Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: At Dinner and also in the Bedroom

Episode Date: April 19, 2022

Jared McQuaig on the mic to co-host today! He's throwing back to a few faves - things you can say at Dinner and also in the Bedroom (the OG!!!) and also I fucking hate hi-fives, Love ya!! Toni x Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is song hero Jared McQuig, all the way from Alberta, Canada, eh? And welcome to a throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. Coming up today, there is a cheating scandal. Oh, say it isn't so. And Tony reveals something that really fucks her up. But first, this is things you can say at dinner and also in the bedroom. A favorite of mine? This looks better than it tastes, to be honest.

Things you can say in the bedroom and at the dinner table. And I'm just going to put it out there. I started jotting some things down and thinking of some ideas. And I was crying before. So sorry if this gets out of hand and especially things being a bit gross and dirty and disgusting. I feel like this is Tony Lodge's wheelhouse and we're really going to see the real true Tony.

You like that, don't you? Oh, it's got a nice bit of pink there in the middle. Oh, quick, spit it out. I was thinking about asking for seconds, but now I've had that first round, I'm just ready for a nap. Sorry, I'm actually allergic to nuts. Oh, you've spilled a bit there. Do you want me to get a towel?

Oh, that's not how my mum does it. Ha! I was... Oh, I wasn't actually expecting it to get that spicy, so someone's going to have a sore butt tomorrow. Can you pass that spatula? Like smack the bottom. With a spatula?

Is that normal? See, I don't see that as normal bedroom language, but now again we're learning. You could say it in both. You could say, I don't say it in both. Let me be clear, I don't personally say it in both. I don't say it in both. I don't personally say it in both. These aren't all things that we can say personally, is it? No, because all mine have not been said by me. Oh, that's saltier than I was expecting. Oh, need some water.

I know you wanted this to be romantic, but having all those guys from the string quartet just watching us is kind of making it awkward. Oh, yeah. Sorry, that one took me a little minute. Uncle Jim, what are you doing here? Here's something I'd say at the dinner table and also while I was having sex. Hey, Tony. Yeah.

Should we record a podcast? God, I've been basting all afternoon. Oh, for God's sake, Tony, don't talk with your mouth full. Oh, I wasn't expecting a red sauce. You too can wear the Dolmio grin. Oh, well, they're not going to sponsor us now. Maybe they will. Oh!

I thought we were having a carbonara tonight, but we're having a bolognese. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. Maybe that one is in the bedroom and also if you're a turkey. All right, I think that's enough of that. Let's just move on before we break any. Yeah, fair enough. Sorry about that. Hey, this is Jared and Meow Quag,

and you're listening to a throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. So I saw this article the other day and it was about things that COVID has destroyed, basically. And it was quite sad. It was kind of talking about how is COVID the end of, like, meeting someone and shaking hands or kissing someone on the cheek or giving them a hug or all of these things. And it was pretty sad because it kind of wakes you up to think

about how much we actually touch each other in our daily life. You should thank your lucky stars, Tony Lodge, that we're not allowed within 1.5 metres of each other. Oh, gosh. Makes me sad every day. I mean, it could reach. What could? Nothing.

My arm. Good. Anyway, and it was basically talking about how. I'd love it to be out of reach. Oh, no, no, no. But I'd need probably 150 of me. It's one centimetre each. Oh, thanks.

I got you. You should have done the fucking doctorate. Looks like you already did. Yeah. Anyway, so. That's what I would have written it on. Mate. Oh, no, you go.

Should I just? No, no, you go. Do you want me to go? Let me just get my chair and settle in. Oh, no, because now when you sit down, there's pressure. Aw. Anyway, it was talking about all of these things and it kind of highlighted the amount that we touch each other, get close to each other. And, you know, if you're sitting at the football

and you're in a big grandstand of people, you're touching all these other people. Absolutely. Rubbing shoulders. Yep. And it made me think about something else that we won't be able to do anymore. And I'm really happy about it. What? COVID is the end of high fives. What kind of sick monster are you? High fives. You don't. Are the worst thing. What? In the world. There is nothing more awkward than someone being like, oh, good job. I hate it. I hate it. We've already discussed in this very studio about your need for real problems.

Please. What, like, sure, you might not be the biggest fan. You might not be an advocate. You might not write your PhD thesis on high fives and the impact of. But surely they can't F you off that much. I hate them. Why? They are so socially uncomfortable. And when someone goes like, oh, that much. I hate them. Why? They are so socially uncomfortable.

