Toni and Ryan - The WORST WAY to Shop Online

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

I'm feeling very attacked here, but I'm worried it might be valid! Alsoooo things you can say as a cop and also in the bedroom. Love u Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello? Hello, is this Denise? Yes, it is. Oh, God, luckily it's not DeNephew. You're a fucking idiot. Oh, my God, that joke. How many times have you heard that? Oh, probably since I was a kid.

Yeah. Every time. Every time. I'm sorry, Denise. But that and being called Dennis. Oh, yeah, you get Denise the Menace as well, maybe? Yeah. When I think Denise, I think of that skit with Key and Peele

where it's like the relief teacher reading the role of the names. Yes. And it's like, A- reading the role of the names. Yes. And it's like, A.A. Ron. A.A. Ron is like, D-Nice. A.A. Ron.

D-Nice. There is, yeah, because there is a rapper, I don't know, rapper, artist, something of that sort, whose name is D-Nice. So that I get as well. Well, we'll just call you Denise if that's fine. But we would just like to say thank you so much for supporting the podcast. Oh, of course. I'm super excited.

Like, highlight of my week. That's really sweet, Denise. Thank you so much. That's very Denise of you. Sorry about her. Sorry. Well, we just wanted to call and catch up. You know, what are you up to?

Whereabouts are we calling you today? So I just got back from Hawaii a couple of days ago. Oh, okay. Must be nice. But I'm home now. But I'm in California in the Bay Area. Oh, my God. Yeah.

So are you hot as fuck? No. Definitely not. No. Definitely not. You my god. So are you hot as fuck? No, definitely not. You must be. Tony refuses to accept that anyone in California is not Miranda Kerr. Or doesn't look like they're on the OC. Definitely not, but I appreciate that. Denise, we appreciate, good looking or not, I mean, look at us.

We aren't ones to talk. Hey, hey. Don't talk yourself down, mate. You are a queen, Toni Lodge. I'm talking you down because no beard. Oh, my mistake. But, Toni, that last photo you put on Instagram, beautiful. Beautiful.

That is so denice of you. I appreciate that. But we actually wanted to call you before we get started today and ask if you would be happy to approve this podcast. Oh, I would be delighted and honoured to approve the podcast. So good. Amazing. Denise.

Denise's love for the podcast is undeniceable. That's pretty good. It's more original than mine. But, you know, it's a nice try. Okay, I'm really getting warmed up now. Alright. Denise has had enough. She's wrapping us up.

Hi, it's Denise from California and I approve this podcast. Welcome to Tony and Ryan. Sorry, I just coughed while you were talking. Sorry if I interrupted you. Oh, nah, all good, mate. Before we recorded these podcasts, Tony had a big night. You would have heard us mention that yesterday.

Are you feeling a bit better? You had some water? Had a Pepsi Max. That's controversial. I've got a Pepsi. Oh, is it? Refused Coke. Max taste?

Was too good for Coke Zero and was like, I'll just have a Pepsi like you were better than us. No, because I don't like full fat Coke. I don't like Coke Coke. What about Coke Zero and was like, I'll just have a Pepsi like you were better than us. No, because I don't like full fat Coke. I don't like Coke Coke. What about Coke Zero? No, I like Diet Coke. So that is controversial because people don't agree with that. My favourite goes like Diet Coke, then Pepsi Max, then Coke Zero, and then real Coke, then real Pepsi.

Okay, someone make a graph of this and chart it immediately. Yeah, someone figure it out. What have we got coming up, Tony Lodge? I've done something really weird in the lead up to a purchase that I thought was normal but it might not be. So what your, would you say process before purchasing online? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. The way that I kind of looked and justified at a purchase

I thought was normal. Then I asked my mate Jane and she was like, nah. All right, I'll be interested to see and she was like, nah. All right. I'll be interested to see if anyone else listening does that. We'll get to that soon. But first, things you can say as a cop. And also in the boudoir. Correct.

