Toni and Ryan - The final SUPdate

Episode Date: March 15, 2023

THE FINAL SUPDATE. Do I get to keep it - or nah?! Love ya!! Toni xoxoxo Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name's Ryan. I'm here with author Tony Lodge and we are going to Ontario. We're going to Georgetown. And again, it's not like the Georgetown. Yeah, I was going to say Georgetown. Because I saw Georgetown. I was like, whoa.

The university town. Yeah. I don't know. I was close. I'm never close. No, you're putting town on the end. University town. The university town.

Well, it's the George. I'm on university town. Town. the end. University, town. University, town. Well, it's the George. I'm on university, town. Town. This is Kim. Kim town. She's from Kim town. Which town are you from, Kim? Town.

Hello? Hello, Kim. Is this Tony? Yes, it is. It's Tony and Ryan. How are you? Yay, I'm so so excited i'm literally listening to yesterday's episode right now we were just wondering if you'd perhaps approve the podcast

absolutely i will approve the podcast i'm super excited love you guys on board 100 oh my god oh fucking endorsement with a smile love that hi it's kim from Georgetown, Ontario, Canada, and I approve this podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the sound of Tony Lodge. I've risen from the dead. Back to the studio. And when you say risen from the dead, you weren't that far from death, were you?

Oh, my, I was close. Yeah. I saw the light. Really? Like that's how close I got, yeah. What did it look like? Light. Just bright?

Yeah. Which, did you get an inkling of which uh gate you were headed towards down it wasn't a white light yeah okay it was a red light a dark you don't have to put on a red light thanks do we still sound a little a little shit i think so i'm still and my throat is still like a bit raw from coughing and stuff. And do you remember last time we had COVID and we came back and we couldn't laugh for ages because we'd just start coughing? Yeah. If you cough, that just means we're pissing ourselves

and having a great time. Yeah, it's like these silent laughs, which is great for a podcast. Coming up today, the police arrived at Tony Lodge's house to report a crime. We'll get to that. And also, for those of you who've been playing along with the stand-up paddleboard gate. Subdate. It's the subdate. You will notice that the 13th of March has been and gone, and there's an update coming

on that as well. But first, normal or nah? Normal or nah? Watching your favourite movie with someone who hasn't watched it before and you stare at them during the best parts to ensure they're appreciating it. Tiffany asks, is this normal or nah? Oh, I need to say nah, but I have to say normal. Like I want to say nah as in I don't do that, but I do that.

Like it's the same as, you know, when you like show someone a TikTok you really like or whatever and they don't laugh and you're like, oh. Or even worse, they're looking at it and then they're like looking away and you're like, this is the good bit. And you're like, yeah, yeah. Like you're trying to get their attention. Cards on the table. I've absolutely had people send me videos in the past

and I've gone, oh, that video goes for about 11 minutes and then replied to their message, you know, 12 minutes later and been like, oh. Am I one of those people? I've definitely done that to you, yeah. So I go, how good's this video? And you go, yeah. And it's always just like a nondescript answer.

Like I never go like, I loved it or whatever. When I send you stuff, I know that I'm just throwing it into the dark hole. And then what about the video? And then when I've done that, I send him home. Except don't you, you're so happy and so impressed when I do watch them though. Because I know that most of the time you don't. Yeah, but like. It's a numbers game.

Yeah. Two out of ten. But then sometimes I watch them and it's like impressive. Yeah, it's like when your parents jump in the pool. You know that most of the time you don't. Yeah, but like. It's a numbers game. Yeah. Two out of ten. But then sometimes I'll watch them and it's like impressive. Yeah, it's like when your parents jump in the pool. Yeah. You know, that never happens. And you're like, fuck, dad's getting in the pool. Yeah.

Guys, dad's getting in. You wouldn't fucking believe it. I believe it, yeah. That is exciting. That is exciting when you're young because it never happens. That does never happen. You know what? That's not going to be exciting for my daughter because I'm going to be in the pool all the time.

Oh, you'll be hashtag wet for life. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be in the pool too. Just come around the side. Yeah, come around the side. We'll just throw the baby back and forth. Yeah.

What happens if you drop and they fall in water? Fucking whatever. I mean, it's soft. Yeah. We'll get you some water wings. Yeah. Little floaties. Yeah.

