Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: At the Deli and in the Bedroom

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

Throwback to dirty birdies at the Deli. Love ya!!! xCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, it's Producer Cam. For your throwback episode, you are listening to the Tony and Ryan podcast. Hello and happy Tuesday, everyone. It is Producer Cam taking you through a throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. Ryan's on baby leave and Tony's in space and didn't make it back through the wormhole in time. But she saw Alan Hathaway and they're having a great time. She sent me a message. She said, it rocks. That was a terrible interstellar pun. Coming up today, now, we all remember the time

Tony and Ryan went for a road trip to Sydney. And before that, we asked you about your road trip stories. I don't know how they're still friends. It amazes me day to day how they're still in each other's pockets and not ripping each other's head off. But let's kick it off. Back to a classic.

Things you can say in a deli and also in the bedroom. We are going to talk about things that you can say at the deli, like at the deli counter of a Coles or a Woolworths and also in the bedroom. Do you have an unfair advantage in this because you are a former deli worker? I'm a deli girl, yep. Also, can I note that a few tarpers actually said, I work in a deli and I've been waiting for this

and someone's about to start working in a deli. And I was like, take notes, mate. They're going to love it. I loved working in the deli. It was so much fun. But this wasn't actually my idea. A Jared B. Harris from the Facebook group popped this in. Thanks, Jaz.

Love that. So this is. Oh, no, you go. So this is. Oh, no, you go. So this is. Oh, I thought you were going to do like a joke like for too long. Yeah. Okay. So these are things you can say in the deli and also in the bedroom.

Did you want me shaved? Yes, thanks. Freshly this morning, if that's an option. Yep. That's fine. Who ordered the chipolata? That's funny because I was going to say this sausage is massive. Do you know in South African culture, they'll like curl it up.

Borvos. I will say, though, it is hard to curl up a chip of leather. Mortadella? I hardly know her. I saw... I think I saw someone in the group and I was like... Really? Yeah.

So after last week we were talking about the Ford Explorer and I said, Ford Explorer? I hardly know her. And everybody laughed and I thought, I can't let this go. No, please. This opportunity. I saw that and I was like, that's Tony's. Did you want me to wrap this up before I stick it in your trolley?

It's gone straight in my basket. Oh, fucking hell. I've been waiting in line for ages. How long until it's my turn? A lot of people here today. I might just grab a ticket and wait for everyone else to finish up. Okay. Well, this is for when you're waiting for your ticket number to get called.

Yeah. 69. Who wanted the 69? Oh, fuck. Let me hear it. Hey, Tony. Hey. Not only am I pleased to meet you, but I've got the meat to please you.

Okay. That was sexy. Thank you. Please refer back to the Chipolata joke. Are you sure you're married? No ring on there. Lost my ring in a dally. You can see my ring though.

Oh, you weren't supposed to slice it. That's painful. Yes. And it took me back to when people were messaging last week about the, remember they've had a few grooming injuries? Cut your clit clean off. Speaking of which, do you prefer cut or uncut? Did you have a preference, ma'am?

Sorry, sir, patrons aren't allowed to cook anything in my oven. Not these buns? Take your buns out of my oven, sir. If you're not sure if you want the whole thing, I can just give you a little taste. I love getting a little taste before you buy it. We've got to know what you're in for. Try it before you buy it.

Is that actually a thing? You worked in the deli. The people come in and go, can I just try that? Yep. And that's totally fine and normal? Yep. Okay, because I saw Dad do it once and he was like, can I just get one of those sun-dried tomatoes?

And he just like woofed it down and I was like, is this? Is it a fucking pick and mix so you can just get whatever you want? Yeah. Maybe it was the size of the sun-dried tomato or the way he just hoffed it down his face. But I was like, this doesn't feel right. It would depend for me. It's like a steak.

Can I just try that? Because people would like, oh, this is really fucking right. It would depend for me. It's like a steak. Can I just try that? Because people would like, oh, this is really fucking awful. They'd have the pierce? Yeah. Or they'd come in and they'd have like their kids with them and they'd go, oh, and can I get, can I get 250 grams of bologna and a couple of slices for the kids? And I'm like, well, I'm not just going to give you a heap of stuff. Like that's so weird.

