Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: Alone At A Checkout

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

TARPer Josh loves turtles just like me! Buuuuttt..... hehe love yaCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is Josh from Sacramento, California, and I approve this podcast. Hey y'all, this is Josh, and I'm taking the reins of today's episode where we throw it back to some of the best moments of Tony and Ryan from 2023. Our dot com rads are on holiday at the moment, but they will be back before you know it with some brand new episodes for 2024. Today, we're going to be taking it back to Tony and her thoughts on paper straws. But first up, one of our favorite segments. It's time for normal or nah. Now, this is a really controversial one. Normal or nah, bags in a car park.

You're about to pull into an empty car park at a busy shopping centre, but there's a person standing there like, nah, just waiting for my husband. He's about to come around and park here. Does that stand up in court? No. No, it doesn't. Why would you be in court under those circumstances? Small claims.

Yeah. Small claims. Yeah. Small claims tribunal. Judge Judy, you go to Judge Judy, you go, well, Your Honour, she was standing in the car park. So, you know, you're driving down the row and it's busy, all the car park, and you go. Yeah, and you're trying to see if you can stalk someone. Like can you see someone who's coming out with quite a few bags

and you think they're definitely on the way out? Oh, I tell you what's fucking a weird but strangely powerful move is when you're walking back to the car to drop stuff off knowing you're going back into the centre. Yeah, that's what I said last week when we were talking about petty things. Psych! Yeah, so good. So when you cruise along and you see a gap and you're like,

we're fucking on here. Yeah. Oh, and then it's a motorbike. Or just any small car. Doesn't that fuck you right up. I used to get fucked off with small cars and then Bridget would be like, Ryan, you're driving a Toyota Yaris. You are the small car for every single other person.

But you don't park too far in. Don't you? No, like the royal you. You can't park too far in because then otherwise you're that guy. But it's when you park all the way forward and then as you're driving down you can't see it. So if I get to a park and I've finally found an empty spot and some bitch is there saying no, I reckon you're within your rights

to mow her down. I think so too because so the question is normal or nah? I'm saying nah because whenever anybody has ever made me do that, I am sweating bullets worrying that someone is going to walk past or drive past rather and go, oh, well, you can't do that. And I go, oh, well, my mum told me to stay here. Like I don't know what to do. I reckon whoever's told you to do it, they're the arsehole in this whole situation.

A hundred percent. Let's not blame the person in the spot. No. Let's not blame the driver who's just trying to pull in and is mowing people down rightfully and lawfully, Your Honour. Lawfully. Let's blame the person who said, hey, can you just go stand over there? Yeah, and also like patient people procure parking places.

Can you please say that again fast? Patient people procure parking places. Can you please say that again fast? Patient people procure parking places. That is my sister's and I's mantra of parking at Christmas time. How did you stumble on mantra yet nail the other thing? Say the piece again. Patient people procure parking places. That's my mantra. That's my mantra.

I think I just popped a kidney trying to do that. Sorry about that. Mandra. Mandra. Mandra. So it's a nah. It's a nah. Do you know what the other awkward thing is,

which I think is also a dog moves from mums around the world? Yeah. Leaving the kids at an orphanage. Oh, no, sorry, you go. Well, I was going to say something a bit less dramatic than that. Okay, we get it. You're adopted, mate. Fucking changed the record.

Anyway, not the adoption records, obviously. It's quite important. Yeah, preserve. When you are going through the checkout and your mum says, I just need to get one more thing. No, you fucking don't, Mum. And then the lady starts scanning the stuff. Everything's on fire.

You don't know what your name is. Slow down. You can't keep doing this. The conveyor belt's going too fast. Slow everything down. My mum is getting milk. And the woman's throwing the stuff in the bag. Mum!

I don't have any money. I can't pay for this. I'm five years old. I don't have a credit card. You're turning your pockets inside out. Isn't that trauma for your Thursday morning? It actually is trauma. Nothing fucking sends me harder than that.

