Toni and Ryan - The FBI is coming

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. My name is Ryan and we are calling Alice, who's here in Melbourne. Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? Remember that? Yeah, big thing. When you were in primary school, it was like really cool to say. Yeah. Oh my God, I've got to swear word, haven't I? I remember saying sex for the first time at school, like someone had graffitied it and I was like, oh, what does that say? Sex.

Hello. Hi, Alice. It's Tony and Ryan. How you doing? Hi, oh my God. Hi. Alice, sorry if you heard me say the word sex. Hello. Hi, Alice. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Hi. Oh, my God. Hi. Alice, sorry if you heard me say the word sex. We were talking about naughty words and naughty songs because obviously there was a song that asked to the everywhere.

That you've definitely heard before and I'm not going to repeat it because you'll get it all the time. Just how it is. Just how it is. So, anyway, will you approve today's podcast? Yes, I will. Woo-hoo! Yoo!

Hi, this is Alice, and I'm from Craven, and I approve this podcast. Yeah. I don't know if the term arsehat is used here in the US. Arsehat? Yeah, but Tony made a real arsehat out of herself in a cafe yesterday. Did I? Yeah. Aww.

You don't remember? Oh, no. Yeah, now she does. No. Yeah. No, not fit for broadcasting. Because you yelled at a waitress. No. No.

We'll get to it. We'll get to it. But. Hang on. Let me just get me. Tony accused me of being rude to a waitress. But then when the truth was revealed, it turns out someone was a bit of an ass hat in the cafe. And I have no doubt after we left, they were like, what the fuck?

And it was literally as we were walking out, I was like, oh, Ryan, why'd you do that? And you were like, check the tape. I'll stop you right there, mate. Yeah. I think we figured out the issue, though. There was a mystery extra person that threw a spanner in the works. Yeah. Oh.

Well, before we get to that mystery of the day, the FBI are on their way. Yep. And it's not looking good. No. So, there's this video that's gone- this concept that's gone va-va-va-viral on TikTok. And basically, the headline is, you've got a paperclip. You've got 20 minutes before the FBI come and search your house to find this exact paperclip. What do you do with it? Megan Cole, Megan Carroll, sorry, posted this on

TikTok and she explains it way better than me. You have 20 minutes to hide a paperclip before the FBI come to your house to come find the paperclip. Where are you hiding it? Now I've seen this video on TikTok and it has got my brain spinning. I am thinking of so many answers and I'm gonna share them with you because my first answer I thought was genius. I've always got candles burning in the house. So I thought, brilliant, get the paperclip,

pop it in the melted wax, 20 minutes, the candle's gonna set. I go on to the comment section of the tiktok video and what is the top liked comment put it in melted wax in a candle so i'm thinking if someone else has thought that the fbi are going to be on it with the candles the second thought i had was to unravel the paperclip pop it up the stem of a flower because I've always got flowers in the house. I actually think that's a really genius idea because they're not going to be pulling out the stems of the flowers from the vase. I mean, they might look inside, but that one,

I think that one's at the top there. And then the third one that I thought of, it's just pop it in another box of paperclips i don't know also clever also clever so i'd love to hear first off i'd love to hear from any tapas that are listening right now please comment in our facebook episode thread today what you reckon like your what your first thought was yep because i'm really embarrassed to admit literally i started watching started watching this and I just thought, I'd eat it. You'd eat it. That is the first, like, I just didn't even think of anything else. And I was like, I'd eat it, which is so stupid.

Why? Because doesn't that just feel like the most obvious thing? I thought you were going to say it's stupid because you'll fucking die. Well, yeah, and you might get hurt. Can you imagine trying to poo that thing out if it comes through the wrong angle at the other end? Ooh, or if it unravels on the way through. Or cuts you to pieces from the inside. Yeah, but you're more worried about, oh, it's too obvious. Well, I just thought, like, how silly.

That is the first thing that I thought of. Okay. And I'm a bit embarrassed. And then I could not believe how creative that was. Put it in the bottom of a flower? The candle wax. So, you're saying you were impressed and embarrassed at the same time when you heard that girl's example. Yeah.

