Toni and Ryan - The Question That Divided Everyone | FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF MAY

Episode Date: June 5, 2026

Fallen behind on TARP and need a fast-track to catch up?!? Here’s the bessssst bits from MAY 2026!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I either need to borrow your shaver or your toothbrush. Toothbrush. You give me the toothbrush first. Oh, for fuck sake, shaver. No one's putting that toothbrush back. It might have put it in your ass, I can't. It can never be the toothbrush. Two brush is impossible.

Yeah, toothbrush is. I actually think that's worse. Toothrush is worse? I think so. That's what I think. Shaver for what, though? Anything. Yeah, okay, no, shaver worse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Normal or nah? Normal. Grunting at someone when they want more tongue. Tapa Carly said, I dated a guy who would grunt when we kissed. I said, what are you doing? And he said, I will grunt at you when I want more tongue.

He'd done it with every partner he'd had. He'd never been in a long-term relationship. Sorry, but... Apparently, I was the weirdo for having a problem with it. You're not. Carly, you're not the weirdo. not the, you're not the problem there. Sorry, but the sentence, I will grunt when I want more tongue.

I will grunt at you when I want more tongue. Sorry, I will grunt at you when I want more tongue is sickening and not in like a fierce way. That is disgusting. I will grunt at you when I want more tongue. We'll grunt away, piggy. Fuck you. I'm out of here.

Grunt yourself down the driveway and keep going. And like, hoof on down to the fucking tongue town. Find it somewhere. else. Take a long grunt of a short pier. You're acting like a real grunt. I'm not letting you in my grunt. But just like, I think that there's like a, yeah, like, there's a sexy way to, like.

But who says when I want more tongue? Even that bit without the grunt is still a fuck part of like thing to say. When I want more tongue. I actually don't have enough tongue at the moment. Today we thought we'd play a game of Did you know they were Irish? The delivery of that was absolutely unbelievable. How would you say?

And take a breath and then like dramatically look at the camera. Did you know they were Irish? Nile Horan from One Direction. I didn't know that. Really? Nah. I'm not a director. I was never a directioner.

So I'm not really across it. Is he the only Irish? Like is Harry Styles Irish? No. No. They're all English. Which one? I don't know all their names or anything.

He's the little blonde. Nah, isn't that Harry? No. Oh, okay. He's the one with the small hands. What? Google Nile Horan small hands. Slow hands.

That's it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I'm with you. He's Irish. Yeah. Slow hands like sweat dripping.

I'm a dirty laundering. No chance. That has leaving here from Ireland. Fuck me up. You too. No fucking you. I'm not fucking yeah I thought they're American

Charles by the time this episode comes out Will we have not be in the country anymore They're gonna kick me the fuck out They're gonna cancel my visa What's what I mean we'll already be gone I didn't get one Graham Norton I did know he was Irish

But that's a great one I love Graham Norton Chilean Murphy Who Fucking Chilean C bass Who's Chilean Murphy He's Chilean Murphy He had a

small role in Oppenheimer. I've only said it once. He played Oppenheimer. Oh. I don't know who that is. Can you show me a picture of him? He's his name Chilion. Yeah.

And finally... This is also a good game of tone. Does Tony know who they are? Yeah. I like it. I really fucking hope you know who this person is. Blah-la-la-la-la-la-law-law-law. Piers Brosnan.

Fuck off. Yes. James E Bondo. James E Bondo. He's about 50K's northwest from here is his home town of Narva? He's Irish? Yeah.

Show me a video of him speaking in an Irish accent in his home tongue. Fuck, I'd let him touch me on the home tongue. It's mighty and it's nice to be part of that tapestry of Celtic, mystic, melancholic, beauty, fearless artists. Killian, who's been there for such a long time. Killian. You were calling him Chilean

Not We both heard the same thing Killian Killing Murphy You said Chilean Murphy the whole time No You did Because I said he's a Chilean C bass

And you said Hey he's Irish Check the tape You were saying Chilean the whole time It's Killian Killion Murphy You were saying Chilean Murphy

It's like how we're going to get rid of Murphy Or we'll be killing him He said Chilean, eh? Check the tape. Insert tape here. Chiliam Murphy. All right, you listening and watching No before we do. I've just fallen in love with Pierce Brosnan again.