So I would weigh up and I would hate this. I'd weigh up 250 grams give you a heap of stuff. Like, that's so weird. So I would weigh up, and they would hate this. I'd weigh up 250 grams. Put the sticker on it. And then I'd weigh up the 250 grams, print the sticker so it was the right price, and then I'd offer them the stack and say, here you go, you can take some pieces off. I'd never just give it to them for free. Yeah, no, that's theft.

Yeah, it is. And then they would be like, oh, can the kids try a Twiggy Stick? You fucking kids know what a Twiggy Stick tastes like. They can for $2.90. Yep. If you're buying some, yeah, I'll pop them on. How many would you like? Yep.

But, yeah, so I used to do it. Yeah, that would fuck me off. Yeah. Yeah. And because I just love to bear bitch. You would. That's what I would do. Too much power.

There's nothing more that a dally bitch at Coles loves more than a power trip. Yep, and that's exactly what I would do. I'm not getting power at home. I'm not getting power with the upper management of Coles, but you know who I'm getting power from? Jenny and her two fucking ugly kids. Yep, and her six cents worth of bologna that I won't give her for free. And I'll stand by that.

You pay for your bologna. I stand by that. Yeah. If I worked in the deli again, do the same thing. Anyway, this is the thing she can say. Oh, I love it when it's thick. Sorry. That I can't provide that for you.

Big night last night. Who was he? What's his name? We've gone different directions, I feel. Have we? Gone? I'm in the same. I thought you meant the dick.

Nah. I get what you're saying. And, you know, like after you've had a big night and it's... And it's... It's not great. You know, like how if you've been eating not that well or you've been drinking heaps. Yep.

Yep. Okay. Yeah. How much can I get for $3.50? All of it. I'm basically baloney. Platoni. That's very funny.

Thank you. This is for when you're buying a hot chicken. I thought next week was hot chicken in the bedroom. Oh, I love it when the legs are open. Oh, does that come pre-stuffed? Who stuffed that? I can. What's his name?

Yeah, hi. I'd love to get my hands on both the breasts and some of the thigh. Thanks. That's good. Does that still count as deli or am I heading in butcher territory? No, no, no, because in the deli that I worked in, it was fresh chicken as well. Yeah, thank you. Yep. Some of those

little chicken niblets, you know the ones with the sauce on them? Yeah. Fuck me up. They're so good. They're great. Oh, fuck, they're so good. So this one is because I worked in the deli when I was at uni. I haven't shaved like that since I was at uni.

I just let it go now Not awake at your house Except for Yeah What a great spread You can do this yourself but I prefer to buy it. You do a spread at home by yourself? I prefer Tony down at Carl's. Pretty well priced.

She does the best spread I know, and you can't beat the price. You're right. Best spread you know. That's actually really sweet. You're welcome. I hope that's in your vows one day My what? Your vows?

Yep What? No, don't fucking Sorry What did? Vows What did I say? Is what you said the first time

Then you said vows So when you get married Yeah You swap vows Vows Yeah Vows Yeah

Yep Vows Vows Vows Vows What the fuck are you talking about? You're saying vowels, which is like A-E-I-O-U. Yeah.

And vowels. I thought you would have spelt it V-O-W-E-L-S. That is vowels. That's like A-E-I-O-U. No, it's V-O-W-E-L-S. That is the one for like if you were going on Wheel of Fortune. Yeah. But Vows, like you say your Vows.

Yeah. V-O-W-S. I thought it was A-B-C-A-E-I-O-U. No, that's Vows. I fucking hate our language. Next podcast is in Spanish. Oh, see. Olé.

Hi. Yeah, having a few of the girls around tonight. How much porksword do I need to satisfy five of them? A lot. We'll take all of it. Yeah. Wrap it up. Hello, it's Producer Cam taking you through your throwback episode.

You are listening to Tony and Ryan. This Sunday, you and I are driving from Melbourne to Sydney, which I believe is nine to ten hours. Yeah, about that, I reckon. Now, my mum still doesn't know that when I asked to borrow her car, it was to drive it from Melbourne to Sydney. And she's currently, for anyone playing along at home, she's currently in the middle of the Outback,

and we mentioned it on yesterday's episode, Thursday's episode, but I don't think she's heard it because she's like in and out of reception. Yeah, she's busy doing stuff. If she had heard it, she would have messaged immediately. She did hear the other day and she was adamant that she's not taking photos with her iPad. Yes. That was her feedback.