And when someone goes like, oh, great job, I hate it. And then, you know how when someone asks you to do a high five, they go like, oh, we've missed. Oh, do that thing where you look at my elbow. Great high five. It's just shit. It's just a shit conversation. Just like get away.

Get away from me. So how do you like to be like contributing to team vibe and someone says, hey, great job, oh, that was awesome. Just say that. We don't need a touch. And I'm a touchy person. You are. I would actually describe you as handsy.

Yeah, don't get me wrong. It's not that I have the problem with the hand contact. Then what is the problem? I just hate the energy of a high five. Do you like an elbow bump? No. Kiss on the mouth? I just hate the energy of a high five. Do you like an elbow bump? No. Kiss on the mouth? I'll take a kiss on the mouth.

But, like, I just don't think that a high five needs to exist. I hate the energy of them. Is it because it's, like, bro-y? It's not. It's just there's just something so awkward about a high five. I had this personal trainer once, right? Stopped going, obviously. Years ago.

And she was one of those personal trainers. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, like you do one push-up and then like, oh, you do one push-up and then you do five squats. And it just fucked me off so much it made me so angry that i actually i stopped going obviously um you stopped going to a personal trainer because she was overly generous with high fives yep what i will high fives what i will say to like support you on this thank you i feel like there needs to be more talk about consent when it comes to high fives because if only one person's real, like you both need to be really, if you're both committed to a high five, it's fucking great. And then also. You watch the footy, someone kicks a goal and they're like, yeah.

But when one person is like, one push-up, up top, and you're like. Oh, and you do the half-assed high five. Yeah, it's not, this is the difference. Both people keen, one person's keen. Yep. It's like patting a dead fish. It's just awful. But high fives just in general hate the energy of them,

hate the expectation. It's like someone's being like, my energy's here, you've got to do it. Okay, let's go through a few things here. You already said yes to an elbow bump? Yeah, an elbow bump is fine. What about a fist bump? You don't really do and the same, there isn't the same energy expectation of an elbow bump or a fist bump, so I'm fine with that,

but it's not my favourite. Meeting someone, you know how at the moment with COVID you do the elbow bump to meet someone? That's fine. I actually don't mind that, yeah. Do you know what I love? Sh you know how at the moment with COVID you do the elbow bump to meet someone? That's fine. I actually don't mind that, yeah. Do you know what I love? Shaking hands. I love a firm handshake.

Really? That doesn't bother me at all. Can we shake hands now or is that not kosher? Oh, no, we can't. Yeah. Can't touch each other. What about a butt tap? Depending on who it was.

Like, g'day champion, how's your day? Yeah, depending on who it was, but there's no energy expectation. You just need a butt? Yeah, like- And we got a couple in this room. A couple of butts. But also, obviously, that's not appropriate for everybody to do. What do you think about the French, like, kiss on the cheek, both sides?

Yeah, kiss on the cheek, love that. That's fine. What about a hug? Obviously, COVID permitting, yeah, a hug's great. So you'd rather a hug than a... But we're talking about a greeting, which is different because you don't have to match anyone's energy.

But if you're having a conversation with someone and you're like, oh, have you listened to Lorde's new album? They're like, yeah, how good was it? High five, yeah. I just hate that. Don't touch me. Let's talk about the album. But don't ask me to high five you or I'll die.

Probably not. It just occurred to me. Yeah. You and I have played beer pong together. Yeah. At regional Sam's house. Oh, yeah, we have. When PJ moved home.

Yep. And we played together and high fived multiple times. And I probably initiated now that I'm having that really anxious flashback of. Well, I wouldn't have initiated it. That's what I mean. And it just occurred to me now that I was that guy. And it's kind of like social pressure. If someone puts it, if someone raises their hand.

You've got to do it. Otherwise, what are you, the biggest asshole in the world? You're not going to meet a high five? Here's what you should do. Why? This will be your thing now. Other people do it and they go, oh, they're doing a Tony Lodge. Yeah.

Whenever someone raises a hand, spit on it. What? Like they put their hand up and they're like up top and you're like, yep. So there's been a couple of situations where someone has gone like, oh, great job. And they've gone with the hand up and I've gone, I don't like high fives. And they go, what? He doesn't like high fives. I'm like, I don't like high fives. And they go, what? He doesn't like high fives.

I'm like, I don't like high fives. I don't. They make me really uncomfortable. I can't match your energy. And my energy is always capped out. Always on. I'm always at 150%. Yeah.

But the energy for a high five just can't muster it. Do you say, I don't like that? Or should it just be more stern? Because we were talking about this strangely on the Business Bible podcast with relationships when you just – with negotiations, sorry. Instead of saying, like, oh, I don't think we can, you just say, we don't do that. Yeah.