But that's, so I actually don't want to encourage the fact that eight out of ten times you don't watch because maybe they're saying it's so cool when you do watch. You kind of go, yeah, if I read all of them, I don't want to overdo it. Yeah, I don't want to create a precedent where I have to. I fucking hate this. But I do this with Torbs a lot because when we're watching TV or whatever, if I'm like, oh, I've watched this before, it's really good, or if I watch something and

I think that he'll like it then I'll watch it again with him but then I just do this yeah that's so annoying you're watching him watch it I watch him watch it and he goes Tony and he doesn't look at me he just goes he's like looking dead ahead and he's like Tony don't like he puts up the big don't argue he He's like, don't watch me watch it. But I'm always so proud of. If I'm on my phone and Bridget and I are watching TV together, one of her shows. One of her shows. She gets so fucked off.

Oh, right. And like, how dare you on your phone? I wanted to watch this with you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Which is like probably fair enough. But also when you're like, this is some shit that you care about that I don't like. But when I watch a show, then she's on her phone and I'm like, watch it, and she's like, oh, it's fucking boring.

And I'm like, well, why is it fucking call the cops when I do it and it's fine for you? Oh, things are coming out. But I do, it is like. You know how I love a show with like a few twists, like a murder mystery or a whodunit. Yeah, or anything with a heist. Casino.

Anything with a casino. Yeah. Anything with a corrupt cop. Yep. So in those movies there's like, you know, there's twists aplenty. And any time there's a twist I'll like swing my head around to look at Bridget to make sure she saw the twist. Yeah.

And she's the same. She's like, I'm watching. Same as like when you're watching Jorvs. Yeah. Did you see that? Yeah. Did you see that? And he goes, yes.

We're watching the same thing. Because that's the sister. Yeah, I know. I'm actually also watching. Yeah. But it's like when something's about to happen, you kind of go. This bit, this bit. Oh, what's going to be? Yeah. And you just go, oh. This bit, this bit. Oh, what's going to be?

Yeah, and you just go, wait for it. I hope nothing's around the corner. I wonder what could be happening now. Don't walk into that room. And you just feel like you know something, which I love. Is that why you like watching shows multiple times? That I've already seen. Yeah, probably.

Because it's like you know before the actors do. Yeah. Yeah. That's wild. Seeing someone you know in the supermarket, for example, someone from work, and instantly feeling nervous about what's in your trolley in case they judge you. Verity asks, normal or nah?

Oh, I think that's normal. Yeah. Yeah. I do think that's normal, especially when like, you know, when sometimes you're doing a bit of a naughty shop. Yeah. Like maybe you've done your big shop online or you've done, do you know what gets me?

When you've done all of your fruit and veggies at like the farmer's market and you're just getting your like grocery stuff from Coles or whatever and you see someone you're like all the vegetables are in the car I want you to see me with a trolley full of green stuff and they go oh she's eating healthy wow she's doing well or her Monday is going to be good don't know about the rest of the week but her Monday is probably going to start hot yeah You know when you do that or like I remember when I was, I think I was 17 and I was at my local IGA with my boyfriend at the time and it was like in the suburb where I grew up. Yeah.

And so I used to see, you know, like the girls I went to school with, their mums, and because we'd finished school, I'd be like, oh, have you spoken? Like I'd run into my friend Casey Marie, who listens to this podcast, I'd like run into her mum Julie, right? And she'd be like, oh, have you spoken to Casey Marie lately? And, you know, stuff like that. You'd always run into someone and there'd be like teachers

that like taught you at school or whatever. And I was at my local IGA with my boyfriend at the time, I was 17, and all I was holding in my hand was a block of chocolate and a box of condoms. And I ran into Mrs Hunt who was... Excuse me. Yeah, Mrs Hunt. Someone else is about to run into Mrs Hunt by the sounds of things.

It wasn't that chocolate bar. I ran into Mrs Hunt who was like the registrar of the front office. Oh, they know everything. Yeah. And so like whenever I was sick and went to the sick bay or whatever, like she was the one who would like call my mum or whatever. And she'd be like, oh, Tony, like how are you? How's your mum?

And all I was holding was a block of chocolate and a box of condoms and I've got like this boyfriend with me. Did she look down and go, much on tonight? And I was just like, Mrs Hart! Like trying to play it so cool but doing the high-pitched voice. Fuck me. Yeah. And I just, I was 17 and I was probably about as nervous as sex

as I still am now as a 30-year-old. Hey, the only thing worse than someone getting condoms is someone not getting condoms. So I think you should be celebrated for, like, because what's the alternative? You get a fucking STD. Oh, so if you see me at the shops and I'm not buying condoms, you go, unprotected sex!

