Toni and Ryan - The Wrong Toy

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

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Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Tony, we're about to call Caitlin Clark town. Caitlin Clark town. Do you know where that is? No. Iowa, baby. Oh, Iowa. Well, it's technically now Indiana, but she's always Iowa to me. Oh.

This is Lindsay. Caitlin Clark. Oh, Lindsay. Yeah. Who we met in Indianapolis. Lindsay. What? Really? Hello. How are you, Lindsay?

It's Tony and Ryan from the podcast. Oh, how are you guys? I'm so excited. We're very well. Lindsay, did we meet you in Indianapolis? No, that would be a different Lindsay. I'm in Iowa. Shame.

I just said that as well. No, I knew that you'd said that, but then I was like, I know that there was someone that had come. No, see, this is where you got mixed up. Caitlin Clark used to play for Iowa, which is where Lindsay is, and now she plays for Indianapolis. And so that's why you're all messed up. That's why I messed up because I was like, Caitlin Clark, Lindsay.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry, Lindsay. It's okay. Iowa gets that a lot. We get mixed up with Indiana, Ohio, and Idaho, so we're used to it. Oh, it's the three I's, of course. Yeah. Lindsay, can you tell Tony what you do for a living? Because I've just read it and I am shooketh. So I

am an ocularist. I make prosthetic eyes for people. Cool! That is fucking sick. Is it just like a billiard ball but you paint it no um it's all they're all custom fit to each person so it takes usually two days to do and so it's all custom fit to them and it's all custom painted i hand paint them all so yeah it's pretty it's all individualized it's pretty cool that is incredible that's really interesting do you ever take a couple home like leave them around the house like just to freak people out your ring doorbell is inside one of those eyes put them

in painting but people get very weird about eyeballs so So try not to have them just laying around. They get a little bit squeamish about it. Yeah, that's fair. That is fair, but a real upset to you. I think they're great art. And what you produce is wonderful. It's the best I've ever seen. Well, sorry, Lindsay.

Lindsay, will you approve today's episode? Of course. It's all I've ever wanted. That's the nicest one we've ever had, I think. And all the people are like, fuck yeah! Hey, this is Lindsay from Iowa and I approve this podcast. Alright, for those who have been playing along at home watching Tony's stories, they may have noticed a few more tattoos than normal over the last few weeks.

Is that fair to say? Yeah, yeah, fair to say. Bit of a build going on? Bit of a what? A build. What's a build? Where you're building up to a leg or a leg or a... Yeah, okay.

You're chipping away at it. I've never heard that before. Because no one's ever said it because people are smarter than that. No, that was cool though. You sounded like you really knew what you were doing. That's my thing. Sounding like I know what I'm doing. But you sound a lot cooler than I did in the tattoo shop the other day.

Because tattoo people are cool. Tattoo people are cool. I'm trying really hard. Yeah. How's it going for you? All right, we'll get to that. Our'm trying really hard. Yeah. How's it going for you? We'll get to that. Our first piece of top confessions. Top Tony and Ryan podcast-ers.

Confessions, C-O-N-N. You can submit your anonymous confession at TonyAndRyan.com. Oh, he said C-O-N-N. Nice. Sorry. All right. Which confession would you like first? Give me the disgusting one first.

Don't know if that's an option, but I'm sure it is. You're like, we're over two here. Actual doggy style. Is this person's name? You and I have done actual doggy style. Our dogs have played together. What's that movie where it's like, it's not that I'm saying you're a dog It's just the style

It's on Knocked Up Yeah And he says What about doggy style And she goes I do not want you to fuck me like a dog He's like We don't have to go outside or anything

It's just the style It's just the style You're not a dog Tubbs and I Joke about that all the time Yeah Oh my So

How does it come up in conversation What's the confession I got done doggy style How does it come up in conversation? What's the confession? I got done doggy style, but it was more doggy than we could ever imagine. I met this guy online and after spending the day together, we get back to mine where things got hot and heavy and I ended up in the doggy position. Great. Hot and heavy and I ended up in the doggy position. Great. Hot and heavy.

Panting like a dog. It soon became much more doggy than either of us planned. I felt something behind me and I got excited because I realised he was using a toy. Oh, sure. Though I then realised that we were at my house and I certainly didn't have anything like that. So I assumed he brought it with him.

