Toni and Ryan - The Dessert Police

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

Things you can say while you're cleaning the house and also in the bedroom, and a pun to overtake all puns!!! Love ya, Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Is this Tony and Ryan calling from Australia? No, this is actually Jennifer calling from Telstra. I'm just wondering if you're happy with your long-distance phone plan. Oh, my gosh. I totally panicked because I answered the same way to the last call and it wasn't you. That was real awkward.

Who was it last time? It was my college. I haven't been in school for years and they were calling. She was so sweet. She's like, no, I'm from OSU. You haven't paid your tuition from 2017. We're just chasing up a bill.

My bad. I'm Adeline and I approve this college degree. Lord knows I paid enough for it. Singers is finally the right people that called you. Would you mind approving this podcast? Not at all. I definitely approve this podcast. This is Adeline from Oregon and I approve this podcast.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. How was your Valentine's Day night? It was excellent. Yeah? I had a dentist appointment. Oh. Oh, so we've talked on the news. Yeah.

That's nice, actually. We had a great time. Yeah. Definitely didn't, when I was like, oh, just book me in for You know mid-Feb You just never think about it No you really don't But I know that you and Bridget Don't really do V-Day

We don't either Like it's not a big thing in our house I tell you what Should have got me brownie points But didn't Why? When I was on TV On the morning show last week

Yeah They said Ryan what do you normally do For Valentine's Day And I said Oh we don't really do much Because when you're married what do you normally do for Valentine's Day? And I said, oh, we don't really do much because when you're married to Bridget, every day is Valentine's Day. I would have thrown up. Well, Bridget was just like, ugh. Bridget was like, I didn't

catch it. I was at work. Yeah, she was like, I didn't watch, but everyone on TV was like, oh, it's my mom. That's nice. Playing it up for the cameras, mate. They were laughing it up. They were laughing it up. Nice. But it really was another day. Yeah. Which is sad. I don't know. No, it's not sad. It's just like it's normal.

Anyway. We all know, well, if you're new to the podcast, you might not know this, but Tony has not one but a whole team of finance advisors and managers because she's doing all right. And it occurred to me on the way to the studio today. That's not true. That's fake news.

It's character assassination. and it occurred to me on the way to the studio today. That's not true. That's fake news. It's character assassination. This is going to prove how like just out of just, yeah. What the fuck? What day of the week do you go and fill up your car?

Because obviously we know which days are the cheaper days with the petrol, so which day do you go? I just go whenever it needs to be filled up. Fucking righto. Righto? Well, when you need fuel, you need fuel. Because most people, you don't even know the concept of the cheaper days, let alone which days are cheaper.

Are they actually cheaper days? What do you mean? How is it cheaper? Fuel costs the same as fuel. It's fuel, it's fuel, it's fuel on a Monday or a Saturday. It's the same. Isn't it? It changes every single day. Are you serious? And the fact that you don't even know that shows that you're just so blasé with your cash because you got so much of it. It's not even an issue for you. No, it's because I literally never use my car. So earlier, Tony comes and picks me up and goes, oh, sorry, I'm late.

You weren't late, by the way. No, I didn't say sorry I'm late. I was like, oh, I had a spare three minutes. I need to get fuel. You had to get fuel. And you said, I barely, so Tony and I live like 500 metres from each other. Yeah, we're very close. And she goes, I barely even made it here because I almost ran out of petrol.

I was so low, the light almost came on. out of petrol, I was so low the light almost came on. So the light comes on when you've got... Every car's different, mate. Every car's different. My car, when the light comes on, it means it's out. The light comes on when you've got, like, 60 kilometres to go? No, it does not. It so does.

It's different for every car. So people that listen to the pod know that I don't want to like this. I don't want to character assassinate you. No, you fucking already have. So just go right ahead. You are someone that likes to avoid stress and you don't like to, like you worry a lot. Yes.