Can we forget me being a fuck-ed at? What is that caramelo voice that just makes you bloody? Touch me on the Chili and Sea bass. That is... I can eat my pussy. It's Pierce Bros. Eat my Pierce Brosman. Pierce me, Brosman.

Kiss me, I'm Irish. Umbrellas are for fucking idiots. I can't with a fucking umbrella. And then you get there and you shake it like a fucking look. Do you know what's worse? The material of the umbrella touches your leg like a wet ghost. It's like being touched by a shower curtain. A wet plastic.

It clings to you like you're in the morgue. Take your fucking wet material on a fucking stick. Shove it up your ass and fucking eat my tips. What if you flew to Dublin got your hair cut and they told you it was cash only after they'd already cut your hair? Hypothetically. This is like the Fijian taxi driver all over again. Yeah.

Did you find Robin and Sydney? Did that give you some gas? Oh, by the way, with cash only, like, put the hair back on. Glu it back on, dog? Yeah. I'll take it with me. So they're cash only and... That's got to be a sign out the front.

You can't, like... Sorry, I just thought when you said that, like, it's a sign. And not like, there need to be a physical sign. Like a literal sign that says like cash only. Yeah. I think he meant, yeah, yeah, you mentioned it. I was in the chair and it's begun. What did you do?

I went, oh, fuck, I don't have any, but I can get something. He goes, yeah, brother, you know, all good. And I was like, okay. Oh, my God, the Irish people are just lovely, aren't they? But you guys weren't here yet? No. And we were, not only were we not here, we were in the air. Yes.

So it's not like we could help. But I, since you taught me about this new Fandangle pay ID like last year. Apple pay he means. I haven't. Pay ID's not the same thing. I haven't touched a wallet or a card. Like, I just tap. You barely touched a.

before. Yeah. Thank you. But you can't get cash out from the bank without the physical. Like I don't have physical guys. Not outside of Australia. Like in Australia you can. Okay.

Because it's like, because you have to go to a Commonwealth ATM. But you can't, it's hard outside of the. So I go to this. What'd you go to a fucking Western Union? Well, I go to this cafe and I go,

can I just, can you just charge me 20 bucks or something? Oh, and give me, oh, that's clever. Yeah. And they go, oh,

I know what you're saying. But nah, because, you know, he just worked there. He goes, I have to put it through the register. we, it's not like, you know, he was like, no, he's like, I know what he's saying.

He goes, oh, there's a bank down the road. And I was like, yeah, I don't have a card. I've only got. Like, Apple Pay. Yeah. And he goes, oh, fuck, okay. So then I go over to a place that does saunas and try to buy a lot of sauna sessions and said, and then can you give me some cash back?

And they were like, no, but would you like the sauna? And so we're. And you said, well, yeah, but I'm kind of, I'm stuck on the haircut right now. And then I need to give a shout out. to some of the greatest blokes you'll ever meet. Yep. Where were they? I took a photo of their business because I was like,

these guys need a shout out. Oh, no, that's us getting drunk at the Guinness Factory. Here we go. Classic. Reads of Dundrum. Hi, Reads of Dundra. For your printing, graphic design, photocopying and stationary needs. I only go to reads for my needs.

Yeah. Put that on the internet. They love that. Now, they couldn't do the cash. Oh. But they took this young foreigner under their wing. He went, get in here, lad.

Let me talk, like, let's go through the options. Sorry about the accent. Not do the accent. And he goes, and I had my credit card. Yeah.

And he goes, I reckon you can do the credit card at the bank, but you have to put in like an extra code or something. And you might be able to get, it'll be a cash advance. He goes, the interest will be cooked. But like,

you need the money right now. Yeah. And it was like, 20 euros. And I was like, oh, well, if I cop a fee,

it is like, like, I'm, I can't not do it. Yeah. And then I go, okay, and I went and tried it. He goes, it doesn't where you come back. And I went, alright.

