Toni and Ryan - The Weirdest Thing In Your Algorithm

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

[VIDEO FOR THIS EP AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE] Dream chat - Animal algorithm - Board comedy - love ya!!!!!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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In English, a seal pushed me yesterday. Yep. And apparently, this is what that means in French. Do you? And the way she says it. Charles, if you pushed my seal over, I'm telling you what. I'm Maya from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Hi, I'm Eric from Long Island, New York.

Hi, I'm Thames and from Melbourne, Australia, and I approve this podcast. Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Tony. This is the Tony and Ryan podcast. I already said that. Sorry, we're rattled this morning.

Can we just do quick dream chat? Just an overview? We normally don't talk about dreams because as we all know, every other person's dream story is boring. Only your own. You think your own is so interesting. And other people are like,

well, it didn't even happen. So why are you to tell you? telling me this um because what a wild thing to walk into tony's house this morning i know there's a bit of tension in here um we're still recording from my house yep um you got dumped by your fiance in your dream last night um so torbs in my dream i woke up very upset i dreamt um torbs broke up with me because he wanted to experiment with other dudes which is literally like so hot and fine but you have to break up with me to do that i was actually going to leave that detail out and just they had Tony had a weird dream but oh no I'm like it's fine yeah why is it about dudes

there's been some comments or no I literally I don't know where it came from and it really took me my surprise yeah and then so I woke up and I was like I just love me it too and then we had a little kiss and then I jumped in the shower to cool off Charles was coming so we you know we'll say the other man to the house yeah Charles's in the dream as well finally enough Do you want to know the most boring stressful dream I had last night? Oh, dream chat. I was holding Mabel, and we were in a really small town that happened to have a really big Westfield in it.

And the whole dream was me walking around trying to figure out where we parked the car. That's not a dream. That's a nightmare. It was a night. No, but it was. Because I was like, I'm pretty sure we came up a ramp. I was near the left. So I was, and we just, no, I wasn't that one.

And then just the whole dream was me getting more stress trying to find the car. And Mabes is like, she's going to be a heavier because you're getting older. Yeah. He's like, dad, what are we doing? And I was like, if I fucking, you're all doing them, you know what I meant? Like, why don't we just go to the car, dad? You're like, oh, oh, great idea. Oh.

Yeah. Have you guys thought of raising revenue? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Nah, I know. But that's actually not the strangest thing I've walked into this morning. Yesterday, Mabel and I went to a farm. My two-year-old daughter, we went to a farm.

Beautiful. Edendale farm. Little community farm. There's some chickens. There's some goats. And there's these really. little cute, little lambs. And I said, oh, I was such a great afternoon yesterday.

And Tony goes, my whole algorithm is animals giving birth. It is. Now, I don't want to, and I'm going to coin a new phrase here, Algo judge, I'm not going to judge you on your algorithm. Yeah, okay. But like, what's like? No, I don't know where it like, so a lot of the time. And I wonder if anyone else has something that's, this, the algorithm has decided you like this.

and maybe you don't even like it or maybe there's no reason or you're not proud of it but just what's in your thing sorry is there something producer Charles and what's in your algorithm

what's why laughing I was just writing down a note and I glanced at Charles's computer and then he like death stared me like because I was looking at his computer I actually don't want to know what's on Charles's algorithm you're also supposed to both be working okay

yeah I'm writing a note okay doff protest doff too doff I've got your dog that is a full dumb job So, Tony, what's going on, mate?

So it's throwing me an odd one. I feel like the animal giving birth was a bit of a spanner in the works, the first one. And then you watch it for a bit too long. You connect with it a bit too much. And then the algorithm goes, she loves seeing animals being born. My algorithm often is like lots of interiors and DIYs and craft stuff. And that's on, I would say, on brand. That's on brand.

the other part of my algorithm often is the sea and like like POV videos of people when they're swimming and like a whale like jumps out of the water get heaps of that heaps of snorkeling videos also on brand. Went for life. And then yesterday I'm just doing my little scroll in the afternoon. I've been at work. I'm, you know, de, I was about to say decomposing. Well, I mean, would that be inaccurate?

I'm decompressing and I scroll and I see this sheep in this little barn and she's giving birth. And so it's like the little lamb is still in the sack, like still in the amniotic sack. And it gives birth the whole balloon and then it like bursts as it hits the floor. Isn't that how like it feels like, how they hit the floor and just like with a thought, it feels like. Yeah, all of a sudden they're alive. It's crazy. It's like, are they still alive? Yeah.

