Toni and Ryan - THROWBACK: Audio Queen

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

No Ryan today - so my brand new co-host Toni is helping me out! It's Toni SQUARED for a beautiful Wednesday. Love ya! Toni xx Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name's Tony. Ryan is absent. I will explain why in a second. We're about to call another Tony for approval, and I'm hoping that she can do me a little bit of a favor. Hello? Hi, is that Tony? Yes, is that Tony? Oh my God, Tony, it's Tony. How are you? How are you, Tony? I'm good, Tony. Oh, my God. It's like calling my own voicemail. And you know what, too?

We're actually the same person in my opinion. Are we actually? Why? What did I do wrong? Well, we're both Tony. We both have glasses. We're both from Australia. We both have blonde hair.

But you're an audio engineer. engineer, I'm an actual engineer. Oh, okay. Well, that is a bit abrasive, isn't it? It is a bit. Well, I'm sorry for letting the Tonys down by not being an actual engineer. That's really embarrassing on my part. No, you're an engineer. You're an engineer.

Well, Tony, I'm glad to hear that you're very smart and very capable because in case you haven't noticed, it's just me on the phone because Ryan called in sick. Oh, my God. Just like him, isn't it? I know. So I'm going to need you to approve the podcast, but also I'm going to need you to give me a hand at co-hosting.

Is that okay? Oh, my God. Absolutely. Oh, great. All right. Well, wehosting. Is that okay? Oh, my God. Absolutely. Oh, great. All right. Well, we're off to a flying start. Oh, my God.

This is so exciting. Hi, it's Tony. Coming up on today's podcast is Audio Queen in a few weeks. So... What's your day job, mate? Well... At the moment. Yeah, I mean, I just quit, so maybe I'm going to lose my skills.

But sound engineer. I cut stuff, make it sound schmicko make it sound great but try to try to do your best um now you tony is actually quite good at it tony is actually quite good at it thank you so much for that fuck you i'm trying to give you a compliment it is literally my career i know that's what i'm saying tony's actually quite good at that thing that she does every day no has for 10 years. No, because you and we can be like a bit condescending. She's actually quite good at it. Not condescending.

What's the word I'm looking for? Self-deprecating. Yeah. And you go, oh, yeah, it's just my day job. I try my best. Ha-ha, there's no. You are actually very good at it. Tony's actually all right at that, I believe is what you said.

Remind me never to give you a compliment ever again. I am a bit nervous, though, about Audio Queen today because we're in a different place. And today's producer, Scooter Derek, shout out, I don't want to smash up his beautiful room. So Audio Queen, I'm going to have to just keep my wits about me. I disagree. Derek, would you prefer Tony to get right into it and give it everything?

Yeah, he's nodding. He's nodding. He's pumped. All right. Well, I hope I don't smash up any of your expensive shit, Scooter Derek. Okay. Well, actually, this first one's interesting. Okay.

Having sex in space. Oh, well, there's no sound in space, so see you later. In the rocket? In the ship? Oh, I don't know. How about you let me read my story, mate? Okay, sorry, mate. Science.

Sorry for fucking. Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story. Scientists you let me read my story, mate? Okay, sorry, mate. Science. Sorry for fucking. Don't let the truth get in the way of a good story. Scientists, this is a true story, though. Scientists are trying to work out how a couple might be able to have sex when movement is tough because there's no gravity or low gravity in sometimes. And apparently if you, like, change position or go too hard, it could send them flying across the space capsule.

Because the negative. You bump into each other and you go flying the other way. And because people are spending longer in outer space, you know, in maybe 100 years. Who? Oh, I thought you meant now. Oh, well, Branson and who's the other... Bezos, they've been up there and stuff.

Eventually people will stay overnight and for a week. So they're kind of going, well, if people are going up there for years at a time and they, you know... Want to get sexy. How does that actually work? Male astronauts struggle to sustain an erection without gravity. Really? Physicist and astronomer John Mills with a PhD told BuzzFeed.

Pretty huge dick. Male arousal would be challenging in space, though still technically possible. Female astronaut. This is pretty graphic, actually. Vaginal wetness could be an issue as fluid like sweat and tears tend to pool at the location of secretion in the absence of gravity. So when your tear doesn't stream down your face,

it just sits in the one spot. So you can do the math for the rest. So NASA has started testing about how they can do the deed in outer space. I never thought about the impact of gravity or zero gravity on like your bodily functions. If only there was an audio queen who could give us an idea of what this kind of... How am I going to...