So I went and tried to come back. And he goes, oh, maybe if you try the other bank and then you do this and you press the cut. Like, that also didn't work. But he goes, you come back and let me know. And then 27 different ideas they gave me. None of them worked, but it was the attitude. That is the can do attitude of the Irish. And that's why, if I need my printing done, reads of dundrum for all my photocopying and printing

needs. Thanks for not helping but being so happy about it. No, it's the attitude that counts. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And so no help at all. So what was the outcome in the end? So I legged it and didn't pay. So we'll have to go back there and pay before we leave. Yeah, and so... Charles, do you know how to get cash? Yeah, so now you kind of half know this story and it'll kind of all make sense. Do you remember when we were at Tesco and we're doing like... Yeah, you guys were doing secret squirrels. Yeah, because I go, hey, can you get me some cash out?

And he goes, why? And I go, I got a haircut ages ago. And then we go to the Tesco ATM and they're like, we're just rebooting the server. And so then we just keep ducking off for a little war. Oh, yeah, I'll meet you in the cereal aisle. And just running down to the next one because I was like, I'll save this story for the podcast. Amazing. Oh, I just kept thinking you were going to the bathroom.

I probably was. Yeah, no, I've probably got a few pieces away. Yeah, yeah. And we've tried a whole bunch of places. And finally the thing comes back online. What do I? Was that your money or our money? Yeah.

My card got blocked by my bank three times. I had to keep unblocking it. Well, that's what kept happening to me in fucking Fiji with the taxi. Like, they kept being, I'm like, these card works are like, I don't think so. I'm like, well, it's not. Like, I'm not. I have the money. Do you want to hear the most out of touch thing ever?

And I'm putting my hand up and saying, okay, mate. Yeah. So hang on, have they got the money? No, not yet. How did, you know how you like a bad boy? Yeah. How do you feel sharing an Airbnb with a fugitive in a foreign country? I don't like it.

You know how I'm funny about things overseas? Yeah. Yeah. Like things I wouldn't do at home are just so much worse overseas. No, I went down, yes, they are and dropped it off. Nice. And like, was the guy just like, I didn't think you would come back? It was as if I was gone by.

by his reaction for 30 seconds. And she's like, oh, thanks, bro. Do you know how I woke up this morning? And this has... Fully erect. Mabel comes in and I've never seen her do this. So it's not like a thing we do. Yeah.

So it's out of fucking nowhere. Yeah. She's like sitting on my chest. She licks her finger and then puts her finger across my forehead and goes, Simba. So the only reason that I know, what that, because I've only seen the Lion King like, once I think

we watched it for something, is like the sex move of the hat, where it's like you come and then you rub the come on her head and you go Simba. So that's the only reason that I knew what you were talking about.

Charles, look on Urban Dictionary. Don't look that up on a work computer. Just Google it on Urban Dictionary. Urban Dictionary. The act of smearing a bodily fluid upon the forehead of someone else and slowly saying Simba as Rafiki did to the image of Simba on the tree and the Lion King. When she does it, I'm guessing tomorrow morning. Yeah. Now all I'm going to think of. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. I've been taking my

Kindle out with me and the other day I actually went and got my colonoscopy results. Don't have cancer a shout out. Um, so exciting. And I was like, oh, doctor's appointment. They're going to be running I'll take my Kindle with me. So I'm not just, I'll just sit there and scroll on my phone and feel shit. So I take my book in, I walk in and, um,

there's six chairs in, it's quite a small office. There's six chairs and there's five people already sitting there because there's like three doctors that work out of the one colonoscopy office. That, or gastroenterologist office. Chair to doctor ratio is not correct. Yeah.

And so there's six chairs, five people and they're like, like, These chairs we're sitting on to do the podcast, maybe a bit narrower, but like butted up next to it. Right up. Like,

so you kind of got to have your like arms tucked. It's like, it's close like a plane. Yeah, like it's tight. Yeah. And of course there's three people and then one on other side and then one gap in the middle.

Yep. And I'm like, great. So I like, oh, sorry, oh sorry. And I sit down in this little nook next to these people. It's fucking 1.30 p.m.

and I sit there and I put my phone in my pocket and I grab my Kindle out. Love that. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm such a good person. I'm sitting here reading, you're all scrolling on your iPads in huge font, the old people at the place. I'm sitting here reading like, what an excellent person and part of the community. I just want to stop for a second on you being better than everyone else. Thank you so much.