So when someone goes, hey, up top, and you – instead of saying, I don't like high fives, just go, I don't high five. Yeah, I don't do high fives. And deadpan. You've got to be deadpan. I don't do high fives. But that's like – it's a boundary. You know it is.

Yeah. Well, I said there needs to be more consent about, there needs to be consent and boundaries around high fives. Agree. I want to put it on the record that I'm open and ready for a high five. Oh, you are such a high fiver. Is it because I'm wearing this shirt? No, it's also because you've played sport your whole life.

You're like a really lovely dude. You're super enthusiastic and you're super supportive. So I can imagine that if I said, oh, I did a push-up, you'd be like, oh, yeah, mate, high five. And you would do that. That conversation would never happen between the two of us. Because I'm not doing the push-up and you're not going to be watching me. Between the two, like we cover a lot of topics

when we're just hanging out. Exercise routines is not something you and I discuss because there ain't much for either of us to talk about. And because when I got in today, I said, right before I ate a Kransky, I said I was really upset this morning because I put on my denim jacket and it was like a straight jacket because it was that tight on my arms. And this one that I'm wearing now is Torbz. And if you've seen Torbz, he's a lot bigger than me.

He's a big guy. I actually thought you were going to mention something else. Oh, what? Earlier today you said, oh, my feet are really sore because I've got new runners. And I go, oh, yeah? How far do you run or walk? And you said, I went to the tram and sat on the tram

to go into the city to the dentist. Oh, you poor feet. How are you still standing? Oh, my God. Her runners have been worn in. It must be so hard on your feet to sit on public transport and let something else drive you to your location. I walked to the tram, though.

There's a tram stop at the end of your building. How far away is it? You could spit on it from your balcony. It's probably like 50 metres away. It's not very far. How are your feet? It's just, it's the back of my heel. Do you want to give a low five with our feet?

It's the back of my heel. I got some new like platform sneakers and it's just, it's just scratched the back of my heel. Don't you come over here for a high five because I'll shit myself. I'm not going to high five you. I don't do high fives. Ryan is standing in front of me with his hand up and I'm saying, I don't do high fives.

I'm setting a personal body boundary and I'd like it if you respected that. What do I do now? My hand is just up. Literally. So what are you going to do? You're like Barney Stinson on How I Met Your Mother. You can't high-five yourself. No, see, now you've got that hand up,

you're going to have to wait until you see somebody else today that is willing to high-five you. Well, we're in a lockdown. You're the only one I'm legally allowed to be in the same room in. So if I don't get a high-five from my wife on the way home, we'll just be me and the dog waving at each other all afternoon. I said there was something in the back of my car that led Bridget to believe that I was cheating on her and she confronted me about it.

Okay. You, Tony Felicia Lodge, started giggling like a schoolgirl as if you had something to do with this. But I don't think that's right. So what else has happened? Before I get to this story, what have you done in the back of my car? Well, so do you remember a few weeks ago when we weren't in lockdown and you and I went and had a bunch of professional photos taken?

Yes. And I... Which is the cover for the podcast. You've all seen it. And you messaged me the next day and said you left your shirt in the back of my car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Bridget, because you said to Bridget, oh, hey,

your shirt's in the back of my car, and she went, that's not mine. And then obviously an awkward conversation where you had to tell your wife that it was my T-shirt. Oh, this must be Tony. He's just throwing her clothes around in the backseat of my Volkswagen Golf. Oh, must be nice, Volkswagen. I just mentioned that because there's obviously not a lot of room

in a Golf to just be throwing things around. Could have been a Hyundai Get, so couldn't it? But it wasn't. It was a Volkswagen Golf. Things are going well. Yeah. Reversing camera and everything in that bad boy. It does, actually.

It is quite nice. It is quite nice. It's pretty nice. And I had to park a car the other day that didn't have that. Oh, God. I know. Once you've tasted the life of the reversing camera, you're like, but how do I know where the edge of the wall is? Oh, I can't believe it.

How did you open the door yourself as well? Or did Jeeves come out and bloody open the door for you? Yeah, and I said, Jeeves, you better have your gloves on. Don't you be putting your dirty little mitts in my car. Yeah, we're in a pandemic. Before I tell you what happened with Bridge, let me share this. Sorry, so this is a different. A different occasion.

Before I tell you this one, which far out, it's not looking good for me at the moment. Let me tell you about Chloe, who lives in Melbourne, who actually posted online a story about how she caught her husband cheating on her. Oh, Chloe, I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry, Chloe, but I reckon you're better off without this guy. They've got divorced.