Kind of a power move. Imagine if you met someone at a pub or something. First date they were. Yeah. And you go, oh, well, I want this to be more enjoyable for you. So with your consent, I'd like to use it. And you go, okay. Yeah.

Or just getting dressed and being like, yep, jacket on, going on a first date, keys, wallet. Clit sucker. Great. Yeah. Yeah. Very presumptuous. Sorry, really niche example that I have.

But they're all niche examples, I guess, when we're talking about first dates. So I, yeah. So she's going, that is a bold move. Yeah. Yeah. You've brought this into my home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've brought this into my home. Yeah.

And didn't ask as well. You'd be a bit like, that's all good, but like ask me first. Just kidding. All good if I, yeah, okay. Be like, oh, like how would you feel about this? Yeah. So she's like, okay, it's a tour. Okay, we're at my house. Okay, you must have, like, I'm not hating this.

But you're like calculating starting to do the math yeah so i decided to you know have a gander at what was going on and i go oh what have you got there that feels really good and he goes oh i assume it was yours it was just sitting on the table there i didn't bring it with me that would be a bit of a power move she's like that's what i thought and he's doing that he, what would I have done? Got my phone, my keys, my wallet, my clit sucker. I then realised he'd been putting my dog's silicon chewy stick into my puss.

Oh! Oh! Oh, they're often like liver flavoured as well. What would be now? I regret saying that. I regret a lot of things about this story actually she goes she says it seems gross when you think about it

but I didn't hate it and we've been together for three years fuck me sorry Fuck me. Sorry, what confession did you want me to say first? The fucked one is what I said. The grossest one, I believe, is what I asked for. That. Do you know what's fucked about that? Yeah, okay.

Yeah, what part? What one thing about that story is a bit off? Okay. You know how sometimes we get confessions and we go, that's pretty cooked, but like a bit of a liberty has been taken in the storytelling? Yeah. That happened.

You can 100% tell that that is a true story. Yeah. Now, I think they're both, it seems pretty like, even though they didn't know what was happening, they're both kind of open and it feels good, like no judgment, all good. Totally. Tony Lodge. A little bit of judgment, though, that it was a dog's liver toy, but yes.

Tony Lodge. Yes. Audio queen. Yeah. No. No, not the whole thing. I just want to hear the sound. So she's gone, oh, did you bring the sound so she's gone

oh did you bring that and he's gone no is it it was yours and she goes but I don't have one and then she turns around

and sees it I just want that initial her reaction to seeing what had been placed inside her no she's in the action in the action

she's not hating what she's feeling she kind of likes this guy it turns out they've been together, so they're obviously a match. Oh. Surely. You'd laugh. You'd start laughing.

Yeah. Surely you'd go. Had the dog chewed on the stick? That's what I want to know. See, and they get a bit rough around the edges after the dog's, like, chewed on them. Oh, the thing. Yeah.

The toys. Yeah. Ah. It would hurt, I reckon, a little bit. Maybe it was a freshie. You'd hope so. Yeah. And maybe then it got thrown in the bin.

You'd also hope that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, I mean, one person we haven't thought of till this point is little Jojo the dog. Yeah, who goes, ah. There's a bit, ah, ah. No, no, no, no. I'm not even going to. Fish and liver.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, all good. We won't do it. Someone else has slobbered on this bone. Hey, I hate cats. Because dogs don't like cats. Yeah. Yeah. And you call it a pussy.

Yeah. We were all here when you said it. Yeah. You did a really good job picking the gross one. This one I'm actually all about. This next one. A dog found a sex toy. That's been one big

mix up. Literally. The dog is sitting there with a vibrator. The dog's like, roll, roll. It happened again. If the dildo's here, where's my chewy silicon stick? Hang on, if she's got the dog toy And the dog is a real cartoon scenario Anonymous

Anonymous says, my husband thinks I've been going to the gym once a week But I've been lying to him Oh no I used been going to the gym once a week, but I've been lying to him. Oh, no. I used to go to the gym, but one day I skipped class, bought Maccas and sat in my car for an hour. So, hashtag self-care. Yep.