Yeah, diseased, diseased, diseased, pregnant. They're the two options. Yeah, well, I congratulate you on practising sex. Do you have any condoms on you right now? Me? Yeah. Oh, STD. It's like, yeah, we've had a lot of issues getting pregnant.

Pregnant, yeah, that's why. Yeah. Yeah. You know, everything's going fine. We try a couple of times a week, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You still wearing condoms? Yeah.

Yeah. Don't want to get a disease. I reckon it might have something to do with that. Yeah, I reckon that might be a bit of a barrier. Imagine going through like you go to the, you know, the clinic, the IVM, all the tests and they go, everything seems fine. Is there anything you're not telling us? You go, no, we're so safe.

We wear two condoms every time. We can't. Don't even bother checking us for a disease. I've never been in the same room with Bridge without wearing one. Been in the same room with Bridge without wearing one. The worst thing about me moving back to my hometown. See, I could not deal with that. Yeah, so I've been living the dream for 10 years,

just walking in a supermarket, barefoot, pyjamas. Yeah, I'm just here to grab a block of chocolate. And some condoms. And some condoms and just live my truth. Whatever. You don't know me, I don't know you. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Go about my day. Yeah. And now Ioms and just live with the truth. Whatever. You don't know me, I don't know you. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Go about my day. Yeah.

And now I'm back to where I grew up. And I can't go to the supermarket without going, oh, it's like I went to Elf Meets Prime. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. You know, like, and the other day I'm putting the garbage out and I'm wearing, you know how it's quite common for my underwear to have more holes than is required?

Yes. So I'm just wearing a pair of undies and like a baggy T-shirt. That's it. Yeah. And I'm carrying like a bag full of BJ's dog shit. Oh, great. And then actual garbage. And I walk out the front and these two people walk by and they go,

Ryan Dunn, Eltham High. And I was like, yep. And they're like, hey, Matt. And it turns out I used to play volleyball with them and stuff. We're having a big chat, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just standing there in my holey undies, hopefully without a ball hanging out the side. And I was just like.

They probably walked away and went, he didn't have any condoms. He is not practising safe sex. He is not practising safe sex. They're like, we saw his dick and it did not have a condom on it. Awful. Terrible. But it's just like, oh, I like it. And they're like, oh, fuck, he looks like he's had a fucking rough life.

Yeah. He's obviously renting that place. You know, he hasn't bought. That place is fucking. I just stumbled out. I looked, yeah, it's fucking. All right, Brianna Glover. Hi, Brianna.

Glover? I hardly know her. This is fucked. And I don't know, as the three of us will decide if this is acceptable behavior. In the TARPA community, as custodians of the TARPA community, we will decide whether this is right or wrong. Normal or nah, when Tony and Ryan do an approval at the start of the show, if the person lives in my city, I will try and look them up to see if they're attractive

because I know we would have at least one thing in common and I'm very single. Is this normal or nah? I think it's okay. It's a bit funny, isn't it? But do you know immediately my mind was cast back to coincidence chat last week? Yeah.

Like, oh, my God, you live in the same city as me. Me. We're going to get married. It's destiny. Yeah. Hope they got some condoms. Want to get some chocolate from the supermarket? Like, I don't think that that's that bad considering.

All right. So imagine this. You get a DM. Yeah. From a stranger. Yeah. It happens a lot to me. And it goes, and I assume Brianna smokes a pack a day,

so it sounds like this. Oh, okay. Hey, Tony, how you doing? Oh. Were you the Tony that approved that random podcast? Oh, weird. Yeah, actually. I actually live in the same town and I'm single.

But you're not going to send that. You're not sending that. You know what you're doing. What? You're going into their Instagram or their Facebook or whatever, seeing if they follow us and then, you know, working out law of averages, how many people are named that name, live in this town, also follow us on Instagram.

And what, do you go, oh, were you the person who approved? No, and then go, oh, my God, did I hear you on the Tony and Ryan podcast this morning? How funny. I'm also from Rollystone. What the fuck? Do you have any other friends that listen to the podcast is probably what I would say.