So here's what you've got to keep in mind. Okay. He's struggling to sustain an erection without gravity. Fucking hell, yep. Fucking space. She is struggling with vaginal wellness. That deserved a bigger laugh because I said fucking hell and then I said, ah, fucking space.

Put it in the show notes and remind me to laugh then. Okay, all right. Fuck, you're on fire today, bud. And they've also got people from NASA watching, taking notes. This is what that would sound like. All right. Beep. This is the...

Control room. The control room buzzing. Houston, it's Houston. Beep. All right, guys, we're going to take it from the top again. Yep, male astronaut, if you could remove your pants, that would be great. And female astronaut, if you could take your pants off as well,

that would be awesome. All right, and we're going to take it from the top. Thank you so much, guys. Beep. Oh, I'm really struggling to keep an erection, even though I'm so smart and I am an astronaut. Not smart enough to get it out. Oh, yeah, is it in? Oh, no, that bit.

Is it in? Oh, no, you floated away. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Come on. Oh, the penis. The penis is floating. All right, guys, we're going to have to take one more time.

Okay. Penis! The penis is floating! Bib! All right, guys, we're going to have to take one more time. I can't. Imagine, though, that you're trying to, yeah, like, get it on and they're, like, bumping away from you. There was, like, a high school saying about people,

like, guys who finish too early. It's like, one pump Peter. Oh, one pump Peter. Oh, yeah. But imagine he does one pump and pumps her across the room and she just floats away into outer space. Yeah, like Apollo 13, Apollo 69. Tom Hanks that.

All right, next story. Now, this is a different one. I hope so. I am just going to give you a part of the headline and you're just going to assume what the story is and then after we've heard the audio queen, I'll then tell you what the story is. Okay, nice.

what the story is, and then after we've heard the audio queen, I'll then tell you what the story is. Okay, nice. The mother of six said pulling out was never an option. So what you're about to hear is the mother and the father having the discussion about why pulling out was never an option because, and to quote the mother, that's not who she is. Pulling out isn't an option. Mother of six.

Look, the thing is, sweetheart, yeah, right there, yeah. The thing is I just love it when you're biffing me. Biff, biff. And, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, like we've got five kids. Like we cannot go. Marianne, we cannot go again. Oh, yeah.

Oh, no, I think just do it. I think just do it. No, I can't do it. Yes, just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. No, I can't.

Oh. Fast forward nine months. Six babies. Six babies. That was unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen, the audio queen. See, still good at it. Tony is pretty good at this, actually.

Do you want me to read you the story? Please. How far off was I? When I point to you, do that again. Just a little bit of it. Okay. You might actually know this news story when I read it. The construction company Metricon is currently at risk of a financial collapse and customers who have entered contracts

to build their dream houses are unsure whether to pull out of the deal or to keep going. So it wasn't actually about the husband biffing in the wife at all. Jessica Snowden, mother of six, said pulling out was never an option because they're continuing to build their dream house and they're hoping construction doesn't get interrupted. If you want to know what building your dream house sounds like

and construction not getting interrupted, it sounds like this. Don't. I want you to biff me. So I wasn't the only one who, when I saw the headline on news.com.au that said, mother of six said pulling out wasn't an option. I'm not mature enough to not go, hang on a sec, folks. Oh, no. So then I commented.

Oh. I just went, oh, the old pull-out debate continues, I see. I'm guessing we know where the mother of six stands on this issue. And I will describe the reactions as mixed. I was going to say, were they positive or negative? There are a lot of people saying, like, well played, I see what you did there. And there are some other people going, like, you know,

a family of eight are about to lose their house, right? And when I heard that, I was like, yeah, but, like, funny joke for the eyes? Yeah, well, I mean, six kids. That's kind of what I said. I came home and told Bridget and she goes, they're about to lose their house, right? And I was like, oh, so you're on their side. All right. Okay, this is so you're on their side. Alright.

Okay, this is a fucking classic. This is one of the great stories. Before we even get to the audio queeniness of it, this is unreal. A writer who wrote a book titled How to Murder Your Husband is currently on... Have you seen this story? Yeah, I saw it a few

months ago when it first started coming out. What a fucking idiot. She's written a book called How to Murder Your Husband. She's currently on trial in Oregon for the murder of her husband. Yep. I mean, you've got to try before you buy. She wasn't going to expect people to buy the book if she hadn't gone through with it herself.