And so when I found out that you had never let your car, like when the light turns on, you're like, stop everything! Well, it's only come on once and it was today. I've had the car since, I said this yesterday, I bought the car brand new. Yeah, I know. Yes, it is very nice. Yeah, very fucking nice.

I bought the car brand new in 2013. I've had it all that time. So what's that, almost 10 years? And you've seen the light come on once. Yep, and it was today. And just to show the stress in Tony's life, you're like, I barely even made it here. The light was on.

Oh, because the fucking, no, the fucking fuel light is for people that, like, miss flights and don't do a full food shop and just go, I'll just go to Coles and just figure it out, okay? That's not me. That's not the life I want to live. I want to have fuel. I want to have a fridge full of food and I'm going to buy fuel whatever fucking day I need it.

And I'm going to get to the airport 70 minutes before my flight every time, okay? Tony also said it was way more expensive to fill up. Maybe the prices are up. And I said, well, they are a little bit, but also it seems that you normally fill your tank up when it gets under half, so you've never actually filled up a full tank before. Yep. So, fucking egg on

my face. Costs more the longer you leave it. I don't know why everyone says it's cost $60 to fill up. Every time I fill up, it's like $7. I don't know what they're doing. Alright, lots of people find our podcast from the videos in the bedroom. Yes. Like seven bucks? Yeah. I don't know what they're doing. All right. Lots of people find our podcast from the videos in the bedroom.

Yes. And this week, things you can say whilst cleaning and also in the bedroom. This one was suggested by Kiara Farrell on our Facebook group. Thank you so much, Kiara. Good job. Do we have any clean cloths? Don't use a dirty one.

Oh, you've washed the rug. It was pilling. Yucky. This is so fucking dirty. Thanks. I sounded really sexy there. This is so fucking dirty. Ooh. Thanks. I sounded really sexy there. Oh, my God, fucking Valentine's Day round two. Do you think you would be a great, like, phone sex operator lady?

I think I've got the voice for it, but I don't think I have the sexual confidence. Confidence or competence? Either. Confidence or competence? Either. I always make sure I get right into the cracks. It is the most effective way to do it.

Oh, no use crying over spilt milk. Fair bit of dust in here. When was the last time someone came here? Mate, we all know you've got a cleaner that comes every week. Fortnightly. Or that needs a clean. It stinks like cheese. Have you ever had to say that? No.

No. No, you'd never say it because the second you got a whiff, you'd go, okay, see you later. I almost swore. You did. This is going to be hard for me to get out, and that's not one of them. This is going to be hard for me to get out, and that's not one of them. Oh, I was expecting the old spray and wipe.

It looks like we're doing the spit and polish. Pudding! Oh, dusty. This one needs an explainer. Okay. The best ones are the ones with the caveats at the beginning. This is when you've got a vacuum cleaner that's, like, pretty old and doesn't work very well anymore. Nice.

Yeah. AKA me. The dodgy old vacuum. Why aren't you sucking it properly? You knew where it was going, but it was still very good. Yeah, well done. Oh, that is going to need a lot of elbow grease. Pass it back here.

If you're trying to do something properly, you've just got to do it yourself. Pass it back? Do you take the penis off? Here you go. Thanks, mate. I'll take it from here. We'd make long-distance relationships easier.

Yeah, a lot. When was the last time we did this? I need you to just close your eyes and talk amongst yourself for a second. Oh, okay. I just need to arrange something. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.

Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Ow! Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do. Okay. Meow, meow, meow. This hasn't worked as I planned.

Okay, good. But let me just say. Yeah. It looks so gross down there. Oh. I've had to put gloves on. And for those who can't see, I apparently only got small gloves that don't really fit.

See you later, mate. See you tomorrow. Oh, my God. I don't even know how to describe this. You've got, like, fists in the bottom because the hands are all floppy. I didn't realise they were a size small glove. You look like a waving, inflatable, wacky, inflatable, arm-failing-tube man. It is best to wear protection, though, so good call. I am doing visual prop gags from now on.

