Toni and Ryan - Things You Can Say In a Resort And Also In The Bedroom

Episode Date: July 21, 2026

Toni Cheated - Naughty number plate - Old Person Logic - love ya!!!!!Sign up to Patreon Here - www.patreon.com/ToniandRyanFAQ and T&C's PODCASTAWAY - www.toniandryan.com.au/podcastawayVideo for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, I love it when you coconut inside me. Who wants to go motorboating? Did you want to come on a holiday? Or did you want to come in my hole every day? Hi, this is Michaela in Portland, Oregon. Hi, I'm Nick from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Hi, I'm Amy in Jindemine Australia. And I approve this podcast.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcasts. Hi. We've got to Mold Person Logger. on the way. Yeah, and I didn't realize that this was going to work in so well, but I've got maybe some other old person logic just before yours. Okay. This story went viral like the bit last week,

and I hardly just say it's a little bit old, but I peers, I thought it was so funny. This woman in Florida, she's 77. It's already a winner. I know, I know. She's gone viral because she got sent a new license plate for her car. Yeah. And she thinks it's a little bit risque.

number five is SQZ A55 and it looks like it says squeeze up and for the fact that's got those oranges in the middle that just look like they want to be a squeeze. Dang, girl. So this woman, she's on the news, right? And she's like, oh, busy newsday blow it up. Well, it's international. They played it on fucking the morning show.

Oh my God. I know. And they'll take anyone. They take us. um thanks john and she's on there and she goes i just don't think it's appropriate for a 77 year old woman living in aged care to have a car plate like that and she's like so genuinely worried about it people would pay for that there is no age limit to the niceties that is getting your ass squeezed sometimes you just need a little pump up in the morning i love it yeah if tors and i've said this before if torbs walks past me and doesn't squeeze my ass i'm like are you mad at me

Yeah. Do I cheat? I knew my dream. Yeah. What happened? I cheated actually on Torbs in my dream the other day. Who with? No.

Go on. No, my friend Alex in Perth. Yeah. And I said to Torbs like, I'm so sorry, but I slept with someone else in my dream last night. Did you leave a pause up? I did. I thought it would be funnier. And then he was like, who was it with?

And I got, I don't want to say. And he was like, who was it? Like his mate Alex? No, my friend Alex. That's very different. He doesn't have a friend, Alex. Who was the guy I've met? Adam.

Yeah, no, no, no. No, no. Was it? I was like, oh, no, that's sicken me. Nah, and he would do the same rules about me. Okay. Well, they both started with A and similar to Dr. Daycare, Dr. Doolittle. Let's not fuck.

You know, Dolly Parton, better watch out. Yeah. Anyway, no, I said it was Alex. One of my best friends, Alex. And he goes, he goes, oh, okay. And I was like, who did you think it was when I said I do want to say? And he goes, Charles. like straight up

wow and I went and he went hey Charles you would do the same about me but no it was so funny though and he's like he's I was just like who did you think

Charles how is yours and towards relationship Charles I like to think it's good I think it's excellent now when I say you've got a lot in common is it more about the fact you're both tech guys or more about the fact you slam and the same piece of ass what's like the common ground there you know

I mean a bit of both isn't it the only times he's text to me is about text off not about the other not about the other thing interesting anyway squeeze ass in Florida I just thought that their fucking number plate sent me and I am not a fan of a personalized number player

I think they're crazy yeah but a one sent from God like that that you just get random assigned this crazy funny number plate is so funny to me. Which Australian city is Florida. Three, two, one. Gold Coast. Gold Coast. Yeah.

But they're not the same. I always think they're the same. They're not the same, are they? 20 minutes apart. I meant Gold Coast, but I always say Brisbane. Yeah. Where have I been? Both.

Sorry, I'm just a globe-trotting lady. Yeah, we spent a week on the Gold Coast earlier this year. That was this year. It was like four months ago. No, I don't think it was. Yeah, it was in February. And it's July. Was it last November?

No, you had a broken foot then. Six months ago. Do you know, almost a full year since I broke my foot? Isn't that crazy. That's crazy. Domain's that to renew. Oh, for Birx Byr, November. Are we re-doing that?

Oh, I don't think so. I think we might let that one go to the account and said that we've got to do less funny websites. Yeah. It turns out we got a lot What's the most random website we've got? Um, chomp or carnivore.com What is it?

Chumpa or carnival. What the fuck is that? It was also on the Gold Coast, we mentioned this about the ice cream and do you chomp or are you a carnivore? Slate. And we've made it once you had a poll. Skin the chocolate off or bite into it. And everyone was on my side.