Oh. Because once you hear his. That's a bloody expensive old business, isn't it? It really is. Divorce. Yeah. Far out. Yep.

Let me just read what she posted online. Okay. Which I'm sad for Chloe, but also, like I said, she's dodged a bullet because this guy sounds like an idiot because this is the worst excuse I've ever heard. I was doing my husband's tax and I found a receipt for a helicopter flight with champagne breakfast. But I, his wife, don't recall going on a champagne breakfast.

And you'd remember. You'd remember in a hot air balloon. So I asked. Was it a helicopter or a hot air balloon? Oh, sorry. No, no. It was a hot air balloon. I said the wrong thing.

It was a hot air balloon. Can said the wrong thing. It was a hot air balloon. Can you read? Apparently not. Apparently not. It was a... They both start with H. I can't do two H's. Does your butler normally read for you as well?

Yeah, he really does. Let me get this straight. Yeah. Hot air balloon. Hot air balloon. Which is romantic. Yeah, sorry, helicopter. That's just transport for, you know, regular rich people like me.

No. Hot air balloon is romantic. You go at sunrise, champagne breakfast, beautiful. You're definitely getting lucky after that. A hundred percent. If you're not. What have you done wrong? Check yourself.

Yeah. So the husband goes, oh, yeah, that was just with the boys. Imagine thinking that was going to work. All right, imagine this. Tony Lodge, you find a receipt for a hot air balloon champagne breakfast and you confront Torbs. And he goes, oh, yeah, me and Ryan just went for a sexy sunrise champagne and sipped on some sparkling.

No way. There's just no way. And so he backed that in. He was like, yep, me and the boys want to do this. And she obviously, like, sniffed around and realised pretty quickly that that didn't happen. It was like, show me a photo of the boys. So you're saying.

Yeah, she rang Damo and was like, mate, did you and Steve go and do this? Yeah. And he's like, no, that sounds like the most romantic date, not with the boys thing to do. So obviously Chloe gets to the bottom of it. Turns out he's been whining, dining. Sixty-nining. Whining, dining.

Sixty-nining as someone from the admin staff at his work. A work wife. A work wife. And he's now with the work wife and divorced Chloe. Oh, you'd be absolutely gutted, wouldn't you? I mean, but again, if someone's dumb enough to play the I was with the boys card, you're better off without them, I would have thought. And also leave the literal receipts.

He tries to claim it on tax. She does the books for his thing. So that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. One, why did he think he could claim that on tax? Yeah, what's the business he's doing with that tax write-off? Let's record next week's episodes in a hot air balloon and we're like, oh, it's for tax purposes. That's a good idea.

Do you reckon we could get away with that? Well, no, because it's locked down. We'll ask Chloe. We'll ask Chloe. But I'll tell you right now, no, because I've locked down it. And also to write stuff off, and there's a great scene from this that's on TikTok. You know when they're like, oh, who writes it off?

The government people. You need to earn an income to write stuff off again. Oh, we don't earn an income. We've got day jobs. I work at IGA during the day. So, all right. Let me tell you what happened with Bridget and I. Okay.

Chloe, our thoughts are with you. Do I need to be worried? Are you going down the same route? Are you not wearing your wedding ring? That's not good. I've actually worn my wedding ring in months. That's so weird to me that you never wear your wedding ring. I go through phases. Oh my god, I need to, do you know what the funniest thing ever that you've told me? This is a

story for everybody listening. Ryan told me once that he always takes his wedding ring off when he goes to the toilet because he's worried that it's going to get stuck up his bum. No, that's not true. That's not true. That's what you said to me. You said, I'm really worried that my wedding ring will get stuck. I don't want a wife and have less on my hands than when I put my hands on.

You don't want more either. I want to have and have less on my hands than when I put my hands on. You don't want more either. I want to have the same amount. You don't want to gain or lose anything on your skin when you're wiping your bum. That is for sure. So you said, I'm really worried that I'll take it off to wash my hands and then leave it in the bathroom. It'll go down the sink or up there or it'll drop in the toilet. So I like.

So you never wear it. It's very funny. But no, no. Like when I go to the bathroom, I put it in like in my pocket or something. And then often I just leave it there for the rest of the day. And then it gets stuck in the washing machine. Yeah. Yeah.