But I asked the tarpers, the people that listen to this podcast, what could possibly go wrong on a car trip anyway? I mean, now that we've heard Wolf Creek, I mean, apparently a lot. What could go right? What could go right? That's a fucking easier question to ask. Charlie. Hi, Charlie.

Thanks for messaging this through, Charlie. Now, Charlie was a young mum and six-hour car trip with a newborn and a toddler. Six hours in the car. Already, I hate it. Yeah. I already hate it. At one point, says Charlie, we were stuck in traffic and it was loud

because of the roadworks or whatever. The baby gets hungry and starts screaming. And when you're in a small car, you can't, like, you know, cuddle them and do it. Well, you can't do anything. You can't do anything. Wow. Unless you pull over.

Wow. Maybe you can do some things. Oh. So Charlie, who's in the passenger seat of the front seat, let me just read. It got to the point where I leaned over between the two front seats into the back seat and just shoved my tit in the newborn's mouth. I flopped my person over and just stuck my boob in her mouth

to shut this baby up. Pays to have big boobs. Pays to have big boobs. Just fucking launch them over the back seat. So if you just picture yourself in the passenger seat of a car, the kind of move you'd need to do to kind of, you're kind of half over the back, you're stuck in between the two seats. Twist backwards.

You're all twisted and mangled. You can imagine the mess you're in, right? Especially if you use the word, I just dunked my boob in a baby's face. I'd prefer you use the technical term. Tit. Shoved tit. Shoved my tit in its mouth. So she's arse up, right?

The arse is up in the middle. Her feet are in the front seat. Her boobs are in the back seat. She's like half in the seat belt. Yeah. I'm all twisted and tangled doing this move. My arse is up in the air. So my toddler thinks it'll be hilarious to pull my pants down,

at which time the traffic starts moving again and everyone sees my bare ass, my toddler slapping my bare ass and my boob flopping around on a baby's face. Good luck with the road trip, says Charlie. I'm not putting my tit in your mouth. Could you tell that's what I was angling for? Whether you're crying, bloody murder,

not putting my tit in your mouth. There's going to be a moment where I'm going to go, jeez, I'm a bit hungry. And then I'm going to look over at you and you'll be like, no. No, Ryan. You can have chips or snakes. No tits.

Not yet. Trinity was doing the drive from Perth to Broome. Now, Toni, how many times have you done that trip? 17 or 18. Jeez, what? Yep. And how long is the, how many hours? It's like two, it's like 2000 Ks. So it's like two full days in the car. Like 10 hours a day, stop somewhere and 10 hours again the next.

Yeah. So we used to wake up at like 4am. This is like our family holiday. Every single year, every July school holidays, 4am we'd wake up, dad would like carry us all into the car, start driving and we would all be asleep until a regular time. We'd drive the whole way. We'd drive till about 8pm that night. Then the following day we'd drive from like 7am and normally get to Broome around 3 or 4pm. That is a crazy. And then have to like set up our camper trailer.

And so we did it every single year. So like I relate to not only the story about driving to Broome, but also driving with a baby because mum and dad, like when I was a tiny baby, it would be like my brothers and sisters. So I've got two sisters and a brother. So it would be like them trying to like keep me happy in the back seat. Mum and dad would be in the front. And obviously it was like almost 30 years ago.

So if I was crying, mum would like nurse me in the back. You can't do that anymore. But back in the day. Back in the day, yeah. Back in the day, yeah. Did you, is there many emus on the road out there? Yeah, and like heaps of different types of animals. So Trinity is doing the trip and this emu runs in front of the car.

Now this is a bit of maybe a trivia game show, if you will. Yeah. She slams on the brakes and in the back seat of the car is her dog, a bottle of vodka and a carton of 12 eggs. This is like a fake maths equation. If Trinity has a dog and only one animal at a time, that's exactly what this is.

How many eggs does Trinity have? She slams on the brakes and as you can imagine, stuff from the back seat is flying into the front about to hit the windscreen. She's only got two hands. What do you save? The dog, the vodka, or the eggs? You can only save two of the three.