Yeah, my boyfriend does. And you go, oh, my God, we should catch up. Throw some, bring three condoms. So are we for or against? I don't think that you can bother anyone, but I think that it's okay. Maybe it is a bit creepy, actually, Brianna. Maybe I shouldn't say that that's okay. We'll put it in the episode thread.

Normal or not. Normal or not, picking up from the approvers list in your town. Fuck. And if you get a message from Brianna Glover is the name. Yeah, so we're flagging her. Yeah, if you get a DM from Brianna Glover is the name. Yeah. So we're flagging her. Yeah, if you get a DM from Brianna, you know what she's after. Yeah.

And if she seems like, oh, she's just fun and asking about the... No, you know what she's after. Do we know where Brianna is? Maybe we could do reverse setting up. Dallas, Texas. All right. Well, if you are single and you like the sound of Brianna and you're in Dallas, Texas.

It's cowboy world over there. It's cowboy town. Yeah, that's for sure. We'll be in Dallas later this year. Oh, man. We'll meet Brianna. Oh, this is so, this does not go the way that I was expecting. Well, there you go, Brianna.

Open up those DMs, my friend. Anything else? The box of condoms. Thank you very much. Alright, finally, Caitlin. Does anyone else have a designated slanket? It's a sex blanket.

You put it down before you start doing the hippity-dippity so you can still sleep on clean and dry sheets when you're done. Is this normal or nah? That's a nah for me. It's a big nah for me. And the term slanket is really stressful. That's really graphic.

Our producer Cam is nodding. Are you nodding because you have a slanket or because you agree that it's weird? So obviously in the homosexual community there are. You're gay. Surprise. Oh, Brianna. Sorry. Sorry, mate.

There are a few more. Admin. Admin and fluids flying around. Yeah. Okay. So I said admin so that we wouldn't say fluids. There was one word we were trying to avoid. Admin and cum.

And basically. So, yeah, I have a designated blue Marco fibre towel that probably has half a Melbourne on it. I thought you were going to say a lot of Lou, but half a Melbourne, fine, righto. Okay. The other half's with Mrs Han at the shops. Hey, it's Kim from Georgetown, Ontario, Canada, and you are listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. Thank you so much for being part of it. Justin Barkley. Thomas Combs. Oh, what beautiful hair. Brandon off the Richter. Brianna Barkay. Back.

Brianna back. Oh, Brianna's back. Angela. Barkay. I don't know. It's B-A-K-K-E. Barkay. Back. Baki. B. Bar-kay. Back.

B-K-E. B-K-A-K-E. Yeah. Angela Christodoulou and Mac Colkeen. Thank you. Mac's been around forever. Thanks, Mac. The Big Mac.

Appreciate it, mate. The Big Mac. I think that might be trademarked. Trademarked. Ah! See, I'm back from holidays. Holidays slash COVID, obviously. Yeah.

It's one of the great excuses for holidays. Did you feel a sense of relief getting COVID because you're like, I can take a break? See, I think that it's like such a misconception. I think it might be a bit like when you think about maternity leave that you go, oh, my God. Got a year off. Yeah.

Oh, fuck, I wake up, how good. But you spend it being like, I'd rather be at work than feeling this way. Someone said to me, oh, how long are you taking off when Daughter McDaughterface arrives? And I said, oh, you know, it'll be a few weeks or whatever. And they go, oh, great, what are you going to do? Yeah. Travel.

Yeah. Maybe Hawaii, yeah. Write that screenplay. Yeah, I've always been wanting to do that. Hey, Tony Felicia Louise Lodge, Dr. Author, do you remember what you said on this podcast on the 13th of January 2023? Yes, I do. What was that?

Well, I said I wanted to buy a stand-up paddleboard. Yep. And then I said, and I've never done it before, and then I said, if I don't use it six times in the next two months, I will get rid of it. Yeah, and then I said, well, if you're going to get rid of it, I'll take it off your hands. And I said, no, I don't want you to have it. And I said, also, I don't think that's going to be a problem.

I mean, it's going to be fine. And then. I believe you used the term piss it in. That does sound like me. Six times in two months, I'll piss it in. Twice a week for two months, I'll probably get 15. And then I actually, people might remember that I bargained with you for more time and you said you can have more time

if you go and record this video and do a song on the stand-up paddleboard or whatever, and that never happened because we... Because you're a piece of shit. No, paddleboard or whatever. And that never happened because we – Because you're a piece of shit. No. Well, I feel like it also never happened because I do have a very busy life. Oh. Working 33 minutes a day must be hard, mate. Fuck you.