And that's the beauty of buying domain names. And I had to categorize. that one. Yeah. Research. We've got some old person logic. Yeah, love it.

Tapa Adele has messaged through. I love the new episode. Always, this is what her grandma said. Always wear a singlet under your shirt to keep your kidneys warm. And I tell her that's what my skin, fat and muscles are for, but she hates it when us grandkids think they know better.

That is such a. keep your organs warm, keep your kidneys warm. Like, don't wear anything where your back is showing because your kidneys will get cold. My mum used to say, which it's obviously something her mum said. I didn't realize that that's why people wore singlets underneath. They've got to keep your organs warm. Well, I don't think that's strictly. I mean, staying warm.

I've been, because it's been so cold here recently, I've been doing a long sleeve under my short sleeve. How are your kidneys doll? Yeah, they're excellent. I'm pissing like a racehorse. Fuck, yeah. You can tell from this ponytail. I'm like a racehorse. But if everyone on YouTube could mention Tony's pony tail, she would appreciate it.

You don't have to. You don't have to. It's been a big morning. Oh, she's facing, okay. You don't have to talk about it. That's a nice, what do you call them? Broach. A clip? It's a banana clip, actually. Thanks for noticing. We did.

Well, I don't think it's strictly, yeah, for your organs just in general. Did everyone else just see what I just saw? Did everyone else see what I just saw? Was that my whole push? Can we check the tape? Charles, do it too hot for TV. We just saw a lot. Do you need to put something over the top of that?

No. That, okay, it's got a name. What is its name? What's Torbs call it? Oh, he doesn't call on anything. Like, we don't do that. Yeah, good. Do you have names for your penis?

No, neither. No. It seems like you do. No, I don't. It seems like you must do. No, because I'm also like, oh, who would do that? But I know that people do. If somebody was like, oh, I'm coming.

coming to visit Penny or something like, no fucking way. Why did you say Penny? I don't know. I don't know. Penny the penis is wet in my head where it went. No, slave, slave, say, slave. I'm going to send that to Penny who we work with. I love Penny.

You've had sex with Penny. It sounds like it. Different Penny. Different Penny. But, yeah, Charles, sorry if my pussy was out. Can you just put something over her? Yep. Like some pants or?

I'm wearing a beautiful dress. You are. Where are we up to, Oh, I don't think it's strictly just for keeping your organs warm. Some people say, I don't know if this is true or not, that if you were a singlet under a t-shirt, you sweat into the singlet and you don't get like pit stains on a t-shirt. But I don't know if that's true.

As a sweaty goral, I don't know if that works. What do you think about the line, but grandma hates it when the grandkids think they know better? Yeah, I mean, that's why people are still fucking voting no against shit. That doesn't make sense. You know what I mean? Like the old people, oh, well, back in my dad. Love, were your days over, slide, fucking move on.

The votes in 2026. Come on. We can all get married. I think it's fine. You know, and you're not going to get invited to the wedding anyway, Bab, so fucking tell it walking. On your bike, Dolores, we don't give a fuck. Keep those organ warms, you old slide.

You know they are. Cat Finlay. Hi, Kat. what her mom said. This is the worst thing I've ever read in my life. So Kat's mom messages her and goes, the printer's not working because the printer knows I shouldn't be printing this.

What? I mean, in fairness, that's something you would say. So Kat's like, well, what the fuck is she trying to print? She's like, oh, the printer won't allow this one. Oh, so she thinks that like, the printer's gone, oh, well, we can't allow that. We can't allow that. And so she's like, what the fuck are you trying to print? Oh my God. Her mom goes, I got a picture of Doctor Who

off the Google without paying for it. I reckon the printer knows I stole the image and won't print it. They would be an accomplice, I suppose. Turns out she was printing to PDF. That's a hard skill to teach someone. Yeah. That is crazy that that's what they were doing by accident. They were an accomplice. That is so

fucking funny. Oh, I've got it off the Google. I just right clicked and saved it. Fuck, it didn't even pay for that image. What are the legalities around that? Oh, we don't talk about it. It's like, yeah. It's not for commercial years, normal.

Well, that mum was obviously going to fucking gosh herself off to a picture of Doctor Who. But not for commercial noshing. No, no, no, no. Commercial. Amanda Robinson. Hi, Amanda. I hope it's not the one I know.

We've talked about a lot of Amanda's this. week. I feel like Amanda is like a recurring theme and name. That must mean something. Katie Richardson said us on the comments. He's a medium. I'm a large. Amanda Robbins. Are you about to pierce from the vagina that we can see? You can't see. You can't see. What did you call me? Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Whoa. Whoa. It's the, it's the, it's the, oh, there's nothing. You can't see a thing. It's the sit down. And you fucking would love it.

