Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: At a Funeral and in the Bedroom

Episode Date: April 17, 2022

Ryan has COVID so THE BIG WOOT IS HOSTING and throwing it back to Toni and Ryan chatting funerals and bedrooms, and that time Ryan went to jail and nothing else happened ;) xxx Toni Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, this is The Big Woot, and welcome to the throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. So, coming up today, Ryan goes to the place he shouldn't be sent to for all his previous recommendations, jail, and Tony meets up with our new bestie, the Dalai Lama. But first, here are some things you can say at a funeral and also in the bedroom. Tony Lodge. Sorry, am I being too loud? How are you coping? For me, it's been really hard.

That is so funny. Do you need a tissue? Sorry, I just did some very graphic, physical... Hand gestures. Physical comedy, mate. Oh, jeez. They've put on a great spread today. God, the wood they've used is absolutely gorgeous.

Gorgeous. Gorgeous. It's gorgeous. The coffin, but also your penis. Yeah, I mean, wood is, yeah, yep. It's so graphic. Imagine if you were having sex with someone and you were like, nice wood. Nice wood, mate.

That is so bothersome. Bothersome? Oh, we're just making up words now, are we? That's a word? Okay. Your funeral. And my bedroom. Things you can say at a funeral in the bedroom.

Oh, can't believe how many people came today. My next one is, wow, a lot of extended family here. This one's a bit, I'm nervous. This one's a bit... I'm nervous. I'm glad it ended when it did because I didn't want to suffer anymore. Oh, my God. Were you close? I was proud of that one.

So close, it was turned blue. What? Because the body would go cold and, of course, if you're close and you don't, the balls would go. Well, I meant are you close, like, in relationship? Yeah. But also, like, are you close to... Close to what?

Thanks for an amazing service. Have you travelled far? I'm so sorry. Sorry. Are you Aunty Ruth's son? I don't know why immediately for me it's a family funeral. I thought he'd last a bit longer. I thought he had a bit more in him. Well, I'm there.

Oh, he had a good innings. Here's Ricky Ponting. At first it hurts, but over time the pain will fade away. Time heals all wounds. Especially your wound. Oh, me axe wound. I was deliberately trying to avoid that word. Sorry.

Please don't cry. Hang on, my grandma can't have champagne. Can I see the body? Ooh, that's really stiffened up, hasn't it? Oh, poor granddad. May God be with you. No? Do you... Oh, like...

I think I get the funeral side. I just... Oh, my God. Oh, God. Maybe that's one. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, he's finished up in a nice box, hasn't he?

Fuck me dead! Oh, that one works as well Oh god I'm crying and I think I just headbutted the chair Oh shit Fuck me dead Fuck me dead Fuck me dead I'm crying can you see the tears Oh, shit. Oh, fuck it. Fuck it.

Fuck it. I'm crying. Can you see the tears? I've got some more, but I think we should finish there. And that's not one. Hey, this is The Big Woot, and you're listening to a throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. I don't know how we got around to it. I sort of forgot about it, but I mentioned that I was arrested.

And just before we started recording, I said, Ryan, are you going to tell that story about how you got arrested? And you said, nah, I don't think anyone's going to care, but I've been thinking about it for a whole week. Before I tell you what I did, if there was a scale between, like, bad boy or, like, real softy, where would I be on that scale? I definitely don't think you're a bad boy. You're not a bad boy.

I wish I was a bad boy. Oh, do you? No, I don't think you're a bad boy. You're not a bad boy. I wish I was a bad boy. Oh, do you? No, I don't think so. But bad boy as in like cool hot boy that like smokes a cigarette and wears a leather jacket, that's the kind of bad boy you want to be because that's a bit like. Right. But you don't want to be a bad boy that like hits others or starts fights.

Yeah, okay. And you're like, okay, well, I started a fight. Do you want to have a guess? Now that I know you think I'm not a bad boy. Okay. What do you reckon I got arrested for? Okay, I'm going to give three options. Okay.

Like a move along notice, like drunken disorderly in public and you got pushed along. Public urination, maybe. I do need to pee a lot. That has been well documented. You pee a lot and also, like, you know, if you get a bit drunk pants, I can imagine that happening. Yep.

And maybe was it drugs related? No. Because you do heroin. Can we just put a big asterisk? Tony's being sarcastic and joking, obviously. We know that it's fine. Safe space. Got a beautiful community of a thousand people all here for you.

