Toni and Ryan - The Dullest Podcast

Episode Date: September 15, 2024

dull dull DULL (sorry) LOVE YOU!!!!!! Toni xoxoxCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author, bestselling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. Now we are calling Armadale. Armadale? In WA or Armadale in Melbourne?

Or is there an Armadale in fucking Brazil or something that I haven't heard of? I'm sure there is. There's an Armadale in New South Wales. Yes. And we are calling, I assume, the Perth one? We'll be able to tell from the voice because of the time difference. It'll be really early in Perth at the moment. All right.

After she says one word. Yep. We'll back it in. Then we'll guess. Yep. What's their name? You didn't tell me their name. Hilary.

Hilary. Hello. G'day, Hilary. How's our armadale in WA going? New South Wales. New South Wales. Yeah, it's one in New South Wales. Ah, yes.

We were placing bets on which armadale it was, Hilary. Oh, my goodness. I can't believe I'm talking to you. I'm very excited. Oh, Hilary, we're way more excited. What are you up to today? I'm just at work. What do you do for work, Hilary?

I'm a library assistant at my university. Oh, my God. That sounds so smart. Now, I believe Hilary also has a joke about her hometown of Armadale. Is that correct? And Hilary, lay it on us. The tarpers are rubbing their hands, leaning in and going, oh, here we go. We love a local joke.

Here we go. Tourism in Armadale is all about you come here and you sit down at one of our parks and you think, oh, why didn't I go to Bondi? It's not a joke. It's just a sick bit. Let me tell you, Hilary, that could be the tourism farm in Perth as well. Hilary, that could be the tourism for Armadale in Perth as well. Hilary, will you approve today's podcast?

Absolutely. You've nailed that, Hilary. You've nailed it. Hi, it's Hilary from Arm, Sophie and I have a running joke and Tony doesn't get it. So we were talking about Tina Arena, the Australian singer. And then Sophie goes, oh, you might know her sister Sally Stadium. And I don't know who that is.

I've never heard their songs before. Have you heard Theresa Theatre? No. And then you started talking about Pink. Well, I was like, oh, have you seen Pink before? Like big singers. Because I don't know who Sally Stadium is.

And then I started talking about Comedy Club Carl. Yeah. Oh, well, have you heard of like Carl Barron? I don't know. Do you actually not get it? A comedian? I don't know who Sally Stadium is. And I feel really bad because am I, like, offending people

that I don't know who this, like, huge star is? They're not offended. Oh. She's not offended, babe. Oh. I don't get it. No, I actually don't get it. Hang on.

Where, who else would be friends with them, Soph? Darren MCG. Yep. Sally Stadium's not a person. It's about the stadium. Tina Arena. Sally Stadium. Comedy Club.

Do you get it? But pink, though pink though oh it was like people that perform in arenas i don't know so before we even started recording tony felt really bad that she just like ignored sally stadium's great career i was like oh my god is she a queer icon like who is she like i've never it sounds like a bit of a drag queen name, doesn't it? Like, oh, Sally Stadium. So I was like, oh, I've been sleeping on Sally Stadium. Yeah, but imagine though if I wasn't so comfortable with not knowing stuff and I was like, oh, I loved her second album. And you guys were like, oh, no, that's not a person.

So who else would they be friends with? They'd be friends with Jono GMHPA Stadium. Yeah. He does have a great second album. Yeah. Yeah. Be friends with Samantha Optus Stadium. A little wordy, but yeah.

And they would also know. So now you know who Therese and Theodore is. Gerald Sphere from Las Vegas. I'm not very good at it. No. It's actually cool. Once you do the first two, they're actually. I liked Darren MCG. That's not alliteration. No. It's actually cool. Once you do the first two, they're actually. I liked Darren MCG.

That was fun. That's not alliteration. No. No, none. No. Going from that great news, I've actually got some bad news. Oh, worse than that for me. Sally Stadium has sadly passed away.

Well, you were there, Tony. You witnessed it firsthand. And I'm sorry that this includes you as well as me, but we're officially old. This is not good news. On the weekend, Tony was around at my place. My mate Benji was there as well. We're having some pizza.