I actually just can't even deal with it. Torbs has even done it to me once and I've been like, I don't have any money. He's like, oh, good. I'm like, it's getting closer and closer. But even if you did have money, do you just pay and then he rocks up with the singular item and lines up again like a fucking idiot? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you're like, well, we've already been lining up. Torbs, how do you think this plays out? There's a hierarchy here. The extra thing's never close by, is it? No, it's always fucking aisle 12 right down the back. Yeah, actually, I might just go get a chicken but skinned. Yeah. I'm just going to head to the deli and pick a number.

Yeah. Oh. No, you can't be picking numbers at the deli for a last minute thing. Sorry, I know you've worked in the deli while we're fucking getting worked up in the supermarket. Yeah. You've been waiting in line for a few minutes. At the deli. Yeah, and a few people have come in and blah, blah, supermarket. Yeah. You've been waiting in line for a few minutes. At the deli. Yeah, and a few people have come in and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah. And then a few people just like go in front of you and grab a ticket and then you realise you haven't grabbed one. Yep. I'll always honour the line. But it's not like they're being a dick. It's just like they didn't know that you had already grabbed. They didn't realise.

And then the person at the deli goes, 74? And you go, oh, fuck, they're being a dick. It's just like they didn't know that you had a regret. They didn't realise. And then the person at the door goes, 74? And you go, oh, fuck, they're doing tickets. And all of a sudden the person who rocked up after you, they're 74. Yeah, they're rolling in. And you go, well, basically in the line, I would have been 69. But then do you? Did you want the dinner for two? Yeah.

69? So. I will get my chicken skinned. Thank you very much. My boyfriend's waiting in the line, but I will have the 69. It's right up in your face, that, isn't it? It is, yeah. Who ordered the lunch?

So, but did you go grab a ticket then and just, like, rejoin the queue? Or did you actually go, oh, I'm sorry. No, I get a ticket and I just go back to the beginning. And I call Torbs and go, just go through and I'll buy this after. Yeah, I'll meet you at home. In fact, marry a new woman. Just don't worry about me. Yeah, you know what?

I'm taking the chicken breast and I'll just eat it myself. Raw in the car park. Yeah. Fuck. Normal or nah? Reading recaps for TV shows that you don't even watch ashton says i do this because i feel like i want to be in the loop with all the water cooler chat but i can't be fucked watching the shit shows like the bachelor and married at first sight

and all of those things but i don't want to miss out the weird thing says ashton is that the only person i actually talk about the shows with is my partner and he doesn't watch the show either. So we're basically just recapping the recaps. Okay. Nah for that. I don't mind like a batchy recap where it's like all the drama of like the three things or whatever. But in terms of water cooler chat, Ashton, I'm going to call you out there because I don't think I've worked in a workplace for about five years where people actually talk about what was on free-to-air TV last night. Is that a real thing?

I don't think people are doing that anymore. We're both working commercial radio and every boss in commercial radio like has this strange belief. You have to talk about what was on maths last night, whatever. Every person in every workplace is going into the water cooler and being like, break down, married at first sight for me. Oh, my God, did you hear what the radio said this morning? That's just never happened.

You have this couple-hour chat every day and go, yeah, I will tune in to them. You know, not only did you not watch maths last night, but you're not going to listen to fucking bing-bong and ding on the bloody 6am radio. We've spoken about it. No, I couldn't say ding-dong anymore. I said bing-bong.

That's a similar area. That's a cousin? The whole family's out. Oh, okay. So what could I say instead? Just names. Rhubarb. I could.

So as someone who's a bit shy and introverted, like when not like. Yeah. Like say if I was in an office. Yeah. I just want to fucking do my job. Oh, no, I'm a chatter. Yeah, you're a chatter. But imagine me at the water cooler, right?

Yeah. This is my ideal water cooler chat. This is actually the water cooler chat because no one actually likes people I work with. So this. Sorry, what about me? This. No, in like office scenarios.

We have an office. In corporate world. Oh, okay. We have a business. Yeah. So there's a water cooler. Yeah. Because I think the water cooler is like the person you don't work directly

with. It's like the guy from sales you see once a week. Except also water cooler. Everyone's got a fucking two-liter water bottle the guy from sales you see once a week. Except also watercooler. Everyone's got a fucking two-litre water bottle on their desk now. You're not even going to the watercooler anymore. So imagine you're filling up your drink bottle. Yeah. Oh, hey, bro.