The vodka's going to do the most damage. Your heavy glass bottle. Yeah, so I'm thinking probably. But I feel like you've got to do the soccer mum arm. Yeah, yeah. You know when we're in the car together and I always do that, like the soccer mum arm? It's really cute because Tony drives like a psycho.

That is actually not true. I'm a very good driver. Good, but like you get revved up and you're zero to 100. We've talked about this. My little Yaris. So sometimes you'll get fired up and you'll speed and then slow down. But you do, you put your arm out when you slam the brakes on to protect me and I appreciate that.

Yeah. You will do that. Okay, I'm finding the line. Hand out, yes. Dunk, boob, tit, face, no. Like in the middle, that's our friendship. So what do you choose out of the two? You said the vodka does the most damage.

The vodka's going to do the most damage and the eggs are going to be a mess. If you were a dog owner, you would not have. No, no, no, but I'm not going to, I'm just thinking about what could do the most immediate damage. But obviously like I'm going to, I think the dog's probably going to try and save itself. Dogs are smart. Dogs are like the smartest animals ever. After BJ cuddled you all day yesterday,

you're going to let him fly and hit the windscreen. But the other stuff's going to do more damage and potentially hurt the dog. Trinity, rightly so, protected the dog first and then thought, oh, broom's a pretty tough area. I'm going to need that vodka. So she saved the vodka. Yeah.

Twelve eggs slammed into the front windscreen and the stuff just went everywhere. That's, oh, what a mess. You know how it's like a cliche to be like, oh, how hot is it out there? Oh, you could fry an egg on that. Yeah. On the way to broom, it's literally that hot, isn't it? Yeah, it's so fucking hot.

So she said not only were the eggs sitting in the front, what do you call the tray, the dashboard? Oh, yeah, yeah. Not only are the eggs cracked on the dashboard, she continues the drive and they're like. Bubbling away. Sipping away. Oh, my God, a snack.

Oh, she's made the right choice. She can hang out with the dog, have a drink, and fucking have a fried egg. What a my God, a snack. Oh, she's made the right choice. She can hang out with the dog, have a drink and fucking have a fried egg. What a win. What a win. I hope she had some bread in the car or something. Some barbecue sauce. Tomato, though. Never barbecue.

Tomato, though. Nah. What? I'd have barbecue on anything. What? Are you joking? Barbecue sauce sucks ass. I hate barbecue sauce.

It's sticky. It's sweet. It's awful. You've described every sauce. They're all sticky. They're all sweet. Yeah, but are you actually a barbecue sauce guy? I would happily never have tomato sauce or ketchup ever again in my life.

There's no moment where barbecue sauce won't get the job done better. Get completely and utterly fucked. Have you not had this conversation with my wife? I have it on everything and she gets really fucked off. I'm the same but with tomato sauce. Okay. Road trip, get both kinds of sauce. Yeah, both have to fit in the car, which is the cup holder.

Instead of our Frank Green water bottles, it's just a tomato and a barbecue sauce. Yeah, both have to fit in the car, which is the cup holder. Instead of our Frank Green water bottles, it's just a tomato and a barbecue sauce. Don't tell your mum. No, there'll be sauce everywhere. Eggs flying around. Eggs flying around. I was going to say tit juice. I meant milk.

Milk is the word I was looking for because we were talking about the tit and the tit. It's called milk. I meant to say milk. Oh, me tit juice is gone everywhere. I used to think that, you know how I like soy? Yeah. I actually like the taste of it.

Yeah. I thought it was because I didn't have tit juice as a child. I was about to say, didn't you? But obviously. And then someone goes, oh, but like you can have formula that's not soy. And then mum goes, yeah, you could have, but you just didn't like it. And I thought for 30 years of my life it was like because I had to have soy. And it turns out that's not correct at all.

It's like an adoptee thing. Yeah. I've been adopted, soy. Yeah. But mum just goes, nah, you just said you liked it, so I kept buying it for you. And I was like, oh. Oh.

I thought I had. Okay, sure. But also like a cow milk is not human. Like I don't have that as a child. I know. I didn't put two and two together for 30 years of my life. Well, I mean earlier this week we both said that you were conceived on your mum's mattress. Yeah.

