Toni and Ryan - The 'M' Word

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

You'll NEVER guess what the M word is! Love uCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author, best-selling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. Hello. And we, actually, I'll let Becca tell you her town name. Oh. Because it sounds like a good time. Does it? Oh, is it called like Burger and Fries, Mississippi or something? Because that sounds like a good time. Hello.

Becca! It's Tony and Ryan. How are you doing? Hi. Good. How are you? We are very well. Becca, Ryan tells me that you live somewhere that sounds pretty fun. Whereabouts are you? Oh, I'm in Funkstown, Maryland in the USA. Oh, Funkstown.

I thought it was Funky Town. Oh. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Yeah. My mistake. I just saw the funk. I just watched Shrek 2 last night and that song is in the beginning of it. So that's really made my day.

This is coincidence chat, Becca, and we were definitely supposed to talk to you today. Becca, do you have anything more to add? If Tony's watched Shrek 2, I don't think either of us can top that. No, yeah, my life is pretty boring. I am just messaging the TARP group chat right now about how excited I am to talk to you guys. So pretty much all that's going on, my life is pretty boring. I am just messaging the group chat right now about how excited I am to talk to you guys. So pretty much all that's going on in my life. A little group chat name drop.

Yeah. Must be nice. Wow. Must be nice. The group chat made it out of the group chat, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Well, have they given you approval, Becca, to approve this episode? They did, yes.

They are blowing up my phone right now. All right. Well, Becca, will you approve this podcast? Yes, absolutely. I approve this podcast. Yeah! I'm convinced you don't know the song. Hey, it's Becca from Funktown, and I approve this podcast.

Welcome to the show. Hello. Today we're doing confessions. They are submitted anonymously. I was going to say synonymously admitted because my brain is early. Yeah. And I'm nervous because the first – these are top confessions. Top Tony and Ryan podcast.

A neighbourly feud resulted in a murder charge. Neighbourly feud? Yeah. You know, sometimes it's a bit of like your lawn's creeping over to my thing yeah so murder and this has been submitted by a tarpa anonymously across the street from me two next door neighbors hate each other so she's always like peering out the window seeing these other two like go at it oh my god i cannot imagine being in that situation where like the person next to you like you either don't feel safe or they were always doing something to piss you off like that's your house you're supposed to just like feel so safe there and yeah one night one

of them had a party so the other one called the cops and made a noise complaint you know hoping to kind of get them in trouble were Were they like old biddies? No. I think they were like two blokes in their 30s or 40s, you know, just like suburban dad kind of energy. That's what I'm getting. The cops turn up and he's had a few drinks and he starts getting a bit mouthy with the police because the police like turn it down. He's like, don't you tell me what to do.

And the cops go, we're taking you downtown, mate. Like we're going to have to put you in the tank for a few hours and disturbing the peace or whatever because he just was being really rude to them. But also isn't like I'm not obliging to what a policeman's asking. That's like a, yeah. Obeying police instruction. Orders or something.

Yeah. So they take him downtown. And what a show. That would have been a loan for the neighbour. You know that he's looking through the curtains going like, this asshole. Got him. Yeah.

So they take him downtown. They, you know, run a few checks, watch your name, put it in the system. It turns out the man was a wanted drug smuggler and he committed a murder in the 80s. What? He changed his name and his appearance and has been successfully hiding and just laying low for the last 30 years.

Someone needs to tell this guy what laying low means. The noise complaint was the only reason he got caught. Committed a murder, like a real-life murder. And he was just living next door, doing his thing. They were having a dispute about the fucking lawn or who goes knows what. Yeah. And he gets put away in the big house for like, I'm assuming, a very, very long time.

And the neighbour's like. And he's got my ninja cockle. Yeah. Yeah. Could you imagine? That does not. Oh, my God. And so you imagine everyone goes, oh, yeah, he got taken away for that noise combine.

I'm guessing he'll be home later today or something. And then, you know. And all those people are in his house. He's having a party. They're still there. They're raging. Yeah. And you can imagine the confessor.

Could you imagine when she's down the park with a dog and they go, oh, did you hear what happened to Gary? You know what I mean? The fucking wildfire of rumours spreading through that suburb. And all right, if you had to, like, I know you're not a feuding, disputing type. I'm not. But let's just put ourselves in the position of there's this guy next door.

He's really fucked you off. He's getting under your grill. Yeah. Could it have worked out better? Literally. It's like, maybe I'll get a noise complaint, that'll annoy him. And then he goes to jail for 50 years. You go, what?