For this podcast. Great job. Careful, floor's wet. It fucking will be. Oh, it smells like something crawled up here and died. I think we've got mice. When I lived in Canberra. Yes.

The house you just sold? Yep. Mazel Tov. When I did the Ryan and Tanya show in Canberra, we interviewed a doctor for something. There was like some medical thing. Some medical thing? Oh, but you get a doctor's opinion on it.

It was something in the news about health. Anyway, we caught up with him at a bar later and he turned out to be like the funniest guy. Hang on. You interviewed a doctor on the radio and then you caught up later? What the fuck? Canberra's a very small town. And he's in Braddon, which was a new hip area.

And he said once a week a patient would come in with something stuck in their arse. Good for them. Well, not good for them because it was stuck and they had to go to the doctor. But he said he never is like, how did you get it there? Why are you doing it? He was just like, yep, okay, here's what we'll do.

And he's like the stories they came up with. Oh, yeah, I fell and the water bottle just went up there. He's like, yeah, so I was driving my car and I had to slam on the brake and the fucking, I ended up on the gear stick and like, you know, all this kind of stuff. But in that situation, you're just going to do anything to detract from how fucking embarrassed you are. Yeah.

Because you're going to the doctor because something's up your bum. No shame on putting things up your bum. I don't give a fuck. But you would be very embarrassed to go and say, like, look, I've got a fucking vitamin water stuck up my ass. But he was at the point where he was like, do you think it's more comforting? Say this is the most awkward, embarrassing, horrifying thing in your life, right? Like imagine going to the doctor and something's stuck in your ass.

Yeah. Would you feel more at ease if the doctor goes, hey, mate, to be honest, this actually happens all the time? Yeah. Because you're like, ease if the doctor goes, hey, mate, to be honest, this actually happens all the time. Yeah. Because you're like, oh, it's not just me. I'm not that one time that weird thing happens. He's like, twice a week someone comes in here. Yeah.

I'm not going to ask any questions. Let's just take care of you and you'll be on your way. Yeah. No, you would 100% rather that because I think that when you're walking into the doctor, you're like, this doctor is going to tell this story at every dinner party they go to for the rest of their life. No. Because that's what you think.

You think no one's ever had them. Yeah. You'd see that many penises. They'd all blur together. Yeah. Like me. Oh, we might need something a little bit stronger to get through this. It's being pretty stubborn.

Might have to work up a sweat rubbing this one out. You know when you've got a stain in the carpet and you just won't get off the floor? Yeah, yeah. You want it to get off. The floor. Oh, sorry. Yeah, my mistake.

Now, this week's approver, Adeline. You would have heard her earlier. Let's get her back on the phone real quick because, Adeline, I believe you had something to say about Tony. Yes, I think. What did you put in the message when you messaged me to organise the approval? Oh, no. I said that I was just likeony except for i'm late for everything and my

car is clean oh okay no all right i'm exactly like tony except the opposite of the one thing she hates the most yeah about being late but also my car is clean because i paid seven thousand dollars to clean it last Christmas. And if you really cared about me, Adeline, you would know that. I, for the record, am not that wealthy. I don't have a financial team. So I have to clean my car myself. Yeah, so you're nothing like Tony at all.

Get your story straight. my car myself. Yeah, so you're nothing like Tony at all. Get your story straight. Although, although, Tony, big deal. We just did a, like, late holiday celebration with Secret Santas, and my husband's daughter, Caressa, who you'll be talking to

later next month, she's an approver too, she was my Secret Santa, and she got me a Frank Green water bottle. Okay, you're back on the good list, Adeline. We're fans again. We like you again. You're back on the billboard with us.

Thank God. I'm back in tarp. Okay, I'm ready. Okay, go. Okay. Yeah, when you're ready. Oh oh how embarrassing okay i'm ready sorry you've just done 20 how do you guys do this every day i clearly am struggling okay. Here we go. Round two. This is Adeline from Oregon and I approve this podcast. Wait.