You know that that – oh. Because you didn't want me to have it. I say that because people say that to me all the time. Oh, so what else do you do? I'm like, that's my full-time job. And they're like, yeah, yeah, but like what do you do though? And it just like really presses my buttons. But you said you didn't want me to have the stand-up paddleboard.

We meet this girl called Melissa at Hot Fun Garbage. She's a tarper. And she goes, oh, me and my husband are thinking of getting a stand-up paddleboard. I was like, Mel, tell your husband not to waste his fucking money i've got one coming in two months someone's already wasted their money you can have tony's um so she's hanging out to find out if she's getting yours or if you've kept yours and i'm gonna have to buy her one but either way well because that was the deal that if i had done the paddleboarding yep that you then would have to buy it yeah and i mean one of, and I think I said at the time,

and I'll say it again, one of the easiest, safest bets, because Tony, two months later, the 13th of March has been and gone. How many times have you stood up on the stand-up paddle board on the water? Well, zero. Zero. But I've done it once. I didn't stand up there'd been a recent oil spill and i didn't want to fall in water on top of the board no i didn't want to fall in the water i didn't ask about falling in i asked about standing up no so i didn't stand up because i didn't want

to fall in because there had been an oil spill so what did you do so i like did it on my knees oh okay are we paying that? Well, yeah, surely. I had to pump the fucking thing up. Yeah, which, as we can tell from your tone, is not an easy task. So one out of six. Yeah. All right. But I try, can I just try and make it sound a little bit,

I know that it's, like, it's gone and whatever. I'm actually really, I really want to keep, like, I really want it. Like it's, I am really gutted about it, but I tried to go many times and the weather did not permit. It did not. Like I really, I actually did try. Can I say that if you didn't find and love urban surf, I probably wouldn't be as much of a dick right now because i'd feel like a bit bad for you but i feel like you've found something else and i'm actually like

stoked that you found that thing yeah if stand-up paddleboarding was like the gateway to finding urban surf yeah then i mean it's actually a net positive or whatever but because you have that beautiful thing please allow me to be a fuckhead for the next seven minutes no and that's it's actually fine because i know i was just like how hard is it going to be allow me to be a fuckhead for the next seven minutes. No, and that's, it's actually fine because I know I was just like, how hard is it going to be for me to do this a few times? Well, it turns out pretty fucking hard. It turns out really hard because weather and a million other things. Do you want another few months?

I know the Melbourne winter is just beautiful for being on the water. Like, you know, what am I going to do? Go out in my wetsuit and like my tracksuit pants. Yeah, uggies. My woodies. Woodies and uggies. So is it true, Tony Lodge, that before we all knew we had COVID, last week a few police officers showed up to your door?

Yes, it is true. I don't know if you caught the names because. I believe it was superintendent, which I did think was really funny, but at the time I was just so angry that I just couldn't laugh. Supp-per-intendent Ryan Jonathan Dunsworth and Supp-per-intendent Cameron Hutchinson arrived at the door. Did you get... So basically what happened is we rocked up.

We didn't know we had COVID, but Tony was fucked and just... I'd just gotten off the plane. It wasn't the time. Nah. It wasn't the time. Nah. It wasn't the time. But did you get a look at what we were wearing? Yeah, it was a very, very sexy police officer's outfit, both of you. Oh, that's very interesting that you say that.

Okay. But, yeah, what do you remember? I remember it being, like, quite a tight top. It was a black, like, policeman's outfit. Yeah. There was aviators as well, I believe. Yeah, we both had aviators. We both had police hats.

We both had full police uniform. I had, like, the traditional kind of button-up short-sleeve number. Yes. And this was at the request of Cam. I left a couple extra buttons under. Yeah. I could see you'd gotten the rug out. Now, did you notice that Cam's outfit was slightly different?

No, because Cam was kind of holding a light. Yeah, it was feeling. Yeah, so Cam, do you want to put your mic on? Do you want to say how yours was different to mine? It was a sultry, low-neck, tight, cinched, waisted female police officer's slutty uniform. It was a dress. Oh, was it?