Show him. It was really loud. Yeah. So apparently there's still like a lot of whispers and he said, she said he never came back. And then the for sale sign goes out a few months later and like, yeah. And neighbourly gossip is massive. Huge.

So like three streets away from us, a house sold for heaps of money. Like it went like well and truly, like the most expensive house sold in the suburb in the last however long. It went for like $1.6 or $7 million or something. And everyone's talking about it. The other day I saw someone in the street. They go, did you hear about that house over there? And I went, yeah, I did.

And then I went to Pilates and one of the women there is like, oh, so I live on Blah Avenue. Did you hear about that house? I said, oh, so I live on Blar Avenue. Did you hear about that house? I said, yeah, 1.7 million. She goes, yeah. And then they killed a guy. But like so neighbourly, like it literally can be as little as what I'm saying, but something like a murder, that is crazy.

Start a podcast. Fuck, you'd dine out on that for fucking ever, eh? 100%. Like you would literally, that is a party story. Yes. Every time you go to a party with anyone from that street, they go, oh, let me tell you what happened in our street. Did I tell you that in 2024 I lived in blah and thing happened?

Sit down, mate. I've got a better one. Do you know what I mean? Like that would be your story forever. Please send your naively disputes through to tonyandryan.com.au. Obviously it's going to be hard to top that, but I fucking live for this shit. I think like send us your parties.

What's the story you fucking roll out? Because everyone's got something that happened to a friend of a mate of theirs or whatever. You're talking like someone that doesn't manage the inbox. Sorry. Sorry. And tell us every detail and make sure it's as long as possible. Because I'm thinking about like.

No, it's great. Because you know when sometimes we get confessions and they're like, it's like they obviously need to get it off their chest. You go, well, it's not really a great story, but I hope you're doing okay. We get a few that are like that. Yeah, a few of those. But we can't get back to anybody because it's all anonymous. No, don't give an example.

Don't give an example. But we get a lot like that. But I feel like we need those stories that people just go, oh, have I got something for you. Well, have I got something for you right here. Because that was amazing. Workplace hookup confession from an orange ass. One night at a staff party.

Hang on. An orange ass? Yeah. Like clockwork. Fake tan. Fake tan. Fake tan. One night at a staff party, I had a new fake tan on

and I was feeling great and looking fine. Isn't an office party, it's like the neighbor chat. Isn't that just where fucking things go west? After many drinks and lots of laughs, most people had left except for my boss. We kissed. And then he lifted me up and put me on one of the hot desks where we had sex and what a hot desk it was.

That just gave me a little fanny flutters. That's quite a hot story. Yeah. Have you ever? In a workplace? In the office? No. Oh, that's a workplace? In the office? No. Oh, that's a yes if you've ever heard one.

Nah. Nah, but like I'm always like want to be able to say I had just for like the lol of it, but I don't think so. Sorry. That was intrusive. Oh. But like you've never done that in a workplace? Nah.

Nah. Me either. Thanks for asking. Tony, have you ever done that in a workplace? No. No. Me either. Thanks for asking. Tony, have you ever done? No, I haven't. I came into work the next morning to find a big tanned ass print on the table. That's why I ordered black desks.

Big black desks so that you couldn't see it. My fake tan. Oh, fuck, that is so funny. I need to see a photo of that. Did they send a picture? Can you submit a photo? They can email, but then we'll know their email address and they may out themselves, but we won't share the email address.

We would never share who you are or any name, but if you've got a pic of that, I would fucking. I'm pretty sure they kind of went, you know, like quickly. Get the chucks out. Yeah. You love to say that though, don't you? Caught orange arsed instead of red handed. Hey, it's Becca from Funkstown

and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our Champion Tapas over at our Patreon. Lots of good exclusive stuff over there. Yep. We do live streams for champion tapas and hopefully a few of the people that have seen those are Tiana. Thanks, Tiana.

Thanks, Tiana. Lindsay Pertz, Malcolm Porritt, Gloria Olsen, and Lita Botello. Thank you very much. Thanks, Botello. Bloody love to see it. Love to see it. Love to see it. So the other day, Friday morning actually last week,

I decided to catch up with a girlfriend at a cafe like before our work day kind of started. Okay. You know when you kind of go, oh, like, well, why don't we just like catch up for coffee before? Oh, I've got a 10 o'clock. Oh, I've got to do something, blah. Yep.

