Toni and Ryan - The Rudest Rhymes Australians Say | Funniest Moments OF AUGUST

Episode Date: September 5, 2026

Fallen behind on TARP and need a fast-track to catch up?!? Here’s the bessssst bits from AUGUST 2026!Tell us what you reckon in the episode thread in our FACEBOOK GROUPWatch and subscribe on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan and get in the group chat with us!!!Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Some people say two in the pink, one in the stink, but other people say it different. Two in the kitty, one in the shitty. Two in the snapper, one in the crapper. Number three. Shut the fuck us. I need a second. You need to go slower for my small brain again. Two in the bush, one in the tush. Two in the cootie, one in the booty.

And the number one way to describe the shocker. Yep. Two in the baby maker, one in the patty cake. I go to the door and I'm holding Pippa. And the guy's like dropping the stuff off and he goes, Hi, beautiful. And I go, huh, well, I know you're not talking to me. And no shit.

He goes, no, I'm not. Looks me up and down. with the acidity of reflux and goes, no, I'm not. I'd like to send a shout out to Suckcliff Meets. Oh, I love a butcher. Now, Tony, for people that can't see this, I'm going to ask you to describe the butcher. Yeah.

We're going to see a video and it's like an Instagram competition. Oh my God. I fucking, you fucking, I know what it's about to pop up. Go on play the video, Charles. Okay, guys, Luke here from Suckleaf Meets. this week's challenge. You can guess the way to the lamb and myself. You'll get to take home the lamb.

Can you describe how he's holding the lamb? So this man is holding the whole thing. He's holding it over his shoulder, like the way that you would hold a big dog. But he's got his fingers up the asshole of the lamb. It is so fucking funny. Like, they know what they're doing there, surely. Like, if I had to carry a mate drunk out of a housepice,

party. That's how you'd hold it. Yeah, but you wouldn't carry your drunk mate with your finger in his ass-h-h-h-h-h-well. Well, if it was Charles, I mean, maybe if it was you, depends on who it was. Some of my favourite comments, let's go. You don't have to finger the fucking thing. And apparently, not true. Not true.

Gidey, Luke. Do you mind not finger-bashed in me dinner? Thanks, mate. Do you at least take it for dinner for a glass of wine? Oh, fuck. What an Australian comment section. Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life. that one really did me in that comment. Steve, I just want to be held like that. And it's so fair, yeah.

New Zealand are here. You're doing it wrong. Well, they would know. And I don't think I included my own, but I've put a comment in that's popping off actually. Did you? Yeah. I almost commented,

but then I saw someone had commented what I was going to do. So I was going to say. I was going to, because you win the entire, Like the competition is that you win. And I said, I was going to comment, do you win the whole thing but H-O-L-E? Very funny. Yeah, but someone else's commented that.

I was like, I'm not going to scam you. I wrote, everything reminds me of her. That is really funny. Oh, and you've gone back for seconds because you've done a different other comment. If I win, can I get a fresh one? If I win the meat, I don't want the one that he's fucked in all right. Yep. Yeah, but I wish you'd committed to just one.

It's also an hour later. Yeah, so you thought about. it for that whole hour. And you were like, oh, I want to do a little bit better. It was five minutes later, but that hour's ticked over. No, no. That's not how it works. I think it is.

Strangely, though, I don't think anyone entered the competition. Oh, no one's actually guessing the weight. They're just having a fun time. But does that mean that we could just lob an answer in and we'll probably get close to winning? How much do you reckon it actually weighs? What's a full lamb worth? As him as well. Oh, him as well.

Oh, well, you never guess a lady's weight, so I wouldn't do that. She remember when we had shits and gigs on the show and we talked about how they had that someone wrote just a story about how for their their dog's birthday, everybody gets their weight. And I was like, that sounds terrible. Yeah. I know. Does that everyone comes from my birthday funny. He goes, let's see how she did this year. Oh, it's a long winter.

I'll hold down since last time. Here's some iconic things that come in fives. the Olympic rings, the Spice Girls, the five senses, and my husband. Peculiar places you've pissed. So these are all tarpers, Tony and Ryan podcasters, who have shared, vulnerably where they've pissed. Yeah. And we piss with you.

We're not pissing at you. We're pissing with you. Sorry, I just heard Tommy laugh. Heather Wells. Hi, Heather. My 24-7 gym is in between my house and where the bars are. One time we're on our way from pre-drinks at my house going into bongo bingo. Is that like bingo loco?

It is, but in Manchester or Newcastle or somewhere up there. It's like, I was wasted dressed as donkey from Shrek. I had to pee between all these people doing squats and bicep curls, rolls in a really really drunk donkey running to the bathrooms. Luckily she had her access pass on her. Must have been on her keys or something. And there are actually a lot of people saying, oh, my 24-7 gym is come in handy.