Yes. You want to take it away? Sorry, should we have some, like, The Bill music? No, because I put the sexy music in. Oh, of course. How fucking dare you question my production choices? I would never. It sounds like you are.

I would never. Oh. I was questioning my own recording panelling. How dare you. Hey, Ryan, you licensed to carry that weapon? You're talking about my big Glock. Hey, Tony. you're talking about my big glock hey tony yeah put this in your mouth and blow on it till i say stop does that turn you on when someone speaks to you like firmly yeah it does a little bit interestingly earlier today you bought us subway yeah normally there would be 85 messages of us being like,

what do you want? I'll get whatever. I love how you just said. I'm getting Subway. We're getting Subway. Tell me your order now. And I was like, oh, shit. Oh, did you like that?

I did like that. Is it just because I didn't fuck around? Yeah. I found, okay, tangent, lately I've been a bit more fucking. Yeah, a bit of confident, a bit of I'm not here to fuck around. Yeah, thank you. We would have spent 45'm not here to fuck around Yeah, thank you We would have spent 45 minutes You going, oh, just whatever you feel like

Oh, why don't I just pick you up Then we'll both go Yeah, no, I like this Yeah, thank you So as I said Fuck me Stick it in my mouth and blow it Hang on, what have I

Fuck it up I've messed this up Sometimes we actually use this To ram in the back door Sometimes we actually use this to ram in the back door. What is your face doing? Turn around and spread your legs. It's time for a pat down. Oh, that was sexy.

That's really sexy. I like that. Is it because I've got a cop m cop mustache on the way? Yeah, maybe. You have the right to remain silent, but I know you won't. I was going to say, I've met you and you have not exercised that right at all. Ever in my life, especially in the boudoir. Just ask the neighbours and all of Abbotsford and Richmond. Stop or I'll shoot. Your semen.

Oh, and a gun. Huh? Full of dick. Your gum gun. Your cum gun. Oh! Don't tell anyone I said that. Cum gun. Don't tell anyone I said that. Cum gun.

That's its new name. Come and lick me, cum gun. You into shooting? Because you can shoot me with your cum gun any time you goddamn well like. Ah! Shoot. Oh! of like... I'm going to put you in the slammer. Yeah, dog.

Raw dog. Just to test how fucked you are, can I get you to try and walk in a straight line? Oh, no. I've lost the keys to this handcuff. Is there anything worse? Have you... Lost the key? Have you done a bit of that?

No, well, you lose your car keys all the time. That's what I mean. A handcuffed kind of thing. You haven't? You haven't? You haven't? No. Not handcuffed, but just, you know, ad hoc.

Tying things up. Okay. Story, please. I think that's it. No, I need to know. I'll tell you later. Okay, show please. I think that's it. No, I need to know. I'll tell you later. Okay, show me later. Hey, Tony.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Oh, you know I like the hard way. I'd actually prefer you just to do the easy way. Isn't it when they say that they want you to take the easy way, right? Yeah, I think so. Well, please cooperate. to the easy way. Isn't it when they say that they want you to take the easy way, right? Yeah, I think so. Well, please cooperate.

Don't make me spray this on your face. Ah, too late. That could be pepper spray or the cum gum. Thank God you explained that. Tony, I'm going to have to get you to back up slowly and pop that trunk. Licence and registration. Vagistration. Also, I'd never need to tell you that. No, you wouldn't.

No. Get down on all fours! The newsreader just walked past, the new newsreader, and I think she just heard this and went, what is being recorded in that studio? Porn. I don't think I've met her. past, the new newsreader, and I think she just heard this and went, what is being recorded in that studio? Porn. I don't think I've met her.

She's the new weekend person. Oh. Hi. So nice to meet you. We're talking about cum guns. Put that in the news. Anything you say or do will be held against you. Say my name. Or say my name.

Or say dat ass. Because I'll hold it against you. That was very sexy. Thank you. Don't panic. I've been training for this for years. That would make me terrified. Would it?

Like intimidating. You'd be like excited but also like, fuck, what am I in for here? What have I got myself into? You're going down for this. You're going down on this. Excuse me, man. Are you hiding anything in your anus? And would you like to be?