Are they okay? Because I hit the floor pretty fucking hot. And then it's kind of like, eh, eh, and then the mama turns around and she's tough. It's so emotional. She starts licking a little baby,

and the baby's like, eh, eh, I was so cute. And then I scrolled. And then I saw a koala giving birth. And you know how they, So they're in the, these are, women are insane.

The koala, the koala is in the tree like this, like full puss forward. Yeah. Like that. Like up a tree. It's up a tree, right? Like this. So for people who are listening to the podcast, you're really missing your show. It comes out of the puss.

Yeah, we know where it is. And then it climbs up into the pouch. And so the little puss pops out this little marsupial, little slimy little, little fin. and then it finds its way into the pouch to continue to growing there. Like it incubates in the pouch and that's where the teed is so it can feed. How come koalas can do that the second they're born? Lambs and other animals can walk within minutes of being born. But humans, the advanced species...

Oh, well, no one said that. Yeah. We invented bridges. We decided that, yeah. how come we take a year to figure that shit out? I wonder if it's more of a percentage game. Because if you think about a Kalala, how long's a Kalala are alive for?

Sorry. How long's a Kalala alive for, Charles? I don't think you said it like that the first time. Little Kalala, caramelo Kalala. Koalas are alive for about 10 to 12 years. So the percentage is probably about the same because what's our life expectancy, years so it takes us a year they've got to get going quicker because they've got less time

to burn they're middle age by the first week oh yeah yeah yeah they get their license two weeks old they're on the road their gumnut license you know what I mean yeah so they don't have time to waste but we know we've got a bit of time we can be a bit leisurely so how um and I love that for us honestly I loved the break between birth and nine months You need it. You do. After being born, do you know, that takes it out of you. You know what I would love?

I'm fucking to be born again, a bit of a break. For a year where I could just lay on the floor and shit myself, wouldn't that be relaxing? I've got too much on. Oh, yeah. To go back. And that's just what Benjamin Button was saying, wasn't it? Yeah. When he said it'd be great if we aged in reverse as if he's a philosopher and that wasn't a film.

And as if he like decided to do that. I've never watched that movie. Is it good? You can tell. So there's a skywriter. He just decided to age the other way. Yeah. And he discovered aging.

Yeah. And he went, whoo. Uno reverse on the bucket. Slams the reverse card down on his 18th birthday cake. And goes, no bitch. Right back at you. Yeah.

No, that's good. So with these videos, how I don't want to be. like weird but how like full puss is that allowed on but it's not like it's biology

well I guess that someone has decided that like a person couldn't post that but an animal is fine yeah who decided that which is what you're asking I don't I don't know but is it like confronting to look at or is it just like the circle of life and it's kind of beautiful I think I think I found it kind of beautiful

because I well at first I was like oh that's a lot of that but sheep, you know, but I just also like, I started to cry. Of course. Of course. Yeah, I've got a lot on. All right. So, I need a break.

You've had a dream that your fiancé wants to. It's going to leave me. For another man. Yeah. You. Not even one man. Men in general. Yeah.

Which I love for him, but I just do you have to break up with me to do that. You can fuck dudes if you want. Over the years, I wonder if anyone's kept the running tally of shit tobs would be allowed to do before Tony would not be with him anymore. Because you just love him so much. I love him so much. Yeah, it's fine. Just stay with me. It's fine. Yeah. Honestly.

Yeah. Yeah. So you've had a weird dream. Yeah. You've had a weird scroll. Yeah. And there's a refrigerator in the lounge room that I've been told I'm not allowed to ask about until tomorrow. Is there anything else you'd like to discuss?

Because we're not talking about that. We're not allowed to talk about it. Yeah. Are you looking forward to getting back to the office? Yes. Oh, my God, yes. As soon as I can climb up those stairs, I fucking, it's over a few bitches.

I'm Maya from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Hi, I'm Eric from Long Island, New York. I'm Thameson from Melbourne, Australia, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe, But this time, why not look a little further to Dubai, a city that everyone talks about and has absolutely everything you could want from a vacation destination. From world-class hotels, record-breaking skyscrapers, and epic desert adventures,

to museums that showcase the future, not just the past. Choose from 14 flights per week between Canada and Dubai. Book on emirates.ca. today. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion Tarpers over at our Patreon. A few of these people are getting a bloody, getting a calendar, a chance to win a golden ticket. Thank you. A chance to win a golden ticket. Love that.