That's good, though. I think that's really good. Peter Lory. Hi, Peter. This is a local one because this was a 7-Eleven in Heidelberg. And I think I know the one, which is ironically, just down from the KFC. The 7-Eleven worker at a,

Hartleberg said the toilets were for staff only. I lied and said I was pregnant. He felt really sorry for me and he let me use it. Yep. I wasn't pregnant. I was just fat. Storya, my life. Brittany. Spears? No, Des Jardens. Every day after I dropped my son at school, I go to the McDonald's to pee. I needed to go two days in a row once and I've sort of Pavlov. of dogged myself and now every time I drive near that Mac is my bladder goes, yep, here we go. Safe.

Yeah. Safe space to need to wait. Yeah. I popped a squat in a park dressed as Sydney Lorper on the way to a roller disco. Who? Cindy Lorper. Sydney Lorper. I heard from a loudspeaker, girl, you're on camera.

I looked up and I was right in front of a CCTV camera. PPP TV. Tarpers have shared ways that they keep calm. This is going to be interesting because Tarpers, they really do have some good advice. Yeah, they'll treat you right. Alma Lynn. Hardly know what. When my anxiety is high and I can't sleep, I watch scary things caught on camera on YouTube.

After two or three, I fall right asleep. So she just types into the search bar caught on camera and looks for something scary. That is the opposite of what would calm me. done. Well, it's kind of like you get your scares out, then you like, you turn it off and you go, that's putting scares in. It putting things in your mind. I can't, if I watch a scary movie, I have to watch something like real PG after. Well, Tracy Hawkins, she said, I watch body cam videos of people being stupid and getting arrested. So hang on, is this when you're anxious or trying to sleep or it was just Alma that was trying to, yeah. Yeah. So then trade.

Keep you calm. That feels like that's going to fill me with adrenaline. It makes me feel. Okay, maybe, okay. Here we go, Trice. It makes me feel better about my life and that there can be justice in this world. 10 out of 10 recommend because their body cam of them getting caught. Sure.

For sure, there's two more crazies off the streets. Off to bed. Do you reckon if you were feeling anxious, you just need a full distraction? Yeah. So something that just feels so far out of your reality is probably would be kind of like grounding in a way.

Charlotte Luccarelli. I drive down the highway at 3 a.m. with all the windows down and scream as loud as I can. Yeah, that's good. It feels crazy until you've done it. But once completed, it's like a whole body reset. No, I agree. A good yell or a good, like, sing in the car for me, like, can change anything.

This might be the only time where it's not possible, which is really going to annoy Charles. But, Charles, can we get some audio of me screaming? Yeah, again. It's literally the only time. We've just had a little techie shoe. Sorry. Insert here.

Amelia Moore. Amelia Moore. As a moody teenager, I used to turn off my bedroom lights, put some candles on and blast the offspring or Lincoln Park while lying on the floor. We've all been there. Get it, sister. Yeah, we've all been there. Doesn't that really paint a picture as well?

It does. Yeah, it was a different time. Now, I didn't know this existed and I'm thinking I'm going to make a purchase today. Manique Johnson, thank you for bringing this to my life. Monique, show me a big Johnson. There's a pressure washing simulation game on PS5. So you get the PlayStation out and you can pressure wash stuff. And I'm right into pressure washing in the line.

Yeah, yeah, the videos are fucking good. Hang on. Pressure washing simulation game on PS5 while listening to a dirty story on Audible. Sure. Surprisingly relaxing and the smart gets you to forget whatever it is that pissed you off. That is good. Can you be angry and horny at the same time? Is it kind of like sneezing and clicking or whatever that thing is?

Sneezing with your eyes open. Can't do both at once? Sneezing and clicking. I was like, what would stop you from doing both? Can you be horny and angry? Oh, hang on. Charles is showing us the game. This is some gameplay of it.

So you can choose like the pressure that you want, the nozzle. Oh. Oh, that is nice. I mean, should we just clean our houses? No. And Bridget Sajikos, if you want to do some cleaning, I was like, shut the fuck up. I gave blood this morning.

Ryan sent a text that said, going to be 10 minutes late, I'm just giving blood. What does I'm just giving blood mean? Oh. Oh, there it is. I'm all good. I'm giving blood.

Exclamation mark. Huge from Ryan. We'll be a bit after 10. Great. The group chat lights up. Oh my God. Ryan, so proud of you for giving blood.