The first time I met Benji, I liked him. Did you? Yeah, he's a good guy. I grabbed some plates for everyone having pizza. And Benji goes, oh, these plates are really heavy. And then what did you say, Tony? And I grabbed one and I went, oh, my God, they're beautiful. And at the exact same time, both of us turned the plate over

to like see where it was from. And you both went, Robert Gordon. And we all went, we are so sad and old. I went on. What happened to us? I've seen Benji do some unspeakable shit. Yeah. He's seen me do some, I've seen you.

And here we are talking about the weight of a plate. And the funny thing, like it was a choreographed fucking dance. Both of us flipped the plate over at the same time. Robert Gordon. Robert Gordon. And Bridget goes, yeah, did you know they're made in Australia? I went, I didn't know that. And she goes, yeah.

And we're having a conversation. And I got them on sale. Oh, really? How much off? They deliver? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then I went, that's one's quite heavy.

So then I decided to pick up the stack of plates. And I went, oh, wow, they're hefty, aren't they? And Bridget goes, yeah, they weigh down the dishwasher. And I said, oh, don't you hate that when the basket's too heavy, you can't move it. It's actually true though. When you put it at the back and the front flips up. Yes, the front flips up.

And we're having this like completely genuine dull as fuck conversation. Yeah. Are we old or are we dull? Oh, maybe both. If you have to ask, it is both. It is both. There is actually an existing thread about how we've realized we're old or is it old people moments or something like what was it called yeah old people traits old people

traits traits yeah and um i would just like to add a couple of my own that i've just after that moment you know what the glass is shattered you've done a few moments yeah yeah and i'm actually pretty embarrassed about this first one. No, it's not embarrassing. And if you've got an old moment, please share them in the thread, the episode or the old people trait. Because, hey, we can all grow up together. It's all fine.

So university, new subject coming up, last one of the year. Second last one. Fucking who's can. A bunch of reading to start the subject. Bring us up to speed. And I go to turn the page and I went, I put my finger to my tongue to dampen it so I could get a crisp turn of the page. And literally as I did, Tony's looking at me strange.

And I deserve it. She's not wrong. I'm just, that's what she's doing. And then did you go cut a coupon out and, like, have dinner at fucking 4 p.m.? What the fuck? As someone with a young child, the dinner at 4 p.m. is actually pretty common. Do you know what's great about having dinner at 4 p.m.?

Yeah. You have dinner again at, like, 8 or 9. Yeah. So you've had dinner, then you go, oh, a little piece of toast wouldn't hurt. You go, well, if you're doing a piece of toast, you might as well do a toasted sandwich. You go, we don't have any soup or something, do we?

You dip a little bit of cheese toast into some tomato soup. You are right about the second dinner. It's one of the great dinners. It's one of the forgotten meals. But the thumb lick for a page turn. What are you fucking working in a post office? Like that is insane. So actually the moment my finger touched my tongue, I went, right.

It's happened. Terrible. Now, Bridget and I are like watching The Block. I know you're not a Channel 9 guy. Don't say that. Don't say that loudly. I don't like Channel 9. I think it's too dark.

It's too blue, I believe is what you said. No, no, no, no. It's too dark. I don't like that the channel's just got the wrong energy for me. I'm a seven girl through and through, but channel 10's a bit fun, isn't it? But I'm not a channel. I don't like channel nine. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I love Hitchy. Who doesn't? Yeah, but like Is it my parents' wedding? He lasted longer than that did.

He breeds dogs. It was at my parents' wedding. He lasted longer than that did. He breeds dogs. Isn't that so fun? Yeah. What a legend. Yeah, it's just, I don't like it. Does any other city in Australia have their six o'clock newsreader be a gay man that breeds Dachshunds? Can any city top that?

Yeah, that's amazing. Can any city beat that? Because that's how we roll. And Hitch is such a sweetheart. He really is. For someone who's anti-Channel 9. Oh, no, but that's what I'm saying. Hitch is such a sweetheart. He really is. For someone who's anti-Channel 9. Oh, no. But that's why I'm saying Hitch is my one allowance.

