Toni and Ryan - The WINNER of the GOLDEN TICKET TARPer

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

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We know it's the weekend, and we should all be taking a day off, but we're here. It's Tony, it's Ryan. We're doing an episode. We're doing an episode. Because we've got some good fucking news. We got some huge news. We are announcing the winner of the golden ticket tarpa. Someone is travelling from wherever they are.

Don't say it yet. Don't say it yet. all the way it is all the way all the way here to Melbourne Australia or we're pumped up we're pumped up

should we read out our chosen winner's answer yeah and settle in folks because we're in for a hell of a lunch when this person comes to top tower and I reckon you'll know exactly why this person's won I want to order so much red rooster

that the delivery driver needs emotional support and a forklift license chips mountainous chicken sauce illegal levels. DC's Diet Coke's

flowing like a sacred river. Then I burst into Tarp Tower mid-recording dressed as a giant chicken yelling, lunch is served, you beautiful cunts! Don't bet that.

And before crowning Tony with a chip tiara and baptizing Ryan in Diet Coke, pure carnage, no regrets. A modern-day

if ever I've heard by. A modern day poet. I do believe, and I'll look to legal lily. Legal lily. Is it true that we had probably, what, 30 or 40 different people suggest Red Rooster? Around that, yes. But no one offered to baptize me in Diet Coke or turn up in a chicken suit. That's a fact. No, and that is a fact, and you're allowed to take that to the bank because 10.9% people mention chicken, but only one person said that. Now, Tony, what do we think think of empty offers here. Oh, we don't do them. Empty offer, hardly no one.

So if... Oh! That one actually works. So if this person's offered to turn up in a chicken suit, do they have to fly it all the way from where they are in the suit? Because that's what we're choosing them are. I'm imagining that we're at the Arrivals Hall in the Melbourne airport. Beautiful airport, by the way.

One of the greats. Owned by a real nice guy. And he walks off that plane. feathers everywhere he's in the chicken suit already he's in the back of my Audi in the chicken suit in my mind he brings no other clothes but the chicken suit

if you were the producer of border security and you see someone roll in in a chicken suit you're searching his bag yeah 1,000 you're checking them feathers you know what I'm saying? Yeah you're looking in that egg

yeah you're checking that cloaca that's a two-way hole for birds. It goes in and out the same hole. It does for mine as well, but I'm not supposed to. All right, should we call this beautiful... I might need a moment. Oh, we're going to talk about the cloaca?

No, we're not going to talk about it, but I'm just going to need a moment to get my head back in the game. And you know what? You need to be balls deep in this. So, like, take the time you need vice captain. I'm ready. Oh. And for those listening, I am wearing my vice captain boat hat.

Tony's wearing a captain boat hat. They do look like pilot hats. Ahoy. But what did you say before? That Tarp Tower is the boat of the sea. Yeah, but what's they got to do with flying here? Oh. That Tarp Tower is the plane of the land.

And I've always said that. Ring the phone. Ring the phone. Here we go. Hello, Jesse. Yes. Oh, right. Hi, sorry, that's Jesse, right?

Yeah. We were actually looking for the golden dick at Tapa. Is that you? Fuck the fuck off. Are you joking? We do not do pranks here. You're coming to Australia. Let's get it.

That's so good. Oh my God, thank you so much. You are so welcome. Thank you. We just read out your entry. So everyone else has heard it. But I've got it actually before we confirm. Oh, sorry.

Yep. Some security questions. One question, because we don't do empty offers here. You're aware of this, right? Yeah. You said that you would arrive in a chicken suit. Will you be flying from Dubai to Melbourne in the chicken suit? Because if you can lock that in, then I can lock in the golden ticket.

Like on the aircraft? Yeah. Uh, why not? Yeah, he's going to Australia. Yeah. Oh my God. So, Jesse, you are going to be coming to Melbourne from Dubai on us. You'll stay for a few nights.