We don't really understand how we're both still of the belief that the stalk drops the baby off. Yeah, and that's all you really need to know. Yeah, and watch out for that tit juice. All right, speaking of juice in the car. Nice. I love juice. Well, don't be careful because this is a story from Alex Fiasco,

and let me just say. What a fiasco it was. Named a fuck appropriately. Okay. Actually, there's one part of this story that will send you more than anything else. And it's not the obvious thing. Okay. Let me just read what Alex said.

And again, after hearing these stories, aren't you just revved up for a fucking road trip? Yeah, I'm really pumped. Alex fiasco. Me and my boyfriend were driving to a wedding. And being the – just let it be known I'm reading what he said. Okay. And being the suckling pig that I am,

I was suckling on his pork sword while he was driving. Okay, so no tit juice but nut milk instead. Yep. Alternative milk, 60 cents. This next bit is going to – I can't unsay this. Oh, my God. Okay. And you going to, I can't unsay this. Oh, my God. Okay. And you listening, you can't unhear this.

So Alex, he's suckling on a pork sword. When I'd completed my task, there was just so much volume compared to normal. I don't know if he was excited for the wedding, but it was just a lot. I wasn't expecting it, and it ended up all over his shirt and some of my shirt as well. On the way to the wedding, we had to stop and buy new clothes because the other clothes had... What?

You know, because it's obviously stain and it's a bit of a gross product there. Now this is the bit that's really going to throw you. Why didn't they pack spare clothes? Well, it wasn't like they're going away for the weekend. They were just driving to the wedding. So they had to buy like wedding outfits on the way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

So I thought you were like, oh, they're driving for a weekend away? No, no, no. Oh! Yeah, yeah. So like imagine he's wearing like black suit pants or whatever and if you get a bit of white spilled on them. Oh, they're not good. I know.

For cum on them? Actually, I couldn't think of a worse piece of clothing to get. Yeah, because it's like that's synthetic. Just stick and the white on the back. Yeah, so when I said like they had to like go and get new suits. Yeah, no wonder brides wear white. Doesn't show up. Well, she is all dressed in white.

The bride who wore black. What a mistake. That's an error. And because of this, and this is what's going to throw you more than the rest of it. Yeah. They were late. Late to a wedding.

Could you imagine? Is that not the worst event you could be late to? The bride and the groom are standing there. Stop. Holding hands. You know, doing the thing. She's walked down the aisle. And they fucking stumble in.

They roll in and someone goes, why are you late? I was sucking his dick and we had to buy new clothes. You. Alex Fiasco by name. Finish the joke. Finish the joke. Alex Fiasco by reputation. Except I'm imagining that they, like, stopped at a service station

and the T-shirt says, like, I love Perth or something. You go and stop at a service station and go, doshirt says, like, I love Perth or something. You go and stop at a service station and go, do you sell Hugo Boss pants in a 36? Oh, sorry, we've sold out of the 36. We've got a 34 long night. Well, that's not going to do. So they end up wearing, like, a tourist T-shirt. It's $3 off if you get a bottle of milk.

They go, do you have soy? I was adopted. Thank you for sticking around through this painful voice. Producer Cam taking you for another throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. As always, we love to do a little shout out

whether you love to see it. This comes from our Tony and Ryan podcast Facebook page. Go ahead and join it now. Have some fun. There are so many people to get along with and such a great community in there. I absolutely love to see it every morning. This is from Liana Brunettin. This absolutely speaks volumes to me. I'm going to scream this from the fucking skyscrapers. I've been single for three years now, she says, and I decided to take myself out on a date last weekend. Oh, I got all dressed up, did my hair and makeup and went to a dinner date with me.

I wouldn't have done this years ago, but learning to love myself and I actually enjoyed it more than I would have with the people I've dated in the past. Liana, that has absolutely brightened my fucking week. I've done that once. I took a little book to read. I also took a little writing book, which I started getting a bit nervous about because every time the waiter came over, I thought that he thought that I was like a restaurant reviewer eating dinner by myself and writing shit, but I was like, no, I'm just writing about how delicious the wine tastes.

Please. But anyway, I'd fucking love to see that, Leanna. Keep doing it. I think we all got to book in ourselves our little dinner. Actually, I'm going to go for dinner by myself right now, actually. I've got no one to love me so I might as well do it now. Anyway, thank you. I'm going to see you tomorrow with another throwback episode of the Tony and Ryan podcast. This is Producer Cam.

You've been beautiful, my darling. See you soon. Bye.