Toni and Ryan - This Facebook Group Is A Death Trap | Most Replayed

Episode Date: February 7, 2026

Fallen behind on TARP and need a fast-track to catch up?!? Here’s the bessssst bits from the month! Video for this EP is available on YOUTUBECheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This one that Amy's part of is called Death Stairs and it's a Facebook group and they just post hell dicey stairs from around the world. First of all, Death Stairs is a great pun that is been underused. Wait, why is it a pun? What's it a pun of? Are you fucking with me right now? Are you joking? No, I'm actually, no, what's it a pun of?

What am I giving you? right now. You're fucking in me. I swear on my fucking life. I don't get it. If you were getting fucked off with me, how would I know? Because I'll fucking tell you. No, but your face is telling me now because it is giving me out. Yeah, because I'm fucking pissed off now because I don't fucking get it. Yeah, but what are you doing to me?

Like giving you a face? Yeah, but what specific face are you giving me? How do you describe the face you're giving that wants to kill me? Are you joking? Are you joking me? I have been dumped and as an angry X, dumpy, I do have a costume change I would like to make if you would. I actually don't know what this is. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. A costume change? You joking? Got a costume change. Oh, it's in the drawers. She's putting. Oh, there's running mascara.

Yeah. Okay. So usually you'd just actually cry and it would run on its own. that looks so good oh no again I do have to put my glasses back on yeah

it looks good though thank you so much do you want to put the makeup bag away no it's good did you still that from a Qantas flight yeah I think so I walked past business because I went out

I'll tell you that I've been dumped via email what I know okay so since this has happened And I've done a lot of research into the stages of grief.

Mm. Didn't Google that 13 years ago? It's very funny because my mom is dead. Thanks for bringing that up during my trying time. No, I just knew that like you've, yeah, shut up and fuck up. So I received this email from our cleaner. Oh. No, is it?

Yeah, I already know why. Go on. The subject line, thank you. Fuck off. Hey Tony, we're hoping you're having a lovely week. Smiley pass. Well, I was. All right.

Thank you so much for choosing us to clean your home. Unfortunately, due to changes to our schedule and capacity, we won't be able to keep cleaning for you. We really appreciate you supporting our little business. And if you'd like, we're happy to suggest a few services similar to ours. Do they use the words future endeavors? Because wouldn't that just be cold as ice? They say the first stage of grief is denial.

What's that river got to do with this? That's very funny. What's that don't you song got to do with this? Thanks, Charles. And I was like, that's not right. What? What are you talking about?

It took you so long to find them. I know. and they are like they have been unreal like they really are they're so good you really have to vacuum after they leave well so initially i go into denial right i'm like well there must be some mistake yep what like do they know who i am how are that but just like how could you do this to me i felt like i had been i was really upset like i was just like are you fucking serious yeah so i emailed back and I hadn't gotten to anger yet at this point so I was still in denial

that's a shame because that would have been a great email to read I replied and I said oh that's such a shame I'm so sad to read that here's where the denial comes in was it something I did they said yeah remember that time I vacuumed your whole house

then I came back in because I forgot my mop and you were vacuuming again did that have anything to do with it, just asking. Was it something I did? Just so if it was, I can avoid doing it in the future. If we find someone else suitable. I can take on feedback and improve who I am as a person.

I'll learn from this and I'll educate myself. I self-rejected immediately. I'm like, I've done something wrong. Oh my God. You? Thank you so much. I'm really wrong, but I always assume I am. Naturally, then.

I agree with half of that. You're a B. They email back. Oh, good. four hours later. The longest four hours of Tony Lodge's life. What did you do for those four hours? Cry.

