Toni and Ryan - The Titanic Test

Episode Date: December 10, 2023

I SWEAR - THIS TEST COULD SOLVE ANY INTERPERSONAL ISSUE. Love ya!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Arthur Tony Lodge. We are heading out to the Falkland Islands to call Roxy. Do you want a Falkland later? I'm going to give you a Falkland. You can Falk my land anytime.

Oh, what is that music? We're on island time. We are in the Falklands. Roxy. Hello, Roxy. Roxy, how are you doing? We're finally on the island. Yes, we're finally on the island.

We got through to the Falkland Islands after hearing that remember. Remember? Marimba. Marimba. Yeah. What's going on today in the Falkland Islands, Roxy? in the Falkland Islands, Roxy? Well, I'm just putting my two rat bags to bed after a full-on day of being run ragged by a five-

and six-year-old, you know? That's how I feel about Cam and Ryan. So, yeah, I feel that, Roxy. Yeah. A couple of rat bags. A couple of rat bags. Isn't that right? But, Roxy, will you approve today's episode?

Oh, my God, yes. Yay! But Roxy, will you approve today's episode? Oh my god, yes. Hey, it's happened. What? And I've never been. Are you okay physically? Yeah, no. Physically, mentally, spiritually, never been happier.

And I've never laughed and pumped the air with like so much excitement in my entire life. And I think when I tell you, Tony, you're going to be like like this is one of the top five things that's ever happened to me and I'm fucking pumped and I'm not usually like an overly excitable you're not that's why I'm a bit nervous when I heard this story I was like

life made you have to understand that whilst you aren't an excitable person I am. You get ready. And you're really revving me up and I'm nervous that it's not going to be that good. Nah, get revved. Get revved.

Stay revved. That's coming up today. Because you know what? The come down of me being revved. Don't say come down until you've heard this story, sweetheart, because... It better be good. It is.

It actually is. Okay. It's been killing me not to tell both of you. I don't think it's going to be good. It is. It actually is. Okay. It's been killing me not to tell both of you. I don't think it's going to be good. Yeah, me too. But first, Dani. Hi, Dani. Dani's a tarpa.

She reckons her partner is the dumbest person in all of the tarpa community. That's a big call because I'm in it. I said, hang on a sec, Dani. Let's all find out together. Let's just pump the brakes and see how we go. Let's do some field research now you might have seen this story in the tony and ryan podcast facebook group because it's its own thread and then people have gone well that is pretty dumb but my partner also said this once

and there's a fucking okay a good time to be had but let's start with danny danny's partner is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. That was nice. She will look and care. Sorry. I was saying how paper straws are annoying, but at least we're saving the turtles. Fuck the turtles.

Danny's partner responds, I hear people say that all the time, but I've always wondered, like, what part of the turtle do they use to make the straws? Guess where Danny's partner lives. DCI. Danny said she stopped breathing. And I just said, ah, for a long time.

So you think the straws are bad for turtles because we're just fucking like killing turtles to use them for straws? And he goes, I hear they're bad for turtles. I just assume that that's what's going on. Later that night, says Danny, I couldn't sleep because this was all I could think about. I couldn't sleep. This was all I could think about. I couldn't sleep. This was all I could think about. How did he miss this?

We don't live in a rock. He works in IT and he's on the internet 24-7 and there's probably been 10,000 stories about turtles and plastics and whatever over the last 10 years. Has he spent this entire time thinking we're just often turtles? You know what? I don't think that Danny would be alone in that. I think there'd be a few people that went, hang on. Sorry, Danny's partner. Hey, don't say that about Danny.

Danny's partner. I reckon there'd be a few people that'd be like, hang on. How does it affect the turtle? Like, hang on. Where do the turtles come into the straw? If we're being honest. If we're being honest. Which we are.

Safe space. It took me longer than it should have to get my head around buffalo sauce. And buffalo wings. That you thought it was made from the buffalo. I just didn't think about it. I actually agree with you because at this restaurant I went to once with my parents. It's called Buffalo Wild Wings. No, it was like in Broome. Yeah. So it was like a seafood place. And they had barramund wild wings. No, it was like in Broome.

Yeah. So it was like a seafood place and they had barramundi wings and it was like the fin or whatever. Yeah, like the sides. Yeah. And so I was like, wow, every food can have a wing. Yeah. And so a buffalo wing.

Do barramundis fly? Do you know what I'm saying? And so I do get that a buffalo wing could be misunderstood. What makes it buffalo? Is it from buffalo? Is that where the sauce is from? Like where's the buff come in? Maybe it was Sir Charles Buffalo who mixed spice with mayonnaise

or whatever the fuck it's made of. And butter. Butter and Tabasco. Oh, yum. Fuck, how good is Buffalo's? It is very good. Producer Cam? Its origin in 1964 is in Buffalo, New York State.

