Toni and Ryan - The Hottest Grandpa Ever

Episode Date: October 19, 2025

[VIDEO FOR THIS EP AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE] Funeral comedy - Hot Take Toni - Mango eating - love ya!!!!!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Book on emirates.ca. This episode is sponsored by the Audible original Pride and Prejudice, an intimate performance that will have you falling in love with the Jane Austen classic all over again, one of the greatest romance novels ever written. Your wife Bridges are Pride and Prejudice fan, isn't she? Huge, loves it. Well, she'll love this. It stars a full cast, including Marisa Abella as Elizabeth Bennett and Harris Dickinson as

Mr Darcy, plus Marianne Jean-Baptiste, Will Poulter, Bill Nye and Glenn Close as Lady Catherine DeBerg. This new adaptation is vibrant and modern with an original new score by a Grammy-nominated composer. Whether you're fresh to Pride and Prejudice or want to revisit a cherished favourite, you're in for a new and delightful listening experience. Listen to the new Pride and Prejudice at audible.ca slash Jane Austen. My grandpa was cremated

And we were taking his ashes from the crematorium To his favourite parklands to kind of spread them around So I'm in there and I said Jesus hot in here And my grandma without missing a beat goes You're warm Your grandpa was literally just set on fire Imagine how he fits

It's Kay and Ziggy from Boston Maps in the US I'm Benjamin from Santa Feena Mexico I'm Sarah from the Sunshine Curry And I approve this podcast I'm happy Monday. Welcome to the show. Happy Monday to you. Happy Monday. I'm Ryan. This is Tony. We are the Tony and Ryan podcast. Tony is our queen. I am the vice captain of the ship. I haven't said that for a while, but it is my link. in bio and I just wanted to let everyone know.

Are you changing it? I'm not. Oh, you'd have to let us know. I'll let you know. What I would like to say, though, is that I was late this morning. Okay. And I apologize. But I actually had the, you know how on the road there's like a gym or there's like a, it's like a boot campy gym?

Like they just have classes and stuff, like a CrossFit or an F-45 type gym. Like on high street you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm driving down there. It was 932. Yeah. And this poor bitch is like interactive. We're sprinting to get to the thing.

And I'm like, she's probably got a 930 class and it's 9.32. Like, come on, mate, get it together. Yeah. And then I realized that I was supposed to be here at 9.30. Yeah. So I'm judging her being late for her class while I'm in the car still five minutes from 20s.

So I just want to, okay, maybe I'll just. just rain it in. Yeah. And just... That's okay. Yeah. Um, that, there's a class around here, though. I don't know if it's the same one.

But they go... Yeah, because I've been obviously, um, over there. Um, they do like running on the street as part of the class. Yeah, they do the warm up. Like, go to the thing and come back. Yeah. Or like, part of their circuit is that they fucking sprint around the block or something. I'm like, no.

If I wanted to sprint around the block, I wouldn't pay for it. If I could, if sprinting around the block was what I would. wanted to participate in, I would do that for free. Yeah. I also think that the place pays rent for their place and not the fucking public sidewalk. So then you're walking around like a fat piece of shit with a croissant and a large milky coffee. And then there's 15 ripped people in slick black active where making me feel fucking horrible

about myself. Yeah. And you know that they've already been up and like cleaned their bathroom. You know? Yeah. You know, you know that. I've already been up and done like three Zoom calls and like had a fucking pumpkin spice latte. So true.

Not fat. Yeah. No, I know. But the one over there, I just always see them. I'm like, get it together. Run inside. So speaking of joyful things today, we're talking about funerals. Yeah.

Actually, you know what? I love it. Yeah. Is it true that you in a separate life would be a funeral director? Yeah, I would love it. Because when I wanted to become. a celebrant, I was like, I would rather do funerals than weddings, because there's not a lot of young people that do funerals.

Yeah. And when, Grim, one of my best friends died during COVID, and I had to watch the thing on Zoom, so fucking traumatic, by the way. Oh, yeah. Like, watching that and then, like, closing the laptop and just, like, being in my apartment in Melbourne. And I was like, did, like, wear a nice top? Miss you.