I'm saying that. Do you think it's like when you see someone reading in public, is it like, oh, mysterious girl I think it feels a bit mysterious Do you know that song? Yeah, I do. Yeah. I do.

I actually was reading and a Oh, I was reading. Mysterious Tony. Peter Andre loves your butt. Oh, thank you. Well, I was at the butt doctor, so that worked out.

Yeah. But so like I'm in the doctor surgery. She's running like, that's fine. I can just sit here and like, I lock in. I am surrounded by people and I'm holding my Kindle like this. And lo and behold, I get to the sexy part of the book. So I'm sitting there and I'm just like, should I stop reading?

Like it actually felt like a bit inappropriate. Like, Where would you rank it compared to when a sex scene comes on and you're watching it on a plane? Is it, but is it the same feeling? Yeah. Like, oh, I'm in public. This feels kind of illegal. And like, because it's...

I'm thinking about rubbing my purse and there's an old guy next to me reading about grapefruit juice on his oversized text phone. And it's sexy. I'm like reading this thing that's pretty sexy. Give an example of a sentence just to set the scene for me. Oh, well, the... I actually don't know if I can, but it's like...

They were like, they're kissing on the lawn at the front of someone's house, like where they're staying. Was it a cooch grass? Or what type of grass was it? I don't know. And they're like kissing and she's like, I felt his erection jab into me kind of thing. And I was just like, oh, my God. Like it's happening.

No. Like a terrible timing this book. And so I didn't know whether I should stop reading or whether I should power through. I felt so naughty. Oh my God. I felt real. And I started to blush. Yeah.

And then I felt like, because I'm kind of. I felt like the pussy flutters a little bit because I'm reading this really horny thing. Like it's just biology, isn't it? Anyway, and so then I felt like rude because I was reading something so like suggestive. Felt his erection spike me in the thighs. Yeah. It was a lot. Not, uh, it tells you exactly what's going on there.

Yeah. And then I started getting like quite hot and I'm like, oh my God, like the aircon's not on. Like I just got so overwhelmed. Is it allowed? I don't think so. Like, is it not allowed? Like, should I have gone, oh, that's for home time? I've now reached it.

Like, I think. Should I've cut myself off? I thought you about to say, should I have come? Oh, I did. No. Just to get it out of his sister. Yeah, just, you know, knock one out. I think you should pretend you've got an FHM magazine.

You know, that old school like zoo. Yeah, Zoo Weekly where it's just hot girls and bikinis. Yeah. And think, would I feel weird about reading this? 1,000% because people can see the cover. But like, if that's, if it's not the place for that, then it's not the place for the sexy book either.

So do I have to read with caution? What are other people doing reading Smutty book? The day you are least likely to have sex in the type of community. With just 4% of load shot on a Monday. Monday, Monday 4%. Yep. The second least, Thursday, 5%, Tuesday, 6%.

Wednesday, 7%. So it's still pretty low numbers, all midweek, real low. People aren't doing it during the week anymore. Busy. Compared to the last time we took this survey. Oh, I think I'm compared to like when you're 22, you're just throwing it in at any time. Well, because every day's a weekend when you're in your early 20s

And you just, you can't get your hands off each other. You're so fucking horny and your chemicals are just like, let's fucking do it. And if you're in a relationship, you're fucking all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Because, and I guess at the time when, like, if someone goes, oh, you don't really do that during the week, you'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm, well, you're not going to want to do that on a weekday.

Well, yeah. Like what? Well, then what am I doing? Oh, you just kind of go to work and you come home and have a snit until and go to bed. You know, I mean, that sounds great. That's actually just described my perfect day. But back in the day, yeah, you'd be like, like I can't imagine it.

Like, I remember, like, you know, on a movie or whatever, seeing something that was like, oh, and, you know, we've lost the lust for each other and we just go to bed and, you know, and I'm like, imagine sleeping over at someone's house. And not inserting them. Yeah. Like, I remember being like, whoa, like, that's never going to happen to me. I did not have sex yesterday and I did have a snitle.

And it was a great day. I did have sex. Did you? Tony Lodge. I did, yeah. On a Tuesday. Yeah, I did. One of the 6%.