New York State. Yeah. You got close to Buffalo. I did because I went to Niagara Falls. Canada side though, as many people pointed out to me, was the correct side. The better side. as many people pointed out to me, was the correct side, the better side.

Even though it does not have Made of the Mist, I had to go on the fucking horny witch boat or something, called something else. The hornblower. The hornblower. Horny bitch boat. When you said that, I was like, that's not close. It was close. It was close.

Thank you. Sammy's partner. Guess where he's from. Hey, Sammy. DC, hi. We were watching Titanic the other day. Oh, no. You know what?

Titanic just brings out the worst in everyone. It really does. It actually just is the worst film to watch. You know what? If you don't know whether you, like if someone's giving you the ick and you really actually want to make a decision, watch Titanic with them because it brings out the worst in everybody. It is like the ultimate decider, I think.

Do I want to date this person? Watch Titanic and then make your decision. I don't know if anybody's ever said that before, but this is what we need to be doing. Watch Titanic with someone before you decide whether you trust them or not. You should have watched Titanic with. Oh, my God. You would have known straight away.

I would have too. She probably would have sided with the industrialist. The boat. Well, actually, I think the boat is actually a misunderstander. Yeah. I meant Kate Winslet's No, it's staying in, sweetheart It's staying in

I thought you were talking about Kate Winslet's fiancé Oh, Billy Zane She fucking would She has that Billy Zane energy She'd steal the baby to get on that little boat My grandparents were on that boat Actually, probably Yeah, well, I've met the iceberg.

No, that's Danin. What did icebergs do to me? What did I do to icebergs to make them treat me like this? On my boat. Actually, iceberg. She would have been late. She would have missed the boat. Yeah, actually, iceberg. She would have been late. She would have missed the boat.

Yeah, actually right. We're watching Titanic and when they showed the helicopter on the modern boat, you know how she's telling the story. Oh, because it's like Rose getting dropped off to the boat where the guy is, what's that guy's name? Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton. Yep.

R.I.P. R.I.P. R.I.P. Was he in the Titanic? Yeah, didn't you know she... So when they showed the helicopter from the modern day boat scenes, my partner goes, well, why didn't they just send those rescue choppers out to catch the people when the ship

went down? And you wouldn't have sunk all this time into this relationship if you'd done this sooner, Sammy. This is the thing. After I explained it happened like a hundred years ago, literally. And this is like the modern day retelling. And it clicked for him. Like he kind of goes,

oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I didn't realise there was two timelines going on kind of thing. He then went on to Google when helicopters were invented in an attempt to prove that at least it was a reasonable question. Fact check, it's not. Oh, that's a flat earther. You can tell, eh? I'm just saying that there's not enough research.

And I've done my own. Yeah, and I Googled it and I can tell you. We've got to run it in. Nah, all right, we're good, we're good. Justin says. Hey, Justin. My husband was watching. This is actually so dumb, it'll make you dumber once you've heard it.

Justin says, My husband was watching our dog and the dog was loving himself sick, using his paw to like scratch behind his ear and like... You know when you just see, oh, that dog's loving its best life, just having a great time. Yeah. My husband looks at me and goes, look how happy it is. I wish we could do that.

I slowly turn my head and look at him and then raise my hand and then scratch by my ear. We can do that. He was silent for 10 minutes. He knew there was no coming back from what he just said. Once after watching Shrek, I said, Will our ogres green in real life? And that is less dumb than that.

I don't know if it is. Hi, it's Roxy from the Fulcrum Islands, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon. They joined us for a little teleparty on the weekend, a little Christmas movie. Jess Rowe, good on you, Jess. Thanks, Jess. Tom Millie, Felix Proof. Is that Tom Millie Camp? Yes, it is. Katie Marie, good on you, Jess. Thanks, Jess. Tom Melle, Felix Proof. Is that Tom Melle Camp?

Yes, it is. Katie Marie, good on you. Patrick Griffith and Ebony and Talia McQueen. Excuse me? Excuse me? So Ebony and Talia will be having words with you, I think. I'll be having more than fucking words. I'll be having elbows.

I'll be having dinner. Let's have a lobster roll together. I love a lobby roll. You know how they're my favourite food? Yeah. Yeah. In Hawaii. Oh.

Lobby rolls coming out in a fucking hoo-ha. Really? How many do you reckon you had? Probably 20. Nah, probably not 20. Definitely six. Yeah. Which is significant.