We'll send you some cash. We'll have a great fucking time. You'll come in and do some normal or nars with us. How are you feeling? Are you at work or something? Like, what's going on? Uh, it's, like, honestly, like, unbelievable. Because I've listened to you guys, like, forever.

Yeah. And finally. Yeah, it's amazing And I cannot wait And I've been to Australia for ages Because I've been Dubai for the last three years So I'm super excited Thank you so much

Now, not to put any pressure on you But you do have a plus one Is there someone in particular Like to bring with you? Good fucking question Because I don't want no freeloaders turning up You know what I mean? Well, my best mate

Who lives with me here He's from Lebanon So if we can get a visa for him then definitely otherwise I'll probably just bring my mum both great options both great options a Lebanese or a lesbian

is your mum a lesbian sorry maybe who knows I wanted you to bring me because I'm so excited but I'll already be here yeah when I said who's your plus one

I can see you're going oh what if it's me I can see that and I'm sitting here going What are you fucking talking about, bro? You already live here. I know it's the main character energy of me, isn't it? Tony will be the plus one coming from Dubai and picking her up will be Tony in her. In my own car. But I'll wear a chicken suit.

Oh, okay, great. Well, yeah, sweet. Yeah, you got to play along. You're always welcome in Dubai, guys. Both of you, I'd love to host you. I love to hear that. That's very fun. We'd love to come visit.

Well, actually, how about we see how the first trip goes? Yeah. You know when you kind of plan a friend holiday? and you don't know how it's going to go, yeah. We don't know Jesse yet. Yeah, let's have this play out. Let's do the first one. Give it a bit of breathing.

Yeah. Now, I'll let you, the immigration department, your Lebanese roommate and your mum duke it out. Hey, lesbian, mum. Yeah. For the sake of consistency of my joke. Of course. And branding.

We'll let you play that out and we'll figure out all the details. But thank you so much for being a champion, Tapa. Thanks for being a champion. been taping for a while it seems and listening for a while and we cannot wait to meet you hang out with you bring you to our beautiful city and have a really good time thank you guys so much honestly uh you guys are legends and you make a i don't know a million people happy a day so thank you so much that's really beautiful and this is the first time we've ever done anything like this so ryan and i sitting here like shaking we're so excited and jessie couldn't happen to a

better guy it's so great to chat to you mate and we'll fucking see you at the airport you Oh, my God, I can't wait. Yeah. All right, we'll chat soon. Love you, Jesse. See you later. Bye. But didn't say love you too.

Not a good stuff. Interesting. Love you more. Yes. Bye, Jesse. What a nice guy. How excited. We're going to have the best time.

Yeah, I can tell. Oh, my God. People think I'm joking when I say, I saw in Tony's eye that she genuinely thought she was a chance for the plus one. I was like, it might be me. Obviously, because main character energy. Yeah. But I'm already here. I'm your plus one to life.

Thank you. Don't say that near my wife, Bridget, though. During the day. Thank you to everyone else who got involved. Enjoy your calendar, everyone. We're very excited for people to see this calendar. It is so phenomenal. We're so proud of it.

All right. We'll chat to your Monday, but thanks for being part of it. And how do you feel now, Tony? Because I know we were shaking and when the phone was ringing and stuff. But how do you feel about the fact that a podcast we started four and a half years ago as at the point where we can bring people from around the world to this beautiful city? It's amazing. I'm like actually shell-shocked a little bit, but also just so excited.

And I wish he was coming tomorrow. Yeah. Like, you know when you get good news? When's the next flight from Dubai? Yay! That's not the answer to that question. That's how excited I am. Okay, here's my new thing I'm going to do.

when someone asks me something and I don't know the answer I'm just going to cheer I'm very very excited to meet Jesse can't wait for him to come to Melbourne love you let's not ruin this beautiful moment oh calm hasn't ruined anything love you so much

except that beautiful dress on the floor now I've ruined the moment yeah and the dress on the ball thanks for playing everyone Love you. Let's do this again next year. Yeah.

Yeah. Love you. Bye.