Yeah. He's just such a sweetheart. But yeah, no, I'm a Channel 7 girl. All right. So The Block is on Channel 9. So that's why Tony's not familiar. But it's just every country. I've literally never watched a season of it.

Yeah. Every country would have something. It's a renovation show. Yeah. It's a renovation show. I reckon people would know what The Block is. So Bridget and I are watching season of it. Yeah. Every country would have something. It's just like a, it's a renovation show. Yeah. It's a renovation show. I reckon people would not look like this. So Bridget and I are watching this renovation show. Yep.

And this couple does a bathroom. It looks incredible. Oh. Looks incredible. And they're under a time crunch as well. Yeah. So you think, wow, imagine you've, sorry. Dull.

And no, trust me, folks, it gets real dull for me. Yeah. Bridget goes, oh, that would be a nightmare to clean. Oh. And the quote, why doesn't anyone design with cleaning in mind? Oh, Bridget. And I looked at her and I was like, you're right, getting behind that bathtub would be tough.

Oh, as if you'd ever fucking have to find out. For the cleaner. If it doesn't look great. I actually, oh, so I'm part of, I've talked about this before, that Mums Who Clean Facebook group. Yeah. And there's a bit of. Bridget's an admin.

Bridget owns the group. Yeah. But there is a bit of chat like people will post like their thing and go like, oh, how do I get this stain out of something? And in the background, you'll see their tiling. And people go, oh, used to have that tile. Absolute bugger to clean. Like wouldn't even dream of it.

Then they go, do you have any tips? And they're sharing tips about the thing that they're not even trying to clean. So that's Bridget's people. It really is. Because you know how now with tiles, subway tiles were big. Yeah, they're in our bar. I'm not a big fan.

I love subway tiles. Ours are like to the roof though. Right, yeah. So it's a bit too high for me. But now it's like those thin little skinny ones. Yeah, and they're the ones that it's like would be hard to clean. Bridget, oh, too much grout. Yeah, so much grout. Imagine the soap scum you would get in there. Like the cleaner. Oh, too much grout. Yeah, so much grout. Imagine the soap scum you would get in there.

Like the cleaner. Oh, God. Hardly not. Hang on. Tony, I'm going to put something out there. I don't have a cleaner, by the way. And you can say that we're not going to go down that path because I think once we go down this path,

it might be hard to come back. No, we will not renovate a house together. That's not what I was going to suggest and good because I agree. No way. You and me on the block? Nah, we would be a fucking nightmare because neither of us can do anything. Yeah, exactly. But we'd both have a great vision, but we wouldn't be good at it.

Dave Parsons and I applied for the block and we were like, got interviewed and filmed screen testing and stuff. Like we were right in the deep end. That's quite fun. Why didn't you end up getting through? We didn't get it. Oh. But here's the thing.

It was like between the two of us, I was like, yeah, so Dave's a builder and I'm like here. Yeah. But you're a bit of colour. And I was a bit of, so Dave's a builder and I'm like here. Yeah. But you're a bit of colour. You know, yeah, you're the personality hire. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but they, yeah, they're like no.

No. No. And it's sort of got coincidence chat energy. Uh-huh. Do we do a post, like a thread, and it's like tell us something dull? And I know we've done dull dads before what was that group was it dull men's club dull men's yeah yeah do we bring the dull men's club into i do like knowing dull things because often they're just so dull that it's enjoyable but is this but or are

we just pro-cleaning and we won't have a bar of thinking that it is dull? Because everything I've mentioned, we've all had something to say about it. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Oh. All right, check the Facebook group today and see what we decide. Yeah, see if we're dull. Hi, it's Hilary and you're listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

Emma Kelt. Good on you, Emma. Rachel Kost. Does it? What's her cousin? Rachel Stadium. Rachel Stadium. Rachel Stadium. Tina Arena.

Danny Iannuzzi. Thanks, Danny. Nay Nay, Demore, and Chelsea and Zara. They see me whip. They see me Nay Nay. They see me Demore. Chelsea and Zara broke uni students. Sorry.