How are you going? Yeah, good, thanks. Did you watch maths last night? I'm actually already left. Oh, great. Okay, well, I'll just go. Fuck, he's rude, eh? Have you met that guy that's in accounting?

He's a cockhead. How are you going? Good, thanks. How are you? Yeah, not too bad. Okay, have a great one. Going to be warm today. Oh, even the weather chat is quite strong because isn't weather chat just the biggest

fuck you to whoever you're talking to? Is it rude to not? I love chatting about the weather, but I've realised that people think it's rude. I love fucking weather chat. I think it's genuinely interesting. All right. Because if I say, oh, a bit hot today, and you go, no, I don't reckon, I'm like, oh, you run obviously cooler than me.

I think that's really insightful. When I lived in Toowoomba in Queensland, sometimes you get a bit of a storm. And if there was a storm coming through in the afternoon, I'd be like, fucking settle in, folks. Get a seat by the window. I even pull the couch around and just sit there, pour one out. There's nothing on TV better than sitting there and watching this big storm roll in over the hills, bit of lightning.

That's fucking entertainment. You know what? I take it back where the chat is boring. That was boring as fuck. I guess I'll just fill up my drink bottle and fuck off. I'd rather watch maths. Did you see Bachelor last night? Normal or nah?

Being in the good books, and this one wasn't sent in by a tarpa. This Normal or Nah was thrust upon us by Toowoomba Ash. Toowoomba Ash. Can we put Toowoomba in the title today somehow? Yeah. So Toowoomba Ash. Last week, Tony and I are in Brisbane,

and Ash has had the biggest night he's had for five years. And we know this because he stumbled over to our table at breakfast, fell on the table and was like, I used to be able to stay up all night and I haven't done for five years because of the kids. But fucking I gave it a crack last night and I am fucked. Here's a normal night to put on the show. And we're like. He's like, I love the show, guys.

We were like, hey, bro. And he was not thinking straight. No. Still show, guys. We were like, hey, bro. And he was not thinking straight. No. Still drunk, definitely. So, well, there was a bit of chat because I think he had a few more beers than his wife would have liked him to. Were you getting that vibe? I think as well it was a getaway for the two of them for two nights.

Yep. And it turned into a not that. A party for one. Yeah, yeah. So Tony says something like, oh, hope you're not in the bad books. Yeah. And Ash wasn't having a bar of this. No, he was snapped back quick.

He suddenly sobered up. He'd gone from 18 beers back to seven. And he goes, well, I disagree with you, Tony, because bad books implies there's some sort of good books and I've never fucking seen or heard of those. Isn't that just the most classic thing you've ever heard? Like, oh, is there a bloody good book? Cheers.

See you later. Like, isn't that just one of those things? We did have to get a barbecue scraper to get Ash off our table. Yeah. He was such a lovely guy. He was really nice. But normal on our front to him, but Ash, ever being in the good books? Or there being a good book.

Well, have you ever done something, you know, out of the ordinary or you've cooked a nice dinner or you've done something? That's out of the ordinary for me. That's what I mean. But then you're like, oh, I'm in the good books. Like not Torb's owes me one, but like I'm in the good books. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, or some brownie points or whatever. I think it's such an old way of thinking about, like,

a relationship, isn't it? Because I would never, ever say to Torbs, like, oh, you're in the bloody doghouse, you know, which feels like something that, like, our mums and dads would have said or whatever. I do agree, though, that sometimes you go, they're fucked off with me and I probably do need to get back in the good books as it were.

That's what I mean. Good books is really just used as getting back to neutral. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. All right. Say Torbs is fucked off with something you've done and we have those times when you go, actually, yeah,

you're probably right. Yeah, that's probably fair enough. I'm not going to fight back because you ain't wrong. Yeah. What is something that you would do? And again, it doesn't need to be over the top. It might just be giving him the space or it might. It's not what I was going to say.

Sorry. Maybe it's that. Giving him a little slice of something from the deli. Me ham sandwich. Well, both of us use, communication as like a love language. Like we love our debrief. So I'd say that it'd probably be like talk about it. But if I was going more subtle, I'd probably go, oh,

like I'll grab some stuff for dinner and then I'd get him a little treat from the shops. And that would be a peacemaker. What's a little treat? Like a little Freddo? A Caramello Koala? Maybe a Kinder Surprise. Fuck, yeah.