Well, I did because I wanted to, like, so she, like, loved glitter. And so I wore, like, something really colorful. And then on the thing, everybody was wearing colorful stuff. Thank God for that. Imagine if you were the only one. Only one. But your camera, my camera wasn't on. It was just like a stream.

Yeah. So they couldn't see me. But, yeah, imagine everyone's in black and I'm like wearing this rainbow shirt. You just come in from the nightclub the night before. But her husband, like, had like glitter in his moustache and stuff. She, like, loved glittery lipstick. Anyway, and like the person who did the funeral was, like, like old fucked all the names up and like called her husband her brother and like and I was just

like oh because you don't get a lot of time like my mom died on the Monday and the funeral was on Thursday. Holy shit. Yeah or the Wednesday maybe. What are they still warm? Well literally because they were like oh you can wait two weeks or we can do it in two days and I was like two days. Yeah. Like let us not get it over with but like the two weeks what you're just waiting for and it was really like stressful so I bet you'd rather like yeah yeah so and then you meet the person who direct does the funeral once they don't really know your family but because I'm pretty good at like chat it I was like I think I'd be good at that I think you would be good at that next time I die I would love to do yours thank you yeah and do a little tight five at the top oh fuck yeah like this isn't my day yeah it's your day it's your stage yeah last week at tarpa shared that they took a stack at a funeral yeah so today we're doing funeral fails and it's funny that you mentioned the names because tarpa peter oh hi tarpa peter she oh petea petea come i love peter's name same i love it yeah i don't know if it's just

because i also have a bisexual name but i just love it there was a girl at our school called peter and she was hot as fuck and so i think everyone's just like like who went to altham high's like back in the day like early home and away there was a girl called peter on home and away and i remember being like oh i love that because um torbs he's called Alex and I'm called Tony oftentimes if we go somewhere is Alex like an nickname or something oftentimes when we go somewhere we have to be like yeah Tony and Alex and I'm like I'm Tony and he's Alex because they always get confused because I could be in Alexandria and he could be a Tony wheel why yeah oh we got it yeah anyway back to Peter

The priest at my Nana's funeral kept getting her name wrong but every time he fucked it up it just got funnier and funnier and my sister and I became hysterical to the point where we're like pissing ourselves laughing in the front row and it's just so inappropriate to be laughing

and you just know that everyone's like that's really fucked up but like so to hide it and we had to pretend that our huge laughs were actually us wailing crying which for those of you playing along at home if you're laughing and pretending to cry this is what it sounds like

and if you're in the front row no one can say anything yeah no one can turn around because you're at the front Chelsea Moore I bet she does When it was your mum's funeral, did you have people come that, like, didn't know her that well, we're just like, well, it's Tony's mom, so I'm going to be there to support my friend.

Yeah, that kind of energy. All of us kids had friends there. Because that's what Chelsea did. Yeah. She's like, it was my friend's mom. She was at my mom's funeral. Oh, thanks, Chelsea. Yeah, I was there for Liz.

Yeah. No, she was like, it was my friend's mother and I didn't know the mother, but it was a friend. And I was like, well, it's a tough day for you. So I'm going to go and I'm going to show my respects. because, you know, it's a tough day for you. No, that's really lovely. You weren't at my mum's funeral. It's okay.

I wasn't. I'm sorry about that. I didn't know. Would you have? Like, I didn't even know you though. No, but like, say if my mom died today. Oh, God. Poor bitch.

Yeah. Oh, no. What happened? Like, would you come? Of course I would. Yeah. Nah, so true. I would come to your mums.

I would do the thing. I would lead it. You'd be hosting. She would love that because she loves color and loud things. Yeah. I didn't know any of the family, didn't really know anyone. So I just, you know, I'll say up the back, I'll like, you know, pay money. Because you can't take plus one.

No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they're at the cemetery. So sad. Yeah. They're at the wrong one.

Oh. My friend and her family were about 100 metres away. made another plot. Don't know what I felt more bad about. Missing my friend's mother's service or crashing someone else's. You know the movie wedding crashes? Yeah.

When Wilferyl's like, nah, doing funerals now. Oh my God. Oh. And so it finished and she's sort of like, oh, where's fucking old man?