I know. You are the 6%. I'm not a normal day for us. What happened? Was everything not wrong? Was everything not wrong? Like it's what's going to skew there? I don't know.

Well, we, yeah, I don't know. Morning? No, last night. What? Tobs get home. What time? Did you get home late? Usually?

Why were you still up so late? I remember he got. Why was I still up? Why was he still up? What time did you get home? What's going on? Maybe like 745 he got home. And then both of us were really hankering like, um...

For each other? Well, because it's been, because it has been cold, like I was saying, we ordered a little Japanese curry in like a catsoo. And both of, and we're just sitting on the couch like all rugged up and we'd eat now like warm, our tummies were all full. And you got to be cuddly? Yeah. And then we just, and we hopped, I had a shower and I hopped into bed and then, yeah.

Post curry. Yes, I know. Everything was pointing to like that not being the outcome. Forgive me tarpers for I have sinned. I went to a colleague's hen party where I learned she was a twin. And that twin was really flirty with me. Oh. And that was before the many bottles of sparkling.

I bet. One thing led to another in a fancy bathroom stall. A bathroom stole that for reasons I still don't understand, had a bench in it. Oh, well, you know why the bench is in the bathroom. Both us ladies spent time on that bench. The next morning, I texted the twin and said, thanks for the sexy time.

Also, a number exchange and everything, yeah, okay. Thanks for the sexy time in the bathroom with a winky face emoji. This is when all hell broke loose. This was the start of chaos. Why? He wasn't a twin at all? Turns out it wasn't the twin I went down on. I went down on my colleague, the bride to be.

The sister who I texted, she tells the groom. Hang on. Hang on. What? Wrong twin. Oh, I reckon that's what it sounded about. Confused Tony and getting gone down on Tony is the same sounds. Oh, I was about it.

No. Go on. What are we going to say? Nah, all good. Nah, I reckon it's fine. So the bride fucked the work colleague. Yeah. Unwink that face.

There's a bride here. Bride to be here. Ah. So the bride got her pussy eight by the work colleague. Yeah. But she thought it was the twin? Yeah. And then she texts the twin being like,

thanks for a great night. Yeah. And the twin immediately knew that she had a twin, which is a huge thing for Verity's twin. Yeah, the other twin just goes, what? Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. Yep.

That's crazy. Tells the husband. Tells the husband, not because she was on her moral high horse, but because the sister was banging the soon-to-be groom. Oh, you were right yesterday. I'm going to need a fucking piece of paper. The groom to be confronted the bride.

to be, even though he was banging her sister. He's cheating on her too. He thought the bride going down on the colleague oh, that's where we draw the line. That's the limer. So he called off the wedding. Okay, hang on. So the bride fucked the colleague. The colleague

thought it was the twin. The colleague told the twin, thanks for a great night. So the twin told the husband. Yeah. And they were probably like, this is our get out of jail free card. You can break up with her so we can be together. I don't think that was the cat. I think, I think he was just like, well, I'm cheating, but no one knows about that.

But I can't, no, I think it's a double standard. He's like, no, you don't cheat on me, bitch. I'm the one doing the cheat. He doesn't want to run away with her. He's just like, yeah, we just fuck sometimes, whatever. Oh, I thought it was maybe that they were like, well, this is a great get out of jail free. We can. Nah, no, he was just like, no, no, like, I love you, but you don't love me back, obviously,

because you're going down on other people at the thing. So, like, obviously, you can't be trusted. What a... So did the wedding happen? No. He called it off. He called it. It's like he gets to call it off.

Ugh. You know? Everyone got this group text that the wedding is off and no one knows why. But I know why because I was the reason. Do you know what he's crazy that these things? You really don't know what's happening behind closed doors. If drama like that was happening in your circle for, you know, that is so bizarre. Tarpers, please forgive me because I sinned at a hens party and caused the wedding to be called off.

I don't think you need to bear that whole brunt because it sounds like there were other things going on. You went down on someone you assumed was fair play and get it. And also, like, you've saved that woman from being married to that fuckhead. And you've saved... Who was cheating on her anyway. Yeah. In fact, you're the...

Tarpa Anonymous, you're the hero of this story. Do you know something that I've always said, and I don't say this lightly? Eating Pussy saves lives. Thank you.