It's not the third one. We can strike one straight away. That's good. It's not the second one. Was it the first one? Was I right? When I tell this story, you will accuse me of the first one, but I will confirm that that's not what happened. Oh, okay. Oh, hooker me through. When was I right? When I tell this story, you will accuse me of the first one,

but I will confirm that that's not what happened. Oh, okay. Oh, hooker me through. I was arrested and put in jail. Jail? Yeah. Like overnight drunk tank jail? Yep.

What? For jaywalking. No. Yeah, and it's so embarrassing. No, that's a lie. That did not happen. So it's like two or three in the morning. Yeah. And it's so embarrassing. That's a lie. That did not happen. So it's like two or three in the morning. Yeah. And this is where everyone accuses me of being the drunken disorderly move along. Was this in Australia? Yeah. It was on the corner of Bourke Street and Elizabeth. So right in the middle of the city in Melbourne, if you don't know.

And it was two or three in the morning and I was standing in the middle of the road on my phone because my friend was like a few hundred metres down the street. And I was sort of, you know, on the phone and I was like, hey, we're down here, you know, sort of trying to like, hey, I'm waving to them. And this cop pulls up and he goes, hey, mate, get off the road. And I went, oh.

And so I stood on like, you know, a little traffic car, like a strip of concrete in the middle of like. Yeah, a median strip, is that what it's called? Yeah. So I went and stood on that and stayed on the phone, like just stepped up onto that and I was still kind of waving my friend and the cop said, I told you to get off the road and I went, I'm on the strip. And then he just goes, that's it, you're gone.

And arrested me. What? Yeah. Like handcuffs behind my back, put into the back of a divvy van. No. Yep. And like read my rights and stuff. How old were you at this point?

21, 22. And I was with my mate Elliot and he just watched the whole thing. Didn't do anything. So anyway. Oh, God, he's not invited to the wedding. We get, I've already been married. Was he at the wedding? No. Oh, God, he's not invited to the wedding. We get, I've already been married. Was he at the wedding? No.

Oh, well taken. There you go. There you go. So I get to the police station to be processed before you get put into the tank. And because it is that time of day. Did they call your mum? Like, what did they do?

No, no, they didn't. But I think he was sort of trying to get a rise out of me, the cop. And I had a look on my face of like, and I didn't say anything. Everyone assumes I got lippy. I did not get lippy. Had you had a few beers? I had, but it wasn't that. And I wasn't like drunk, drunk.

So you just stayed calm. You're like, all right, mate, sorry for doing the right thing. Well, I was very annoyed. I was just like, surely there's better things for a cop to be worried about. So I was a bit like, really? You know, that sort of like, I was just, and there was no cars on the road, like middle of the night, literally like dead. And I was like, is this what you're going to spend your, okay, whatever.

So anyway, it turns out that jaywalkers don't get a lot of respect in the prison system. So you would have guessed it, right? This story. I got put into this room and my roommates, cellmates as they call them. Oh, yeah. So one of them has punched a security guard.

Then another security guard's come over. He's fly kicked that security guard. Then the police come in. He knocks down two cops before the third, fourth and fifth jump on him. And he's taken out about five people on his way in. He's a fucking Kung Fu Panda. What are you talking about? So he comes in hot and he's like, like the kind of guy who would do that.

He's like. Hotted up and he's like. He's like. And then he comes in and I was like, oh, mate, you okay? Like I'm terrified. So he comes in. You must have been so scared. I was so scared.

And then he comes in. I was like, oh, mate, what's going on? He's like, oh, well, this one security guard comes up and goes, you can't come in. So I snapped him. And then this other security guard thought you can't punch a security guard. Bang, so I kicked him. And he was all fired up.

And then he was, like, telling me all this story. And as you can imagine, all the other hotheads who are also in, like, the cells next door, they're like, yeah, get the police. Punch him back. You know, it's like he's sort of, like, telling this story. And everyone's all revved up. And they're like, yeah, you go him. Because, you know, everyone's got a bit of this anti-cop vibe

because they've just all been arrested. And you're just this sweet little cushiony boy. And then he looks at me and he goes, yeah, I punched a cop and I did this. What did you do? Oh, yeah, I just, I was walking across the street and he goes, yeah, then what? Did you punch someone?