Like, I could not believe that someone could be that creative and think about it in that way. So, I asked Bridget last night. Yep. And the first thing she said, she goes, I still don't know where, but I put it somewhere near metal. Because if they have a metal detector looking for the paperclip, if it's near something else that's metal, the other thing will go off. Oh, and they'll go, oh, no, that's just that.

Yeah. That is smart. And she's like, I still don't know where it is. But instantly she was like, it has to be near metal. They'll have a metal detector. If your job is to find a paperclip, you'll have a thing that detects where the metal is. Poke it into a mattress and then they'll pick up on the springs.

I'll go, that's just the springs of the mattress. What, is in a mattress a good one? That's what I mean. Yeah, poke it into a mattress. Yeah, can you pierce it through? Yeah. So, have you come to your final conclusion? Well, no, because I actually can't move past eating it.

Okay. And I think that maybe one of my ideas, aside from the mattress, which I think is a really good one. That is a really great idea. Because you wouldn't, like, flush it down the toilet or anything because you're not supposed to flush things down the toilet. So, you're concerned about the plumbing but not your plumbing. Yeah.

Yeah. The other thing that I thought about was like ice cube tray. Not going to phrase in time. You've only got 20 minutes. You've got ice as see-through. But it's just a random spot they wouldn't think. Like ice cube tray, like you've got those big spherical like whiskey ones. You know, they wouldn't even think about that.

And then the final thing where I think I've landed, pop open a tin of Milo, pop it in the Milo, switch it around, it goes to the bottom. That's a great idea. Or coffee or sugar or any kind of, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great one. I think that's what I would do because, but is that where they would go straight away?

They just tip shit out. Well, if they're in the paperclip finding business, they would know the tricks. If that's their job, like this isn't me walking into your house trying to find your paperclip. This is the FBI. FBI, Federal Paperclip Bureau of Intelligence. Yes, that is the acronym they go by.

So Cam and I were discussing yesterday about it being inside your person. Cam said in the butt. I thought maybe like in the foreskin, you know, just fold it up in there. And you're worried about my plumbing. No, but even if they're like- You might get an accidental fucking circumcision. Even if they checked out your goods, they still wouldn't like roll up your foreskin. I reckon they'd roll it back.

You reckon? Yeah, I would. Roll it back, son. You've already found the clip. Yeah, get your pants off. Wouldn't that really hurt though, right? It depends where you put it. Roll it back, son. You've already found the clip. Yeah, get your pants off. Wouldn't that really hurt though, Ryan? It depends where you put it.

And if you kind of bent it like the paper clip, yeah, probably a little bit. So you're not circumcised? No. I was left at a doorstep, mate. There's no surgeries going on. Producer Cam, are you circumcised? Yes, I am. So would that hurt you more because you can't- There's no way to put it.

Well, there's no way to put it. Yeah. You can't get it. You'd see it. Yeah. You'd't get it. You'd see it. Yeah. Winky. All right. Detective Lodge.

Oh, yep. I and Cam, I'm going to need you to get a timer or a stopwatch. Oh. What are we doing? I have hidden the paperclip. In this room? No, in my house. Oh, in your house.

Oh, Beyonce's Airbnb. I'm going to need backup. It's like a 20-acre lot. It's fucking not. It's a regular size. It's 60 hectares. It's so expensive. Yeah, their neighbours actually dobbed them in for using too much water

to water their lawn. No, they didn't. What are you talking about? Yeah, because it's many hectares. It's like a golf course. So many floors. Yeah, I know. And can you believe all those wings?

And the garage? Yeah. Eight cars, each side. Sixteen cars. What are you talking about? So, you've got your Golf and your Skoda. What else have we got? And my 14 Jimneys.

One of every colour. Only because every time you go on the website, you accidentally buy one. Click the wrong button. Got another Jimney. Jimney Cricket. 30 seconds is a good time. What? Maybe a minute.

45 seconds. Yeah. And you can just roll off as many places as you think, but you've got 45 seconds. If you name the place where I've hidden my paperclip, you win. Detective Lodge is the best detective ever. Okay, I have a couple of questions. Yes.

Have you written down where it is so I know that you're not cheating and changing your mind? Yeah, on my screen, on my laptop. And is it specifically your house? My house. So I'm allowed to think? My house, yep. Okay, great. Cam, can you give us a 3, 2, 1, time starts now? 3, 2, 1, begin. Black bamboo pot plant. No. The plant that eats the banana peels. No. Behind the watermelon art in the front room.

