Toni and Ryan - The Wrong Catchphrase

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Turns out the thing I SAID WAS NOT A SAYING. OOPS!!! Love u xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author, best-selling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge. We are calling Jessica, who's in Guildford in the UK, random, also used to live in Bunbury. What? How many people in the UK like ex-Bunbury? Or do you think they do an expat to Australia, go to Bunbury and then go home? Because they realise they don't want to stay in Bunbury. Jessica! Hello!

Hello! Just a couple of ex-Bunbury people hanging out like old times. What do you call someone from Bunbury? Bunbarian. Yeah, we were trying to figure that out. I don't know. Nothing rolls off the tongue well. I don't know.

Babooses. That's appropriate, to be honest. Do you want to move back to Bunbury? I would move back for the pizza dogs from Joe's Pizza That is fair And the Spice Curry Van obviously Yeah I mean with those two things

But I was thinking of Literally Probably a toilet I would say Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Jessica Jessica, sorry about that But would you approve this podcast?

Absolutely Great Sorry We really got off track. Basically TripAdvisor. Now we're good to go. Hey, it's Jess, previously from Canada and Bunbury, and I approve this podcast.

All right, coming up today, a word of warning for us or anyone who is travelling soon. We are flying to Texas this week, to Dallas. See you Thursday night. But this word of warning has a tinge of slapping a pigeon into a cafe energy. Oh, so it's fake. This was on the news, mate. And you're calling bullshit. Was it Chris or Nick that slapped the seagull into the cafe? Is a pigeon and a seagull the same thing? I feel like it interchanged those two words.

It was Nick. Nick once slapped a seagull into a cafe. You know what? I'll accept the seagull into the cafe. You know what I won't accept? The chips into a cafe. Okay. You know what? I'll accept the seagull into the cafe. You know what I won't accept? The chips into the train. And I think that's a fair compromise. Give me that. You can give me that. You can give me the Libby Haynes artwork.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I saw the chips on the train and it was hilarious. Yeah, it actually was. Thank you. But first, these are top confessions. Top Tony and Ryan podcast. People that listen to our podcast submit very annoyingly, frustratingly anonymous confessions. Tonyandryan.com.au.

A prank with my dad's ashes is ruining our family. See? Pranks. Again. They're plaguing the world. His ashes are in an urn sitting on a table in my mum's bedroom and she talks to the ashes every night. Aww. My boyfriend thought it'd be funny to move the urn over just a little bit

to see if she noticed. But on the same day that he did this my dad's old dog passed away and now my mum is convinced that the urn is a sign that dad came back to take the dog to heaven. I shouldn't be laughing, but it's just so funny. What the fuck? It's so gross. Who brings their asshole boyfriend home and he goes, oh, wouldn't it be funny if we fuck with your mum and her dead husband? What a cock.

Yep. So, she's now convinced that the husband's come back and like he's moved the thing because his spirit is in the room i would probably believe that too yeah and she shared this story in all these like psychic facebook groups you know how like facebook groups are like oh share your stories ladies totally and the groups are fucking lapping this shit up they're like showing their friends being like i told you this happens like it's true that they come back for the dog and the animals like that's why he was there to get the soul of the dog and that you know he was in the room and everything's moving around and and so there's

all this sort of stuff happening mum thinks it's beautiful you know of course his beautiful soul has come back i speak to him every night yeah um and so you're thinking like it's like a victimless crime right um or like you know what i mean like do you i mean it is it's nice that the mom that feels nice for the mom but like that's really fucking nasty to do that just like i actually am so off the person that has that like how could you ever do that like why would you do that. Like, I actually am so off the person that has done that. Like, how could you ever do that? Like, why would you do that to someone? I think, and not to, like, defend the villain, I think it's, like, not even about the ashes,

but just if there's something you looked at every, like, if you move the TV a bit to the left, you reckon you'd notice. Well, like, probably. But it's just like, I wonder if, I think it's just like a weird curiosity dumb thing and he didn't think, like. I'm going to do this.

Yeah. I think that thinking it is one thing like, oh, do you reckon that she'd notice? But actually doing it, I think is, I think moving a TV, completely different. Okay. Then going into- They went into her room, her bedroom.

Yeah. Moved her late husband's ashes. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking- That's on the piss to me. Is it a victimless crime or is the fact my other siblings are now fearing for her, you know, like mum's starting to believe some stuff? Oh.