I was like, that's it. That's it. I was on the phone to me, mate. And he goes, oh, so you got arrested for jaywalking? And someone three cells down bursts into laughter. The disrespect that jaywalkers get in the prison system is ridiculous. You should have made up a cooler story. I know.

If I had my time again, I would have. Yeah. So then this other guy comes in because you can have three in a cell in this one, apparently. What kind of cell? Was it like the kind of cell with like the toilet in there? Yeah. Did you need to poo?

No, but like knowing myself and my body now. You had to wee a lot? Well, yeah, because I'd had a few beers so it was a bit awkward. So anyway, this third guy comes in. Actually, let me give you some background on drugs in Melbourne because apparently I know a lot about it. Apparently, 98%. It turns out that if you have 10 or more pills on you...

Sure. ..it's trafficking. Like, that's a lot that's considered trafficking. Like, you've obviously got enough to, like... Intent to sell? Yeah, or just, you know, you've got enough that you're obviously passing them along. Yeah.

Nine or less is just, like, personal possession. And the difference between getting done for trafficking or possession, like huge difference. This guy gets cornered by cops. He's got 14 pills with him. And he knows that if he's only got nine or less on him, the charges are like a slap on the wrist and a fine. Whereas 10 or more, it's like three months jail. So he's eaten five pills and been put in the joint with you. He's dropped five. And I reckon he'd been arrested about half an hour earlier.

So by the time they were starting to kick in. And he was a very flamboyant man. He had red leather pants. And he was up and about ready to party because he's pulled off his ice and he's full of. Pulled off his heist. And he's full of. Oh, that's made me lightheaded.

What was that laugh? I don't know. You sound like a baby rolled over the wrong way. I just had a really, got a really bad head spin from that laugh. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. This literally sounds like an episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. How did this happen? As in how did he get away with it all?

What is happening? Is this a real story? Yeah. So he comes in and he's, like, dancing. He's singing Kylie Minogue. Oh, good for him. He's, like, dancing around. And the other guy who's, like, a hothead, like,

he's not liking that at all. And so he starts like pulling on the cage. Let me out of here. This guy's crazy. I'm like, that guy's crazy. You just punched three cops, mate. And here you think he's the crazy one? He's actually bringing a good vibe to this party.

I don't mind him at all. So did you sleep there the night? Yeah, but I didn't sleep much because I was just so scared and so nervous. You were going to die. Yeah. Yeah. And then it turns out I was, and this is what really irks me I got charged twice one was for jaywalking and the second was some law like failing to obey police instruction and that's not good but the instruction was get off the road. And I'm like, surely that's the same crime.

It's like I got done for jaywalking and for being told not to cross the road and I did. So two separate fines, two separate charges. How much was the fine? Do you remember? I don't know. All I remember after that is because in theory when you go to jail, you are repaying your debt to society.

So when you leave jail, they say, the Queen thanks you for your service. Or no, the Queen thanks you for your time or something like really. And I was like, I wasn't offering. Okay, I've got so many questions. You've been to jail. That's super exciting. And now I'm a bit attracted to you.

Do you know what I mean? Because I'm like, oh, my God, I went to jail. Finally, she admits it. What did your mum say? She was disappointed. And she accused me. She goes, oh, my God, Ryan went to jail. Finally she admits it. What did your mum say? She was disappointed. And she accused me. She goes, oh, let me guess. When you got told to get off the road, you got lippy

and you got arrested for being drunk. And I was like, no, I did not get lippy. In fact, I bit my lip. He was trying to get a rise out of me. And I was like, who do you think you are, Tony Lodge? No, she's the only one that gets a rise out of me. So I just, and I was like, maybe he had to fill a quota or this guy was just having a jerk night or something.

I don't know. He just, yeah, it was so strange. Okay. Has it ever affected you in the future, like trying to get a police clearance or anything like that? Has it ever affected you? No, because apparently if you pay your fine, like if you just accept it and pay it for these kind of like,

it's called like an on the spot fine. Yeah. You just pay your fine and that's it. But if you like contest it, and this is of like, it's called like an on-the-spot fine. Yeah. You just pay your fine and that's it. But if you like contest it, and this is probably like a strategy so you won't contest it, is like if you contest it and go to court, then it goes on your record. Yeah. But they're like, if you just pay it, then it's done, it's over.