No. Inside your bedroom, under your bed. No. On that three-tiered trolley that's right next to the front door. No. Inside the shoes next to the front door. No. Time check. Mabel's mattress. 20 seconds. No. Mabel the front door. No. Inside the shoes next to the front door. No. Time check.

Mabel's mattress. 20 seconds. No. Mabel's holding it. No. Bridget, put it next to something metal. Fireplace! No.

You put it in one of the... 10 seconds. BJ's food. No. Horrible. BJ, food? What are you doing? Are you trying to kill my dog?

Inside a mango in the fridge. No. Ice cube tray in the fridge. No. Behind the TV. No. Ice cube tray in the fridge. No. Behind the TV. No. On the doormat. Timer goes off.

I came up with some good ideas for you, though. You did, though. Okay. Kitchen. No. Your room. No. Mabel's room.

No. Your office. Living room. No. Backyard. No. Butler's pantry. No. Your office. Living room. No. Backyard. No. Butler's pantry. No.

Second butler's pantry. It's in the bathroom. The big bathroom? Yep. In the pot plants in the bathroom. No. We've done guessing. It's over.

No, no, no. I'm trying to just like behind the mirrors of the big bathroom. I'm trying to just like behind the mirrors of the big bathroom. I would put the paper clip in between sheets of the toilet roll. Because the toilet roll holder is metal, right? So, if you did your little metal thing, you would see the toilet roll holder. You know how it's like woundly tight? Yeah.

So, then it's like slipped in between. What if then someone from the FBI needs to go to the bathroom and you poo like every five seconds? Yeah, I'd probably use it up. Maybe it is back in me. Maybe it is in my butt. Maybe it's in your foreskin because you used to go to the toilet. How do you think, guys? I don't understand it.

It was only recently that I thought that if you were doing a poo as a boy or a penis haver, that you would do a poo and then if you needed to wee at the same time, you had to, like, stand up and turn around. No. Like, I didn't know you could do both at the same time. Feet of engineering. Yeah. Feet of engineering.

Interesting. Another one I had is behind the batteries in a remote control. That's good. That's good. Yeah. But, I mean, I've already. That's very good, actually. Yeah, so you take the batteries out and, like, put the thing in

and put it back together. Yeah, that is good. Yeah. But if they picked it up, it would rattle, though. I don't think it would because it'd be so tight. So, you put the batteries back in? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Sorry, I thought you meant, like, ditch the batteries. No, because then how are you going to turn the air conditioner on? Well, it might not work because it would fuck up the thing. Yeah, probably would fuck the shit up, yeah. Yeah. The fireplace is a good one, though. That is a good one. 20 minutes.

20 minutes is like a long time to think about it, but it's not a long time to have. Producer Cam? Could you unravel it and then wind it around in a circle and use it as like a keychain link? Oh. Hidden in plain sight. You could unlock the door with the keychain and open it and let FBI bring it on, bitches. I feel like Leonardo DiCaprio on Catch Me

If You Can. Yeah. It's exciting, isn't it? That's one of my favourite movies. It is good. And he's just running out the front door. Oh, bloody hell, it's good. Yeah, it's fucking good. Let's watch that. Hi, this is Alice from Craigieburn, and you are listening to Tony and Ryan. Pinch and a punch for the first day of the month, not a chance. Ha ha ha, 1st of November.

I tell you what, when I was in radio, a thing I wanted to do. What? I wanted to do like the world's biggest pinch and punch. Oh, yeah. Like it's people all doing it to each other. Yeah. Or I don't know if you get like a big truck with the claw

to do like a big pinch and then like a box of punches. You're in it. Like, I don't know, just the concept of the biggest ever pinch in the punch, that just, the ideas were endless and I thought that was fun. And they're like, no, we'll do the secret sound instead. Oh, bit of bum. Bit of bum.

Chloe Henry, thank you. Oh, sorry, these are champion tarpers over at our Patreon. Tarpers, Tony and Ryan podcast. Chloe Henry, thank you so much, Chloe. James Fry. Frying up some chips. JF. Sydney Wilkinson.