Yeah. From that day on, once a week, I leave my partner and three kids at home while I go to the gym, which is actually just me sitting in my car at the beach, eating food, mindlessly scrolling on my phone while listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast, interruption free. Fucking write that. Fucking write that. It's actually cheaper than gym class, which I've stopped paying for. See, that's what I was going to ask. If you're still paying for the gym, then you're only fucking yourself with a dog toy.

Yeah. It is cheaper than the gym class and whilst maybe not be better physically, I do believe my mental health, it is really beneficial. Could not agree more. I will also add my partner dishes up an extra dinner for me knowing I'll be hungry after my workout and I don't feel bad about eating it. Two dinners. That's good.

Yeah. That's an ultimate life hack. Yeah. I love that. Same. I know that you said you're about this. Same. I think as well, fucking parents, hats the fuck off.

Thank you. I could not do it. Literally, that's why I don't have kids because I couldn't. It's too hard. But that is amazing. And also. Take a break when you can get it. It's kind of like a bit of a victimless crime, I feel.

Yeah. Like. Well, except the gym owner's out of business. Oh, my me. He'll survive. There'll be someone else that's paying that's not going. Yeah. You know, it's me.

We go to the same gym. Hey, this is Lindsay from Iowa. and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas, who hopefully joined us on Sunday night when we did a little... A little live stream? A little self-care live stream. Hey, feel enough of that. Self-care.

Self-care. So maybe next time we should do a live stream from the car with the Maccas. Maybe we should do it from the pizza place next to your Pilates studio. You could meet me after Pilates. Skip the middle, man. Just go straight to the pizza. Yeah.

Fair, fair, fair. Hey, I was letting you off the hook. I was like, I'll go. You don't have to go. I'll let you off the hook too, mate. Thanks, mate. Maximilian Linker. Good on you, Maximilian.

Paul Henry Basilio. Simone Humphrey. Paloma Alassaf. And Rodney and Evan Stickles Palmer. Ah. Thank you very much. Yeah, we're back to the beginning. Yeah, great.

Yeah. Thank you very much for being part of the Patreon. You absolutely love to see it. I do love to the beginning. Yeah, great. Yeah. Thank you very much for being part of the Patreon. You absolutely love to see it. You really do love to see it. Ryan, I'm about to ask you a very, very serious question. Yep. Pretend we're on the chase right now. Ooh.

Yeah. So, like, you can imagine. That was Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Yeah, it was. But that's okay. It's the same amount of seriousness, the same amount of high stakes. Yep. I'll go up against Parko because he always lets money slip.

What? Anytime someone wins the chase when I'm watching, they're playing against Parko. Oh, yeah, they never beat Anne, do they, the governess? No, fuck, yeah, no. I would love to have a wine with Anne. We just. I think she seems great.

I love her. I think she's the best. Let's tee it up. I love her. I think she's the best. Let's tee it up. I love her. Every time when I'm watching and they, like, bring out the chaser, I'm like, please be Anne. And sometimes it isn't. Yeah.

That's really disappointing. It's as if there's four or five of them that rotate through. And it's like, you know that they obviously, like, batch record them or whatever. Sorry, it's not live. Yeah. But, you know, they batch record them and so you'd be like, I really hope I'm filming on an and day.

Yeah. Do you know what? That's what I'd be held gutted. Or do they all turn up on the same day and then they do two each or something? Do you reckon? I don't know. I'll ask Larry next time I'm on the morning show.

Ask him. Yep. Ask him. All right, back to the seriousness because we're not here to fuck around. Okay, Brian. Okay. Back to the seriousness because we're not here to fuck around.

Okay, Brian. Okay. What is the best movie sequel ever made? And before you answer. What's the definition of best? Sorry, scrap that question from the record. No, no, no. Not that it's not a good question, but everybody would have a different definition. Think Tony.

We've talked about it recently. Oh, so hang on on it's not like according to the academy it's like according to tony no it's like pop culture i already know the answer but continue okay well you getting this right play the music again you getting this right yeah really hinges on the point of my story being funny okay so if you don't get this, we might as well go home. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay. Ryan, the music again.

What is the best movie sequel ever made? I know I don't know who wants to be a millionaire, but Eddie, lock in Shrek 2. Yes. Is that it? Yeah. You are my best friend. Yes, I am. 100%. Yes. Is that it? Yeah. Fucking yes. You are my best friend.