Yeah, I can see. They emailed back. Oh, it's nothing you've done. We're cutting back our hours quite dramatically and I've had to rearrange our schedule, which unfortunately means making some big changes. Yeah. Now, naturally, I could have,

accepted that and gone they've said it wasn't me all good they've sent now two emails and been pretty polite about it yeah and like you know that like i asked a question they replied it sounds like a great place to end it could have left it there naturally though like an angry ex-girlfriend i decided to do a bit of an online stalk and i'm like well i'll have a look on their instagram and see if they've said like oh we're closing down or someone's moving on or whatever two days before e-es emailing me saying that they're cutting back dramatically and all these, oh, it's horrible, isn't it? That we've got to make all these fucking changes. Oh my God, fucking cry me a river slut.

Two days before on their Instagram, so excited about the beginning of the year, DM and book, if you would like a new cleaner. Yep. I was absolutely heartbroken. And this is where I went into the anger phase. If you were trying to get rid of a C-word client, what would you tell them? Oh my God. Yeah, no, it's not you.

We're just restructuring. Yeah. Yeah. So. That's a bit brazen than them. At this point, though, I'm like feeling pretty sensitive about it. And then two things happen.

And it's not these people's fault at all. It sounds like it. But two things happened. And I thought I probably could have. done without that today. First one is, Torbs goes, oh,

do you reckon it's when they came and vacuumed and then they left the house and then you were vacuuming and then they saw you vacuuming? I mean, we've all been thinking it. We've all been thinking it.

But I went, you know what I could have just done without that in that moment? Oh, could you have done it without that earlier when I said it? No, no, no, no. Safe space. All good.

And then my phone, and I get a text message. And it's from Lily, legal Lil. and she goes Hey girlfriend Hope having a great weekend Hey can you send me

the name of your cleaner Oh my God I just I know you've been Ranting and raving about them I know they're great You really trust them Yeah very rarely have to re-vacuum They're great

Yeah But she's like I know that you really trust And we really need someone Who's good with the pets as well If you could let me know Who it is and how much it costs Like I know you said it's a great price Like because I have ran

I have sung their praise to everyone that will listen. And I go, I was actually not really a good time because they actually just broke up with me. And she goes, what? Why? And I was like, but they are really good. And their name is blah.

And it costs about this much. Lil, have you actually reached out to these people? No, do you know what? And I will, I will, no, you did, right? Okay, I'm going to, I'm going to sing Lily's praises here. I go, they honestly, though, they are great and I do really recommend them and she goes

if they don't want you I don't want them and legal lil is now loyal do you know what though as a heartbroken ex-girlfriend in this situation that's what your besties are supposed to do so true fuck him he's the worst that's ever existed that cleaner never even did your cleaning you know yeah that's what you need to hear in that moment Yeah, but... That's real best girlfriend shit.

Yeah. What a great friend would do is let the person believe you didn't call them. Fuck! You, she didn't. She wouldn't do that. Lil, how's the house looking? I... House is looking great.

No, I did not contact them. I contacted a different cleaner who I'm trialing this week. Wonderful. Wonderful. What are you, you trial the same one, Tony? And we could do? You'll have to... But what I want to know is like, where did we pop out of their schedule, you know?

Oh, I reckon I know. No, but I don't think really that they've... Sorry, you're still got the running mascara and it's so funny. Yeah, I can't take it. Yeah. We've got a meeting in 10 minutes. I know though, like, like, ha, yeah. They broke up with you because of the vacuum cleaner.

Do we give them a call? Do we actually, like, best friend to best friend, safe space here? Do we really, or is it just the calendar restructuring? Well, the fact they're asking for new people, if it was a calendar restructure, they would go, hey, mate, you know how you usually come on on Wednesday? Can we come on Thursday instead? Okay. Yeah. Okay. You're not doing what Lily did, which was make me feel better. But you're being honest. Hang on. No, you're being honest. What do you want for me right now? Do you want honesty or support? No, no. I think I need support because I think deep down, I know the reason. But the reason I didn't. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry. No, it's happened now. I just need to get over it. Do you want me to reach out to them? See if they. accept me and if they like do accept.

Say that you live on my street but like three down. Well no. Like Michael John's house. What I'll do. Fake name. Michael Jordan. Is I'll call them and say my good friend who lives at your address. Next to Michael Jordan.