Oh. If a cop said that to you... My dick is going to be hidden in your arse. Sorry, use the scientific term, come gun. We're adults. We're adults. Get it together. Excuse me, sir, do you know how fast you were going back there? It's a naughty 40 zone.

Tony, can you give me some aggressively sexy noises? Ma'am, you have the right to remain silent. Gag me. What? What is wrong with me? What just happened? What's wrong with me? I've got to cut that out. That's too much.

Excuse me, ma'am. I'm going to have to ask you to put your hands where I can see them. Shit. Just quickly, I won't, this person asked for their name not to be shared, so I'll call her Shatterley. Don't do that. They don't like that. When I change their name. Obviously her name was Georgina, so it's very obvious.

So Shatterley was on her way to work. No, let's not. Her name is Shatterley. Is her real name Natalie? Tony. Ryan, don't do that. No, no, it's fine. Remember when we did that to George Wendell after he went to all those sex parties?

Oh, when we said George Wendell's name and that had George Wendell loves an orgy. And then George Wendell said, oh my god, I hate it when you guys do that. Oh my god, George Wendell, I'm hating being outed all the time for my orgies. My name's George Wendell. Yeah. Anyway, Shadily was on her way to work. Yep. And she was listening to Tony and Ryan. Oh, bless her. Lovely. Tell everyone about it. I hope it was on loud. Everyone on the bus heard it. Well, she did something that she... Actually, quick question. If you do something really embarrassing in public,

but you're with your friends, it's fine. Totally fine. Because you just laugh with your friends and whatever. You'll forget about it a day later. When you do something embarrassing by yourself... Yeah, homicide. You just want to kill everyone. You live for that for the rest of your life.

It's freaky. Yeah. So Shatterly is listening to the podcast. She's waiting at the bus stop. You know those little, you know, like a little seat and they have advertising boards? The little, like, enclosure. Yeah.

So she's listening to the pod, waiting for the bus to arrive, and, you know, she's been standing there for a few minutes, a bit restless, so she goes to lean on the bus stop. Yeah. And there's a piece of glass that kind of, you know, protects you from the wind and whatever. Except this day, there was no glass. There was just like the frame. And she... She goes to lean on it with her arm and just falls through onto this

guy's lap. Shatterly! Shatterly! And then she falls on his lap and then, you know, falls onto the ground. And it's, you know, it's peak hour. Everyone's going to work in the morning. So everyone is sort of like trying not to laugh. Like, are you okay but also hilarious? But are you okay but also fucking hilarious?

But you'd rather people laughed rather than looked at you and went like, ugh. Well, that's the thing. She's like, oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. I hope I don't ever see any of these people again. But, of course, the bus arrives. And then she has to get on the bus with all of these strangers. All the people that have seen her fucking decade in the...

Yeah. So then she's on the bus. She can feel the eyes on her. She just wants to bury herself into a hole. And then in her ears is us making sex noise. Oh. Oh. Oh, Shatterly, I'm so sorry that happened to you, doll. That really sucks.

And she would have been in her work clothes as well. Yeah, would have felt that all day. She said, I was so embarrassed and I couldn't share it with any friends, but I felt like I needed to share it with you. Oh, so she has shared it with friends. Eventually, just not on the bus at the time. Yeah, but with us, she has. Well, thank you, Shadily.

We really do appreciate that. And George Wendell, fucking put some pants on. You are a good girl. Hi, it's Denise from California, and you're listening the Tony and Ryan podcast. We really do appreciate it. I know when I've had some like, what would you say, darker days, rough patches, if you will,

there are a few podcasts and TV shows that I used to watch to kind of just escape for a little bit and think about something else, put a smile on my face. We get a lot of messages saying that we are them. We are, what am I fucking trying to say? We are that for them. Thank God you're here, Tony Lodge. And because I've sort of been there, I don't know,

that just was really nice to hear and I feel like it's our way of paying it forward, if you will. Yeah, and that people are like, oh, it's like I'm listening to friends. Yeah. We love being that comfort blanket for people. Absolutely. Oh, by the way, lots of people said weighted, like when you say comfort blanket,

the weighted blankets were very popular in the group. Oh, life-changing, yeah. I've never tried it. We should do it. Yes. We'll get our own. Oh, okay. Shout out to Rachel Rogers, MZ Graham and Timothy Jacobs

who are exclusive tarpers on the Tony and Ryan. Champion tarpers. Champion tarpers. Excuse me. Yeah. Excuse me. Exclusive. No, champion.