Yes, I am. Fuck yes. 100%. Yes. All right. Fuck yeah. Shrek 2. How much money did I win?

Nothing. But you'll get a laugh here, hopefully. Shit prize ever. Well, I mean, there's no real. What's behind us? I know we're skirting across all sorts of different shows. We've gone through lots of different shows. I'm thinking deal or no deal. Yeah. And they open the, gone through lots of different shows. I'm thinking Deal or No Deal.

Yeah. And they open the, it's fucking Meghan Markle and she opens the case. And it says fuck all on the inside. It goes, could get a laugh though. Yeah. I guess I'll. Maybe funny in future.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But clearly Shrek 2. Okay. So as you mentioned before. Yeah. I've been getting a few tattoos lately. I've started seeing this woman that sounds very romantic but i've started seeing this artist who i've followed on instagram

for a really long time miss quartz is her instagram but her name's courtney and i've um i started chatting with her on instagram and i've been and seen her three times and the thing about getting tattoos as you mentioned is that's quite intimidating because often like the tattoo shops, the people are really cool. And like I've been to tattoo shops before that you kind of go in and you're like embarrassed that you're there. Right. Like you just kind of feel like, oh, I don't have any tattoos yet. So I don't feel like I fit in.

Is that a tattoo shop thing or a Tony Lodge thing? Nah, it's a tattoo shop thing because I've talked to a few people about it. I even spoke to Courtney about it and I was like, you know when some shops are really intimidating? But this one is not like that. I'll tell you what else is not like that. The one in the Gable Hood in Dallas where we went with the tapas. They were lovely there.

They were great. They were awesome. And they loved that we were Australian. They got photos of us to put on their Instagram and stuff. It was awesome. But at the Grand Ill were Australian. They got photos of us to put on their Instagram and stuff. It was awesome. But at the Grand Illusion in Melbourne where I've been going, they are really cool but they're really welcoming and lovely. Right.

That's the first time I went in there. That's how I describe Tony, by the way. Very welcoming and lovely. That's really nice. Very cool but very welcoming. You think I'm cool? No, but I know that you like to hear that. That is true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all cool people say, am I cool? Yeah, the more you ask how cool you are, that doesn't help your coolness. Bad news. Anyway, but it's really welcoming. Everyone's really nice. And there's like you walk in there and there's like six tattoo artists,

six people getting tattooed. So like the guns are going, music's on. It's just like real vibey. It's really nice. And there's a few six people getting tattooed. So, like, the guns are going, music's on. It's just, like, real vibey. It's really nice. And there's a few other people getting tattooed and, like, everyone's chatting and, like, everyone's chatting to their own tattoo artist. But then also if someone kind of says something, people are like,

oh, no, blah. Yeah, so everyone's having a good time. It's kind of open, like. It's kind of like the old school barber set up. Yeah, everyone's chatting. It's like just real chill and everyone's kind of like settling in because you're there for a few hours. So you kind of start chatting to everybody.

Anyway, someone brings up the thought of like what is the sexiest song? Was Kung Fu Fighting mentioned? No, unfortunately it wasn't boozy mentioned it wasn't i'm so sorry um everyone gets tipsy one two three four yeah one yeah it's a good song um but no so someone says like what do you think is the sexiest song and there's like music playing on shuffle betty young gravy mentioned no no it wasn't and you definitely shouldn't go there because you're falling into the same trap that i did okay so a few people from around the room start kind of chiming in um and we're all kind of chatting and having a bit of a laugh and whatever and i'm sitting there and i'm in fucking agony by the way um and because

you know you're getting tattooed very fun uh and And then on shuffle, at random, Liv and LaVita, Loka starts playing. Ooh. She's into superstitions. You know, like, everyone knows the song. Someone goes, oh, well, actually, like, this is the sexiest song ever. And everyone laughs. Why are they laughing?

And then, well, because, like, obviously, like, well. No, why are they laughing? It's obviously the best. What a young. Yeah, because obviously it's great. And I chime in and I say, oh, yeah, but it has to be the version from the end of Shrek 2. The room goes silent.