Because that's like you would never normally buy that. Oh, yeah. Or, you know, the Mars Bars ice creams, the little bars, yeah, they do us in, they're a love language in our house. We're not a flowers and chocolates family. Yeah. If you want to get in my good books. I mean, not that you never, like I don't.

I'll do it now. I'll buy it on Amazon. What is it? You know I'm fucking anyone's for a Golden Gay Time ice cream. You know this. Yeah, yeah. Because they used to be one of the ones on Milk Bar, the app. Milk Run.

Milk Run. Yeah. Milk Run. So the app, they go, oh, we've got a whole bunch of, like they've only got a few of each thing. And they go, ice cream's Golden Gay Time. And I'm like, fuck, yeah, four for $10? You can't buy the materials for that.

You know something that I do for you? Not that I've ever actually fucked you up or we've been in a fight, but you know what's a really good one if I'm ever not really sure how we're going together? Can I guess? Yeah, you can. Should we go get a coffee? Nah.

I send you a house. Do you? Yeah, because that you a house. Do you? Yeah. Because that's a really good peacemaker for you. I normally, I'll go, oh, look at this insane house I saw on realestate.com.au. Well, you fuck that now because we can never send houses again because the thought. No, because I know it just makes you happy. Yeah, but I'm going to be like, does she think I'm fucked off?

Or is she fucked off? Yeah, she's fucked off. This is a peace offering. What the fuck happened? Nah, that's a good one for you, though. It is a good one for me. Send you a house or a really- Because we've been to a few open houses for Tony.

Spoiler alert, she can't afford any of them. Can't afford any of them. But it's fun to pretend we're a rich couple. It is actually so fun to pretend. The other day we went to one and we were pretending we were married and our producer was our third. Yeah. And we walked in and the three of us were like.

This would be all three of ours bedroom. Yeah. Where would you put your clothes? Yeah. And the real estate agent was like, oh. Do you reckon he was buying it though? No. Because we knew that we couldn't buy it either.

Hey, it's Josh from the capital city of Hot Girl, California, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Is there something you do in your life that you're ashamed to admit? Oh, fuck, what a horrible question to ask. We all try to be good people, but sometimes you're in a situation where you kind of just don't want to do the right thing. You just want to do what you want to do. Yeah. I have something to admit. Is this going to get us cancelled with a K?

No, I don't know actually, but I reckon that you listening to this podcast, that you, Tony Lodge, are going to hear what I do and go, nah, me too, or I'm fucking with you. I doubt it. I fucking doubt it. Okay, let me put it this way. I'm a way better person than you. Well, obviously.

I wrote a book. And that's how we measure. I wrote a book. Who's a good person. Have you ever met a shit person that's written a book? That's what I thought. Can you promise not to judge me, though? Can you at least go, I know where you're coming from?

No, never. I would never promise that. All right. Okay. If not that, I reckon that even if this is something that you have never done, there would have been a time where you're like, I wish I had the balls like Ryan has and I wish I'd done that because I did the right thing and I regret it. You know that I get peer pressure.

I know. Yeah. And you're like, if someone pressure. I know. Yeah. And you're like, if someone sees me do this. Yeah, see them. Yeah. Okay, here's what I'm saying. And you don't even have to say it out loud. Okay.

You'll hear and you'll go, I wish I did that. All right. I want to be a good person. But I just can't with paper straws. There, I said it. Turtles. Love them. However, love them. However, love them.

Turtles, twatus, porpoise, dolphin, whatever. This isn't making it better, but yes. But last week, right, I was at the pub. Yeah. Last week, right, I was at the pub and normally a paper straw is like very annoying at the best of times. I've literally got one sitting right fucking in front of me. But we ordered a jug of sangria and they gave us like glasses that were like obviously full of ice, had a straw in them,

and like to keep refilling from a jug, the straw was fucked by, you know, halfway through the first drink and then you keep going down. I hear you cry from the bright blue yonder. Why not just fuck the straw off? And let me pour it. It's nice. I'll tell you what's aggressive. At Boost Juice in Vic Gardens, there's a big food court.