Oh, because what's the, okay, I've got a question. What's the weirdest job you've ever applied for that you had to get a police clearance for? Because mine was for a job at J.P. Hi-Fi. It's got a question. What's the weirdest job you've ever applied for that you had to get a police clearance for? Because mine was for a job at JB Hi-Fi. It's got a police clearance. They like ask if you've ever committed a crime and whether you like say yes to getting a police clearance. I didn't get the job though.

You did get it? No, I didn't. You applied for a job at JB and didn't get it? I've applied for like 70 jobs at JB Hi-Fi. It was like the job I wanted. I wanted to work at Boost Juice or JB Hi-Fi. Has someone ever told you you look like someone who would work at JB Hi-Fi. It was like the job I wanted. I wanted to work at Boost Juice or JB Hi-Fi. Has someone ever told you you look like someone who would work at JB Hi-Fi? Have I just offended you? No. That is literally the highest

compliment. I thought I just said something offensive. No. Everybody that works at JB Hi-Fi is cool as shit. Yep. Do you really think I'm cool enough to work at JB Hi-Fi? Yeah, and you know about audio stuff and like you'd be perfect. They're crazy. Do you think they'd hire cool enough to work at Joby Half-Life? Yeah, and you know about audio stuff? Like, you'd be perfect. They're crazy.

Do you think they'd hire me? Yeah. I'll apply now. Well, I don't think they're offering. Oh. I mean, they probably are. I'll call them after this. Okay, great.

Great. Sorry to interrupt. But my mum was a schoolteacher and then a school principal, and I think when I was in high school I got a job, like, at after-school care. Yeah. Like, you just, you know. So you have to have working with children.

But they also, like, because it's a school and a government, like police checks, all this stuff. And I ended up working like two or three shifts. I was like, oh, I spent more time getting the police check than I had to getting the thing. I had to get a really, this sounds like a really weird flex, but I had to get quite a high police clearance because I worked with the Dalai Lama once.

What? That sounds like a lie. You worked with him? Yeah. Yo, it's a Dalai and Tony show. Welcome. Yeah. Like Lama, Lama, Yeah. Yo, it's a Dalai and Tony show. Welcome. Like, llama, llama, what? No, that's not what happened.

No. Is that culturally insensitive? I don't know. Is he a DJ? DJ Llama. No, Dalai Llama. Oh, sorry, my mistake. So how did you work with the Dalai Llama?

Well, this wasn't, we weren't planning on this going here and it sounds like such a weird flex, but I was working at UWA in Perth and I was working alongside this other guy who was one of my lecturers at the uni that I went to at WAPA. And so I was working there like part-time while I was at uni and one day they were like, we've got this event coming up that we need you to work on. You need to get all this police clearance.

I was like, that's really weird. That's not what we normally have to do. And they were like, we need to get all of these security photos of you and all of this stuff. I was like, are you joking? I don't think that this is what. Necessary. Yeah.

And then they were like, well, very confidentially, it's actually for the Dalai Lama to come. Just confidentially, it's DJ Dalai Lama. Yeah, it's DJ Lama Lama Ding Dong. And they said he's coming to do this big talk. It's for all, he's doing this, the rounds of Australia. Yep. His Australasian tour.

And we need you to do the audio. And there was probably 20 federal police at the university protecting him and then also his posse of monks that he travels with. And they all walk around him and he walks in the middle. And you're not allowed to, we weren't allowed to talk to him or touch him or anything, but I had to put his microphone on him. I was going to say, who put the mic on?

Yeah, so I actually. You touched the Dalai Lama. Well, so I went over to him and I said, His Holiness, I need to put your microphone on. Did you say His Holiness? That's how you address him. And they said, you need to say this. Yes, yeah.

So they, like, briefed you on how to talk to him, what to do, not to touch him and all of that. But you had to touch him to put the mic on. Well, yeah. So I said, hi, His Holiness, my name's Tony and I'm going to be putting a microphone on. Is that okay? Like and subscribe.

Yeah. He follows me on Instagram. Yeah. No. And he was like, oh, yes, of course. And before I put the microphone on him, he grabbed my hands. What? And, like, blessed them.

Those hands have been blessed by the Dalai Lama? Yes. And then I. I've seen those hands do unsavoury things. And they've been blessed by the Dalai Lama. I saw those hands put a cheese Kransky in your face before we started recording. And it was bloody good. And then I put the microphone, around his neck and I had,

so I wear my hair in a bun all the time. Like it's always in a big bun on top of my head. And he was like, oh, can I touch your hair? What? And I was like, and this is on the stage in front of all these people. Is this real? No, I'm being serious. There's a video of it on YouTube.