She's like, oh, I didn't know they have different last names. That's weird. Okay. Yeah. Like. But it was like an old school

Italian funeral of wedding or like just oh it's drunk I didn't really yeah she's like oh Kelsey Smith and her I'm saying

was Giodano Vasachi I didn't expect that um yeah so afterwards they're like leaving and they go oh I think oh

and then the friend goes wasn't her beautiful service she goes yeah Giodano Versace's was awesome I actually was up the up the road there uh

uh okay we've done medical comedy yeah i think this is the height of of funeral comedy yep this is from jemma hi jemma my grandpa was cremated and we were taking his ashes from the crematorium to his favorite parklands to kind of spread them around beautiful and we're in this fancy old like ceremonial funeral car you know like the procession sort of thing the hearse the hearse yeah and there's no air conditioning and it was a whole hot day. And so I'm in there and I said,

Jesus hot in here. And my grandma without missing a beat goes, you're warm, your grandpa was literally just set on fire. Imagine how he feels. Imagine how he feels. Oh, I've been sweaty in the back,

is it? Oh, sorry, you'll be warm. He burned. His crispy ashes. Okay. Gemma actually had a fucking 57,000 things that happened at that funeral.

She also, so they're at the service and he said, which I think he's like, don't, like, in his wheel was like, no flowers. I'm really, like, I've got this charity that means a lot to me. So instead of spending $20 on, I'd rather you put it there. And so at the end of the service. Um, so he's been cremated. Yep. And, uh, one of the people that work at the, the funeral place, like, walk out with the box and hand it to the uncle. Mm-hmm.

And he's like, oh, like, you know, like, imagine dropping. Oh, yeah. And so it's heavy as well. Yeah. So he's like trembling. And it's sort of like a semi-distant uncle, but they've gone to your family right. Here you go. And he's, uh, it turns out he had the box of. donations

but he thought he had that he's like no don't but like he's in the car and like and it's just like

and because you would and he goes it is heavy of course because there's lots of coins and fucking notes and cards

and shit was he like God he's a bit jingly was he wearing did he have metal buttons imagine he's like

why did he get cremated and put in a piggyback he's in a piggyback he's in a piggyback Did they melt down his ashes and put it into a novelty check? What's the check for? It's actually my grandpa's ashes. Why didn't they cry him and put him in a dollop on to get?

It's Kay and Sinky from Boston, Mass, in the US. I'm Benjamin from Santa Fe, New Mexico. I'm Sarah from the Sunshine Coast. And girls sing at 29. We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe, but this time, why not look a little further? To Dubai, a city that everyone talks about and has absolutely everything you could want from a vacation destination.

From world-class hotels, record-breaking skyscrapers, and epic desert adventures, to museums that showcase the future, not just the past. Choose from 14 flights per week between Canada and Dubai. Book on emirates.ca. today. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tappers over at our Patreon. Funeral chat's over, but it will be back. It's not.

It will be back, yeah. Oh, and just to let you know, my grandpa was cremated and now he used this ice coffee in a can. The word you're looking for is reincarnated, I believe. No, but this is just the ashes. Because that's not reincarnation. That's just what you melted down into. Well, my mom was cremated. Is cremated?

I don't really know what the tense. What she now? Like an outdoor chair or something? Well, she got cremated and then we buried the ashes. So she has like a plot. But it's not her, like, it's not like a casket of her body. Like she's being cremated. And it's like so nice that there's a place that you can like go. And you've visited a few times.

Drop the book off. I've visited a lot. I obviously it's in Perth So I can't go now Don't love her that much Anyway Massage that up to a few of our January time I was May Wells

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That's for Champion Tarpers. For champion Tarpers. Now, on a Monday, Tony drops a hot take. Yep. Is it hotter than Gemma's grandpa? Um, no, I think that... Well, Gemma's grandpa currently or at the time? At the time.