Is their name? Yeah. I've spoken to Chelsea and Zara. They're good value. Is their name? Yeah. I've spoken to Chelsea and Zara. They're good value. So they're going Harvey's on a Patreon and said, I'm nine years old and poor. Yeah. But they're on the champion tier.

Champion tier. And they've sent through some good chat as well. Okay. I'll cop that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll cop that. A little bit dull, to be honest. We're continuing on the dull nature of this episode. Oh, great. Tuning. That's a big week coming that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll pop that. A little bit dull, to be honest. We're continuing on the dull nature of this episode.

Oh, great. Tuning. That's a big week coming up. Yeah. Looks of things. Fucking hold on to your hats, folks. What do you think? This is dull.

It is. What do you think is the worst noise in the world? I think. Because there's a correct answer. So this is not like open for discussion. There's an answer. Okay. I believe.

I don't know why, but the word squelch for me is not great. Well, squelch is like onomatopoeia, isn't it? Oh, don't start me with that word again. That'll send me. That sounds like what it is. Because that squelch sounds like squelch. So onomatopoeia means sounds what it says like because I would have thought if that would be the case then onomatopoeia would be onomatopoeia standing on a pier. Onomatopoeia being a French man

or Spanish maybe. Anyway as you were Oh no I've lost her. I've lost her. I'm going into the wormhole. Come back out. I've seen her go down. She's gone down the mine. I've seen the other side.

Yeah, calling the diggers to get her out of the mine. So, like, if the word is bam, like bam, that's the sound it makes. Right. Or like pow. Yeah. So, why do we say onomatopoeia for that? Because onomatopoeia. Onomatopoeia is the word to like and the meaning of the word onomatopoeia

is like does as a sound. But shouldn't it be an example of what it is? I see what you're saying. Yeah. The formation of a word from a sound associated with what is named like cuckoo like cuckoo is the sound but it's also what it's called or sizzle sizzle that's not what it sounds like a sizzle sounds like this that's wrong bad example that you sounded like you're on a matter pia i'm a matter pissing off a pee-ups. No, pee-er. Oh, he's a pee-er.

Pissing off a pee-er. Obviously, what I was getting at is. Wouldn't pissing off a pee-er just be a bit of a power move? No. Oh, God. Do you know what I hate? Guys pissing off pees? Yeah, I hate that, but it's just like reminding me of something

that I see a lot and I fucking think is so disgusting. Seeing people spit in public. It's pretty gross, though. Like when you're walking along and someone like fucking spits on the ground, like swallow it like a fucking adult. So what about when you see like in football there's a lot of spitting because they're running and puffing? It's the mouth guard, though, makes you spitty.

Yeah. So that's a bit different. But do you still watch that and go, come on, guys? No, that bothers me less when you see like the boys and girls running around doing sport. That's a bit different. But do you still watch that and go, come on, guys? No, that bothers me less when you see like the boys and girls running around doing sport. That feels a bit different. So when someone's walking down the street. There's just a man walking in front of me on the street and he spits on the ground. I'm like, surely not.

Yeah. No one's that busy. Yeah. Like you're fine. Is that your worst sound? No, it's not. Okay. Because.

Oh, can I share a quick story with everyone? Sure. Mabel in the last week, we're brushing. Okay. Because. Can I share a quick story with everyone? Sure. Mabel, in the last week, we're brushing her teeth. Oh. And she's got like two teeth. So it's just like. But I'm teaching it because I do. She's got like the front two, like top and bottom.

It's so cute. So dad, like I do bath and brushing the teeth. Yeah. And then handed a bridge who puts her down. Yeah. And so I do the tooth brushing. And then I've taught her that at the end, I like lean her forward and we both go.

And she doesn't know that she's spitting. She's just like making the sound. But it is adorable. That is very cute actually. That's so sweet. I go, come on. And she goes. So in that situation, that's not the worst sound in the world.