I expect sales to go through the roof. Let me just read a few of the interesting notes from the opening arguments from both sides of the lawyers. The 71-year-old writer bought a gun off eBay and a week later her husband was shot with the same type of gun that she purchased. How could it have possibly happened? CCTV footage shows the 71-year-old writer

parking out the front of his workplace and walking into the building holding the gun at the time of death and then 10 minutes later leaving the building she also checked about and increased his life insurance the day before she did it she claims what a coincidence it's all just one big coincidence. This is what the 71-year-old writer, who was originally from Texas, by the way, this is what she said in court as she was discussing the coincidences and trying to say that they were, in fact, just coincidences.

Southern Texas. What I don't understand is how you think I killed a man in 10 minutes. No man can get anything done in 10 minutes. Take him all day. Though if I had to tell you the last thing my husband did for me took 10 seconds, no wonder I killed him. been dead for me took 10 seconds. No wonder I killed him.

He deserved to die. But I didn't kill him. Oh yeah, it wasn't me, but... Hey, it's Tony from Sydney, and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. For a limited time, switch to Shopify point of sale, and you could save up to 20% and improve your bottom line. We're so serious about savings, we've made this ad 20% shorter. That means you get six seconds back. Just enough time to visit Shopify.com slash POS20.

Now that's an efficient ad. Eligibility requirements apply. See Shopify.com slash POS20 for details. So I want to talk about a time when you think that your hometown might have disowned you or a reason that your hometown could disown you. Why you should get disowned from your own town. Yeah, or why your fucking citizenship for the town that you live in should be removed.

Yeah. So I am not a Victorian technically. Well, you're not at all. But I consider myself a Victorian. I am a very proud Melbourneite. Really? Don't you think? That is.

I'm a proud Melbournian. That is the most Perth thing you've ever said. I know. Because everyone who grows up in Perth, Western Australia, which is technically not even really Australia. No. Most isolated city in the world. Most isolated city in the world.

They all grow up wishing they were from Melbourne. Over east? Over east. And for you to now come over east, come to Melbourne and gloat and call yourself a Melbournian is the most Perth thing I've ever heard. Does it count, though, that I've, like, don't want to say made it, but, like, I've made it in Melbourne? You've made a life for yourself.

I've, like, made my, like, my. Your life is here now. My family is here. Like, Torbs is my family and we live here. You work here and you're doing your thing here. Yeah. Does that count? I haven't come for a year and then I'm going to go back and move back in is my family and we live here. You work here and you're doing your thing here. Yeah. Does that count? I haven't come for a year and then I'm going to go back

and move back in with my mum. I can't. You can't do that. Yeah. You'd have to do all the cleaning. Cemetery is very expensive. And full. Is someone sleeping next to you?

Yeah. I fucking hope not. Camping on a whole new level. Question. Question. The Australian federal election is a few weeks away. Yes. Where are you registered to vote?

Richmond. Really? City of Yar, yes. Okay, are we getting closer? I take democracy incredibly seriously. Anybody that has enrolled to vote, which should be every single person, make sure that you go and vote in a couple of weeks. Okay, thank you for that speech.

Very important because I care about Victoria and I care about the federal government. Are we about to hear why you may be disowned from Victoria? Yeah. So I did something so incredibly embarrassing that I looked around to make sure that the police weren't watching me. What? Because you're usually a stickler for the rules.

Yeah, I don't ever not follow the rules and I like to make sure that I'm on top of everything, hence me changing my fucking address to vote. I've been registered to vote in Victoria for five years now. As soon as I moved, I was like, yeah, I'm a Victorian. I live here. Does this story have something to do with the time we hung

out with Christian Hull? No. Because when I saw you try to do a hook turn. That was my, in my defence, that was my first one ever. I had been avoiding hook turns for five years. Again, a local Victorian wouldn't be avoiding hook turns. They'd know how to actually fucking drive. Well, you also can't drive when you're five. So if I've lived here for five years, I'm ahead of the average Victorian. A five-year-old Victorian has been in Victoria for 100% of their life.

Yep. And you've been how old are you, 42? Yep. Yep, that's accurate, 43 next month. So you've lived here for 8% of your life. Yep, and that's fine. Don't check those numbers. I'm also not 43.

The other day I was on the tram. That's a very Melbourne thing to be doing. It is a very Melbourne thing to be doing. I catch the tram a lot. You do. Because when I go into the dentist, because I have to go to the dentist like every five minutes because of my Invisalign. Yeah.