Oh, I don't think anything's hotter than that. Um... Because have you seen Gemma's grandpa? Nah, wow. A hottie. He's dead. May rest in peace Charles have we remembered her stick

We haven't Do you want me to get the stick? No I think it's okay But how will I know if I've been scorched? Oh I'm not going up with this dumbbell Oh there goes There goes the other one Oh it's rolling on the ground

They're only two kilos He was lucky it wasn't heavy It would have gone through the floor Because I've been having to do Because I've obviously can't do a full buddy So I'd be sitting on the couch And like doing my I thought you were going to go past

You're like oh I haven't been doing my usual so I've just been been busy just got to keep in form so when I get back on the back on the track I'll be ready to go so I'll just scorch you with this

because Charles is busy at the moment holding my daughter my hot take is that mango is a private food you've been scorched we are coming red hot

into mango season. Yeah. And thank GOD. I love mangoes. They're Charles's favorite fruit. Do you like Matthew Hayden, the cricketer? Because he's got a cookbook

that only involves mangoes. That is good to know. I'll have to buy it. It's a niche reference. You should look that up, Charles. Can you get that for Christmas? It's because he's from Queensland.

Yes. Yeah, we'll get you that for Christmas. It's because he's from Queensland. So they're like, oh, we're in Queensland. So how do we put mango on it? That's amazing.

Didn't you know that? No. We've got to spend more time in Queensland. I would actually love to. Yeah. Should we, move to Queensland. Sunshine Coast getting a new airport.

Is it actually? Yeah. How do you know that? Have you not read airports daily this morning? No, I haven't. Airports today. Dot com.a.u. No, big news.

Yeah. Oh, good for them. And they deserve it. They really. And the great people of the Sunshine Coast deserve it. They really deserve it. So we're coming in Hot to Mango season. They're still not quite there.

Like they're, They're on the cusp. They're tad green still. Still a little bit tight, but they're coming in. But the other day, Torbs and I, we were out and about in the car, and on the way home, we stopped at shopping centre, at the supermarket to get a few things. And you know, like, when there's like a cafe next to a supermarket or whatever, they've got like all the chairs out the front and you're at like the entrance of the supermarket.

I was sitting in the car and there was. someone walked out of the coals with a mango and like had obviously gotten a knife from the cafe which is so fucking rogue and it's just and they sat down at the table and chairs at this cafe and we're just fully eating out this mango like you you know how we have the same brain, this is what I've been thinking for the last 27 seconds. That they were going to eat it out. Why are you allowed to eat a mango in public, but not allowed to eat pussy in public? Because it's the same fucking thing.

Chapter. Honestly, genuinely, if you can't eat pussy, you can't eat a mango. And I've always said that. I would actually say it's cleaner and less fucked. to eat a pussy than a mango. Yeah, well, you're not all sticky after.

Depends how you do it, yeah. Literally, if you're not messy than eating a mango, you're not doing it right. If you don't need a napkin after, you haven't done it right. You know when sometimes you just like,

eat a mango. And you've got to have a shower after. because you saw your whole face is covered in it oh yeah yeah yeah and you get the little hairy bits in your teeth yeah and then a mango as well have a mango after ever snuck a finger in the back of a mango if the time's right yeah yeah but my whole take is that rewording the old take the old take is now anywhere you wouldn't eat a pussy should be somewhere you would need a mango. Yes.

You've been scotch. I actually take it back. That was hotter than Gemma's grandpa. Honestly. And this fucking person, just his old Italian man, just had no shame, mate. They don't.

Old Italian man and fucking just... Like, but he was just obviously like, oh, what a beautiful mango. Yeah, I just sit outside in the sun. Like, I get the vibe. But it was just so intrusive. Yeah. Yeah.

Did he do the like slice, slice, slice, slice, slice, slice, cube? Yeah. Pop it out. So you do pop the butt of it. You do. You do. You do hit it from the back. Yeah.

I saw, actually, this is unrelated, but I saw someone on Instagram the other day, be like, oh, what do people in other countries call it when you slice the mango and then cube it and then turn it out so you can like eat the pieces? Yeah. What do people in other countries call that? Because in Australia, we call it. the Sydney Harbour Bridge. We don't call that. We don't do that.

We don't fucking do that. I've never heard that in my goddamn life. You've made that up. 1,000% or your mum said it once and it's like caught on for you. People don't say that. So hang, what is it called? How would you use it in a sentence? How would you like this mango?

Oh, Sydney Harbour bridged. That sounds a bit like eating a pussy. Oh, I'd like it. London bridged, you know? How come there. I don't know what it's called, but it's certainly not called that. It's called eating a mango. Google says it's called the Hedgehog method.