Good on you, Sid. That's hooch. Freda Danielson. FDS. And Freda Daniels' daughter. And Celine Savage. Thank you so much, Celine. Celine Savage.

Is that a stage name? Is she a magician? A magician? Of all the things that you could have said about that. Celine Savage. Is that a stage name? Is she a magician? A magician? Of all the things that you could have said about that. Celine Savage. Savage. S-A-V-I-C. No, I take back what I said.

Close, though. Oh, no, it's still a great name. No offence, man. Tony accused me of ignoring a waitress, but Tony actually made a really big fool out of herself at the cafe. I have secondhand embarrassment for myself hearing this story back because- It's not secondhand embarrassment. It's firsthand.

I've got first and second. That's like three times as much. Yeah, two times one is still two. I think I've got like, you know, when you work in retail or customer service or whatever and you would like talk about customers all day. Like when you worked at the hotel, Ryan, I'm sure it was the same. When I worked at Coles, like, because you would just nitpick everything because you fucking, we hated the job.

Yeah. And so, you go, oh, she asked for poloni and it's poloni. How embarrassing. And you just be like, who fucking, like, now that I'm a grown up, I'm like, who fucking job. Yeah. And so, you go, oh, she asked for poloni and it's poloni. How embarrassing. And you just be like, who fucking- Like, now that I'm a grown-up, I'm like, who fucking cares? Yeah. But I was, you know, 18 and a little bitch. Yeah.

Were you a little bitch yesterday? No. I don't think that I was a little bitch. Do you think that people at the cafe were little bitches? Because as soon as you left, they're like, what the fuck's her deal? What I'm imagining is the chat that would have gone on in the cafe after I walked out because, oh. I think the comment, it wouldn't have been Tony's a bitch.

It would have been more like, oh, she's a lot, isn't she? No. Yeah. Nah. No, no, no. Because I don't think they also know what happened. Let me explain. And where this is all go wrong.

But I wasn't rude at all. No wasn't rude no no that's what i mean they wouldn't have said rude bitch they would have gone she's a lot how was it a lot i because i don't think they know what happened either because there was a second waitress that we didn't know about at the time let me paint the picture for you for those playing along at home and then i would like to defend myself because I reckon you're going to butcher this. Excuse me? Bit of editorial. Yeah, bit of editorial.

At least let me make the shit up before you accuse it of being made up. I know it's coming. Waitress number one. As we're leaving the cafe, we had breakfast. She goes, have a great day. And I just kind of did a polite kind of nod and smile like, yep, all good. Wasn't rude, but Tony's behind me. So, she- Tony has seen the waitress say something and then just seen the back of my head, which

she hadn't seen since earlier that morning. And she's just seen the back of my head, which you hadn't seen since earlier that morning. And she's just seen the back of my head and seen me walk out. And then you must have gone, oh, he's just straight up blank this chick. However, there's a second waitress who wasn't the waitress I was looking at. The second waitress who's somewhere else goes, oh, how was the meal? So, Tony's assumed that the how was your meal came from the first waitress who I walked past. And then Tony, because Tony's really nice and heaven forbid we leave a bad taste in the cafe's mouth, goes, oh, well, Ryan's ghosted it. I'll just make

sure that I make up for it. So because all this has happened, waitress number one has gone, have a good day. And then Tony's gone, the fritters were great, thank you! Yeah. That is what happened. And I was like, that's strange because she goes, have a great day. And I was like, you too. And then I just

hear this, oh, the fritters were great! Thanks for having us! Beautiful chairs! The cutlery is fantastic because you're like heaven forbid they left and you're like oh they're because antony's really hammered it on because she doesn't want them to think less of us and but the first waitress she just is like i just i just said have a nice day now this bitch is in my grill about some fritters that i didn't ask about i'm surprised surprised she didn't drop it. I didn't actually ask, mate. Fuck.

So then we leave the cafe and Tony goes, I can't believe you just straight up fucking ghosted that waitress. Because so from- She asked, she said, how was your meal? And you just turned your back and walked off. How rude. And you, because you, sorry, because she had said to you, have a good day. And you kind of went, just gave that smile,

like the nod and kind of kept walking. I thought she, from where I was standing, I thought she said, how was everything? And you went, and you did the smile and the nod and walked out. I think there was a second waitress who said, how's your meal, to another table table and you just heard those lines. Was it? No, it was to us.