Like, how's her mental health? So, she's thinking maybe my boyfriend and I should confess to the prank. But I feel like the more time that goes by, the worse it is for us to own up. Well, yeah. And mum's getting all this, like, Facebook group psychic fame. I think that they should be honest. Break her heart. She thinks old hubby's come down to take care of the dog

and the guardian angel and all the other mums in the Facebook group are like, oh, my God. But then in the future when she asks for help, like and she says to her late husband and she says, oh, please show me a sign that you're still here and he doesn't she's gonna be really heartbroken by that as well you just like the dog you don't like me you're just here for the dog but you know like i think that would be really hard so you're saying they should continuously move it no absolutely not every couple of weeks yeah a little bit further to the left. No, back to the right again.

Oh, no. Oh, fuck that. I don't know if you can come back from that. You're talking about someone who's- Well, you can't, he's dead, so. No, no, no. Like from doing that to someone who's lost their soulmate. That's fucked.

Can you imagine if like someone did something like that to you? Yeah. If someone did something like that to me with my mum, I would probably never speak to them again like I actually don't think that I could deal with that cam to cross that off the list yeah obviously I'm joking we would never the other prank we were gonna do but you know what I actually don't think I'd be like wow you have crossed such a line yeah yep and there's actually not a lot that I wouldn't then be able to laugh off or go like, oh, this is a bit awkward.

I'll make this right again. Yeah. I thought that's such a line. Pretty cooked there. Yeah. And I think, like they said at the end. But the boyfriend. Fuck the boyfriend off.

Well, she's not. I think the boyfriend. She's complicit. Yeah. But. She is complicit. But, hey, they don't know that the dog's going to die. They don't know it's going to be a thing. They don't know That the dog's gonna die They don't know

It's gonna be a thing They don't even think She's gonna know And now Every day that goes past It gets a little bit worse But like Not knowing that the dog

Was gonna die Right Is Still a big move It's still shit That you go Oh I wonder if she'll notice Let's fuck with my mum

And the thing that she loves Yeah Like Yep Oh it's Oh it wasn't our fault that the dog died. Well, no, but you were still, like, fucking around with someone's, like, heart. What's worse, moving the urn or remember that guy that was on the way home from the crematorium

and took the ashes to the pub and left them there? Because that wasn't a deliberate ploy. No, I think this is worse. Yeah. Yeah, because you're- That guy was just from DCI, from No, I think this is worse. Yeah. Yeah, because you're- That guy was just from DCI, from- Dumb Carla Conti Island. Yeah.

But this is like nasty. Yeah. Yeah, I'm off them. If they listen to the podcast, feel free to not. Oh. They do. Well, the girl does. Feel free to not.

That's uncool, I think. You can stay and listen. But don't be a Carla Conti anymore. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't condone it, but continue to listen. Now it's just a slight gear shift to sounds like a porno. So I'm watching this porno and there's an urn in the background. My high school boyfriend of four years dumped me because he wanted to travel around the world.

I think he just wanted to sleep his way around Europe. I mean, valid though. You know. Would you rather him cheat? That's exactly what I was about to say. Be a man and dump her. I was pissed off and sad. As you would be.

We'd been together for a while. So, I had like a lot of things at his place. So, I found a time where I could go around and get it. Four years at that time? Like, through high- That's an eternity. Yeah. He said no one would be home, but I know where the spare keys are

because I've been around there heaps of times. So, I knew I had some clothes in his room, some makeup in the bathroom. And I remembered that his brother borrowed my iPad charger. So, when I was at the home, I went to grab that. borrowed my ipad charger so when i was at the home i went to grab that and when i walked in his brother was laying on his bed watching porn on the ipad and jerking himself off well it was charged it's working yeah the ipad was charged you borrowed the charger i thought i'd be a better and bigger person than this but i was still so mad about getting dumped just for the pure reason that he wanted to go bang some other girls. Yeah.

I felt like the perfect revenge would be sucking the brother's dick and that's exactly what I did. But you're the brother of grace. He was fine with it. Yeah. Get your revenge right here, sweetheart. Yeah, I'm all good to go. Because I was there, and I quote,

a little longer than I thought I'd be. She was double parked out the front. Well, by the time she was going to leave, the now exes got home. Oh, no way. Yep. So, my now ex-boyfriend got home as I was leaving. He hugged me. And it was like that final time we were going to see each other

because he was about to travel and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. He hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. The same cheek his older brother jizzed on not three minutes earlier. Have fun in Europe. I fucking hate you. Okay. So along the porno line, what I thought was going to happen,

the brother walks in, she's sucking his dick, then the brother goes, what are you doing, Clarice? You know, like in a porno. And then she goes, do you want to join in? And then the three of them are fucking, is what I imagined was going to happen. So it's actually quite anticlimactic if you think about it. Well, sorry, not for the brother. That's not what her face would say.