Yeah. Because right there at the cost. Like one of those tennis dresses, like it just like really short. And like I know because Cam rides his bike into work, like the guy's got pins. Yeah. The pins have never looked better than in this dress. And when we're in.

So is that why you guys were running? Like you'd been veeting your legs. You'd been shaving in the bathroom. Getting the nair on. Well, we were in the dress up shop and there was like. Did you go to the same one we went to that time? Yeah, yeah. And they remembered us from the Harry Potter stuff.

Yeah. We're regulars there. Did you get a good sandwich from that place across the road again? No, but we did get nuggets. Oh, nice. So we're there. I'm putting on the guys one. I'm like, oh, this kind of feels...

Sorry, did you go Big Mac sauce? Because I always say that that is better. Did you actually? I actually did, yeah. Cam said we'll get a big next source. Totally loves it. It was great. You're not the hero of this story, mate, so calm right down.

Sorry. So we're in the store and I'm like, I feel like the men's outfit is just not really doing it for Cam, so let's go with this. Hang on. So you tried the – Well, we looked at them. Did you try it on?

No, it just wasn't really vibing. Okay. So I thought you were going to say that, like, oh, they've only got one each and, like, the sizing is more appropriate. Nah, we had options. You chose this. Okay. Chose that.

So we're looking real good. Yeah. And it's actually interesting. You did look good. So parking at your place is a nightmare. So we decided we're going to park at Vic Garden Shopping Centre and we'll walk the rest of the way. And I didn't really realise until we got out of the car that like,

because we're dressed as cops. And when we got aviators on, every time we pulled up at the lights, people would look at us and they're like, fuck, are they undercover? You know, because we were like fucking gangster. And we looked really good. And like, you know, in a movie when it's like those moments, imagine like a mask kind of movie, like a gladiator or something with a big fight scene at the end. Sure.

And there's always that kind of scene before the fight where everyone's kind of like getting revved up and they're like, oh, here we go. Like, come on. Like when we were walking down, like how pumped was I? I was like, I'm so fucking. Did you feel amazing? Yeah. Are you really feeling yourself?

And then we're walking through Vic Gardens and every single person we walked past, like looked at us and like nodded or like tip the hat or like went like did a double take. It wasn't like one or two people. Not like everyone was like, fuck, look at these guys. And I was like, this is must it would feel like to be a real cop because like the respect from the community and everyone's like, yeah, they're here to serve and protect.

Are you sure they were the looks you were getting? Well, here's where Cam and I differ opinions because you said earlier that we look sexy. Cam thought we looked more like stripper cops. I thought at the time, I thought they thought I was a real cop. Oh, absolutely not. No. You definitely didn't look thought I was a real cop. Oh, absolutely not. No? You definitely didn't look like a real cop.

No? No, absolutely did not look like a real cop. Okay, so I'm- You looked good, but you didn't look like a real cop. Okay, so I'm like, they think we're real cops. No, they didn't. And everyone's like, good day, officer. They probably were like, oh, Halloween's a while away.

I believe Cam used the term, when they see us as stripper cops, they're probably thinking, who are they fucking? Oh, the long dick of the law. That's what they thought. So, and then when Cam pointed that out, I was like, yeah, a real cop's probably not wearing Jordans. No. Or, like, the outfit that you guys are wearing.

Or having three undone buttons. It was Cam's first week on the job, so he just got a police dress out of Lost and Found. Oh, we're a progressive agency. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. A progressive agency. So we've got to bust someone for holding on to a stand-up paddleboard

for longer than they entitled to. So we thought we'd turn up. Is that the official crime that has been committed? Yeah, okay. Well, there was a deal and you didn't hold up the end of the deal, so it needs to be confiscated. Okay. But as previously discussed, it wasn't the time.

It wasn't the time. Which is fine. Thank you. But then, all right, go with me on this one. When you have, you know that feeling, you're having people over for dinner, right? And you get the drinks out and you put all the nibbles out. You've had a shower and you got your makeup on.

You're looking great. The house is all tidy and beautiful. And there's that sort of strange, awkward moment where you're just sitting in your own house by yourself. We've talked about this on the podcast before. Yeah. And because what has happened is it's the feeling of, I've gone to a lot of work, but at this stage,

there is no payoff. Yeah. So Cam and I leave your place after being told today's not the day without the payoff, without the stand-up paddleboard, and then we're just a bunch of stripper cops with no one to fuck. Can I just say I don't think that you carrying a stand-up paddleboard would have helped anything. Actually, yeah.