Either way. And you just bought a brand new washing machine. We have actually. That's interesting. You're really painting an interesting picture of how my life goes. Yeah, well you've got a great life. You've got a washing machine and a car. Whoa. We have. Yeah. That's interesting. You're really painting an interesting picture of how my life's going. Yeah, well, you've got a great life. You've got a washing machine and a car. Whoa. And you never wear your wedding ring. Anyway, how are things going with you and Bridget? Is it going south? So this time every year, maybe not as much in COVID, but this time

every year, a lot of people start thinking, which is ridiculous, summer's coming, I'm going to start getting fit. You know, hashtag summer body, bikini body, whatever that means. But it's like it's dumb but you're feeling me, right? Yeah, and it gets me every time. Yeah, it really does. So Bridge and I a few years ago said, okay, we're going to go swimming three times a week. We're going to do laps.

You've said the same thing to me. We talked about it last week. I'm a swim tease. So we're like, we'll go three times a week. So we went to Kmart and we bought like some towels. I got some boardies. Nice. We got some like sort of, you know, swimming stuff, bathers, bikini,

whatever you. Swimming stuff. Swimming stuff. So we're all, you know, all the gear, no idea bikini, whatever you... Swimming stuff. Swimming stuff. So we're all, you know, all the gear, no idea. Yeah. How many times do you reckon we went swimming? I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Don't.

And I'm going to say that you did it for a week. So you went three times. Lower. Oh, did you go at all? No, we didn't go a single time. You didn't even go once? Or maybe I went, but Bridget never went. Not a single time did she go to the pool. Oh my God. Okay. So about two weeks later, she goes to put something in the backseat of the car and there's a bikini

on the backseat of the car. So you hooked up with a bird while you were swimming? of the car. So you hooked up with a bird while you were swimming? Incorrect, Tony Lodge. Bridget says, whose are these? And I'm like, what do you mean? I've never really seen them. And she's like, oh, yeah, likely story.

Tell me right now. There's a girl's bikini, well, most bikinis are girls. There's a girl's bikini in the back of your car and I want answers. Whose are they and why are they not on said person? And I really like Bridget. You guys are really good friends. But she's quite scary. She can be quite scary. Can she?

Well, I can imagine her getting quite stern. Is that right? Can't you? A little editorial from Tony Leach? No, but I could like. You're talking about my wife. No, she's like so lovely. But the same way that I can go from zero to 100,

I can imagine that Bridget could go from zero to 100. Am I wrong? Does she not, can she not get quite stern? Not really. Oh, really? That's interesting that you think that. Good to know. Not that I think that because.

So anyway. God, you're not going to cheat on her with me. I can't really put my foot in it. Better to put your foot in it than a finger. Oh, I'll get you when you're in my bum. She said, I've never seen those bikinis before. They're not mine. And it turns out they were the ones that she bought.

That she never used. The reason she'd never seen them is because she never went to the ball and wore them. They were sitting there. They still had their tags on. They still had their tags on. They still had their tags on. It's clear she can go from zero to 100.

I wasn't wrong. Well, I'm glad to hear that there's nothing going wrong there. That's good to know. Thank you. I appreciate that. But maybe tell her to get her own stuff out of the car and my t-shirts also. Yeah, or maybe you'd remember wearing the bikini if you actually put it on

and went to the pool like we planned. Oh, aggressive. Well, who's turned now? That was aggressive. Who's turned now? Can I just put a little side note here? Uh-huh. We've talked about this before.

One thing I'm loving about lockdown is just remembering how much Bridget and I just really get along and hang out at home, just the two of us, and we're loving it. Yeah. So the other night, and I don't know if this is cute or, you know, when you think it's cute and everyone else is like, that sounds like the lamest thing ever. Yeah, or everyone else is like.

So we had the funniest night ever. Such a good time. We ordered chock tops and when they arrived, we decided they looked like little microphones so we pretended to do stand-up comedy to each other whilst talking into the chock tops. It's so sad. so we pretended to do stand-up comedy to each other whilst talking into the chalk tops. That is the cutest thing I've ever heard. Because we got the chalk tops and Bridget's like, these kind of feel like microphones.

Like, well, I was getting the aeroplane food and you were like... That is really funny. Maybe we shouldn't put this in the podcast and we should make a video out of it. Just do it. Who wants to drop a tight five? I'll call the Hoyt's Cinnamon. Yeah, call Hoyt's and we can make a video for them.

Thanks so much, guys, for listening to this throwback episode of Tony and Ryan. And thank you, Tony and Ryan, for asking me to host. This has been really fun. So my, you'll love to see it, is how this podcast has really brought us so much joy in the past seven months. We've had quite the couple of years, and it's been really great to collectively listen to the same podcast every day, now up to four times a week, and laugh together at all their jokes and hilarity, and take our minds off this pretty crazy world out there. For tomorrow's episode, the lovely Allie Duckett will be hosting.

Thanks for listening. Bye-bye.