Times a condition to apply there on the website. Yeah. That's very good. I wrote that. Legal chat. Thank you very much to Jordan. Love you, Jordan. And that is J-O-R-D-E-N, which I think is really cool.

J-O-D-D-N. That's fun, eh? Instead of Jord-D-Jordane. Valerie Schmoyer, love that. Felicity. No. Felicia. Fiscii.

Sorry. Felicia Flewelling. Oh, that is fair. That is tough. Thank you. Savvy, good on you, Savvy. Jess, Bill, Just Bill. Alyssa Simpson, Haley Marshall,

Sydney Schumann, Jess Z and James Pailthorpe. Good on you, James. Good on you James. Thank you, everybody. And there's been a lot of questions about Golden Ticket Tapper and the calendars. More information available on our Instagram,

on Patreon. And if you're wondering, you can send us a message as well. Just one common question straight off the bat is, like, when is the trip? Because I know a school teacher was like, well, like we only get certain times off or different. countries, blah, blah, some people's like, I've got to get a passport. The answer is, is that we'll work with you and we'll figure out what works best.

Yeah, so after our winner has been chosen and accepted our offer, then we can figure it out. This is the great thing. We're not like a huge business where it's like, and you have to fly on the blah. Yeah, we'll chat to the legal team. There isn't one. Like, yeah, the legal team is Lily. Yeah. She did one year of law.

You also did one year of law. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, so we're across it. The first year at University of Wollongong, wasn't it? Yep, yep. It's one of the first, the great first years of law school is the University of Wollongong. Oh, and Lily's University of Wollongong. I mean, they've never seen grades like it.

But yeah, so we can work out all those details with you, so don't stress. And don't let it stop you from entering. Yeah. Like, because logistics chat can all be figured out. Like it will all come out in the wash. You want to find the most niche question? yeah someone messaged and said I'm a vegetarian and I'd feel bad because if I come to top tower and order lunch like maybe you guys wouldn't like vegetarian yeah we yes we would

we'll figure it out dude it's fun still I won't enter because heaven forbid like you guys have to have a salad yeah yeah but like we're all good yeah we're big kids yeah um another thing though I don't know if you saw this um I meant to tell you last week that can on my friend Khan, he commented and said that he will cook lunch for the winner as well. That's huge. So Khan is a celebrity chef and he's going to cook lunch for you one of the days. I was in a room where Khan and Tony were at the same time and fuck, what's it like to be invisible?

Yeah. The love between these two and this, the like, Khan's like, who's that guy? Tony's like, I've never fucking met that. We'd been dot comrades for ages, like talked on Instagram. And then they walked in and both went and we like squealed and we were at Channel 7 and they were live in the next room. And the producer came out and was like, what the fuck he's got? I love this for you. Can you just shut the fuck up?

Like, yeah, we've got in trouble. Anyway, but Khan has offered to cook dinner or lunch one of the days, which is very exciting. Yeah. So, I mean, it's all coming up. Tapas. It is. Now I'm a little bit nervous. Yeah.

Because last time I had a. a board that revealed answers. I fucked it. Yeah, but I think I'm leaning into Tony guessing, so I've kind of designed this one for you to guess. Okay, so because I fucked to the last one, you're like, let's change how this works. No, just other reasons which escaped me at this point.

At this time, yeah. Can you just fix that because that's really pissing me off? Your cable is like a little bit twisted on the left there, and you just need to do it. do a little turn, a little turn. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Nice.

It was just sticking out, making me fucking crazy. Now, do you know what? I think I'm getting sick. Oh, no. I've got sick mouth. You know,

when you get sick mouth right before you get sick, I think I'm getting sick. I need to have an anti-histamine. I think I can go on, but I'm just saying, I think that I'm getting sick. Can I say something?

You've been sick nonstop for fucking three years, and I'm so sorry to bring it up. Can I say something? Always. You are so brave. I actually needed that because I don't feel the brave friend. My boyfriend's leaving me. I'm getting sick.

Anyway, yep. Would you like some marmos? No, you know what? I will do that after this. All right. Would you like to guess what the game is? If you get this, I will get fully naked on this couch. Oh, okay.

then I don't want to guess. No, I take up back. Something that I would say that's like, there's just no way. I will fly a second tarper out here with a golden ticket. I'm going to guess that the board is empty. I'm guessing that it's a ranking of five to one of the most ordered things at McDonald's in the last five months.

years. It's not, but that's a great idea. We'll write that down. Today we are doing what sounds do dogs making different languages. That's interesting. It actually is fascinating because, and I'll give you a... So I see we've got a board comedy, but do we also have audio comedy? Well, I know an audio queen.