Thank you. Yep. Tony and Ryan, the Patreon, thanks for joining us. Thank you so much. So last week I talked about something that I thought was really normal that everyone disagreed with about using a eye mask to go to sleep with. And people kind of arced up. Most of them were in my favour, but I've got another one and I want to know if it's normal or nah.

Can I, even before I've heard it, just say nah? Well, so I have been thinking about maybe a little treat yourself kind of thing. And I have been looking at this handbag online that I really like. It's very low key, but it is quite an investment. Right. Do you look at it? Because you've mentioned on other podcasts about like cost per wear. Yes.

With something like a bag, you go, but if I use it every day for the next five years, like have those sort of chats. So the way I work things out before I buy them is how many times I will have to wear or use that thing for it to be $5 a time. So if I look at a t-shirt that's $10, I'll go, oh, I'll definitely wear that twice. Yeah. Like, or whatever. Yeah.

The math did not check out there, by the way. Didn't it? No, not even close. To be $5 aware, I have to wear it twice. If it's $10. Why did you say $10? Did I say $10? I don't think so.

Welcome to the maths podcast with Tony and Ryan. No, what did I say? Fucking check the tape. Add it in when you're editing this. What did you think I said? I don't know. And I don't care. I said, if there's a top that's $10, I've got to wear it twice.

And that's fine. That checks out. But then if I'm, say, going out for a dinner and I'm wearing a dress that I think I'll probably only wear once and it's $100, I'll go, I can't justify that. Yeah. Anyway, so I've been looking at this bag and it is a little bit of an investment.

Okay. I'm not super flashy. No. Did I say no too soon and too, like, full stop there? No, no. I'm not a glamorous type. Oh, God, no. Absolutely not.

But I'm not very flashy. I just want something that's going to be really, really good quality that's going to last me forever. Yep. It's $500. Whoa. Yeah. So not as expensive as, as like a designer handbag.

Yeah, someone who's not in the bag world. Thank you, yeah. I feel like $500 at first is a shock, but I'm assuming you could pay tens of thousands. Like it would just be the limit does not exist. Yes, yeah. Like you can, when you look at handbags that are like small, like nighttime bags, you know, $4,000 or $5,000.

Whoa. Yeah, but this is like a tote bag. So it's like a work bag. Yeah, and know, $4,000 or $5,000. Whoa. Yeah, but this is, like, a tote bag, so it's, like, a work bag. Yep, and again, years, decade. Yeah. Yeah, great. Like, I will have a forever. It's my forever bag.

Yes, yes, it is. I don't care about a forever home, but a forever bag. Gotcha, yep. Anyway, so I've been looking at this bag online for weeks. I've been messaging my friend Jane about it, and I've been like, oh, what about this bag? Oh, but look at this one. Look at this one. She's got a bag that I really like. I, you know, wanted to try and compare all of them. I've been like really trying to do the math on this bag.

As it is a bag for work, I wanted to make sure that my laptop, my water bottle, my charger, you know, all that shit needs to fit. If my laptop doesn't fit in the bag, don't bother with the bag. Exactly. Exactly right. I'm with you. Exactly. So far, normal. Thank you. So I went to the next step, though, and I found a YouTube video of people packing

and unpacking the specific bag. How long ago did I say normal? Literally like three seconds ago. Fuck me up. Okay. So I am watching this YouTube video. This is already the saddest story I've ever heard. Well, it can't be that sad because someone made the video,

so I'm not completely alone. At least one other person agrees. And it's them going, cool, like here's me putting an iPad Pro into the bag. Yep, like it fits. So my laptop is 13 inches. This is how it looks. Yep.