Wow. Okay. We'll see that soon. Yeah, Antoine the Dalai Lama. Like, subscribe. And he grabbed my bun and went likeai Lama. Like, subscribe. He grabbed my bun and went like boop, boop, boop and like grabbed my hair.

I wish that I was joking. This really happened. The Dalai Lama boop, boop, boop, boop your hair. He booped me. Yeah. And then all the crowd. How have I not known this? I don't know. It doesn't come up very much because it's such a weird flex. How does this not come up in conversation? It's such a weird flex. Anyway. We talk about the Dalai Lama all the crowd. How have I not known this? I don't know. It doesn't come up very much because it's such a reflex. How does this not come up in conversation?

It's such a reflex. Anyway. We talk about the Dalai Lama all the time. Why do you not notice this? Sorry, I wanted to save it for a great time. And then so we were in front of all the crowd and they all started laughing. Then they had to start the conference.

And then I put his microphone on and then, yeah, like it kind of went underway. And then at the end they were rushing him out because they were running over time. Yep. And I took his microphone off him and he was like, thank you so much, like grabbed my hands and like bowed at me. Did he give you some words of wisdom before he left?

He just said I had like a nice energy. He was right. You do have a nice energy. Oh, that's so kind. Thank you. Finally, me and the Dalai Lama agree. Yeah. But that's like probably when people are like, oh, my God,

who's the biggest celebrity you've ever met working in radio? And it's like, oh, Hamish Nandy, Rian John, you know. But it's actually the Dalai Lama from like years ago. I mean, it's hard for Hamish Nandy to compete with the Dalai Lama. And actually, so that was in the morning, and that afternoon I had my first ever job interview for a radio job. And did you get it? No.

Chalk that one up to the win in the morning and the loss in the afternoon. Imagine you should have got the Dalai Lama as a reference. Oh, I should have been like, can I grab your email address? Or they're like, Tony, thanks for coming in for this interview. Do you have a reference? Ah, yeah, the Dalai Lama. Yeah, literally. He's number four.

That's his phone number. What a crazy day. So you got arrested. I met the Dalai Lama. Who cares about me? I've been blessed by the Dalai Lama. You are an illegal walker. I'm so embarrassed by how terrible my story was now that you've upped me.

But I wasn't trying to do that. Well, you have though, haven't you? I wasn't trying to. Wow. Thanks for saying I look like I could work at JB Hi-Fi, though. If someone can put in the Facebook group, hey, Ryan, great story about being arrested, can't even remember what Tony said after.

Tony was saying, yeah, that's fine. What's the opposite of Trump someone? Biden. Political gear. Thank you. You are on fire today. I'm fucking there. I stand corrected.

Just edit out my story. This is just the Tony show now. So, Tony, you. You are on fire today. I'm fucking there. I stand corrected. Just edit out my story. This is just the Tony show now. So, Tony, you did mention, though, that... I can't back that up with that story. We'll talk about what COVID's destroyed next time. Yeah, that's on Wednesday's episode. You listen to that tomorrow. Hi, I'm Hamish, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

Yeah. Hi, I'm Hamish and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. Alright, by the time this podcast comes out and you're listening to this right now, there will be a snippet of video that Tony and I have just watched during that break where the music was playing, validating Tony's bogus story that her and the Dalai Lama hung out and it's actually hilarious to watch. What were you saying about the video? So it kind of shows me putting his microphone on,

but it cuts away to the host, Lizzy O'Shea, before he boops my hair. But you can hear all the crowd laughing and they're laughing at him going boop, boop, boop, boop on my ponytail. We'll make a reel or a TikTok out of that because that is unbelievable. I can't believe I didn't know that. So thanks for listening to today's

throwback episode of Tony and Ron. What are some things you guys like to see? Me, personally, I love to say this community that we've grown here. When I first started listening to this podcast, it was four episodes and a couple of tech talks. I've now grown into this ginormous thing with over 100 episodes on a Facebook group with over

20,000 people. And the Tarpers in that group are some of the nicest, kindest, warmest, welcoming people you'll ever meet. I just love to say it. Tomorrow, Monique DeRose will be hosting. Thanks for listening.