They need to be one more button down. See, it appears that there is a hole. I know we've all seen it. But there's no button on that side. No, you don't, you can't see anything.

You're just being a bunch of losers. Grow up, both of you. Amanda Robinson. Just because you're now seeing a real woman for the first time. From Berwick Senior Secondary College. So what was the name? Amanda.

Robinson. Robinson. my two aunts swore that if you ate a teaspoon of Vaseline with sugar, to help it go down, it would coat your insides and you won't get sick. Surely this is a massive no, but they've both lived to over 100 and both never got sick. So like, who's to say, you know? Whenever I hear stuff like that, I'm like, well, is there something in it? She's like, well, and big Vaseline don't want us to know.

I just don't think that eating Vaseline could be that good for you. It's called petroleum jelly. Yeah. That sounds like something we shouldn't be eating. It sounds like something we should be fingering our cars with. Yeah. Like it sounds like something. Oh, the engine's rubbing.

If you put some petroleum jelly on it. It sounds like something for a spark plug. And I don't know what a spark plug is. But do you know what I mean? Like that feels like one of those associated items. Because we're not good at cars. That's why we go and see the gang at Super Cheap Auto because they're the experts. Maybe I'll ask them about this eating vasselps.

Vaseline biz. Maybe that's why they've been in business so long. Because they're just eating the Vaseline. They don't want you to know. Would you do it to test it? No. The thing is that if you did it and you went, well, I didn't get sick, you might not have been about to get sick anyway.

Yeah. Though I do swear for Armour Force. I do. But I mean, that is medicine. So, it's not really the same. Like that, it's intended purpose. Can we just like put our tin hats on and get a bit of conspiracy adjacent for it? Yeah.

So there's this IBS medication that I've taken. Yeah. It's supposed to like, oh, it increases the fucking biodomes or helps your gut, blah, blah, blah. Biodomes? No, no. Microbiome? Yeah. Yeah.

I made the same word, but they're not. Yeah. Biodome sounded very conspiracy adjacent. What's that movie? The dome. Oh, that was a show. Is it called biodome? There's a movie called biodome.

It's a great film. How did you know that? And you didn't know Daddy Daycare yesterday. Yeah, biodome. It's the most, don't watch it not before four bongs. God, isn't, when was the last time you heard the word bong? Surprisingly recently, Paulie Shaw. Colin.

Stephen Boulwood. Rose McGillard? 4% on Robben. We're watching that next week. Everyone watched Biodome. I don't even think we're going to be able to find it. It's on Amazon price. Slate.

We're watching Biodome. Everyone watch Biodome. I love it. I can't wait. Finally, have a cool. Hi, Heather. What was the, no, no, no, no, no, what was the conspiracy adjacent thing? The vat.

Oh. The microbiome. The microbiomes. So I spoke to a dietitian. Yeah, because she's just taught out your business. And I go, I take this stuff like, what, you know, you're an expert. Is that going to help? And she goes, I can tell you that the research has proven that it's not going to make anything work.

but there's actually no research to suggest it's going to make anything better. So she's like, so... If you enjoy taking it. I bet you's like, maybe it does make it better, but we just haven't found out yet, but we haven't found out yet.

Is that a diplomatic way of saying like, no? Well, because they were very like science research heavy and they're like, the world's always, like we're always learning new things and we're doing stuff. And it's like, she's like, I can see why it makes sense, but just on tests it hasn't proven to do anything.

Do you feel like it makes a difference to you? Or is it even the like... The placebo. Yeah. I was about to say pseudoerpidrine, but I meant placebo. It's the pseudoepidrine. I have enough of that and you can feel anything. Or nothing as it were.

Sorry, I'm looking mad after this. That's why it's on my mind. Finally, Heather Cool. Hi, Heather Cool. Who's single, by the way? I can tell. And her grandma... All name like that.

Don't get locked down. And her grandma with her old person logic went, If you just went to the community dance hall, I'm sure you'd find a great man. That's good advice. Where is the community dance hall? What even would that be? Where are the great men? Send me to a community dance hall.

I want to meet these great guys. I'll find it. Where would you go? To find a man in this town. Charles, where do you hang out? Charles, let us know where you hang out. Oh, it turns out the local community. Hall is the nightclub in Bali.