Yeah. Oh, you know what? You would, wouldn't you? You'd suck your ex-boyfriend's brother's dick. We've all been there. Hey, it's Jess, previously from Canada and Bunbury, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout-out to a few of our champion tapas over at our Patreon.

That is Tapas, Tony and Ryan Podcast. Hannah Sterland, good on you, Hannah. Thank you. Stephanie Keel.ers, Tony and Ryan Podcast. Hannah Sterland. Good on you, Hannah. Thank you. Stephanie Keel. I'll keel her over. Cezatron. Thank you, Cezatron.

Kayla Davidson. Good on you, Kayla. And James Peterson. JP. The big P-dog. Cezatron. Do you like that? I do like that.

Okay. Thursday night in Dallas Yep Holy cannoli Holy cannoli Saturday night Atlanta Sunday we'll be in Nashville, Louisville and Indianapolis And next Monday in Chicago I'm gonna eat a thousand deep dish pizzas

Yeah I'm gonna eat so much food Yep I'm probably gonna die yeah but you'll die doing something you love that's true that is true um if people have like um you know what i'd love to know like rival foods like so you know when we've talked about you know kfc versus red rooster on the podcast before i want to know the american version so i can go and eat both and record a video and then claim it on tax so as in like maybe two rival pizza places in Chicago?

Yeah. Like if you go, oh, this, like Tony's Pizza on the Corner is like you're either a Tony's person or an Alfredo's person. Yeah. Like you're one or the other, you're never both. Yeah. I'd love to know local food rivalries in the places that we're going so that we can go and try. Like, what's the one that rivals In-N-Out? Is it like Five Guys? Yeah. Like, I want to try both and then go, yep, I'm a this guy or a that guy. Have you seen that?

It's like an interview and the interviewer loves Five Guys and the interviewees obviously have never heard of it. Yep. And they're like, oh, what's a way that you like celebrate when you finish a movie? Like, for me, celebrating is like Five Guys. And they both like, oh, what's a way that you like celebrate when you finish a movie? Like for me, celebrating is like five guys. And they both go, what? Yeah.

And then I get a burger. And the five guys go in and out. And then I get a burger. Oh, speaking of food, controversially, I've got another. That deserved a bigger laugh. Yeah, it did. It did. You know, I hate to call you out.

It did. Yeah. I was going to give you the Libby Haynes artwork, but not now. Not after that. That's a fucking low blow, mate. That's a fucking low blow. I'll blow your load. Sorry.

No gifts, please, at the meet and greet. No gifts. Don't bring food. We will have eaten enough. Thank you. Yeah. We will have eaten enough. We're going to be full.

We've got no room to take it. Yeah. Don't win. Don't win. We've got no room to take it in our – don't say that. Don't win. We've got no room for gifts to take them. I have a question. Yeah. You know how you can't put, like, batteries in your, like, checked bag?

Can't you? No. So you can't put, like – you know how they're like, if you've got a power bank or whatever, it has to be in your carry-on? Yeah. So, you can't put like, you know how they're like, if you've got a power bank or whatever, it has to be in your carry-on? Yeah. What's the extent of batteries that can't go in the thing?

That's a kind of- Because- Why do you ask, bud? Toothbrush. Asking for a friend? Toothbrush, et cetera. Why don't you ask your mate, Laura Henshaw? I did see that. That was in her checked bag, though.

Sorry, her carry-on. Shame. Yeah, what do you reckon? I'll Google it. Please, don't Google it on the work computer. If anybody knows. Are you really going to? Are you ready for a month?

Yeah. And also, like, you know, you might as well. What's the alternative? Not? Well, yeah. What are you doing? What are you bringing, Cam? Cam said he's going to bring a douche.

The fist of justice. I think you can buy them over there. Oh, yeah. It'd be the home of it, yeah. What should I do? We could do the same. No, but I still have to travel it through. Oh, of. Oh, it'd be the home of it, yeah. Could I? What should I do? We could do the same. No, but I still have to travel it through. Oh, of course. Yeah. The domestic.

And I don't want to take it in my carry-on because... Shame. Why not? Well, because what if the people go through my bag? Just wink at them. I mean, everyone's taking them. True. Even you? Yeah. Yeah? Sure. Pop it in your bag? I'm taking a whole sex doll. Well, the good thing about that is that it blows up, so it's like... It can deflate, yeah. Easy to put it in your bag. I'm taking a whole sex doll. Well, the good thing about that is that it blows up.

So it's like easy to put it in the bag. Controversial. I got another confession to share. It's a real quick one. We were talking about food and I just got all excited. Oh, sorry. I've moved on to sex toys and toothbrushes. Anonymous confession about BLTs.