That's huge. Very generous. That's really someone said. Yep. So generous. Legal Lil. She said, oh, as a fellow Needle Skartie,

I'm really proud of you for getting blood. Because I am a needle scanty. Lil and I are both scerties. Charles gives blood quite regularly. He was like, that's amazing. we've talked about the TARPA's team of blood donations that is that through lifeblood Charles? Lifeblood, yeah.

So it's like really important to all of us here. And for you to just text and say you were giving blood, I was like, fuck, that's such a huge deal. Yeah. So when I sent that message and the prey started flooding in, I went, oh. Nah. And yeah. Yeah. So, nah.

But that's actually not where. the mistakes finished, would you believe? As part of getting an ADHD diagnosis and potentially medication, they're doing that cool, we'll test everything. Well, they do the full panel, rule stuff out. And then even just to make sure that like, if something's a bit off and we give you these drugs, maybe that might not, like they just want to, you know, we don't want to unsettle anything.

Yeah. So I rock up. I said, Bridget, I have to do urine test and a blood test. Yep. Oh, so it's called a blood test now. Interesting. And Bridgett. We're donating piss as well?

We're donating piss as well? I never used the D word. I gave them piss. Sorry, guys, I've been up to 10. I'm giving piss. And so the urine was for like, I think, drugs and stuff. And then the blood to test like the ECGs. Yep.

Now, have you had an ECG test before? where they stick the... Oh, yeah. So you know what it is. So I get these pieces of paper that says urine test and UCG. And I'm like, cool. So I'll get the blood test, so they'll test the UCG.

You said UCG? You said ECG before. Whatever the fuck it is. So as you pointed out, it's not a blood test. Right? Oh, no. Yeah.

So I did, she goes, here's the test that I went, cool. Oh. So I've rocked up mentally that I'm going to give blood for a blood test. It's just they stick the things on it. Sometimes it hurts when they pull the sticky bits off though. Okay. So.

Sorry. You know what? I'll shut the fuck up. Imagine this. We don't talk much, me and the nurse. But in her mind, she's getting ready to stick these things on me. And in my mind, I'm ready to have blood taken. Yep.

not the same. No. So she goes, all right, well, get yourself ready. And I go, great. So I, like, pull my arm out. And she goes, she goes, did you want to lie down? And I went, oh, actually, yeah, I'm not good with blood. And she goes, hang on, let me just read this again.

What? And I go, that'd be great, actually. And so she goes, okay. And so I go and lay on the thing. And did you want to like that that sounds lovely that sounds great. I'm very tired. Yeah. And so I put my arm out again.

She wheels the machine in and I go. Like what's involved? Yeah. And she goes, can you take your whole shirt off? And I went, fuck. And she goes. How much blood do you name? So she goes, we have to like it's on your chest.

And so imagine, I'm like, they're going to stick a needle into my heart. To my chest. And I was like, what the fuck? This is the last time I give blood here. And again, get blood taken. Yep. Yeah. And then so my shirt comes off and she goes, oh, this isn't going to work.

You're too hairy. And I was a bit nervous because as you know, when I went to shave my pubs the other day, I had a misstep and accidentally put a landing strip in my tongue. Yeah. And I said reverse landing strip actually. Yeah. Don't land here. Yeah.

And I was like, can you go in there? And she's like, I'm not going in anywhere. And so this went up for like way too low. Hang on. So is it on the nurse, though, at any point to be like, she starts shaving me. And so as she's shaving these little holes in my chest So at this stage, she shaved me

And I still think I'm about to get an injection Like a needle. Yep. No, they put patches on and they send electrode through you and Beb, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah. So, how horrifying. Like, for someone with a genuine fear of needles,

like that would be very, very much. And she goes, I'm going to have to shave you down and just pulls the fucking razor out of nowhere. And I'll do the other side and I'm like two needles. Like you got on in both nips. At one time. I was just scrolling on substack online, right? Yeah.

And I was like, you know what? I think I've just got to get that. Like I think, you know, I think I'm at the point now where I can probably get that. Yeah. Like we're at, we're there. And I download the app and it's like, oh, finish, like complete your profile. And I was like, oh, I'm not like. I'm not posting.

I'm literally, I'm just reading and liking. Like, I'm not like, yeah, so like, do you, what are you interested in?

You've got a feeling or you think. You know, it gets to the end. And it goes, cool, we just need to confirm your age. And I was like, oh,

random, okay. They sell drinks at this bar. And they go, yeah, like, what is they? Yeah,

because I asked, I asked when it's some martini in the light book. Can I subscribe to Sowers weekly and get a Cosmo? That's funny. Craft Corner and a dirty martini. Thank you.