Oh, shit. What was I supposed to say after that? No. Right. I listen to this every day. I shouldn't have it together by now. Okay. Here we go.

Round two. This is Adeline from Oregon and I approve this podcast. And you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Oh, no. Is it? Oh, my God. Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. Oh, I don't know. Why? Oh, my gosh. I haven't even been drinking. Okay. Okay. All right.

Take 54. All right. Yeah, exactly. This is Adeline from Oregon And you're listening to Tony and Ryan Yay Tomorrow on the show, I'd almost say an investigation into the pork sword. And if you don't know what we're talking about,

I'm going to put it out there. One of the great threads and comments and comments and posts in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group. It's very funny. It's about the pork sword and I lost my shit reading the comments. That's tomorrow on the show. But a big thank you first off to our champion tapas, just a couple of them of course, Beth Boja, Ahmed,

Abby Hillier and Alexander Lang. Thank you so much for buying our exclusive content. If you want to check it out, you can. Patreon.com slash Tony and Ryan. Now, Tony, I know you should never ask this of a lady. How old are you? 28. Right.

Oh, yeah, 28, 28. And what body of wealth, what body of knowledge have you gained over your 28 years? Not a lot. More than you, probably. But, well, I saw this tweet the other day, right, and it's from BigDyke underscore energy on Twitter. Good for you.

BigDyke energy. Yeah. Did anybody else have that rumour in primary school that Macca's cheeseburger buns had so much sugar in them they had to put the pickle on it legally or it had to be called a dessert? Did you ever hear that? That does sound familiar.

Okay, so apparently it's just like, lol, there's no dessert laws, like that's not true. I have been telling people this my whole life. I have literally said to people, oh, do you know that they put the pickle on there because otherwise it's a dessert? What the fuck? First off, who do I think I am and why am I so fucking lame that I think that that's interesting?

No, that is interesting if it was true. If it was true, yeah. But it's so outrageous. When you hear the stat, fact, whatever you call it, you're kind of like, oh, it kind of makes sense. Because there is a lot of sugar in a cheeseburger. But then when you start thinking. Who is enforcing this? Who is the legal officer?

Is there a dessert police that come around and go, excuse me? They would put you in custody. Is there dessert police that come around and go, excuse me? They would put you in custody. All right, see you guys tomorrow. Yeah, see you later. Fucking Tony and Tony podcast. Oh, fuck me. They would put you in custody.

They would. And you would go to jail for breaking. You'd be in strifle. I reckon that's it for the day. Thank you so much for listening. Is there anything else we need to really say? I don't think so. I don't think so at all.

I mean, I was going to go into a thing that the other day I realised that your wife holds up her fingers to tell her left and right apart. She does not. Yes, she does. I asked her where the bathroom was on Friday night when we were out for dinner and she goes, just go around there and turn to the left. Yeah, to the left. I have never seen her do that.

And I was like, what, Bridget? And she was like, it's a thing, shut up. And I was like. Did you not know it was a thing? No, I know that it's a thing. We hold up your two fingers to make them L's and the one that's actually an L is the left. But what?

What? This lovely lady I went to school with, Holly. Yes. Hi, Holly, if you're listening. Hi, Holly. How would she help you now? She works on the Ningaloo Reef and she's an underwater photographer with the whales and shit.

Fuck, really? That's sick. That's a sick job. Do you reckon she could hook us up? I'd love to swim with a whale. She would. Yep, absolutely. I'll send her a message.

Probably not after I tell this story, though. Oh, okay. So she dropped me at the airport when we were younger and we were... What? Were you fucking? No. Okay. She was putting me on a plane to fly away from her.

But we... No. I mean, you don't just drop anyone at the airport. We were friends. I don't think I've ever dropped a friend at the airport. Well, you're not really a good friend then, are you? I'd drop you at the airport in any country. Are we doing that?