I'm a 32-year-old man and I only just found out that a BLT does not stand for bloody large toasty. No. It stands for bacon, lettuce, tomato. Does everyone know this? Yeah, we do. I think they do. I am the biggest idiot ever and even I know that. Could you imagine the 32-year-old, someone goes, yeah, the bacon, lettuce, tomato and

he goes, yeah, and the bloody large toastie. Yeah, that bloody large toastie. And everyone's like, what? Have you ever had a blatt? Which is like bacon, lettuce, avocado. Avocado. Toastie. Tomato.

Yeah. Shame. I've got a warning about packing our suitcases because we're heading off soon. Now, I know you're the type to get to the airport early. I am. I'm not sharing this to Flappy. I'm just reading what it says. Okay.

I missed my alarm and by the time I woke up, there was only 90 minutes until my flight was due to take off. Which means it's boarding in an hour. Tight. I threw my suitcase down on the bed, Which means it's boarding in an hour Tight I threw my suitcase down on the bed Just kind of hugged my wardrobe To just grab as much stuff as I could And just like threw it onto the suitcase

Zipped the suitcase shut, raced out the door, got to the plane Yep, holy moly Not for me Not for me I'm also, even if I slept in, my bag would already be packed Yeah I got to the airport and when I got through security, I get pulled aside. Oh, here we go.

The toothbrush. So she says. Any other guesses besides the toothbrush? I'm going to say coat hangers. They could be probably pretty fucking lethal in an airport. Yeah, they could. Yeah. Yeah, you could do some damage with a fucking wire coat hanger, I reckon.

When I grabbed my stuff, I accidentally grabbed my cat and it ended up in the bag. No! And when the security opened my case, guess which cat phrase happened? My pussy. They let the cat out of the bag. Oh! Pussy.

They let the cat out of the bag. A bit more famous than mine, obviously. Oh, the cat's brushing its teeth. Cat's got the toothbrush. What's that old catchphrase? Oh, pussy. You know that famous saying, mind my pussy? Sorry. You know that famous saying from that famous philosopher, mind my pussy? Sorry.

You know that famous saying from that famous philosopher, wet-ass pussy? Belcalis. They let the cat out of the bag. The cat was in the suitcase. And then it was on the loose in the airport. Oh, because it just pounced out. Well, they go, what's in there? They in the suitcase. And then it was on the loose in the airport. Oh, because it just pounced out. Well, they go, what's in there? They open the thing. Holy shit.

But then what do you do? Because you've got to take the cat back home. You can't just put the cat in a taxi. Check out the x-ray at the top. Could you imagine working there and they go, oh, hang on a second. Or they go through her fucking boarding card. You know how you fill in the thing and it goes, any live export? Nah.

Do you have over $10,000? Nah. And then they open up, there's a cat in there. A $12,000 Persian. Up for multiple counts. Holy moly. So what do they do? The reason I need to bring this up, I think they just try to find the cat and he obviously,

I don't know if he takes him home or whatever. I guess he kind of has to, doesn't he? Well, yeah. And I'm like, can you just look after her? I'll be back in a few days. All good. Yeah, you can't just leave it at the airport. You go, no one open the doors.

Leave the doors closed. The reason I bring this to your attention is what does Pippa like to do or not like to do, but what does she do when you're packing? When I'm packing, she always sits in my suitcase. Why is that? I think because she knows that the like she's like hang on whenever that suitcase comes out my mum isn't in our bed for a while. Yeah. Like so I think that she goes hang on there's something there's something about this. And there's her almost like saying don't take the bag you can't I'm here. It's like she's defending the, yeah.

There's a picture of Pippa climbing into my suitcase. So, is there a chance you could just throw stuff on top of her, zip it up and be none the wiser? It would actually probably happen. Could happen. She's small enough. Because she's pretty tiny. Yeah.

She only weighs like nine kilos. And that and the mortar and pestle. I mean, I'm not even going to notice. So, when I'm, because I'm a gentleman, I put your bag, you know, up to the top of the thing. It's a fucking bit heavy. Yeah. And is that a toothbrush that's turned on? Yeah, because I can hear something moving.

No, you just hear Pippa. She's like Yeah, you can hear her breathing. It's a really good tip actually because it could happen. It really could happen. You know, you're half asleep, you zip the bag up, you don't even realise, you go, oh, say goodbye to Pippa. Oh, she's obviously upset with me.