It's pretty heavy. It's pretty bulky. I don't think that you would have then seen someone on the street, they're like, oh, what are they doing? You're like, oh, I had to confiscate this stand-up paddleboard. I just assumed it would be like a briefcase. A trophy or something. No, it's like a big backpack.

It's huge. Really? Yes. I didn't actually think about that. It's huge a big backpack. Oh. It's huge. Really? Yes. I didn't actually think about that. It's huge and really heavy. Would it have looked more official? And I know where you live in Richmond is nowhere near the beach. I mean, hence the problem of not using it.

Yeah. Would it have been strange if when we confiscated, we blew it up and just like paddled away? Well, yeah. Maybe you could have put it on a couple of the Lime scooters or something. Don't talk about scooters at Vic Gardens, please. Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, maybe I should have been dressed as a cop that day.

Yeah, yeah. Scared those fucking kids stealing my fucking scooter. I think they would have stolen it sooner. Make fun of you. So, okay. So as I picture it, us stripper cops paddle boarding down the road. That would have been a beautiful sight. Yeah, it would have been.

I don't think it would have legitimised the police outfit anymore. Now, when we bought the police outfits, they said, is this to rent or buy? And Cam and I looked at each other and we're like, mate, if you think we're giving this back, you're fucking kidding yourself. So two things. One, we're about to call mel and tell her she's yeah but two um is it can we think of anything between the three of us to justify cam

and i getting dressed up again because we we were like after because this is what we said to ourselves and again i was i was real hot i was in a good mood yeah i was like after we confiscate it let's do a photo shoot i was was like, we look so great. When are we ever going to be dressed like this again? So if anyone has any small crimes they need dealing with, Superintendent Ryan Jonathan Dunsworth and Superintendent Cameron Hutchinson are still open for business. Fuck, we look good.

All right. Well, it's Mel's lucky day. Are you calling Mel in character? Yes. Hello. Hello, is that Melissa? Yes. Hello, Melissa.

It's Superintendent Ryan Jonathan Dunsworth here. Hello, hello. Hi, Mel. I'm not a cop, but I'm here as well. And regular Tony Lodge is also here as well. Hi, Tony. So, Mel, you have a stand-up paddleboard coming your way. I'm just curious to know who you think it's coming from.

Oh, that's a hard one because I believe in Tony. Like, I believe she can really do it. Okay, I've let you down, Mel. You're getting one sup is coming your way from me, from the boot of my car, actually. Bit of sand on it still, I think, from the one time I've used it. Yeah, it's like where's the sand from? Tony, does it hurt more knowing that Mel believed in you?

Yeah, it does. Yeah, it does. I've been getting wet in other ways. Hashtag wet for life, you know. Mel, if you were to, like, take a guess, so Tony had to use it six times to keep it, how many times do you think she stood up on the stand-up paddleboard out of six?

Stood up, I reckon, two. Okay. Well, it was actually zero. But I used it once. I just had to go on my knees because there'd been a recent oil spill. Okay. Well, it was actually zero. But I used it once. I just had to go on my knees because there'd been a recent oil spill. Would you say you'd stood on your knees? Yeah, well, I did it for like 45 minutes on my knees,

which was still hard. You're telling me. Oh, God. But, Mel, I'll message you later and we'll arrange delivery. We'll organise for you now. Are you actually going to personally deliver it, Tony? Or do you need a superintendent, Ryan Jonathan Dunn, to do the heavy lifting? Let's find out the logistics and we'll be able to.

You'll get it, Mel. You'll get it. It's coming. It's coming. Are you still out my way, Eltham way? Absolutely. Oh, great. I'll make Tony drive it.

If she's out your way, then no, I'm not going to drive it. Thanks, Mel. We'll chat to you soon. All right. Bye. Thanks, Mel. We'll chat to you soon. All right, bye. Well, Mel's happy. That's all that matters. Yeah. I'm doing my bit for the community.

You really are. I actually did not do my sapping on purpose so that someone else could enjoy it. I've always said. I'm basically a charity worker. I was about to say, you are very charitable. Now, I do have a You Love To See It. And now this is from a guy called Corey Asprey,

who's like a country singer. Oh, cool. And he's also a dad and he's a great dad. And he's done this little video. I don't know if you've been sent this a hundred times because I've been sent this a hundred times. I have. You have?