No. But I'll tell you what is. Okay. I think that universally, unequivocally, we have all decided that the worst sound in the world but i'll tell you what is okay i think that universally unequivocally we have all decided that the worst sound is your dog vomiting yeah yeah and that in the middle of the night yeah you hear that technical chat yeah we're not allowed to do that on the pod no well yeah we've been warned but fucking start your own podcast yeah um technical chat agree yeah but is it the sound of your dog vomiting or the sound of your dog about to vomit yeah that's exactly what i'm saying it's not quite the same thing yeah it's the the

you know how when the dog does that you fucking jump out of bed you piss over to wherever they are and you're just like trying to get them onto tile and off the fucking carpet whatever um so you're what new olympic sport or new way for tony and ryan to be olympians yes actually how quickly can you respond to a dog that's about to vomit if you put pippa and bron at the end of the 100 meter sprint and they're about to spew, watch us. Who's going to get this? Us or Usain Bolt. Probably us.

Probably us. Because if I've got to fucking clean it up. Are you standing on the rug? If I've got to clean that up and I've got those little tiles with all that grout, you know, I mean, what a fucking nightmare. Anyway, so on Friday morning, we were all awake and I was out in the kitchen and we just had breakfast and he was heading into the office sooner than me. And he goes, oh, I'm just going to, we'd had breakfast. Pippa had had breakfast and he goes, I'm just going to hop in the shower before I go to work.

I was like, awesome. shower before I go to work. I was like, awesome. So, he goes around and like, you know how there's like that inside light room, but the bathroom's kind of on the other side of the kitchen, but you can access it all kind of thing. Anyway, so, Pippa and I are sitting in the kitchen and I'm like fucking out on my phone or whatever. And Pippa literally, anyway, and I'm sitting there, I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. and she's on the floorboards. I'm like, it's okay. So I just bent down and, like, rubbed her tummy and was like, get it out. Like, all good. You didn't take her outside or something?

No, because I was like, you're safe here. There's no fucking carpet. But I'm like, you're okay, and I start rubbing her tummy and she's like, wah, wah. And I kneel down, I'm like, you're okay, bubba. Like, it's all right. Like, yep, get it out. Take her outside. I'm like, get out, whatever you need. Like, this is okay. I'm like, you're okay, bubba. Like, it's all right. Like, yep, get it out. Take her outside.

I'm like, get out whatever you need. Like, it's okay. I'm doing the gentle parenting. I can like hear the shower. I can hear the shower. He's gone. Yeah. I'm like a fucking butt out of hell.

Oh, no. Here he comes. Here he comes. Through the fucking house. At the top. Here he comes. Through the fucking house. At the top. Soaking wet. Throws her out the window. Soaking wet.

Sprints out like fucking skins on the floor. I was going to say those wet feet on the floor, but what are you flocking down the road? He's back. Like a fucking Formula One driver. The shower's still going. Yeah, he's hurt. He fucking pissed on that. He's hurt and he's off. So I raise you, you and I versus Usain Bolt versus naked wet tour.

Usain Bolt doesn't even get a medal. Ryan Bronze, Tony Silver and gold medal. It's three-legged torbs flying down the floorboards for gold. And he like fucking sprints down the thing. He's like, is she all right? I'm like. Are you? I'm like, yeah, she's okay.

And then she ended up being sick. She had a bit of grass in her vomit. So it's obviously she was like, I need to get something out. Torbs gets there naked and then she goes. Spews on those dirty little dogs. But anyway, yeah, like the vision though of him like sprinting. It was the funniest thing. Tony says that laughing, but there's going to be a lot of people,

the thought of a wet, naked Torbz fresh from the shower. Well, after that, he wasn't the only one wet, you know what I'm saying? Oh, sorry. Sorry. It's just a joke. It's just a joke. Wow. Anyway.

Yes. A little before work one eh you know what gets Tony going revved up for a good time a spewing dog that's fucked come on come on what is it come on come on what is it come on come on you have to now say your sins you might hear a beep right now you have to.

Oh, no. Pippa won't be the only bitch. I'll make this dog vomit. That's a lot for a man that you can vote for us in the australian podcast awards uh it is it is voting base listener choice listener choice awards we want to shamelessly want to be the most popular mention that you can vote for us in the Australian Podcast Awards. It is voting based, Listener Choice. Listener Choice Awards. We want to shamelessly want to be the most popular podcast in Australia because we think that we are, so go fuck yourself, everyone else.