No, no. It was to another table. So you've heard house your meal and you've seen waitress number one's mouth moved and you've gone mouth moving, check. House your meal, check. Ryan walking past, check. Weird from Ryan. I better make up for this and leave a good impression and not leave this girl feeling ghosted oh my god i thought that it was at least someone else talking to us

i didn't know it was to another table yeah so literally over the restaurant with the cafe i've gone it was so amazing the fritters were wonderful like oh, oh, the fucking whatever. I actually. And she was like, I didn't actually ask, bitch. You've already paid and tipped. But she was really nice about it, though, because she went, awesome. Great to hear, sweetheart. You've already paid and tipped. I don't give a fuck anymore.

Yeah, are you sure you liked it? You gave me $2. I'll be taking the dollar away For that one Yeah Shit I didn't know That they were even

Talking to another table So not only was that embarrassing Tony then has the gall To fucking light up Well we walk out And I was like Fuck mate Like why did you

Starts lighting me up And Ryan goes Hang on sweetheart I don't think you know what just happened. And I was like, yeah, I tipped her. I was all good. We were fine. Yeah, and I told her this and she asked that.

You ignored her, so I answered for you. Yeah, and Ryan goes, no. So, what do you think? I didn't know it was another table. Yeah, so you know how when we got up out of our seat, we walked like two tables towards the door. They were like in that little corner, general or jut. Yep. Fuck. Fuck. out of our seat we walked like two tables towards the door they were like in that little corner general jut yep fuck fuck and i just know that we walked out and they've gone what the fuck because we're having our conversation when we left and i go imagine the conversation they're having

hence like not rude but they just went she whew, she's a lot, eh? Because waitress one, all she knows is you just, like, ran up to her and started yelling about fritters. They weren't good. So, that chick loves fritters, eh? I do. She has the correct impression of me. I. I.

I've got the giggles I cannot believe oh fuck so embarrassing fuck that is so embarrassing well next time we're back here you can make it up to them or they can just

keep that memory I'll never fucking come back here again. I'll email them and be like, this is the Tony Ryan podcast, by the way. This is her. I cannot believe there was another table. I thought at least they were saying it to us. Nah.

And I was just, like, looking at the wrong person. Nope. That's bad news. Yeah. I wonder what they would have said. Surely they would have been like, oh, her she thought we were like surely they've realized what i thought i don't know i hope for your sake i hope they've as debriefed as deeply as we have or do you think that they like maybe right maybe they did it sound did what I say and the way that I said it

sound casual enough to have been just something that I was saying? Like they went, have a great day, and I went, food was great, thank you. No. I see what you're asking. Like it could have just been a nice comment on the way out. Like maybe like fritters, oh, amazing, guys, thank you so much. I don't think so because I think it was the aggressive two-step up into her grill just to really make sure she knew is what probably threw her.

She did take a step back. No, she didn't. She did not. I know taking a back is a saying, but she literally took a physical step backwards. No. Fuck. I'm really embarrassed.

And I love to see it. I don't feel great about that. I can't believe that And I love to see it. I don't feel great about that. I can't believe that she was talking to another table. I didn't know that. See you next time, guys. I'm going to love to see it. Yep. Now, you're going to have to stick me with it.

Yesterday you had, was it yesterday that you had the Halloween joke? Yes. Yeah. Because yesterday was Halloween. Thank you. I've got maths, humour. Maths or maths? Not married at first sight. Thank you. I've got maths humour. Maths or maths? Not married at first sight.

Maths. Okay. Married at theories and hypothesis. That's hilarious. That's actually pretty funny. Okay. Do you want to hear mine? No.

Maths humour. I made a graph showing my past relationships. It had an X-axis and a Y-axis. Funny. Very funny. Why are you laughing? No, that's very good. Is it still going?

I would expect you to laugh more, considering someone spent a lot of time plotting that joke. Yes, yes. That's funny. Lucky I'm smart enough to get that. Some people, yes. That's funny. Lucky I'm smart enough to get that. Some people wouldn't. Do you get Inception? My love to see it.