So basically, and I think we already know the answer that in English, yeah, dogs say woof, woof. Woof, roof. But Tony, on the board, we have Norwegian, German, French and Spanish. Okay. Now, Tony. Well, we've got a French dog in the house, so that is that cheating? Oh, Pippa.

Some French bitch. I don't know why I thought about French Montana, the music producer. Unforgettable, need to get you a love. I'm a little French dog. Am I all right in the camera, Charles? Because heaven forbid I moved with the board. Well, you do. Can we note that the feedback was taken on about the tape?

I was about to say, yep, you have changed from tape to blue tack. Congratulations. And if there's any complaint you can say to Lily's face this time. Yeah, she wasn't here for last one. Yeah, Zoe, is there anything else you'd like to say about the board? No, I love it. I love the thickness of the board. Thank you.

Was that expensive? What sound does it? Well, I just realized that we need a new board every time we do board comedy because we're writing on it in Texta. No, but that's... Should we get a white board? No. Okay. No.

Should we put it to a vote? No, but what I like about it is that it's then a memento every time. Uno memento. Yeah, poor for four. Now, English dogs say woof-woof. Yeah. What do they say in Norwegian? Is there an answer under there?

Absolutely. Okay. Voof, woof. How would you spell that? Is that what you're asking? Like, with V-O-O-F? The dog whisperer is in the house. In Norway, dogs say woof, woof.

That is amazing. Oh, my God. Now, German dogs. W. O with the umlau F F. Werf. Oh. Close.

It's W. You. What do you say? Just triple U. Triple. That's very funny. Next is a French dog. Should we ask Pippeer?

What are you got, girl? She doesn't make any noise. So, yeah, she snorts. What do you reckon, girl? Woof-woove. Sorry, the way that Charles just held Piper up is worth going to the video show if you're not watching that currently. I'm like, um, a v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-v-how would you spell that? V-O-O-O-F.

Wah-hu, wahoo. A wawa, wawa. So the French dogs are boreat. Yeah. Wawa, wawa, wawa, and finally, a Spanish dog. Oh. How do you say hello in Spanish? C.

No. No. Bonjourno. No. Buonneseros. Holla. Olla. Ola.

Ola. Wilf. Weill. Guo-gual. Guo-gual. So if you see a Spanish dog, you should say guao-gual. Guo-guo. So what does that mean to there?

Is that the sound that the dog makes? Or is that just how you say woof? Do you know what I mean? Great question. Like, does the dog actually go guau, gual, or does it just go, oof, o'f, but the way that you say wolf is guow, guow, do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. I think it's, in Spanish culture, they hear that. That's not in at all.

Yeah, no. Because dogs don't really say wolf. No, that's what I'm saying, but we don't hear that. But I think we do. Or like someone's gone, oh, it's kind of close to a wolf. I guess we'll just go with that. Well, no. And then in Spain, the dog said, guau, wow, wow.

And they went, oh, yeah, if I had to spell it. Oh, well, I'll have some tortillas with some woofamoli. Gua gualca moly, wolf camoli. Yeah. Had to be there, I guess. No, it's true. Yeah. Oh, so true.

Yeah. Great. Do we like the... Yes. Next week, the top five most ordered things from McDonald's. In the past five years. In the past, that's fucking specific, but... How often do they, are they doing a set, releasing that data, do you think?

Internally, I'd say weekly. Do you remember, like... I'll probably trade the company. Do you remember, like, two... You know, the financial statements. Two days before I broke my foot. Maybe the day before. oh, maybe, when we were in the car and I said, how many?

Oh, yeah. What was that question? I asked, it was a really good question. What percentage of the global population has been to McDonald's? Yes. We still don't know, because that happened then I literally broke my foot the next day. I think it was about 50%. Well, no, I think that was your guess.

I don't know if we, I don't know if we ever found out the actual. I feel like I googled it, but then you broke your foot. Oh, Charles. Do you have the answer? So Google Gemini said, it said macas feeds around 1% of the world's population. Each day. Each day. But how many people have been to a McDonald's once in their life?

Yeah, that was the question. Because I asked that and then I also asked if we thought that I could punch through a window in a car. We asked if Tony could kick through a floorboard in Los Angeles. Yeah, and I could. It turns out that I'm very good at that. I've got you love to see here. And you're going to like this very much. It starts like it's going to be a little bit grim, but comes back around.