You already know this? I know. Open it on your phone. And we'll just let everyone else enjoy this. But basically, this is him saying he's peaked in parenting and i'm all for it okay so i just had my greatest parenting achievement of all time um we were listening to uh morgan wallens last night probably not age appropriate for these ones but uh it says last night we let the liquor talk and my lily right here thought it was last night

we let the leopard talk and i was like no no thought it was last night. We let the leopard talk. And I was like, no, no, no, that's not it. And she goes, well, what is it? And I said, well, it's liquor. And River, this one, five years old, pipes up from the back seat and goes, liquor? I hardly know her. Don't you just love to see that?

I just, when I first saw that, like so many people sent me the video. And when I first saw it, I'm like watching this video and going, why am I being sent? Like it just didn't make any sense. I was like, I don't know the song they're talking about. I don't know who this person is. I'm not a parent. Is this like a parenting thing?

And then when you watch all the way to the end and you go, oh. That is quite good. That is quite good. And the kids are just like adorable as well. And loving themselves sick. They know they've pulled off some comedic goals right there. And she's five years old. Kids are fucking funny.

Hilarious. Kids are fucking funny. Yeah, they're so good. My love to see it is one of our tarpers, the big twig. The big twig. The Big Twig. He lives in Adelaide. And he has started the fucking blog. Yes.

Oh, I think I saw this. Yeah. So The Big Twig has started an Instagram called Ben Twig Writes Fantasy. And he's going to start writing his own fantasy book. That's huge. Yeah. He says, I have started this hashtag writergram and he's going to start writing his own fantasy book. That's huge. Yeah.

He says, I have started this hashtag writergram to document my journey with my new work in progress. Come join me on my journey to finishing my book. Looking forward to sharing more. And I just thought you'd fucking love to see that. We've talked so many times on this podcast about starting the blog and just like taking control and doing your thing. And I thought how amazing. That's the pinnacle of starting the blog and just like taking control and doing your thing. And I thought, how amazing. That's the pinnacle of starting the blog.

Yeah. Fantasy is just like you can do anything you want. Well, you have to create like a world first. Yeah. Like you have to do that before you can even start writing the story. Isn't it exciting to go, it's like playing Sims. You get to create your whole new world from scratch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I'm like for the twig just to go, oh, anything's possible in this world. Yeah. And just like what a great thing to do in your spare time. Like so good for the brain. Yeah. Is he going to have to quit being a 10 Eyewitness News correspondent? Yeah, I believe so.

Because any time. I think it's a conflict of interest. So I think in Adelaide there must be, what, three people in the city? Yeah. So every time the news director of Channel 10 goes, oh, just go hit the streets and ask people what they reckon, they... It's going to be Jenny from RGA or Steve from Accounts

or the big twig. Or Lara Bingle who listens to this pod. Does Lara Bingle... Oh, our Lara Bingle. Our Lara Bingle. I was like, does Lara Bingle live in Adelaide? Yeah, probably. Anyway,

I thought you fucking love to see that. You do love to see that. And if you have started the blog, let us know. Should we put the form up? Yeah, let's do it.

Alright, we're going to put a form in our Facebook group and you can tell us all about your blog which is like projects, side hustle,

YouTube, podcasts, small business, going back to uni, whatever it is. And we're going to make like a little directory on the website so we can all go check out each other's, in inverted commas, blogs. So it's going to be like a type of directory.

So if you go, oh, well, I'd love to listen to some new music, you could go in there and find, you know, your mate's bloody started recording an EP in a kitchen or something. Do we get to put your playlist on there? Is that a blog? Not quite. I do do it that a blog? Not quite. I do do it as a blog on Patreon sometimes. So technically I guess it is.

We'll just put our Patreon as our one. Yeah. Get that one. Go check it out. All right. We'll chat to you tomorrow for a video show. And tomorrow. I've committed a crime.

Yes. I've got caught in some terrible traffic law. Can Cam and I get dressed up? Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, finally you were there. That would have been great. Can you recreate it?

How funny is when they do Crime Stoppers and they do those recreate... It's like you grow up wanting to be an actor. Like, oh, so you're in movies or TV? Like, no, I do those recreations on Crime Stoppers. Yeah, Channel 9. Yeah. All right. We'll chat to you tomorrow.

Love you. Bye.