I want to. So I was like, yep, take a right here. And she goes, yep, you know, takes a right. And take a left here. And then she put both hands up with the owls and figures out, oh, yeah, take a right here. And she goes, yep, you know, takes a right. And take a left here. And then she put both hands up with the Ls and figures out, oh, yeah, left is that one. So she turns left. And I was like, oh, what are you doing?

She goes, oh, the L says that way and I'm not great with my left and right. Yeah. And I was like, oh, but when I said right before, you knew straight away. And she goes, I know right, I'm just not great with left. Okay, bitch, there's two. There's two. If you know one, you know both.

You know the other. So, yeah, she'll be hooking us up with a swim with the whales on the Ningaloo Reef. Yeah, we'll just hook a left if we can figure out how to get there. She lives in left Australia. Oh, that's fucking funny. I was shocked when your wife did that. I was like, Bridget.

I'm shocked to hear that. Bridget Rodder, are you sure? And she was just like, shut up. And I was like, okay. I didn't know that. She'll love that I've told the story on the podcast. Yeah, she'll fucking hate that. She's not going to take us to Ningaloo Roof either.

I know I asked you earlier how old you were. Yes, 28. So, you know on a game show when they introduce the contestants and they're like, Ryan John, radio announcer, 34. Yes. Tony Lodge, audio producer, 28. Yeah. That sounded good.

Thank you. There's a guy on Jeffney at the moment who's like the carryover champion. He's living the absolute dream. He was introduced on TV as a stay-at-home uncle. That sounds like a great job. Are you joking? Are they hiring? I'll do it.

Right? And the lady who's hosting, she used to be on The Big Bang Theory. Oh, Kaley Cuoco? No, the other one. Oh, the smart one. Yes, because Jeopardy. What's her name? She was on Blossom.

Did you ever watch Blossom? Yeah, she's great. I love that fucking show. I'm so sad for us if we can't remember her name. Mayim Bialik. Well, she had to keep a straight face and say, stay-at-home uncle from Florida. I like that.

I like that a lot. That's very sassy. I like to see that. And I just like the, you know, he's probably got a really successful fucking business that ticks away and he doesn't have to do anything and he's rich as. Really?

Yeah. Good for him. My love to see it today is that we have made it to Russia. What? Okay. So I got a message from a girl on Instagram, Matilda underscore Ren, R-E-N, and she tagged me in a story. She tagged you as well.

You probably didn't see it because I know that you get a lot of messages. Tagged me in a story, and it all was in Russian, and I hit translate, and it said, I love these two even though my friends don't understand English. And I said, I'm so sorry that your friends don't understand us, but thank you for sharing. And she said, hello, thank you so much. I actually translate your videos to Russian.

What? And so she's got all of these of our reels and she's done a voiceover and, like, redone them. Can we hear this? Yes, yes, we absolutely can. Look at them all. There's nine at the moment that she's made. Oh, my God.

So, now bedroom. Can you just open your mouth and say, ah? Can you just open your mouth and say, ah? Sorry. That was a lot. Sorry, I just said that was really funny. But when you do that, don't look me in the eye. So, do you want me to try it again? So it's really, it's so cool. That is unbelievable.

Yeah, so she does like a little Russian voiceover so that other people can hear them. I love to see that. I love to see that. I love to see that. I love to hear that. It's so cool. Hey, so thank you so much, Matilda, for doing that. And if, for instance, you are listening in English,

like you understand English but speak another language and you do that stuff, tag us because we love to see it. It's so fucking cool. Someone told me that they use our podcast to learn English and I was like, do not recommend. Oh, no. I'd listen to any other podcast. All right, we'll chat to you tomorrow.

To meow-o. I love to listen to Meow Donna. No? Okay, cool. I'll come back around tomorrow. Are you doing that because someone said, I can't believe Tony hasn't done Meow Donna yet? Yeah, they asked me to do it.

You already have. I'm listening to the fans. What do you mean I already have? I'm pretty sure the Meow Donna was one of the first. Oh, are you calling her a liar? See you tomorrow. To Meowro.