So it stays in shape and like, oh, here's me with like, I'll put a water bottle in there, a Frank Green water bottle in there, you know, whatever. And I watch these videos and I'm messaging my friend Jane and I was like, cool. So I watched this YouTube video about the bag. I think it's going to fit everything in it. And she goes, what the fuck?

Yeah. And I was like, no, that's all right. I'm like, you know, scoping out a big purchase. You know, I don't just drop $500 on anything. Like this is a big deal for me. And she was like, that's really weird. So I want to know, normal or nah? So what was this video?

Exactly the name of it? Oh, I can't remember. But it was like this bag versus another bag versus another bag. So I've just typed in bag packing video. Oh, it's a whole new world. Holy shit. Yep.

There's like literally hundreds of thousands of results. Yes. Here's how I pack my bag. Yep. Step step one put the shit in it and go yeah i know well so i would just like that's not the level i was at i was looking at this bag oh no you're not that bad no no you're not that bad you're just someone who before buying a bag decided to find a youtuber to pack it in front of you but i wanted to make sure my laptop and stuff was going to fit because what was i gonna do buy this

bag nothing fucking fit in it but did it say fucked off usually in the dimensions and stuff surely in the description which by the look of your face you know exists it'll say somewhere this bag fits a 13 inch apple laptop which is what i have. Oh, it must be. What? You've got a laptop. Yeah, righto. Mate, I do all my work on this. Yeah, mate. And so it said on the description that it fits your laptop?

Yeah. Was that not the end of this? No, because I just like to be sure. I like to be thorough. And anyway. As a freelancer. Yeah. What would your, would your ballpark?

Yeah. Actually, maybe don't answer this, but think about what your hourly rate is when you work as an audio producer, a sound engineer, a professional who is experienced and great at her job. Yeah. Think about how much you charge per hour and then think about how many hours you've spent researching this bag. And instead of doing the research, you could have had a $3,000 bag. You could have just spent that time working.

But I wanted to make sure that the $500 bag, which I understand is like hashtag not relatable content, you know, not a lot of people are dropping that money on a bag. We've been in lockdown for so long we haven't been able to go and do anything. But I'm not flippant. I'm not a flippant person. We can tell. We can really fucking tell. But I'm not flippant. I'm not a flippant person. We can tell.

We can really fucking tell. I would encourage you to flip more. But normal or nah? I want to know if people. Hang on. Is this a poll or are you just asking me? Because my answer is nah. Okay.

Your wife, Bridget. Don't point at me. Sorry. Your wife, Bridget. You're being very aggressive. She is a mass Googler. Don't point at me. Sorry. Your wife, Bridget. I'm being very aggressive. She is a mass Googler. She's a Googler. She once asked me about this makeup she wanted to buy,

Googled it for three weeks, then went into the shop and asked the girl to help her, then went away and Googled it again and then went back and bought it. She's a Googler. She's like me. My life, I'm surrounded by Googlers. Googlers. Yep.

So normal on us. I want some impulse shoppers in my life. Yeah, okay. Someone take a risk. Me and Torbs, we'll just go out in the town and just buy stuff. Yeah, Torbs is not really that impulsive. Neither am I, actually, when I think about it. Okay.

Maybe I'm as sad as you. Well, normal on us. I'd love to know in our Facebook group. Normal or nah, I'd love to know in our Facebook group. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. People are going to come to my defence on this. Just you wait. We're not at the meow, meow stage.

I can meow whenever I want. You want me to be more impulsive? Let me meow. I stand meoweded. Tiffany, now lots of people might have seen this post in the group. Yep. Tony and Ryan, just wanted to say a huge thank you. I recently started my journey to getting healthier and since September 1st, I've lost 32 pounds.