And it is very fun of me because i don't do a lot of stuff like that would you say you're not fun i don't think i'm not fun i'm definitely getting more fun i'm like starting to do more stuff you're on a fun journey a fun journey a fun movement yep in my life um but i'm like quite i get quite stressed like about time like i worry that i'm going to be late or that if I stop and have coffee then, oh, but is that going to throw my day out? So when I decided that I was going to catch up with this girlfriend, I was like, oh, if I catch up with her,

what will the rest of my day look like? And because I'd already branched out into thinking, well, I'm going to go for coffee in the morning, I was like, you know what? I've got a meeting in the city after that. I'm going to leave from the cafe, jump

on the train. The train? And go into the city. So we're, okay. Just have a few liberties today. For a meeting. Just making up stuff. Or as in that I was catching a few liberties today. For a meeting. Just making up stuff. Oh, as in that I was catching a train. Was it a form of public transport?

Was it a magic carpet? No, it was the train. Was it a unicorn? It was the train. It was the train. Was it a whole new world? Like a magic carpet? It was the train.

Okay. And I was like, oh, because from where I was, I was like I could catch the train halfway and then get the tram or I could catch the train the whole way and then need to do a bit of a walk at the end. Yep. And I was breaking in on this day, breaking in some new Doc Martens and I thought, well, I'll do the train and then the tram.

The Docs are a hard one though. They are, yeah. And because I always wear platforms, they take a long time because the sole doesn't bend. Yep. Like because it's thick. Yeah. So it takes a while. Anyway, so I've got my day down to soul doesn't bend. Yeah. Like, because it's thick. Yeah. So, it takes a while.

Anyway, so, I've got my day down to like a fine art. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, my God, look at me, woman of the town, going out for coffee in the morning and then I'm going to meet someone in the city for a meeting and I'm just, how will this stuff to do? I'm like, oh, my God, look at me. Had a little bum bag with my AirPods in it. Like, I was really feeling myself.

Anyway, so. That will get Tony Rast up. And it did. And I was also wearing, like I said, I was breaking in a new pair of doc martens still am uh they take a while yeah but i was wearing a great outfit okay i was wearing like a um black pants these lofa doc martens and i was wearing like this beautiful woolen cardigan like you know like when it's that real soft wool yeah and it was just like this beautiful. Like, you know, like when it's that real soft wool? Yeah. And it was just like this beautiful fucking cardigan. It's like a blanket you want to lay back in it and just be engulfed

by the jacket. So cosy. Anyway, so I'm like sitting there, we're having coffee. We have some, grab some food. I had a little toasty, a little chicken avocado toasty, which was fucking not bad. Yep. If I do say so myself.

You didn't make it. I didn't, but it was like fucking. If I don't say so myself, you didn't make it. I didn't, but it was like fucking. If I don't say so myself, you didn't make it. I ordered it. It did a great job. And just before I'm like, oh, we're kind of wrapping up. I'm like, you know what? I'll go to the bathroom because I'm about to jump on the train

for fucking probably 30 minutes. Yep. I walk into the bathroom and behind the toilet there's like a shelf on the wall. Yeah. And they had like, you know, they've got those like dried flower arrangement or those diffuser sticks or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And this toilet had one of those like Glade puffer things. Oh, so when is it by sensor and it goes or just every 15 minutes? I think it's like you set it up for every 15 minutes. Yeah. Because when I walked in, like, it didn't, like, so. Important note, you had long COVID and couldn't smell for a very long time. Yeah. Where are we up to?

Yeah, no, so I can smell now. Ah, you're back. Okay. Just thought I'd double check that. Yeah, thanks. And so, it puffs every 15, 30 minutes or fucking whatever. Anyway, I stand up. I go to the toilet.

Yep. I stand up, flush the toilet. As I'm turning around to flush the toilet, the thing bizzes off, puffs into my face, into my clothes, everything. Oh, my God. What the fuck? That's a hazard. And the puffer thing, like-

Because of the shelf, the height. The height of the shelf plus the Doc Martens. Everything's just lined up perfectly. And it's hit me like in the shoulder, across the tit, right into the cardigan. So my mum just got a collar for her dog Kenny that when he barks, it sprays citronella oil into its face. Were you barking at the time?

And your mum gave me this beautiful necklace and no. And you go. Hi, Ryan. That's a hazard. So I stand up from the toilet. You've been hosed down. It fucking puffs into my face and I smell like sick, sweet toilet fucking smell. They're supposed to smell nice and I guess like sick, sweet toilet fucking smell.

They're supposed to smell nice and I guess it's to distract you from the poop smell but they're fucking, yeah. And it's like a really constant because they're normally like sprays out oils to like bring. Well, it's for a whole room, not for one face. Not for one fucking tit and armpit. Yeah. Into my beautiful fucking cardigan.