I can feel it now. I can feel it days later. The tattoo guns turn off. Everyone stops talking and it's like a record scratch. And someone goes, oh, I haven't seen it. What? What? What?

What? I heard on the Chase, who wants to be the Chase millionaire deal or no deal last night. Yeah, Meghan Markle was there. That it's the number one sequel of all time. And it's quiet. And I assume they're like all joking. Don't know why I would assume that.

And I start laughing and I'm like, you know when Puss and Donkey do Liv and LaVita Loka at the end of Shrek 2. I've never heard something sound more like a euphemism. And I look around. Nothing. Fucking nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

And I've like backed in in this room of really cool people about like liking Shrek 2 and that Eddie Murphy singing Live and Love, Eat, I Love You is the best version. As a donkey. As a donkey, yeah, and Puss in Boots is also there. And then I look around again and I'm like, no, I actually won't cop that. And I said, it's the best sequel ever made.

And I'm like, I don't care if you think I'm cool or not. Shrek 2 is fucking awesome. I'll stop you right there. You do care if I think you're cool or not. No, no, no. In this moment, I'm like, I'm not going to let you tell me that I'm wrong. You're wrong.

And that's the Tony I love. And I went, it's the best sequel ever made. Turned back around and she keeps tattooing me. So, like, I looked cool. Did you? And then they all go, what do you think the best sequel ever made is? And they all start naming these like art house films. And they start naming all these movies that isn't Shrek 2.

I actually started and ended that conversation with my one statement. That was over. Next question. Not open for discussion. Yeah, so when Larry says on The Chase, what's the best sequel? And you go Shrek 2.

He doesn't go, correct, but anyone else want to just throw some names out? Yeah. No, the clock is ticking. There's money on the line. We've moved on. And I just could not, because that's like a huge like pop culture thing of like, oh, Shrek 2 is the best.

The Grand Illusion. Fuck those guys. No, no, no, no, no. And that's why I've always said if you want to get a tattoo in Melbourne, I would recommend literally every single place except the Grand Illusion in Melbourne. Are they on Glenferry Road? Nope.

I wouldn't go to Glenferry Road in Melbourne if I wanted a tattoo. No. And I've always said that. But I just, I missed the mark. I really missed it. No, they missed it. And then I was like, oh, you know what? Don't people tattoo like, I would have thought Shrek is something

a tattoo artist would have at one stage added to a piece of tattoo or included in a sleeve. But I guess you don't have to have seen it to like tattoo on it. Yeah, but you still know it exists. And if someone came in and wanted it, you'd go, well, obviously this means something to someone. I just can't believe there's people in the world that haven't fucking seen Shrek 2.

That is the real depraved bullshit that's going on. What was the name of that place again? I'm not saying. I've already said. Fuck those guys. No, but they're so nice. They're wrong, you're right. No, they're the best.

You can be nice and a fuckhead at the same time. No, they're the best. But I just could not believe fuckhead at the same time. No, they're the best. But I just could not believe that there was a room full of people that hadn't seen Shrek 2. Isn't that just uncouth? What were they saying? I can't even remember. I just was thinking like, she's into superstitions.

I'm singing it to myself. Did you know, I think it's this year. It's already happened. Oh. Yeah, celebrated its 20th anniversary. Don't you think that came out four years ago, though? Yeah. Early May it was.

That it came out? Yeah, I wrote it down. Yeah. Strict two. Four years ago? Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah. Not 20 years.

Because it still fucking holds up. It's a great fucking sequel. I couldn't agree more. In fact. Do you know what? I might, the next tattoo I go and get, maybe I'll get a little donkey and pussy and boots moment just to really solidify. Yeah.

Will you like other people on the same rotation? So when you go back in for your next one there or get in for their next one? Maybe. They go, oh, is that that girl that loves Shrek too? You rock up dressed as donkey? I've got the ogre hat on. I just could not believe that there was a room full of people that not only were like Shrek is shit but were like,

no, I haven't seen it. What a just heartbreaking, you know, you just think about their home life. Have you seen The Lion King? Someone messaged me the other day. I can't believe people haven't seen it. So I never watched it as a kid, but then apparently we watched it for when we did movies back in the day. Oh, okay.