And the only way we can prove that is by you voting, you moaning bitches. And if we win this award, you all get to see Torbs naked in the shower. No, that's not part of it. So there's a link in the show notes. Go and vote. And we get to see the big dog and his big dog. No, no naked Torbs, but we would love for you to vote. We would actually love for you to vote.

Shamelessly. We're going for it. We're going for it. We're going to fucking win it. We're going to- We're the best community of fans in the fucking world and now it's time to prove it. Oh, I like that.

I love that you've just still got tears on your face. I'm actually crying right now. From saying this bitch is going to start moaning. Let me bring us down because I've got a beautiful you love to see. Don't bring me down. I'll go down on you. I've got a beautiful you love to see here from Becky Walling. Becky says, my dad died five years ago.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, okay. I'm gutted to hear that, Becky. I'm not sorry. I'm gutted. That's really shit. I promised myself that I would see more of the world than he did because he always wanted to travel but never found the time,

like never had the money. Yeah. Finally got up the courage to travel all by myself and it's time to knock some things off the bucket list and I hope he's really proud. That's incredible. He would be. Even just that sentiment is incredible.

That's amazing, eh? Yeah. So, Becky, I'm really proud of you. And wherever you're travelling around the world, you can vote for us in the Listener's Choice because you actually don't have to be Australian to vote. I was actually at the funeral and he said my dying wishes for Tony and Ryan.

To win the Listener's Choice. No, Becky. That's actually fucked, Becky. I'm really sorry. Becky, we're really sorry. We might have ended that out. No, I'll leave it in. Love you, Becky, so much.

Thank you for sharing that with us. Share that in our Facebook group. So, thank you so much. We might have ended that out. No, I'll leave it in. Love you Becky so much. Thank you for sharing that with us. Share that in our Facebook group. So thank you so much. I'm just going to text you, Tony. Yep. Send this to someone who's about to retire. Oh, old chap. Is it you? No. Oh, that looks so yummy though.

Can you tell everyone what it says? Happy retirement, you old ****. On a beautiful cake. A beautiful cake. Tapa Gemma Webb. That looks so yummy. A tapa made that. I think I need some candy.

Yeah, a little sugar. I need some shugs. A tapa made this. Tapa Gemma Webb made this for her husband's workmate. Oh, that's so cute. So her husband goes, oh, Trev's finishing up and she goes. I know the thing. I know what it was. Oh, that's so sweet.

And I think you're right. It's the combination of the comedy, but then you go under the gag is a fucking good cake. There's like Rolos, bits of Mars bar, bits of flake. Are they M&M's? Or are they more of a, what's a bigger M? Like it looks like a. You're talking about a Smartie? Yeah. Nah. Are they M&M's? M&M's. Or are they more of a, what's a bigger M? Like it looks like a. You're talking about a Smartie?

Yeah. Nah, it's M&M's. Okay, so she's legit. That is so good. It's like chocolate frosting. Fuck, that looks mean. Yeah, that's a great one. Sophie, can you go get me a Twix?

So, Tar Pajama Web, thank you so much for sending that through. I love that. Oh, that's so sweet. Thanks so much for listening today and sorry as well. Tomorrow, two nightmares actually in Confessions. Both are nightmarish. One is because of something that happened with the Tapa's mum. And the other, I'll just read the first line,

my job is Tony's nightmare, I work in logistics. I might not come in tomorrow. Yeah, no, take the day off. Take the day. You need it. It sounds like Pippa needs it. Yeah, I've got to go look after that vomiting dog, if you notice. And on that note.

Yeah, Pippa's not very well either. We've got a spewing bitch at home and a French bulldog. Blow your sex nose in me. What? What are you talking about? Nothing. What? I think that might have been a private one.

Yeah. Okay. See you tomorrow. Love you. private one. Yeah. I'm done. See you tomorrow. Love you. Love you. Bye.