Oh, no. And so like because it's wool it's like soaked the smell straight in right anyway i'm covered in this fucking toilet air freshener and i'm like fuck i've got to like go meet these people like i had to get on the train i've got to meet these people got all this shit to do and i've timed my day perfectly yeah so i have time for this shit i don't i literally don't have time for this shit. I literally don't have time for this shit. I walk out to my girlfriend and I'm like about to tell her what happened. As I'm telling her, she's like listening like this, like smiling, listening.

Then she goes. And I was like, you can smell it, can't you? She goes. Smell what? Smell what? Smell what? I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you mean. She put like berries her face into my tit and armpit.

And I'm like, can you smell this? And she goes. No. It's fine. It's okay. That's fine. And I have to then like, I'm like, well, I've got it. Like, I've literally got to go.

So I jump on the train. Did any dogs follow you to the station? No, but a couple of janitors went, she needs a fucking wipe. Where do I know that from? And people were looking at me like that. Where do I know that scent from? Because you know the smell that it is, but it's in the wrong scenario. Like when you smell that in a toilet, you go, well, I know what that is.

Right smell in the wrong place. That's the new song. I love it. Yep. That's honestly, Taylor Swift, I thought she was in the room. She was for a second. And so all these people look at me like, where is that coming from? And they probably thought that I was just wearing the rankest,

cheapest fucking perfume. Or do they go, this bitch can't afford perfume. So what she does is she goes to a local cafe and hoses herself down with toilet spray. With the Glide Puffer. Yeah, that's what she does. That's her move. It's the lodge effect.

Yeah. And you know when sometimes you're wearing an outfit that you go, oh, that T-shirt, that goes with a jacket. Yep. I was wearing a T-shirt that looked quite good with the cardigan on top but not without the cardigan. Right. It was an undershirt.

Yes. Yes. Exactly. It was an undershirt. Precisely. Yeah. And so I can't take the cardigan off and I can't like leave it in my fucking car because-

You don't have one at this time. And that's why you should never get public transport. That's the lesson. That's 100% the lesson. Were there any looks when you got to your destination? Or did you feel the need to explain? I had to go into this quite cool place in Collingwood. And I'm just like- I'm like outside for a bit,

trying to shake the smell off. Was it a windy day? Could you have just- because once I was standing near a bonfire, you know how you use a cavern and smoke? Yeah, we were talking about that the other day. Yeah, and I'm like, oh, if it's a windy day, you've just got to literally stand outside and let the windows work. And just hope not.

It was not, and like I felt so embarrassed because I was like, oh, and you know when you explain it, it's so much worse. Yeah. So I'm just like trying. Yeah, I know. I'm here right now. I'm trying to rock it. I'm trying to just be like, what smell?

Like maybe if I don't bring it up. But anyway, the whole fucking day I fucking stank. And it made me feel a bit sick because it's so sweet. It was starting to make me feel like a bit crook. Yeah, it's like fumes in your, yeah, like. But it's not because it's the oil. So it just fucking stuck to me. It was disgusting. That is, that sucked. Have you, have you, I know you were in a rush's the oil. So it just fucking stuck to me. It was disgusting.

That sucked. I know you're in a rush on the day. Yeah. But do you feel the need to go back to the place? And say something? And just go, hey, just to prevent future outbreaks. Do you think I should? Yeah, think of all the other people that are copping random facials

they weren't expecting in the back alley of a cafe. Because it fucking literally was like. It wasn't as if i was doing something weird in the toilet and it sprayed me and i like was somewhere i shouldn't be that's what someone who was doing something weird in the toilet like it's not as if i was like putting my arm up and it sprayed my arm because my arm was in the air like it was at chest height and you and i was on the behind the toilet behind the toilet in a very regular place to be yeah Yeah, like I was where I should be. Yeah. Like there was nothing about it that was, yeah.

Fuck, mate. Yeah. That sucks. What was the name of the place? It's not important. Isn't it? No. Was the food good?

The food is really good. Would you go back for the food? I have been back there many times. Like I've been to this specific cafe a few times but would you go back again now after what's happened yeah just pull it home and now i'll never catch a train again that's for sure yeah okay and i so i've always got a spare pair of clothes in my car or something just in case i get toileted again yeah it's like a bathroom skunk. Yeah.

But it fucking. And let this be a lesson to all of you. Those Glade puffers, they fucking get you. Yeah. Like it was like they sent an army out and they grabbed onto my clothes. You know their slogan, don't you? It starts with an L. Long way. Look out!

I nearly needed the toilet again. Same. I scared myself and I did it. You scared yourself. Sorry about that, everyone. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I've got to love to see it. Beautiful.