She saw me packing the bag. So when we get to Fort Worth and we're putting our cowboy gear on, you open the suitcase and just Pippa, like, jumps out and goes, oh, mum. Imagine if we got a little cowboy out for Pippa. And she goes. A little sheriff's badge. What. A little sheriff's badge. What? A little sheriff's badge, a little hat.

And four little boots. Or, you know, those dog costumes and it's like, got like the person riding it on the back. With the arms, yeah. Or, you know, those dog costumes and it's like, got like the person riding it on the back. With the arms, yeah. Yeah. And she's dressed like a horse and the person's like... Let's bring her. Yeah, let's do it. Let's bring her. That's so funny. And heaven forbid we can't bring her. Yeah, let's do it.

Let's bring her. That's so funny. And heaven forbid we can't take her. Let's just have a cowboy party at one of our houses and we'll bring the dogs. So that we can dress them up because that sounds fucking priceless. Yeah. And amazing. Awesome.

Oh, my God. That is so funny. I gotta love to see it here. Yeah, lay it on me, babe. A bit more airport gear because we're all excited because we're traveling. Yep. Do you do a pillow on the plane? Because you're a plane sleeper.

Not traditionally, but I should. Like a travel pillow? Like the half circle one? You use your shoulder as a pillow? Yeah, babe. For 16 hours? I swiped that, babe, twice in like 30 seconds. 16 hours we're going to be sitting next to each other on a plane. How many times can you finger me in that time?

Well, it depends. It could be once for 16 hours oh that sounds so awful yeah it really does it really does but you know what i meant like yeah why'd you ask me that um why'd i answer that way you said it i don't think i said anything i don't feel very i feel bad i feel. I asked you about a travel pillow and then you're like, plane, fingering. They go together. No, you brought up fingering. It's come up before. Check the tape. You brought up fingering.

Check the tape. I doubt it. I flew my bestie in for her birthday. This is like an anonymous. Oh. Confessions galore today. It's not really a confession. They just haven't put their name to it But they should have because it's fucking genius

So she said Come to our place for the weekend flying My husband will pick you up from the airport Oh great So I think this person's a bit of a prankster And they said I'll give my husband a sign To hold up at the airport Oh yeah, I always make a sign when I pick people up from the airport

Can you read this one out? Okay, there's a very happy-looking man with a bunch of flowers holding a sign that says, Cat, I know it isn't mine, but I'll raise it as my own. I forgive your infidelity. Oh, my. And you imagine the look she would get in the airport. Everyone going.

And she rocks up and goes, oh, Peter. And she goes, oh, I just came to pick you up. I'm like. Don't. And people go, oh, do you need a hand? Because they go, you're pregnant. Are you okay? I'm expecting you and everything.

All right, sweetheart. Oh, well, we love a funny airport sign. You remember when my nephews picked me up from the airport and the aunt looked a bit like a... I see. Yeah. And it was said. So, you got to be careful with those airport signs.

My love to see it, really short and sweet, very cute. Taylor Vargo shared this into our Facebook group. Thanks, Taylor. He said, I'm a college professor, he says, and I had a student say I was the reason they started taking college seriously and started applying themselves. That's incredible. It is incredible. Sometimes, actually not sometimes, often it would just be like one teacher at the right

time in your life. Completely agree. And often the right subject. You get the right teacher in the right subject at the right time can change the whole thing. So, my high school teacher, Mr. Darling, was the economics teacher and i don't really like school at all but i liked his economics class and that's like why i went and did business and stuff at college because just because of him and you think about the shitty english teacher that you had who said to you that you'd never go anywhere yeah and well right because i can't talk or write

or speak so i mean hey mate and laughing while doing it and laughing while doing it look at that yeah i get paid to butcher words for a living. Literally. Tomorrow we're going to the US of A so that people can listen to us shit talk in person. Yeah. Take that. Sorry. Surely. Surely. But more about that person.

Well, that's it. And you just love to see that. I do love to see that. Thank you so much for sharing that. And thanks for caring enough about your job to want people to care about what you're teaching. To make a difference. Yeah. You love that. You love that you're teaching. To make a difference. Yeah. You love that.

You love that. All right. Thursday night in Dallas. Saturday night, Atlanta. Sunday, Louisville, Nashville, Indianapolis. Monday, we're in Chicago. Yeah. Holy shit.

How are you feeling? Tired. But ready. But ready. Tomorrow on the show, more tarpers have shared lies their mums have told. Oh, I'm so glad that we can all join forces together. Maybe they all know the animals that are on their favourite cutlery. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Nice little change up. Just keeping it real. But we're back tomorrow and we can't wait. Chat to you then. Love you. Bye. Just keeping it real But we're back tomorrow And we can't wait Chat to you then Love you bye