just to say, hey, mate, you're doing a great job. Mate. She's killing it. Love to see that.

Same wavelength, you and I. Pizza. Yeah. But, yeah, I thought that was so fucking cute. What have you loved to see today? Tony, what's your stance on high fives? Hate them. Okay, let me read this.

Famously hate them. Famously hate high fives. This is a tweet from Dan's story that broke my heart this morning. My non-verbal autistic daughter reached her hand out to mine. Have you got it on your computer? I've got the same fucking story. Well, let me continue. My non-verbal autistic daughter reached out her hand to mine and said,

high five. And it was the first time in years and years, well, really since ever, since she was born five years ago that she'd spoke. So that just might be the single most incredible moment of my life, said this very proud dad on Twitter. How many tweets and retweets has it had in likes? Well, when I saw it, it had 63,000 likes, yeah. I replied to it this morning.

I said, Tony Lodge will hate this. Ryan? What do you notoriously famously hate? I hate high fives. Yeah. As if you think that if that gorgeous little girl... How gorgeous is she? She's got this, like, bright orange-red hair.

She's, like, a gorgeous, gorgeous kid. As if I would deny her a high five. What did you say 38 seconds ago? That I hate high fives. Well, I just replied Tony Lodge will hate this story, so I don't know what people will assume. Ryan! Anyway, tomorrow, things you can say parking the car

and also in the bedroom. Who's flapped now, Tony? How d'mell you? Oh. Should I delete it? Should I have included your last name? Did you tag me? No.

Okay, good. Can't find me. That's fine. Love you, bye.