I was only there for six days. Yeah, that is significant. And I didn't eat one every day. So on one day I had more than one. Thanksgiving indeed. What did you have for Thanksgiving? We had like, so we did buffet breakfast obviously. And then they had like

a big buffet like Thanksgiving day. That's what I mean. Did you go turkey? Did you go ham? Tried it all. They didn't have a ham. Okay. But I did get to eat suckling pig because we went to a luau. Was it incredible? It was life-changing. I bet it was.

Oh, I'm so jealous. It was so good. Could we do a suckling pig in the ground in your backyard? Definitely not. Why not? And it wouldn't even fit in my oven. I've only got a little oven. No, in the lawn. No, I know. We couldn't do it in the oven i've only got in the lawn no i know we couldn't do it in the ground at my house because i live on an easement and um you said an excuse a

lot yeah well don't put it in the easement just bring it back a little bit what's an easement isn't the easement like a meter from the back fence it's a publicly owned part so that the council can come and like fuck up your backyard whenever they want if they need to put pipes in or something or if something needs then they like legally they can come and, like, fuck up your backyard whenever they want. If they need to put pipes in or something. Or if something needs, then they, like, legally they can come and, like, destroy your shed or. Isn't that, like, the back meter, though? Like, it's the line. I don't really understand it.

Yeah, there's on your lawn, free for all. But I don't want to fuck up my lawn. There'd be a suckling pig in there. It's an improvement. Yeah, but only for one day. And then all of a sudden I've just got all this, like, extra pig bones and a fucked lawn. Yeah, okay.

Fair call. Do you know what we could do? Pop it in the spa. Do the spa really high. Boil it. Boil pig. Boil pig. I mean, I do want to get a sauna.

We could have steamed pig. Pop it in there. Steamed. Boiled. Just the best kinds of roasting. Big three ways. Bacon, ham and pork. Big three ways.

I meant steamed, boiled and. Hungied. Yeah, and hungied. Okay. Proudest day of my life. I mean, after the jokes we've just done, I can understand why. Proudest day of my life I mean after the jokes we've just done I can understand why Proudest day of my life

My friend Tim had sex with a boy in New York Oh Glorious Tim and I went to high school together Known each other for 20 years Tim Elford, great guy Tim Elford, great guy You've met Tim

You went and hung out in Vegas with Tim. Yeah, I went to the Sphere. Great time. Oh, I was sick. So Tim and this boy in New York City. I mean, first of all, what a beautiful story. Yeah. And it's like, you know, it's chilly at the moment in New York.

Set the scene, the Christmas trees are up in Rockefeller Center. So Tim and this boy are having a little smoochie. How did they meet? Was it a meet cute or was it like a Tinder thing? Yeah. Okay. That's okay. I just was like they were both in the plaza looking across

at each other from the bar, you know. In fact, let's just go with that. Yeah. They met at the plaza. So Tim and this boy are having a little smoochie. Lovely. Sexy. They took each other's shirts off.

They took each other's virginities. I don't think so. And then they continued smooching. Smoochy. Lovely. Were they at Tim's hotel or this boy's house? I believe it was at his house. Upper East Side probably.

It was up his East Side. That's funny. They took each other's pants off and continued smooching. Don't you miss a big kiss, Sesh? You don't do that when you're, oh, God. You don't do that like. When you're in a relationship, no. It was all lovely until Tim saw something and goes, what's that?

What is that on your bum? A what? And Tim said, I don't think I can continue, knowing that you've got that there. What is that? And the boy goes, oh, that. Yeah, my favourite podcaster signed my arse and I got it tattooed. The boy with the white J-string.

That's a photo taken from Tim. Oh, my God. Proudest day of my life. This. Swipe across. Is the ultimate coincidence chat. Coincidence chat. Yes, it is.

There's a video of us signing his butt. And it was a beautiful butt. A beautiful plump butt. After we signed his butt, he went and got it tattooed. And can I just say, we'd signed a lot of autographs that day. Yeah, Ryan, yours is looking crook as fuck. Oh, my God. Tim and I went to Altham High School together,

and this was in New York City on the other side of the world. I can't stop looking at this beautiful bum. We said it was a beautiful bum. I've done a great signature. I'm very proud of mine. Yours is awful. Mine's awful. Now, I won't let everyone else see this one, but do you want to-

Because we signed his cock as well. Do you want to see the photo from the date, the app? Yes. Of the tarpa? Yes, like his profile picture or whatever. It's not a profile picture. Oh. It's a picture once you get to know him.