Okay, great. And thanks for the heads up. Yeah. So Jay sent this through on Patreon. Thanks, Jay. Thanks, Jay says, I'm a London girl. Love to see it. And the other day I was walking down the street and saw an ambulance.

Normal siding in town. But wait. It didn't say paramedic on the ambulance. It said paramedic. she took a better look and it's an amblience converted into a food truck by an Aussie company

that sells chicken parmesan I thought for a moment I'm like they're thinking paramedics yeah no I know and that's why it comes like around like oh sweetheart um

Jay says I'm obsessed if this is your culture I welcome it into my city thank you for your service look at this this is genuine I'm showing you the website this is the Parmamedics website

it looks so yummy and I think if you scroll or look at one of the pages it actually has the ambulant like the converted ambliance um on like how they serve the food out of the side of it and stuff it is so fucking cool this amazing and the menu is unreal the menu looks so yummy oh my god like the big yellow yeah that looks sick so it would actually be rude for us to not go back to london to try and find the paramedics it's worth the trip let me tell you

and Jay and I went back and forwards about this little bit can you imagine if when I broke my foot say we didn't have a car or whatever and Charles couldn't drive me to the hospital emergency room can you imagine if you're like

oh my God we need namblience but the parmomedic turned up that would have healed me I genuinely believe that a chicken parmesan at that exact point probably would have really helped the healing process. What's the green whistle?

Like endone or whatever. What's the OG morphine? Oh, yeah. Does anyone have any morphine? They're like, nah, but like,

do you want some extra Napoli sauce on this? Or can you imagine if all of the things on the menu were like puns of medical equipment? Like instead of morphine, it's like morphine sorrelia sticks or something. But I thought that was so fun. Thank you for sending that to us because it made me piss. And, yeah, we went back and thought about it for a bit.

And, yeah, it's very fun. On the side, they have golden gay time biscuits. We don't have those in Australia. Yum. We will go there. Yeah, we have to find it. Write it down. If we go back to London ever, which we definitely will because London's fucking awesome.

But, yeah, thank you for sharing that with us, Jay, because I love to see that. Now, I've just changed my love to see it because we were doing accents. Oh, yeah. And I think about a thousand people have said to us, you need to do this in Google Translator. The French one? The French one. Yep.

So it is, in English, a seal pushed me yesterday. Yep. And apparently this is what that means in French, or how it sounds in French. Uh-huh. I didn't hear it because... Oh, my God. I didn't hear it.

Go again. Fuck my posse y'er Do you? Back at my pussy. Again. That's not even like, you know, something like, oh, you can kind of hear it.

It's been in a stretch. Charles, if you push my seal over, I'm telling you what. Wow, wow, wow. Well, thank you very much for listening. We're back tomorrow. It's a Thursday, so we're doing normal or nah. We are doing normal.

That's right. Very exciting stuff. Very exciting stuff. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. The French know what's up, don't they? They do. They do. Do you reckon they know that?

Wow, wow. Or they're just like, let's just make this up in the English-speaking world. Someone will find it on Google Translate. And be like... It's just a huge prank. Sure. But how often do you reckon that they're saying the seal pushed me over or whatever it is? Like, how do you even find that out?

Well, I know if I live... there, Tony would say it quite regularly. Fuck my pussy. Who stumbled on that? Who was pushing a seal yesterday and stumbled across that? And I was like, oh, you're in the lonely planet book and you're like, oh my God, it's asking me how to say, how are you? But I don't know how to say I pushed a seal over yesterday.

This is Tony trying to claim that travel injury expenses with insurance. And they go, how did you broke your foot? And you go, oh, I was in Leon. I was in Leon. And a seal pushed me over and I broke my foot and they go, oh, what happened? Then you said, fuck my pussy, yeah. I fuck your pussy, no? Fuck my pussy.

Yeah, okay. Is it getting a little bit slower each time I press it? Yeah. They went faster that time. Go again. It's fucking with us, I swear. And that one was slower. Are you on FaceTime with someone and they're saying it?

I hope not. they're going to be like, I don't know what Ryan's asking for. Love you so much. He's asking free seals to be pushed down tomorrow. Bye. Love you, bye. Bye. We know you love you.

We know you love the thought of a vacation to Europe. But this time, why not look a little further to Dubai, a city that everyone talks about and has absolutely everything you could want from a vacation destination. From world-class hotels, record-breaking skyscrapers, and epic desert adventures, to museums that showcase the future, not just the past. Choose from 14 flights per week between Canada and Dubai. Book on emirates.ca. Today.