This is from Cassandra Elise. Hi, Cassandra. Maybe a Cassie, my Cass. Or a Sandra. It's Sandra Bullock. My niece drew a picture of me and my dog, Apollo. She left out no features of the dog. This was in our You Love To See It thread.

I was laughing at the dog's smiley face before I saw the dog's penis. I'll put that in today's episode thread in Facebook. But, I mean, hey, it's a real thing. Dogs have them. Dogs have got penises. Mine personally doesn't because it's a pussy. Sorry. Fuck, that was a choice. it's a pussy. Sorry. Fuck, that was a choice.

That was a choice. I'm going to puppy who's a girl. Yeah. Puppy who's a girl. Pippa. Pippa who's a girl. Yeah. Good.

But Apollo looks like a happy little boy. Well, not like that. No. No. No. Anyway. No. Anyway, I watched You Love to See It. I've got You Love to See It, though, which is a bit of a double banger because what's happened is I've taken a screenshot of in the You Love to See It.

Like I've seen something being like perfect, popped it in my notes, and the screenshot is actually like captured too. And I can't decide which one I like better. So Ryan and everybody listening, you can help me decide. Okay. The first one is from Wally Choplick. Oh, Wally Choplick. Because Wally graduated from university on Friday.

Fuck yeah, Wally. And I'm pretty sure he got a PhD. At school or afterwards? Graduated with a PhD. Wally Choplick. Good on you, man. But Wally is a big fan of the show. We met him when we were in New York.

Great guy. Really, really exciting. But I can't decide if it was, I've screenshotted it for that one or the next one. Next one's from Debbie. Next one's from Debbie. My love to see it is cheese and bacon rolls from RGA. I'd say they're both pretty impressive.

Both good. You love to see both of them. All right, imagine this. You get invited to a dinner party of someone you know, and they say a bunch of my friends are coming around for dinner. You don't know them, but they're all lovely. Trust me, it's all good. Okay, yeah.

Who's the mutual friend? Because that's probably going to give me a good idea of who I could expect from other people. It's Jane. Okay. okay yep they're not okay no no no it sounds fun and she goes um this is wally and you go oh nice to meet you wally what do you do jane doesn't have a friend called wally so is it wally chopley just so that i can and yeah hey Wally nice to meet you bro what do you do for a crust and he goes I've got a PhD in some impressive shit and you go oh okay and they go oh and this is

Cassandra and you go oh Cassandra what do you do for a crust and she goes I invented the cheese and bacon roll you're talking more to her aren't you well there you go that's what I'm saying so you're more impressed by the cheese and bacon roll than a PhD? Um. Oh, that's what you just said?

Fucking what an afternoon. Yeah. A PhD in cheese and bacon roll. Fucking sign me up. I won't be coming to work tomorrow. That's even better than a BJK of C69. It's better. Than a salt and pepper squid.

Take that back, you stupid girl. Oh, my God. This dinner party's gotten really hostile. There's a glide buffer in the bathroom as well. This dinner party's getting hostile. Someone should bust out the fondue. That brings people together. I'd love a fondue.

I've never had one before. Yes, you have. We've done it on the live stream. No, I've done like a chocolatey one, but like a classic cheese fondue with the meat and the bread and stuff. The chocolate one was like after the first one, I was like, that was nice. And then the second one, I was like, I feel sick. Yeah. It was – I think it's –

Maybe you've pushed it out of your mind. I think we technically had a fondue when we had my hot chocolate, but just not in fondue shape. Yeah. We just like drank a fondue. Fondant. Yeah, fond do not do this. Anyway, love to see that. Good on you, Wally. Good on you, Debbie. What have you decided? do this. Anyway, love to see that.

Good on you, Wally. Good on you, Debbie. What have you decided? Which was your love to see it? Well, I'm really happy for Wally. I really am. But I do fucking love a cheese and bacon roll. Let's get cheese and bacon rolls.

They look like real soggy ones as well. Yeah, a bit dank in the bag, sweaty in the bag. They were on top of each other and I've screenshotted and got both of them. He's got a doctorate in education. Good. Wally Choplick. Educating the next generation. Great.

With cheese and bacon rolls. We're back tomorrow. Hump day. Hump day. Hump day. What's on the show tomorrow? Don't know. I never know.

I'll just follow your lead. No, tomorrow's good. don't fucking scream at me i'm fucking busier with mcleod you know how the other week uh we're talking about how mabel learned something and it was cute at first but now it's annoying as fuck yeah some tarpa's kids are fucking psychopaths oh don't say that all beautiful all god's children god bless you won't say that after you've heard one, especially from Dania. We'll figure out the name. Love you.

Bye. Bye. Bye.