Has recently been restructured out of the business. And I move sideways. Would like to know why. Because the thing... We're just... We're just hella curious. Yeah. It's fine.

You can take on or not take on whoever you like. And that's actually at your discretion. We just want to know. I just need to know. We host a comedy podcast and we need closure. I do. I think that's what it is. That's why email being like, is it something that I did because genuinely, right?

Obviously, bit of mayo here. Like, I, but I was really upset because I was like, fuck. What are you saying the mascara is? It's a bit of acting occurring. Yeah. I mean, when I saw you put the mascara on, it should have been a clue, but. But the thing is, is that like,

but genuinely when I saw it, I was like, fuck, if we're going to get another cleaner and we've done something, like... Were you chatty when they were there? No.

Were you rudely not chatty? Well, so... They go, hi, Tony, and you go, fuck off, slut. So I, like, because Pipp is there, and because we have a gate, and a front door, I said to them,

after a couple of times that they'd been there, I said, like, hey, like, I actually fully trust you with PIPA, can I give you keys so that, like, you can come when we're not here? Yep. Because I was like, I would rather, yeah. I would rather clean without someone else there. Like, if, if that was your job, you would rather the house is empty. And they're like, oh, we can't keep keys.

And I was like, well, then, what do you want me to, like, leave the door open? Like, what do you want me to do? I mean that I can't keep keys. Like, they don't do it. We don't do that. So I guess you could leave a key out, but I don't really want to do that. Anyway, so we just made it so that either Torbs or I was home.

And we would always be working in our office when they came because it was like a Wednesday. Like, you know, so it's like a work day. So we would just do that. They would come and go as they pleased. And then they would at the end, they didn't ever come up and go like, thanks. They would just leave. Like, it was so chill. I think it's maybe because they don't like you.

And that's actually fine. But like what I want to know is if there is, if I have committed like a cleaning faux par or they were like, oh, it's, the house is too cluttered or too big or we need to charge more and they feel awkward about it. I would rather like have that conversation so that I can change and be like, oh, I'm actually happy to do that or we can pay more. I don't know, whatever. You sound like a desperate ex. I can change, baby. But I can't. out for me for 2026, dark mode on my fucking phone and screens.

I can't do it. I'm a light mode bitch and I just have been living through it trying to look cool and have my dark mode on. I hate it. It's all about looking cool. It's just so much easier for your eyes. No, it's the opposite for me. I don't know if it's because of like wearing glasses.

I'd love to know if other glasses wearers also struggle with dark mode, but I can't do it. And all this time I've been sitting at my laptop. whatever and like really struggling. I changed it over and I haven't been the same since. Discriminating against towels. Not approved. I thought I would buy new towels for the bathrooms in the office. Yep.

So because I wanted them to be bright and colorful, it turns out that bright and colorful towers are usually like a beach towel. Who the fuck cares? Because a towel is a towel. And out for 2020. And you know how I know that you live in. I buy this because you wiped your ass with a hand towel at a hairdresser's house. So I know that you don't discriminate, but the rest of us humans here on earth, we do.

Because sometimes it's a difference between putting your shitty ass on someone's bath towel. I don't discriminate against towels. Dry his hands with it, wipe your ass with it. If you want a fun and colorful one, because you are fun and colorful and I'm trying to support your happy. Appreciate it. Happy go lucky lifestyle. I love it. And I'm like, you know what would make Tony happy?

some fun pink towels in the bathroom. I made... Well, my apology knows because heaven forbid it's too thick and repels sand even though you don't need it to repel sand it still dries your hand which is the point of the fucking towel.

I met a guy at the Alpham pub on Christmas Eve and went back to his place. Christmas Eve. Stayed the night which meant I woke up at his house on Christmas morning. That is debilical.

I cannot believe someone would do that. Like a gentleman, he dropped me home in the morning, and we were cute texting during the day. On Christmas Day, you don't have your phone on you at Christmas Day. In the Arvo, he was like, want to come back over for dinner tonight? I had Christmas dinner with his family less than 24 hours after meeting him. When you know, you know. And she knew she was going to get railed again.