A big part is you guys. I listen to the podcast every day while I go out on my walks and it just keeps my mind busy and I enjoy it. And when you've got something fun to listen to, it makes going for a walk around so much easier. I've been walking three plus miles every single day and I don't care that I look like an absolute fool walking around laughing my ass off with no one else around me,

not knowing what's going on. Thanks for keeping me company on my journey, says Tiffany. Oh, Tiff, thank you so much. I'm so glad we could be part of that. But you've done the hard work. Well, that's what I commented. I was like, hey, likeiff, thank you so much. I'm so glad we could be part of that. But you've done the hard work. Well, that's what I commented. I was like, hey, like, you're down in the pavement. Well, we love to take credit for things. Actually, no, I've changed my tune.

You're welcome, mate. It's nothing to do with your walking. It's all us. You're welcome. Ah, but seriously, though, 32 pounds. I mean, incredible. That's crazy. In only, what, two months? Yeah. What have we been doing? Yeah, I don't know. Making this podcast for Tiffany. Yeah, sorry, my mistake. But you do love to see that. That's amazing. My love to see it is, got sent to me

on Instagram from Jocelyn. Thank you so much for sending it through. Anonymous Australian grandparents paid off thousands of dollars of toy layaways. So like, what's it called? Layby. Layby. Layby. What do you mean layaway? Yeah, I don't know what a layaway is. But layby. So like when you put it away in the July toy sale

and then pay it off until Christmas. But they paid off thousands of dollars worth of toy laybys for struggling parents. So they went in there and said, here's a couple of grand, make some people's Christmas a bit easier. How lovely is that? How lovely.

And then so there's going to be all these parents that go in there to pick up the gifts for their kids and they're going to go. Because they won't know until they. Because they won't know until they go in there to put the last payment on there or whatever. And then they'll go and be like, someone's actually taken care of it. You love to see it. You know what the real selfless part of that is?

Uh-huh. Is that they're not there, like, claiming credit. No. They're not doing anything. Not like us. Not like us. We're claiming their credit. Oh, you love to see that.

Good on you, Tiffany. Whatever, mate. Like, you know, it's not like they're giving it and they're getting the thanks. Like, the person in the store is probably giving them, oh, my God, thank you so much. Yeah. And they're just like, oh. I didn't do anything.

Just some guy and lady came in. Yeah. You do love to see that. Especially, I don't know, I'm not like the biggest Christmassy, Christmassy person. But when you hear these, like, feel-good family stories, helping people out, gifts for the children, you're just like, oh. But Christmas is for kids.

Yeah, it really is, yeah. So when you hear that, it just, like, warms your heart, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah. So lovely. So you love to see that. And if you do a good deed or you see a great story of you'll love to see it, send it through.

Do you want to come around Christmas morning for breakfast? Tony? What? Are you serious? You know, is this a soft no? Are you serious? Are you serious? I just don't want you to.

That's really not. I just don't want to look forward to you on Christmas. Because I didn't know if you were going back to Perth or not. Well, we can't get home. Oh, because of COVID. The borders are closed, yeah. Mate, you're welcome. My family for Christmas.

Oh, thanks, mate. I'll obviously have to check with them. They'll probably turn you down. But just let it be known that I've offered. Yeah, you have offered, yeah. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Take credit. Again.

Take credit. Again. But seriously, come round then. We'll take care of you. Oh, Chris Meows. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Sorry, I have retracted my offer. That was terrible.

Hey, tomorrow, we did Normal or Nah today. Yep. I've got another Normal or Nah from people in the Tony and Ryan podcast group. I think this is my new favourite thing. Lots of people have this thing in their kitchen or had this thing in their kitchen when they were growing up that the whole family used. Yep.

That is one of the most disgusting and health risky things you can ever do. And I was disturbed when I saw it, but then I thought about it. I went, no, no, we did have that. Oh, no. That's on tomorrow's show. Join us. Oh, my gosh. To meow-o.

Okay, I'll leave the parents and you, you big pussy. Oh. meet late the meowing you big pussy oh you you you you you you you you

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