Oh. that sounds gladly. Anyway, it's like, oh, we need to confirm your age. And I thought it was just going to be one of the, you know, when you go to like the Grey Goose website and it's like, tell us what year you were born and we can confirm. It doesn't confirm anything. 987, they go, oh, checks out. They go, sure.

Yeah. Anyway, and I, they go, oh, you can upload a government ID. And I went, well, I'm on the couch. I'm not getting up. Yeah. Or you can just take a photo. And I was like, oh, well, if I take a photo, like, it's probably not going to work. What do you mean?

What do you mean? So some just judges you. Well, so yeah, like how do they decide? He just looks at you and go, oh, that bitch is old. Yeah, like, but how do they decide? And you know when some of those ones where you hold it up and it scans your face for like 30 seconds? You got to like hold your face still or whatever. I shit you not.

I go, sure, let's try the photo one. I hit it. I put my phone to about here and he goes, yeah, all good. You're in grandma. Fuck you, substack! Get absolutely ribbed. Fuck you. You're off them.

Well, how do they? How do they? I assume that I'm over 18. It's so quickly. There's just got to be a little bit of social fucking lubricant there, you know, where they go, oh, maybe. Oh, yep, I think it's okay. This is the rule, which appears that you haven't learned.

That substack haven't learned. Whatever you think someone's age is, you take off six. Yep. So Tony, how old do you think I am? 15. But I couldn't believe. I just thought that they were a bit too quick with it. Like, just pretend.

Oh, let me think of it. Just give me a second. Like, I didn't even get it to a good angle. Like, maybe if you gave me a good, you know, but you're just like, yep, you're in, girl. Like, see you at the nursing home. I was too fast. I've been the victim of a crime. Do you name me to get Detective Dunn?

Oh, actually, Detective Dunn would have been really helpful at this time. However, Detective Lodge has taken care of this. Okay. Lieutenant Lodge? And we were fucking around with Pepper Tony Pizza. Lieutenant Lodge is obviously the perfect nickname for me, and I will be adopting it from henceforth from now until forever. No, this is actually very very.

very serious. So on this podcast, there's a lot of things that we love, like friendship, safety, fun. We also love bin chat. We also need to be aware of the rising crime rates across Australia and the world. Do you think there's a correlation between the rising crime rates and the craziness that our councils are imposing us on bins? Or maybe it's a crime to live your life. I have been the victim of a crime. So last... Is the crime living your life? Yeah.

So live your life. Hey. Don't put your bin out at night time. Just leave your life. Because this is where the problem is. Last bin night, Tulbs and I are in bed. It's like 10, 30 or 11 o'clock.

And we're kind of drifting. We're like warm and snugly, kind of drifting off. And I go, fuck the bins. Classic. And Torbs goes, fuck. And both of us kind of do this. Paper rocks. Well, I know I'm not going to do it.

So Torbs hoofs out there and he comes back in and he goes, oh, it's rubbish and recycling this week. I was like, oh, thank God. Like our recycling room is fucking fools of good. Yep. We're kind of chatting and we're drifting off a little bit. So it's probably like, yeah, 1130 now. That's late, man.

late for me. Yeah. And I hear this weird noise. And instantly I'm on. I'm like, what the fuck was that? I look on the cameras and there's a bunch of people with flashlights like next to Torbs's car. And I go right here and I go outside.

Like a fucking Leggiano Ronaldo. Leggiano Ronaldo Lieutenant Lodge on the fucking case. Torbs. Torbs like, oh my God. What do you? And I was like, wake here. And I just marched my fucking beautiful little ass outside. And because they were like, I was looking on the thing.

And they're like looking around. I can see the torch is kind of flicking up. And I'm like, there's two or three people out there. They weren't trying to break into Torbs's car. They were going through our recycle bins for cans to take to the fucking thing. I'm Natalie and Brulier about this. I am not. You're not allowed.

You can't go through my bin, you freak. You've thrown it out. No, it's my bit. When it hits the curb, it's up to the community now. Disagree. Get them cans, kids. Take them to the CDS. But it wasn't kids.

It was two probably 80-year-old people. Kids of God. And I've walked out and I go, excuse me and they pretend they can't hear me. Great cool. And I go, oh, excuse me, like, can you please stop going through our bin? and they just go, we can't hear you. I go, why haven't all other criminals thought of this?

This is, and you just go, oh, fuck I get it. And I'm like, could you please put the stuff back that you've just stolen? I've been heavy-handed. And they just go, thank you, we can't understand you. And they walk up. Respect. Respect. I'm on their side.

So, you better believe that every can that has gone into our bin this week, I've crushed it. You're such a bitch. Such a peach.