Oh. Go, Tim. Yeah, it was a hottie, hey? I thought so. He was also a really lovely person. Like we were chatting to him and he's like, will you sign my bar? And he pulled his little pants out in front of the New York library. It was very sweet, as you can imagine.

There were other people doing the same, not to get signed, but just had their bums out in the New York City library area. So this is the craziest coincidence I've ever heard. Are you proud and happy? Did I oversell it or is this legit? Out of all the boys in New York, all the boys in the world. You are right up my alley with coincidence chat. Well, someone was up someone else's alley.

Yeah, sorry about that. For the record, it didn't stop him. Oh, I would be upset to hear that it did. Tim goes, I don't think I can. And the guy goes, really? And Tim goes, nah. Now he goes, nah, just having a yarn. He goes, nah, you know what?

I'll just bottom tonight. I don't have to look at it. That's fine. I love coincidence chat, and you know that. I do love that. That is a very good coincidence. Yep. I'm actually just flabbergasted that that happened.

Yeah, same. Like I said, there's 10 million people in New York. At least. Yeah. And I'm guessing Grindr is just flying off the handle. Well, it was when we were there. Yeah, fucking hell. Yeah, it actually shut down the app, I believe.

Yeah. Yeah, there was that many people on there. Swipe and swipe and swipe. Do you swipe on Grindr? No, you scroll the grid. Scroll the grid. Oh, like Instagram. Yeah, very similar.

Similar. Yeah. Very similar. I've seen Grindr. Sorry, I was playing dumb, but I've seen it. Anyway, the thing is, that is the most wonderful. I am on it speechless. Yeah.

And that does not happen to me. You don't sound like it. What is your fucking problem? I'm just bringing gold. I don't have a problem. No problems today. Proudest day of my life. Then did you ring Tim and go, oh, what about that failed hobby you used to have?

He goes, I've just fucked this guy who's asked you, son. You went, yeah, remember when you bought a stand-up paddle board? Are you okay, Kevin? Fucking hell. All right. That is the most, I can't believe you didn't tell me that. As in like, how did you hold that in? But when I heard this, I was like, this is incredible.

Thank you for sharing that with us. Thank you, Tim, for sharing the – like, and also imagine fucking a guy and being like, do you mind if I just take a quick picture of your ass because I know that guy. Do you think that – okay, I've got a question. A big thank you to Matty. And Matty, great guy. Great guy.

Do you think that Tim was like – you know when you go to your partner's house for dinner for the first time and, like, meet their family and the family goes, oh, let's get out the photo albums. Or has Jimmy ever told you about when he shat his pants on the first day of year five? Don't embarrass me. Yeah. Do you reckon that Tim Elford went, hey, Maddie, guess what?

I've seen Ryan, like, in a ditch. Yeah. Tim has seen me in my worst. Yeah, but do you reckon he did, like, has seen me in my worst Yeah but do you reckon he did like the embarrassing story thing I think he might have but on the other hand it seems like they were pretty preoccupied They were busy Yeah and if they were telling stories about me as a teenager or whatever else they might have wanted to do I know what I'd be choosing

Yeah So is Tim the friend of yours that fucked the guy from Mean Girls as well No Oh I was going to say doesn't he do well in America? Yeah, no. Who was that? That was Liam and Phil. Liam and Phil fucked the guy from Mean Girls.

Yeah, ruined that movie for me. God, you've got some great friends. Tim's the guy that flipped your Lord tickets to a guy from Grindr. Yeah, God, he loves Grindr, doesn't he? I believe Grindr loves him. Yeah. That's true. We got to love to see it, Tony.

Oh, yeah, and this is quite wholesome, so we've got to put away the Grinder chat. Mel Marsh shared this in our Facebook group a little while ago. The big M. Yeah, the big M. You're right. Double M. Yep. Just a double M. Could you imagine double M's? Can they go that big? Yeah. Wow. Yep.

Fuck. They do. And that would be awful. Just awful. It would be the most painful. Mel says, my nan saw your book on my counter and absolutely loves books. My book. I wrote a book. She read the back and said, oh, well, so who is she?

And Mel said, oh, she's part of my favorite podcast and, like, this is what her book's about and whatever. And she said, oh, what's a podcast? Oh, God. Nan goes, oh, well, I her book's about and whatever. And she said, oh, what's a podcast? Oh, God. Nan goes, oh, I don't know what that is. And then Mel explained it to Nan and Nan's downloaded Spotify so that she can have a listen to the pod. Oof. Hope it doesn't start with this episode.