Who knew? Right. Charles just gives you the dress out. He's like, I'll be at. Hi, I'm Nick from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Hi, this is Michaela in Portland, Oregon. Hi, I'm ready to show. You're listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapers over at our Patreon. on. Rachel Preeto Life, Eiff, maybe, Preeto Eif. Sarah, Leigh, good on you, Sarah, I'll lay you. Vanessa Vermillion. Sanders Saloo. One in Vermillion. Na, nah, nah, nah.

Vanessa Vermilion. Tell me. Do, do, do, do. Michael Sneddon, good on you, Michael. Fib, thanks, Fib. Chris P, Natalie Sanford, and A.M.P. Liffeed, 89. Is that crispy bacon?

AMP Lofide. Amplified. Oh, Amplified. Oh my God. I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. Oh, I'm sick. I'm sick right now. We know. Amplify. What did you say? AMP-lified.

In my defence, if you will indulge me, the AMP is capital. And one of Australia's grey is superannuation. Oh, don't lash out. I am. What does A&P do? Finance, super insurance. Yeah, see, it is capital and that's confusing. Great year to be born, though.

Same as Torbs and Tells Swift. Hey all. One of the greats. And Sophie Woods. Showed up. Over on our Patreon at the moment, we are running a little competition. Sorry, it sounded. It's amazing.

Pettition. Yeah. Well, there is a petition. Did you see Tony's on the episode today? Yeah. Petition to see more. No, petition to see less. But we're running a little podcast away thing.

Yep. We want to take people to Fiji with us. Yep. We have so far picked seven tarpers and their plus ones that are coming with us on a beautiful family holiday to Fiji. Wherever you are in the world, we're flying you from your house to Fiji and back. Yep. Hotel is paid for.

The buffet breakfast is included. We've got a private island for us and all the other people on the island for a day to go boating and have fun and record an episode on the island and there is one spot remaining. One. So on the 31st of July, this all cuts off. This is your last chance.

This is the last round. We'd love to have you in Fiji with us, but to do that, you need to join the Tony and Ryan Patreon and be a champion Tapa and enter by saying in 25 words or less, why you need a brain break. Is that right?

Yeah. Fuck I've nailed that. You kept going and I was like, do you need me? No, take the day off. Slop. Yeah. I'm not even coming to phoge anymore.

Shout out, ARPERS. So at the link in our bio, there is, like, on Instagram. Biodome? Yeah, at the link in our biodom, there's, like, all the teas and seas. I know, boring logical stuff, logistics chart, legal shit. But it has the dates that we're flying and all the information that you might need. And, you know, we just have to legally tell you that. But we really want as many people to enter as possible.

because we want you to come with us. It's going to be so fun. Charles will be there. The whole crew's coming. We're going to have such a great fucking time. Mabel is keen and... Mabel's very excited. We are doing extra swimming lessons in term three

and I reckon she's going to be primed ready for that pool. And I said, what's the only thing, Mamu, that's going to stop you swimming in that pool? And she said if Lily spikes of volleyball and went to my face like she did last time, I was in Fiji. Okay, Lily has asked specifically that you stopped bringing that up. Oh, has you? Have you brought that?

Many times. Sorry. It was on her. guest book for Taubrapped as well. Redacted. Was it? Okay, redact that. I think you knew. I didn't. I think, oh, she has said it a few times. But.

Redacted, Lily. But we are really excited. It's going to be a great. And Fiji is beautiful. The people are amazing. The food is wonderful. Like, it really is going to be a once in a lifetime kind of thing. Yeah. We would love to have it. That's going to be so much fun. So please sign up. But in celebration of us going to Fiji, we thought that we could do a little things you can say in the bedroom and also at the Fiji resort which is not named fully racist. Things you can say on tropical holiday and also in the bedroom.

Oh, I love it when you coconut inside me. That's true. Holy moly. Wow. You like that? Wait till you see the rest big boy. Sorry. I think I need to break.

My skin's going red. Sorry everyone. This is like maybe if you were at the buffet or maybe also not. Oh, I cannot fit another thing inside me. Charles, you have to get that away from me. I've heard it's all you can eat. Oh, touch me on the vagina. Who wants to go motorboating?

But who do you? Do you want to come on the jet skis with us? Yes, I haven't been. Yeah, yeah. I'm going on a fucking jet ski Yeah and what I learned is that when If you don't want to do the intro course You just say I know how to do it

Yeah And they won't know Because then when you don't know where to put the key They go is, are you sure you've done this before sir I jet skied 30 centimetres And the guy goes to Charles He's never done this day And Charles goes no

That is so funny Straight up Charles is the jet ski guy A hundred metres ahead of him Yeah someone can't do Why is a friend back they're going really slow Good, good, good Good

That's one Oh, this is if there's some rain, some not good weather. Oh, it's wetter than my pussy out there. It's going to say it doesn't rain much, but when you and you were in the tropical cyclone. Spending a week in Fiji, who knew you could spend that long being wet? Look at me in the eye when you say it. Do you know your dick's favourite tree? A palm.