There's thousands of fucking people around. It's packed. And they say out loud, name for the order, Ryan, Ryan, did you want a plastic straw or a paper one? That's dog. Don't fucking ask me that out loud. Fuck you. Yeah.

It's like when you get fucking asked to make a donation at the checkout. Oh, that's different. I can tell them to get fucked anytime. No, because they go, would you like to help the starving kids? And you go, well, I'm going to look like a fucking right Carla Condu as I know. First of all, those guys are off commissions. You're not giving money to the African kids.

You're giving money to those backpackers who won't get a real job. And then I walk past and they go, oh, so you hate kids in Africa? The World Vision people in the middle or whatever or UNICEF? They're assholes. Well, it's so awkward because then you feel like the biggest asshole but normally you're either in a rush or you go, I actually don't want to do that. Oh, you're too busy for poverty.

And then you feel like you have to justify it. Like, oh, I donate elsewhere. Like, fucking, you know, you just feel like the biggest flog but the paper straw. What a way to shame someone in public. So, of course, when they say it out loud, you go, I'll get the paper straw. I'd love the paper straw, please.

I'm just going to fucking not ask anyone. So I get the paper straw and it kind of like dissolves after. Because a boost juice is something you'll like sip on for a while, right? Yeah, you're not just chugging it back. So it starts getting soggy and then like it doesn't really work and then you're like, do I get a fucking spoon? Like how do I finish this? And then because it's got the boost juice has like the lid

with the crisscross. So like you can't like because with a boost juice you need to like put the straw up and down to like mix it up or get to the bottom or whatever and it like rips on the thing. Yeah. And so this might be just me. Yeah. But when you're like sucking on something, if you don't get the juice,

does it feel like unsatisfying? Yeah. I know the double entendre that's happening here but like yes. I've tried to like suck it at the top. Sometimes I'll go like all the way down, but I just fucking can't get it. Because you can't take the lid off and like drink a boost juice because like the cups are so big that it like comes out the side. Yeah, and then you know how you were saying you have to do the thingamajig?

Yeah, like shook it up and down. So one time because I'm having trouble sucking the thing, I'm fucking going at it with my hand and then it fucking goes all over my face. And there's nothing worse because it takes forever to get it out of your hair. And your eyebrows. Say when you're at the food court. Actually, more anywhere. Forget the food court.

When you're sucking on a soggy one, you just feel embarrassed. Like, am I doing this wrong? And it makes that noise. What's the noise? Because nothing's coming up. Nothing's coming out. Nothing's coming at all. If I'm sucking on something and I don't get the juice in my mouth,

it ends up being a pain in the ass. something and I don't get the juice in my mouth, it ends up being a pain in the ass. And if it's soft and you're not getting anywhere, you've just got to do it yourself. Sometimes I have to carry one in my handbag so that I know I've got a backup and you don't want it up your back. Let me show you. Yeah, I've heard that before.

So am I a bad person for saying this oh i mean yes because fucking oh well if you don't like a cardboard straw use a stainless steel one or a bamboo one or whatever i like i tried to do the bring your own straw thing no but i did it once i forgot to wash it it was in my bag and then it stunk fucking stink if you don't wash them. Yeah. And because you just don't. I never empty my bag when I get home. Yeah.

Don't empty your bag. The other day though, you know when you go to bubble tea? Yeah. And they give you the fat plastic straw. I don't even describe it as girthy. It is because to get your like jelly balls through. Yeah. Get your balls through.

Get a nut in there. I thought like, you know what, cardboard straw is not that bad, but kind of used to it now. It's been a couple of years. I had a plastic straw the other day. I thought about keeping that in my bag. It was fucking heaven, wasn't it? Because it was so good.

Yeah. And it lasted the whole time. Yep. I got to like chew on it a little bit and like it was just so good. You can't chew on a cardboard straw. There's no satisfaction. Did the bubble tea straw um stay firm until you were satisfied it did and even torbs had a gone he loved it

thank you so much for tuning in and listening my you love to see it as this this right here it's been an absolute pleasure being with you all and a great honor to host an episode of this Hot Fun Garbage podcast that brings so much joy and light to its listeners. You'll love to see it. All right, Tony and Ryan will be back on Monday, January 8th. Have a great day.