Do you get Fritters? I did get Fritters and they were lovely. My love to see it is this meme that I saw and it says, Dad's naming boats is my favourite thing ever. Couldn't agree more. Couldn't agree more. Couldn't agree more. A whole episode dedicated to this in the future please. Hilarious. And Jessica Rose shared this in our Facebook group and said

My love to see it is Dad's naming boats. Can't wait for the day Ryan John gets a boat and gives us an absolute cracker of a name. I didn't even think that would be a part of my life but now that you've said that it absolutely will be. I mean you've got all that space and you've got a lake at your house so you might as well i live in a suburban street you fucking you're just lashing out because of the waitress thing and you're showing off in front of your

podcast listening friends and we don't appreciate that there's a stop showing off in front of your friends there's a boat here called peer pressure like p-i-e-R, like off the pier. Could you, what if you get a boat and it'd be like Pippa Pressure? Pippa, Pippa, Pier, Pier. Oh, I might name your boat, mate. You know, if I had a boat, you know what I'd call it? Not on my boat, mate. You know what I'd call it? What?

The C word, but like S-E-A. That's funny. Yeah. That is really funny. Yeah. Yeah. Would I be able to tow my boat on a chimney? I hate boats. I don't want a boat. I just want to name tow my boat on a chimney? I hate boats.

I don't want a boat. I just want to name it. Yeah, you just want to name it. Or can I leave it at the moor and we can just go there and have drinks? I don't want to take it out. Yeah, nah. It's an expensive hobby. That's boring.

You want a mate with a boat. You don't want a boat. Yeah, we've discussed this before. Yeah, you don't want the boat because it's such a pain in the ass. My mum and dad used to have, before my time, they used to have a ski boat and they'd go, like, water skiing every weekend. Yeah. And there would always be people down there who wanted to go skiing

and, like, wanted to be mum and dad's mates and then they'd be the ones that would get home and have to, like, clean it out. Yeah. And mum would take sandwiches and people would come down with their kids and their kids wouldn't have any food so mum would, like, feed their kids and, like... So, was your mum just, like, trying to buy friends with boats and sandwiches?

No, no, no. Well, they'd go down there to enjoy it and people would be like, oh, can we have a go? They'd go, yeah, like, jump on. I was really popular when we were camping when I was little because I had a little go-kart. Not a go-kart. Like, it's a...

Like a billy cart. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like a go-kart without a motor. You just go down the hill. Yep, yep. But I... Like, people were like, oh, can I have a go?

I'm like, yeah. And I was, like, real... Everyone loved me because I had this cool little go-kart. That's cool. Billy cart. Yeah. Billy carts were fun, yep. But people were like, oh, can I have a go? I'm like, yeah. And I was like, real, everyone loved me because I had this cool little goat. That's cool. Billy cat. Yeah. Billy cats were fun, dude. Yeah, I love all that shit. Yeah, same.

Yeah. Anyway, yeah, so we'll come up with your boat name. You might not buy a boat. You could name my stand-up paddleboard. I'll do that. All aboard. I just thought that as well. That's good for me.

Great. Tomorrow, we've got normal or nah. Only once a week. Shame. Samuel, do you do the washing in your household? No. I'm not even going to pretend to lie. I don't.

So, and does Torbs use a dryer or does he like hang it out? No, we have a dryer. Well, actually, we have a dryer because our apartment is too small and we're at the bottom of a thing. So, all the dust like comes to the bottom so you can't put anything out the back. It goes disgusting. In your huge courtyard with a lake that's 17 acres. All our jimmies are out there.

But now in the new house, we'll probably have a fishing line. That's how long it's been since I've lived in a house. Washing line. Is that, like, exciting? Well, yeah, quite cool, isn't it? If you've got a washing line or maybe, like, a clothes horse that you, like, hang stuff out on, Samuel's partner does something that... Oh, not good.

NG. No good. No, don't. If I could NG me, you good. NJ. No good. No, don't. Fucking NJ, mate. You BC. Bitch. Sorry. I used letters so I didn't have to say the word. Why would you call me that? That's awful. Yeah, why would I call you that? You big cuddle bear.

BCB. that's worse. That is worse. I'd rather that you call me the first one. I always pull my hair while you're doing that. Nah, just kidding. Love you, bye.