Summer of the hand job. facts that's really clever I was really proud of that thank you so much Tony didn't come last time and I still feel bad about it I'm glad you feel bad about that yeah I didn't come no I'm gonna come this time you came down those stairs yeah I was into footstuff last year so could I please get some service in my room yeah you can and I've been waiting for you to ask They change the sheets every day So you can come anywhere you want Did you want to come on a holiday

Or did you want to come in my hole every day The answer is both So join our paper The best money you ever spent I was really proud of that one That's really good Would you like me to Spart job

For us to Oh That's not Not one. Here's something you can say on holiday and also in the bedroom. Did everyone else hear that on the listening? That's funny. That's funny.

If you don't think they are, then grow up. Yeah. Would you like me to give you the tip? Charles doesn't tip. As you know. That's not what the girls in Bali said. Could you rub this all over my face? Yeah.

Charles. Okay. I look forward to touching your feed G-spot. Get those coconut away from my face I got it I love to see you from Natalie Wend Is yours quite sweet

Because mine's just funny Okay Do you want a sweet one I think you should go first Just to break it up a little bit Okay I'll do the nicer one Okay This is from Natalie Wend

I will do it now Natalie I've got a new job And I'm changing sectors And I'm really excited Fuck yeah I worked in childcare My whole career

but now that she's got her own kid she's like it was a lot. Fuck, yeah. And you just seen a bit of a break-a. Taking care of kids all day. And it was pretty stressful. And I know there's a lot of people in those daycare centers and stuff and whatever. Sorry, we were just listening to that song, Taking Care of Business before. And you just said taking care of kids.

I was like, taking care of kids. Yeah. Every day. She worked at Daddy Daycare. She's Gretchen Myers. Weeners. Who's Gretchen Myers? I don't know.

But you said it so confidently. So confidently. After a few low weeks, I took the plunge and I've landed a role in aged care. Because she really likes taking care of people. Yeah. And taking care of kidsness. Yeah. That is different pace, though.

Yeah. So this is something I've never thought of. So she's like, I used to be about teaching skills and bringing the skills up. And now my job is maintaining skills. So it's sort of like, it's just that. other end of the curve. Yeah. But she's like, you'd be surprised.

And you think about it, you go, yeah, you're just taking care of people and keeping everyone happy. And getting to chat and, you know, helping people out. And if that's, so she's really pumped about a new role, feeling good, feeling very fulfilled. It turns out she's looking after this lovely old lady who when Natalie was a baby was her childcare worker. Get fucked. Yeah.

So this lady was like, when you were a little, little tacker, I took care of you. And she's like, I feel like it's a full circle moment. And I'm repaying the favour because this bitch was good. me back in the day. Isn't that just beautiful? She cared for me from five weeks old right through to primary school. So now you can do your funny one. That is the most beautiful.

I can't believe we just talked about getting calmed in and then that. Yeah. And shout out to the ladies that are the aged care facility. That is so beautiful. What are the like that is crazy. That is crazy. What a beautiful story. Oh my God.

Okay. Okay. You go now. Yeah. So mine is a little post from like a DIY budget Facebook group. Sure. So some. Someone has posted, like, you know, when you're in those Facebook groups,

see people like looking for inspo, like, what did you guys do? Like, what did you do for your kitchen? Someone has posted in this Facebook group being like, can I see people's stares, please? And someone comment. Fuck me. Simone Chaplin. Simone is commenting. And she's staring.

The most aggressive stare. We just say to death stare. I saw this. and pissed out of the vagina that everyone's already seeing today. I literally thought it was so fucking funny. DIY on a budget. Yeah. Oh my God.

Can I see pictures of people's stares? And then just like full hoof, that full stare. I am like, I think it's so funny. So that was my love, sir. That is actually incredible. I love that. Look at that. It's just so, such a spooky stare.

It's so good. She's fucking now that. Normal or nah tomorrow. And thank you for everyone who's put their normal an a nars in the Facebook group thread or sent them through at tony and ryan.com. You're really anxious about that saying you put some way. Nah, I was going to put my leg up and then I was like, oh. No, probably not today. Not in those pants or their lack of.

Anything else you'd like to say? Normal or nah. In my jeans. Tomorrow, two pairs of pants. I wear this dress all the time. We know. Love you. Bye.