That is. And she went. Because he did it. Yeah. I mean, there are so many parts of the story where I'm like, and then obviously that didn't happen. Oh, like, well, and obviously she said no. Or obviously, you know, like, I just think, well, hooking up with someone on Christmas Eve, crazy. That's like a whole much Christmas movie.

So waking up on Christmas morning, you've just been. Hangover as hell. Yeah. You've just been railed from this guy you met at Eltham Pub. Yeah. You're at his house. Yeah. What are you thinking?

I'm thinking my mom is going to kill me. Yeah. Because I'm not home and it's Christmas. I'm thinking like, shit, I've got to get home. Yeah. Where's my car? Like, what am I? Well, he drove her home.

That is really nice. That is very sweet. I'm also thinking, fuck, I hope he doesn't live with his parents. Like, am I walking out to mom and dad, niece's nephew's kind of situation?

His wife and kids opening the presents. Oh my image Is it my new mum? Let's roll play Okay You're gonna be The nurse The guy

Oh yep And I'm gonna be The guy's mum I love it Alright so I'm the boy Lelena's just sucked me dry And I'm talking to my mum Earlier that morning

Oh yep She sucked you drive that morning Yeah Then you've dropped her home Yeah And then it's late afternoon You've been texting all day and she's coming back.

Yeah. And you were having families in her. Oh, okay, yep. Hey, Mom, you know how you always cook way too much, eh? Yeah. It's because I love you guys. I want to make sure you've got enough food and there'll be heaps of leftovers. Yeah, fucking fair-dinkum.

You're such a good slut, mum. It's in Elthams, I'm guessing. That's a bit rough. Or, you know, that bloody to-hole I brought in this morning? That chew-old I had in this morning. I did notice you had a friend's day. No. Um, yeah.

Lelina. Is she an old friend? How do you know her? Oh, what? How do you know her? Or, um, she an old friend?

We had a pash last night down at the Eltho. Do they call on that? No, absolutely no. Okay. Um, we had a pash last night, um, while DJ Jazzy Jeff was playing.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And then she needed a place to stay. Did she? Yeah. Um.

So what happened? Oh, um, don't worry, mum, we use protection. Oh. Oh. Jazzy Jeff. Call me Charles. I'll be Charles. Oh, Charles.

I don't want to know about that. Oh, Mom. I know you've had one up here. You gave birth to me, didn't you? Little, Charles. Charles. I hate when you talk like that in the family home. Oh, my.

Christmas. If you want to talk. If you want to talk. like, move out and get to her own house. Mom, you know that I don't... You're 35 years old, get out of the house. Mom, you know that I don't have any money? I spent all on Bitcoin.

Well, I told you about those internet things. They'll never do well. Mama! Now, you're talking about that girl who was slugging on your dog. Yeah, so that too old, she doesn't know I haven't got any money yet, and she's going to come back here for Chrissy dinner. What do you reckon? On Christmas?

Oh, yeah, she's around there now. But I thought she'd like a second dinner and a second dinner. She's at the turkey now she's going to have the booth. I would have thought one serve of pork sword was enough for the day. You know what I always say? Never too much pork swords. Did she want the crackling on her meal or is that her service? Show me you crackling, mum.

Sorry. Yeah, so she's... The voice is so funny. Yeah, so she's going to come around. Mum, is that all right? I'll get another plate out. Is she your girlfriend? Oh, we're not really at that place yet.

When did you meet her? Last night, at Jazzy Jeff at the Elfo. Last night at Jazzy Jeff at the Eltho. See, you... We're new friends, mum. We're getting to know each other. Oh, you kids are so fast these days. Yeah, well, I mean, she's seeing the inside of me arse, I'll.

Sorry. Oh, so she'll be eating Christmas dinner and ass tonight. That's nice. Kids these days, I tell you. She'll be full. I'm out. Sorry.