Because I said the other day I hadn't seen it. Someone said, yes, you watched it for the thing. And I was like, oh, well, it was obviously really good. I don't remember. But I, you know what I mean. Oh, fuck, it is the same, isn't it? But Shrek 2. I haven't seen Jurassic Park.

It's Shrek fucking 2. That's really upsetting because Jurassic Park is awesome. But Shrek fucking 2. Shrek fucking 2. Yeah, nah, yep. Unbelievable. I've got something that might turn you around. You can fucking turn me around.

Yeah, and it's me. I really love to see you here from Jessica. Hi, Jess. I actually think this will turn your day around. Okay. It better be good. Jess is a university student and she's doing a subject called Multimedia and Story Worlds within her degree.

Wow. That sounds very fancy. I chose to do my assignment and essay on the Tony and Ryan podcast and I got a high distinction. Should have done it on Shrek 2. Big movie. People love it. I had to write about how you use each of your mediums, podcast, Facebook,

Patreon, et cetera, to their specific capabilities while inviting the audience to engage and participate in the story world you've created through episode approval sharing stories etc my teacher commented the topic was original and creative thank you for being a source of laughs when i needed it most and for utilizing multiple mediums with excellent medium specificity so i could use you as a reference for my assignment. Ha ha ha. You fucking love to say it. Now, I don't understand a word of what she's just said. I could tell you couldn't understand it as you were saying it. Yeah.

Just because you like moved through it really quickly and I was like, oh, this is going over everyone's head. We could put that on our LinkedIn. That sounded really switched off. But she got a seven out of ten. That's no? Sophie's got some information no I think a 7 at uni

in Queensland this is really confusing is the top mark and that's why I'll never ever hire someone from Queensland because what a fucking dumb thing that is Sophie I'm so sorry I've got some bad news their VCE scores are backwards as well, Queensland.

Yeah, that's a HD, high distinction, top mark. A 7. What a weird fucking number to be at. Well, I thought 7 out of 10, that's not great, but a high distinction. Excuse me, as someone who's getting 7 out of 10s their whole life, I won't be poo-pooing a 7 out of 10. Sorry, I'm just...

Well, in real subjects, there's not like a charity where they just give them away like stuff for you. Fuck, okay. How about Shrek 2, though? It's a great film. I've got a love to see here from Britt, who posted this, sent this through to our website and just said, postman left a package without a signature. Love to see that.

Oh, Tony will come around and sign it for you. She said, might be illegal, but I don't care. I got my package. Didn't have to go to the post office. That is good. Love that, Britt. Good on you. I don't get when they're always like, oh, if we're not home,

we'll leave it in a safe space. Please, just do it. Feel free. And they go, do you want us to leave it? And I go, yeah, that'd be great. And they go, yeah, cool. It's at the post office. And I go, why the fuck did you ask me if I could leave it?

Yeah, why ask the question? Yeah. Yeah, they obviously hand the degrees out at post officer school as well. Sounds like it. Good for you, Brit. Glad you got your package. What marks did you get when you were at WAPA? Don't know.

11s out of 10. Yep. Yep. Tomorrow, I want to talk about food at a wedding. Oh, good. And there's obviously a bit to unpack there, but someone has done something that is either genius move living in the year 3000 or the most rudest and offensive thing you can do to the bride and

groom oh yeah and we will all decide together as a team as a united front which we think it is okay food at a wedding you know when you get the alternate trap and it's like chicken or beef chicken or beef and you have to like negotiate with the person next year you go oh this chicken's lovely i'd love your beef it's so good do you want this person next to you and you go, oh, this chicken's lovely. I'd love your beef. It's so good. Do you want it? I'd give this chicken up for you if you want it. It's so good. Do you want it?

Oh, someone got fish. Oh, lucky girl. Yeah. Yeah. Are they still doing the... I reckon they do, yeah. At like fancy like ballroom weddings. You know, when they have...

At Rach's wedding, there was like a every second... The alternate drop. Yeah. Oh, that's the official... That's what it's called. The alternate drop. I thought that was like a Fat Freddy's drop. Like...

No, no, that's what it's called. Yeah, so it's like every second person gets like a... Anyway, tomorrow, rudest or best, we'll find out. I love you. Love you, bye.