And it's in the CBD, so it's one tram away from my house. And the parking's awful in the city. The parking is a pain in the ass. Yeah, catch a tram, easy. Avoid the fucking hook turns, get on the tram. Easy as fuck. I get on the tram and you know how when the things haven't loaded up yet to tap on and it says, like, starting up?

And so I hadn't yet tapped on and I was, like, watching it to make sure and I was kind of standing a bit further back because it was quite full on the tram. Okay. So you were illegally riding the tram. Yep. Which is pretty Melbourne, actually. Most people don't tap on.

I was going to say, if you're claiming to be not Melbournian because you're not paying for public transport, I'm going to correct you right there. That's the most Melbourne thing. Maybe you are from here. Maybe that's what will get you over the line. So I'm watching the thing and it's like finally it says, oh, you can tap on.

I am so entranced by the fact that I haven't tapped on yet. I'm like locked onto this thought that without realising, I stepped forward to tap on as the tram moved. Oh, you're a fucking, yeah. Did you end up on your face? Yeah, you stacked it. You stacked it. Yeah, I fell over on the tram.

And I hit someone in the face on the way down. I just fucking bolted over and I smacked this poor woman with my bag because I was holding my bag. And anyway, I hit this woman and I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. She was like, are you okay? And I was like, oh, my God, yeah, I'm fine. I'm so sorry. I tapped on and then I sat back down and I was like so embarrassed.

I was like, people are going to think I don't live here. Falling over on the tram, how fucking embarrassing. You tried to take it. See, when it moves and when it starts to take off and when it slows down and stops, that's when you really got to lock in, lock your feet in, let gravity do its work, hold you up. I normally stand without holding anything on the tram. That's how Melbourne I am.

Well, apparently not. I reckon everyone saw you fall on the tram and went, is that bitch from Perth? Literally. That is exact. I was like, everybody is looking at me right now thinking she's a tourist. She's clearly not voting in this area. She's a visitor.

And I felt so alienated in that moment and I thought, any Victorian citizen person. Take the card right back. Take it fucking off me. Take my my key, snap it in half and fuck off. Put it on the Nullarbor train and send it over. I was so embarrassed and I thought that is the least Victorian thing that I could have done in that moment. My car's registered here. I would have had to leave it. I would have had to walk back to Perth. I was so fucking

embarrassed and it made me think, what is something that your hometown or where you live and where you wish your hometown was, like in my case, what would make your hometown disown you? Have some people got some examples? I put this in the group and I'm so glad I wasn't alone. Nobody else unfortunately said, oh, I've fallen over on the tram, so it's just me. Good to know that no one else is a fucking idiot.

That's good to hear. Jack Maloney said he's also from Melbourne and mentioned how it's famous for its coffee. But I hate the taste. I'm often scolded for this opinion. He hates coffee. Straight up doesn't like coffee. Yeah, and Melbourne is like coffee culture, coffee vibe.

And it reminded me a little bit of my friend Ryan Jonathan. Right fucking at me. I love coffee. Don't drag me in with, what's the guy's name? Jack Maloney. Don't chuck me in a category with fucking at me. I love coffee. Don't drag me in with, what's the guy's name? Jack Maloney. Don't chuck me in a category of Jack Maloney. I love coffee. Because you just scolded me for fucking being anti-Victorian,

saying, well, I fucking lived here my whole life. I have. I know everything. I've bought here, mate. Yeah, I was born here. Born in Moonee Ponds. Yep. But you don't like coffee either.

I do like coffee. Oh, but you'd prefer it when it's, you know, the Makona latte packet. Do you or do you not drink those latte packets with the sugar and the milk powder in them? How dare you? Do you? Do you drink those? Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love those latte packets.

Because the cafe downstairs from work is closed, sometimes, daily. I don't think that any Victorian would ever sometimes drink a latte. There isn't a cafe near work and if I'm craving a coffee and I can't be bothered walking to 7-Eleven. Also, probably sacrilege. They're only a dollar. I will sometimes get a Macona pre-mixed just add water mocha. There's a coffee machine in this office as well.

Where? Like a proper one in the big kitchen. That's too far away from my studio. Oh, mate. Nowhere's too far for a Victorian. Oh, how deep. I'm from here. I get it.

I know. I can't believe you'd bring this up on our podcast. Well, mate, I just don't want you to get away with it. What you're doing is illegal. Someone once said that the mocha is a gateway coffee. It's for when children grow up with a hot chocolate, they want to be a coffee person in the future. They migrate to.