Learning a lot about Tim. Oh, Nan. Oh, God. She doesn't know what Grindr or Instagram is. So the comparison will be totally lost on her. She knows what doing the hippity-dippity Oh, Nan. Oh, God. She doesn't know what Grindr or Instagram is. So the comparison will be totally lost on her. She knows what doing the hippity dippity is, though. Well, yeah, she's got grandkids. I mean, how do they come about? Unless they're adopted

like you. Yeah, but I guess. Yeah. Anyway, but here's a picture of Nan reading my book. Don't you love that? Isn't that so sweet? So my grandma's going to read your book. Oh, did he?

She's put aside the differences about writing poems. We've had an argument this year, but I mean Christmas is about bringing each other together. What if I get her a copy and I do a nice poem in the front? No, that's a bit passive aggressive. No, I could get her a copy. I think mum has lent her her copy. Does your mum have a copy? Yeah.

That's really nice. My family supports you. That's really nice. Thank you. I don't have any family, so they don't support you. My sister listens. She buys the merch. Speaking of poems, someone sent a poem in. We had a couple of poems read to us.

We did. At the meet and greets, which was lovely, wasn't it? This is from Andrew and he said, I hope you enjoy that this rhymes, Tony. Oh, thank you, Andrew. He's got a great segue. How did you do that? Is this your job?

It actually is. It's nice. It is. Yeah. This is from Andrew. Hi, Andrew. Who has written a poem about catching up. You know a lot of people go back to the start.

Oh, catching up on the pod. Yeah, he's like caught up. You know how a lot of people go back to the start? Oh, catching up on the pod. Yeah, he's like caught up. Okay. Are you going to perform this poem for us to like a beat, like a rap, or are you just going to read it? You're going to beatbox and give me something to rap over? I wasn't actually planning on rapping it, but it feels right now. Driving my car, the podcast does play.

It feels like so long to reaching this day. Went to the start so I'd get all the jokes. Becoming a tarper, just one of the folks. From shitting on towels to falling out of cabs, having things stolen and talking about fads. Getting drunk on planes, was it normal or nah? Getting signed by Spotify or buying a car. I've seen you guys grow oh so much through the years. Oh! Also, wrapping off the calf without practice.

Beautiful. Very, very good. Sounds like he's a big fan, Drew, and I love to see that. Did you say his name was Andrew? No, it was Carl. Oh, what? No, it was Andrew. I was like, oh, my God, when I get Andrew.

The shock horror on your face when I said, I'm sorry, we don't do pranks. I'm really sorry. Oh, yeah. But you just sold that in. Yeah, fuck. Fandrew? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

His name's Jim. Oh, fuck. Okay. You love to see that. That's an amazing poem. But that's one thing I didn't think of. So he just had them on tap, but now he has to wait every day. A few people have said that, that now, like a pleb,

they have to wait each day. A few people have said that, that now, like a pleb, they have to wait each day. A few people have messaged recently because, like, when we first started the pod, people would listen to the latest episode, decided whether or not they liked it, then go back to the beginning. Now the trend that I'm seeing is that every day people listen to the newest one, then for the rest of the day listen to eight old ones. And then, like, Tuesday morning, listen to the newest one, then for the rest of the day listen to eight old ones.

And then, like, Tuesday morning, listen to Tuesday's episode. I can't think of anything worse than that. Because all of a sudden you're like, hang on, Ryan's got a baby. Oh, he doesn't anymore because this is an old one. Or Bridget's pregnant. Or you're looking for a house, another one? I just don't know how people do that. So, you know, however you listen is the right way.

No wrong way, but that sounds awful to me. That sounds awful. Tomorrow on the show, confessions. These are top confessions. I've got more coincidence chat, actually, and it's a lot more wholesome than your coincidence chat from today. Really? Yeah. Well, I hope so. Yeah. I mean, it can't get much dirtolesome than your coincidence chat from today. Really? Yeah.

Well, I hope so. Yeah. I mean, it can't get much dirtier than that with the still, you know, family-friendly label on it. Should we also do a post and do one more coincidence chat before the year's out? We have to. It's my favourite thing.

Okay. These have been great coincidences. We'll put a thread up. Put your shittest coincidences up. The shitter the better and we'll do one before the year's out. But the thing is

is that if you think it's good, it's probably shit. So share that as well. Yeah, good. Yeah. Tomorrow as well as Tony's coincidence chat.

I feel like if I give a clue, I've got a confession tomorrow when I read the first half of the first sentence, you'll already know the whole story. Oh, good. Yeah. Save us time. Short episode

tomorrow? No. Ryan's going to read half of one line and then we'll head off and hope that you understood what it was. Alright. Have a good day. Love you. Bye.