That's cuter. And it makes it, when you say that, it kind of makes sense. I don't think that the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I don't think he'll pay that. Is he trying to talk about the opera house? Because it's like, oh my God, that's actually what he said. Because of the bumpy shawl and it's pushed out. That is actually what he said, but I still don't think it's right.

I've still never heard it called that. Never heard it. Yeah. I got the wrong thing. But like I hated the other one 100 out of 100 and I hate this like 98 out of 100. Sorry. I still hate it. I should have led with the Opera House though.

But either way, I get the shape for both. Like it's like the arch. It's not right though. I've never heard that. Lily. Have you seen the other way that people cut it on TikTok? So they cut it through. the middle and then they pop out one side and then eat it like so it's a little bowl and then

they eat it with a spoon. What about the pip? How do you cut it through the middle with the like an avocado? Yeah. No. I hate that. I don't think that they would open very easily because the hair on the mango pip, I watched a video the other day. I think I'm just getting into this kind of age where like everything that I see online is like, well, feed topples this. And I got this video and it was like, a really great food to feed a toddler early is a mango pip because it doesn't break, you can get the flesh off it, but doesn't break down. I was like, that sounds terrible. When I eat like a mango and then you kind of like suck on the pip a bit, you get all the

fucking, yeah, fuck that. Who are these people? Get off TikTok. True. Tony, should we in Patreon, in a live from DCI or something? Eat a pussy. I was going to say eat a. mango.

Same thing. Pretty much. And we'll just both eat a mango up close and the challenge for everyone else is to... Not jerk off. So... No, redact that. You've said it. It's live.

We're taking calls. 1-800 Tony and Ryan. Would you eat a mango in public? Great takes. I've got a... You'll love to see it. This is on Patreon. Taylor and Ari.

this story and I'll allow the joint account because the message is really sweet. Taylor says my spouse who had previously dropped out of college and had a tough time studying and getting who's school just graduated with their bachelor's degree and is starting grad school. Fuck yeah. How amazing is that? What did he study? Mangoes. I'm not sure what they're studying.

But they say the road was long but I'm so proud of them for just fucking keep it on going and getting it done and wanted to share some good news. Fuck yeah. So thank you so much, Taylor. I love to see that. My love to see it is in the Tony and Ryan Facebook group, Amanda Robinson posted this. Hi, Amanda. And it said,

Amanda. How you're currently feeling plus the last thing you ate is the name of your podcast. Oh. So what would your podcast be, Tony? Don't say pussy. Happy Wheat Bix podcast. Which sounds like a mom, like a parenting podcast. So I want you to rate these podcasts that obviously,

don't exist. But these Gostapas have said, well, mine would be this. Yeah. Tam says, well, she's hosting the Sleepy Fingerbun podcast. If you know what's pissed me off this week? Welcome to Cranky Toast. The Cranky Toast to me sounds like a cookbook written by like like the barefoot contessa.

Yeah. Like, oh, the cranky toast. The cranky, yeah. Raven Hiltz. Sorry, wrong. That is so Raven. He's hosting the sick ice cream cake. I'd eat that.

That sounds delicious. Cool, her, a mango. What a sick ice cream cake. Debbie is hosting the happy Cadbury dream Fredo Frog. Oh, so that's been a partnership one. That one's been sponsored. It's a branded, it's a branded podcast. Natalie is hosting the Tired Tarko.

Another sexy one. And Ryan John says, welcome to the horny Maxibon podcast. Another branded one. Yeah, welcome, welcome, welcome. All right. Thanks for hanging out with us today. Tomorrow we have confessions.

I think I'm going to have to change it. Okay. Because this, and because of what we've talked about today, and just recently, the first confession is, but this mirrored the first sentence this is not just a confession it's also a recommendation

on how to get yourself off eat a mango out the front of the calls but are we ready for that after today or do we need to like hose it down a little yeah no it's a full day between them yeah okay well everyone rest up don't eat too many mangoes de savo

and we'll chat to you tomorrow love you bye We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe, but this time, why not look a little further? To Dubai, a city that everyone talks about and has absolutely everything you could want from a vacation destination. From world-class hotels, record-breaking skyscrapers,

and epic desert adventures, to museums that showcase the future, not just the past. Choose from 14 flights per week between Canada and Dubai. Book on emirates.ca. Thank you.