And then they slowly go into a mocha. And then I don't know if you noticed when you were hanging out with some of my friends Liam and Ryan when we were in a few weeks back. Yeah. That someone mentioned mocha as a joke and Liam like stared at me and I stared at him back because he was like, I fucking know one of them. I'm like, don't you fucking see me now?

Don't you throw me under the bus here. I've just done it on our podcast. Because my gateway of mockers is into its 17th year. Yeah, it's not really an excuse when you're 35. I'm just transitioning. I'm just trying to, you know, get into it. I'm just not really into coffee. I love coffee, but sometimes I want something sweet.

Do you know what mine was? What? Caramel latte. Oh, that's fucking basic and fucking delicious. Yes. So good. Tell me what some other people have done. It's full of milk and sweet stuff. Let's move on from me being awful. Alright.

Ruben Bosch said, fucking hell, I live in Volendam in the Netherlands and fish is holy here but whenever I eat fish, my throat bloats from the inside. I'm guessing that's not a good thing. Does anaphylaxis count? Can you be thrown out for being allergic to something

that your hometown loves? You didn't like fish? See you later, mate. Yeah, it's like, have you watched the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? No. Oh, and her fiancé is a vegetarian. Oh, my God. And the Greek auntie is like, it's okay, it's okay, I'll make a lamb.

He's like, no, it's still me. It's so funny. I completely understand. Here is the beef. Brooke Fitzsimmons says, this fucking sent me. I live in a small town called Morton in Illinois, USA. It's known as the pumpkin capital of the world. Really?

And each year there's like this massive pumpkin festival. Of course there is. One year I went to Vegas during the weekend of the festival and her parents were shocked that she was depriving her child of the pumpkin festival. They were like, well, Brookie, what about little Tiffany? You can't take Tiffany to Lost Lake. She needs to experience the pumpkins. The pumpkin festival.

The pumpkins, they're everywhere. What is she going to do, have soup made of tomatoes? I don't fucking think so. Potato and leek, we don't even know her. Oh, what do you do for Halloween? Stuff an apple. Wouldn't have thought so. What do you do for Halloween? Stuff an apple? Wouldn't have thought so. What do you do at Christmas at Starbucks?

Oh, get a spiced banana latte? Fuck right. I didn't know where you were going with that. That's very funny. What else has pumpkin in it? I want another one. I just want one more. Have you got one more?

What do you have on the side of a roast? Baked shoe. I was definitely better at these jokes, wasn't I? Okay. What's one more pumpkin thing? Halloween, Christmas. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving. Oh, pumpkin pie. What are you going to have? Apple. Oh, no, that's not it. All right, thank you so much for hanging around for a Best Of episode. Sorry that Ryan called in sick. But Tony and I, yeah, that's two Tonys, Tony Squirt.

Are you still there, Tony? I'm still here. All right, do you want to hear my You Love To See It for the day? Absolutely, I do. All right, so if anybody's interested, we do have a Tony and Ryan Facebook group. You can join and you can share whatever you want to share and we've got all types of different bits and pieces. And somebody called Sarah, she owns a cake business here in Melbourne

and she shared a life-size remake of a cake shaped and decorated exactly like our Frank Green water bottle. Did you see that? I saw that. That looks incredible. Isn't it the most amazing thing you've ever seen? Yes, and it looks exactly like it. I literally, if I saw that in real life,

I would try to drink out of it. I'm not even joking. It's like these videos where they have the cake that looks like a real object and you can't tell what's what. Oh, my God. Have you seen that show on Netflix that's called Cake or Not Cake? No, not yet. Should I?

It's not very good, but the cakes are really realistic. But anyway, I'll share Sarah's photos in today's episode thread, which I'm making, not Ryan, so they won't be as pretty as normal. But thank you so much for sticking around. And, Tony, I mean, applause goes to you for the best co-host I've ever heard in my life. It's like I'm talking to myself. Well, you are.

Thanks, everyone. Love you. Bye. Do you want to say bye, Tony? Love you. Bye. Oh, everyone. Love you. Bye. Do you want to say bye, Tony? Love you. Bye. Oh, cute. sale and you could save up to 20% and improve your bottom line. We're so serious about savings,

we've made this ad 20% shorter. That means you get six seconds back. Just enough time to visit shopify.com slash POS20. Now that's an efficient ad. Eligibility requirements apply. See shopify.com slash POS20 for details.